All language subtitles for The.Presidents.Analyst.1967.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

( drums, trumpets play stirring theme )

( upbeat jazz theme plays )

( chorus vocalizing to jazz theme )

( jazz theme building in intensity )

( screams )

( upbeat jazz theme continues )

( voice muted )

( jackhammer pounding )

( sighs )

Okay, Don. We'll take it from here.

Good.

I gotta hurry. I'm going
to be late for my analyst.

( Gong clangs )

( silences gong )

You're early, Don.

How about that sound?

Uh-huh.

You know, you shouldn't
come in here like that.

I may have had another patient.

I know.

But I had to find out about that sound.

What's that all about, doctor?

I don't really know
what it's all about, Don.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful sound.

You're a remarkable man.

Should we begin?

( Sighs )

I had a weird dream last night.

Good. Tell me about it.

I can and I can't.

I woke up.

No, it was a nightmare, and it woke me up.

But I couldn't remember it.

Uh... when you couldn't remember it,

did you think about anything?

That was weird too.

I suddenly remembered something

that happened to me when I was a kid.

Mm-hm.

Something I haven't thought
about since it happened.

What was it, Don?

It was the day I found out about niggers.

Mm-hm.

I don't feel like lying down.

You mind if I sit over there?

No, go ahead.

I was 5.

And I knew there were colored
people and white people.

But then Mama took me to school.

And it was almost all white kids.

And nothing much happened on the first day.

But on the second day,

I was walking to school alone.

My big brother,
he was already in third grade,

and when you got
a kid brother in kindergarten

it can be kind of an embarrassment,

so he ran on ahead to be with his buddies.

Anyhow, there was a group of white kids

on the street up ahead.

And as I came up,

they started laughing
and running and yelling.

"Run, run, here comes the nigger!

"Run, run!

Here comes the nigger."

And I looked around.

And I didn't see any niggers.

But if they wanted to play, so did I.

So I started laughing
and running and yelling.

"Run, run, here comes the nigger!

Run, run, here comes the nigger."

And suddenly there was my big brother.

And I ran up to him.

And I started yelling,

"Run, run, here comes the nigger!"

And he hit me.

Then he did something worse.

He told me what a nigger was.

And that I was it.

How'd you feel about that, Don?

A hate flashed in me.

And I started to hit my brother.

I hated him, and I hit him.

I hated me.

And I hit him.

And I rammed that knife into his heart.

What?

The Albanian.

I killed him.

I stuck that knife into him.

And he was my brother,

and he was me, and I hated him.

What are you talking about?

He was an Albanian double agent.

He had secret information

that threatened
the security of our country.

My assignment was to kill him.

And I did a while ago on Seventh Avenue.

( Chuckles )

So much for my cover. Your cover?

Doesn't make any difference.

I had to tell you today anyway.

I'm glad.

What are you glad about, Don?

I don't have to lie to you anymore.

Lie?

I'm a CEA agent.

You are a CEA agent.

Then you really did kill someone?

Mm-hm.

It's fascinating, isn't it, Don?

Well, I suppose it's the conditioning

of motion pictures or television,

or perhaps it's the time we live in,

but killing is serious,

and yet this little card
somehow makes it less shocking.

And acceptable in a way.

You mean you can actually
legally kill someone.

Yeah.

And it bothers me sometimes

because I don't feel guilty about it.

Don't you think that's psychotic behavior?

No, I don't.

No, it explains your
utter lack of hostility.

You can vent your aggressive feelings

by actually killing people.

It's a sensational solution
to the hostility problem.

Doctor, are you trying to tell me

it's all right to kill people?

It's simply a moral question.

And morality is a social invention.

And in this case society has decided

that it's not only morally acceptable

for certain people to kill other people,

but it's even commendable.

Don, I got to write a paper
for the institute on this.

I don't think the CEA would like that.

Oh, yes, the CEA.

I can't imagine why they'd allow
an agent to enter analysis.

They didn't allow me. They assigned me.

Assigned you, why?

It's the last phase of a complete rundown

we've been doing on you.

On me? Shall we go for a drive, Sidney,

so we can talk? This place could be bugged.

Bugged? Nonsense, Don.

The sanctity of a psychiatrist's office

is like a confessional.

You know that. Now, why...? Oh, really?

I put this one there myself.

( Feedback noise )

God knows what else could be in here.

Shall we go for a drive, Sidney?
My chariot awaits.

This is a, uh...

Uh...

( thunder claps )

You're putting me on.

Uh-uh.

The president of the United States?

We only got one.

President, that's fantastic.

Oh.

Well, uh...

look, Don, I don't know how
the selection fell upon me,

but analysis is a very personal thing.

I'll have to meet with the president,

we'll have to talk,

much like you and I did when we first met.

Then if we show some rapport, then it's...

No time. It's all been determined.

Dr. Lee-Evans, he's your analyst, right?

Yes, that's right.

But what does that have to do with it?

Most of what you're asking,
he can answer better than I.

SIDNEY: What are we doing at the Whitney?

DON: You play the gong, he digs art.

Go ahead, he's waiting for you.

So they finally decided to tell you.

Bunch of damn time-wasters.

You ought to have been with
the president three months ago.

But why me, not you?

Look at this thing.

Pile of junk.

Shock you?

No, not shock. Surprise.

No, I think it's a, uh...

A beautiful piece
of contemporary sculpture.

That's why you and not me.

I'm just too damned old.

You like this?

Beautiful.

And you think I can handle him?

I've known them all.

Freud, Jung, Wright, Pavlov, Sullivan,

all the old giants.

They were men of their time.

You're a man of your time.

The president's analyst.

Beautiful.

He's a vital man.

You'll need every bit of your strength.

What kind of shape is he in?

There's no manifestation of illness,

no real neurosis,

certainly not psychotic.

Well, then what is it? ( neon sign hums )

Pretty, isn't she? Yes.

The president is overworked,
overtired, overburdened.

He needs to talk to someone

outside the stresses
of his supercharged life.

He needs to talk to someone

who doesn't want anything from him.

When do I see him?

DR. LEE-EVANS: You leave
for Washington tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Well, what about my patients?

It's a little complicated,
but I'm taking care of it.

It's certainly an
unprecedented opportunity.

I have to admit it. I envy you.

The president.

DR. LEE-EVANS: Goodbye, my son.

SIDNEY: Thank you, sir.

I'm going to walk.

DON: Okay, Sidney, I'll see you tomorrow.

Pick you up around about noon.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

( Upbeat jazz theme plays )

Look up ♪

Taste the day ♪

Hear sweet green and see the air clearly ♪

Ready ♪

Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪

Here I am ♪

Over there ♪

Watching me being everywhere ♪

Easy, easy ♪

Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪

Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪

Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

Zooming, swooping ♪

Dashing through the snow ♪

Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪

Hear me ♪

Take a breath, let it go ♪

And drift away, easy ♪

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah... ♪

( Chuckles )

Hey.

Oh, I thought you'd gone.

I'll go if you want me to.

Listen, I never want you to go.

Oh, I'm glad you said that.

But I warn you, I'm a nester.

I have this need to make a nest
everywhere I go.

Listen, do you believe in magic?

No. I was analyzed.

I need to take care of a man,
to cook, sew, make love,

admire his brains in adoring
admiration, be dominated.

I'm a natural-born female slave.

I want to marry you.

No.

Hey. Uh-uh. No fun. I tried it once.

Never again.

Wait. What's the matter with you?

What kind of nut are you, anyhow?

Oh, I'm not a nut.

It's my business to know myself,

which I do, and other people, which I do.

You're my girl. You're my woman.

You're Mrs. Me.

Could be,

'cause I really think
I love you right back.

See? But I thought I loved Morton

when I married him.

Morton? I don't trust me any more.

Yeah, well, trust me.

Look it, I... love... you.

And it's my professional opinion
that you love me too.

Oh...

Oh, I do love you.

But I'm afraid. No, no.

You're not lying to me, are you? No, no.

If I could take all the things that I am,

all the feelings I have,

all the things that I want

and somehow get them on a computer card,

you would be the answer.

I don't know why or how you've come along

at this particular point in my life.

See, that's the magic part.

I'm not going to let you go.

Marry me.

We could live together for a while,

and if it worked out,

then we could get married.

Okay?

( Airplane engine revs down )

What a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Schaefer.

I've admired your paper,
"Ego, Superego in Media."

Oh, thank you. Won't you sit down?

Yes. Yes. I am Ethan Allan Cocket,

director of Central
Enquiries Agency. Oh, yes.

And this is Mr. Henry Lux,

head of the Federal Board of Regulation.

Oh, well sir, this is certainly an honor...

LUX: I don't hold with this
psychiatric mumbo jumbo.

And I don't approve of what my colleague

from the CEA is going to tell you.

But I have been overruled, so I am here.

Dr. Schaefer,
before you meet the president,

there are several things
we feel you must understand.

The SS.

The what?

S-S.

Security and Safety.

First of all, I want you to know,

that you will be under
the protection of the CEA.

Well, thank you very much, sir,

but I hardly feel that's necessary.

Perhaps. But once you've
spoken to the president,

you will be in the topmost secret category.

You will be able to impart nothing

of what you may learn to anyone.

Well, Mr. Cocket,
that's a condition under which

every psychiatrist meets every patient.

The girl.

I say he don't get the job
till he improves his morals.

We've already settled that.

What?

Your, uh, relationship with Miss Butler,

while not particularly
bothersome to the CEA,

we have, of course, checked her clearance,

and she's fine, just fine,

does present a problem
with our colleagues in the FBR.

Well, now, just a minute.

SIDNEY: While I appreciate
the honor of the position offered,

my personal life is my own.

Not anymore, it isn't.

Of course it is.

That's all been
taken care of, Dr. Schaefer.

My dear Mr. Lux, no man is an island.

Most of us require the warmth
of human companionship.

Poppycock. In any event, it is settled.

Dr. Schaefer may have his lady.

We've taken the liberty of securing

a charming little house in Georgetown

for you and Miss Butler.

Mr. Masters will escort her there now.

LUX: A frivolous, immoral
expenditure of taxpayer money.

Well, gentlemen,
I can find a place of my own,

and I can certainly pay for it.

However, with all the taxes I pay each...

Yes, well, we've researched your taste,

and I'm sure you'll like this one.

Oh.

Now, as to your office,
it's directly below mine.

And at your request, it is bug-proof.

Well, that's a relief.

Now, when can I expect the president?

You don't expect him. He expects you.

The president's schedule is so demanding,

we will be unable to establish

any regular appointment time.

Oh, yes. He'll, uh, send for you

whenever he has an hour.

Your office, my boy. I hope you like it.

Oh, it's...

( alarm beeping )

I've installed signal lights

wherever they might be necessary.

COCKET: We were able to
set up this first appointment.

He'll see you now.

Your key.

This time we'll accompany
you part of the way.

From here on, my boy, you are on your own.

Oh, yes. Thank you. Now, I, uh...

Oh, yes. Your directions.

Oh, thank you.

Good luck.

Thank you, sir.

Watch your step.

( Ceremonious theme playing )

Mr. President.

( Triumphant fanfare theme plays )

SIDNEY: Ah, it's beautiful.

COCKET: We knew you'd like it.

Oh, you'll need a car. That's yours.

Oh, marvelous.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much, sir.

Not at all, my boy.

You're very important
to all of us, very important.

LUX: Poppycock.

Our nest.

Do you like it?

I love it.

I could live in a packing crate with you.

Sidney,

for a psychiatrist
you're a very peculiar man.

What was it like?

Fantastic.

He's really a great man, you know.

You can't believe the...

No. No, I can't tell you about that part.

But it doesn't make any difference.

The parts I can tell you
about are fantastic.

That man carries a load that would kill

10 ordinary men, and alone.

Well, now at least he has me
to share some of it with.

But you'd think that he'd spend his time

worrying about China or Russia...

Hasn't slept in eight nights
worrying about Libya.

Sidney, do you know about politics

and Libya and things like that?

No, I don't have to know about that.

He has political advisors for that.

He has a medical doctor to take care

of his physical needs,

and me to keep his head straight.

And you're going to do it too.

Yeah, you bet I am. Hey. How?

I just keep him from carrying
excess anxieties. That's all.

Are they catching? What?

Anxieties.

Not as long as I have you.

( Alarm beeps )

What's that all about?

It's him. He needs me.

But you just met with him...

Oh, yes. I know.

I thought psychiatrists had regular hours.

Well, they do, I don't.
New rules. I'll see you later.

( Ceremonious theme playing )

( tranquil theme playing )

( sighs )

Don.

Oh, I've gotta go.

Look, I'll, uh...

( clears throat )

Wednesday. How's next Wed...?

No, Tuesday. Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday.

Come on!

TOUR GUIDE: Truman administration.

Now, if you will step this way,

we will go through the North Portico.

We hope you have all enjoyed

your tour of your White House.

Nan?

She no longer lives here, Dr. Schaefer.

What do you mean,
"she no longer lives here"?

I am sorry, my boy.

I'm afraid we have some
unpleasant news for you.

Something's happened with Nan?

No, no, no, my boy, it's not that at all.

What is it? It's rather...

Rather a complicated security problem.

It's not complicated at all.

Doctor...

you talk in your sleep.

What do you mean, I talk...?

What does that have to do with Nan?

It appears that when
you do talk in your sleep,

you violate the National Security Act.

The Na...?

While the CEA may consider
Miss Butler acceptable

at a top security level, the FBR does not.

My God.

How do you know what I say

in the privacy of my own bedroom?

You know, you're doing a marvelous job

with the president.

He looks and sounds 10 years younger.

Thank you, sir,

but I wanna know what you've done with Nan.

At the taxpayers' expense,

we've installed her in a suite
at the Shoreham Hotel.

You may continue the relationship,

provided you go there only during

the daylight hours and do not sleep.

Listen to me, my boy. What?

I'm sure by now it must be apparent to you

that there is some strain
between the CEA and the FBR.

It's petty nonsense, this rivalry,

but nevertheless it does exist.

Give me a little time
to reason with Mr. Lux.

I'm sure we can get you two children

back together again.

Okay, but you get her back
here fast, because I need her.

I need her very badly.

( Quiet, suspenseful theme plays )

( menacing theme plays )

( alarm beeps )

( tires screech )

( patrons chatter, cocktail music plays )

Tough day?

Listen...

if I were an analyst, which I am,

I would say I was rapidly turning into

a paranoid personality, which I am.

Isn't there an analyst you could go to?

Every other psychiatrist in this country

has another doctor he can talk to.

Not me. Sidney...

The presidency used to be
the loneliest job in the world.

Now even he has someone to talk to.

He can talk to me.

I'm here.

We can't even go to bed together.

I talk in my sleep, and they'll arrest you.

Honey, why don't you just quit?

I can't. I know too much.

They'd never let me get away.

They would never let me get away.

You see? I'm paranoid. I am paranoid.

I don't think you're paranoid.

I think you have a firm grasp on reality.

Listen. Shh.

Do you have any idea how badly
the Russians and the Chinese

and even the Cubans, for God's
sake, want to get a hold of me?

Sidney, you're scaring me.

With what I know, they'll throw me

in one of those brain laundries.

Did you ever hear of Dr. Chen Hu

and his electrodynamic
process of thought reform?

Two days.

Two days with him, he'll have
every thought in my head

pouring out into those,
those tape recorders.

What? Everybody's after me.

Sidney, this is me, Nan.

I've got to get you some help.

They must let you see a doctor.

Help?

Oh.

Phew.

Wait a minute.

No.

No, no, no. You're absolutely right. No.

I've simply and clinically been letting...

my fantasies carry me away, huh?

( Giggling ): No, I'm all right.

Or am I?

Why don't I just simply
and clinically find out?

( Screams )

Oh, I'm shot.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

( Heartbeat pulsing )

( eerie theme plays )

( laughs maniacally )

I was right. I'm not paranoid.

They're all spies.

( Alarm beeping )

( beeping, heartbeat,
eerie theme crescendo )

Aaahh... No!

( Grunts )

( dials )

( phone ringing )

Boy, I hope this isn't a wrong number.

No, it's not.

It's me.

Oh, Sidney.

Why, Sidney, what is it?
You sound terrible.

Oh, I just...

I just woke up from a dream.

( Chuckles )

Shook me a little bit.
I dreamt that you were...

( menacing theme
rises dramatically, falls )

I, uh, dreamt that...

you weren't here when I woke up.

And when I woke up, you weren't, and...

Well, kiss good night.

( Kissing noises )

Oh, Sidney, I miss you,

and I miss our nest,

and, oh, I wish you were a plumber.

Good night, my darling.

( Buzzing )

This is Company 32. Scramble and stand by

for tape transmission for Section 12.

NAN: Why, Sidney, what
is it? You sound terrible.

SIDNEY: Oh, I just...

I just woke up from a dream.

Shook me a little bit.
I dreamt that you were...

( rustling sounds on tape )

I, uh, dreamt that...

you weren't here when I woke up.

And when I woke up, you weren't, and...

Well, kiss good night.

( kissing noises on tape )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( ceremonious theme playing )

TOUR GUIDE: And although the
original was burned by the British in 1812,

the White House was fortunate
in having a duplicate donated

during the recent redecoration
by Mrs. Kennedy.

Now, as we leave the White House...

Now, look, we're in Washington

and we're going to stay in Washington

until we've seen every
single national shrine!

Now, shut up!

TOUR GUIDE: and next to it, one believed

to be that of President Martin Van Buren.

Hurry along, folks.

Hurry along. Hurry along, folks.

Gee whiz, Dad.

Why can't we take the FBR tour?
I wanna see the files.

Sorry, Bing, we've got
to get back to New Jersey

as soon as we've finished the White House.

Now, be a good boy and enjoy your heritage.

Look. Now, there's
a picture of Andrew Johnson.

See? He's got long hair.

Why can't I let mine grow?

Because I said so, that's why.

Hello there. I wonder if I might
talk with you for a moment.

Yes?

Yes, I'm on the president's personal staff.

Did you break anything?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

No, actually it's something quite special.

Oh?

You see, the president likes us

to seek out, uh, tourists

who come through the White House,

a typical American family.

It's sort of a personal,

confidential project of his.

Well, there are all sorts of
apparati for polling the public.

The president feels they're all too cold,

you know, too impersonal.

That they don't really contact real people.

So without anyone knowing it,
except the people he chooses,

he reaches out to find out
what you really think,

what worries you,

what kind of government you really want.

You mean the president is really interested

in what we really think, the Quantrills?

That's right.

Now, if I may, I'd like to stop
by the hotel this afternoon

and we can begin the interview.

Oh, well, we were planning
to leave for home.

That's Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

We've got a pretty crowded
weekend, but of course...

We could... That's even better.

The president always likes
us to conduct our interviews

on the subjects' home ground.

Right. You know, find out his interests,

his hobbies, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.

That is, of course,

unless you object
to having an overnight guest.

Object?! We'd love it!

I was planning pot roast
bourguignon for Saturday.

Would that be all right?

( Upbeat brass band music
blaring over car stereo )

( shouts ): Total sound!

What?

( Giggles ): Oh.

( Dogs bark )

( upbeat brass band music
continues playing )

( in Russian ): Comrade Ambassador.

I have just been informed
that Dr. Sidney Schaefer

has run away from his job
as the president's analyst

and is now fair game.

( In Russian ): Wonderful. Bravo.

Kidnap him so that we may
transport him safely to Russia

and extract all those beautiful
secrets from his head.

( In English ): How do
you do, Dr. Schaefer?

I'm Kropotkin, Russian Secret Service.

I won't hurt you.

I come only to do you good

and to transport you to mother Russia

where you will live happily ever after.

Why did you just say that?

Just rehearsing.

( Speaking Vietnamese )

Schaefer...

( speaks Hausan )

Dr. Sidney Schaefer.

( British accent ): Now see here, chaps,

the PM expects that we,
and not anyone else,

shall be the first to abduct Dr. Schaefer.

You understand, of course,
that you mustn't hurt him.

After all, the Americans are our allies.

Just, uh, take him quietly,

and we'll ship him off
to London in my trunk.

Kill him.

I want him dead.

Dr. Schaefer must die. He knows too much.

We cannot risk some
foreign power grabbing him.

You men are the inner
defense of our nation.

It is upon your shoulders

that this great responsibility falls.

We do not bear our burden lightly.

With the full knowledge
of our responsibility

we must find him...

and in the interest of national security,

kill him.

LUX: Take no chances. Shoot him on sight.

We shall, we must, find Dr. Schaefer.

The nation expects it of us.

Find him.

Kill him.

Think of your mothers,

think of the yet unborn children...

( lowers volume )

Amazing.

Well, we know what we must do.

Obviously we have to beat our colleagues

and the foreign spy services
to Dr. Schaefer,

and we must prevent the FBR
from assassinating him.

Don, you know him best.
I'll leave it in your hands.

You're to take him quietly, if you can.

Of course, you understand if
it looks like you'll lose him,

you'll have to kill him.

Yes, sir.

( Upbeat brass band music playing )

( shouting ): White House
to Quantrills' in five hours,

10 minutes and 51 seconds.

Not bad, if I do say so myself.

You drive too fast!

You're going to get a ticket
one of these days...

( shuts off music )

and that's going to slow you down.

( Children laughing and shouting
in distance )

Well, there it is.

Typical American home
of a typical American family.

Come on in.

Bing, unload the car.

BING: Gee whiz, Dad.

Oh, look at the time.

I'm going to be late for my class.

Honey, have Bing unload
the car while I change.

I just did, dear. Geez.

Look real? Yes, yes.

Plastic. Made it in my own workshop.

No.

She's always at me about my driving.

But don't get me wrong.

She's a great wife and a good mother.

( Lounge music plays )

Total sound.

Want a draft beer?

Yes.

This class she goes to, what is that?

Her karate class.

Look at this. No decorator.
Did it all herself.

Now, getting back to what
I was saying about us,

the Quantrills, being liberals.

I meant that we're liberals

in the same tradition as the president.

Did I tell you we voted for him?

Yes.

When I say "liberal," of course,

I don't mean left-wingers
or anything like that.

I mean, you know, we're for civil rights.

Yes. Sit down.

We've both done weekend picketing.

As a matter of fact,

we sponsored the Negro doctor and his wife

when they moved into the development.

Well, the president will be
very pleased to hear that.

Ah, that's great.

If I do say so, it took a little courage.

Right.

The Bullocks, next door,
real right-wingers.

American flag up every day,

real fascists.

Ought to be gassed. You know the type.

Oh, yes.

Mm. Brother, the fight they put up.

But I told them.

These are liberal times.

Hey, Dad. You want the
Magnum .357 in the house?

Darn it, Bing.

I told you not to play around with my guns.

No, I do not want that in the house.

That is my car gun.

My house gun is already in the house.

Now, put that right back
in the glove compartment,

and don't let me catch
you fooling with my guns again.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Great kid.

I thought you said you were an accountant.

I am.

Why do you have all
of these guns around, then?

You know...

Honey...

Ooh. Oh. I'm sorry about the silly clothes,

but we take our lessons
at the police station

and they don't have facilities
for us ladies to change.

( Car horn honks )

Oh, now, there are the girls.

Oh, listen, I'll see you guys around 5:00.

I thought that, uh, we could
drive into New York tonight

and eat Chinks, okay?

Right.

MOTHER: You'll grow up
to be a juvenile delinquent...

Judy, Pat, wait till you hear!

MOTHER: do you hear
me? If you ever do that again,

I'll break every bone in your body.

( Martial arts noise )

You guys won't believe it...

You're kidding!

( Indistinct chatter )

( tires screech )

These guns and karate, why?

The right-wing extremists.

Disarm them, and us liberals will disarm.

Right? Right.

Refill?

( Eerie theme plays )

Wynn? Hmm?

There's a top-secret telephone
call that I simply must make.

Oh, sure, sure.

You have some place private?

There is a 25-foot extension
on this hall phone.

Take it in the powder room, lock the door.

I make a lot of calls from there.

Thank you, Wynn.

OPERATOR: Long distance.
( whispers ): Hello, operator.

I would like to speak
with Dr. Stephen Lee-Evans

in New York City at 246-6598.

What's the area code, please?

Oh, uh, no, I don't know
the area code number...

OPERATOR: Two-one-two?

SIDNEY: Oh, yes, thank you very much.

I'll try to remember that.

Now, would you please ring me through?

You may dial that number directly.

Huh? Well, yes, I know I can dial it,

but now that I have you,

couldn't you just dial it for me?

( Disconnect tone ) Oh.

RECEPTIONIST: Doctor's office. Hello.

This is Dr. Sidney Schaefer.

I'd like to speak
with Dr. Stephen Lee-Evans.

Please, it's very urgent.

I'm sorry, the doctor is out.

Well, can he be reached?

I'm sorry, but he...

It's desperate that I reach him.

I'm sorry.

Yes, well, certainly tell him I called.

Tell him that I'm worried.

I'm very worried about
the CEA, the FBR... No, no!

No, don't tell him that.

That's a secret.
Nobody's supposed to know that.

No, just forget I said anything about that.

Tell him I'll call him
back later. Yes, goodbye.

FBR.

Um, he's gone for a little while.

Where? Chinks.

Don't say "Chinks."
Say "Chinese restaurant."

"Chinks" is bigoted.

What Chinese restaurant, son?

In New York. But I don't know which one.

Don't your folks always eat
in the same restaurant?

Nope. Mom's a gourmet.

She says there's so many good restaurants,

if they ate in a new one
every time they went out,

they still wouldn't get
to eat in all the good ones.

And, boy, you know what? What?

Most of them are lousy.

Don't say "lousy." It's impolite.

What'll we do, Sullivan?

I don't know, Carter.

They'll be back before
we can hit enough places.

We'd better wait here for them.

You going to kill Dr. Schaefer?

Yes, son. We're going to kill him.

Oh, boy.

JEFF: I just adore
Mandarin cooking, don't you?

SIDNEY: Oh, yes.

I mean, the Cantonese is so,
well, it's so American.

It's terribly bland.

We have been trying to get a Mandarin chef

to come out to Seaside Heights
to teach our ladies' group

because we have simply had it
with the French thing.

Do you get Gourmet magazine?

I read the White House copy, yes.

Say, I wonder if it'd be possible

for you to make a phone call for me.

( Jeff gasps )

Muggers!

( Gunshot )

( Jeff yells )

( gunshot )

JEFF: I'll take care of this!
WYNN: Grab him!

( Martial arts noises )

( stirring jazz theme plays )

( gunshot )

( panting )

Oh, peace.

WRANGLER: Hey, peace.

Don't be afraid.

I'm in trouble.

WRANGLER: Most people are.

We saw them chasing you.

First time I ever saw Chinese fuzz.

If I could, uh...

just stay in this, uh...

bus here for a while and rest
till I get my... ( panting )

until I get my breath back.

Just one question.

Are you a man of violence?

No. No.

He's pretty. My name is Snow White.

Isn't he pretty, Old Wrangler?

We're all pretty, Snow White.

Look, we're musicians

on our way to the Great Lakes area.

Just finished an engagement here,

we're going to play up there.

You can come with us if you like.

You can sleep in my bed.

( In Russian ): Hey,
Kropotkin, my dear old friend.

My compatriot. My competitor.

How are you? How nice to see you!

( In English ): Please,
no Russian. I'm spying.

( Both laugh )

( in English ): Hi, old buddy,
I thought they cycled you

back to Eastern Europe.

They did. But when you guys
hired Dr. Schaefer,

they decided I was the one to grab him,

so here I am. Say, uh, how's Pierre?

Didn't you hear?

Oh, no.

( Both chuckling )

Easy come, easy go.

Oh.

Tranquilizer. Crude, but effective.

How are you doing on this one?

Same as you.

You know, your Dr. Schaefer's
not bad for an amateur.

Wanna make a bet? Depends on the bet.

I bet I find Schaefer before you do.

Okay, it's a bet. How much?

Dinner at Bardil Rifats.

Bardil Rifats? But that's in Albania.

Albania's my next assignment
if I don't get Dr. Schaefer.

And if I'm there, the least you could do...

All right, but you'll have to get your side

to leak some information
in order to get my side

to send me over.

Well, that's a breeze. I'll see you.

Kropotkin. Yes?

We may both lose.

The FBR has orders to kill him on sight.

Ah, good for them. I see you Americans

are getting a little bit
more sophisticated.

Hope you don't mind if
I eliminate some of your FBR.

Mind?

Surely you jest.

KROPOTKIN: Later.

Keep the faith, baby.

Dosvedanya.

( psychedelic rock music plays )

( music ends )

I, uh...

I certainly want to tell you how much

I appreciate what you people are doing.

Hey, why not? You know,
we're all fugitives here.

We're all seekers.

Hey, you'll be safe with us.

You just stay as long as you like.

Thank you, thank you, I've, uh...

I've gotta think things out.

You know, find a perspective,
recover myself.

Well, you know where it's at out there.

It's wrong.

It doesn't work.

Hey, you come explore with us.

Explore?

You know...

the lost innocence...

the peaceful center.

Aw, hey, where it's at with you, man.

Oh, thank you.

Let's smell the flowers.

( Crickets chirping )

( guitar strums )

The changes that keep going down ♪

And they always will ♪

I can get my fill ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

That go round and round ♪

It's all there to see ♪

As they come to me ♪

If I go along with the... ♪

SIDNEY: I'm supposed to know so much.

I feel like I don't know anything.

My whole...

My whole world is out of control, spinning.

Smell the earth.

Isn't it good?

Oh, yes.

Now is pretty.

Love now.

I'm now.

Love me.

The changes that keep going down ♪

The circles, they'll all fall down ♪

Then there's only now ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

That rearrange my mind ♪

It's so strange, my mind ♪

I can change my mind ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

A look at yourself sets you running ♪

Afraid of you who looked at you ♪

A-running ♪

Changes that keep going down ♪

And they always will ♪

I can get my fill ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

That go round and round ♪

It's all there to see ♪

( Choking and gasping )

As they come to me ♪

If I go along with the spirals ♪

That circle around ♪

( Muffled gasps )

That I, that I just found ♪

Like a silent sound ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

( Both grunt )

That rearrange my mind ♪

It's so strange, my mind ♪

I can change my mind ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

A look at yourself sets you running ♪

Afraid of you who looked at you ♪

( Bones crack )

A-running ♪

Changes that keep going down ♪

And they always will ♪

I can get my fill ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

That go round and round ♪

Changes that keep going down ♪

The circles, they'll all fall down ♪

Then there's only now ♪

If I go along with the changes ♪

That rearrange my mind ♪

It's so strange, my mind ♪

Oh, it's the Puddlians.

PUDDLIAN: Hey! How you
doing? How are you, people?

Hey!

( Indistinct chatter )

Hello, man.

Hey, this is the fugitive.

Hi.

He's out of sight, man.

Come on into the dressing room.

Yeah.

OLD WRANGLER: I hear you
had a close call in New York

with some tiny teen boppers.

PUDDLIAN: No, it wasn't much, mates.

Some bloody nut threw some LSD
in the bleeding fruit punch.

There they were, 1,200 screaming
freaked-out freakers.

You wouldn't have some
of that good Congo hash

you could trade me for some
mighty fine LSD, would you?

Done. Groovy.

Mother's milk.

( Fuzz guitar droning )

( The Clear Light's "She's Ready
to be Free" playing )

There was a time she needed me to lean on ♪

There was a time,
but now it's past and gone ♪

Blue ice cubes? How degenerate.

I'll be proud to see
what she's come to be ♪

She's ready to be free,
it's too plain to see ♪

She's through needing me ♪

Even though I cry myself
to sleep at night ♪

I can't help knowing
what was done was right ♪

I hope she knows I'll always be around ♪

If that bird that left the nest
ever hits the ground ♪

She's ready to be free,
it's too plain to see ♪

She's through needing me ♪

( Plays wild guitar solo )

She's ready to be free,
it's too plain to see ♪

She's through needing me ♪

( Screams )

Oh, it's beautiful.

Somebody put LSD in the fruit punch.

( Crowd giggling )

she needed me to lean on ♪

There was a time,
but now it's past and gone ♪

Hey, Kropotkin.

I'll be proud to see
what she's come to be ♪

Hey. She's ready to be free ♪

It's too plain to see ♪

She's through needing me ♪

She's ready to be free,
it's too plain to see ♪

She's through needing me ♪

( Music ends )

( indistinct mumbling )

Hey.

( Sighs )

Hey, man, where's your hair?

Now, don't worry, Dr. Schaefer.
Nobody's going to hurt you.

You happen to be a very valuable person.

You're not musicians, are you?

Canadian Secret Service.

Canadian spies? ( giggles )

You think it's fun being
a silent bleeding partner

in North America?

Coo lummee!

( laughs )

Canadian spies.

Armed with what's in your head,

perhaps we might alter
the course of history.

Sullivan, FBR.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry I ran away.

You can take me back to Washington.

Those are not my orders.

Really? You mean, I'm free?

My orders are to kill you.

What? ( pistol clicks )

Valentine.

Valentine!

Got any Magnum .44s?

There's some on the boat.

Too late for that.

I promised Helen I wouldn't work late.

SULLIVAN: Give me your gun.

VALENTINE: Uh-uh. It's against regulations.

Field Manual C, page 112.

Paragraph heading "License to Kill,"

subparagraph three.

Sorry, Sullivan, but rules
are rules. You know that.

All right. If it wouldn't be inconvenient,

would you please get me some Magnum .44s?

Sure, Sullivan, I'll go get them.

After all, I'm just a squire.

You're the knight.
You have the license to kill.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, here.

Wait. I'm...

I'm a citizen of the
United States of America.

I haven't broken any laws.

Look, I just don't wanna be
the president's analyst anymore.

Mr. Sullivan, look. I didn't do anything.

You can't just go around
shooting people like this.

We've laws.

There's a Constitution that prevents you

from going around killing people.

Look, look, look...
I haven't done anything.

Look, I don't know what you did. Nothing.

I don't know what you didn't do.

All I do is follow orders.

I didn't do anything.

That's the whole... I didn't do anything.

Mr. Sullivan, you don't understand.

I am a psychiatrist.

I work in Washington.

I had a little nervous
breakdown and ran away.

That's all that's happened.
There's a mistake here.

No. No mistakes!

The FBR does not make mistakes.

They're making a mistake this time.

These are my orders right here.

Signed by Henry Lux himself.

Boy, I'd sure like to keep this.

Henry Lux himself.

But I've gotta turn this in
with your prints and picture

after I shoot you.

Regulations. Too bad too.

Boy, would this be great
to show my grandchildren, huh?

Henry Lux himself.

And with my name right
at the top of the paper.

Makes you want to bend a
regulation just once in a while.

Yes, bend them. Break them!

Look, take me back to Washington.

I'll prove to you it's all a mistake.

No.

It's all a big mistake, please. No, no, no.

Rules are rules. Rules are rules.

Where is that idiot? Rules?

Valentine! Rules!

Valentine!

Oh, get me out...

( struggling )

Rules. Oh, gosh, I gotta get...

( splash )

It's all right. You're all right.

The FBR, the bullets, the gun.
Calm down, he's dead.

He's dead.

It's all right. It's okay. You're safe.

Oh, forgive me.

Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Kropotkin.

Komitat Gosudarstvennoi Bezopasnosti.

Russian Secret Service.

( Bell rings )

Bureaucrats, they're all alike.

They make life impossible
for an honest citizen,

but a pleasure for a spy.

Take that little beast

who just tried to assassinate you, hm?

He made it unnecessary

for me to go through the painful motions

of really kidnapping you.

Sometimes I thank God for the FBR.

You have to forgive me.

I just don't understand all of the...

Ah, now, then, my dear Dr. Schaefer.

You are about to defect to Mother Russia.

I am? Of course.

Defect? Logic is on our side.

This isn't a case of a world struggle

between two divergent ideologies

or different economic systems.

Every day, your country
becomes more socialistic,

my country becomes more capitalistic.

Pretty soon we'll meet
in the middle and join hands.

No, my dear doctor,

you're going to defect
because you want to live.

Defect.

How? How? How?

This ship is a marvelous way to travel.

The Canadian Secret Service

have rendered her
officially, uh, invisible.

And, uh...

Hmm.

I suggest a leisurely cruise
along the Great Lakes.

Up the Saint Lawrence Seaway,

and then out to the Newfoundland coast

to meet one of our trawlers.

Of course, if you prefer,

I could arrange for a submarine,

but personally I find...
submarine travel...

tedium.

Tedium.

( Grumbles )

Tedium.

Tedium.

Tedium.

Let's, uh... Tedium.

Yes, very nice Russian spy.

I wanted to take a cruise from him.

( Sings lullaby melody ): Tedium ♪

Tedium ♪

Tedi-da-da-dee-dee-dee ♪

Tedium ♪

Tedium ♪

Tedium-tum-tum-tum ♪

( Humming )

( lullaby theme playing )

( grunts )

( chuckles )

Krop... Krop...

Krop...

Good morning, Mr. Krop...

Kropotkin.

Kropotkin.

Morning. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it's, uh, brisk.

The sea. I love the sea.

If for some reason I couldn't be a spy,

I think I'd like to be a sailor.

What is it you love about the sea?

KROPOTKIN: The sea?

The sea, my friend, is freedom.
Look at it. No boundaries.

Here a man's destiny is his own.

It's man against the elements.

When I'm at sea,
suddenly I feel like a giant.

And yet, you chose to be a spy.

Well, don't you find that curious?

Not at all.

Aside from the difference in, well, status,

they're really very much the same thing.

The last refuge of the incurable romantic.

Well, this, uh, spying, are you good at it?

If you will forgive my towering
immodesty, I am very good at it.

Like my father before me.

So your...

Your father was a spy?

Oh, not "was," is.

He's the head of the foreign section,

central office, Moscow.

He's a very powerful man.

Really?

And your mother? Dead.

Purge of 1937. She was a revisionist.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. It's not your fault.

Hm.

Well, your father, now,
is he a, uh... a good spy?

Good? He is the very best.
Ruthless, cunning.

You know,

I've often thought that if he had

just that much more ambition,

he could have been the premier of Russia.

Is that why you gave up your ambition

to be a sailor and became a spy?

Because your father was a spy?

I told you.

The last refuge of the incurable romantic.

Who arrested your mother in 1937?

My father. Ruthless.

Well, what was, uh...?

What was she like?

My mother?

She was warm and old-fashioned. You know,

a typical revisionist.

I mean, what did you feel about her?

I hated her.

You know...

I'll bet I can tell you

the exact moment that you gave up

the idea of being
a sailor and became a spy.

Really? That's fascinating. When?

When they arrested your mother.

That's right.

How did you know that?

You really love your father,
don't you, Kropotkin?

Love? That's hardly the word.

The man is a colossus.
He's Peter the Great.

He's Ivan the Terrible.

You have to see him to believe him.

And you probably will see him.

Sort of a "super dad," huh? Yeah.

You hate him, right?

Yeah, I hate him. No, I love him.

A Freudian slip.

You have said aloud, probably
for the first time in your life

that you hate your father.

But this is fascinating.

What else do you read in my character?

Mr. Kropotkin, we'd better stop.

I can only deal in the truth.

And the kind of truth
that we have to deal with

can be devastating to a personal façade

as carefully erected as your own.

Please, I insist. This amuses me.

I must insist.

We were talking about
my feelings for my father.

We were saying something
about how I may or might not

love my father as much
as I should, or could.

Kropotkin, you call yourself a free man?

You're probably the least free
man I've ever met in my life.

You hate your father so much you
couldn't even say it just now.

Why should I hate my father?

Because you loved your mother,

and he killed her, for one reason.

For another, you've lived in abject fear

of the man all your life.

He killed her, why shouldn't he kill you?

But if I hate my father...

why did I choose to become a spy?

Well, since you were afraid
to rebel against him,

you chose the one thing

that you knew would earn
the most approval from him.

You chose to be like him.

That's true.

You must be a very unhappy man.

( Sighs )

I do.

I hate my father.

Good.

I hate him.

I hate my father.

Bravo!

I, V.I. Feodor Kropotkin, hate my father.

Ay, me.

All my life I've been miserably unhappy.

But I always thought it
was my Russian soul.

No, not your soul, your neuroses.

I'm sick? Oh, yes.

There's a cure? Yes.

You could cure me. Probably, yes.

But you won't. I can't. There's no time.

How much time?

Oh, three, possibly seven years.

I gotta think about something. Of course.

Dr. Schaefer? Yes?

Will you take me as a patient?

Well, I don't know what'll happen to me

when I go to Russia.

I doubt very much whether
your father would approve that.

Russia?

What's a man like you
doing going to Russia?

It's a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't want to live there.

I know. I've lived there.

( Chuckles )

KROPOTKIN: Would you care
to go for a short drive on the lake?

I'd be delighted.

Before we can deal with my problem,

which is very important,

we have to secure your safety, That's true.

Also very important. Right.

Go back to Washington and
continue to treat the president.

Are you mad? That's impossible.

The FBR's trying to kill me.

You know the president.

Do you think he'd condone
something like that?

No, no, no. It's not in his character.

But what about them?

Well, then obviously it's
being done behind his back

and without his knowledge. Yes.

But how does that help me?

I can get you safely back to Washington.

Tell the president.

You'll be okay, you'll be safe.

I can. I can do it.

If I can just beat
the loneliness of the job.

You have Nan, don't you?

I even began to think she was a spy.

She is. CEA. Her clearance
is as high as yours.

What? Are you sure?

Of course, I've worked with her.

I can talk to her? Of course.

Why didn't they tell me? Bureaucrats.

What? Bureaucrats!

OPERATOR: Long distance.

Hello, operator, this is
Dr. Sidney Schaefer.

I'd like to speak to the president

of the United States at the
White House, Washington D.C.

Do you have the area code?

No, I don't know the area code.

202. 202, area code 202. Yes.

Now, would you please connect me?

What is the area code, please?

Oh, for heaven's sake. Area code 202.

Thank you. What is
the calling party's name?

Thank you, operator.
It's Dr. Sidney Schaefer.

Will you hold on, please?

Yes, I'll hold on.

Frustrating, isn't it?

I had a situation like
this once in Bessarabia.

But with the Inter-Arabian
Phone Company, you expect it.

Operator. Yes, operator?

Are you holding? Yes, I'm still holding.

Thank you.

You know, the one thing that
I learned from my patients,

they all hate the phone company.

It's interesting.

Even the stockholders of the phone company

hate the phone company.

I know.

Bedouins hate the phone company.

As a matter of fact,
I've never been in a country

where everybody didn't
hate the phone company.

Isn't that fascinating? Operator.

Yes. Yes, operator? Are you holding?

Yes, well, I'm still
hanging on here. Uh-huh.

We're doing our best.

Yes, operator, I'm sure
you're doing your very best.

But this is a very urgent call.
It's a matter of life and...

( disconnect tone ) Hello?

I don't have any more change.
Do you have...?

Beautiful.

The number you have reached
has been disconnected.

Operator? Hello?

Please be sure you are
dialing the correct number.

This is a recording.

( dials )

( tapping )

Can you...?

Look, I'll go back to that store,

and I'll get a pocketful of change.

Now, you wait here.

If that foolish coin
of yours drops, try again.

Yes.

And please, be nice to the operator.

Oh, yes, I will. The area code is 202.

Uh-huh. I know. Would you repeat that?

202.

Yeah, well, hurry back.

( Coin drops in phone )

( dial tone )

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

( Dial tone ends )

( groans )

Let me out of here.

( Helicopter whirring in distance )

What took you so long?

I had to stop for gas.

Where's the good doctor?

He's gone.

I thought you took him.

Uh-uh.

What do you think?

Well, you didn't take him,
and we certainly didn't...

but, uh...

Looky here.

It wasn't one of those
pushy new countries either,

because whoever took him

was very sophisticated and dangerous.

They took the whole booth.

Who knew he was here? Only you and me.

And you only knew because
I called you from town.

And your phone's not tapped.

No, but this booth was.

Are you trying to tell me

that every phone in the country is tapped?

That's what's in my head.

Don, this is America, not Russia.

What do you want from me?

But who could...

Who?

( Suspenseful theme plays )

( computers beeping )

( phone rings )

Hello? MAN: Hi, there.

Glad to have you aboard, Dr. Schaefer.

Aboard?

We're mighty sorry about
any trouble or inconvenience

we might have caused you,

but I know, once we've
explained our problem,

you'll understand.

Where is this?

I mean, where am I?

Who are you?

How about that.

I forgot to introduce myself.

My name is Arlington Hewes.
I'm president of TPC.

TPC? The Phone Company.

The Phone Company?!

Doctor, do you have any idea
how much your phone company

spends each year just on maintenance?

No, I've never really thought about that.

Well, I guess many people don't.

But those billions of miles of wire

and all those exchanges...

Why, just the maintenance

on our thousands
of offices and buildings...

And that's not even
to mention our rolling stock...

The cars and trucks,
the airplanes and satellites.

And then all those fine people

who are actually on the payroll
to take care of all that.

Now, wouldn't it be just grand

if we could get rid of that
old-fashioned hardware?

What's this about?

And there's another thing

that's going to come as a surprise to you.

There are quite a few people

who actually dislike The Phone Company.

Why have you kidnapped me?

And because of this irrational dislike

of their own publicly-owned company,

they often don't pay their bills

and sometimes even damage the equipment.

Would you look over here, doctor?

Now, to look at that hand,

you'd never dream you're also looking

at a miracle in modern
communications, would you?

Well, sir, let's take a closer look.

Thanks to the science of microelectronics,

you are looking at a complete telephonic

receiver and transmitter.

We call it the Cerebrum Communicator

or the CC for short.

This dandy little device can
actually perform every function

of the old-fashioned telephone and more.

And it does it without
any costly maintenance.

Without telephone poles, without wires,

without exchanges,

without anything in fact, except

another CC in another location.

And now you're probably wondering,

"Why have we made it so small?"

Because it will be in and
powered by your own brain.

Fantastic? Well, not quite, no.

We merely inject the CC into
that part of the bloodstream

which leads directly to the brain.

Technically speaking for you doctors,

we inject the CC into
the internal carotid artery.

The bloodstream carries
it directly to the cerebrum

where it lodges comfortably
in the anterior central gyrus,

which for us laymen is simply
that part of the brain

where intellectual associations take place.

Can you imagine the ease,

the fun, with which you can place a call?

Why, all you have to do is
think the number of the person

you wish to speak with,

and you're in instant communication,

anywhere in the world.

Would you like, uh, an opinion
of a qualified psychiatrist

on all that I've just seen and heard?

Yes, sir, I sure would, sir.
We're always interested

in the opinions of qualified people.

I mean, after all it's
your phone company too.

You're a megalomaniac,

and The Phone Company is psychotic.

Getting back to our problem...

We realize the public has a misguided

resistance to numbers.
For example, digit dialing.

They're resisting depersonalization.

And so Congress will have to pass a law

substituting personal numbers

for names as the only legal identification

and requiring a prenatal insertion

of the Cerebrum Communicator.

Now, then a communications tax
could be levied and paid

directly to The Phone Company.

It'll never happen.
Well, it could happen, you see,

if the president of the United States

were to use the power of his office

to help us mold public opinion

and get that legislation.

And that's where I come in?

Yes, that's where you come in.

Because you are in possession
of certain personal information

concerning the president

which would be of immeasurable aid to us

in dealing with him.

Well, you will get not one word from me.

Oh, I think we will.

( Machine droning )

( droning builds in intensity )

( heartbeat pulsing )

If they got him,
and I believe they got him,

that is where they got him.

Beautiful building. Well-lit too.

KROPOTKIN: Designed
in 1963 by Ikiru Matsumoto.

Very good. Not so good.

It's in their annual statement.

I'm a stockholder.

Uh-uh.

Isn't going to be easy to crack.

Easier than you think.

Just turn the beams back on themselves,

and we can walk right through.

( Beams hum )

Annual statement?

No, Moscow briefing.

Very good indeed.

What now?

We blow the main power supply.

Okay, what kind of time does that give us

before the emergency power comes on?

Ten, maybe 12 minutes. We gotta rush.

If we don't, what?

We gotta kill our way out, okay?

Shall we rescue our doctor?

Yeah. If I don't resume
my analysis pretty soon,

I'm going to flip out.

Go ahead.

( Explosion )

DON: Remind me to tell
you about our explosives

in the Pushkin High Dam at Volgograd.

Amazing, the Pushkin Dam
has our tightest security.

We gotta take a chance.

Are you mad? That's our analyst in there.

You could kill him with that.

DON: What else are we going to do?

The power's coming back on in a minute.

We gotta get him out.

Well, okay. Try it.

But if you kill him, we're
both going to be very unhappy.

Mm-hm.

( Rumbling )

Come on, Sidney, let's travel.

What? No, no, no, not yet.

I've gotta destroy this place.

We've gotta destroy everything in it.

Can't do that.

This is the master control
for the telephone company

for the entire nation.

You blow up this building,

they won't have phone service for a month.

Can't do it Wreck the economy.

No. No, we've gotta do something.

We've gotta get out before
the lights come on.

That's what we gotta do.

No, no. Now, listen. Listen.

I'm your doctor. Trust me.

It's vital that we make the
public hate The Phone Company.

I mean really hate it.

You sure you're all right, Sidney?

Yes. Yes. Now, I can't explain
all the details right now,

but, not only America,
but the whole world depends

on what we do here right now.

Believe me.

I believe you, even if I am a stockholder.

Me too. Kropotkin, you've been
briefed on this place.

What can we do?

I can implement plan Rasputin.

Rasputin, what's that?

It's an emergency plan

to disrupt communications in America.

If I can get into the main communicator,

I can make every phone in America go crazy.

It'll take them months
to straighten it out.

How's that, doctor?

Perfect. Great.

The lights are going to come on
now before we can get out.

You hold them off while I finish.

No.

Look, you wanna save the world?

You're the great humanitarian?

Take the gun.

Welcome to the club.

By golly, Dr. Schaefer,

we sure wish you hadn't
gotten out of that booth.

Oh, and you have company.

Well, I hope you understand
that we have to deal

quite harshly with intruders.

Now, it's not the intention or
the policy of The Phone Company

to deal harshly with anyone.

But there are certain circumstances

when even your phone company

finds it must take certain
steps... ( metal clangs )

( tape recorder winds )

Oh, you have company.

He's a recording.

It's like a visit with
Abe Lincoln in Disneyland.

Deal quite harshly with intruders.

It's not the policy or
intention of The Phone Company

to deal harshly with anyone.

But there are certain
circumstances in which we...

WOMAN OVER SPEAKER:
Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

( gunshots )

Come on, Sidney!

Warning, extreme emergency.

Now, look, just pull this.

( Gunshots )

Save your ass!

Extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

( machine buzzes )

Warning, extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme emergency.

Extreme emergency.

Extreme emergency.

Warning, extreme...

( explosion )

Take that, you hostile son of a...

( ceremonious theme plays )

Joy to the world ♪

( Doorbell buzzes )

The Lord is come ♪

Let Earth receive her king ♪

Let every heart ♪

Prepare him room ♪

Merry Christmas! Oh, hello.

( laughs )

( alarm beeps )

and heaven, and heaven and nature sing ♪

( laughing )

Hey, Kropotkin! Don, how are you?

Oh, look at you.

Merry Christmas!
Nanotchka, merry Christmas.

Keep your hands off of that woman.

Hi, Sidney. Hi, Sidney.

Kropotkin, welcome home. Thank you.

Give me a little of that. Hey, listen.

Listen, you'll never guess why

I'm so late getting home from the office.

The president suddenly had to
change his hour to a later one.

In order to have a secret meeting

with the representatives
of The Phone Company.

Who are at this very moment

showing him the TPC top-secret plan

for better service and lower rates.

NAN: In an effort to bolster
their ever-sagging public image.

Uh-huh. Well, you live with spies,

you've got no secrets.

From Russia with love.
Here, caviar, beluga.

ALL: Ahh!

Champagne, Lithuanian. Huh?

Well, congratulate me.

Congratulations! For what?

It was in my evening report.
He's now a major general!

Major gen... Oh, that's beautiful.

But there is one thing
that you do not know.

What's that?

I caught my father dealing with Red China.

I'm now the head of the foreign section.

Sensational!

DON: So how come he's
getting healthier than me, huh?

KROPOTKIN: I'm all right.

Interpersonal relationships are better.

SIDNEY: I think it's time we
started considering group therapy.

DON: All right...
KROPOTKIN: Let's get drunk.

Joy to the world ♪

The Lord is come ♪

Let Earth receive her king ♪

Let every heart prepare him room ♪

And heaven and nature sing
and heaven and nature sing ♪

And heaven, and heaven and nature sing ♪

Joy to the world ♪

The Lord is come ♪

Joy to the world ♪

The Lord is come ♪