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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:05,380
This programme contains
some strong language
2
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:07,180
Looking for a job? Yeah.
3
00:00:07,180 --> 00:00:12,380
Sheep shearer. It's a brave bloke
who tackles those bleating,
fleecy bastards.
4
00:00:16,540 --> 00:00:19,260
Can you see yourself living here?
5
00:00:19,260 --> 00:00:20,900
THEY SCREECH
6
00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,540
It's such a great noise, isn't it?
7
00:00:24,820 --> 00:00:26,140
What?
8
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Biscuit factory.
9
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Trainee required for stock controls
and quality regulation.
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00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:34,740
Oh, my God.
11
00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:37,940
Yeah, I'd like to put an offer in
for the house.
12
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,580
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
13
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:49,220
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
14
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:55,140
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
15
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:56,900
# Just think I'll wait a while
16
00:00:56,900 --> 00:01:00,420
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
17
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# And a pack of flakeys. #
18
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:12,540
# Near, far
19
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:15,260
# Wherever you are
20
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:20,580
# Do, di, da, do, di, do
21
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# Do, da, di, da, do. #
22
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:27,260
Johnny! Come on, you'll be late
for your interview.
23
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:32,340
# Got my lovely crunchy biscuits
24
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:34,700
# I ain't dunkin' no girl
like a biscuit
25
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:37,700
# I ain't going to change
So don't try to twist it. #
26
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:41,060
Are you excited? Hell, yeah!
27
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:44,380
You'll get this biscuit factory job,
Johnny, I know it.
28
00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:48,540
Guess what.
I've got a job interview too,
I'm going to be a pub singer.
29
00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:51,060
A pub singer, like Lesley Garrett?
30
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:55,460
Come on, better get a move on
to get to Stockport in time.
31
00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:58,780
Oh, meant to ask,
where exactly is Stockport?
32
00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:02,060
You don't know? Absolutely no idea.
33
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:06,180
By your mum's? It's the other
side of Manchester, Johnny. Oh.
34
00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:09,620
Oh! Well, I best get a move on
then, love you. You too.
35
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:12,140
Oh, Janet. Yes Jonny?
36
00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:13,940
Where exactly is Manchester?
37
00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:23,740
I can't believe you put an offer
in without telling me.
38
00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:29,540
What, you angry? No, just didn't
realise you could use a phone for
any longer than "pub, aye, bye".
39
00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:32,740
Well, I did it for you Donna.
40
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:35,060
I realise that. I love you for it.
41
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:36,900
Well, what about...?
42
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:39,580
You know...them.
43
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:45,900
Well, it's your dream house, I'll
just have to get over it. I know,
it's perfect. But I can't have...
44
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,020
Baa!
45
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:48,940
Jesus, shit!
46
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,820
See, I can't have that.
47
00:02:56,300 --> 00:03:01,900
I've never thought of Liverpool
as a style mecca before, you know,
because of all the Scousers.
48
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:08,780
But your job as a stylist
to the stars of Hollyoaks
49
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:11,900
And I'd just love to style you.
You're just gorgeous.
50
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,180
Could you perhaps be more specific?
51
00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:19,180
I've massaged the egos
of the entire cast of Bread.
You should be a Ken Doddle.
52
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:23,820
Oh, Mick, you're just perfect,
aren't you?
53
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,660
Well...yeah.
54
00:03:26,660 --> 00:03:30,940
Louise, I want you to come with me
to Liverpool tonight.
55
00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:34,060
I want to introduce you to...
56
00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:35,420
Les Dennis!
57
00:03:35,420 --> 00:03:36,980
Oh!
58
00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:39,900
Oh, but I wanted you to
meet my friends tonight.
59
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:43,340
To show them how to worship me,
correctly. Ah!
60
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:45,380
Ow! Les Dennis!
61
00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:48,100
Ah, my friends. Ah, Les.
62
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:51,100
Ah, friends. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
63
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,180
Such a great noise, isn't it?
64
00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,380
Can I take these out now?
65
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,980
Can't wait to see the place again.
66
00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:06,620
Come on then, come on, come on!
67
00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:14,060
What the hell is that? It's
68
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:16,220
I made it at the garage.
69
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:21,620
No!
70
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,260
I'll take it to the dump.
71
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:27,500
Do you know what?
I wish Stig was a real boy.
72
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:30,740
OK, let's practise
our Knowsley voices.
73
00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:34,820
POSH VOICES: I'm Gary.
74
00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:37,300
And I'm Donna.
75
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:42,300
No, Donna and Gaz sound a bit
Runcorn, we need Knowsley names.
76
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,820
I'm Keith, huh.
77
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,300
And I too am Keith, huh.
78
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,980
Shall we check out
the local schools?
79
00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:59,260
What for? Oh, to know where the
lollipop man'll be. OK, let's go.
80
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,900
You going to be OK?
With the lollipop man?
81
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,500
Yeah, I'm big enough these days
to fend off his advances.
82
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:08,980
No, with the...baa!
83
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:11,900
Will you stop doing that?!
84
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,140
Actually, I've made a decision.
85
00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:19,540
When we live there, I'll never ever
venture outside alone, look through
86
00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:22,620
Well, sheep can't ring doorbells.
87
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:27,020
Of course they can't, no,
they get the goats to do that!
88
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:38,740
Yeeeeaaaah!
89
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,620
Come on, what's the matter with you?
90
00:06:06,060 --> 00:06:07,860
They're out there, Donna.
91
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,820
Don't be stupid,
they can't hurt you.
92
00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:12,820
I can feel them.
93
00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:14,580
Near.
94
00:06:18,260 --> 00:06:21,420
They're were all around us
like death.
95
00:06:25,020 --> 00:06:26,780
I see dead sheep.
96
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:33,340
Gaz, you're embarrassing me,
just try and make it to the house
and you'll be safe then.
97
00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:53,700
Cover me.
98
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:58,540
They're not here,
you're just hearing things.
99
00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:05,100
Oh!
100
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:06,220
BAA!
101
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:18,780
Gaz!
102
00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:22,860
# ..My heart and...
103
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:32,020
# And my heart will go on and on... #
104
00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:34,780
Oh, yes it will!
105
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:41,140
Can I take these out yet?
106
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,820
So, what did you think?
107
00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:48,020
I loved it. You completely
shat on Jane McDonald.
108
00:07:48,020 --> 00:07:53,860
Oh, thank you.
109
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:58,100
It's a life on the ocean wave
for you m'hearty. A cruise ship? Mm.
110
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:01,660
When I saw the advert, I thought
I'd be doing karaoke round here.
111
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:05,420
What and waste that talent?
No, lady, I'll make you a star
112
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:09,900
amongst the widows and diabetic
community whom Speedy Cruise target.
113
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:13,380
Oh, I've got a baby. Where?
114
00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:21,300
He's with his gran but I brought
the basket to give you a clue.
115
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:26,340
I see. You've nothing to worry
about. All Speedy Cruise ships
116
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:29,460
staffed by fully qualified
spinsters.
117
00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:34,900
So, um, which cruise ship do you
think I'd be most suited to?
118
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:37,180
You'd be in Egypt or the Maldives.
119
00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:39,660
I'll send the details
in a couple of days.
120
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:42,460
No, but Egypt,
that's nowhere near Runcorn.
121
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:45,380
And the mull dives,
what is a mull dive?
122
00:08:45,380 --> 00:08:47,540
You'll see when you get there.
123
00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:50,020
There's not a chance
I'd let one like you go.
124
00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:52,100
Mwah! Mwah!
125
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:54,500
It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
126
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,980
Is it? Hmm. It is, isn't it?
127
00:08:56,980 --> 00:09:00,180
Oh, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it!
128
00:09:00,180 --> 00:09:02,460
I'm going to Maldivia!
129
00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:06,100
Good, you noisy knob.
130
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:11,420
SHEEP BLEAT
131
00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:27,900
Gaz!
132
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:30,380
Help!
133
00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:33,780
I can't, Donna, you're knee-deep...
134
00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:35,780
in sheep.
135
00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:45,060
# Near, far
136
00:09:45,060 --> 00:09:48,540
# Wherever you are
137
00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:52,380
# La, bi, blah, blah, blah
138
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:56,060
# Blah, blah, blah. #
139
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:01,780
Umm, scary. Louise, darling,
140
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,380
I'm having a party tonight
to celebrate.
141
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:09,580
I'm going to be a superstar,
amongst widows and diabetics.
142
00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:13,140
Oh, like Michael Parkinson.
143
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:16,620
No, darling,
I'm the queen of the high seas.
144
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:19,220
Janet Keogh, voice of brine.
145
00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:23,260
Step, step, shimmy.
146
00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:25,900
Johnny's had his job interview,
so he's got news.
147
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,780
Donna and Gaz have a new house,
so they've got news.
148
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:33,060
And you're...you're here
so I thought I'd invite you.
149
00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:35,900
Do come, we're having kebab.
150
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:38,300
I have news.
151
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:40,060
I have a new boyfriend.
152
00:10:40,060 --> 00:10:43,540
Oh, Louise, darling, that's fabulous.
153
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:46,340
I can't wait to meet him
and sing to him.
154
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:52,700
Ladies and diabetics, here for your
listening pleasure, Janet Keogh.
155
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,660
No, that's a bit unshowbiz.
156
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:57,660
Janet...no.
157
00:10:57,660 --> 00:10:59,540
Jannetta Kiora!
158
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:05,260
Mick's a stylist to the stars...
159
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:07,420
of Hollyoaks!
160
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:09,940
Oh, please don't be mental, lovey.
161
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:13,900
Stylist indeed. I'm telling
the truth, he IS a stylist,
162
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:17,220
and he's going to make ME a star.
Although not of Hollyoaks.
163
00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:21,260
Those people are so generic,
darling. That's what Mick says.
164
00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:24,500
Well, Louise, I can't wait to meet
your made-up boyfriend.
165
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,620
Oh look, here he is now.
166
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,060
Hello, love.
167
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:30,700
Mwah! Mwah!
168
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,100
Pleasant to meet you.
169
00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:44,380
Gaz! Please, I can't escape.
170
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:50,020
I can't, there's too many of them.
171
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,980
Try anything Gaz, please!
172
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:03,020
When did throwing a pasty ever work?
173
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,500
It's all I had.
174
00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:09,940
God, look! It's working,
they're moving towards the pasty.
175
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,060
They're leaving,
I can come and get you.
176
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:17,620
Baa!
177
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:25,820
But you've got to come,
they think you don't exist.
178
00:12:25,820 --> 00:12:27,300
They think I'm mental.
179
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:30,980
OK, just for a bit, though.
After that, I'm off.
180
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:36,620
Instead of going to some dive in
Norway, I could be at the Century FM
181
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:39,780
Oh, Mick, take me to Liverpool.
182
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:44,940
A faraway dream
that always seemed so out of reach.
183
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:47,540
It's 17 minutes away on the train.
184
00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:49,500
Just out of reach.
185
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,180
Or half an hour on the bus.
186
00:12:51,180 --> 00:12:53,740
An impossible dream! Take me, Mick.
187
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,180
Seriously, Mick,
just take the squeaky twat.
188
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,060
Gaz!
189
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:06,900
There's just too many of them.
They've got the power.
190
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:10,260
Help me, I never realised before.
191
00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:11,900
Look at the eyes.
192
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,860
The eyes!
193
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,340
# Bringing in the sheep
194
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,860
# Bringing in the sheep
195
00:13:19,860 --> 00:13:22,540
# What do we do before we sleep?
196
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,980
# We bring in all the sheep. #
197
00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:27,180
Please, Gaz, please!
198
00:13:33,820 --> 00:13:35,100
Gaz!
199
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,780
It's shepherding time.
200
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:44,340
# Near, far
201
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:48,300
# And noo-loo-le-la... #
202
00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:51,420
God, I wish I knew the lyrics.
203
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,540
# You've got what it takes
204
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:57,380
# You bring the Dodgers
205
00:13:57,380 --> 00:14:00,100
Jonny! How did it go?
206
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:04,340
It's safe to say
you're looking at a man
207
00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:07,900
Brilliant, I knew you'd do it.
How was the train?
208
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:09,780
What, there as a train there?
209
00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:11,740
I was hitch-hiking.
210
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:14,740
I was nearly a trucker's bitch.
211
00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:20,220
Johnny, I've got something important
I need to talk to you about.
212
00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:21,860
Is it about the singing job?
213
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:26,060
Why, yes, my beautiful singing voice
has finally been recognised.
214
00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:29,580
Well, that's brilliant.
Is it? It is, isn't it?
215
00:14:29,580 --> 00:14:34,340
Yeah, I'm dead happy for you. Oh!
216
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:39,100
Bit of live music's
217
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:39,100
You singing, me drinking.
218
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,700
Like Sonny and Cher.
219
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,580
Johnny, there's more to it than that.
220
00:14:43,580 --> 00:14:46,700
What? More than just pub singing?
221
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,860
Are you incorporating
magic tricks into your act,
222
00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:53,380
like the one way you make
a whole penis disappear?
223
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:56,700
Johnny, we've been through this,
that's not a trick,
224
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:59,060
that's called deep throat.
225
00:14:59,060 --> 00:15:00,860
So what is it then?
226
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:03,020
It's, it's...
227
00:15:03,020 --> 00:15:05,700
It's... It's five o'clock.
228
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:10,940
If you'll excuse me, I'm a career
girl now, I'll be in a bar downtown
229
00:15:15,260 --> 00:15:16,500
BAA!
230
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:20,740
Quick Gaz! Do something,
they're becoming feral!
231
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:32,340
FUCK THE SHEEP!
232
00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:40,740
MUSIC: "Theme from
Gone With The Wind"
233
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,260
Oh Gaz, they were...
234
00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:00,140
They were...
235
00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:02,060
I know, Donna.
236
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:05,260
They were, weren't they?
237
00:16:29,340 --> 00:16:31,740
DOORBELL RINGS
238
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:36,900
Oh, Janet, Janet.
239
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:42,580
I've had some exciting news, bigger
than the time I saw Bob Monkhouse
240
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,260
Pretended not to know me,
big kidder.
241
00:16:45,260 --> 00:16:51,580
Oh, exciting news? Really? Well,
would you like to stay for my party?
I could easily split my kebab.
242
00:16:54,460 --> 00:17:00,940
There's no time, I've come to tell
you a ship needs a singer, sails
from Plymouth to Mauritius tomorrow.
243
00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:04,380
Janet, Speedy Cruise needs you
on that ship. Tomorrow?
244
00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:08,140
the singer's gone down with gout.
I haven't told Jonny yet.
245
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:11,460
It's for a month. After that,
who knows? Say yes, Janet.
246
00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:15,260
But...
You're going to be huge, Janet.
247
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:18,820
I don't mean fat huge,
I mean Ruth Madoc huge.
248
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:22,180
Bitch won't take my calls.
So, what do you say?
249
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:24,380
I'm going to be huge? Yeah.
250
00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:27,180
I am, aren't I? Yeah. Oh, shit!
251
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,100
OK, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it.
252
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,940
Yes! And when you are,
don't forget your old mate Tommy.
253
00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:36,700
Who's Tommy? And so it begins!
254
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:41,380
I'll get a move on before
Nice and Cruisey get wind of you.
255
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:45,540
OK. Good girl. Goodbye.
256
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:50,540
It's just for a couple of hours.
257
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:54,260
Just until they've seen you
and are sufficiently impressed.
258
00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,020
Then we can set off for Liverpool.
259
00:17:56,020 --> 00:18:02,220
Across the water, beyond the bridge,
the realm of impossible hope
and unattainable happiness.
260
00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:03,980
It's just there!
261
00:18:03,980 --> 00:18:08,020
I know, but it seems so far when
I've been stuck in Runcorn so long.
262
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,900
You see, big fishes and little pond.
263
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:12,620
You're exceptional here.
264
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,700
I am, aren't I?
265
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:18,180
I can't wait to show Liverpool
how great I am.
266
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,620
I always knew I was
destined to be big.
267
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:26,180
Do you think it will be
instant success
or a slow build of deserved fame?
268
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:30,220
It took me six years to be
Anthony H Wilson's sweat blotter
on North West Tonight.
269
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,060
But I'm not even showbiz.
270
00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:34,180
Despite my ego.
271
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:38,820
Oh, and don't open that gob of yours
or you'll get me thrown out
of the big pond.
272
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:42,980
My gob is my tool!
I can't be a little fish.
273
00:18:42,980 --> 00:18:45,020
I'm a big fish.
274
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:46,780
I'm Flipper.
275
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:52,380
Yeah, you are, what with Flipper
not even being a fish. Ah!
276
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:57,020
Don't do that. The McCartneys
will set Heather on you. Eh!
277
00:18:57,020 --> 00:19:00,820
You can't squeak at the launch of
Atomic Kitten's new fragrance. Ah!
278
00:19:00,820 --> 00:19:03,140
They won't put up with it. Ah! Ah!
279
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:06,780
Ahhhhh! You've gone ultrasonic,
Louise, I can't...
280
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:08,540
Aaahhhhhh!
281
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:16,540
Louise, what the hell was that noise?
Corinthian went cross-eyed.
282
00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:20,220
Oh, you know, just me being mental.
283
00:19:20,220 --> 00:19:22,140
Mental old Louise.
284
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:23,740
Oh, come here.
285
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,460
All right, Kelly? What?
286
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:34,220
All right, Gaddafi.
287
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:39,740
Oh, it's a long and fleecy story.
288
00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:43,220
So, how did your job interview go?
Yeah, I nailed it.
289
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:48,060
You know, the first 15 seconds
anyone meets you gives an impression
that lasts a lifetime.
290
00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:51,140
What did you do? Well, I fell over.
291
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,180
But they seemed to like my style.
292
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:55,460
How did you manage to fall over?
293
00:19:55,460 --> 00:20:00,260
I didn't manage to, it wasn't
a challenge I'd set myself.
294
00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:04,060
I happened to.
I occasioned on the falling.
295
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:08,020
It was an incident of trippery
that no-one could have foresaw.
296
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:11,940
Within 15 seconds of meeting them?
Yeah, first impressions count.
297
00:20:11,940 --> 00:20:13,980
And clowns do it.
298
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,780
Clowns don't work in factories?
299
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:19,020
Yeah, I was a bit disappointed
in that too.
300
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:21,620
So you walked in and fell over?
301
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:26,980
Yep. So, how in any way, shape or
form do you think you nailed it?
302
00:20:26,980 --> 00:20:31,700
Well, after I'd got up and asked
for a hanky to stem the bleeding...
303
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:36,540
You were bleeding? Only from
my face, what do you think I am?
304
00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:38,180
So, what happened?
305
00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:40,340
Well, we began the interview proper.
306
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:44,380
They asked me why I wanted the job,
all the usual stuff. Yeah.
307
00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:47,420
And I answered eloquently
and succinctly.
308
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:52,820
I want this job because I believe
I would be a valuable asset to the
company, all that bollocks. Yeah.
309
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:55,780
Then they asked me not to say
bollocks in the interview.
310
00:20:57,460 --> 00:20:58,700
Wait.
311
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:04,620
So...you fell over, bled, and swore.
312
00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:10,060
How in God's name
do you think you nailed this job?
313
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:15,460
Well, as I was leaving, the fella
that was there, I'd not noticed him
314
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:17,940
cos I'd been staring at
the female one's tits.
315
00:21:17,940 --> 00:21:19,700
Right.
316
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,420
I suddenly realised
317
00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:26,180
he liked the cut of my jib.
318
00:21:26,180 --> 00:21:27,820
Job nailed.
319
00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:34,100
Oh, well. You with your new job,
320
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:36,780
Hey, you will come and stay,
won't you?
321
00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:39,740
Face it, Gaz, it's not going to
happen, is it?
322
00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:44,980
You'll get in with
all your poncey new Knowsley mates
and forget all about me.
323
00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:46,660
Hey, I won't do that.
324
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:51,020
Come on! Geoff...
with his turbo-diesel.
325
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:54,100
Frank with his pet horse.
326
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,660
I can't compete with that.
327
00:21:56,660 --> 00:22:00,300
I always wanted a friend
called Geoff.
328
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:02,820
I think we all have to face it...
329
00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:06,420
We're all moving on.
330
00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:09,180
This is the end of it all, Gaz.
331
00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:12,940
We're not going to see each other
any more.
332
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:16,260
Yeah, you're right,
333
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:18,100
You are right.
334
00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:23,100
Do you know, I don't think I...
335
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:26,060
Er...God!
336
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:31,500
So, er..
337
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:33,100
when do you start your job?
338
00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:37,020
Probably next week.
I'll find out later.
339
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:40,580
Yeah, that'll be me, eh,
nine to five.
340
00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:44,180
Monday to Friday.
341
00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:48,820
48 weeks a year.
342
00:22:48,820 --> 00:22:50,340
Less bank holidays.
343
00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:52,500
Proper job.
344
00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:55,900
A proper...
345
00:22:57,500 --> 00:23:00,580
Yeah, I don't think I want...
346
00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:08,780
Pint? Yeah. Pint.
347
00:23:08,780 --> 00:23:11,620
Two pints, please.
348
00:23:13,020 --> 00:23:14,340
You know, er...
349
00:23:14,340 --> 00:23:17,300
..I'm proud of you, man.
350
00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:21,260
You know, I'm proud of you
for being brave enough to leave.
351
00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:23,100
Yeah.
352
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,820
Leaving Runcorn.
353
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,500
Getting a job.
354
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:29,820
It's the end of an era, man.
355
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:31,220
Yeah.
356
00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:33,180
To be sure.
357
00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:38,700
I don't want to move to Knowsley!
I don't want to work!
358
00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:46,500
So, er, how's the new house?
359
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,820
I hate it, it's full of wool.
360
00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:55,220
What? I thought you loved it. You
were beginning your new life. I was
beginning mine, you can't back out.
361
00:23:55,220 --> 00:24:01,380
I can't live there. I don't know how
to tell Gaz. He loves that place.
362
00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:05,980
PHONE RINGS
363
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:12,060
Hello. No, he's not,
sorry, can I take a message?
364
00:24:12,940 --> 00:24:16,100
What? Why not?
365
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:19,180
What was wrong with
the cut of his jib exactly?
366
00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:21,780
Hello.
367
00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:24,340
God, that was the biscuit factory.
368
00:24:24,340 --> 00:24:27,020
Jonny didn't get the job. Oh, no!
369
00:24:27,020 --> 00:24:29,580
He's going to be so disappointed.
370
00:24:29,580 --> 00:24:33,540
God, Louise, don't suppose
you're moving on, are you?
371
00:24:33,540 --> 00:24:36,260
Oh, bugger off!
372
00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:40,980
Oh, bugger off. Who was that?
373
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:43,740
My pretend boyfriend.
374
00:24:43,740 --> 00:24:45,620
He's a stylist.
375
00:24:45,620 --> 00:24:47,860
Course he is, mental old Louise.
376
00:24:47,860 --> 00:24:50,780
Janet, I... Donna, I...
Gaz, I... Jonny, I...
377
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:54,460
Oh, no-one says "Louise, I..."
That's just bloody typical.
378
00:24:54,460 --> 00:25:00,340
Gaz, I'm sorry to do this to you,
but I can't move to Knowsley,
it's...
379
00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:02,700
Baa. I can't live in that house!
380
00:25:02,700 --> 00:25:06,540
But, how could you?
I was looking forward to...
381
00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:11,380
You've a lot of making up to do,
young lady, I hope you're prepared
382
00:25:12,940 --> 00:25:15,940
..and forwards.
383
00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:18,100
And wiggle about a bit.
384
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,420
Gaz?
385
00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:23,220
I can't stand that shit-hole
either.
386
00:25:24,420 --> 00:25:28,660
Jonny, the biscuit factory phoned.
Oh, no.
387
00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:30,220
You didn't get it.
388
00:25:30,220 --> 00:25:31,980
Oh, yes!
389
00:25:31,980 --> 00:25:36,020
What? Well, you know,
Gaz and Donna aren't moving
390
00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:40,460
and I'm not getting a job,
and Louise is still mental.
391
00:25:42,180 --> 00:25:46,300
It just seems right to keep things
the way they are. Oh, I...
392
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:51,820
Shall I get that?
No. No, I'll get it.
393
00:25:56,860 --> 00:25:58,380
Hello.
394
00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:21,900
# Every night in my dreams
395
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:23,780
# I see you
396
00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:27,380
# I feel you... #
397
00:26:27,380 --> 00:26:30,380
It's me that got you shot. Gaz!
398
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:33,060
Janet!
399
00:26:37,020 --> 00:26:40,260
I had to tell Jonny about me
and Janet sleeping together.
400
00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:42,780
I know what happened.
401
00:26:42,780 --> 00:26:44,860
If we don't make it through this...
402
00:26:44,860 --> 00:26:47,580
I want you to stay
and forgive me and Gaz.
403
00:26:47,580 --> 00:26:50,740
I'm having a baby.
Janet's having your baby.
404
00:26:50,740 --> 00:26:52,980
Oh, my shit.
405
00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:56,780
I am so turned on.
406
00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:58,700
Take me, right here, right now.
407
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,500
Janet, will you marry me?
Oh, my God!
408
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:06,580
Have you seen Johnny?
This is the best ever!
409
00:27:06,580 --> 00:27:11,060
Have you seen Janet? You can't
throw everything away like that.
410
00:27:14,260 --> 00:27:16,460
Bang on the cab,
the driver could hear you.
411
00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:19,020
I said cab.
412
00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:23,860
Cheese! Get your box out.
413
00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:25,300
Coo-eee!
414
00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:28,860
How does a baby's head come out
of something so small?
415
00:27:28,860 --> 00:27:31,060
Small. You think a lot of yourself!
416
00:27:31,060 --> 00:27:34,620
If I don't pull through,
raise her as if she was your own.
417
00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:36,780
NO!
418
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:38,700
Jesus Christ!
419
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:40,380
Forgive them, Lord.
420
00:27:40,380 --> 00:27:42,620
Slap. Get Johnny.
421
00:27:42,620 --> 00:27:44,140
I love you.
422
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:46,540
And that's my...
423
00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:47,980
my family.
424
00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:56,300
I'll see you in an hour.
31661
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