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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:06,300
I'm a mother now with motherly
responsibilities. He smiled at me.
2
00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:10,500
The only thing that matters
in the whole... Beer!
3
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:13,700
Oh, baba, baba, baba!
4
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:16,140
BURPS
5
00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:21,180
Janet, he smiled at me!
You bucket-headed bitch!
6
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:28,820
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
7
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:32,460
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:38,380
# But that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
9
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:43,660
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
10
00:00:43,660 --> 00:00:46,580
# And a pack of flakies. #
11
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:55,700
Garibaldi.
12
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,340
Gari...baldi.
13
00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:03,060
Jonny, what are you doing?
I'm teaching my boy to talk.
14
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:05,220
Garibaldi.
15
00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:11,060
He's three weeks old.
If you say Garibaldi now,
it'll be very frightening.
16
00:01:11,060 --> 00:01:14,060
I'll start him
on something English.
17
00:01:15,060 --> 00:01:17,100
Bourbon.
18
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,620
Oh, shit, that's French!
19
00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:23,860
Don't swear at him. I might as well.
20
00:01:23,860 --> 00:01:28,300
He's taking it in. He won't say
anything for a year. A year?
21
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:34,220
He's a baby! All he can do is grasp,
distinguish shapes and be startled.
22
00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:38,260
Startled, you say?
Don't do it. I'm just saying!
23
00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:40,980
Janet, I love Corinthian very much.
24
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:46,140
He's the greatest, most magical
thing that's happened to me, but...
25
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:52,500
What? He's a bit boring, isn't he?
Jonny! He's not what I expected
from the nappy adverts.
26
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:56,780
I expected him to chuckle
and talk like Hugh Laurie.
27
00:01:56,780 --> 00:02:02,980
Don't believe adverts.
Irn Bru isn't made from girders
and Red Bull doesn't give you wings.
28
00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:06,820
And kids won't do anything
for a Dairylea triangle.
29
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:11,220
As you discovered when you tried
to join Blazin' Squad!
30
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:14,860
I thought I could teach him
a few tricks.
31
00:02:14,860 --> 00:02:19,540
Don't be silly. Says you who feeds
him milk from your breasts!
32
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:25,220
That's not a trick, Jonny. We've
been through this. Leave him alone.
33
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:30,500
BABY WHIMPERS
34
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,540
Ohhhh!
35
00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:38,460
God, even that didn't work!
36
00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:45,700
Here we are, madame -
your full continental breakfast.
37
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:48,260
Tres bien.
38
00:02:50,060 --> 00:02:53,900
The continent in question
being Asia.
39
00:02:55,820 --> 00:03:00,580
With a particular emphasis
on the Madras region of India. Eugh!
40
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:04,940
We've had curry for breakfast.
41
00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:08,500
I can't remember
when we last had a curry together.
42
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:13,500
I can. It was before we split up.
I knew you'd be back to finish it!
43
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:17,500
We all keep souvenirs.
You kept your mum's HRT tablets.
44
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:22,220
It was the only feminine thing she
left me. And her Union Jack merkin!
45
00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:24,660
I'm a man. I don't really cook.
46
00:03:24,660 --> 00:03:28,620
You don't really talk
and you don't really listen. I do.
47
00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:31,300
You do what?
48
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,020
What you just said.
49
00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:41,180
I said you don't LISTEN. You should
try listening to ME. OK, great.
50
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,500
Did you hear that?
51
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:49,300
No.
52
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:52,220
It was a bit of a quiet one.
53
00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:56,140
Gaz! You're disgusting. I'm going!
54
00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:59,380
Don't leave me again.
I'll do anything!
55
00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:04,100
Going out, Gaz. I'm not
56
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:08,500
That's fantastic.
57
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,140
Or maybe I AM leaving you.
58
00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:16,180
What? Maybe I'll find someone
who knows how to treat women.
59
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,700
I treat women all the time.
60
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:24,180
What? I'm not even out of bed and
you've nearly given me botulism!
61
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:29,740
Yeah, sorry. Stay there. I'll make
you a breakfast you won't believe.
62
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:33,940
Then we can have a proper talk
about our relationship.
63
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:37,740
We don't need one of those!
I'll leave you!
64
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:41,620
All right, we can have a talk,
whatever you want.
65
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:43,940
Could be on to something here.
66
00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:50,820
Oh!
67
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:54,060
Agh! No umbrella!
68
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:58,940
Agh! Oh!
69
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,740
I can't dial 999 again.
70
00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:09,100
Stop! Just please stop raining!
71
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,500
Oh!
72
00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:18,220
Thank you very much...
73
00:05:18,220 --> 00:05:21,260
DISTANT RUMBLE
74
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:30,620
Jonny, the kitchen window's
wide open.
75
00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:35,580
Oh, yeah, that was me.
I was dangling the baby out.
76
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:43,060
What? I was going to, then I thought
77
00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:45,860
You know, like Michael Jackson?
78
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:51,500
When dealing with young children,
he's not your best role model.
79
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:58,340
I'm just trying to jazz him up
a bit. No need. I know how to make
him the most exciting baby in town.
80
00:05:58,340 --> 00:06:01,340
Set him on fire!
81
00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:03,860
We'll get him christened.
82
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:06,820
Everyone does that. It's dull.
83
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:10,860
Tough! Donna and Gaz
are gonna be the godparents.
84
00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:16,780
But it's boring. Unless...
Can we get him christened Jewish?
85
00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:21,700
No! Go on, I'm Jewish.
I just never mentioned it.
86
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:25,020
You are not Jewish. I am...already!
87
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:35,220
If you were Jewish, you wouldn't
celebrate Christmas or hold
three marbles under your foreskin!
88
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:39,540
Racist!
89
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:48,300
Madame, may I say how very beautiful
you look this morning? Merci.
90
00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:59,380
After Eights for breakfast?
91
00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:03,660
Only the best for my princess.
Where's the toast?
92
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:14,940
To Donna...
a very special little lady.
93
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:18,340
Gaz, what are you doing?
94
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:23,340
I'm doing what you asked. I didn't
ask you to turn into Nigel Havers.
95
00:07:23,340 --> 00:07:28,060
Do you want the new Gaz or not?
I want some emotional sensitivity.
96
00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:31,300
I don't even know what that is!
97
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:35,980
It means listening and talking
and being honest about emotions.
98
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,380
Eugh!
99
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:41,500
How did you feel when we split up?
100
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:44,340
I felt...bad.
101
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:46,380
OK.
102
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:49,020
And when we got back together?
103
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:52,060
I felt...
104
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,020
Good.
105
00:07:56,020 --> 00:08:00,180
Good, yeah.
It's quite intense, innit?
106
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:06,980
I need more, Gaz. I need you to
open up. I need you to articulate
107
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:11,940
I can't! I might go and find someone
108
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:18,100
No, no. But if you open up,
we could try that thing
you suggested last night.
109
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:22,060
That thing you saw
in that documentary about eels.
110
00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:26,540
Oh, yeah. You can do it, Gaz!
111
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:31,100
As a man,
I feel that to win your approval,
112
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:35,540
I must project an image
of strength and invulnerability,
113
00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:39,580
thus my masculinity threatens
to undermine itself.
114
00:08:42,380 --> 00:08:45,740
Hey? Go on, budge up, then!
115
00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:52,740
Hello!
116
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:56,100
Janet! I need to talk to you.
117
00:08:57,100 --> 00:09:00,020
'Ah, good morning, Louise.'
118
00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:08,500
Hello. 'Please, do take a seat.
119
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:13,340
'The parents will be
with you shortly.
120
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:17,380
'Terribly unpredictable weather
we've been having.
121
00:09:17,380 --> 00:09:21,340
'These might be the first signs
of global warming.'
122
00:09:21,340 --> 00:09:27,580
Jonny, I don't know
what you're doing, but I'm sure
this counts as child abuse.
123
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:31,100
Are you in the pub?
124
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:36,180
I never thought of that! These
will transmit as far as the pub?
125
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:40,420
This family is clearly in need
of spiritual guidance.
126
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:47,380
You what? Spiritual guidance.
I had a religious experience
127
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:53,100
I asked God to stop the rain
and He did. Right.
128
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:58,980
He allows war and famine,
but he doesn't want you
129
00:09:58,980 --> 00:10:03,020
Sorry, Louise. You're too late
to save this little soul.
130
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,420
Look what I found!
131
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:07,860
The mark of the beast!
132
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:17,060
You've drawn 666 on my baby's head?
I hope that's not permanent ink!
133
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,540
That's how I found him.
134
00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:23,260
If you can't look after him,
leave him alone.
135
00:10:23,260 --> 00:10:29,300
OK, fine. I'm going out.
But don't blame me
when he grows up as boring as you!
136
00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:35,740
Forgive them, Lord,
for they know not what they do.
137
00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:44,100
You see? There are some benefits
138
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,660
It's fantastic. Yep.
139
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:52,020
Just letting you take control and
not having to think what to do next.
140
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:56,700
I needed less blood for my brains
and there was more for... I noticed.
141
00:10:56,700 --> 00:11:02,820
For my cock. Yes. I had you in
the palm of my hand. Aye, you did.
142
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:05,380
You've still got some there, look.
143
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:11,140
So, tell me what to do next.
144
00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:14,300
Next, you shall get up. OK.
145
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,820
But be sensitive about it.
146
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:30,100
That's not sensitively,
that's gingerly.
147
00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:36,540
That's ballet. Bollocks!
148
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:44,580
It's not just that God stopped
the rain for me. There's all kinds
of evidence for his existence.
149
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:49,460
The Chloe spaghetti strap dress.
150
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:53,420
The Fendi baguette bag.
Hmm, baguettes!
151
00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:56,380
God has created a bounty for us.
152
00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:59,220
Hmm, Bountys!
153
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:03,460
Yeah, go ahead and mock!
No, I'm not mocking you, Louise.
154
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:07,900
It's great you've found God.
I didn't think you believed in Him.
155
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:12,140
I believe there's something
out there more powerful than me.
156
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:15,300
There are tadpoles
more powerful than you!
157
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:19,060
That's not a very Christian thing
to say. I'm new.
158
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:23,940
I must be a bit religious because
I'm getting Corinthian christened.
159
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:30,140
Wonderful! I'd be honoured
if you'd ask me to be
the godmother, absolutely honoured.
160
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,300
Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
161
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:38,220
But I'm not going to. What? You
162
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:42,780
Well, I was gonna ask...
Not Donna! She's a godless heathen!
163
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:46,700
She lives in sin,
she uses foul language
164
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,260
and she worships the devil.
165
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:53,860
That's all true,
but I'm still gonna ask her.
166
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,700
All right? Hiya. Is Jonny about?
167
00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:03,100
He went for a walk. A walk? What
168
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:09,780
He went to reflect on nature, muse
on the enormity of the world and see
if there was owt tasty in the skips.
169
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:16,260
Bloody hell! Muse on nature!
Donna wants me to do
that kind of poofy gaylording!
170
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:20,980
Donna wants you to be sensitive?
Yeah. Ha!
171
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:28,180
What's "ha"? You're the least
sensitive man in the world.
172
00:13:28,180 --> 00:13:32,900
You're thick-skinned, thick-headed
and thick. That's not true.
173
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:39,060
I cried when Shaun Wright-Phillips
got injured.
It was his little face.
174
00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:45,460
Why can't you apply those emotions
to your relationship with Donna?
No, football's real!
175
00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:52,620
I found a simple cure.
I don't need to explore my emotions
when I've got these. What are they?
176
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:55,180
Flo's oestrogen tablets for HRT.
177
00:13:56,180 --> 00:14:00,060
Instant sensitivity.
It's woman in a bottle!
178
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,900
See you in a bit.
179
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:08,900
Come on, little Corinthian. Let's
see what Daddy's built for you.
180
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,420
Is it a skateboard ramp?
181
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:14,220
Yes, it is a skateboard ramp.
182
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:18,620
Does Corinthian want to go
on the skateboard ramp? Jonny!
183
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:23,580
What are you doing? It's obvious.
184
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:28,180
You can't do that. You haven't got
the planks lined up properly.
185
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,220
That's not Corinthian. It's a doll.
186
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,500
I'm hardly gonna test a skateboard
ramp with my own child!
187
00:14:55,260 --> 00:15:01,060
I'd love to be godmother. She's not
religious! I am. I'm a Catholic.
188
00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:04,860
You don't go to church.
But I feel guilty about it!
189
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:11,620
I'm guilty. The magistrate said so.
Louise, this is my decision.
Donna's one of my oldest friends.
190
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:17,780
And she has childcare experience
191
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:17,780
He's easy to manipulate.
192
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:21,820
I just threaten to leave.
Scares the shit out of him!
193
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:25,980
Makes him behave...
Complete emotional castration!
194
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:28,540
Anyway, I'd love to be godmother.
195
00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:30,980
Well, I'm not so sure now.
196
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:37,100
Why not? You sounded a bit evil.
197
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,660
Lou, you might be in with a chance.
198
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:44,780
Good. And the godparents get
custody after your untimely deaths.
199
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:49,300
Donna would be rubbish.
She'd like mourn or something.
200
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:53,420
I'd make it fun. Corinthian
would soon forget about you.
201
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:58,540
Yeah, you might be in with a chance
as long as you keep your mouth shut!
202
00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:07,780
Maybe if we strap some rockets on,
we can get it to jump further.
203
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:10,620
Do you know that's an adorable cot?
204
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:16,300
Did you just say,
"That's an adorable cot"?
205
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:20,980
Oh, my God, I did!
These pills must be working.
206
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,820
The usual? No.
207
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:28,580
No, I think I'm in the mood
for a refreshing glass of Pimms.
208
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:34,020
My God, those pills must be
209
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:39,060
I feel less competitive with an
overriding need to discuss issues.
210
00:16:40,140 --> 00:16:45,420
Issues? We don't discuss issues. We
talk about important bloke stuff.
211
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:49,660
I'll talk about tits wi' you!
Capital! Great, aren't they?
212
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:54,700
I'm thinking about what's coming
out of Natasha Kaplinsky's mouth,
213
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:59,900
rather than what I could stick
into Natasha Kaplinsky's mouth.
214
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:04,700
It's like I wanna improve myself.
I might do a night course.
215
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:08,740
You can learn to speak English
as a foreign language.
216
00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:12,940
How do you do that? Only one way
217
00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:16,460
Thanks. That means a lot.
218
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:23,820
Jonny, I never tell you this,
but I love you very, very much.
219
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:30,740
Thank you. By which I mean,
thank you for never telling me!
220
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:36,620
Louise would be a crap godmother.
She doesn't even like children.
221
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:43,580
That's not the point. I'd renounce
Satan and bring it up according
to the ways of the church.
222
00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:47,500
What church? The church!
223
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,540
Of God.
224
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:54,660
Janet, she doesn't even know
what religion she is!
225
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:59,540
Donna, Donna, I'm not part of one
of your organised religions.
226
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:05,180
I don't agree with praying, going
to church and doing good deeds.
227
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:09,900
And christenings. Apart from
christenings. I agree with them.
228
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:14,460
I see. Make your mind up.
Which one of us are you having?
229
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:20,140
I don't know. It's so difficult.
You both seem so wrong.
230
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,940
I can't imagine
what Jonny's going through!
231
00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:28,860
By the way, will you be godfather?
Yeah, all right. Cool.
232
00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:34,260
Gaz, what do you think
of Corinthian?
233
00:18:34,260 --> 00:18:36,540
Who?
234
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:39,340
The baby, Gaz. My son.
235
00:18:39,340 --> 00:18:44,260
Oh, yeah. Do you think he's...?
Yours? Definitely, no doubt.
236
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:49,100
Yeah, I know he's mine.
Do you think he's a bit boring?
237
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:52,540
Yeah, like I say,
he's definitely yours.
238
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:57,100
Gaz, I thought you were being
sensitive. Oh, yeah, sorry.
239
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,860
The thing is, Jonny...
240
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:07,060
All babies are boring in a way.
There are no interesting babies.
241
00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:10,140
Well, there's... Baby Spice, yeah.
242
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:12,740
Right, and, um... Babybel.
243
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:16,020
Yeah, and there's... Muppet Babies.
244
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:20,020
Yeah, and, uh...
245
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:25,060
What? Nothing. I was just seeing
how long you could keep going.
246
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:31,500
But at the same time,
all babies are the most beautiful
and exciting people on earth
247
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:34,540
because of the love
they have to give
248
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:39,660
and the bond that exists between a
newborn child and his doting father.
249
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:42,620
You know, you feed him and bathe him
250
00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:45,180
and change his little nappy.
251
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:50,620
That's where the true magic
of fatherhood is to be found.
252
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:56,700
Who are you
253
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:04,140
Over here, Corinthian. Smile
at your Auntie Lou. Look at me!
254
00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:08,180
There! Do you see that?
It definitely smiled at me!
255
00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,780
IT smiled at you?
256
00:20:10,780 --> 00:20:14,540
It? It's not an "it". It's a "she".
257
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:19,780
"He", actually.
258
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:24,740
Is it? This is ridiculous!
Janet, you've got to choose me!
259
00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:32,500
Why can't people just do as they're
told? Her thinking that the world
260
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,140
BABY CRIES
261
00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:39,940
And you not even asking your best
mate if I can be godmother!
262
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:44,940
Stop there! I don't think you can be
Corinthian's godmother. Ha!
263
00:20:44,940 --> 00:20:47,740
Why not? Because you've gone mad!
264
00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:53,540
And Louise, well, she's also mad,
but at least she believes in God.
265
00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:58,500
I see. Well, if that's the way
you want to play it, I'm leaving.
266
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:03,660
OK. I mean it. I'll find someone
who knows how to treat women!
267
00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:08,860
FRONT DOOR OPENS
268
00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:13,740
Hiya. You've decided to come back
269
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:20,780
Yeah, I had a long talk with Gaz
about parental responsibility
270
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:26,820
What? No matter
how boring the baby might be,
at least he's not as boring as Gaz!
271
00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:32,860
Gaz - there's someone
who doesn't mess me around.
I'll go and talk to him!
272
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:37,260
That's nice from someone
you've asked to be godmother!
273
00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:41,420
I've asked Louise instead
because she believes in God.
274
00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:44,620
Actually, I don't.
275
00:21:44,620 --> 00:21:48,860
What? Well,
276
00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:52,260
I think... I think I am He.
277
00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:57,500
And again - what?
278
00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:02,460
Think about it. I ask God
to stop the rain and it stops.
279
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:06,300
I ask Him to make me the godmother
and it happens.
280
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:12,980
Is it coincidence that I'm the most
beautiful creature in the northwest
281
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:17,020
You can't be God.
You're too much of a squeaky twat!
282
00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:22,180
Nobody's perfect, Janet.
Even Jesus had vices.
283
00:22:22,180 --> 00:22:26,620
Did he? Yeah, when he needed them.
He was a carpenter.
284
00:22:28,740 --> 00:22:32,780
Right, that's it.
The christening is off.
285
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:38,220
It can't be off. It's not
a real baby till it's christened.
286
00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:43,620
I don't care. If me and Jonny die,
he can take his chances in the wild
287
00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:45,820
and be raised by wolves.
288
00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:49,780
There are no wolves around here.
289
00:22:49,780 --> 00:22:52,380
Or wasps.
290
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:55,340
My son shall be raised by wasps.
291
00:22:58,580 --> 00:23:02,060
Is that a new top? What?
292
00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:07,660
You should wear blue more often. It
brings out the colour in your eyes.
293
00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:11,740
You're wasting your time
trying to chat me up. I know.
294
00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:15,100
If you want a good shagging,
get on the bar!
295
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:20,900
Why are you so fixated on sex? Is it
a mask for some deeper loneliness?
296
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,380
No. I think
you're toying with yourself.
297
00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:28,100
I'll have to
if you don't get up on the bar.
298
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:32,860
We're going! No, I'm going through
299
00:23:32,860 --> 00:23:40,340
I think she's using her sexuality
as a barrier between herself and the
world. I'm not. I wanna go home.
300
00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:45,380
I can't be there for both of you.
I need some space. Gaz, come home!
301
00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:50,180
I couldn't relax knowing Kelly
hadn't resolved this. Now, Gaz!
302
00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,500
Oh, now?
303
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,460
Gaz?
304
00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:03,620
Gaz, are you crying?
305
00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,940
SOBS
306
00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:12,340
I just don't see
why you always have to shout at me!
307
00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:20,180
But you've got to have
a christening, Janet.
308
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:26,180
It makes sense to wait
till Corinthian's older,
so he can help with the buffet.
309
00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:30,020
Well, it's your decision.
310
00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:35,060
It's best a child be received into
the church as early as possible,
311
00:24:35,060 --> 00:24:38,980
but we must respect the choice
of the parents.
312
00:24:38,980 --> 00:24:45,180
I name you Corinthian Louise Keogh.
May God bless you and protect you
313
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,780
Louise!
How dare you christen my baby!
314
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:51,180
Too late. You can't undo it.
315
00:24:51,180 --> 00:24:53,580
Aagh!
316
00:24:55,900 --> 00:24:58,460
Maybe it's not so bad being boring.
317
00:24:58,460 --> 00:25:02,500
At least you aren't
clinically insane like Uncle Gaz.
318
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:06,580
Or clinically squeaky
like Auntie Louise.
319
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:10,300
I just wish you could do
one exciting thing.
320
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,860
Like whistle
or play the banjo or ski.
321
00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:18,180
But you can't.
All you can do is lie there and...
322
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:20,820
WHIMPERS
323
00:25:20,820 --> 00:25:23,660
Janet! Janet!
324
00:25:23,660 --> 00:25:29,700
What's the matter?
Have you ever seen anything
so amazing in your whole life?
325
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,540
It's a nappy full of poo.
326
00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:36,380
Not just any poo, Janet.
Bright green poo!
327
00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:38,700
Bright green!
328
00:25:43,260 --> 00:25:46,260
All babies do... What?
329
00:25:46,260 --> 00:25:48,820
Nothing. You're right.
330
00:25:48,820 --> 00:25:52,820
He is the most talented baby
the world has ever seen.
331
00:25:52,820 --> 00:25:57,660
He is, isn't he? I might cancel
his bungee-jumping session now.
332
00:25:57,660 --> 00:26:02,220
Thank God for that!
You're welcome.
333
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:13,140
Gaz?
334
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:17,060
It's been three hours.
Please stop weeping!
335
00:26:18,060 --> 00:26:21,460
I can't. It's my time of the month.
336
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:28,700
Just stop taking
my dead mother's oestrogen tablets.
337
00:26:28,700 --> 00:26:33,220
It's what you wanted.
Can you get me some chocolate? No!
338
00:26:33,220 --> 00:26:35,900
You don't understand me.
339
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:42,740
I understand that you've got
so much female hormone in your body
340
00:26:44,620 --> 00:26:47,700
Are you calling me fat? No!
341
00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:53,060
If you stop crying, I'll let you
watch the Chuck Norris collection.
342
00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:58,500
He's a misogynist! You can drink all
343
00:26:58,500 --> 00:27:01,780
It'll just go straight on my hips.
344
00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:06,380
I'll let you bum-love me.
345
00:27:06,380 --> 00:27:08,940
I'll get the lube.
346
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,460
Aaagh! Aaagh!
347
00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:18,500
Ow!
348
00:27:20,860 --> 00:27:23,900
# Na-na-na-na-na-na! #
349
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:27,260
# Nee-naw, nee-naw! #
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
350
00:27:31,260 --> 00:27:33,100
Shoo, shoo!
351
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:35,660
SOBBING
29235
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