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1
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Jesus Christ!
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00:00:04,820 --> 00:00:05,860
I love you.
3
00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:10,780
Where is he?
4
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He's in here in the cot.
5
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Where does this leave us? Do these
curtains draw round? I'm on it.
6
00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:24,540
Corinthian McVitie Keown. Our son.
7
00:00:30,220 --> 00:00:33,340
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
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00:00:33,340 --> 00:00:36,980
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
9
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:42,900
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
10
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:44,700
# Just think I'll wait a while
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00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:48,180
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
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00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:51,940
# And a pack of flakeys. #
13
00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:59,860
Who's got the best little
toesy-woesies in the world?
14
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:05,380
Corinthian has. Hi, Janet.
Yes, he has. You have, yes.
15
00:01:05,380 --> 00:01:09,860
Janet! I'd not bother.
What is wrong with her?
16
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:16,460
I'll try Donna then.
17
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:19,620
And who has got the best
little cheesy-wheesy kneesies?
18
00:01:19,620 --> 00:01:21,940
Corinthian has.
19
00:01:21,940 --> 00:01:27,980
Janet, exactly where on the body are
the cheesy-wheesy kneesies located?
20
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:32,020
Jonny, as you well know,
it's a medical fact that
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are located between
the thighsy-whysy piesies
22
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:38,220
and the shinny-whinny Albert Finneys.
23
00:01:38,220 --> 00:01:39,980
I wish you could hear yourself.
24
00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:42,420
Baby-talk sounds so stupid.
25
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,260
Doesn't it, little Corinthian?
26
00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:46,260
Yes, it does.
27
00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,900
Yes, it does.
28
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See, it's catching.
29
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:54,900
And who has got the best
30
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,860
Who's the pretty one?
Who's the pretty one?
31
00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:00,860
Mummy could just vomit
with love, couldn't she?
32
00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:05,180
Yes, if her stitchy-witches
wouldn't bursty-wursty.
33
00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:08,380
Janet, I think it's great
you're so in love with him.
34
00:02:08,380 --> 00:02:11,980
I am, too, but why don't you
give ME any attention anymore?
35
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:16,380
I thought I'd be the one
bursting your stitchy-witches.
36
00:02:16,380 --> 00:02:19,060
Because he's my first baby.
37
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:20,700
I'm bound to be clingy...
38
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,660
wingy.
39
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:28,060
I just don't want to miss anything.
The book says he could smile any day
now. I absolutely can't miss that.
40
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:33,540
Did I miss it, Baba?
Who has got the best little toesy...
41
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,060
Jonny!
42
00:02:42,940 --> 00:02:45,020
Donna...?
43
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That's it, bite it. Bite it.
44
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:58,740
This has been amazing.
You're confident, smart,
sophisticated, clever.
45
00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:02,180
Yeah, yeah. I'll see you at three
for another bang in the cellar.
46
00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:06,100
Unless my 2.55 overruns.
47
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:09,380
I can't wait.
And bring your own condom.
48
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,300
Mine is getting darned.
49
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,100
Hello.
50
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:19,180
What's going on?
51
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My life seems to have fallen apart.
52
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,420
It's funny.
53
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,140
And sad, like Granddad's funeral.
54
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,940
I don't understand.
55
00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:30,980
I'm not fat or spotty,
56
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or you.
57
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,180
Why am I so unpopular?
58
00:03:35,180 --> 00:03:37,100
Why are you so unpopular?
59
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I just can't imagine.
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00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:45,420
I go around and see Janet, right,
and just because she has this baby
she claims to have given birth to...
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00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:48,180
she's got no time for me.
Selfish bitch.
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00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:51,380
And then I go round
and see Donna and she's...
63
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:55,300
doing unmentionable yogic poses
balanced on Gaz.
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00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,740
Lucky bitch!
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00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:02,380
You don't need mates. In fact,
you don't really need anyone.
66
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:06,620
Oh, so you're saying
that I'm unpopular because
I don't have a boyfriend.
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00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,300
I didn't say anything like that.
68
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:11,420
Yes, but with the likes of you
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00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:15,220
It's inevitably more interesting.
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00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:17,420
Oh. OK. Well...
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00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:21,060
blah blah blah blah blah blah.
72
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:25,340
Yeah, it is a lovely brooch,
isn't it?
73
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:28,460
Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah.
74
00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:33,300
Ah, you think if I get myself
a boyfriend like Donna has and
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Blah blah blah.
76
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:37,620
You're absolutely right.
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00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:39,460
I can get myself a fella.
78
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:42,140
In fact, I'm going to get myself...
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00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:44,220
..your fella.
80
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:47,820
Go for it,
I've got plenty of spares. Albert!
81
00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:57,940
Show Auntie Donna-wonna-
ronna-Des-O'Connor your trick. Yes.
82
00:04:57,940 --> 00:04:59,460
Watch this, Donna. It's amazing.
83
00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:04,340
He's drooling.
84
00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:11,300
That's not a trick. Turning a nappy
into a flock of doves, that's
a trick. Whose baby did that?
85
00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:15,860
Nobody's, I was just...
86
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:18,500
Do you want to hold him? He smells.
87
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,020
In a good way.
88
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,220
Hold him, erm, no thanks.
89
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,740
What is the matter with you?
Everyone likes babies.
90
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:28,380
Don't they, Corinthian? Yes.
91
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:30,660
Well, it's just that...
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00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:34,420
I'm a career bitch, frankly.
93
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,460
Babies, no!
94
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:39,260
..a-boo!...A-boo!
95
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:44,980
You're not even listening to me.
96
00:05:44,980 --> 00:05:47,420
Yes. For God's sakes.
97
00:05:47,420 --> 00:05:50,020
I just don't want to
miss anything, Don.
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00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:52,900
Like the funny snuffly sound
he makes when he breathes out.
99
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:56,300
Or the little sniffly
sound when he breathes in.
100
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:59,420
Have you ever thought
about cleaning his nose?
101
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,780
And his first smile
is coming up soon.
102
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,420
I can't miss that.
Don't you understand?
103
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:08,260
I understand that my best mate
has turned into a baby bore.
104
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:11,260
A baby... How dare you?!
105
00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:14,140
14 hours of labour.
The miracle of life.
106
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,100
A chuff like a wizard's sleeve.
107
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:23,220
You're just jealous. Jealous?
108
00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:27,700
Yes, because your life is empty,
because all you've got
are stupid buckets.
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Stupid?!
110
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Buckets!
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00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:36,500
How dare you?! Next
time you want to wash Corinthian's
sick off the floor,
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00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,860
ask where you'd be
without a stupid bucket.
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00:06:38,860 --> 00:06:42,140
You'd be up bucket creek
without a bucket paddle.
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00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:52,220
Who's the biggest twatty-watty in
the world? Donna is, yes, she is.
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00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:59,300
Thank God you're here.
I'm getting absolutely no
attention at home. It's a nightmare.
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00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,500
Gaz...
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00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:06,420
Gaz! I heard you.
118
00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:09,860
It's easy to get attention
from women. Try this!
119
00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:13,940
Over here! Ladies! Hello.
120
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:18,740
I had to run from the cellar,
hence my musty odour.
121
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:21,940
It was a false alarm, Kelly, sorry.
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00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:27,020
That's OK. It's like a fire drill,
best to be prepared.
123
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:30,860
No, I mean,
Janet prefers the baby to me.
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It's like when he blew a big
snot bubble out of his nose,
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00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:39,340
Then, when I did an even bigger one,
she told me it was disgusting.
126
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Such cruel hypocrisy.
127
00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:44,540
But you're coping all right -
he's a good lad and that?
128
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:48,740
Oh, God, yeah, I love him so much
129
00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:51,460
All 23 pence.
130
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:52,700
What, are you skint?
131
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,100
I've got absolutely
no money whatsoever.
132
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,820
Babies cost a fortune, don't they?
133
00:07:56,820 --> 00:08:03,580
I proposed that we recycle the
nappies but Janet vetoed the idea
before I could begin the scraping.
134
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,780
Well, I can give you money.
135
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:08,860
No, mate, no.
136
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:11,700
I couldn't accept money...
How much are we talking about?
137
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,820
How much do you need?
138
00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:16,660
I mean, he's my... Your what?
139
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:20,380
He's my very best friend,
it's the least I can do.
140
00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:23,460
I couldn't accept
£200 from you, though.
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00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:25,620
£200!
142
00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:27,740
It's my final offer.
143
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:30,940
Fine, I'll give you £200, so long
as you tell Corinthian it's from me.
144
00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:36,660
Yes, like I can get a word in
edgeways. It's all bababa this
145
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:38,620
Like living with Gareth Gates.
146
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:44,500
Well, if she's obsessed with the
baby, try being like a baby.
147
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,460
Do what babies do.
Women need to nurture.
148
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:53,460
Yes, you're right. I'm going to go
in there, throw my hand up and go,
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00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,980
Here I am.
150
00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:07,580
Hello, gorgeous.
151
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:08,860
You love it, don't you!
152
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:12,940
Oi! Get off! This is new.
Everything you own is new.
153
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:15,660
I know, look what I just bought.
154
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:19,300
They cost me a bit, but I'm
155
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:22,300
Bling bling, bling bling. Ooh, nice!
156
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,740
I'm glad we're in the money,
cos Jonny's skint.
157
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:27,780
I said I'd give him £200 for the
baby. Do you reckon that's enough?
158
00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:29,940
£200?
159
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:31,860
Give him enough?
160
00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:35,260
Are you just randomly
repeating what I just said?
161
00:09:35,260 --> 00:09:38,980
Repeating randomly said?
162
00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:42,300
We can afford it, you're
Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.
163
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:44,820
If you want to give that baby
money, use your own funds.
164
00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:47,260
I've not got any funds.
165
00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:49,940
Well, I could sell one of my livers.
166
00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:52,740
Don't be stupid,
you've only got one liver.
167
00:09:52,740 --> 00:09:55,300
When did that happen?
168
00:09:57,140 --> 00:10:02,500
You only get one. Two kidneys,
one liver, that's the deal.
169
00:10:03,380 --> 00:10:05,020
One of my kidneys then.
170
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,380
You'd sell a kidney for Corinthian?
171
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,820
You're so selfish.
What if I fancied it?
172
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:13,500
Oh, I get it, you just hate babies.
173
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:16,540
Donna Henshaw -
hates babies, loves buckets.
174
00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:19,460
I don't hate babies,
I just don't like that one.
175
00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:23,060
Because you can't fill him with
soapy water and wiggle a mop in him.
176
00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:26,420
It could be yours, Gaz, because
Janet's son could be your son
177
00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:29,380
and every time I think
about it, it turns me up inside.
178
00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:32,460
You're not giving Jonny any
of OUR money for THAT baby.
179
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:35,620
Donna.
180
00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:38,300
Bollocks.
181
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:40,460
Oh! Two bollocks.
182
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,140
What a clever boy,
do it again for Mummy.
183
00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:48,940
What a clever boy.
184
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:52,860
Janet? Not now, Jonny,
I'm watching Corinthian blink.
185
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,620
Janet? Look at me.
186
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:02,220
Look how floppy my head is.
187
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:03,740
I'm dribbling.
188
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:09,180
Jonny! How could you make fun
of that nice Stephen Hawking.
189
00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,020
That's so horrible.
190
00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:17,540
I'm not, I'm being a baby.
191
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:19,180
Since that's your new hobby.
192
00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:20,780
Jonny, why are you doing this?
193
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,940
Because I'm lonely, Janet.
194
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:25,900
The more you neglect me,
195
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:28,540
Goo-goo ga-ga etc.
196
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:30,980
This is so pathetic.
197
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:33,540
They said about baby
envy at antenatal.
198
00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:36,460
Poor chicken bunny, come here.
199
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,580
That's better.
Have you been neglectedy-wecktedy?
200
00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:41,580
Don't do the voice, Janet.
201
00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:44,940
Look, I promise we'll do
something together soon.
202
00:11:44,940 --> 00:11:47,740
He could smile any day now,
I don't want to miss anything.
203
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,900
You're not missing
anything right now.
204
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,860
How are your stitchy-witches
coming along?
205
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,900
I think they might be just about...
206
00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:55,900
BABY SNEEZES
207
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:59,500
What was that noise? It was me.
208
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,260
It came from the cot.
209
00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:04,060
No, it didn't. I did it, see.
210
00:12:04,060 --> 00:12:06,660
Atchoo.
211
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:09,220
I'm practising my ventriloquism.
212
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,900
Jonny,
you made me miss his first sneeze.
213
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,780
BABY SNEEZES
214
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,780
And a second.
215
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:18,620
There'll be more.
I'll grind some pepper in his
face and make him do it again.
216
00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:22,660
Please don't leave me like this.
217
00:12:22,660 --> 00:12:24,420
I'm vaguely aroused.
218
00:12:27,260 --> 00:12:30,100
That was so...
219
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,500
painful.
220
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,580
The secret's in the Tabasco.
221
00:12:33,580 --> 00:12:36,940
Now bugger off you,
I've got an appointment
with a married man in five.
222
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:41,060
They're the best,
the guilt makes them cry.
223
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,700
Hi. Hi.
224
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:49,060
Bye. Wait, where are you going?
225
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:54,260
Chemist. I've had a Tabasco-related
incident with Kelly and I'm
in dire need of E45 cream.
226
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:58,100
Look boy, what do you see in her?
227
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:04,860
I don't know, it's like
228
00:13:04,860 --> 00:13:07,220
I can do not needy.
229
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,380
I don't need you, watch.
230
00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:13,660
See?
231
00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:19,900
Why isn't he interested? What's
wrong with me? Maybe you're ugly.
232
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,220
Half a lager please, Kelly.
233
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:28,580
No, I'm treating myself today,
I'll have a pint...
234
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:31,820
of champagne
and your most expensive crisps.
235
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:35,140
Nice bracelet. It's new.
236
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:37,900
Nice bag. It's new.
237
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,820
Nice jacket.
238
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,940
It's new. Are you following
the pattern yet?
239
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:47,140
I bet Janet's grateful for all
the handouts you'll be giving her,
what with the baby.
240
00:13:47,140 --> 00:13:50,500
Yeuch! That baby!
Gaz thinks we should help her out.
241
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:53,620
He thinks you should help out your
best friend with their newborn baby?
242
00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:56,580
Golly, what hare-brained
scheme will he think of next?
243
00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:03,020
Where's the big smiley-wily
for mummy-scrummy-wummy?
244
00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:05,460
Where is it? Where is it?
245
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,900
Where the bloody hell is it?
246
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,940
Please smile for me, Corinthian.
247
00:14:10,940 --> 00:14:16,340
Janet? I want you to know that
I've developed an illness
through your wilful neglect.
248
00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:19,060
That's right, nappy rash.
249
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,780
I hope you're satisfied.
250
00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:32,220
Jonny, that's one of my best towels.
251
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:33,940
Not anymore it isn't.
252
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:36,660
It's rather snug
and I've been squatting.
253
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,580
That is sick, Jonny.
254
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,740
I didn't complain when
you dressed as a nurse.
255
00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:44,580
This is revolting.
256
00:14:44,580 --> 00:14:46,060
I can't even bear to look at you.
257
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:51,140
Fair enough, do you feel
you want to nurture me...
258
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,700
in bed?
259
00:14:56,740 --> 00:15:00,220
No. That's the sickest thing
I've ever seen.
260
00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:03,620
I'm taking Corinthian away from you.
261
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:05,460
You perv!
262
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:08,620
Fine. I'll be in the Archer.
263
00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:19,740
Janet, I may need changing.
264
00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:27,860
I'm going to get him a new cot,
a new pram, a pile of baby-grows
265
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,740
He'll be the classiest baby
in Runcorn.
266
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:35,420
Listen Jonny, about the money.
And, I'm going to get big Dave
to tattoo "Janet" on his arse.
267
00:15:35,420 --> 00:15:38,580
That'll surprise Janet
next time she changes him.
268
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,220
I can't give you any money, Jonny.
I'm sorry.
269
00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:46,820
You what? Why? Because Donna thinks
Corinthian is my...my...microscopic.
270
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,980
He's a foot long.
271
00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:53,020
Donna thinks your son is Satan.
272
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,500
Well, fair point, Gaz.
273
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,780
But even Satan needs bootees.
274
00:15:57,780 --> 00:15:59,540
Burberry bootees.
275
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,980
Look, it's not much, but here's £20.
276
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,580
Don't insult me.
277
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:11,660
How am I going to get
Janet's attention now?
278
00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:14,900
There must be something
I can do better than him.
279
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:17,660
I can grasp, he can't. Ha!
280
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:21,580
I shall impress Janet with
my powers of graspinosity.
281
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:25,260
Well, Janet does enjoy a good grasp.
282
00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:27,180
I could drink.
283
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:28,980
Babies can't drink alcohol.
284
00:16:28,980 --> 00:16:32,420
I'll take Janet out and get her
bladdered. The baby can stay home.
285
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:37,700
On his own?
He'll be all right for one night.
286
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:40,460
No, Jonny,
me and Donna will look after him.
287
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:44,540
Gaz, you're an imbecile
and Donna hates him.
288
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:45,620
8 o'clock okay?
289
00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:51,860
Janet, I need your help.
290
00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:55,340
There's only one person in the world
that I'm interested in helping.
291
00:16:56,860 --> 00:16:59,580
Would I be right in thinking
that's me?
292
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:01,940
No.
293
00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:05,820
Come on, Janet,
you can spare five minutes.
294
00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:09,220
I'm lonely,
I don't have any friends.
295
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,060
Get a hobby then.
296
00:17:11,060 --> 00:17:14,060
I can't.
You and Donna were my hobby.
297
00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:17,700
I used to observe your ways
and log them in my pocket book.
298
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,700
Monday, Janet cooked a pie.
299
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,660
Tuesday, Janet cooked a pie.
300
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:28,100
Wednesday, Janet continued
with her pie-related behaviour.
301
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:31,220
Louise, we've got our
own lives to lead now.
302
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:33,420
Why don't you
get yourself a boyfriend?
303
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,380
I can't.
304
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:38,620
The man I'm interested in
only wants Kelly.
305
00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:42,180
How can I compete
with a walking vagina?
306
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:44,180
Just do what she does.
307
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:48,740
I've tried.
I was unattainable and elusive.
308
00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:51,740
Then he escaped just
like all my other my pets.
309
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:56,100
Incidentally, how does
a kitten escape from a briefcase?
310
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:01,540
Why don't you try getting to
know him, be friends first?
311
00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,660
Maybe all you need is friendship.
312
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,260
Friends, with a man?
313
00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:10,060
What an interesting new concept.
314
00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:13,420
I suppose anything's worth
a shot at this stage.
315
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,580
Ciao.
316
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,540
Janet, I've made a decision.
317
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,340
We're having a night out. Nope.
318
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:27,580
Come on.
319
00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:30,100
Don't you think you're
being a bit over-protective?
320
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,700
Absolutely not.
321
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,980
Don't stand in the way of his
sunlight, Jonny, he'll get rickets.
322
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,180
OK, right.
323
00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:40,620
Do you remember lazy-eyed Lance
from school?
324
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,380
Kept wetting himself in assembly?
325
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:45,140
His mum used to turn up and
326
00:18:45,140 --> 00:18:47,700
Didn't he go into local government?
327
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,580
That's him. Anyway,
him and his mum were way too close.
328
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:55,500
You know what happened to them?
329
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:58,340
and stabbed her 20 times right
in the middle of Family Fortunes.
330
00:18:58,340 --> 00:19:01,020
Oh, the irony.
331
00:19:01,020 --> 00:19:03,780
Well, maybe just for one drink.
332
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:11,580
All right, Donna?
Are you busy tonight?
333
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:15,860
No, why? Are you taking
me out somewhere special? I am
indeed. We're going to baby-sit.
334
00:19:15,860 --> 00:19:17,300
Not Corinthian?
335
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:21,740
Oh, no, a delightful offspring
of Captain von Trapp.
336
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:25,140
Of course, Corinthian.
No. Absolutely no way.
337
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:27,140
But it's just a little baby.
338
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:28,660
I won't do it.
339
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:32,180
I won't baby-sit and nothing
you can say or do will make me.
340
00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:34,740
Are these new shoes?
341
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,940
Last pair, half price in the sale.
342
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:40,780
I had to batter a woman with
a casual slip-on to get those.
343
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:44,220
No more Clarks back to school
for me. Aren't they perfect?
344
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:46,540
Very nice.
345
00:19:46,540 --> 00:19:49,900
You either come baby-sitting with me
or the kitten heel gets it.
346
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:53,260
Not the shoes, not the shoes.
347
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:55,860
Eh, eh? Miaow.
348
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:58,300
What time do we start?
349
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,580
Hello there. Hello.
350
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,940
Have you been watching Top Gear?
351
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,420
No. Who are you?
I'm your new friend, Louise.
352
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:18,820
I'm going to infiltrate your
social circle and slowly
become your girlfriend.
353
00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:22,060
Aside from that being psychopathic,
354
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:23,820
I've only got eyes for Kelly.
355
00:20:23,820 --> 00:20:27,780
Stop staring at me
you beady little Scouser.
356
00:20:27,780 --> 00:20:33,660
She's heavenly. I don't understand,
I'm the heavenly one. God loves me.
357
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:36,460
How else would you explain
his generosity with my looks?
358
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:38,540
Sorry, I'm just not interested.
359
00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:41,220
Oh, this is hopeless.
We can still be friends though.
360
00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:44,020
Yes, a brand new friend.
361
00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:46,740
My mistake. No, we couldn't.
362
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:54,220
Right, let's get this over with.
Sooner you go out,
sooner you can come back.
363
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,980
Make sure you call me
if he starts to fret.
364
00:20:56,980 --> 00:21:00,620
If he goes pink, put that cream on.
If he goes purple, change his nappy.
365
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:03,500
If he goes blue,
slap him on the back.
366
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,900
There's a colour chart
with instruction.
367
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,940
Janet, stop, he won't do anything.
368
00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:10,300
He's just a dull little person.
369
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,660
He's not dull. Buckets are dull.
370
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:14,500
How dare you?!
371
00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:18,460
Ladies, don't fight, unless you're
naked and covered in mayonnaise.
372
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:20,820
Come on, I'm thirsty. OK.
373
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:25,260
And no smoking anywhere near him
and no mobile phones
near his brain either.
374
00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:26,900
Goodbye, bababababa.
375
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:29,180
Is mummy leaving you now?
Yes, she is.
376
00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:30,700
Yes, she is.
377
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:32,580
A-boo! Yes!
378
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:38,620
Thank God for that.
Right, do you fancy a vodka?
379
00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:41,220
I think we deserve a double,
no, a triple.
380
00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:44,260
And no alcohol.
381
00:21:44,260 --> 00:21:47,020
Love you, mummy loves you.
382
00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:53,420
I brought these to say, I love you.
383
00:21:53,420 --> 00:21:57,020
For God's sake,
will you just cock off.
384
00:21:57,020 --> 00:21:59,740
You, what's wrong with you?
385
00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:03,180
You turn me down then fall in
love with the woman who hates you.
386
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,500
You thick scummy loser.
387
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:07,420
What's your name again?
388
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,580
Louise and for God's sake, man,
have some respect.
389
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:14,140
The state of you turning up here
with your flummin' flowers
and sad face.
390
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:17,380
You're not fit enough to crawl on
your hands and knees on the floor.
391
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:22,540
What are you looking at?
392
00:22:22,540 --> 00:22:28,540
Carry on. I forgot to mention that
393
00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:30,740
Oh.
394
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,460
On your knees and heel.
395
00:22:34,660 --> 00:22:36,380
Good boy.
396
00:22:39,660 --> 00:22:41,900
Fine, Donna, as long as
everything's all right.
397
00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:43,940
I'll ring you later.
398
00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:49,820
Hi Donna, has anything happened?
399
00:22:49,820 --> 00:22:53,500
Janet, we've been out
for three minutes and 47 seconds.
400
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,540
I know it's been ages.
401
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,580
He's not even going
to know you've gone.
402
00:22:57,580 --> 00:22:58,820
Get that down your neck.
403
00:22:59,580 --> 00:23:02,700
I can't help but worry, Jonny.
I'm a mother now.
404
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:04,980
With motherly responsibilities
to my son.
405
00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:07,700
He's the only thing that
matters in the whole...
406
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:09,500
Beer.
407
00:23:25,460 --> 00:23:27,500
SHE BURPS
408
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:29,940
Would you care for another?
409
00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:33,100
Why, don't mind if I do.
410
00:23:35,460 --> 00:23:38,180
Who's got a lovely ickle mouth?
411
00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:41,780
Who's got lovely ickle eyes?
412
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:43,500
I have.
413
00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:45,300
Well, I have.
414
00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:48,540
Gaz, would you turn him off.
415
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:54,700
Baba. Baba. Pfft! Pfft!
416
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:03,660
Look, he's only 12 inches long.
417
00:24:03,660 --> 00:24:08,620
That is one foot for
every month you've been alive.
418
00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:14,060
That means by the time you're 21,
419
00:24:14,060 --> 00:24:17,460
you'll be seven miles tall.
420
00:24:20,780 --> 00:24:23,540
He's a giant! Shhhhh!
You'll start him off again.
421
00:24:23,540 --> 00:24:25,500
BABY CRIES
422
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:31,100
Leave it to me, I know how to quiet
babies. OK, Corinthian?
423
00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:32,140
Silencio!
424
00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:33,660
CRYING CONTINUES
425
00:24:35,180 --> 00:24:36,740
It worked for Harry Potter.
426
00:24:36,740 --> 00:24:40,340
You really haven't got a clue
have you? And I suppose you have.
427
00:24:40,340 --> 00:24:42,660
I've got two younger siblings.
428
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:46,900
OK, OK.
429
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:49,100
Listen to me, you little shit.
430
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:55,140
I hate you. I really hate you,
you moaning little bastard.
431
00:24:55,140 --> 00:24:57,060
Yes, I do.
432
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:58,620
I wish you'd never been born.
433
00:24:58,620 --> 00:24:59,820
You've ruined my life.
434
00:25:02,580 --> 00:25:04,020
Oh my God.
435
00:25:04,020 --> 00:25:05,540
What?
436
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:08,900
He just smiled at me with his mouth.
437
00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:14,020
Did he?
438
00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:16,220
Janet's been waiting
for him to do that.
439
00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:22,140
I'm the first person in the whole
world that he's ever smiled at?
440
00:25:22,140 --> 00:25:24,780
Oh! Bababababa.
441
00:25:28,380 --> 00:25:31,620
Aren't you handsome?
442
00:25:31,620 --> 00:25:33,820
Don't say it too loud,
he gets jealous.
443
00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:38,500
This is great, isn't it?
444
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:42,620
Enjoying each other's company,
finally a bit of attention.
445
00:26:00,540 --> 00:26:02,780
Gaz, there's a hole
in his baby-grow.
446
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:04,380
Yes, it's where his head goes.
447
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:10,340
This rattle has an Oxfam sticker
on it. It's second hand. I didn't
448
00:26:10,340 --> 00:26:12,180
I told you.
449
00:26:12,180 --> 00:26:14,740
Hello, Gonna and Daz.
450
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:17,860
Hello, little Corinthian.
451
00:26:17,860 --> 00:26:20,580
He's drunk. Fart as a pissed.
452
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:22,860
No, I'm not, sit down.
453
00:26:22,860 --> 00:26:25,260
Oh, he's fast asleep.
454
00:26:25,260 --> 00:26:28,860
D'you want a little
drinky of beer, little baby?
455
00:26:28,860 --> 00:26:31,740
From my teats?
456
00:26:31,740 --> 00:26:35,660
Janet, I didn't mean what I said
457
00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:39,380
And your buckets aren't stupid.
458
00:26:42,780 --> 00:26:44,300
So, Janet...?
459
00:26:47,820 --> 00:26:49,820
Janet?
460
00:26:49,820 --> 00:26:52,100
Are you asleep?
461
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:53,620
Janet!
462
00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:57,660
I want you to have this.
463
00:26:57,660 --> 00:26:59,180
It's for Corinthian.
464
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:03,380
You sold our baby?
465
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,020
Come here and fight me.
466
00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:10,020
Listen! I didn't realise before.
467
00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:12,380
He's beautiful, a little miracle.
468
00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:15,220
He's just a bloody baby.
469
00:27:15,220 --> 00:27:18,540
OK, well come on, we'll get going.
470
00:27:18,540 --> 00:27:20,620
Janet, he smiled at me.
471
00:27:20,620 --> 00:27:23,220
He smiled?
472
00:27:23,220 --> 00:27:27,820
At you? Yep, a really big one, full
gums and everything, it was lovely.
473
00:27:28,860 --> 00:27:30,380
You bucket-headed bitch.
474
00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:38,100
I had a religious experience this
morning on the road to Widnes.
475
00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:41,780
I never tell you this,
but I love you very, very much.
476
00:27:41,780 --> 00:27:44,140
Too late to save this little soul.
477
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:45,980
Look what I found.
478
00:27:48,820 --> 00:27:51,820
I don't know why you
have to shout at me.
479
00:27:51,820 --> 00:27:54,700
Who are you and what
have you done with Gaz?
480
00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:57,420
Janet? Janet!
36201
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