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1
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:57,020
.
2
00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:03,700
Janet's having your baby.
3
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,820
It likes me.
4
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,060
It wants to come out and meet me.
5
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:10,660
Yeah, I think it does.
6
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:13,380
Well, I can't wait to meet IT.
7
00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,620
If someone wants to kiss you...
8
00:01:15,620 --> 00:01:20,860
If they kiss me? It would have to
be someone who thought you were
9
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:22,620
I think I'm in labour.
10
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,060
What! How can you tell?
11
00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:27,300
Urgggh!
12
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,260
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
13
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:39,020
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
14
00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:45,220
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
15
00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:46,940
# Just think I'll wait a while
16
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,300
# I'll have pint of lager, please
17
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,420
# And a pack of flakeys #
18
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:03,460
Hot water, towels -
just like in the films.
19
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:06,740
What are you doing?
20
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:09,340
Nothing.
21
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:11,500
Sat in labour, swigging me beer.
22
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,540
That's devil's juice you're drinking,
you'll harm the foetus.
23
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:20,380
It's not a foetus, it's a baby now
and it'll be here in a bit.
24
00:02:20,380 --> 00:02:23,300
My gran drank Guinness
all through her pregnancy.
25
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,820
And you wonder why your mum
has such a small head?
26
00:02:27,140 --> 00:02:29,500
Come on, it won't
make any difference.
27
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,220
Hold on. Aren't you supposed
to be screaming,
28
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:35,780
saying, "You ain't coming near me
with that thing again, mister!"
29
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:39,300
It's only just started,
we've got hours. Come and sit down.
30
00:02:44,460 --> 00:02:46,420
You could have changed your pants.
31
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:53,620
If a bit of amniotic fluid turns
your stomach, what are you going
to be like when my perineum splits?
32
00:02:54,220 --> 00:02:56,300
Your what does what?!
33
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,020
Nothing.
34
00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:00,180
It'll be a delightful surprise.
35
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,100
So...
36
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:08,340
'spose we best phone the doctor.
37
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:10,140
Hm, s'pose.
38
00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:15,380
You seem a bit too calm, Janet.
I wanted a bit more drama.
39
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,980
Oh! Aaarrhh!
40
00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:23,180
Oh my God!
41
00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:25,860
It's like someone opened
an umbrella on me arse!
42
00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:29,700
Oh! Oh! Oh! Get an ambulance!
43
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:33,100
Oh, Mother, huffin', chuffin' hell,
Mother Jerusalem!
44
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:36,540
SHE PANTS
45
00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,500
It's always best
to stick to the rules, Janet.
46
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,980
Oh, Jonny, I'm really frightened.
47
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:45,700
It hurts, get an ambulance!
This is the worst pain!
48
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:46,740
Aaarrgghh!
49
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:48,940
No THIS is the worst pain!
50
00:03:48,940 --> 00:03:53,780
And it only gets worse!
Oh, yes, I'm the daddy, that's right.
51
00:03:53,780 --> 00:03:57,300
I'm here. Now...PUSH!
52
00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:08,980
Oooh!
53
00:04:08,980 --> 00:04:11,020
What - orgasm?
54
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,580
Don't be perverse,
I never have one of those.
55
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:23,500
It was when I put my money
in the charity box
I felt all warm and fuzzy and...
56
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,660
Definitely an orgasm...
57
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:27,380
No it wasn't, you sick bird!
58
00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,300
Oooh!
59
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:39,980
Who knew that doing good things could
be so fulfilling! Right, I'm off.
60
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,860
Off to find people who need
good things doing for them.
61
00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:46,220
The sick, the hungry
and the pointless...
62
00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:52,100
Oh! Oh, oh, oh...
63
00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:59,340
I told the doctor how long you'd
been in labour and he said
you'd be fine, I quote,
64
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,820
"For ages, like."
65
00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:03,740
Cup of tea?
66
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:05,300
Jonny, I am not fine.
67
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:08,020
The baby is coming out
I need to get to hospital now!
68
00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:09,620
Yeah, he said you'd say that.
69
00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:12,500
Look, Jonny, I know my own body.
70
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,380
I need painkillers and ice
and crisp white sheets
71
00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,060
to ruin with placenta flab.
72
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,500
Yeah, he said you'd say that.
73
00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:23,660
Argh! Oh, I'm dying!
74
00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,420
I'm dying, I'm about to die!
75
00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:28,220
Fuck...Jonny, help,
76
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,940
the baby is trying to kill me!
77
00:05:32,180 --> 00:05:35,540
Hm... No, he didn't say
you'd say that.
78
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:38,700
I'll phone Gaz.
He can bring the hoist.
79
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:40,980
Oh!
80
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:44,980
I'm glad we're mates again, Gaz.
81
00:05:44,980 --> 00:05:46,620
It was hard work avoiding you.
82
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:50,060
I'm glad there's no rampant
sexual undercurrent between us
83
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:54,780
threatening to spill over and turn us
into unbridled, raging shag gorillas.
84
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:59,420
Yep, perfectly able to keep
our hands of each other.
Perfectly, check this out.
85
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,140
I've been practising on a fire.
86
00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:09,460
PHONE RINGS
87
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:19,900
Who's that? It was just some girl
88
00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:21,620
Oh, what is she like?
89
00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:24,940
Complete opposite of you actually.
90
00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:26,980
Yeah, straight, white blonde hair,
91
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:28,420
really, really tall,
92
00:06:28,420 --> 00:06:30,500
grossly overweight -
93
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:31,860
opposite...
94
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:35,020
She sounds...like a Viking.
95
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:38,820
So what's her name?
96
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:43,260
Jonny.
97
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,260
Short for Jonathine.
98
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:51,220
Why!?
99
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:52,820
That's most unusual.
100
00:06:52,820 --> 00:06:54,540
You're just jealous.
101
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:59,580
No I'm not, why would I be
when you sacked Jonathine off
to sit here with me?
102
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,380
I didn't sack her off.
103
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,940
I'm just playing hard to get.
104
00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:06,700
You're just a prawn in
me intricate game of Ludo.
105
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:08,740
I think you should phone her.
106
00:07:08,740 --> 00:07:09,980
OK.
107
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,900
Go on then.
108
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,500
'Hiya, LEAVE A MESSAGE!'
109
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,500
Yeah, hi Jonny...thine.
110
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:27,380
Sorry I missed your call, babes,
111
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:30,860
it's all a bit crazy
down here in sex town.
112
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:33,420
Anyway, I'll catch you later.
113
00:07:38,620 --> 00:07:39,780
Love you.
114
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:45,140
Phone Donna then, phone anyone!
115
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:48,100
I'm trying, my phone's
out of credit.
116
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,740
Damn you, Pay As You Go!
117
00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:54,820
Damn you, expensive polyphonic
ring tones of the latest
Top Ten chart hits!
118
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,700
Oh, answer phone...
119
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:01,660
'Yeah, hi, Jonny...'
It's Gaz. '...thine.
120
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,580
'Sorry I missed your call,
babes,
121
00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:07,300
'but it's all a bit crazy
down here in sex town.
122
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:11,140
'Anyway, I'll catch you later.'
123
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,460
Yeah, I won't be seeing much
of Gaz anymore.
124
00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:27,540
Look, Jonny, if you care about
me and this baby you will
get us to a hospital NOW!
125
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:29,420
But the doctor said not to.
126
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:33,420
He's an authority figure.
They intimidate me.
You know what I'm like.
127
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:36,820
It all started with that lollipop
man, the one I tried to lick.
128
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,460
I SAID phone an AMBULANCE!
129
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:46,460
Look, are you sure
it's that bad? What?
130
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:49,380
Jonny, please! I'm scared,
I don't know what to do!
131
00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:52,820
You'll be brilliant, they'll give
you drugs, it'll be like a rave.
132
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:57,540
How the hell does a baby's head
come out of something so small?
133
00:08:57,540 --> 00:09:00,140
Small? You think a lot of yourself,
don't you?
134
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,780
Just PHONE the the ambulance, Jonny!
135
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:10,340
It can't hurt that much.
You're exaggerating. Oh really?
136
00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:12,860
Yeah, nothing hurts that much.
137
00:09:12,860 --> 00:09:16,300
You know, I've always thought
you women put it on a bit really.
138
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,460
I mean, how would we ever find out?
139
00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:20,940
Trust me, Jonny,
this actually hurts!
140
00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:24,140
Look, I beg to differ. You've
never been kicked in the balls.
141
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:26,300
Nothing could be more
painful than that.
142
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,340
It knocks you sick, it makes
your whole abdomen just...
143
00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,460
Ambulance, please.
144
00:09:40,620 --> 00:09:42,820
Who was that?
145
00:09:42,820 --> 00:09:45,220
Er...someone I've been seeing -
146
00:09:45,220 --> 00:09:46,780
Dave.
147
00:09:46,780 --> 00:09:48,940
He's the complete opposite to you.
148
00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:55,180
He never works out and he smokes
shed-loads and he's...
149
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:56,420
a bit ugly.
150
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:59,780
Sounds like quite a catch.
151
00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:03,660
I was meant to be meeting him,
but I too am playing hard to get.
152
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:06,420
So you should.
Any man would be lucky to have you.
153
00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,460
Thanks, Gaz.
154
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:10,260
But hey, you know, except me.
155
00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:16,180
Because my life without you has
just been so full of naked ladies.
156
00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:19,180
Really, that's great, good for you.
157
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:22,980
One after the other,
each one more naked than the last.
158
00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:26,380
Fabulous, I'm just so happy
you've moved on.
159
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,260
D'you know what? What?
160
00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,420
We could help each other here.
161
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:34,100
You give me the woman side and I
give you the man side of things,
162
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,700
seeing as we're mates now.
163
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:40,660
I'll give you tips
from me legions of women.
Right, that would be marvellous.
164
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:43,260
And I can tell you where
you used to go wrong in bed.
165
00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:51,060
I very much beg your pardon?
166
00:10:56,260 --> 00:10:58,020
Uh! Oh!
167
00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:00,020
I can't even walk any more.
168
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:03,540
Are you sure you're not just drunk?
169
00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:10,060
Jonny, I need the ambulance
here now! I'm splitting in two!
170
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:14,140
They said they'll be here in
171
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:17,740
Go and find someone who can take us,
go on. Someone will be in the pub.
172
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:18,900
Good idea.
173
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,540
Don't leave me!
174
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:23,060
Janet, I can't be
in the pub AND here.
175
00:11:23,060 --> 00:11:26,860
Go and get me Jonny 2, then.
176
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,420
OK, fine.
177
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:31,260
But I don't want you
getting attached to him.
178
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:33,100
Why are you doing this to me?
179
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:45,900
OK?
180
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:48,660
I am now he's here.
181
00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:52,540
He is gone when the baby arrives!
His job is done.
182
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:55,220
Don't think I've not seen
the way you look at him.
183
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,860
Aaaaarghhh!
184
00:11:57,860 --> 00:11:59,660
Argh, argh, argh!
185
00:12:00,260 --> 00:12:03,740
That's a new one.
Janet, you stay here.
186
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:06,620
Jonny 2, watch it.
187
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,740
What exactly did I do wrong
in bed? Nothing specific.
188
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:17,860
I was just generally rubbish?
189
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,620
That's not what I'm saying.
You were fine.
190
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:24,780
Fine - linen is fine.
The weather is fine.
191
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:28,180
Actually, I got caught in some
drizzle. It's a bit like you in bed.
192
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,860
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
193
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:35,340
It's not the type of thing you say
to someone who's doing their best.
194
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,660
Sorry, love, can't feel a thing.
195
00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:41,180
If you couldn't feel a thing
then I think the problem's yours.
196
00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:45,020
Possibly you had some nerve
damage because I spent hours
197
00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:50,420
It's not that you didn't try.
I mean, you could go for hours.
198
00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:53,860
That's right!
On and on, and on, and on....
199
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:59,500
Anyway, I don't want to argue
about your failings as a lover.
200
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:03,100
I thought you'd appreciate it if I
told you where you're going wrong,
201
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,300
for the benefit
of your naked ladies.
202
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:06,820
I didn't want to offend you.
203
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,780
Oh, I'm sorry, am I being peculiar?
204
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:13,620
Usually, when you tell a man they're
no good in bed, they do a little jig.
205
00:13:13,740 --> 00:13:16,300
Have a go at me.
What did I used to do wrong?
206
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:19,180
Nothing. Nothing.
207
00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:21,340
No, you were perfect, Donna.
208
00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:23,900
Even my drunken blow jobs?
209
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,100
SHE GIGGLES
210
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,020
The ones with all the teeth...
211
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:33,860
Even those. Hey, but I was crap.
212
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,460
Isn't it nice being friends?
213
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:37,380
Come on, it's funny.
214
00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:38,900
Funny?
215
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,380
Funny is the elderly falling over.
216
00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:46,340
Funny is when rich people die.
217
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:49,220
Funny isn't pointing out flaws
in my sensitive areas.
218
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,740
Gaz? No, I don't thing we
should be friends, Donna. Come on!
219
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,140
I can't believe how much you've
hurt me.
220
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:58,540
I'm sorry to say,
but you're a total bitch.
221
00:13:58,540 --> 00:14:00,740
Gaz! I never want to see you again.
222
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:04,300
SIREN WAILS
223
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,340
GAZ!
224
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,620
Oh, don't mind if I do.
225
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,860
Hi. Oh, Louise, thank God.
226
00:14:24,860 --> 00:14:29,140
I'm having a baby. Yes,
227
00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:33,940
Look, do you mind if I go through
your home and take stuff? What, why?
228
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,460
I'm fund-raising.
229
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,660
It makes me feel warm.
230
00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:40,780
Oop!
231
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:45,220
Will you stop taking our stuff
and get me to hospital!
But I'm doing you a favour.
232
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,740
Look, nasty McFly album...
233
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:53,540
Sharp corners, baby eyes -
waaah, waaah!
234
00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:55,620
And look...
235
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:57,820
nasty, empty wheelchair.
236
00:14:57,820 --> 00:15:00,980
Making baby think that
disabled people can go invisible.
237
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:07,140
That's it, Jonny's old wheelchair.
238
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:10,020
I mean, what do you
as fully grown adults need with them?
239
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:13,140
Get me in that wheelchair.
You can wheel me to hospital.
240
00:15:13,140 --> 00:15:17,820
How can I get my warm fuzziness
if I can't raise funds
for random charities?
241
00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:22,820
Ah! Ow! You're hurting me. Just
be grateful you have no testicles.
242
00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:29,700
Why build a hospital on a hill?
So we can have jolly times
like this together, Louise.
243
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:33,380
I'm going to get a hernia. Oh,
I would kill for a bloody hernia.
244
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:36,500
Supposed to be doing a good deed
to make myself feel good,
245
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:40,260
instead I'm stuck here pushing
my friend in labour to the hospital.
246
00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:41,300
Oh!
247
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:45,140
Hey, I'm getting that warm
feeling again.
248
00:15:45,140 --> 00:15:48,140
Louise. Louise, quick! Janet?
249
00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:49,260
Louise! Ah! Janet!
250
00:15:49,260 --> 00:15:52,380
JANET SCREAMS
251
00:15:55,260 --> 00:15:56,500
Janet!
252
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,100
Janet!
253
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:01,540
JANET SCREAMS AND PANTS
254
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:02,740
Louise!
255
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:08,620
Argh! Argh!
256
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:12,500
Oooh!
257
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,020
LOUISE THUDS
258
00:16:20,740 --> 00:16:21,980
Oooh...
259
00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:31,940
Gaz, what's happened? He's been
run over by the paramedics.
260
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,620
You've robbed our ambulance.
261
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:36,620
Get out, this is meant for Janet.
What's up with Janet?
262
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:41,740
Oh, let me see. Well, she has a
slight head cold, a touch of the
263
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:43,540
Shouldn't somebody be with her?
264
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:49,700
Yes. What a smashing idea. What
about someone like the paramedics
and the father of the baby?
265
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,740
No, no you don't want me there.
266
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:55,940
What did he say?
267
00:16:55,940 --> 00:17:00,020
He said, mo, mo...
268
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,940
Something like that. No, he said...
269
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:05,100
He said... Jonny,
270
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:09,860
if I don't pull through...
271
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:12,860
raise him as if he was your own.
272
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,300
That's it. I'm never doing
a single kind thing again.
273
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,900
JANET GASPS
274
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:35,580
JANET SCREAMS
275
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,340
Slap!
276
00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:51,860
You can't hit him.
He's been run over.
277
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,620
Well, I would have gobbed Janet,
but she's vanished.
278
00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:56,860
Jonny, listen, what
Gaz said before...
279
00:17:56,860 --> 00:18:00,420
No, you listen. What Gaz said
before was right - it's obvious now.
280
00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:02,860
Janet had a one-night stand
nine months ago.
281
00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:04,860
You and Gaz split up.
282
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:09,060
You weren't talking to Janet
for ages and suddenly
everyone's being nice to me.
283
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:12,020
Jonny, what are you going to do?
284
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:20,300
I don't know. I know this is all
285
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:23,060
..possibly in the rain.
286
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,220
You can't throw everything away.
287
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:27,980
Why not? You found out Gaz cheated,
so you left.
288
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:30,340
I found out Janet's cheated,
so I'm leaving.
289
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:33,020
Janet didn't cheat,
you were with Kate.
290
00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:34,220
Oh, yeah...
291
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,620
She was fit!
292
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:42,820
As much as I hate
what they both did, I don't think
they got anything out of it.
293
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:44,380
Except a baby.
294
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:47,940
And this isn't the baby's fault,
is it? No.
295
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:50,660
No, I'd never take it out on him.
296
00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:53,060
But I want nothing to do
with that harlot!
297
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:55,020
So, what are you doing here?
298
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:59,700
Well, I came primarily to slap Gaz.
299
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,380
And to...deliver divorce papers.
300
00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:07,060
They're in my pocket....
301
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:12,020
..of my other jacket.
302
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,060
Rusks...
303
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:18,260
I love these things.
304
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:21,740
Can't wait till the baby's teething.
305
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:25,180
We'll stay up all night
having rusk-sucking competitions.
306
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,780
And Janet'll tell us off
for making too much noise
307
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:31,700
and I'm going to say,
"We don't need this crap, mo-fo."
308
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,980
And the baby's going
to tell her to F-off.
309
00:19:33,980 --> 00:19:38,860
And then we'll high-five
and Janet will go, "Tut,"
310
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,420
and she'll say,
311
00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:46,020
"My boys," and she'll smile and...
312
00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:52,100
That's not going to happen any more,
is it?
313
00:19:56,420 --> 00:19:57,820
JANET GROWLS
314
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:04,700
JANET PANTS
315
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,100
Why couldn't I find anyone
that I could help?
316
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:12,380
Even here? Oh, Jesus Christ! Ah!
317
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:14,180
I know. I'll try A&E.
318
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:18,220
Get Jonny! I need Jonny! OK.
319
00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,820
If I see him I'll tell him you
said hi. Ciao.
320
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:23,940
JANET SCREAMS
321
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:30,260
Will he be OK? Yeah.
322
00:20:30,260 --> 00:20:33,220
Free to wander the streets
looking for naked ladies.
323
00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:35,980
He never did that, ever.
324
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:38,380
He's wanked himself off blind
since you left.
325
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:40,780
I should know.
326
00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:47,660
I don't know why I should know,
but creepily I do.
327
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:51,940
All right,
are you telling me he's not had
328
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,020
No. He only wants you, Donna.
329
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:55,820
Has he said anything about me?
330
00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:57,980
He never stops saying
things about you.
331
00:20:57,980 --> 00:21:00,900
"Donna did this, Donna did that."
332
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:02,380
He never specifies what,
333
00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:05,740
but it's nice to know
you're doing this and that.
334
00:21:06,900 --> 00:21:10,860
Would you forgive Janet
for what she's done? Never.
335
00:21:10,860 --> 00:21:14,100
Not even if she was hit on the head
by the emergency services.
336
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:18,140
Not even if she begged
in that special way she does -
337
00:21:18,140 --> 00:21:21,580
on her knees, proffering an
assortment of biscuits and beer.
338
00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:23,220
Not even if she would...
339
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:25,780
Oh, Jonny, Janet's asking for you.
340
00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:26,900
Janet!
341
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:31,260
Hi, Donna. Hi, Gaz.
342
00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:36,340
What are you doing here? It's
terrible. There's been an accident.
343
00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:38,580
Oh, that's great.
344
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:41,220
Would you like to make a donation?
Get out!
345
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:44,420
I get a cold feeling from you.
346
00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:47,420
Are you awake?
347
00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:54,500
Gaz, I'm really sorry
what I said before.
348
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:59,700
I didn't mean it.
It's just, when you started going on
about your stupid new women,
349
00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:04,540
I just wanted to hurt you and
then the ambulance did that for me.
350
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:07,660
I'm just so glad you have
such a very small brain.
351
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:14,140
Bloody bastard...
352
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:15,300
I mean, look at you.
353
00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:17,940
I mean, you're not...
354
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:20,980
You shouldn't be what I want.
355
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:23,860
You can't spell.
356
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:28,660
You prefer Ministry of Mayhem
to Dick and Dom.
357
00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:33,260
I love you.
358
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:38,420
Oh!
359
00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:41,860
Gaz, are you OK?
360
00:22:43,380 --> 00:22:46,580
No, not really. Are you?
361
00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:48,340
No.
362
00:22:50,460 --> 00:22:51,980
I heard what you said.
363
00:22:51,980 --> 00:22:56,460
I thought you were knocked out.
I thought you were concussed.
364
00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:58,700
I am concussed.
I could hear you double.
365
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:01,980
Sorry.
366
00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:05,780
I need to tell you something.
367
00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:08,820
There was no Jonathine.
368
00:23:11,460 --> 00:23:13,140
Shocker!
369
00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:16,980
So where does this leave us?
370
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,500
I don't know.
371
00:23:22,540 --> 00:23:24,540
I quite like it here though.
372
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:26,980
Yeah, me too.
373
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:33,980
Do these curtains draw round?
I'm on it!
374
00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:46,780
Did I miss it?
375
00:23:46,780 --> 00:23:48,140
No, you were there.
376
00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:52,300
Did I make a fool of myself?
377
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,940
No...
378
00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:55,500
You were very brave.
379
00:23:57,460 --> 00:23:58,700
Am I thin again?
380
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:02,660
No, you're still pretty fat.
381
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:07,620
Where is he? Here in the cot.
382
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,660
BABY GURGLES
383
00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:15,460
Can you pick him up?
384
00:24:15,460 --> 00:24:17,780
I don't know. I haven't asked him.
385
00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:21,300
Who does he look like?
386
00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:30,020
Gaz.
387
00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:32,900
What?
388
00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:36,220
What are you talking about?
389
00:24:36,220 --> 00:24:38,540
It's Gaz's baby, Janet.
390
00:24:38,540 --> 00:24:40,420
You shagged Gaz.
391
00:24:42,060 --> 00:24:44,260
I'm hallucinating.
392
00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:48,420
This is a nightmare brought on by
393
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:50,260
Janet, if you were hallucinating,
394
00:24:50,260 --> 00:24:54,660
I'd be wearing a thong and grappling
with a centurion, like last time.
395
00:24:55,580 --> 00:24:57,860
I'm so tired, Jonny.
396
00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:00,220
Would you lie here? I just...
397
00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:01,740
can't keep my eyes...
398
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:19,780
Now listen here, Sonny Jim -
399
00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:22,900
you don't like me
and I don't like you.
400
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:24,900
But...
401
00:25:27,140 --> 00:25:29,780
Shh... Shh...
402
00:25:31,180 --> 00:25:33,820
BABY CONTINUES TO CRY
403
00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:38,900
# Thundercats are on the move
Thundercats are loose. #
404
00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:47,380
Yeah, that was my favourite lullaby
as well.
405
00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:05,180
You don't look that much
like Gaz, you know.
406
00:26:06,540 --> 00:26:09,220
And you've got Janet's nose...
407
00:26:11,220 --> 00:26:13,140
..and Janet's chin.
408
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:14,620
Oh...
409
00:26:14,620 --> 00:26:18,020
and little bits of Janet's
womb stuck to your forehead.
410
00:26:24,980 --> 00:26:26,740
New baby smell...
411
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,060
It smells of...
412
00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:35,540
..biscuits!
413
00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:41,060
That's the unmistakable aroma
of a 1992 Jammie Dodger.
414
00:26:43,380 --> 00:26:45,260
Hah, do you like biscuits?
415
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:48,620
Do you like football?
416
00:26:50,540 --> 00:26:56,300
What about beer? Oh, I'm going
to take that snot bubble as a yes.
417
00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,580
You're so pretty.
418
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:13,980
Like a little version of Janet,
419
00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:15,580
but you've got my...
420
00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:20,380
They're my eyes!
421
00:27:23,060 --> 00:27:26,100
And they're my hands,
although iddy-widdy
422
00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:32,660
And they're my feet.
I wear socks like that.
423
00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:37,420
Ah, and that's my...
424
00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:43,060
That's my family.
425
00:27:44,820 --> 00:27:47,220
Who's the daddy?!
426
00:27:51,260 --> 00:27:54,140
Oh, shit. Sorry, mate. Shh...
427
00:27:55,940 --> 00:27:57,700
Jonny...
428
00:27:57,700 --> 00:27:59,100
Please don't go.
31466
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