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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:03,420
I want to marry you. Let's do it.
2
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,180
This could be the happiest day
of my life.
3
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:07,820
I got community service.
4
00:00:07,820 --> 00:00:10,020
I now pronounce you me wife.
5
00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:15,740
Ever since you shagged my best
friend and got her up the duff,
6
00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:20,020
to spend the rest of my life
than with a bastard like you.
7
00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,260
Jonny?
8
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:09,220
This book says I'm supposed to
have developed a nesting instinct.
9
00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:11,300
I'm supposed to be
all clean and anal.
10
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:14,260
Anal, you say?
11
00:01:14,260 --> 00:01:18,100
You've already tried that one,
Jonny, and I've already told you -
12
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:22,460
the baby won't bite your bell end
if you use the correct channels.
13
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:27,980
Ever since I've been on maternity
leave, all I seem to do is waddle
14
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:29,500
Ooh, crisps!
15
00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:36,740
It's getting really annoying
having you about all the time.
16
00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:40,380
Why? Is my blossoming womanhood
driving you to distraction?
17
00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:43,780
Yeah, cos you're really fit
at the minute, Janet(!)
18
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:46,300
It's just I had my routine
when it was just me.
19
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:50,180
Get up...fiddle...potter...
20
00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:51,940
dabble...
21
00:01:51,940 --> 00:01:53,580
fidget...
22
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:56,580
tinker...then bed.
23
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,220
Get a job, then.
24
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:04,900
And if I haven't developed a
nesting instinct, maybe YOU should.
25
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,340
Clean the place up a bit.
26
00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:13,900
OK, now it's me.
27
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:17,860
Page 32 of Bucket World Quarterly!
28
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:23,780
"Donna Penshaw, our new executive
salesperson, 2 to 5 litre division"!
29
00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:27,500
It's a trade publication, but I can
pull strings and get you a copy.
30
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:31,500
Page 32, that's so glam!
31
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:35,900
I've got to shift 4,000 buckets
by the end of the week.
32
00:02:35,900 --> 00:02:39,060
So how many have you sold so far?
33
00:02:39,060 --> 00:02:41,500
Three.
34
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:46,420
Technically, one was a sample. And
two I just wore as shoes for a laugh.
35
00:02:46,420 --> 00:02:51,260
It's a very high-pressure job, but
I'm seeing a client in Bury today
36
00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:53,700
who, I believe,
has a very leaky roof.
37
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:59,060
You don't need to tell
me about pressure.
My community service is diabolical.
38
00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:02,620
Five little chavettes
and all the work's outside.
39
00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:07,980
And January's so cold!
I'd rather have gone to prison.
40
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:11,620
At least in prison they have central
heating and lesbians to tease.
41
00:03:13,180 --> 00:03:15,420
So it's hard work, then?
42
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:18,900
It's not the work that's hard,
it's the kiddies.
43
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,620
Sometimes I get the impression
they don't like me.
44
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:25,940
You know, like when I get them
to pick up dog mess or bow
as I enter the room.
45
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:32,300
Donna, when you see Gaz, can you
46
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,860
And, actually, I'm a lot hairier.
47
00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:41,220
I won't because I won't see Gaz.
I haven't seen him for ages.
Not since the wedding.
48
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:45,220
In fact, I've barely thought about
him since I became a career bitch.
49
00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:50,780
It's good that you're concentrating
on your career, now that you'll
never have a husband or family.
50
00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:54,900
That'll be why Gaz is so depressed.
51
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,940
Gaz depressed?!
52
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:58,620
Gaz never gets depressed.
53
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:02,380
He doesn't understand the concept,
he thinks Van Gogh was putting it on.
54
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:04,180
It's funny, really.
55
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:06,340
What's funny? Depression.
56
00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:10,740
Can't help laughing at it.
That's why I became a barmaid.
57
00:04:10,740 --> 00:04:16,580
"Oh, boo-hoo!
It's the ninth anniversary
of me wife's death." Ha! Funny, men.
58
00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:05,820
MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO
59
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:11,980
VOICE ON TAPE: 'You can achieve
anything you want in your career
60
00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:13,500
You're not wrong there.
61
00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:20,020
'Just visualise succeeding.'
62
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,980
Visualise. Visualise.
63
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:27,740
CRUNCH!
64
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:36,860
Oh, yeah! Look what you've done!
65
00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:40,900
This is my company car! They'll
kill me. This'll take ages to....
66
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:43,420
Oh, my God, you're Gaz!
67
00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:49,900
Donna, you look amazing.
68
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:53,340
Gaz, you look...
69
00:05:53,340 --> 00:05:55,100
healthy.
70
00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:59,140
Since when did YOU drive
such a fancy car?
71
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:02,740
Well, I...
What have you done to yourself?
72
00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:07,100
You've... What's the word?
73
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:10,140
Supersized.
74
00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:14,500
So what are you going to do
about this damage?
Your insurance will cover it.
75
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,140
MY insurance?!
76
00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:18,500
This is your fat...er, fault.
77
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,020
It's your fault, you're the woman!
78
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:26,300
I can't believe what's happened.
It's horrible.
79
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,780
It's only a bump,
I can fix it easily.
80
00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:30,980
I'm not talking about the car.
81
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:43,140
You wouldn't believe the power
I have over the young Janet.
82
00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:46,980
I'm like Fern Cotton,
only in human form.
83
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:49,260
GIRLS LAUGH
84
00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:51,940
Stop that, girls! Stop it!
85
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,500
Stop it!
86
00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,820
Er, I'll call you back.
87
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:04,580
Get her! Ahhh!
88
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:11,180
So, what job do you think
you'd be good at?
89
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,860
I think I'd be good with children.
90
00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:15,940
You'd be useless with children.
You've never even held a baby.
91
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:20,420
Oh, what a lovely sentiment
to express to a father-to-be(!)
92
00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:22,620
Our baby doesn't count.
93
00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:26,380
What a lovely sentiment
to express from a mother-to-be(!)
94
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:30,700
They'll cut my wages
halfway through maternity.
We need to think about this now.
95
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,660
OK, fine. We'll buy
the Jobs Pages on the way home.
96
00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:38,180
No! Don't make me go back
to that rancid pool of filth.
97
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:39,740
It's your mess, Janet.
98
00:07:39,740 --> 00:07:43,020
Look, Kelly manages to tidy
an entire pub. It's easy.
99
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,140
I hate my life!
100
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:47,020
Easy-peasy.
101
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:50,380
What's the matter, Kelly?
Pot man's taken leave.
102
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:53,820
His bloody wife
went and died on him.
103
00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:56,740
He'll be so depressed!
104
00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:59,940
There's a job going begging,
ask her.
105
00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:05,660
Kelly,
can Jonny have the pot man's job?
106
00:08:05,660 --> 00:08:09,100
Well, I'll have to check with Norma,
but I reckon so.
107
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:12,780
You'll have to do some serving
as well, cleaning and cellar work.
108
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,420
Wheels...
109
00:08:23,780 --> 00:08:26,500
four.
110
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,100
Windscreen...
111
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:31,180
that's present.
112
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:34,100
Bonnet.
113
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:36,540
Steering wheel...
114
00:08:36,540 --> 00:08:38,180
that's round.
115
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,700
Gaz, I don't have time for this.
116
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:45,220
I've got to sell 4,000 buckets
by the end of the week
or I lose my very important job.
117
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:50,060
We've loads of catching up to do.
No, we haven't.
I have a new job and you...
118
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:54,620
appear to have spent the last five
months inhaling butter.
119
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,540
I might have filled out a bit
but that's your doing. How?
120
00:08:57,540 --> 00:09:00,740
I'm not getting the exercise
I used to get shagging you.
121
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:05,940
Movement of entire body
verses movement of right arm.
It's simple maths, Donna.
122
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,420
But surely masturbation
must burn up some calories?
123
00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:12,220
When you first left,
I just couldn't be bothered.
124
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:15,340
Now I just can't reach.
125
00:09:16,620 --> 00:09:18,700
Can you do the repairs or not?
126
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,660
Yeah, it's not too bad.
127
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:22,540
I can do it in an hour.
128
00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:24,700
On one condition.
129
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,420
You must be joking.
130
00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:27,980
Go on.
131
00:09:27,980 --> 00:09:29,620
It'll be like old times.
132
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:31,340
No, it won't.
133
00:09:31,340 --> 00:09:34,660
I never had to worry about being
crushed to death in the past.
134
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:40,260
What happened? Did you get so
lonely that you actually ate
your entire porn collection?
135
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,860
You didn't?!
136
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:46,660
Only the ones I'd spilt food on.
137
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:53,420
I'll be back in one hour. I expect
the repairs to be done, got it?
138
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,460
Doesn't know what she's missing.
139
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,180
Oh, God, Munch, are you OK?
140
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,500
I saw Jesus!
141
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:25,220
Oo-ee! Baba, wake up.
142
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,780
I've tidied up for you.
143
00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:32,060
Oh, Jonny!
144
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,580
Look what I've done.
145
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,860
Janet, you've tidied up!
You found your nesting instinct.
146
00:10:37,860 --> 00:10:39,540
Brilliant!
147
00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:44,220
And is that the heavenly scent of
forest lingering here and about?
148
00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:47,860
It most certainly is. I'm exhausted.
It's taken me ages...
149
00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:49,980
What the hell is that?
150
00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:56,260
I'm sorry, Jonny.
151
00:10:56,260 --> 00:10:59,180
It just seemed like the only option.
152
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:05,380
You say there's a place for
everything and everything in its
place. That seemed the best place.
153
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:07,220
Under the carpet?!
154
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:11,340
By the time Baba arrives,
it will have all mulched down.
155
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:16,060
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
156
00:11:35,660 --> 00:11:39,340
RINGING STOPS
157
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,980
Donna. What a lovely surprise.
158
00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:58,740
Is the Rascal ready? Of course.
159
00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:04,620
I also changed the oil,
checked the tyre pressure
and valeted the interior.
160
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:06,660
You didn't have to do that.
161
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:11,260
I did. After spending all afternoon
sniffing the driver's seat.
162
00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:13,220
Got a bit messy.
163
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:33,740
VOICE ON TAPE: 'You can achieve
anything you want in your career
164
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,500
'Just visualise...
165
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:40,340
'Gaz ..in your mind... Gaz.
166
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:43,300
'..within your reach.
Just grab hold...
167
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,020
'Gaz's knob.'
168
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:07,100
Gaz, you are an utter twat!
169
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,820
Have you only got to the air bag?
170
00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:14,860
If you press the screen wash,
it sprays Eternity,
Calvin Klein, directly at your face.
171
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,700
I just want my Bedford Rascal fixed.
172
00:13:17,700 --> 00:13:22,140
I'll never meet my sales
target in my very important job.
173
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:24,740
To cheer you up,
why don't I cook us some pasta?
174
00:13:24,740 --> 00:13:30,020
I've got a better idea. Why don't
I tie an anvil to your bollocks
175
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,740
I'm siding with the pasta.
176
00:13:32,740 --> 00:13:36,220
Now I'll never
sell 4,000 buckets,
177
00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:40,860
I'll lose my job
and a fat lot of fat you've been.
178
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:43,860
Oh, my God,
where did you get that pasta?
179
00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:52,740
There we go.
180
00:13:56,580 --> 00:14:00,100
Louise, can you pass us that
bacon from behind that cushion?
181
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:03,380
No! Get yourself a cleaner.
182
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,580
This just isn't healthy, Janet.
183
00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:09,780
We can't afford a cleaner.
I can't even afford toilet paper
at the moment.
184
00:14:09,780 --> 00:14:11,940
..That's it!
185
00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:16,900
That's brilliant.
You're impoverishment makes you
an ideal community project.
186
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:24,220
I could get my girls to come and
clean for you. An indoor job,
187
00:14:24,220 --> 00:14:27,380
No, I don't want them.
I'm the one who's supposed to do it.
188
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:31,780
I don't want anyone else doing
it for me. Come on, Janet,
you can't live like this.
189
00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:35,260
I mean, I didn't want to say but...
190
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:38,740
what in God's name is that stain?
191
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:42,380
Oh, that's where me and Jonny...
Ah!
192
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:44,220
What?
193
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:48,700
I was gonna say that's where we
spilt a pot of chocolate mousse. Oh.
194
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:52,940
Whilst violently shagging. Ugh!
195
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:58,420
Coming up, one Jonny in a glass.
196
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:18,020
SHAKER HITS FLOOR
197
00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:21,300
OK, one Jonny on the floor.
198
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:25,820
GLASS SMASHES
199
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,260
GLASS SMASHES
200
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:33,540
GLASS SMASHES
201
00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:35,820
Um...I'm making cocktails.
202
00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:37,460
Like in that Tom Cruise film.
203
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:40,260
Days Of Thunder?
I don't remember that bit.
204
00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:45,060
Can you just clean up this mess,
please, Jonny? I most certainly can.
205
00:15:45,060 --> 00:15:51,420
Who'd have thought it of me?
A husband, father, breadwinner
and now cleaning up glass!
206
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:55,500
I must be the luckiest man alive.
Yes, we truly are God's
chosen people(!)
207
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:58,300
I meant to ask you,
what do we do about tips?
208
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,900
We don't get them. We must do.
209
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:05,100
I've seen pubs on the telly. "There
you go, duck." "Cheers, duck."
210
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:08,860
That can't be just duck-related
211
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:11,860
Later on. I get so giddy, pay day.
212
00:16:11,860 --> 00:16:13,420
I'm so excited.
213
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:15,260
I could just kick a puppy!
214
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,820
Here's Fat Gaz.
I'll get the reinforced stool.
215
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:29,140
All right, Fat Gaz?
216
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:32,340
All right.
217
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:36,940
Oh, oh...! No, we're not
playing Laurel and Hardy again.
218
00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:43,540
STOOL SQUEAKS
219
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:46,060
The usual? Yeah.
220
00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:50,660
It's Donna. I've done everything
221
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:54,620
I wish I could help you,
my round friend, I really do.
222
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:57,660
Shouldn't there be
a glass under that beer?
223
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,340
Yes, there should.
224
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,620
She's changed so much. I'm exactly
the same as I always was.
225
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:10,460
Only very, very fat.
226
00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:14,820
If you want Donna back,
just give her what she needs.
227
00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:17,500
She needs a good squashing,
if you ask me.
228
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,260
She's so uptight.
229
00:17:19,260 --> 00:17:22,540
If she's tense
ask her about her problems,
230
00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:27,220
then pretend to listen whilst
furtively looking at her breasts.
231
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,860
Then start to cry, but not
so much it looks like you're gay.
232
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:32,540
Women love all that.
233
00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:35,500
I need to think.
What would I want in her situation?
234
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,700
A pie.
235
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:46,580
No, her career is everything to her.
Maybe there's a way I could help
with that. That would impress her.
236
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:49,620
Or... What? Well...
237
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:54,460
I'D be impressed if you got someone
to fire a cannon at your huge girth
238
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:58,500
and then absorbed the shock.
Woo-oh, woo-oh!
239
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:04,980
Jonny... Yeah? ..you've still
not turned that tap off.
240
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:18,140
DOOR OPENS
241
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,340
Hello. Guess what?
242
00:18:21,340 --> 00:18:24,420
Supervisor says
I have met might my sales target.
243
00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:27,700
I've sold 4,000 buckets,
I'm a brilliant businesswoman!
244
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:31,260
Take that, Anita Roddick,
you poodle-headed hippy!
245
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:35,060
Guess what? I think
I'm getting my nesting instinct.
246
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:38,620
I think I wanna wash some...
Ooh. Sorry, it was just wind.
247
00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:41,660
DOORBELL
248
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:45,260
Halt! Await my command.
249
00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:50,820
Single file. Follow my le-e-e-ead.
250
00:18:50,820 --> 00:18:53,220
And halt!
251
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:54,900
At ease.
252
00:18:56,740 --> 00:18:59,860
Hello, Janet. Donna.
253
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:03,220
These are my scabby minions.
254
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:07,940
Right, I'm off to collect my car
and give Fat Gaz a piece of my mind.
255
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,860
Thank God you said it.
256
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:13,060
I've been calling him
Fat Gaz inside my head for months.
257
00:19:14,260 --> 00:19:17,060
Louise, I really don't need this.
258
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:19,420
I'm perfectly capable
of tidying up myself.
259
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,900
I just haven't had the urge yet.
260
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,220
You're worse than them
with your moaning.
261
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:27,340
And, yes, I mean YOU, Kylie Phoenix.
262
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:30,180
Why don't you go
for a lovely lie down
263
00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:33,340
and take the weight
off those enormous ankles of yours?
264
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,900
Here, wages.
265
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:42,420
Ooh, ooh!
266
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:47,020
57 quid?
267
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,420
I think I've been overpaid.
268
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:55,140
Do I take the moral high ground
or the Jonny low ground?
269
00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:59,220
Hold on. I don't get 57 quid
for two shifts - and I'm shagging
Norma's husband!
270
00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:01,420
..Let me see that.
271
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:03,740
Maybe I'm just an incredible barman.
272
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:06,900
An example of goodness,
honesty and excellent service.
273
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,420
This is minus 57 quid.
274
00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:12,180
You what?
Let me have a look at that.
275
00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:16,500
"For breakages, spillages
and general Jonniness."
276
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,100
I can't afford 57 quid.
277
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,780
This is so depressing.
278
00:20:20,780 --> 00:20:23,500
Yeah, it is, innit? Ha!
279
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:28,420
Is there any way I can recoup my
losses? Norma's husband's upstairs.
280
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:34,380
Maybe I could glue all the bits
together and suck the waste
back into the pipes.
281
00:20:34,380 --> 00:20:36,540
No, he's not into kinky stuff.
282
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,940
Please.
283
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:45,300
Just do some work.
284
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,140
I got you an inside job, didn't I?
285
00:20:51,140 --> 00:20:53,820
Come on, this is meant to be fun.
286
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,260
Oh, shut up, Dwarfy!
287
00:20:57,980 --> 00:21:01,420
I can't help it
288
00:21:01,420 --> 00:21:04,140
I eat organic wholesome produce.
289
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:10,460
The hormone-filled Netto fare you
shove down your gullet is obviously
giving you a freakish growth spurt.
290
00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:13,500
I'm bored. This place is a shit tip.
291
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:15,900
You wouldn't be bored
if you were cleaning.
292
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:20,620
Come on. Janet will see
all you've done is drink her lager
and smoke her fags.
293
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:26,340
I fancy a pizza. Will you go
dig one out the bin for us?
294
00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:31,380
No, I'm not digging food
out of a bin like an urban fox.
295
00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:34,460
Although I am a bit of an urban fox.
296
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:38,140
Look, it's disgusting in here.
297
00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,740
There's nothing wrong with it.
It's great.
298
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:43,180
Aside from Dwarfy being here.
299
00:21:43,180 --> 00:21:47,260
My name is not Dwarfy.
Shut up, Dwarfy.
300
00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:50,140
Do you really think it's OK?
301
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:55,820
It's just like your mam's. That
was before she gotten taken off
302
00:21:55,820 --> 00:21:59,700
Take one kid off her, nine months
later she whacks out another one.
303
00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:03,340
Hey, YOU'LL be able to do that
when they take your kid off you.
304
00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:06,060
When they take my...?
305
00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:08,900
I need to clean. You can leave now.
306
00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:13,220
But WE were...! Come on, Dwarfy.
We'll buy you a Bacardi Breezer.
307
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:15,500
You'll buy me?!
308
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:18,500
So you like me? You finally like me?
309
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,420
If you like. Plus
310
00:22:24,980 --> 00:22:26,580
Right.
311
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:29,420
I'm going to clean my home
with gusto.
312
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:31,540
And Dettol.
313
00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:39,380
Better be ready this time, Gaz.
314
00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:41,180
She is.
315
00:22:41,180 --> 00:22:45,060
She's ready for you to get on
with...whatever your little job is.
316
00:22:45,060 --> 00:22:46,980
My little...?
317
00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:51,380
For your information, I've already
met my sales target without the car.
318
00:22:51,380 --> 00:22:54,100
Oh, really. How did you do that?
319
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:59,220
I proactively identified key growth
areas, devised a five-point strategy
320
00:22:59,220 --> 00:23:03,220
and satisfied the demand therein.
So, nerr!
321
00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:08,140
Really? It's not because a certain
ace bloke did a brilliant thing?
322
00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:09,620
What?
323
00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:15,940
Da-da!
324
00:23:15,940 --> 00:23:17,940
It was ME! I bought the lot.
325
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:22,820
So I'm not
a brilliant businesswoman?
326
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,940
Of course not. You're rubbish!
327
00:23:27,460 --> 00:23:31,100
I have bailed you out.
328
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:34,020
This totally undermines
everything I've...
329
00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:35,740
How could you, Gaz?
330
00:23:35,740 --> 00:23:42,060
I proactively identified key
growth areas, devised a five-point
strategy based on market trends...
331
00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:45,060
Gaz, this is never going to happen.
332
00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:50,780
I only liked you in the first
place cos of what you looked like.
Now you're a fat wanker - no chance!
333
00:23:57,820 --> 00:24:00,420
Nothing's says "nesting"
like a good doily.
334
00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:06,300
Right, now to tackle
the dining area.
335
00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:08,740
DOOR OPENS
336
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:11,820
Jonny, look, it finally happened.
337
00:24:11,820 --> 00:24:15,540
I'm a proper mummy. I'm
in the process of creating a nest.
338
00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:18,900
Look...a doily!
339
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:25,660
Oh, well done. I've done myself out
of my wages so if you wouldn't mind
helping us glue these back together.
340
00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:32,420
You'd have thought I'd have emptied
the ashtrays before I broke them!
341
00:24:32,420 --> 00:24:35,900
Silly me. Come on, then.
342
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:37,420
My doily!
343
00:24:41,260 --> 00:24:43,340
What am I gonna do, Munch?
344
00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:46,300
The only way I can lose
the fat is by shagging.
345
00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:49,020
No-one will shag me
because I'm too fat.
346
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:50,700
It's one of them situations.
347
00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:52,820
What d'you call them? A shitter.
348
00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:58,500
That's it.
There's sports, though, isn't there?
349
00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:03,700
You can do a sport...like badminton
or ice hockey, darts.
350
00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:05,780
I'm too fat for darts.
351
00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:07,500
Those men are athletes.
352
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:11,340
OK, think about something
you enjoy doing.
353
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:14,180
You know, something
that makes you happy.
354
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:24,540
THEME FROM "ROCKY"
355
00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:52,860
Gaz, you're thin again.
356
00:26:52,860 --> 00:26:55,180
..Oh!
357
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:05,500
After three months of Gazturbation
I'm back in fighting shape.
358
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:08,700
Time, I think, to let Donna know
I'm back on the scene.
359
00:27:12,140 --> 00:27:13,900
Ow!
360
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:16,060
Can you dial for us?
361
00:27:16,060 --> 00:27:18,100
I've broke my wrist.
362
00:27:18,380 --> 00:27:22,820
I never wanna see his horribly
beautiful eyes ever again!
363
00:27:22,820 --> 00:27:28,820
# Ha-ee, hoo-hoo-oo
Wee-um-bum-ba-weh... #
364
00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:32,740
There's something wrong
with the baby. Eh?
365
00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:36,700
Why do you want this done?
Because Gaz is prettier than me.
366
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:39,540
I think it's... It's what?
367
00:27:39,540 --> 00:27:41,900
Janet, what's wrong?
28839
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