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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:04,300
Oh! You went out with Gaz!
That's me.
2
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:08,020
Till he shagged your best mate,
who's pregnant. Enough about me!
3
00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:12,180
Me and Donna were talking about
all the things we've both done. Oh.
4
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,620
Funny I should walk in then!
5
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:21,300
And I'm really pregnant,
and really getting married soon
and I really want you to be there.
6
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:23,140
Really? Really.
7
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:30,820
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
8
00:00:30,820 --> 00:00:34,460
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
9
00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:40,380
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
10
00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:42,180
# Just think I'll wait a while
11
00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:47,140
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
12
00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:49,980
# And a pack of flakeys. #
13
00:00:56,420 --> 00:00:59,260
Jonny, I like Fanny.
14
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:04,980
I see. Well, if that's how you feel,
I should pack my bags and leave.
15
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:07,220
I mean as a name for the baby.
16
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:10,860
No son of mine
is being called Fanny!
17
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:15,540
Says you! The man who wants
to call the baby Churchill!
Churchill's different!
18
00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:18,660
That dog's a national institution.
19
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:22,420
Maybe I'll ask the hen night girls
if they've got any ideas.
20
00:01:22,420 --> 00:01:25,940
You're not having a hen night!
Why not? You're having a stag night.
21
00:01:25,940 --> 00:01:31,380
Yes I am. The rowdiest,
most kickingest, most top-tastic
stag night in history!
22
00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:34,140
But I'm not with child. So what?
23
00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:37,900
You can have a little tea party
IF you stay in and have it here.
24
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:40,980
We're hens, Jonny!
You can't keep us cooped up!
25
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:43,420
You can keep hens cooped up!
26
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:46,540
You know why?
To protect their little eggs.
27
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:49,660
Stop tricking me
with farmyard metaphors, Jonny.
28
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:53,460
I just want to have a bit of fun
before the wedding!
29
00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:55,660
There's no point going out.
30
00:01:55,660 --> 00:02:00,660
You can't drink, can't smoke,
can't dance... Why does being
pregnant mean I can't dance?
31
00:02:00,660 --> 00:02:02,340
Who said it's cos you're pregnant?
32
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:07,140
Maybe I could stay in
and have a baby shower?
33
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:11,620
It's a party where you fool
stupid women into bringing
presents for the baby.
34
00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:15,140
What presents would
you give to a baby? Oh, I know!
35
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:18,220
Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
36
00:02:18,220 --> 00:02:19,940
You're so greedy, Jonny!
37
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,980
Always wanting myrrh.
38
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:30,420
Look at the present I've sorted out
for Friday.
39
00:02:30,420 --> 00:02:34,220
Oh! I thought you'd forgotten!
Forgotten...?
40
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:37,900
My court appearance! It's tradition
to buy the accused something.
41
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:41,740
Jewellery, something small in case
I need to smuggle it up my...
42
00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:45,300
Before you go further,
it's for Janet, for the wedding.
43
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:47,020
Ew!
44
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:48,860
You must really hate her!
45
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:53,980
No. We've made friends, and
she's sorry and I've forgiven her.
46
00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:59,660
What about my last night of freedom?
47
00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:59,660
for a crime I did not commit.
48
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:03,140
But you did commit it.
You had Jonny shot through the leg.
49
00:03:03,140 --> 00:03:06,420
Don't blind me
with your legal jargon.
50
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,900
You won't get sent to prison,
you'll get a fine.
51
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:11,340
It's got to be
the best night out ever -
52
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:15,740
booze, violence
and meaningless sexual activity.
53
00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:17,500
Ooh! That's not like you!
54
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:21,940
I know, but I've got to cram the
rest of my youth into that evening.
55
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:25,900
After the trial, there'll be no
more sexy young boys for a while.
56
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:33,180
So, fellow stags,
we start with a few pints here,
57
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,780
then go-karting,
a Ruby Murray and then a club.
58
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:41,060
Sounds good! Not forgetting
to embarrass and humiliate Jonny
at every given opportunity!
59
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:44,740
So we'll remind him of the time
he wet himself watching Gentle Ben!
60
00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:48,500
Yeah, or that time
he got savaged by that badger!
61
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:52,780
Oh, and the time he got run over
by that milk float and nearly died!
62
00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:55,660
And the time you shagged his missus!
63
00:03:56,660 --> 00:03:58,900
No, no, no!
64
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:04,620
How do you know that?
Everyone knows that, Gaz!
65
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,100
Jonny doesn't, keep that to
yourself, all right?
66
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,940
No chance after a couple of beers!
67
00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:12,900
It's bound to come out. We'll let
it slip, or make a little joke...
68
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:14,580
Or show him our T-shirts.
69
00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:21,980
It's subtle, like,
but I think he'll get it.
70
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:24,140
So go on, when is his stag night?
71
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:29,220
Dunno. Isn't finalised.
It's this Thursday.
72
00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:33,220
No, it isn't!
Yeah, it is, you booked the bar!
73
00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:35,380
No, I haven't!
74
00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:40,380
Lads, whenever the stag night is,
it's not this Thursday.
75
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:45,180
Don't come here this Thursday.
There'd be no point
in coming here this Thursday.
76
00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:47,100
It'd be a complete waste of time.
77
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:50,540
Gives us time to get the billboard
arranged. See you next week!
78
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:54,940
I'll cancel the booking then,
shall I?
79
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:59,500
No, it is this Thursday,
I just can't invite people
who know about me and Janet.
80
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,540
Well, everyone I talk to
seems to know!
81
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:06,340
I say, "Did you know about
that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"
82
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:09,220
If they say no,
me lips are sealed!
83
00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,780
Well, who told you?
84
00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:15,420
Munch. He said, "Did you know about
that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"
85
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:17,900
I said, "No."
He said, "My lips are sealed."
86
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,380
Which Janet's obviously weren't.
87
00:05:20,380 --> 00:05:23,940
Yes, well, could you please
not mention it to anyone else?
88
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:28,740
Mention what? About that Gaz
sleeping with that... Goose!
89
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:31,300
I made love to a goose.
90
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,820
I don't wanna talk about it.
91
00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:39,940
Right - stag night.
Are you gonna humiliate me?
92
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,260
Oh, yeah! Really?
Are you gonna make me cry?
93
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,180
We'll certainly do our best.
94
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:47,780
Just saw Lee and Ste,
are they coming?
95
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:51,100
They can't make it! They've...
96
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,740
they've gotta go to hospital.
97
00:05:53,740 --> 00:05:57,740
God, what for?
To have a testicle removed.
98
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:02,260
Both of them?!
99
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:06,380
Lee...is having it removed...
100
00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:09,900
and Ste's donating one
to replace it.
101
00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:15,300
Gaz,
I think you're planning something!
102
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,820
I could be!
103
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:22,700
Nothing too raucous, though!
104
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:22,700
but some are over the top.
105
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,940
Yeah... They go all the way,
take everything off, everything!
106
00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:29,980
They treat you like a sex-object,
it's obscene! Yeah, I know.
107
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,780
They rub their oily bodies
all over you,
108
00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:35,940
and thrust their greased nipples
in your face.
109
00:06:35,940 --> 00:06:38,780
It's disgusting! I agree, Jonny.
110
00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:41,580
I've got phone numbers
for really dirty ones.
111
00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:47,820
So you know what to avoid. I'll
leave them here, next to your phone.
112
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:56,740
Two cups of tea. I've warmed
113
00:06:56,740 --> 00:07:00,380
Cheers. Do you want a biscuit?
A cake? A casserole?
114
00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:04,740
No. I'll get you some anyway,
in case you change your mind.
115
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,500
She can't relax.
116
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:11,140
It's sweet she's so worried
about my trial.
117
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,140
It's me she's worried about!
118
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:16,580
Ever since I forgave her,
she's been fussing round me.
119
00:07:16,580 --> 00:07:18,100
Here we go!
120
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:21,860
Bakewell tarts, mini rolls,
digestives.
121
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,660
Oh, no. They're not good enough
for you, Donna.
122
00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:33,060
Janet, calm down! Stop treating me
like some sort of vicar!
123
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:35,500
I'm not! More tea?
124
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,180
No!
WE'RE supposed to be treating YOU!
125
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:42,300
I don't deserve to be treated,
Donna, I'm a horrible person.
126
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,140
I'm so glad you're my friend again.
127
00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:47,340
Not this again!
We've moved on, remember?
128
00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:50,460
It's Gaz I'm angry with, not you,
stop being sorry.
129
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,900
Sorry. I mean, sorry.
130
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:56,620
Now, I know it's not your wedding
just yet, but...
131
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:58,460
I've got you a present.
132
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:00,020
Oh, Donna, it's too much.
133
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:04,220
No, it isn't.
She's right, Janet, it isn't.
134
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,620
MUSIC BOX PLAYS
135
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,900
Donna, it's beautiful!
136
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,380
It was mine when I was little.
137
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:20,700
I used to listen to it at night
to drown out the sound
of Mum doing her pilots.
138
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:23,580
Pil-a-tes!
No, they were definitely pilots.
139
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:28,700
I was saving it
for when I have kids...
but since I haven't got any...
140
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,540
and all men are bastards,
141
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:34,980
and since the world's crushed all
hope of me ever finding happiness,
142
00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:37,020
and I'm gonna die...
143
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:40,940
..a lonely spinster...
144
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:45,860
shunned by a society
that cannot comprehend
the magnitude of my grief...
145
00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:47,380
Ta da!
146
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:51,900
Donna, I'm so touched.
147
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:56,060
And this box will symbolise
our everlasting friendship.
148
00:08:56,060 --> 00:09:01,100
Well, if you're that impressed
by something Donna pulled out
from the back of a cupboard,
149
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,300
wait till you see this!
150
00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:07,700
Oh! A collage of photos of us!
151
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,620
Louise, that's brilliant!
152
00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:12,100
Must've taken ages! It did!
153
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:19,380
Aha! There's you
on that carousel at the fair!
154
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:22,700
You last bonfire night.
155
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:26,500
You building a snowman.
You playing crazy golf.
156
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:30,700
You wearing a cowboy outfit...
they're all of you, Louise.
157
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:34,140
It's to remind you of me
while I'm rotting away in prison.
158
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,420
Head down, nose clean,
doing me bird.
159
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:38,980
Five to ten in a pen.
160
00:09:40,620 --> 00:09:45,100
Louise, you aren't going to prison.
161
00:09:40,620 --> 00:09:45,100
So your hen night better be good!
162
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,900
Come on, Donna,
let's find some drugs.
163
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:51,940
I'm not having a hen night now.
I'm gonna have a baby shower.
164
00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:54,540
Why can't you have a proper
English hen night?
165
00:09:54,540 --> 00:10:00,420
Stagger round Widnes with an
166
00:09:54,540 --> 00:10:00,420
blow jobs to herpes-ridden bouncers?
167
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:03,900
Delightful as that sounds,
I'll stick with the baby shower.
168
00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:07,140
Brilliant. So I'll spend my
last night in a room full of women
169
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,900
talking about potties.
170
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,780
That's how I might be spending
the next ten years!
171
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:14,980
Just cos we're staying in
doesn't mean we can't have fun.
172
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,700
We can play records and board games.
173
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,420
Come on, Louise,
help me dig out Game Of Life.
174
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,500
God help me.
175
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,860
See you later. Mmm.
176
00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:29,780
MUSIC BOX CRUNCHES AND TINKLES
177
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,780
Oh, my shit!
178
00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:46,060
Hey! Wahey!
179
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:48,580
ALL CHEER
180
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:52,260
Hello, all right? Wow!
181
00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:56,900
Ready for your big night?
It's brilliant, Gaz!
182
00:10:56,900 --> 00:11:01,780
All these people!
..Um, who are they?
183
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:05,340
What do you mean?
They're the stags!
184
00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:08,220
Here for an evening
of beer and mayhem.
185
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:11,420
But I don't actually know
any of them.
186
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:14,140
You do! You remember Greg!
187
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,820
Glen. Glen.
188
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:18,260
We were in the same year at school!
189
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:22,380
Sorry, I don't recognise you. Well,
I lived in Nottingham at the time.
190
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:28,020
You remember Dave Barrett, who we'd
play football with after school?
191
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,060
Yeah.
192
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:32,980
This is the fella who cuts his hair!
193
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:38,940
Right...wow(!) What about the rest
of the footie lads, are they coming?
194
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:42,820
Sorry, Jonny,
that was a long time ago.
195
00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:46,300
Many of those lads are now...dead.
196
00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:49,580
Paul Buxton isn't dead!
197
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:53,700
Well, he's...in prison. For life.
198
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,580
No, he isn't!
I saw him in the chippy last week!
199
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:58,340
He said he was a web designer.
200
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:02,580
Well, he's not exactly... Unless
he escaped and made that story up
201
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:05,620
so I wouldn't report him,
then he got caught again.
202
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:09,940
Hard to believe, I know! Complaining
about your stag night already?
203
00:12:09,940 --> 00:12:13,540
No! What else have you arranged?
For me to know and you to find out.
204
00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:17,340
Just don't make any long-term plans
205
00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:20,380
In case you need it,
timetable of trains to Edinburgh.
206
00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:22,340
That one's non-stop.
207
00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:25,860
Let's not peak too soon, we've got
catching up to do with you guys.
208
00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:28,260
But first...there you go!
209
00:12:28,260 --> 00:12:29,820
Cheers!
210
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:32,660
To Jonny! TO TOMMY!
211
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:37,540
Hi!
212
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:44,060
I've brought booze, balloons,
and some of Mum's pills,
in case things need pepping up.
213
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:52,420
This is it?!
This is my last night of freedom?!
214
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:55,140
But you haven't done anything!
215
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:57,940
I have! I've flushed the toilet.
216
00:12:57,940 --> 00:12:59,820
Anyway, you're early.
217
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,420
Well, I thought I'd make the most
of my last night, but if this is it,
218
00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:07,140
I may as well wander down to prison
and see if they'll let me in early.
219
00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:09,460
Things'll pick up.
220
00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:10,700
They'd better.
221
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:13,020
Who've you invited?
222
00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:15,020
Ah.
223
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:20,820
Oh, brilliant. So it's you,
me and Donna, same as every other
blooming night of my life.
224
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:22,860
I'm really sorry, Louise.
225
00:13:22,860 --> 00:13:26,620
The thing is...you know
the music box that Donna gave me?
226
00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:31,260
I thought it was tacky, to be
honest. I stood on it. Oh, good!
227
00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:33,700
Does it still play?
228
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:36,900
Sort of.
229
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,740
MANGLED MUSIC PLAYS
230
00:13:39,740 --> 00:13:42,260
Let's have a look at it.
231
00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:49,620
There you go! That's killed it!
232
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:54,780
Louise, I wasn't trying to break
it, I stepped on it by mistake!
233
00:13:54,780 --> 00:14:00,300
Oh. This box was supposed
to symbolise mine and Donna's
friendship and I've broken it!
234
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:03,300
She'll think friendship
means nothing to me now.
235
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,620
Hello! Donna, hi! Hi!
236
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:11,020
Careful, you're not going to be
all nice to me? No, you big witch!
237
00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:14,860
Good. Stick it up your bumhole!
Thank you, I will.
238
00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:19,300
I hope you die! Yeah, all right.
Sorry, I went too far. Sorry.
239
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:21,540
Welcome to the party.
240
00:14:21,540 --> 00:14:26,340
Look at all the wonderful
preparations Janet has made.
Have you flushed the toilet?
241
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:29,140
Yes. Well, what more do you want,
fireworks?!
242
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:34,820
Where we going? Is it paintballing?
243
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:34,820
No, laser quest, that's the best!
244
00:14:34,820 --> 00:14:37,460
It's go-karting.
Go-karting's the best ever!
245
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,860
This is me best stag night ever!
Get on!
246
00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:42,940
Hang on, there's too many of you.
What?
247
00:14:42,940 --> 00:14:47,260
You're exceeding the capacity of
this vehicle. Three have to get off.
248
00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:52,580
Is there anyone who doesn't mind
getting another cab?
249
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:02,700
It's fair enough, I suppose.
They are all mates and that.
250
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:06,780
Let's have a beer and follow on in a
bit, eh? I'll phone us another cab.
251
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,740
Some of the lads
knew what you did with Janet.
252
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:12,580
I told you to stop discussing it!
253
00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:15,900
It's all right, Jonny doesn't know.
Least, I don't think so.
254
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,740
Shall I find out? Oi! No!
255
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:29,900
You nervous? No, why should I be?
I've done nothing wrong!
256
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:32,180
I meant about the wedding.
257
00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:36,060
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
With everything that's happened...
258
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,980
Y'know, you and me and Jonny...
259
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:44,660
We've been through so much.
I feel all sentimental now!
260
00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:46,380
Get your box out.
261
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,660
Beg your pardon?
262
00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:52,780
No, the music box.
Let's have a listen, me and you.
263
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:57,420
Um, no. It's my music box now,
you can't have it.
264
00:15:57,420 --> 00:16:01,020
I only wanna listen to it.
Well, you can't. Janet!
265
00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:03,980
I've...sold it. What?
266
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,460
No, I haven't. I've lost it.
267
00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:09,260
No, not that either,
that'd be terrible...
268
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:14,140
Um...it's been stolen...
that's right, by thieves.
269
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:19,380
Janet, remember when I was about six
and there was a fire at my house?
270
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:22,620
All that alcohol and peroxide,
bound to happen.
271
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,860
The one possession of mine
that survived was that box.
272
00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:32,660
It's the only link I have to my
childhood. I just wanna see it.
273
00:16:32,660 --> 00:16:35,580
I've got us a party guest.
274
00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:40,180
He was asleep on the pavement.
275
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:43,540
Doesn't speak any English,
but he seems like a laugh!
276
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:48,300
What are you looking
so miserable about?
277
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:52,820
Janet won't give me the music box.
You may as well,
as you've smashed it!
278
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:59,140
You've what? Smashed it, yeah.
She stamped on it.
279
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:03,020
You two keep this one entertained,
I'm going for some more guests.
280
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,180
Cheers! Cheers!
281
00:17:23,820 --> 00:17:28,260
Cheers! Cheers!
This is great, innit?
282
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:33,460
Any sign of that taxi yet? Munch
is flagging one down, but you know
what it's like round here.
283
00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:37,300
Yeah, dead easy, there's that
taxi rank just round the corner.
284
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:41,860
So...any second thoughts
about tomorrow?
285
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:44,260
You are pretty young
to have a wife and a kid.
286
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:49,900
I'm not! There's girls I went
to school with that have got kids
that are older than I am!
287
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,580
How's that even possible?
288
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:56,700
No, I'm ready to settle down.
Or at least I will be after this
one night of madness! Cheers!
289
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,580
Cheers!
290
00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:00,100
Two more over here, Kelly.
291
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:03,660
Lager's off, and the bitter.
Those lads finished it all.
292
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:07,940
What've you got? I could get you
a couple of white wine spritzers!
293
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:12,260
Can we go now, Gaz? I think I'm
ready to start being humiliated!
294
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:15,540
OK, Jonny, you've asked for this.
295
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:21,220
I'm gonna beat you at dominoes!
296
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,660
I'm really sorry, Donna.
297
00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:31,420
And I'm not just sorry
298
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,540
Let me break something of mine
to make it even.
299
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:37,500
I'll smash these sunglasses.
300
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,380
They were my sunglasses.
301
00:18:45,380 --> 00:18:49,220
Oh, God! Sorry...um...
my mobile then.
302
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:53,460
Also mine.
303
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,460
Sorry. Um...
304
00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:59,020
This pot dog? That's yours.
305
00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:01,660
And he's the most
treasured possession I own.
306
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,700
I've had him yonks.
307
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,220
Break, pot dog, break!
Janet, what are you doing?
308
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:16,220
Must smash pot dog. I can't be
friends till I smash pot dog!
309
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:19,220
It doesn't
matter about the music box!
310
00:19:19,220 --> 00:19:21,620
It does! It's all over! You hate me!
311
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:27,260
It doesn't! The thing is...it's
not quite as special as I made out.
312
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,780
What?
313
00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:32,260
Well...all that stuff
about it being my mum's...
314
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:36,380
and the fire...I exaggerated
a bit... What do you mean?
315
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:41,300
I bought it from a jumble sale
last week for 50p.
316
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:44,820
Donna! I wanted to give you
something sentimental,
317
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:48,860
but I haven't got anything, Mum
pawned all the valuables for drink.
318
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:53,980
So I made something up. You cow!
It's the thought that counts!
319
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:56,940
It bloody isn't!
I haven't slept trying to fix it!
320
00:19:56,940 --> 00:20:00,740
I didn't know you were gonna stamp
on it! That's such a mean trick!
321
00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:03,140
I'm sorry.
You don't look very sorry!
322
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:06,540
That's because I'm glad
you're acting normal again.
323
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:10,060
Oh, yeah, I am, aren't it?
You bastard!
324
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:13,900
You clumsy bitch!
325
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,780
Cheapskate twat!
326
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,380
Come in, come in!
327
00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:22,060
Help yourselves to nibbles.
I'll get some music going.
328
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:24,700
Louise? Who are all these people?
329
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:28,540
Oh, I managed to flag down
a minibus full of boys.
330
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:35,100
Janet, this is Greg. Glen. Louise,
I'm not sure about all this.
331
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:38,380
Don't be a spoilsport! Just
imagine what the stags are up to!
332
00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:40,260
Jonny's probably under the table.
333
00:20:43,860 --> 00:20:47,340
Oh, no, it's a double three.
I'll have to knock.
334
00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:52,940
S'pose we missed the go-karts then?
335
00:20:52,940 --> 00:20:54,980
MOBILE BEEPS
336
00:20:54,980 --> 00:21:00,220
Yes, but...guess who that is
pulling up outside...
337
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:03,260
Santa!
338
00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:07,620
No!
339
00:21:07,620 --> 00:21:09,740
Ooh, I wonder who that could be(!)
340
00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:12,660
It's her! It's me stripper!
341
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:14,940
I wonder what she'll be dressed as!
342
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,300
School mistress! Policewoman!
343
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,180
Fireman!
344
00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:24,180
I'll just go
and get myself started.
345
00:21:27,580 --> 00:21:30,300
I'm looking for a patient
called Jonny.
346
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:33,740
If he's getting married,
he'll need his injections!
347
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:42,340
Hang on,
I thought this was a stag night.
348
00:21:42,340 --> 00:21:44,300
I don't do one-on-ones.
349
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:46,060
No, it is a stag night.
350
00:21:46,060 --> 00:21:47,940
Are you some kind of pervert?
351
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:50,420
Yes, since you ask.
352
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:53,220
That's not the point.
Listen, when Jonny comes...
353
00:21:53,220 --> 00:21:56,380
Hey! I know you!
You're Gaz Wilkinson, aren't you?
354
00:21:56,380 --> 00:22:00,340
Yeah. You're the one who shagged
your best mate's fiancee!
355
00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:04,660
How d'you know?! Never you mind.
356
00:22:04,660 --> 00:22:06,580
Hi, Kelly! All right, Sandra.
357
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:11,980
Don't tell me he still doesn't know!
I'll have to say something!
358
00:22:11,980 --> 00:22:14,500
You won't!
You'll do what you're paid for!
359
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:18,260
I don't think so! I can't let the
wedding go ahead if he doesn't know.
360
00:22:18,260 --> 00:22:21,100
Can't let the...
361
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:23,260
That's one step up
from a prostitute!
362
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:26,020
Right,
I'm definitely telling him now!
363
00:22:26,020 --> 00:22:27,540
Where is he?
364
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,540
MUSIC: "The Stripper"
365
00:23:20,220 --> 00:23:22,660
MUSIC STOPS
366
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:36,220
That was brilliant, Gaz.
367
00:23:38,260 --> 00:23:39,780
Really...good.
368
00:23:41,060 --> 00:23:42,900
First rate.
369
00:23:44,420 --> 00:23:46,940
Just wanted to give you a surprise,
you know.
370
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,820
Something you wouldn't expect.
371
00:23:50,820 --> 00:23:54,900
Yeah, cos I was expecting
a really fit girl.
372
00:23:56,420 --> 00:23:58,660
And that was loads better.
373
00:23:58,660 --> 00:24:00,180
Cheers, mate.
374
00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:04,580
I think I might...
go and have...a wash.
375
00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:13,580
That was crap, Gaz.
376
00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:16,100
Even I'm not aroused.
377
00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:20,860
No...no, actually, I am.
378
00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:24,180
I'd better change that drip tray.
379
00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:29,700
Yes. Admittedly, it isn't the
best stag night I've ever been on.
380
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:34,620
If you were a real friend, he'd be
on a train to Edinburgh by now,
with no eyebrows and "nonce"
381
00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:37,900
tattooed on his forehead.
I know, you're right.
382
00:24:43,140 --> 00:24:44,740
Hello, is that Greg?
383
00:24:44,740 --> 00:24:47,660
Glen! Not Greg, it's Glen!
384
00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:49,700
What is it, Gaz?
385
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:52,660
So you got your big night out
after all!
386
00:24:52,660 --> 00:24:57,180
It turns out the music box was just
a crappy piece of jumble sale tat!
So we're all happy!
387
00:24:58,620 --> 00:25:02,700
Not quite. On my last night
of freedom,
there's still one thing left to do.
388
00:25:04,220 --> 00:25:05,420
Oh, Slobodan!
389
00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:17,460
I think I owe you an apology, Jonny.
390
00:25:17,460 --> 00:25:22,140
It's the worst stag night
in the history of marriage!
391
00:25:22,140 --> 00:25:23,660
No, it wasn't.
392
00:25:24,660 --> 00:25:26,820
We had a good time.
393
00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:29,460
Spritzers...dominoes...
394
00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:33,820
..crisps...
395
00:25:33,820 --> 00:25:36,260
I thought you wanted
ritual humiliation.
396
00:25:36,260 --> 00:25:38,340
Nah!
397
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:40,740
Are you sure?
398
00:25:40,740 --> 00:25:44,420
Yeah, I'm sure.
See, that's a shame, because...
399
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:57,260
You all set for tomorrow then?
Last chance to wrap your belongings
in a tea towel and run away!
400
00:25:57,260 --> 00:26:00,460
Jonny'd never get over it.
He loves that tea towel.
401
00:26:02,420 --> 00:26:05,260
Janet told me about that music box.
402
00:26:05,260 --> 00:26:09,740
Oh, right. You didn't get
it from a jumble sale. I did.
403
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:13,500
You didn't! It had your name
404
00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,740
It was a family heirloom, wasn't it?
405
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:19,260
Only your family
would be that tacky.
406
00:26:19,260 --> 00:26:21,620
Don't tell Janet, will you?
407
00:26:21,620 --> 00:26:24,340
Course not. Much better this way.
408
00:26:24,340 --> 00:26:27,020
Janet's happier,
she doesn't feel guilty...
409
00:26:27,020 --> 00:26:32,100
She thinks your present's better
than mine... Exactly!
Everyone's a winner!
410
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:35,940
Oh, thanks for the baby shower,
Louise. It was a riot!
411
00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:38,140
No problemo.
412
00:26:38,140 --> 00:26:40,180
Come on, Slobodan.
413
00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:43,420
Bed!
414
00:26:45,100 --> 00:26:46,980
Night, Lou!
415
00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:51,380
I think I'm gonna smash
Louise's collage into bits now!
416
00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:57,460
To prove you're friends
with her as well? No, cos it's shit.
417
00:27:10,980 --> 00:27:13,380
This is the best EVER!
418
00:27:16,940 --> 00:27:20,260
I can't believe you're not even
slightly concerned about me!
419
00:27:20,260 --> 00:27:24,940
It's my trial today. Sorry, but
Janet's wedding takes priority.
420
00:27:24,940 --> 00:27:29,500
Kelly, have you seen Jonny?
There's no point, she's not here.
421
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:35,140
Where did you last leave him? He was
chained to a lamp-post naked. Oh!
422
00:27:35,140 --> 00:27:37,820
Oh, God,
what if they don't get married!
423
00:27:37,820 --> 00:27:40,460
Kelly! Have you seen Janet? No.
34348
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