Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,260 --> 00:00:04,140
I had a flashback. Janet and...Gaz!
2
00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:06,020
I found them...
3
00:00:06,020 --> 00:00:09,060
and they'd obviously just had sex.
4
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:11,900
Mum left the house to me
in the will.
5
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:14,500
You nearly killed my boyfriend.
Unless you apologise,
6
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,660
there's nothing you can say to make
me listen.
7
00:00:16,660 --> 00:00:18,940
I'm gonna tell Jonny
about you and Gaz.
8
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:21,860
Janet, I...
9
00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:25,700
..will you marry me?
10
00:00:30,220 --> 00:00:33,500
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:37,260
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:42,500
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,340
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:48,380
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:51,220
# And a pack of flakeys. #
16
00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:58,500
And then as we say "I do",
17
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:02,300
all the pageboys'll fall from the
sky like so many cannonballs.
18
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:05,580
I can't wait to tell everyone,
they'll be so excited.
19
00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:08,500
You don't have to go to massive
lengths to make our wedding happy.
20
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:11,140
Just us both turning
up sober would be enough.
21
00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:13,860
I can't promise that.
What I can promise
22
00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:18,060
is a 21-gun salute, an ice sculpture
and a man in a very tall hat.
23
00:01:18,060 --> 00:01:19,700
And what will he be doing?
24
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:22,860
Catching the bluebirds
to swarm round your head.
25
00:01:22,860 --> 00:01:24,740
It's gonna be huge.
26
00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:26,780
The wedding, not your head.
27
00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:32,140
People might not even want to come.
It's just one wedding.
28
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:33,940
It's not ONE wedding.
29
00:01:33,940 --> 00:01:36,580
It's one's wedding.
30
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:40,620
People are tired of us getting
engaged. They'll only think
we'll split up again.
31
00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:43,100
Look, we missed out
last time because...
32
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:45,740
Well, you dumped me like a
cruel bitch from Hades, but...
33
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:49,100
this time, we can
really make it special.
34
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:51,580
It'll be special whatever we do
35
00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:53,900
because WE'RE special.
36
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:56,740
Don't overdo it. You don't
know what's round the corner.
37
00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:58,860
The pub. Which is where
I'll be if you need me.
38
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,460
But...if you waited here, there
might be even bigger news.
39
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:05,980
What's bigger than
us getting married?
40
00:02:05,980 --> 00:02:08,860
Unless... Yes?!
41
00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:11,700
You've got us a canoe?!
42
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:14,460
No.
43
00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:15,980
I'll see you later.
44
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:25,060
God, I hope I don't
piss on my hand again.
45
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,860
# Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
46
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,980
# Duh-duh!
47
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:36,500
# Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
48
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:42,340
# Duh-duh! # And then they get him
in this seat, like -
a big leather seat,
49
00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:45,180
and they interrogate him, right?
50
00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:50,420
But they're asking him questions
about Cardinal Hume,
and when he gets one wrong. Bam!
51
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:54,340
Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh!
52
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,260
That's not a film. It's Mastermind.
53
00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:05,620
Anyway, how are
you and Munch getting on?
54
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:11,060
I don't know. He's nice and
everything, but... But what?
55
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:14,100
I think I need
someone more cleverer.
56
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,580
Someone more like you.
57
00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:20,900
Although, you know, he does
write lovely poetry.
58
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,820
Listen to this what he
wrote us in the Asda.
59
00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:27,980
Vimto, Vimto, processed cheese,
60
00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:30,580
Head & Shoulders, Rice Krispies.
61
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:38,340
So, he's quite deep, I suppose.
How's your bird,
with her poor dead mother?
62
00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:41,380
What, Donna? She's...bearing up.
63
00:03:41,380 --> 00:03:44,060
Hard-faced cow.
64
00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,500
No, no. She isn't. She's dead
sensitive. Over-sensitive.
65
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:50,020
They say that about me.
66
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:55,060
Ladybird.
67
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:59,820
No. It's been two weeks now.
You'd expect her to have come out
the other side,
68
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:05,620
but, no, she's still crying all the
time, picking things up and going
"it still smells of Mum".
69
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,380
And she sleeps with a face on her
like this...
70
00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:12,260
I'll tell you summat,
grief is dull.
71
00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:19,260
It'll pass soon enough. When my mum
72
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,380
Oh, she isn't any more. No.
73
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:27,180
The prison service brought her
back alive.
Fake mum didn't like that one bit.
74
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:32,140
If she WAS actually dead,
would you comfort me?
75
00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:34,740
If you like.
76
00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:41,100
The point is, Donna isn't gonna
get over this death
for a long, long time.
77
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:45,460
# When you're smiling
When you're smiling
78
00:04:45,460 --> 00:04:49,100
# The whole world smiles with you
79
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:52,580
# When you're laughing... #
Ha-ha!
80
00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:55,420
# When you're laughing... #
81
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:04,500
Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
82
00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:13,580
Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry!
83
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:15,340
Here, have some Ribena.
84
00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:20,020
Oh, bugger, that was wine.
85
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,860
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry!
86
00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:23,500
I'll make it up to you.
87
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,460
Oh, God. I'm a terrible mother.
88
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:30,060
Janet!
89
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:33,020
What do you want? You were
so out of order yesterday.
90
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:35,700
I know and I've come to apologise.
91
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:39,060
I shouldn't never have tried to
tell Jonny yesterday about...
92
00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:45,100
you know, what I saw. You and
Gaz... La-la, la-la, la-la, la!
93
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:49,100
..on the couch in all your
glory...having sex...
94
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:51,300
La-la, la-la, la-la, la!
95
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:55,060
I promise, I'm never
going to tell Jonny.
96
00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:59,140
You won't? No, because then I
wouldn't have anything on you.
97
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:01,660
As it is, I can get you
to do anything I want.
98
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:07,420
I am not your slave. Maybe I'd like
to see you squeal like a pig.
I am not your sl...
99
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:09,540
I'll tell Jonny. Wa-a-argh!
100
00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:11,900
Yay!
101
00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:19,180
This is blackmail. Well, maybe, I
want to practise counselling on you,
now that I'm a trained counsellor.
102
00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:24,740
You're what?
Well, I've been having psychotherapy
from Dr Yark for a while now.
103
00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:30,380
Well, since yesterday. But I think
104
00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:32,540
I've got bigger things
to think about.
105
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:36,500
Well...then let's explore
these issues...
106
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:39,020
with my box of tissues.
107
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:42,220
NO! I'll tell Jonny about you and
Gaz.
108
00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:45,620
It all started with my mother...
Yay!
109
00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:53,020
Morning.
110
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:55,020
Get out, you freak!
111
00:06:58,060 --> 00:07:00,300
Bitch wanted wheat-free.
112
00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:04,300
It's Kelly, isn't it?
113
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:10,460
Your Munch's mate? Any friend of
Munch's is a friend of mine, unless
they do him wrong then I bun 'em.
114
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:13,500
What can I get you? Nothing.
115
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,740
I'm bunned up. It's just that...
116
00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:18,260
I've got a bit of news. I love news.
117
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:20,700
It's my second favourite
show after Enjy Benjy.
118
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:23,060
Right, me and Janet,
119
00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:25,180
right, get this? Yeah?
120
00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:26,700
We're getting married!
121
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,740
What, again?
122
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,180
Listen... # When you're smiling... #
123
00:07:40,180 --> 00:07:43,900
Wait. Donna, it's really good to see
you with a smile on your face.
124
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:46,500
But would you stop singing that
stupid song?!
125
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,820
I can't.
I've not felt like this for...
126
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:56,740
Well, you know, since...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop that.
Happy Donna, come on!
127
00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:59,300
I won't let it spoil my
mood today. Why's that?
128
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:03,500
I've had the house valued,
and even with the stairs broken,
guess how much?
129
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:11,180
Well, it's a tenuous market, and
130
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:14,300
required to the property
would lead me to guess...
131
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,900
I haven't got a twatting clue.
132
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:22,260
£99,000.
133
00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:24,740
Marry me?
134
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:28,820
What me, a woman of property
marry a commoner like you?
135
00:08:28,820 --> 00:08:33,780
Why, my dear fellow, you're not
fit to enter my potting shed.
136
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:36,020
Are you going to put it on the
market?
137
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:39,740
I reckon so. It's
138
00:08:39,740 --> 00:08:44,060
You know what Mum used to say
to me when I was a little girl?
Fetch the gin?
139
00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:47,900
No. She said,
"Never hang onto the past, Donna.
140
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,700
"You go for it. And if that means
selling my death nest
141
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:54,420
"from under my still warm corpse,
do it." Paraphrasing, obviously.
142
00:08:54,420 --> 00:08:59,340
From now on, it's spend, spend,
spend. And we can afford...
143
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:00,860
a takeaway.
144
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:06,380
This time I'm getting chips.
Large. ..I've already thought
145
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:10,980
So have I. Didn't you hear? Chips,
Donna. I want to go on holiday.
146
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:15,700
I've never been further than
Warrington, and that's only cos I
fell asleep on that skip wagon.
147
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:18,620
Ooh! OK, where do you want to go?
Ibiza?
148
00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,900
Faliraki?
149
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,740
Wales?
150
00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:30,620
Two weeks hiking in Ecuador.
151
00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:37,100
Would I be right in
thinking that's in Wales?
152
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:42,380
No. A proper holiday, me and you.
Give us your phone. I'm going
to phone the travel agents.
153
00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:44,300
MOBILE RINGS
154
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:49,220
Ooh, maybe that's them. That'd be
weird, wouldn't it?
155
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:52,620
Yes. Yes, it would. Hello?
156
00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:54,740
Gaz?
157
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:56,660
I need to see you now.
158
00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:59,500
Louise is driving me insane. Janet!
159
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:04,380
Ink-blot test.
Tell me what you can see.
160
00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:09,300
That's my granny's
last Christmas card
161
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,500
covered in Ainsley Harriot's sauce.
162
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,780
Mmm, Freudian.
163
00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:17,740
Gaz...are you still there?
164
00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:20,300
Look, I need to see you now!
165
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:24,620
Louise is threatening to tell Jonny
about when she caught me and you,
166
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,780
you know...doing IT! # La-la-la!
167
00:10:26,780 --> 00:10:32,780
# La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la!
Oh, shut up! #
168
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:39,100
It's Vodafone. It's a courtesy call.
Stop offering me 150 free texts
each month
169
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,900
with reduced-rate evening
and weekend calls.
170
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:47,060
They're insatiable. I'm gonna go the
travel agent's. Get some brochures.
171
00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:48,980
I'll bring you back a balloon.
172
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:55,500
Janet? No, I can't meet you!
173
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,620
Yes, I know you need me and, to
a certain extent, all women do.
174
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:02,940
..Because there's no way in
the world I can be alone with you.
175
00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:04,700
And what if things happen?
176
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,940
Naked things.
177
00:11:06,940 --> 00:11:11,220
Look, I can see what...
# La-la-la! Shut up! #
178
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:13,940
Is that Vodafone?
179
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:16,620
Yeah. Do you want a drink?
180
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:22,060
All right. Look, I'll meet you
round mine in ten.
181
00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:24,980
Don't you dare be naked.
182
00:11:24,980 --> 00:11:30,940
Hiya! Guess what! All right, look
183
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,940
Make it quick. I've got to go.
184
00:11:33,940 --> 00:11:36,660
Me and Janet, right? Drum roll.
185
00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,180
We're getting married!
186
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:46,860
HE MAKES NOISE LIKE CYMBALS
187
00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:52,500
What, again? Where are you going?
I've got to meet...Vodafone. Alone.
188
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,660
Aren't you staying to celebrate?
189
00:11:54,660 --> 00:12:00,860
To be honest, Jonny it's old news.
I've got to go. I've not been alone
190
00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:03,020
Wish me luck.
191
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,020
Janet!?
192
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:16,220
Where's Janet? Oh, she's gone to the
park to squeal like a pig for me.
193
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:22,540
I'm going to go and find her. Don't
go, Donna! Come in. Take a seat.
194
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:25,100
Well, I've been the travel agent's.
195
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:29,820
I've got the whole world in my
hands...plus a little donkey.
196
00:12:29,820 --> 00:12:32,100
I'm just like God.
197
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,740
Meglomania infused
with Donkeyphilia.
198
00:12:34,740 --> 00:12:40,340
OK. Hey, I've put my mum's house on
the market. Guess how much?
199
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:46,860
Do you think you're ready
to tell me? Are you shocked by huge
buggering amounts of cash?!
200
00:12:46,860 --> 00:12:48,660
99 grand!
201
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,460
And, er...
202
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,820
how does that make you feel?
203
00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:55,220
I feel great, to be honest.
204
00:12:55,220 --> 00:12:57,540
What are you writing?
205
00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,860
Just some case subject notes.
206
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,340
These are pictures of spiders.
207
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:05,380
Oh-h!
208
00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:08,140
You need my counselling.
209
00:13:08,140 --> 00:13:11,260
Let me practise on you.
210
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:17,660
Have you always had suicidal
thoughts? Never. Come on.
211
00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:23,420
I'd be suicidal if my counsellor
were so much prettier than me.
212
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:28,780
Louise, there's nothing you
can say to me to make me cry.
I'm just not in the mood. Fine!
213
00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:33,380
What about if we talk about that
time your mother got squashed
214
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:40,260
And before she was even cold,
you sold her house, so you
could enjoy yourself.
215
00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:44,660
How does that make you feel?
216
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:57,460
Gaz. Look, we need a plan.
217
00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:59,900
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
218
00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:02,980
Don't you point those
things at me, Janet.
219
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:05,220
Gaz, what are you talking about?
220
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:08,220
Me and you. We can't be alone
together! Ever!
221
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:10,740
We can't control ourselves. What if
the nakedness returns?
222
00:14:10,740 --> 00:14:16,540
That's not going to happen.
You won't be able to help yourself,
Janet, I mean, look at me!
223
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,140
We're not safe.
You've seen the goods.
224
00:14:21,140 --> 00:14:23,620
Gaz, I'll prove it to you.
225
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:30,740
Do you feel anything?
226
00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:32,980
Yeah, boobies.
227
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:36,740
I mean, do you feel anything...
you know?
228
00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:38,860
Do YOU feel anything?
229
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:42,860
Not at all...but it has made me
appreciate Jonny wearing mittens
230
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:45,380
What did you phone me up for, then?
231
00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:49,220
Women only ever phone me for sex
and to tell me my tea's ready.
232
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:50,740
Is my tea ready?
233
00:14:50,740 --> 00:14:55,420
Huh! ..No, look. It's Louise.
She's blackmailing me. She says
she'll tell Jonny about us
234
00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:58,460
if I don't let her counsel me. We
have to think of something.
235
00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:02,060
Why? Just let her counsel you. She'll
236
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:05,180
But what next? I'm her slave. She
237
00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:07,500
Ooh(!)
238
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:11,820
Come on. We need to think of a way
to stop her once and for all.
Please think.
239
00:15:15,860 --> 00:15:19,420
I can't while your nipples are
still pointing at me like that!
240
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:23,500
I can't concentrate. It's like
reading Braille off your bra.
241
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:27,820
We could confront her. Together.
242
00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:29,340
Two.
243
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:33,620
Bound.
244
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:37,420
Or we could say that it never
happened? That might work(!)
245
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:40,820
Except for the fact she walked in
on us naked. We weren't naked.
246
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:43,340
We'd finished by then.
We had some clothes on.
247
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,460
No, we hadn't. We were both naked.
248
00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:49,620
Louise walked in, she smiled,
her negligee fell off...
249
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:57,060
..then she said "Ooh, it's hot
in here. Where's the ice?"
250
00:15:57,060 --> 00:15:59,660
That didn't happen.
That's how I remember it.
251
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:04,580
At least, if that had happened,
we'd have something to
blackmail her back with.
252
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:09,140
Don't you have anything?
I thought you girls tell each other
everything.
253
00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:13,940
D'you know what?
There is one little skeleton
she wouldn't like getting out.
254
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,220
What? What? What is it?
255
00:16:16,220 --> 00:16:18,180
Summat really fruity?
256
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:20,580
Something involving negligee?
257
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,540
In school, right...
I've never told anyone this.
258
00:16:23,540 --> 00:16:25,220
Oh, yeah!
259
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:28,700
Naughty, was she?
260
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,420
Yeah. 15 years old,
261
00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:32,220
hormones a-blazing!
262
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:34,300
She...
263
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,180
failed PE.
264
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:37,580
Oh...
265
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:45,380
Oh, my God! If that's the
"everything" you girls tell
each other, I'm glad to be a man.
266
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:49,700
Listen! She's dead bothered
about it. The BAGA assessor thought
she was pissed.
267
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:53,020
She's always told me never to bring
it up again. We've got it!
268
00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:54,820
She's bound to stop now!
269
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,420
Hey!
270
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:59,620
DOORBELL RINGS
271
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:04,380
I think your anger management needs
a little work. Argh!
272
00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:10,140
If you dare mention my mother again,
I will kill you WITH MY BARE HAND!
273
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:13,060
No, no. Gloved hands,
polyester gloves.
274
00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:17,300
Oh! And when you get to heaven,
my mum'll be there and
she'll kill you, as well.
275
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,180
And when you come back...AS A RAT,
276
00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:25,620
I'll buy you from the pet shop,
277
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:28,620
And then I'll kill you
WITH MY BARE HANDS!
278
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:33,380
You...
279
00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:38,060
Janet!
280
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:40,340
I'd love to come, but...
281
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,500
I-I'm just in session at the minute.
282
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,140
DONNA MOUTHS
283
00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:49,940
I think that's all the time
we have for today.
284
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:55,580
All right. Hiya!
285
00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:58,620
I'm stuck. Got any goose fat?
286
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,700
Er, no, sorry.
287
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:05,180
Then...I guess this is home.
288
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:08,380
I like moving. It's exciting.
289
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:12,260
So, you'd be excited if I had
some, like, really big news?
290
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:16,820
Oh, bloody hell. That's brilliant!
Top man. Yeah? You think so?
Yeah.
291
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:20,460
As long as it weren't you were
engaged again. That's so passe.
292
00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:30,980
OK.
293
00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:33,260
This is the deal. We sit her down.
294
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:34,980
We look stern at her like this.
295
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:39,140
Demand she stops blackmailing me
and then -
296
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:44,140
and here's the clever bit -
we threaten her with her
own sordid little secret. Ha!
297
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:47,780
Actually, that's what I'm going
to say at the end. "Ha!"
298
00:18:47,780 --> 00:18:52,420
OK. You just go through that again.
I don't really listen to girls.
299
00:18:56,660 --> 00:19:01,860
Louise. Glad you could make it(!)
A-hem(!)
300
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:03,860
The day I've had!
301
00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:07,820
You know, your girlfriend is quite
the Don Quixote with her donkey.
302
00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:10,860
We have some demands. Ha!
303
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:15,300
I thought you were saving
that for the end. It's addictive.
304
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:20,740
Louise, we have a little bargaining
chip we'd like to offer. Ha!
305
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:26,020
I don't mind admitting, Gaz,
306
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:30,060
I have Paolo parts in places
straw should never exist.
307
00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:32,140
Hello?! My demands.
308
00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:34,820
She's the worst subject
I've encountered since PE.
309
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:40,020
God, do you remember me
failing that at school?!
310
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:44,860
Funny story. I tell it to everyone.
311
00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:47,500
Oh, bollocks!
312
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:51,980
That's it. I'll just have to tell
313
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:57,620
I only tried to be nice to her
about her mum and encourage
her suicidal tendencies.
314
00:19:57,620 --> 00:20:01,020
Imagine if I'd done something
really wrong.
315
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:06,260
Imagine. Like snagging one
of her revolting cardigans or
smoking her last roll-up, or...
316
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,500
Did you see that?!
317
00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:21,860
Are you mad? You've just made
everything ten times worse.
318
00:20:21,860 --> 00:20:24,780
She grabbed me and kissed me.
319
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:27,380
Oh, my God!
320
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:31,860
Well, I, for one, sure hope Donna
doesn't find out about that.
321
00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:41,420
Oh-h-h(!)
322
00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:44,500
So do I.
323
00:20:44,540 --> 00:20:49,100
Louise, will you be telling the
frightening and hurtful Donna
about kissing her boyfriend?
324
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,780
I am so turned on.
325
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,900
Let's phone Donna.
326
00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:57,100
Oh, God. Don't tell Donna.
327
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,060
Please don't tell Donna.
328
00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:00,980
Are you going to tell Donna, Gaz?
329
00:21:00,980 --> 00:21:03,940
Well...I might be persuaded
to keep it quiet.
330
00:21:03,940 --> 00:21:06,740
Janet?! I won't tell Donna...
331
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:09,380
if you don't tell Jonny
about me and him.
332
00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:12,580
Of course. Definitely.
I'll never bring it up again,
333
00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:16,220
if you're sure you won't
tell Donna a thing.
334
00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:17,500
BOTH: Yes.
335
00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:21,220
Thank you, thank you!
336
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:29,180
Ah, by God, it was worth it!
337
00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:34,460
Ha!
338
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:42,100
Hello. What are you doing here?
339
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:44,620
Calming down. Bloody Louise!
340
00:21:44,620 --> 00:21:46,220
She just makes feel me so...
341
00:21:46,220 --> 00:21:47,980
GRUNTING: Fuh-duh...!
342
00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:50,780
That's the only word for it.
343
00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:53,220
Fuh-duh!
344
00:21:53,220 --> 00:21:55,660
I would love to be thought of as...
345
00:21:55,660 --> 00:21:57,740
fuh-duh!
346
00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:00,060
Everyone round here
seems to think I'm...
347
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:02,580
MUMBLING: ..muh...muh!
348
00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:05,060
Oh, it's not her fault.
349
00:22:05,060 --> 00:22:07,340
My life is such a mess.
350
00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:12,620
So's mine. The most exciting thing
in the world's happening to me and
351
00:22:12,620 --> 00:22:16,740
My mum's died. And I can't use
her money for travelling
because I feel guilty.
352
00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:21,580
You win. So, where is it you want to
go? Hiking in Ecuador.
353
00:22:21,580 --> 00:22:25,860
Day trips to Wales aren't that
expensive.
354
00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:29,580
That was only the beginning. I
wanted to travel the world, Jonny.
355
00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:33,940
Louise has made me think
I'm being selfish, selling
Mum's house to go travelling.
356
00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:36,380
Well, you ARE.
What's wrong with that?
357
00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:41,780
It's sick. I should be sat in her
house moping. I should be at her
358
00:22:41,780 --> 00:22:46,860
And Flo'd like that, would she? She
never spoke about it. She always
359
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:51,060
She was never a grave-tending,
mopey woman.
360
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:55,260
She was a slave-vending,
gropey woman.
361
00:22:55,260 --> 00:23:00,100
I know, but...Louise made me feel I
should be the dutiful daughter.
362
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:01,860
But she'd want you to be happy.
363
00:23:01,860 --> 00:23:05,660
You'd be granting her dying wish if
you went travelling. Do you think?
364
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:10,780
Although her actual dying wish was
probably, "I wish that truck wasn't
365
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:14,700
You're right, you know.
I'm going to book this trip.
Do it! It'll be great.
366
00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:19,900
I will! And not just to Ecuador.
367
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:22,420
You should! I'll phone 'em now.
368
00:23:22,420 --> 00:23:26,780
I've never been so excited.
Do you want to hear something
even more exciting?
369
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:29,180
Yes. I'm getting married!
370
00:23:29,180 --> 00:23:31,220
What, again?
371
00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:39,500
Norma's just said she saw you
kissing that little squeaky biffa.
372
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:41,860
Why her and not me?
373
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:46,740
What? I mean what's up with me, eh?
Is it because I rammed your
brother into that swing?
374
00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:52,540
Aw! I couldn't help it.
He was annoying me. "Higher, higher!
375
00:23:52,540 --> 00:23:56,340
"Faster, faster!"
I just can't shag that quickly.
376
00:23:57,340 --> 00:23:59,500
No. I didn't want to do it.
377
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:02,700
Then you just don't fancy me?
378
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:04,780
Nobody fancies me.
379
00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:09,220
Why not? What's wrong with me, eh?
I'll never get a boyfriend.
380
00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:14,740
I've already got a girlfriend.
Donna. You think I'm ugly.
381
00:24:14,740 --> 00:24:17,700
SHE WAILS
382
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:20,740
SHE CONTINUES WAILING
383
00:24:23,220 --> 00:24:25,860
Oh, bollocks!
In for a penny, in for a pound, eh?
384
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:32,060
Hey? ..Hey?
385
00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:52,500
Nobody cares. Always the bridegroom,
never the bride.
386
00:24:54,780 --> 00:25:01,780
Jonny! Hello. God, what a day.
I know. Nobody cares about us
387
00:25:01,780 --> 00:25:06,180
It's not news to them. The
point of news is that it's new...Z!
388
00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:09,380
We've been engaged before.
389
00:25:09,380 --> 00:25:11,700
And I'm thinking we should just not
get married,
390
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:14,500
until I can think of something
that'll make 'em go.
391
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:17,660
"Wow! That's some news, Jonny. Check
out those tidings.
392
00:25:17,660 --> 00:25:20,780
"Ahoy! Call the fire
brigade. This is hot".
393
00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:24,340
We don't know anyone that speaks
like that, other than you.
394
00:25:24,340 --> 00:25:26,420
Like, we could do it underwater.
395
00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:28,500
That'd be news. Been done.
396
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,220
At a football stadium?
397
00:25:30,220 --> 00:25:32,260
Been done.
398
00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:35,900
On fire! Not been done.
399
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:37,580
But resulting in death.
400
00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:39,140
At least it'd be news.
401
00:25:39,140 --> 00:25:41,260
We could do it while I was pregnant.
402
00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:43,420
Now that IS unoriginal.
403
00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:46,540
What would be news is if the
groom was actually the father.
404
00:25:47,460 --> 00:25:49,340
He is.
405
00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:50,860
Jonny.
406
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:54,580
What? Y...
407
00:25:54,860 --> 00:25:56,780
Yeah. Four weeks.
408
00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:58,940
Four weeks old.
409
00:25:58,940 --> 00:26:02,540
You've done a test?
410
00:26:02,540 --> 00:26:05,900
It's not like before when
you got your dates mixed up?
411
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:11,660
Or like when you got a craving
for Big Macs and it just turned
out you were a greedy bastard?
412
00:26:11,660 --> 00:26:14,340
No, it's not like that.
413
00:26:14,340 --> 00:26:17,060
I'm having a baby.
There's your news.
414
00:26:17,060 --> 00:26:20,020
Corinthian.
415
00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:23,100
We shall name him Corinthian.
416
00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:25,060
After our Action Man.
417
00:26:28,660 --> 00:26:31,460
Would I be right in thinking
that you pissed on that?
418
00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:38,580
It's ace, Donna. It really is.
419
00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:41,740
You'll really come with me?
You'll be able to get time off?
420
00:26:41,740 --> 00:26:43,420
Yeah. I reckon so.
421
00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:45,620
Munch should be pretty competent...
422
00:26:45,620 --> 00:26:50,140
once he gets out of that swing.
I can't wait.
423
00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:54,140
After all the bad news, it's great
424
00:26:54,140 --> 00:26:58,380
I know. After the day I've had, I'll
be glad of a trip to Wales.
425
00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:03,820
It's my fault, isn't it?
426
00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:06,900
I'm sorry my mum's
death made me such a nightmare.
427
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:09,180
Ooh, I sound like Liza Minnelli.
428
00:27:10,780 --> 00:27:12,900
You grieve as much as you want.
429
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:14,860
Go ahead. I'll look after you.
430
00:27:14,860 --> 00:27:19,540
Thanks, Gaz. So what was it
that made your day so hard,
431
00:27:19,540 --> 00:27:22,020
It was that bloody Louise.
432
00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:25,420
She wanted to tell Jonny about me
and Janet sleeping together.
433
00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:32,980
It's a bloody nightmare.
434
00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:39,100
She's got a right gob on her,
hasn't she?
435
00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:45,260
I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.
436
00:27:46,260 --> 00:27:47,420
Donna?
437
00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:51,100
I know what happened.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!
438
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:52,900
The flat's so empty without Donna.
439
00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:55,740
Would you like me to come round and
shag you in it?
440
00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:58,020
We can't pick up the piece
of our friendship
441
00:27:58,020 --> 00:28:00,540
until you've picked up the pieces
of your teeth.
442
00:28:00,540 --> 00:28:01,940
I'm pregnant!
443
00:28:01,940 --> 00:28:04,300
Haven't you figured it out?
444
00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:05,700
Janet's having your baby?
35293
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof