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1
00:00:02,260 --> 00:00:06,180
You're not important, you're
impotent. That's it, rub it in.
2
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:09,020
Murder? No, that's too much.
3
00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:11,260
Armed robbery? Tick.
4
00:00:11,260 --> 00:00:12,780
Donna! Gaz!
5
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,740
You see my girlfriend again
and I'll smack you.
6
00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:19,060
Jonny Keogh, master criminal.
7
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:21,940
Not so dull any more.
8
00:00:22,220 --> 00:00:24,180
Don't shoot me.
9
00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:26,660
Why do you think I wanna shoot you?!
The gun.
10
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,460
What gun? The one in your trousers.
11
00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:29,980
I can feel it.
12
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:37,260
Put the gun down, Mr Keogh.
I haven't got a gun.
13
00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:39,100
This is just a Crunchie.
14
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,020
No!
15
00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:57,820
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
16
00:00:57,820 --> 00:01:01,580
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
17
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:07,220
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
18
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,660
# Just think I'll wait a while
19
00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:12,700
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
20
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,540
# And a pack of flakeys. #
21
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:30,740
Shoes...
22
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:32,660
now which shoes say "death"?
23
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:37,340
Jesus sandals!
24
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:39,220
DOORBELL RINGS
25
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,900
Louise.
26
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,660
The car will be here in a minute.
27
00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,580
I know.
28
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,140
You OK?
29
00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:02,300
I don't think so, I'm numb. Well,
you did insist on ribbed ones.
30
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:06,180
I don't know why it's
affected you like it has.
31
00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:08,780
You're just so horny!
32
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:11,140
I'm sorry, Gaz.
33
00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:16,300
I don't mind. I just thought you'd
have wanted to spend the day
crying rather than sat on my mouth.
34
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:19,660
Well, grief affects us all
differently.
35
00:02:19,660 --> 00:02:21,820
CAR BEEPS LOUDLY
36
00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:23,940
It's the car!
37
00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:26,980
Are you ready for this? As I can be.
38
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,820
Hold on, shouldn't the driver have
knocked! That's a bit disrespectful.
39
00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:35,260
"Beep, beep!
Coming through, body in the back."
Well, he isn't getting a tip.
40
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:38,620
Hearses aren't like taxis.
They only have one drop-off point.
41
00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:42,060
They're not likely to say "You'll
never guess who I had in the back."
42
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,700
What are you looking at me like that
for?
43
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:58,100
I can't believe Donna's late.
44
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,980
She must be grief stricken.
45
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,580
I think we all are.
46
00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:04,980
Will there be food later?
47
00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:08,340
All rise, please!
48
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:09,940
FUNEREAL MUSIC
49
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,420
Woo-hoo!
50
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:36,100
Sit down! I think you'll find
you can't do much else when you've
been shot through the knee, Janet.
51
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:39,100
You can't arrive hanging off
the back of the coffin!
52
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:42,860
Flo had enough men hanging out of the
back of her not to mind another one.
53
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:47,020
We'll begin with the Hail Mary.
54
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,780
Check this out!
55
00:03:52,780 --> 00:03:55,700
< PRAYER BEGINS
56
00:03:57,620 --> 00:04:00,500
I'm the local fool. I'm famous.
57
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,780
What do you expect? You got shot.
58
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:05,220
Of course you're going
to make the front page.
59
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,900
Last week's headline was
"Marmite Yum".
60
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,580
Amen! ALL: Amen.
61
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,620
I think it's great Jonny got shot.
62
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,060
Why would you think that?
63
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:18,500
Because...he's got
all this lovely fame.
64
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,620
Free hair products.
65
00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:22,620
The best table in the cafe.
66
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,620
Besides, nobody got seriously hurt.
67
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,460
So, no-one's to blame.
68
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:30,420
Jonny nearly died.
Of course someone's to blame.
69
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,740
That's right. No-one's to blame.
70
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,220
< DOOR BURSTS OPEN
71
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,900
Sorry. Sorry.
72
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:55,940
I can't believe you made me late
for my own mother's funeral.
73
00:04:55,940 --> 00:05:00,500
Don't blame me. You're the one who's
been affected so brilliantly by it.
74
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:04,940
...at 19 and pursuing her goal to be
a full-time mother and housewife.
75
00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:08,460
"Mummy"?! She's the least mummyish
person I've met in my life.
76
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,420
Was there a mistake with the flowers?
77
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:14,020
I wanted "whore hound" but the
florist wouldn't go for it. Amen!
78
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,940
ALL: Amen.
79
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,060
There you go!
80
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:20,820
"To Ada, a lovely dear,
from that idiot boy, Jonny."
81
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,660
Big kiss!
82
00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:26,500
Jonny, stop exploiting
this funeral for your fame.
83
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,780
You're like Elton John.
84
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:32,300
Louise is right,
this fame's brilliant.
85
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:35,140
I'm going to milk this for all I can.
86
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:39,660
And now Jonny Keogh
will do a reading.
87
00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:42,020
I didn't want any readings.
88
00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:52,860
"Police were under fire last
night following the shooting
of local fool, Jonny Keogh" -
89
00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:54,580
that's me!
90
00:05:56,060 --> 00:05:58,540
Jonny, how could you?
91
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:08,780
Shall we move on to our first hymn?
92
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:12,580
"Freak Out" by Le Chic.
93
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,540
MUSIC STARTS
94
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,940
It's what she would have wanted.
95
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:29,940
I've not seen you in 23 years.
96
00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:34,060
Not since they brought you home from
the hospital swathed in blankets.
97
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:37,500
Her husband never knew.
98
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:42,100
Flo thought it were best.
Sorry, do I know you?
99
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:44,660
I wish I could have
known you better.
100
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:53,060
I've not seen you in 23 years.
Not since... Oh!
101
00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:13,700
Lovely day for a funeral, Donna.
102
00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:16,820
Are you ready to go, babe?
103
00:07:16,820 --> 00:07:18,780
I think so, it's been a tough day.
104
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:21,860
I might stay for a while, make sure
everybody's...
105
00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:24,980
Oh God... You, home!
106
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:28,980
Not again!
There's mourners to behold!
107
00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:30,220
What's going on?
108
00:07:30,220 --> 00:07:32,380
Ever since Flo died, right...
109
00:07:32,380 --> 00:07:35,340
Don't say died, use a euphamism.
110
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:38,700
I call it the truck splat... phst!
..incident.
111
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:42,940
Well ever since then, she's
been a whirling dervish of dirt.
112
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,900
I know. I don't know what's wrong
with me.
113
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:48,180
I get sad and then all these
stirrings start.
114
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:49,300
And just have to...
115
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:53,860
I would have jumped on Father
Downey if he'd kept talking
about his erection.
116
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:56,260
It's "resurrection".
117
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:03,660
Miss Henshaw.
118
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:07,660
God, your hands feel
so damn good on my skin!
119
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:12,220
Whoa! Sorry, Vicar.
120
00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,540
It was a lovely service, Vicar.
121
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:22,620
I'd not seen her in 23 years.
122
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:31,300
Janet?
123
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:34,500
Janet, it happened again.
124
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:37,540
Jonny!
125
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:41,580
Stop trying to
prove the Daleks wrong.
126
00:08:42,740 --> 00:08:44,460
Louise, can you get me my pen?
127
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,460
Certainly!
128
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:51,180
You should be resting, what do you
need a pen for?
129
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:54,260
That woman asking
for my autograph got me thinking.
130
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:57,500
Jonny's a celebrity now, isn't it
great to have been shot!
131
00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:00,460
I'm going to sign these photos.
132
00:09:00,460 --> 00:09:03,580
It's such a drag when you're in
a restaurant or just hanging
133
00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,340
and some punk wants a piece of you.
134
00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:06,740
I'm like "Just chill!"
135
00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,980
So, in future, I'll hand
136
00:09:09,980 --> 00:09:13,340
What... You're not...
People are just interested.
137
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:15,460
You're tomorrow's chip
paper, Jonny.
138
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:20,100
Oh, Janet. That hurts.
139
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,780
I didn't ask to be born.
140
00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,500
I'm going to my trailer.
141
00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:30,260
Br-rm, br-rm! You should stop giving
142
00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:32,020
He's had his leg half blown off.
143
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:35,140
Can I get you some form
of infusion, Jonny?
144
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:37,580
Yes. Tea and bag would be lovely.
145
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,460
I think you should enjoy the fame
146
00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:43,340
and perhaps be grateful to whoever
it was who caused the shooting.
147
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:46,100
And if one day you do
discover who it was,
148
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:52,100
I think the beauty that is you
would find it in your heart
to forgive them. Thank you.
149
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:55,020
Why can't you be more like that?
I want you to get better.
150
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:58,700
You won't if you're
Christine Hamiltoning it up
all over the place.
151
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,980
It's all I've got. I can't work,
152
00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:03,860
I can't walk,
153
00:10:03,860 --> 00:10:06,260
I can't whistle.
154
00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:08,500
What's whistling got to do
with anything?
155
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,060
It just upsets me.
156
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:13,980
ATTEMPTS TO WHISTLE, DOORBELL RINGS
157
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,860
Anyway, I want you to support me in
my fame.
158
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:19,500
Physio says I can get
out of the chair in a day or two.
159
00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:22,460
I'm thinking press conference -
"The Raising Of Jonny".
160
00:10:22,460 --> 00:10:24,700
I'm thinking auction of scabby
bandages.
161
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:28,820
Jonny... Oh, the police,
they're back for more.
162
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:32,100
Oh, oh! Oh God, oh God, oh God!
163
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,300
That's her.
164
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,980
Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of incitement of GBH.
165
00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:40,940
You don't have to say anything
but if you do, it will be taken
166
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:43,020
Did you get that? That was "ah!"
167
00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:45,980
What's going on?
168
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,180
Help me, I'm being Louise-napped.
169
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:51,260
Seriously, hold on, you can't
just barge in here and...
170
00:10:51,260 --> 00:10:54,700
Hey, aren't you Jonny Keogh?
171
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:57,860
Why, yes I am.
172
00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:01,180
For God's sake! My mate shot you!
Dave. Dave from Preston.
173
00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:03,620
Short fellow, wonky eye.
Do you remember?
174
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:08,820
Strangely not but
then I was more concerned with the
huge hole he'd blown through my knee.
175
00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:12,700
He's a nutter all right. Come on,
let's get this one banged up.
176
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:15,100
Help Janet, they're banging me up.
177
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:18,100
And not in a Pete Tong way.
178
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:24,420
Oh my God, GBH.
179
00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:28,060
See, he knew who I was.
180
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:31,540
I wonder if they'll do security
at the press conference.
181
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,260
Ah! Hang on, hang on!
182
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:41,820
Wait, stop a minute. I can't do it.
183
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:44,020
Come on, it's easy,
a monkey could do it.
184
00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:46,380
Granted he might fling it at you
185
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:51,740
No, wait! I can't. It won't go hard.
186
00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:53,700
For God's sake, what do you mean?
187
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,980
It's very easy to understand, Donna.
It won't go hard.
188
00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:59,540
Well, give it here. Hand it over.
189
00:11:59,540 --> 00:12:04,020
No, it's shy and shrivelled.
190
00:12:04,020 --> 00:12:06,620
Why now?
191
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:07,860
I don't know,
192
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:11,660
maybe I feel unmanlified by the
funeral.
193
00:12:11,660 --> 00:12:13,060
"Unmanlified"?
194
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:15,060
Yeah, unmanlified.
195
00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:18,700
It's like unqualified but instead
of certificates you get notches.
196
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,100
You've never been so tacky as
to carve notches in your bed...
197
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,940
Oh my God,
I've not noticed them before.
198
00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:28,820
They're not notches,
they're teeth marks.
199
00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:34,620
Fine, you're going to have to clear
off then, I've a very important job
to do.
200
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:37,660
You can't ask me to clear off
just so you can...
201
00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:39,980
shuffle the deck.
202
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:42,580
It's just impolite.
203
00:12:42,580 --> 00:12:44,380
February 19th, the week I had flu,
204
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:47,020
you made me sit on
a freezing balcony for 20 minutes
205
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:48,180
while you did it.
206
00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:53,700
It was only six and a half if I'm
honest.
207
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,700
I was just trying to impress you.
208
00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:57,540
Gaz, I'd just like to get on.
209
00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,140
I could offer you some expert advice.
210
00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:03,100
For example, will you
be using pornographic material?
211
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:06,420
Possibly, I may just rely on my own
imagination.
212
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:10,660
Be careful! Why? Because using your
imagination will be fine for a while
213
00:13:10,660 --> 00:13:14,180
but the danger is someone
friendly pops up right on the crest.
214
00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:16,780
Really?
215
00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:20,220
You could be happily frottering away
thinking about me in trousers
216
00:13:20,220 --> 00:13:24,140
when "Hello vicar!", Father Downey
appears behind a bouncy castle.
217
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:28,380
Well, I'm glad we had this
little talk. Nature calls.
218
00:13:28,380 --> 00:13:31,500
Any more advice you need,
I am here to help.
219
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:36,060
Actually what do you do about
the vague, hollow sense
of guilt after you've finished?
220
00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:38,940
I fill it with food.
221
00:13:38,940 --> 00:13:40,660
Out!
222
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:44,620
Guards?
223
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:45,980
Guards!
224
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,420
I want a latte.
225
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:54,860
At least give me my hat back,
it completes my outfit.
226
00:13:57,380 --> 00:14:01,220
Me, arrested. Can you believe?
227
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,540
I know Jonny Keogh.
228
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,540
He could get you killed.
229
00:14:09,460 --> 00:14:11,940
Note to self -
"don't threaten to kill police."
230
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:20,140
Leave me alone. If you like her,
just go and ask her out.
231
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:25,060
I can't. She's way too good for me.
232
00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:27,540
She's dreamy!
233
00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:36,180
Hello, Donna, yeah, how's it going?
234
00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:41,900
I just remembered, if you stare
very hard at Bruce Forsyth, he
starts to resemble the testes.
235
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:44,620
I just thought that
might be useful to you.
236
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:51,260
Hiya! I can't believe Jonny Keogh
237
00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:53,220
He's fit.
238
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:56,580
Hey, I know him,
I know him dead well.
239
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:58,780
He says I smell like a badger.
240
00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:02,860
But that was when I'd
been wrestling with a badger.
241
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,820
Do you think you could introduce me?
242
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:09,620
To the badger?
Sadly, he's no longer with us.
243
00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:11,620
No, to Jonny Keogh.
244
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:16,300
I work with his missus at the bakery.
She don't like me. Women don't.
245
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,540
I threaten 'em...
246
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:19,820
with knives and stuff.
247
00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:24,980
Oh, I could introduce you,
on one condition.
248
00:15:24,980 --> 00:15:26,580
Oh yeah, what's that then?
249
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:30,580
You want free Vimto? Two conditions.
250
00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:31,740
See you in a bit.
251
00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:40,860
Better now? They say people change
towards you when you're celebrated
but I never thought it of YOU.
252
00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:43,380
And back we go.
Wait wait wait wait wait!
253
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:46,780
What would the public think if
they saw me sprawled on the floor
254
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,220
like some drunken Pop Idol.
You are not famous!
255
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:52,540
You're just
on the front page for one day.
256
00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:54,620
And I'll be on the front page
tomorrow.
257
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,300
I've called a press conference.
258
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:58,060
I've invited all the press Gaz,
259
00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:01,340
The Runcorn World, The Runcorn
Weekly News. All both of 'em.
260
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:04,740
My convincing disguise!
261
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,780
Look, I asked you here to erm...
262
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:15,980
I've got a problem.
It's a big problem, but...
263
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:18,860
I can't talk to you if
you're acting stupid and starry!
264
00:16:21,540 --> 00:16:24,940
What kind of problem? Worse than
nearly having your leg blown off?
265
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:29,180
No one wanting to know,
when you just want to talk about how
close you were to dying,
266
00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:30,700
and the only one who cares
267
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:35,780
is a snotty reporter who wants to
take pictures of your open wounds
268
00:16:35,780 --> 00:16:37,420
Is it worse than that Gaz? Is it?
269
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:42,140
Yeah.
270
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:46,660
My...
271
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:50,420
MUFFLED: ..(impotence) is back.
272
00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:53,380
Eh?
273
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:56,940
My...
274
00:16:56,940 --> 00:16:59,260
MUFFLED: ..(impotence) is back.
275
00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:07,700
Pardon?
276
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,700
My...(impotence) is back.
277
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,500
SHOUTING: Your impotence is back?
278
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:17,300
Christ that is worse! Yes, I know!
279
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:21,900
I would rather have both legs shot
off and eat a grenade sandwich than
280
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:24,620
In fact, I would rather
have been born without legs.
281
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:27,420
Then have pioneering surgery
to attach bionic legs,
282
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:30,260
then have them
chewed off by hungry ants than that.
283
00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:33,300
I do know this. I need to know
what I can do about it.
284
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:36,940
Well to me, you need to think back
285
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:39,540
to what cured your...(impotency)
286
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:42,940
in the first place and it
would work again, wouldn't it?
287
00:17:42,940 --> 00:17:45,780
That's the problem,
it was Philip that cured it.
288
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:50,900
You know, dark guy.
289
00:17:51,980 --> 00:17:53,740
Fancied Donna.
290
00:17:55,060 --> 00:17:57,940
I got angry at him and inflamed
myself.
291
00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:01,060
Cured my impotency.
292
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:02,780
0h, him!
293
00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:06,900
He was fit. If I was Donna I would
have gone off with him.
294
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:12,660
He was just gorgeous,
and brainy too. He was just perfect.
295
00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:15,820
Anything going on down there?
296
00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:19,820
No, but I'm not nearly so angry
that you fancy him, Jonny.
297
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:22,900
That's what you have to do,
get yourself angry at him again.
298
00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:27,740
Yeah, you might be onto something
there.
299
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:33,100
Maybe I could get him round the
300
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:39,660
Not fully erect, just...
301
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,540
Exactly.
302
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:44,980
Now if you'll excuse me I have a
press conference to prepare for.
303
00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:47,220
And I need to convince Janet to let
me do it.
304
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:51,260
And I have pilates in half an hour.
I can't wait to find out what it is.
305
00:19:04,140 --> 00:19:05,940
OK, fellas.
306
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:08,260
Who's first?
307
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:15,580
To me, to you.
308
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,020
Louise, I'm so sorry.
309
00:19:27,020 --> 00:19:29,100
Oh, Janet!
310
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,780
It's been terrible.
311
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:34,100
I hadn't realised you were still
312
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,180
What with the funeral and Jonny's
stupid press conference.
313
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:39,300
And the memorial fountain
for his leg.
314
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:44,420
I just thought someone would have
bailed you out by now,
your mum or Donna.
315
00:19:44,420 --> 00:19:47,740
Mum said she quite liked the house
without me in it.
316
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:51,900
She says she could eat as many of
317
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:54,780
I'll get you out of here.
318
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:59,340
Really? Will you dress me up as a
washerwoman and smuggle me out in
319
00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:01,580
I was just going to put the bail
320
00:20:01,580 --> 00:20:03,820
But we can still play that
when we get home.
321
00:20:03,820 --> 00:20:06,420
What I don't understand is
what you did.
322
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:11,700
They mentioned something about GBH,
incitement? Erm...erm...
323
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:15,380
What is an incitement? Is it taping
the top 40? Cos I am buggered.
324
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:18,660
What did you do?
325
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:21,900
Janet, get me out of here
326
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:25,220
before they give me some more of
that stuff they call "grub".
327
00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:31,180
Good, you're out of bed.
328
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:34,140
Put that pornography down,
329
00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:36,740
These are pictures of my mother.
330
00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,900
0h, so they are, yeah.
331
00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:44,460
I am so very sorry.
332
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,580
Well she does look kind of sexy in
them.
333
00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:49,340
I suppose from a distance
it could look like porn.
334
00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:50,380
No, it's not that,
335
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:53,740
I just spent a large portion of last
year masturbating over them.
336
00:20:57,740 --> 00:21:01,300
Anyway Donna,
I've reached a decision.
337
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,300
I want you to phone Philip.
338
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:06,620
I think if you can get him to leave
a message on our answer phone,
339
00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:08,700
I'll get so angry with him that...
Uh!
340
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,140
You know.
341
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:11,500
OK.
342
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:14,180
If you're sure?
343
00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:15,660
Yep.
344
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,060
Hi Philip, it's Donna.
345
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:29,180
Look, can you phone back because
my oven just pinged. Thanks, bye.
346
00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:35,340
My oven pinged?!
347
00:21:35,340 --> 00:21:37,060
PHONE RINGS
348
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:47,980
'You've reached Donna and Gaz.
My mum's dead.'
349
00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,660
CRYING
350
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,300
ANSWERPHONE BEEPS
351
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:57,380
'Donna hi, I am
really sorry about your mum.
352
00:21:57,380 --> 00:21:59,100
'Jesus, I didn't know.
353
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:04,980
'Look, if there is anything I can do,
anything, even if it's just getting
in some shopping or mowing the lawn.
354
00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:07,420
'Phone me if you need me, OK?'
355
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,540
So did it work?
356
00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:12,500
Are you angry and horny, like me?
357
00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:17,420
How could I be angry with that?
358
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,180
What?
359
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:23,820
How nice he was being, his little
voice, it was lovely.
360
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,580
I just wish we had a lawn for him to
mow.
361
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,020
Watch the hair, I've got a press
conference to think of.
362
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,380
For God's sake Jonny,
fame is not important.
363
00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:44,260
You being healthy and well is what
364
00:22:44,260 --> 00:22:47,660
Gordon Burns wants to do an interview
365
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:51,060
Oh my God, I love him. So you're
366
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:53,020
What am I going to wear?
Is my hair OK?
367
00:22:53,020 --> 00:22:55,620
Will they send a car? Gordon Burns!
So it's OK?
368
00:22:55,620 --> 00:22:58,980
Gordon Burns, Gordon Burns!
Finally, thank you! Thank you.
369
00:22:58,980 --> 00:23:01,980
Ahem! Excuse me,
don't I get a big thank you?
370
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:05,500
Being shot in the leg could be the
best thing that ever happened to us.
371
00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:07,140
God bless offensive weaponry.
372
00:23:07,140 --> 00:23:10,220
Excuse me, don't I get any credit?
373
00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:12,300
Not for getting me shot in the
leg, no.
374
00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:15,500
That was Dave, Dave from
Preston. Short fellow, wonky eye.
375
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,180
Thank you Dave!
376
00:23:17,180 --> 00:23:20,860
Dave? I am not having Dave getting
all my credit. Or this Gordy.
377
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:22,260
What do you think I am?
378
00:23:22,260 --> 00:23:25,620
It's me that deserves the praise
379
00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:29,020
Me, me, me. Come on, all hail
Louise.
380
00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:31,580
What? Oh!
381
00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:33,980
Janet, come back!
382
00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:38,820
Have you seen Bad Girls?
Have you seen Prisoner Cell Block H?
383
00:23:38,820 --> 00:23:43,740
Have you seen Fame Academy?
It's good isn't it?
384
00:23:57,780 --> 00:23:58,940
Hello, Gary.
385
00:23:58,940 --> 00:24:00,100
Aaah!
386
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:05,380
Donna! What are you doing?
387
00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:07,460
I am not Donna. I am Philip
388
00:24:07,460 --> 00:24:11,500
and I am the man that wants to sleep
with your girlfriend, ha ha ha!
389
00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:16,500
Are you angry yet?
390
00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:21,540
Angry? I'm a bit puzzled.
391
00:24:23,020 --> 00:24:26,660
Oh yes,
392
00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:28,860
We'll see about that.
393
00:24:28,860 --> 00:24:31,140
I'm far, far more intelligent
than you,
394
00:24:31,140 --> 00:24:33,540
some may even say better looking.
395
00:24:33,540 --> 00:24:36,940
Hold on! That is just hurtful.
396
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:42,580
Sorry love. ..You must admit that I
am far cleverer than you,
397
00:24:42,580 --> 00:24:47,300
and that is what Donna really wants.
Or is it?
398
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:48,980
No is not, it's bloody not,
399
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:52,180
she wants sex and my stupidity
goes hand in hand with sex.
400
00:24:52,180 --> 00:24:54,340
I'll do anything and will do it
for hours.
401
00:24:54,340 --> 00:24:55,660
And can you do it now?
402
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,340
Look - yes I can!
403
00:24:57,340 --> 00:24:59,460
It worked, my plan worked!
404
00:24:59,460 --> 00:25:01,380
I guess it did.
405
00:25:02,740 --> 00:25:04,540
I took a leap of faith there, Gaz,
406
00:25:04,540 --> 00:25:06,580
that could have put you off me for
life.
407
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,140
But no, ha ha, I am sex itself.
408
00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:11,860
I cured you and we didn't even
need Dr Ruth or Raj Persaud,
409
00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:14,340
or freeze frames
of body wash commercials.
410
00:25:14,340 --> 00:25:18,500
You're a genius Donna, the mask was
a godsend. You're a proper genius.
411
00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:24,020
Oh, yeah!
412
00:25:25,980 --> 00:25:27,500
Are you ready?
413
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:29,180
To face your public? Yeah.
414
00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:30,580
Yes, of course.
415
00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:32,420
I can't wait to get recognised.
416
00:25:32,420 --> 00:25:34,860
"Spotted, Janet Smith,
walking on hill.
417
00:25:34,860 --> 00:25:37,460
"Spotted, Janet Smith,
shopping for peas."
418
00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:42,500
Come on then, I want to see what
sponsorship deals we can get.
419
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,660
Janet and Jonny, faces of sports.
420
00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:58,340
Where are they?
421
00:26:00,820 --> 00:26:03,780
I don't know.
They said they'd be here.
422
00:26:03,780 --> 00:26:08,740
0h no, now I'm not going to
get to record that cover song.
423
00:26:08,740 --> 00:26:12,540
RAPS IN R&B STYLE
424
00:26:12,540 --> 00:26:15,700
Shall we give them 10 more minutes?
425
00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:21,980
No, it's over for me.
I'm waning. Let's go home.
426
00:26:21,980 --> 00:26:24,900
You can still do your standing
up for me, if you like.
427
00:26:37,260 --> 00:26:39,060
Fame was never that great, anyway.
428
00:26:40,620 --> 00:26:43,180
Not even when that girl
offered me a blow-job.
429
00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:45,940
That was me.
430
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:49,260
What shall we get you for your tea?
431
00:26:49,260 --> 00:26:51,460
Can we have egg butties?
432
00:26:51,460 --> 00:26:53,860
Yes.
433
00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:56,780
Yes. What's for afters?
434
00:26:56,780 --> 00:26:59,740
Some sugar in sandwiches.
435
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:03,140
And can we play Rummikub
and get bladdered on cider?
436
00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:06,220
Yes. Oh, the simple life!
437
00:27:12,060 --> 00:27:15,140
Here in Runcorn, the crowd is
awaiting the arrival
438
00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:18,980
of the unexplainable hero,
local fool, Jonny Keogh.
439
00:27:18,980 --> 00:27:22,180
Join us again later, when we'll
bring you highlights
440
00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:26,460
of this unfathomable little man
and this unfathomable little town.
441
00:27:26,460 --> 00:27:29,900
Gordon Burns, North West Tonight,
Runcorn.
442
00:27:31,980 --> 00:27:35,260
Munch, do you believe in ghosts?
443
00:27:35,260 --> 00:27:39,180
They're out there, Janet.
I can't leave the house.
444
00:27:39,180 --> 00:27:41,060
Why can't you just leave me alone?
445
00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:44,180
Police sniper!
446
00:27:45,060 --> 00:27:46,900
What are you doing? Ah!
447
00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:49,940
No-o-o-o!
448
00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:52,740
I want to live with you,
I want to be with you,
449
00:27:52,740 --> 00:27:54,860
I just can't live my life scared.
34246
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