Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Well?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a hush falls over the whole of Las Vegas...

as Diamond Jack Tripper, the gambling fool,

decides whether or not to risk his entire fortune on the turn of a single card.

Hit me. And he's done it!

Bust! Aw.

Hey, listen, speaking of busts, how are you making out...

with that blonde in your cooking class?

Inga, the Swedish girl?

- She's Swedish? - Oh, yeah.

Look out! Huh. I mean, even their sandwiches are topless.

Hurt me. Huh?

Hit me. Oh. Well, tell me, tell me. Does she speak English?

I don't know. The only word I ever heard her use was "No."

Oh, Jack, I'm disappointed in you.

I mean, if you can't score with a Swedish

chick, you might as well turn in your badge.

I can't even get her to go out with me. I'll stay.

You know, Swedish girls are very polite.

When they go out with a guy, they usually like to round off the evening...

by saying thank you in the nicest possible way.

Yeah, well, my life is all "Please" and "No, thank you."

You ought to wine and dine her.

A beautiful fox like that is not gonna say thank you...

for an Egg McMuffin and fries.

Twenty-one. Well, an Egg McMuffin's all I can afford,

and I can't even afford that now.

- Hi. - Hey, babe. - Hi, Janet.

Oh, Jack, you shouldn't play cards with Larry.

He's a much better cheat than you are.

I resent that remark. Oh?

And since I am three dollars ahead, I think I shall leave.

Oh. Uh, Lar. Huh?

- Don't forget your marked cards. - Oh. Thanks.

I'll see you at The Regal Beagle later.

Oh, Janet. Janet, Janet. It's been such a lousy morning.

You're the only one I can turn to. Oh!

Jack, please. I have been dealing with maniac customers all morning.

Don't come to me for sympathy. I don't want sympathy.

I want affection. Oh! Well, uh, down, boy.

You like me better than your boss, don't ya?

Well, yeah... Get up here.

Yes, Jack, I do, but what does that have to do with anything?

Well, you gave up your whole Saturday morning for him.

What I'm after won't take that long.

Yes, it will. I am very passionate. Are you?

Oh, yes.

- Good morning, you two. - Good morning.

Hi, Chrissy. You're gonna be late for work.

I have been to work, Chrissy, and come back.

Really? How time flies when you're asleep.

Well, I would gladly have traded places with you.

But you don't get a bonus when you're lying in bed, you know?

Not when you lock the bedroom door.

A bonus? You wanna hear what my boss gave me for a bonus...

for working late every night this week...

and for coming in on Saturday morning?

Two lousy tickets to a Frank Sinatra concert.

Well, you can't win 'em... He gave you what?

You gotta be kidding! No, no. Somebody gave them to him.

And he can't go, right? So he gives them to me for a bonus.

Oh, Jack! They're for tomorrow night, the front row! Oh!

Frank Sinatra's no Egg McMuffin.

Any girl would say thank you for Frank Sinatra.

Well, not me, thank you. You're joking?

No. I'm kinda into Stevie Wonder myself.

Besides, I gotta wash my hair tomorrow night. Instead of Frank Sinatra?

Let him wash his own hair.

Tell you what I'm gonna do, Janet.

Seeing as how it's such a shame to waste these tickets.

How about if I... You and I could each have one.

Chrissy! I've got an even better idea. What?

Why don't I take both of them? No!

Would you just... Whoa, whoa. Just one moment.

Now, let me get this straight here.

You would each like to have these tickets?

Yeah! Yes! Uh-uh-uh-uh.

I would like to have a cup of coffee.

Coming up. My department, I believe.

And I think that I would like a cookie with that coffee.

I'll get that for you! Keep your hands off my cookies.

Here you go, Janet dear.

Mmm! Well, thank you, Jack dear.

Could I do something for you? Maybe I could make your bed. I already made it.

Well, I could mess it up and make it for you again.

Uh, Janet, uh,

how about if I put your poor little tired feet up for you? Ah!

I could do that too. Aah!

Here you are, Janet. There's your coffee, just like you like it...

Strong, with one sugar.

You expect me to stir it? Oh, I can do...

Chrissy. Thank you. How thoughtless of me.

There you go, sweetheart.

Thank you, Jack.

Yeah, that's nice, huh? Oh. Mmm, yeah.

Yeah? Mm, thank you, Chrissy.

Mm-mm. Oh, my, my.

This is gonna be a wonderful day.

You're a pretty little boy, aren't you?

You know what today is?

Today's the day you get some nice clean sand...

to do your little poopsies on.

Come on. Come on, say it.

Stanley. Stanley.

- What are you doing? - I'm makin' a noise like a parakeet.

It's the only way to get your attention.

I'd sprout feathers if I could.

But he gets lonely this time of year. He likes me to talk to him.

Well, what about me? I get lonely all-year long.

I wish you'd talk to me the way you talk to that bird.

Well, okay.

You're a pretty little boy, aren't you?

Oh, Stanley.

You know, I bet you don't even remember what tomorrow is.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Sunday.

So far, so good.

Now think.

It only happens once a year.

Once a year.

- You don't mean... - No, not that.

Oh, Stanley! Do I have to remind you...

every time an anniversary comes around?

Anniversary! Anniversary! Uh, um...

V.J. Day. Stanley!

W-Wedding anniversary! Wedding anniversary. Of course.

Is it? I meant to tie a knot in something to remind me.

I'd have given you a hand.

By the way, Janet, what did you think about that fabulous dinner...

I cooked especially for you tonight?

Oh, well, it wasn't too bad, Jack. Maybe a little too much salt though.

Too much salt? You don't know what you're...

You're absolutely right.

Too much salt.

Here, I'll get you another drink. Thank you.

Hi. Want a peanut? Oh. Thank you, baby.

Thank you so much. Janet, why don't you just give the Sinatra tickets to me?

I can scalp 'em for 50 bucks. Scalp 'em?

All right, look, I'll tell you the truth.

Now, usually, I don't like people knowing what a soft-hearted guy I am.

But there is this little old lady...

who sells pencils down by the pier.

Only the other day, she said to me,

"Young master," she said,

"my one remaining wish before I die...

is to see Frank Sinatra."

And you'd give her the tickets?

No, Chrissy. He would sell them to her for 50 bucks.

- Oh. Hard, Janet. Hard. - Keep your thieving mind off of those tickets, Larry.

I've invested a lot of crawling in them.

Excuse me, Chrissy. I believe that's my seat. Thank you. Oh!

Here's your beer, honey. It's all paid for, okay?

Anything else you want, you just tell me. Okay.

Mind if I join you? Not at all. Sit down.

Chrissy, how about a game of darts?

Okay. And don't forget your money.

Mm. Guess what I got in the shoe box.

Wait. Don't tell me. Is it bigger than a bread box?

It's a parakeet. I'm giving it to Helen for our wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Wait a minute. You already got a parakeet.

Well, this is a hen.

- What I got at home is a... a, um... - Boy parakeet?

Right, right. I figure since I'm giving Helen a present anyway,

I might as well give him something too.

Don't you think flowers or candy would be better?

No. I thought I might try mating with her.

Mrs. Roper should like that.

Anyway, the point is, I want it to be a surprise for Helen.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

So if you'd take this upstairs with you until tomorrow? Me?

Oh, no. Mr. Roper... Thanks a lot. You're a very sweet kid, Janet.

No. Mr. Roper... I... Thank you.

Ah. Jack,

I don't know anything about taking care of a parakeet.

Oh, it's easy, Janet. Just put it in a cage,

give it some food and water and a little sandpaper on the bottom.

Ooh. That sounds painful.

No.

Don't worry about this. I'll take care of it for you.

I'd do anything for you and your lovely brown eyes.

You mean for lovely "Blue Eyes."

No. Please let me have...

Jack! Oh, my.

Back behind the ear? You got it.

Ooh! Oh, Jack. You're not allowed to touch it!

You're gonna get a little surprise tomorrow.

There's no sense in asking me what it is.

I said it's a surprise.

Oh, Stanley, I've just been going through my jewelry box. Your what?

The thing I keep my rubber bands and safety pins in. Oh.

Well, you can stop hinting, Helen.

I already got you your anniversary present. You did?

Yeah. What is it?

If I didn't tell the bird, I'm not gonna tell you.

What? It's a surprise.

Oh, come on, Stanley. Give me a hint.

Uh, what color is it?

Yellow. Yellow.

Like gold?

Kind of.

Would it by any chance go on my finger?

It might... with a little encouragement.

Oh, Stanley! I'm not gonna say any more.

Oh, you don't have to!

Oh, you sweet thing. I'm gonna make you a nice hot cup of cocoa.

I'm even gonna answer the door.

Hi, Chrissy. Hi.

What can I do for you? Well, I wanted Mr. Roper.

There he is. Help yourself.

He's such a generous man.

Mr. Roper, your wife seems so happy.

Yeah. She's not herself today.

What do you want me for? Well, it's about the parakeet. You see...

Shh! I don't want her to hear it. She might get overly excited.

Oh. Well, we don't have any food for the bird.

Oh. No problem. No problem.

Oh, but, Chrissy, I'm forgetting my manners.

Would you like a cup of cocoa?

Oh, no, thanks. I just came up here to get some food for the...

Food for themselves, upstairs. See, they ran short. Good-bye, Chrissy.

Oh, wait a minute.

- Birdseed? - Yeah. That's very good for you.

It's got vitamins and-and proteins in there.

I'm sure it's very good. Oh, you bet it is.

Mmm! Birdseed?

Mmm! Delicious. Delicious.

What do you think, Jack? You think she needs anything? Uh, I'll ask her.

Do you need anything?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

She says she wants two tickets to the Frank Sinatra concert.

Chrissy. Is that all birdseed?

Oh, no. It's half a roast chicken from Mrs. Roper.

Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy.

- What happened to the birdseed? - Mr. Roper ate it.

I'll see if I can find something for this in the kitchen.

Aren't you going to take her out of the box? What for?

Well, for some fresh air. The poor thing's been cooped up in there so long.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Come here, little... Ow! It bit me.

Oh, she knows the hand of a groper when she feels it.

You come here. Come here. That's... Come here. Yes.

Ah, you sweet little teeny... Let me see. Let me see.

Let me see. There it is.

I'm gonna give you a lot of bread crumbs so you can grow up to be nice and fat...

like your friends Janet and Chrissy.

Bite him again.

- Hi. - Hi. - Hi there.

I thought you might like some, uh,

some apple pie for dessert.

Oh. Oh. Mrs. Roper.

Wow. So nice of you to bring a pie. Thank you.

I baked it myself.

Oh, boy. Of course,

I know it won't be as good as yours, Jack.

Oh, come on. I'm sure your pie will be just as goo...

Are you all right?

Is something wrong with him?

No. He, uh, is just laughing at a joke I told him before you came in.

And he's just getting it?

He's very slow. Yeah.

What... What was that?

Oh, I'm just practicing my birdcalls.

Here, bird.

Well, enjoy your pie.

We will.

Jack.

I think he's coming down with something.

Mmm! Good pie.

Good-bye.

Back in the box you go!

Boy, I sure am glad that we didn't spoil Mrs. Roper's surprise.

Yeah. That's a good bird imitation, Jack. Yeah.

Oh, no. What?

- Come in. - Good morning.

Oh! Coffee, toast and the Sunday paper...

Just for you, Janet.

- Well, what about me? - Oh. Good morning to you too.

Janet, one sugar, and I'm stirring it, see? Yeah, I see.

Your toast. You can have it with butter or butter and jam...

or just jam or plain, or you can mix the butter and jam together.

I'll do that for you... whatever your little heart desires.

Oh, boy. You are still trying to get on my good side, huh?

I think both sides are good.

You don't fool me, Jack. I know what you're after.

Yeah, well, so do I, and I'll tell you, Jack,

you have really earned it, so here you go.

Oh, Janet, thank you. I don't ever know how... There's only one.

Yeah. I gave the other one to Chrissy.

Coffee, toast and the Sunday paper...

Just for you, Chrissy.

Would you like some jam? Mm-hmm.

Hello. Hello? What about me?

Oh, there's plenty left in the kitchen.

Well, thanks a lot, Jack. Just thank you very much.

That is just like a man.

A girl gives you what you want, you drop her like a hot potato.

Chrissy, I... No.

No, what? No ticket. That's what.

I wanna keep it for myself.

- Chrissy, do you love your country? - Well, of course I do.

Well, you see, there's this little Swedish girl...

How little?

Huh? Well, she's, uh... She's average little.

A little more average in some places than others, but average.

- I see. - No, you don't see, Chrissy.

Now, I promised to take this sweet little Swede to see Sinatra.

What's she gonna think when I don't?

Don't interrupt.

Chrissy, to her, I am America.

Now, if I break my promise, she's gonna go back to Sweden...

and say that Americans are liars.

In Sweden, this sort of thing spreads fast.

It's a very small country.

Next thing you know, they'll break off relations with us.

No more Nobel Prizes. No more operations.

And all because you didn't give me your ticket.

Oh, my. ♪ O beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves... ♪♪ Oh, here! Take it!

Chrissy, you are a great patriot.

No. I just love a good lie when I hear one.

I won't forget this.

Oh, Frankie.

I did it my way.

♪ I been a puppet, a pauper a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king ♪

♪ I've been up and down and over and out ♪

♪ And I know one thing ♪

♪ Each time I find myself ♪

♪ Flat... ♪♪ Hello, Inga?

Jack. How would you like to go see Frank Sinatra tonight?

Of course with me.

You would? Fabulous. I'll pick you up...

No, no. Everything's just fine.

I'll call you later.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What's the matter?

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Janet, it was an accident. Oh!

Maybe it's all right. Parakeets are supposed to be very strong.

I don't hear any breathing.

Maybe it's holding its breath. Why don't you open it and see?

You open it. You did it.

Good morning. Good morning. Hi.

You got my parakeet?

Helen's coming up in a minute, and I wanna

give her her present in front of everybody.

Mr. Roper, it's about your parakeet.

Well, uh, it's not altogether well.

What's wrong with my bird?

Well, uh,

more or less, everything.

Ja... Jack sat on it.

What?

Mr. Roper, I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

I... I... Oh, my God. What am I gonna do?

If I don't give Helen a present, I'll never hear the end of it.

Here I am! I'm ready for my surprise.

Helen. Helen, about your surprise...

Mr. Roper, wait. Wait a second. Shouldn't she

close her eyes and put her hand out first?

Oh, yeah. Jack's right. That's the way to do it.

Oh! Two tickets...

to the Frank Sinatra concert!

Oh, they're like gold.

Oh, Stanley, how did you manage to get them?

It wasn't easy.

Oh! Come on, Stanley.

I wanna go downstairs and-and pick out the clothes...

I'm gonna wear to the concert.

Oh, you know, I remember just swooning over Frankie when I was a teenager.

He's not that old, is he?

Well, Jack honey, I guess you're not gonna get that thank you from your girlfriend.

I almost forgot about the parakeet.

Chrissy, don't touch this box. Why not?

Because it's... Empty?

Well, of course it is. I couldn't leave the poor little thing in there all night.

I let it loose to fly around in the bathroom.

Oh, boy.

No, Jack! Chrissy, get back! Back, back!

Jack! Jack! Jack, stay calm.

Control yourself!

♪♪

Hi.

- How does this look, Stanley? - I like it.

Happy anniversary!

Oh, how sweet!

What is it? It's a lady parakeet.

It's alive?

No, Stanley. They're giving us a dead parakeet.

Oh, that's wonderful. I'll put it in the cage with the other one,

and then they can... do what comes naturally.

What's that, Stanley?

You know.

Would you excuse us?

I want Stanley to refresh my memory.

Come on, Stanley.

Whoa! Whoo!

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles