Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Stand back. You come one step

closer, and I jump. I swear it, I'll jump.

Harry! Harry! Don't jump!

Think of me, the kids. Harry, don't jump!

What are you doing? Harry's gonna jump!

Oh, I'm sorry, Janet. Were you watching that?

Jack! Oh, look. Mary, it's fantastic.

- Now they're in commercial! - My life has changed. No matter what I do,

my dentures stay firmly in place.

I don't have to be embarrassed to eat things like apples,

candy caramel, corn on the cob.

I owe it all to...

Wonder Glue!

The sticky stuff that sticks and stays stuck.

Give that back. Give me it!

♪♪ Oh, no! You made me miss the end of the movie!

- I'm never gonna know what Harry did. - Oh, come on, Janet.

Why are we watching this junk for anyway?

We should be doing something useful with our time before the end comes.

- "The end"? - Yeah, the next ice age.

I read that the glaciers are advancing upon

us at the rate of a half an inch every year.

- Oh, as fast as that, huh? - Yeah.

So, while we're waiting, Yeah?

Why don't you and I...

No dice!

It would have been a lovely way to go.

Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away! Get away, channel-changer!

I thought it was fabulous. I really did.

You're sure you enjoyed it? Oh, I loved it, honestly.

Oh, I thought you two were gonna be in bed by now.

Not for lack of trying.

Well, Neil, this is Jack. Hi, Jack.

Hello, Neil. And this is Janet.

Hi. Sorry.

Well, been doing anything interesting?

Well, Neil took me to his film society.

They were showing scenes from The Battleship

Potemkin that weren't in the movie.

Two hours of all the footage that Eisenstein left on the cutting room floor.

Oh, I think that answers my question.

Well, I thought it was fabulous. I really did.

Honestly? Honestly.

You really did? I thought it was fabulous, honestly.

Honestly? Honestly.

I think I'll go make myself some coffee.

- So, it was a good evening? - Honestly.

Oh, yes, I just love viewing archive material.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Chrissy said you were interested in rotten old films.

- I didn't say it like that! - Yes, you did.

I did not. Actually, it's a good point though, Chrissy.

Most of those films are on old nitrate stock. They don't last long.

Two hours sounds long enough to me.

Well, the thing about "Einstein's" films is that... Uh, "Eisenstein."

See, Einstein did the Theory of Relativity.

Was that a silent or a talkie?

No, uh, Chrissy, it's... Uh...

Jack, don't you wanna go in the kitchen and help Janet make some coffee?

What for?

Oh, right, yeah. Got ya.

I'll leave you two to get it on.

I'm sorry. I mean, to get on with it. Oh, there I go again.

Look, I'll be in here if you need me.

Don't worry. No one will disturb you. Go ahead.

Everybody in this building minds his own business.

You see, I have this philosophy...

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho!

Stanley!

I wanna have a word with you, Helen.

Why are you bringing your tools to bed?

You've been going through my tool chest. There's some things missing in there.

Oh, you mean the dirty magazines.

They're not dirty. They're art.

Yeah, they're full of busts.

I only buy them for the articles on male fashions and automobiles.

- What have you done with them? - I tied them in a bundle...

and gave them to the Salvation Army.

You what?

Helen, one of these days, you're gonna make me come after you.

God knows I try.

What's that funny smell?

That's my new perfume.

It's called Now or Never.

Well, it's half right anyway.

- It's happening again! - What?

I have been reading the funeral notices all week.

They're so interesting. Everybody dies in alphabetical order.

Chrissy honey, you see...

I'll get it. Okay, good.

Boy, some of the things that girl comes up with.

Yeah. It's scary, but sometimes she's right.

Maybe we should change our names to something beginning with a "Z."

Oh, right, Jack.

What are you gonna call yourself? Jack Zipper?

No. I wouldn't like people going around saying,

"Hey, fella, your name is open."

It's for me! It's from home! Oh, boy!

What is it? It's not my birthday or anything.

Oh, thank God. I was beginning to feel guilty already.

It's a camera!

A movie camera. Wow-wee!

What on earth would make my parents do a thing like that?

The only thing I mentioned to them in my last letter...

was that I was dating a nice Methodist boy who liked films.

Great. Next time, tell them you're going out with a banker.

This is so terrific. I'll have so much fun with it when I... learn now to use it.

Yeah. Uh, Chrissy, lesson number one.

See? Okay.

Oh, hi, Janet.

Oh, boy, that felt good.

Nothing like a nice, brisk walk around the block first thing in the morning.

I thought you went upstairs to fix the window in the kids' apartment.

Later.

Have you got something on your face?

It's a mud pack.

I like it. You should always wear it.

You're wasting your time, Stanley.

Insults bounce right off me.

A brick would bounce off that stuff.

Don't touch it!

I'm not supposed to move my face.

That stuff's getting very popular. I saw

someone wearing it on television the other day.

- Really? - Yeah. Lon Chaney in The Mummy's Curse.

Well, he's got his curse.

I've got you.

Well, I think I'll take a quick shower.

In your raincoat?

Of course not. I'll hang it up when I get in there.

- So you just went out for a nice, brisk walk, huh, Stanley? - Yeah, that's right.

- Nothing else, huh? - No, nothing else.

Are you finished with your third degree? Maybe I'll take my shower now.

And while you're in there, you might as well give those dirty magazines a bath too.

Wh... What dirty magazines?

The ones you've got in your pockets.

Oh, you mean, Popular Mechanics and the Reader's Digest?

Show them to me. I just told you what they were.

I don't have to show them to you. Oh, go fix your windows.

Okay.

Don't just sit there. Do something interesting.

Uh, okay.

Let's see. Yeah.

No! No, not that interesting.

I can't think of anything else to do.

Come here. You can never think of anything else to do.

Hold everything. He does not have his makeup on yet.

Sit down, Jack. Sit, sit. Oh, what is this?

Just a little face powder to help your nose not shine. Are you sure we need it?

Yes, I'm sure. Close your eyes, please.

Close, close. All right. What's this?

This is just what they use when you're taking pictures.

Just help the eyes stand out.

Why is she laughing? I don't know.

What is this? Just a little bit of eye shadow.

That's it. I'm walking off the set. Cancel my contract.

Oh, no! That's great. Oops.

That's good. Action! Stop following me.

That's terrific. Now, come here. Do something natural.

I'm about to.

And you're not going to take pictures.

Oh, Janet, do something? What, honey?

Um, arrange those flowers.

Chrissy, I already did that.

What? Chrissy...

Okay, now, laugh. Laugh, yeah. Chrissy! Laugh?

More Laughter.

Okay, cut! Ha-ha, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, that was great.

Tomorrow I'm gonna put some film in the camera. Ooh, Chrissy!

Ooh! Next time,

will you please date a stamp collector?

Hi, Mr. Roper. I came up to fix your broken window.

Oh, good. Say, is it raining outside?

- No. - Oh. Oh.

Hi, Mr. Roper.

He came up to, um... He came up to fix the broken window.

- Is it raining outside? - No.

Oh.

Is something wrong with your face?

Oh, no. It's just a little eye shadow.

Do you like it?

"Eye shadow"?

I'll show you the broken window. It's in my room.

I-I'll find it myself.

Be my guest.

Hurry it up, Chrissy. I gotta go to the game with Larry tonight.

I'm nearly finished. Oh, I hope you like it, Neil.

I probably made quite a few mistakes.

Hey, Chrissy, don't tear yourself apart.

I'm sure your movie will deserve to be hidden away in the archives.

Well, thank you, Jack.

Hi, Jack. You ready to go?

Larry, I can't go to the game with you just yet.

I promised Chrissy I'd stay and watch her home movies first.

Come on. The game starts in 15 minutes.

I know. It won't take long. Larry, this is Chrissy's friend, Neil.

Neil collects old sprocket holes.

Okay, sit down. Here we go.

Oh, here's where I decide to put some action in it.

Here's Janet going to the beach.

Oh, here's the part where Janet loses the top of her bikini!

Well, it wasn't such a good shot, really.

No, not really.

Well, how'd you like it?

Me? Uh-huh.

I thought it was very, uh, very, uh, interesting.

Mm-hmm. That's the word.

It was, uh, interesting. Oh!

I'm so glad you like it, because I've got six more reels of it.

Janet, I didn't know you were in there having a bath.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry. We should get this lock fixed.

I mean, it could be really embarrassing for you.

Somebody could just come in on you, stand here, gawk at you...

Get out!

You want me out? Yes!

Okay, I'll go. All you had to do was tell me! Get out!

That's all you had to do. You want the door open or... Close that door!

I'll shut it. You want me to shut it? Jack! Get out!

You need more bubbles!

Hi. Hey, Larry. How you doing?

Are the girls up yet? Yeah, Chrissy's getting dressed, and Janet's taking a bath.

She is? What are you doing with the sponge? Yeah.

You know how it is. I have to do everything around here.

Oh, right. What a shame.

Yeah. Listen, about that projector, uh,

can I borrow it for this afternoon?

You'll have to ask Chrissy. Well, she might not approve of, uh,

you know, uh, blue movies.

What? Last week, I met this guy in the Regal Beagle.

Yeah? He's got a friend who's on the vice squad.

Kenneth, his name was. Kenneth what?

Hey, I don't know him well enough to be on last name terms.

Anyway, he's got these really hot films that were confiscated.

They should've been burned. But for only 50 bucks...

I'm not loaning you any money, Larry.

You know, you can be very wounding sometimes, Jack.

I'm not always coming up here to borrow money from you.

You know what I mean? All right. Just lend me 50 bucks, Yeah. I'm sorry.

We'll say no more about it. No way.

Okay, all right. I'll buy the movie myself.

I just need the use of that projector.

He told me that this movie was really hot...

uh, weather we're having this time of year, isn't it?

Huh? Oh, hi. Hi, Jack.

Good morning, Chrissy. Hi. Hi, Chrissy.

Hi. I was wondering about your projector.

Uh, when do you have to return it?

Why? Why? Oh.

Um, well, I was hoping to have another chance of seeing your home movies.

I mean, I enjoyed them so much.

Wow! Thank you.

Oh, darn! I can't show it to you now.

- I have to meet Neil in half an hour. - You're going out?

Yeah. She's going out.

Oh, darn! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, hello, Mr. Roper.

You clipping your bush?

So I am. Very clever.

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Janet.

Ooh, Janet! What?

Are you going out? Yeah.

He's very observant.

I'm going to the laundromat. Oh, that's great.

What? I mean, have a great wash.

Well, thank you, Larry. Oh. Sorry.

Oh. You should be more careful.

Yeah. Uh... "Naked Dreams"? What's this?

- Uh, it's just, uh, just a sort of movie. - Movie?

Yeah. They have this projector upstairs, and...

And you wanna show this sort of a movie on it?

Hey, that's a fantastic idea!

Let me tell you something, as the landlord of this building,

it is my duty to make certain that any films shown in this building...

meet with my approval.

Oh.

And so far, I approve of the title.

Oh! Well, I suppose you could come up...

I'll get my glasses. Right.

Glasses, glasses, glasses, glasses, glasses.

Where'd I put my glasses?

Glasses. Helen.

Helen, have you seen my...

Where'd you find that?

In your new hiding place.

I don't have a hiding place, because I have nothing to hide.

I just put them someplace convenient.

What were you doing on top of the wardrobe anyway?

Cleaning up the dirt.

Helen, I'm in kind of a hurry, so... Look, Stanley,

I'm gonna do my best to try to understand why you read this stuff.

Can we discuss this later, Helen? For the automobiles, right?

What kind of a sports model do you call that?

I... I wouldn't know. I don't read those pages.

Oh, hey!

Hey, there is an article here on a Ferrari.

What's a Ferrari?

It's a car, Stanley.

It's why you bought the magazine, remember?

Oh. Oh, that Ferrari.

Well, see, I didn't get to read that far yet.

It's on page one.

Let me see that.

I don't see any... Ferrari.

It's right there... right next to the girl with the big...

Oh, yeah!

Nice, uh, hubcaps.

Stanley, tell me something,

why do you have to look at pictures like that when you got me around?

You know, all day long, people have been asking me stupid questions.

"Naked Dreams"?

Yeah. That guy... Kenneth, uh, What's-His-Name,

told me this was the real thing.

It's in color too.

Well, flesh color, mostly.

Tell me something, what exactly does this sort of thing do for you?

Oh, come on, Jack. You're as interested in this as I am.

I deny that!

And I'll sit here denying it all through the movie.

Ow! What are you... Chrissy.

Chrissy... Look... Chrissy's home early.

Look at Chrissy, Larry. Look.

Hi, Chrissy.

I've had it with that stupid, boring Neil.

- All he did was talk about my movie. - That's nice.

- Tell me how awful it was. - That's not nice.

I mean, who does he think he is, D.W. "Hitchcocks"?

What?

What's he doing?

Hmm? What... What am I doing? Uh, what am I doing?

Uh... Uh, he's, uh... That.

A this. A that. A this. I'm trying to get this off of that.

Why don't we just forget about the whole thing, and I'll be on my way?

I can do this for you. No, no, no, no, no.

I can see it some other time. It's easy. No problem.

Yeah, Chrissy, there is one problem.

- The laundromat is closed. - Two problems.

Uh... Uh...

Are you all gonna be seeing Chrissy's movie again?

- Yeah. - Oh. I'm going out.

That's a great idea. Chrissy'll go with you. We'll all go.

Larry's the only one who really wants to see this anyway. Well...

I'm not too late for the movie, am I? What?

Uh, he invited me. Oh, fine.

Janet, we can go out some other time. Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- You girls aren't staying, are you? - Well, sure.

I didn't think you'd be interested in this sort of thing.

Of course she's interested. She's in it.

- She's in it? - Yeah. Yeah. And so are Jack and Chrissy.

- You're all in it? - Okay, I think we're ready.

Can you close the door, Mr. Roper?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, there you are!

I thought we finished our little chat, dear.

Yeah. I went to check on the casserole, and he sneaked out on me,

the little devil. I didn't sneak out. I was invited.

- Yeah, to see my home movies. - Home movies?

Oh, Chrissy, could I watch too?

Sure. Helen... Helen, I'm tired.

Why don't we go to bed? No, Stanley.

I'd rather do something we can do together.

Where are the earthquakes when you really need them?

Do something! Me do something? It's your movie.

Okay, here we go.

Wait a minute! Now that we're all here, how about a fast game of hearts or charades?

Larry's got... It sounds like, uh, two scissors cuts...

Cut. Cutthroat. A pirate movie. Uh, Jack?

Cutthroat! Jack! Sit down.

I did my best. That was your best?

♪♪

Guess who!

Woody Woodpecker?

What a nice surprise, Larry.

They always show the cartoon before the main feature.

Fifty bucks for Woody Woodpecker!

The guy took me for 50 bucks!

Thank God for good old Kenneth What's-His-Name.

He really gave you the bird. Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

- I've been standing here two hours. How much longer? - I'm almost finished.

Sorry. Thank you. Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi, Mr. Roper. Hi.

What happened, Mr. Roper? Lose your toilet?

Oh, Jack. Chrissy's new boyfriend is a painter, so...

Oh, so out go the camera and film, in come the paper and charcoal, right?

You got it. Let's look at it.

Can I see it? Oh, good. Sure.

Oh, boy, Chrissy. That's pretty good.

You think so? Yeah.

- Oh, you're gonna love this, Mr. Roper. - Really?

Yeah. Oh, you are not going to believe the likeness.

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles