Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Ow.

Chrissy, when you eat something, what side do you chew on?

The side that's nearest to me.

No, no. See... See, I was at the dentist,

and he said that everybody chews on one side of their mouth more than on the other.

Take a bite. Okay. Let's see...

Don't look at me. Huh?

Well, I can't chew when you're looking at me. I get really self-conscious.

I chew straight up and down in the middle.

Chrissy, that's ridiculous. Only rabbits chew in the middle.

Take another bite.

Don't look at me. I'm not looking. I'm observing.

Well, I'll observe myself in the mirror.

I'll observe myself in the mirror.

Well? I chew on the left.

Yeah?

That's terrible. Why?

That means one side of my mouth is gonna wear out before the other.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Roper. Hi, Janet.

By the time I'm 30, I'm gonna be lopsided.

Well, look, honey. Why don't you try just exercising with the other arm.

No, no. See, Mrs. Roper... Honey, I don't have much time.

I just wanted to warn you...

that Mr. Roper is on the rampage for his rent.

Oh, my goodness. Is it rent time already?

Gee, I didn't know that. Did you, Chrissy?

No.

Well, you know me, Janet. I can never keep track of time.

The rent's ten days overdue. Eleven.

Oh.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't worry you about this,

but Mr. Roper is really upset.

See, he's been looking over the ads in the papers...

and it's given him an idea of how much he can really get for this dump.

Listen, Mrs. Roper, we are gonna pay the rent today as soon as Jack gets home.

- Thanks, Janet. - There's no reason for Mr. Roper to get excited.

Oh, no, not excited. I said he was upset.

Mr. Roper rarely gets excited.

Well, it is a good thing Jack's collecting that $100 Larry owes him.

Yeah, otherwise we'd be out on the street.

- I could kill that Larry. - Hello, street. Here we come.

- You didn't get the $100? - No. He used the $100 I loaned him...

to pay back the 50 he borrowed from another guy.

- What about the other 50? - He said he put it into a savings bank.

And when it makes $50 interest, then he'll have the 100 to pay me back.

- Hey, that's smart. When will that be? - About 1991.

I don't think Mr. Roper will wait that long.

What are we gonna do? Mr. Roper's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah, I know. I just saw Mrs. Roper on the stairs.

Okay. Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

What? We're gonna go to the beach.

What? Might as well have some fun while we're worrying.

No. Get your suits on. Come on. Hup. hup! Suits on!

I left mine outside to dry.

Hello, Jack. Hello. Who are you?

Uncle Fremont! It is Uncle Fremont?

It better be. Otherwise, somebody else has been kissing the girls I love.

Come in. What are you doing in L.A.?

I thought I'd drop in and visit my favorite nephew. I'm your only nephew.

That never stops you from being my favorite.

The last time I heard, you were in Argentina, right? Yep.

How was South America? Very Spanish.

Especially the ladies.

How 'bout the men? Very jealous.

Weren't you in oil down there? Well, I had to get out.

I tried Mexico for a while.

Uh-huh. What were you in there? Hot water.

That's right. I remember my dad wrote me all about that.

And he said then you came back and you finally settled down to live in San Diego.

Don't confuse your terms, dear boy.

You can either settle down or live. You cannot do both. Oh.

Now, I suppose this is your little... I believe you call it a pad.

Well, we call it an apartment.

Your father worries about you, you know, how you're making it on your own,

what you do for recreation...

Jack, I was thinking that maybe if we took a picnic...

- Oh. - Uncle Fremont, this is my friend Janet.

- Uncle? - Friend?

Well, we were, uh, just going to the beach.

Oh! Oh, good.

See, Janet lives here, but it's not what you think.

- All we share is the apartment. - Oh, children, children,

you don't have to explain to me.

You're very lovely, my dear.

Okay, I'm ready.

Chrissy, this is my Uncle Fremont.

Well, how do you do? Alas, not as well as Jack.

You have, um, friends like this dropping in all the time?

Well, actually, Chrissy lives here too. You see, the way we live...

I know how you live, dear boy. You've died and gone to heaven. That's how you live.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hello? What?

Jack, please. I can't hear! What?

Who? Oh, I'm sorry.

Uncle Fremont, it's a woman, Mona Carmichael. Mona!

How in the world... Tell her I...

Tell her I have nothing to say to her.

Who's Mona Carmichael?

Oh, a woman in San Diego trying to get her man.

And you know what they say, Jack?

Stone walls do not a prison make,

but a lovely woman's money is very hard to shake.

Why don't you kids just nip off to the beach while I unpack.

Well, Uncle Fremont, I'm afraid you can't stay here.

There's not much room. Of course he can. What about the sofa?

It's very uncomfortable. You'll get used to it.

Wonderful. Where's your kitchen? It's right through there.

Terrific. Now, while you kids are having fun,

I'll get dinner ready.

Oh, Jack, Jack.

Oh, Jack, I just love your uncle.

He's so full of charm and personality.

Well, I guess it runs in the family.

Really? Wow, who else has got it?

I don't want it to seem like I'm putting my uncle down. I love him. He's a great guy.

But there are a couple of things I think you ought to know about him.

Like what?

Well, he has a habit of giving people gifts he can't afford.

Then how does he pay for them? By checks.

Checks for jewelry, for automobiles.

- Those are good gifts. - I wish I could say the same for the checks.

Oh.

Oh, no, that's Mr. Roper!

Chrissy, calm down. Don't panic until you know who it is. Okay.

Now you can panic. Oh, no.

We'll just put this in your room, Jack. Come on. Uh...

Open up, Jack. I know you're in there.

I recognized your eye.

I want my rent. Oh, Stanley, where are your manners?

When you walk in a room, you say hello first.

Hello! I want my rent!

Don't you ever think of anything but money?

Listen, I hate it when I expect something at a certain time and I don't get it.

I know the feeling.

Mr. Roper, I promise, you'll get your rent very soon.

What do you kids do with all your money?

Well, most of it probably goes in their Swiss bank accounts.

They don't have any expenses. When the girls

go out, their boyfriends pay for everything.

Well, what about Jack?

Same thing.

Mr. Roper, I'd like you to meet my uncle. What?

He's visiting us from San Diego.

Uncle Fremont? Your kitchen is absolutely charming, dear boy!

Uncle Fremont, I'd like you to meet Mr. Roper. He's our landlord.

He's one of the nicest men you could ever meet. Really?

Coming from Jack, that really means something.

What? You know, I'm proud of that boy.

He's turned out just the way I'd hoped.

He has? Yes.

His father's the same way, you know.

He is? Yeah.

I didn't think that sort of thing ran in families.

It's in the blood. You can't escape it.

You mean his type can get married?

Well, happens all the time.

Jack's father's happily married, but that doesn't stop him from having fun.

And his wife doesn't mind?

Not really. She expected that kind of thing.

When they got married, she knew he was a man's man, if you know what I mean.

So long.

- Let's get out of here while we still can. - Hold it!

I want my rent and I want it now.

Does everybody like pork chops?

Why, this building is a miracle...

Just one beautiful woman after another.

Uncle Fremont, this is Mrs. Roper. I'm enchanted.

He sure is.

Mr. Roper. Mr. Roper, here's $200, and I will have my share of the rent very soon.

- That's not good enough. I want it all! - Just a minute.

Am I to understand that all you need is Jack's share of the rent?

That's right... $100.

Well, that seems little enough. Oh, no. No. Uncle Fremont?

One hundred dollars... No, no. No check. No, please.

And no cents.

Done... and done.

Well, now we can go to the beach. Get dressed.

Why? I have to talk to my uncle.

Can't you talk to your uncle in my bathing suit?

I'll explain it to you while we get dressed, okay?

Uncle Fremont, you did it again. That was a bum check, right?

It got you out of the hole, didn't it?

But what happens when Mr. Roper tries to cash it Monday morning?

Don't worry about me, dear boy. By that time, I'll be long gone.

But we'll still be here.

And when he finds out it's a bum check, he'll

have a perfect excuse for throwing us out.

I was only trying to help. Well, you didn't!

We're in more trouble than we were before. Thank you.

Well, I guess I... I just didn't think that far ahead.

Maybe I am getting old.

Well, I'll just get my valise. Wait, Uncle Fremont.

Where you gonna go?

Well, there's always Mona.

You remember? The lady who called earlier. She's very well-endowed.

When you get to be her age, that means you have money.

But I thought you didn't like her. You didn't even wanna talk to her on the phone.

Well, I've been thinking about it. It's not so bad.

I'll have a comfortable home, a generous allowance,

I'll be taken to... fashion shows,

bridge parties, charity balls.

Mona loves to make an entrance with something decorative on her arm.

Well, then she ought to get herself a tattoo.

It'll be a splendid life.

Just think. I'll never have to worry about...

having fun again.

Oh, that poor man.

Gee whiz, Jack. What did you say to him?

I sort of laid into him and told him he acted stupid.

That is so cruel. All he did was pass a bad check,

and you act like it was some sort of crime.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

Well, if only we could get that check back.

Well, there's a way to fix that.

- Will you stay out of this? - Jack, he's only trying to help.

Right, with another phony check.

No, this is strictly on the up-and-up.

Now, now, here is my plan.

I will invite the Ropers up here for a drink and...

By the way, do any of you know where Mr. Roper keeps his checks?

One time when I took the rent down, I saw him put it in a drawer in his desk.

Good! Now while they are up here...

entranced by my fascinating tales of the Far East, you will go down there...

And steal the check? Nothing of the kind.

You're simply taking back something that belonged to me in the first place.

That's right. It's got his name on it and everything.

It's stealing, and I won't do it.

Jack, do you have a better idea?

Do you think I should wear gloves?

Oh, wasn't that sweet of Jack's uncle...

to help him out that way?

Those people stick together, you know.

Well, naturally. They're related.

In more ways than one.

Huh?

Ah, my dear Mr. Roper.

I wonder if you and your charming wife...

would care to join me upstairs for a cocktail or two?

I don't think so. I'm kind of tired.

His charming wife is wide awake.

We'd love to have you too, Mr. Roper.

- No, no, you and Helen go right ahead. - You mean you would trust me...

alone with your wife?

Like you were her mother.

But, Mr. Roper... I gotta catch up on my sleep.

Poor thing.

He hasn't had a nap since this morning.

Uh, you... you go on ahead. I'd like a moment to myself. Why?

Well, I'm in the midst of composing a poem to your beauty,

and I haven't finished it yet.

Take your time.

Psst. It's all set. What do you mean, all set? Roper's still in there.

Don't worry about him. He said he was going to go to sleep.

Now, just be quiet in there. Good luck.

Yeah, good luck. Okay, girls.

What? I want you to stand guard out here.

And if you see anybody coming, whistle. I can't whistle.

Well, do the best you can.

What the hell are you doing in here?

I thought you might like to come upstairs with me. What?

No. Right.

I don't mean just me. I mean, we're having a party up there.

It'll be me and Janet and Chrissy and my uncle and...

Mr. Roper! Whistle, whistle!

Whistle, whistle?

Whistle, whistle. It's a new dance.

Come on up. We'll show you how to do the whistle and the hustle.

Oh, the wine is lovely.

Not half so lovely as the hand that holds it, my dear.

Oh, you can't mean that.

What am I saying?

It's a little party.

Stanley, I thought you were taking a nap!

- I was, but Jack woke me up. - Well, what's a party without shoes.

I mean, people. Oh. Uh-oh. I smell something burning in the kitchen.

It might be your dinner, Uncle. Let's go look at the burning kitchen.

Didn't get it, huh? He's got it on him.

Oh! Well, he'll just have to give it to us.

How you gonna get him to do that? Uh, greed, my dear boy. Greed.

Now, when we go back out there, you find some way to casually...

bring the conversation around to money. Leave that to me.

Everything's fine. Nothing burned. Good.

So, everything okay out here? Fine.

Oh, great, great. How you doing, Chrissy? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Mrs. Roper, everything all right with you? Oh, sure. Fine.

You okay, Mr. Roper? I'm okay.

Good, good.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy.

So, how much money did you make last year, Uncle Fremont?

Uh, uh, well, it wasn't my best year.

My investments only brought in a few hundred thousand.

A few hundred thousand! Well, what kind of investments?

Forget it, Stanley. If you own it, it's sure to go down.

Listen, maybe I could... No, no, no, no.

I never allow my friends to put their money in my investments.

I'm not your friend.

That's true.

Uh, by the way, there is one little stock. Yeah, yeah, yeah?

But I would need a, uh, deposit.

Say, uh, $100.

I have your check. I could endorse it right over to you.

Why didn't I think of that?

You're a very persuasive man, Mr. Roper.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Helen, we're gonna be rich. I'm so excited!

He's excited!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Voilà.

Ya did it, Uncle Fremont.

That was beautiful. I'm sorry to have been so much bother.

Oh, no. You were a big help.

If you hadn't come to visit, we never would have gotten that check back.

That's a good point, Chrissy.

Hi. How do you do?

- I'm Mona Carmichael. - I'm Jack Tripper.

Mona! Mona, what are you doing here?

Isn't it obvious, darling? I've come for you.

Well, Mona, this is my nephew Jack...

Hello. and his friends Chrissy and Janet.

- I spoke to you on the phone. - Really? You sounded much older.

I forgive you for not talking to me on the phone.

Now, my car is waiting downstairs.

I've arranged to have my chauffeur drive us to Las Vegas where we can be married.

The minister will be waiting at the chapel at precisely midnight.

And I've reserved the bridal suite.

And I suppose you've selected my wardrobe also?

As a matter of fact, yes, I have.

She thinks of everything.

Well, good-bye, Jack.

Good-bye, Chrissy... and Janet.

You're all very beautiful.

And now, my dear Mona, Yes?

I have just remembered a lovely little island off the coast of South America...

where they have the most spectacular sunsets...

Really? and the most spectacular ladies...

to help one enjoy them.

Adiós.

Adiós? You come back here!

Vaya con Dios!

I don't understand that man.

I could have given him everything, and he walks out on me. What did I do wrong?

Well, you shouldn't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

- You really think so? - He's much too young for you.

Mr. Roper? What?

Mr. Roper, I have some news about your investments. How much did I make?

Uh, nothing. The company went bankrupt.

What?

I should have known better than to give my money to that crook.

Now wait a minute. My friend Larry... I mean, my friendly uncle,

he felt upset about that,

and he wanted me to give you back your $100.

Here you go. Now there's an honest man.

Huh? If you were more like your uncle,

I'd never have to worry about my rent.

Yes, sir.

If I hit this desk one more ti-i-i...

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles