Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

No, Ralph. I'm busy tomorrow.

No, I'm busy next week too.

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

If I ever need more wrestling lessons, I'll be glad to go out with you.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Bye.

Don't you just hate it when men try to manhandle you?

I don't remember.

Oh, you fixed it! What was wrong?

It was a short.

You know, you people are so careless.

You should never bend an electrical cord. Otherwise...

What happened?

Stanley was showing us how not to get a shock.

Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here.

Mind your own business, Stanley.

What if the towel slips?

Mind your own business, Stanley.

Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.

- Oh, thank you. - No! Jack!

Mind your own business, Chrissy.

Uh, excuse me.

Does he always walk around like that in front of you girls?

No. Only after he takes a shower.

Do you walk around like that in front of him?

Of course not. I wear my towel up to here.

I don't understand those kids.

What ever happened to good, old-fashioned modesty?

It's living with us, Stanley.

Hello, everybody. Oh, Janet. Hi.

Wasn't this a beautiful day?

I feel so good, and I just love everybody.

Hey, who turned you into Little Mary Sunshine?

Oh, Jack, Jack, do you know who I saw today?

Guess, Jack. Go ahead. You'll never guess.

Who? Peter Van Horn.

Never heard of him. That's why you'll never guess.

Have you been taking lessons from Chrissy?

Oh, Jack. Come on, Helen. It's time to fix my dinner.

Oh, I'll be down in a minute, Stanley. I want to hear this.

- Okay, what's a Peter Van Horn? - Yeah, what?

Well, just picture the handsomest man,

a terrifically-built guy and a wonderful athlete.

Okay, I'm thinking of all three of them.

No, Chrissy. I'm talking about Peter.

He was the most popular guy in our high school...

Handsome, quarterback of the football team...

and the smoothest dancer in the whole school.

Do you know what they did when he graduated?

Made him a god?

They retired his class pin. Yeah, yeah.

It had it on the chest of every girl in school.

Including yours?

No, no. I didn't have a chest then.

Well, come on, Janet. What did he say?

Well... Well... What did you say? How did he act?

How did you act? Wait Let me see. Let me see. Um...

All right, in order, he said, "Hi there," and I said, "Uhhh."

- And then he said... - I know! No, no! I know!

He said, "Janet. Little Janet Wood.

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it." Right?

Well, that was after. After what?

After he bumped into me and knocked me down...

and after he picked me up and said, "Excuse me, miss."

- He didn't even recognize you? - Oh, no, no, not at first.

So I said, "Do you know who I am?"

And he said, "Are you one of Charlie's Angels?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then he said, "No, no, you couldn't be, 'cause you're much prettier."

- Oh, you're kidding! - And you still talked to him after a line like that?

Jack, he doesn't need a line. This is Peter Van Horn.

Oh, excuse me. I was talking about him as if he was just a plain old human being.

Bad, Jack. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

Then he said, "Janet. Little Janet Wood," right?

Is that what he said? Yeah, after I told him what my name was.

You gonna fix my dinner, or are you gonna let me starve to death?

You mean I have a choice? Helen.

Oh, come on, Stanley. Stay a while.

This is so exciting! Janet met an old sweetheart.

Oh, I wouldn't exactly call him a sweetheart.

Well, an old flame.

Try, he didn't know I existed.

- Are we gonna get to see him. - Yes. Yes, you are. Tonight.

I've invited him over for coffee or something.

Tell us about the "or something."

What did you have in mind?

Oh. Oh, Jack. Uh, I-I-I don't know.

Uh, I just don't know what I meant.

Are you open for suggestions?

Helen, don't butt in.

I'm not butting in! I'd just like to know that something's going on somewhere.

And I'd like to know that my dinner's going on the table.

Oh, come on, Stanley. I want to stay and hear more about Janet's new flame.

I'm starving. I'm not interested in new flames.

Naturally. His pilot light went out years ago.

Oh, Chrissy, do you know what time it is?

Uh, 7:30. Oh, so he's gonna be here any minute.

Well, don't worry. Oh, hey, your hands are like ice!

I'm so scared. Why?

I can't help it, Chrissy. This afternoon when I ran into Peter,

it was just like being back in high school all over again...

Skinny little kid, no figure.

But that's all changed now.

I know. I know. But I can't get over it.

Peter Van Horn is coming to see me.

When I was in high school, I'd have given anything to have a date with him.

Instead, I got to go to the prom with Stevie Gilmore.

They voted us the couple with the brightest smile. Oh, well, that was nice.

No, it wasn't. It was because we both wore braces on our teeth.

Oh. Oh, Chrissy. Oh, boy.

What's wrong with her?

Well, you know, it's getting close to kickoff time and she's worried.

Our Janet, the original Miss Cool?

Oh, come on, Janet. He's just a guy.

He's not the second coming of Mick Jagger.

Jack, why would he want to date me?

Why would he want to da... Yeah.

Why would he wanna da... Why?

Chrissy, did you ever hear such a stupid question?

Yes. Last week at the office, my boss asked me if I...

Chrissy, don't help me.

Janet, you are one of the most gorgeous,

exciting, wonderful girls I've ever met.

How come you never told me that before?

Yeah, how come you never told me that, either?

That's because we're friends.

And as long as I live here, I have to think of you as just friends.

To me, you're not girls. You're just a couple of lumpy boys.

You're a beautiful liar, Jack.

I'd better go get ready now.

Oh, Janet. Yeah?

Wanna wear my almost Halston dress?

Oh! Okay?

Oh, Chrissy, thank you. Oh, thank you!

I have never seen Janet like that. She's usually so...

An "almost Halston" dress?

Uh-huh. It's a J.C. Penney dress with a Halston label sewn in.

That's ridiculous. He'll never see the label.

It doesn't matter. The girl knows it's there. That's what counts.

Oh, that must be Peter.

Uh, Chrissy, how are we gonna explain us to Mr. Wonderful?

Well, you'll think of something.

Hi. I'm looking for Janet Wood.

Hi. Come on in. She's getting dressed.

Oh?

Uh, w-well, I'm company, and she's a roommate. That explains everything.

Oh, good going, Jack. Thanks, Chrissy.

Uh, well, listen. Why don't I take that?

See, we're all just friends here. I see.

Well, I'm Peter Van Horn. I'm Jack Tripper.

Nice to meet you. And this is Chrissy Snow.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Hi. I'll tell Janet you're here. Thank you.

Well, come in. I hear you were quite an athlete.

Well, that was quite a long time ago.

Say, you look pretty athletic yourself.

I did play a little baseball. You know, pitcher.

No kiddin'? So was I. Yeah?

What was your best pitch? A slider.

But I had an even better pitch than that. Stand back. I'll show you. Get ready.

And here's Tripper into the wind-up.

And the pitch.

Hey, that's a pretty cute trick. How do you do it?

Well, what you do is you palm the ball in your

left hand and you don't let the batter see it.

Then as you go into your stretch or wind-up...

- Well, well. - I'll tell you later.

Look at you!

Ah, the skin you love to touch.

Again... and again.

Hello, Peter. Uh, have you all met?

Well, then if you two have somewhere to go, I wouldn't want to hold you up.

We're going, Janet. Don't push.

I hope to see more of you when I'm back in town. Yeah, I'd like that.

Glad I finally got to meet you. Come on, Chrissy.

What do you know? Janet hit the jackpot.

He's really a nice guy, isn't he?

I can't stand him!

Chrissy, you can't just tell me you don't like the guy. You gotta give me a reason.

I don't trust him. I've got this feeling.

- Feeling is not a reason. - Yes, it is. It's gotta be a reason.

Otherwise, why would I feel this way?

All right, Chrissy, when did you first get this feeling? Reason.

Reason, feeling... What's the difference? That's what I say.

You were the one who said they weren't the same. Chrissy...

What I mean is, do you have any proof?

Yes. I didn't like what he said.

What did he say?

He said, "I'm very pleased to meet you."

And? That's it.

What's wrong with saying, "I'm very pleased to meet you"?

It's so simple.

When he said, "I'm very pleased," that wasn't just a plain "very," you know.

Huh?

There are "verys" and there are "verys,"

and his "very" was very, very strange.

What?

Especially when you put it together with a double squeeze.

Oh, right.

What's a double squeeze?

I'll show you.

Okay, you be me, and I'll be Peter, okay?

Oh, I'm you? Okay.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do? Give me your hand.

Okay.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

He just squeezed your elbow when he said "very"? What's wrong with that?

The squeeze had a question mark on it!

A question?

Yes. "How about you and me getting it on, baby?"

Oh, come on, Chrissy! I can't...

It was, it was! I have met those squeezers before, and they are no good!

Okay, maybe you got something there.

Would you do me a favor? Would you do that again?

I w-want to see if I can hear that question.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

I'd love to. Oh, Jack. No!

Well, this is just like old times.

I don't know. I think I was the only girl in school you didn't take out.

So you were the one.

You sure have changed, Janet. In all the right places.

Oh, well, you haven't changed very much, Peter.

Well, I've matured a little.

See, I realized the chicks were chasing after me...

Not because I was a terrific guy, but because I was a football hero.

Oh, well, I'll bet the girls still chase after you.

Yeah. But now it's because I'm a terrific guy.

Uh, Peter,

um, do you ever hear from Charlie Benson?

Who? He was your best friend.

Oh, him. Yeah.

Yeah, I think he got into teaching someplace up north.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's a shame.

A smart guy like that wasting his life.

You know, if he'd played his cards right,

he could be doing exactly what I'm doing.

Trying to undress me?

What? Trying to...

Hey, that's pretty funny.

Uh, what are you doing now, Peter?

I'm in sporting goods. Oh, still playing games, huh?

What?

S-Still pla-play...

Oh, sure, sure. I keep fit. Oh.

You know, the chicks don't like it if you let yourself go.

Say, listen, I got an idea. Hmm.

Th-Those are throw pillows, but I don't think you should throw them on the floor.

Why don't we get comfortable?

Isn't that better? Yeah, it's g-good.

It's good.

Oops.

Excuse me. I think there's probably someone at the door.

I'll just be getting it, and you can just be... Oh, hi, hi.

Oh, I just wanted to come and see if your lamp was all right.

Lamp? Yeah, it's fine. Well, yeah.

Oh, good. Very good.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, this is Peter Van Horn.

Our landlady. Good.

Very good.

Ah, the skin you love to touch.

Again... and again.

Oh, Janet, did you... Did you hear what he said?

Yes, again and again.

Well, I just had to see your lamp... Oops!

Mrs. Roper, wouldn't you like to stay and have a drink with us?

Oh... Oh, Janet! You're so polite.

I know you two want to be alone.

No, I'll just go back to Stanley.

Then I can be alone too.

Well...

Chrissy.

I can't hear myself drink.

Jack, I'm so worried. Maybe we should call Janet and tell her how we feel.

Janet's okay, Chrissy. Peter's an old high school friend.

He's the most popular guy in school. He was a four-letter man.

Yeah, they make a four-letter word.

Be nice, Chrissy.

Oh, Ja... Oh, Jack, do me a favor, please. Hmm?

Come with me and call Janet and just see how she is.

Oh, Chrissy, I can't do that. She'll think I'm spying on her.

So disguise your voice. Oh, come on.

Oh, Jack! Oh, Jack, please? For me?

Mmm. Okay.

Good. Okay, come on. Come. Come.

How should I disguise my voice?

Make an accent.

Make an accent? How do...

Howdy!

Howdy, Miss Wood. Is this Miss Wood?

Hi. I'm an old friend of Peter Van Horn's.

Uh, you know, Pete's really a good ol' boy.

But he's also a low-down, rotten, sneakin' snake in the grass,

and I wouldn't allow him in my house without you got a mongoose handy.

Oh, hi, Janet.

No, I don't have a cold. I was just, uh...

You do? Oh, well, thank... Yeah.

What'd she say?

She said I do a great Gomer Pyle imitation.

Oh, I thought it was Tennessee Ernie Ford.

I was doing Jimmy Carter.

Enough, Chrissy!

Tell me the truth, Jan.

- Janet. - Janet.

Haven't you... Haven't you been thinking about me all these years?

Well, in a sense, uh...

I knew it.

You know, hon, all the way over here I just kept thinking,

"Janet, Janet, Janet."

And, you know, I made up a little something...

especially for you.

Oh? What was that, Peter?

How much do I love you?

Let me count up the ways.

What the hell's so funny?

Oh, Peter! You got that from Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Oh, no. You got me all wrong. I never took that chick out in my life!

Well, it would be a little difficult. She's been dead for over a hundred years!

And she wrote it just a little differently.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

I was never much good at talk. Why don't we do what I do best?

Oh, no, Peter. I'd rather not. Oh, come on, Janet.

No, no, Peter. I'm just not in the mood. Come on.

Hey, listen. How about another poem? Peter! Peter! No! No!

Oh, hi.

Oh, my God! Where's Peter?

He's in the bedroom. Oh, my God!

Oh, Jack, he attacked her! Now, don't jump to conclusions.

Janet, what happened? He attacked me.

See? Oh, my God!

Well, I don't mean he attacked me, actually.

He started to really come after me, so I

tried to run in the bedroom and lock the door.

And then what happened? He tripped and hit his head on the broken end table.

We don't have a broken end table.

We do now. Anyway, he knocked himself out.

So I put a pillow under his head, an ice pack on him, and he's in there now.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna bring him to, and then I'm gonna punch him out.

- Janet? - He's awake! Oh, no!

Oh, good. Now I don't have to bring him to.

Oh, no, Jack. Come on, come on. I can handle this.

Are you sure? Sure. I've been doing pretty good so far.

Um, why don't you guys just do a quick fade, and I'll get rid of him.

Okay. Come on, Jack. If you want me, I'll be in there. Okay?

Thank you.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, it's okay, Janet. I forgive you.

- You forgive me? - Playing hard to get.

I got news for you, babe. It worked. You got me.

I got news for you. I don't want you.

You're not serious. Oh, Peter!

What does it take to get through to you?

Stop trying, babe. You got your man.

Oh, Peter, Peter! No! Janet. Janet.

All right, hold it right there, buster!

What are you two doing here?

Hey, don't you hear well?

My friend is not interested in you!

Oh, so that's it!

Well, that explains everything.

That never occurred to me.

What? You. Her.

Roommates. Sharing... everything.

Oh?

I read about this in a book once.

You read a book?

Who helped you with the big words?

There are no big words in Dick and Jane.

Well, listen. I don't want to break up a beautiful friendship.

I mean, uh, whatever turns you on.

Just imagine, for a minute there I thought old Pete was losing it.

Well, here. Let me help old Pete with his old jacket.

Thanks. Hey! Hey!

You okay, babe? Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. But I feel like a fool.

So do I. Oh, yeah? How come?

I should have known right away that that guy was a double-squeezer.

- What? - And that he had a question mark on the end of it.

- What! - Look, Janet,

there are "verys" and there are "verys,"

and his "very" was very, very strange.

Have you been taking lessons from Chrissy?

Well, Helen, how do you feel about Janet's romantic flame now?

Oh, wasn't that terrible? Poor Janet. She must be so disappointed.

You know, you can say whatever you want about me,

but I would never force myself on a woman.

To do what?

You know what I mean, Helen.

Well, now just imagine, Stanley,

if you were my old sweetheart and you came to see me...

and you ripped off my clothes and threw me on the bed.

- Helen, I would never do that. - It was just a suggestion.

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles