Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Well, how's my gorgeous little roommate today?

Oh. Hey, hey! You want to come over here and say that?

Why? This plant could use some fertilizer.

Okay. Plant, you are gorgeous!

Yeah, looks pretty good, doesn't it? Yeah.

All I did was repot it and cut it back a little.

And Mrs. Roper's got a plant that's as good as new!

Well, if you could do the same thing to Mr. Roper, she'd be delirious.

Yeah. Hey, what you got there?

Oh, it's a present for Chrissy: the new Peter Frampton album.

Is this her birthday?

No, I just know how much she likes him, and...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, well, it's not my birthday either.

Janet, it's not exactly a present. I just thought it would be nice...

to listen to it tonight with Chrissy.

Just you and Chrissy? What am I supposed to do? Put plugs in my ears?

Will you stop twisting everything I say? I bought it for all of us.

Oh. Well, in that case, thank you very much. You're welcome.

And I'll be sure to turn it up real loud...

so you can hear it from your room.

Ooh, listen, you... No, no, no. Sense of humor! Sense of humor!

It's for all of us. That's better.

Think maybe I'll take this down to Mrs. Roper.

Oh, don't forget to tell Mr. Roper about that leaky faucet in the kitchen.

Oh! Thanks for reminding me.

Hi! Hi! Happy Unbirthday!

Oh, Jack. I've got to talk to you.

First I want to tell you about my surprise. Jack, this is important!

What's more important than Peter Frampton?

Michael Winthrop. What's he recorded?

He's the guy I've been dating, remember?

Oh, yeah. Michael "The Gourmet" Winthrop.

Don't talk about him like that.

I happen to like him. And I've invited him here for dinner.

Dinner? You planning to send out?

- No, he's expecting me to cook. - You?

Chrissy, you can't cook.

Don't you remember what happened when you tried to make spaghetti?

Well, I just wanted to make sure that it was thoroughly mixed with the sauce.

But you don't do that in a blender.

You made us a spaghetti malted.

Well, I just thought it would be faster.

The correct way is to mix the sauce in a bowl,

then pour it gently over the spaghetti.

See? You just taught me how to make "basghetti."

Now, if you could give me a few more hints... Hints?

Cooking is not hints. Cooking is an art. It takes years to learn.

Oh, please!

Well, I suppose I could give you a few pointers.

With a lot of practice, and a lot of time, maybe...

I suppose eventually... When's this guy coming? Tonight.

Toni... Tonight? So if you could start...

Can we go in the kitchen now? Tonight? Chrissy,

the only way you could cook dinner tonight would be if I cooked it for you.

Oh, Jack, I knew I could count on you. Oh! Now, wait. Chrissy. Chrissy!

Aah! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right? Chrissy, speak to me!

Speak to me. Uh, poor kid must have passed out.

I-I... I was giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Standing up? - Oh, well, hey. It's the best way.

Uh, the air goes downhill, directly into the, uh, lungs.

- She looks all right to me. - Well, see? It works!

You know what I think? I think you and Chris... Mr. Roper,

the leaky faucet in the kitchen? Yeah, it's been acting very strange lately.

Not the only thing strange around here.

I don't care what Jack says, they were kissing!

- I know a kiss when I see one. - I didn't think you had that good a memory.

Helen, I'm serious.

How were they doing it, Stanley? Show me.

Helen, this is no time to fool around.

Okay, you want to make an appointment?

Wait, do you think he's been pulling the wool over my eyes?

Aw, come on, Stanley.

Nobody's smart enough to do that to you.

That's true, that's true.

But what about all those times we saw Jack down at the Regal Beagle...

- with all those girls? - Oh, those girls were just pals.

Why would a gay guy want to pal around with so many girls?

To see how the other half lives?

What about the time he took out my niece?

I bet he tried somethin' that night.

You know, there's one thing you've never understood, Stanley.

Trying is not doing.

Okay. Okay. But if I find out that Tinkerbell...

has stopped ringin', I'm gonna throw him out on his ear.

Look, isn't that pretty? How do you like it?

- What is it? - It's macramé!

I'm making a holder for my pot.

You knitting yourself a girdle?

It's for hanging my plant that Janet fixed for me.

Look. Don't you think she did a lovely job?

Yeah, lovely. Lovely. Why'd you have to invite

her to dinner just 'cause she fixed the plant?

- What's so great about a plant? - For one thing, it's alive.

Which is more than I can say for some things around this house.

Hi! Whatcha cookin' for dinner? Hi.

My own goose.

Well, you know what, Jack? I think what you're doing is absolutely marvelous.

No wonder Chrissy thinks you're so fantastic.

She does? Sure!

I mean, why shouldn't she? You're gonna help her impress somebody...

who really means a lot to her. Ooh...

Jack!

Jack, are you jealous?

Jealous? Me? Yeah.

That's crazy.

Look, I admit. I like Chrissy.

She's a nice person. A-And you're a nice person too.

I like you, and if... And if I were doing this for you instead of Chrissy,

I'd feel exactly the same way. What way?

I don't know!

All I know is that you two need looking after,

and here's Chrissy dating this-this total stranger.

Well, if you feel that way about it,

why don't you spoil the dinner? And ruin my reputation as a chef?

Exc-u-use me!

How's it going? I'm almost finished.

Now Chrissy, all you have to do is keep the soup on simmer.

Check the temperature of the roast, toss the salad,

make sure... Oh, I can't do all that! You've got to stay and do it.

But Chrissy, that'll ruin everything for you.

If I stay, he'll see me. Not if you stay in the kitchen.

You want me to hide in here all night? No!

Only until he leaves.

I'm not gonna do it. Oh, please!

No! For me?

Okay, but from now on, just call me Cyrano de Tripper. Huh?

Yeah, I'm cooking to light another guy's fire!

Well, Michael? Ahh!

I seem to taste a dash of cinnamon in the claret consommé.

- Oh, I hope it's not too much. - Oh! Any less would be timid.

Any more would be precocious! What you have achieved is divinely tantalizing.

- Does that mean you like it? - Like it? It comes straight from heaven.

Now, the salad.

Oh! That'll be that green stuff right here.

Oh!

Mm-hmm.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Perfect. Tell me, how did you introduce the dressing?

I just said, "Salad, meet the dressing.

Dressing meet the salad."

Seriously, how did you do it?

I have to get something on the stove. Could you excuse me?

Sure.

Oh, Jack. Oh, he's asking questions!

And you're giving him some answers. "Dressing, meet the salad."

Like this. "Hi there, Salad. You look a little limp."

"Oh, Dressing, am I glad to see you. Cover me quick. I'm naked."

Okay, Chrissy. Okay.

Jack, please! Okay. Okay, okay.

"Fresh parsley. Shallots, finely chopped. Salt.

Ground pepper, wine vinegar, olive oil. Stand

one hour, then pour gently into bowl and toss."

You got all that? Fresh parsley. Yeah!

Fresh parsley, chopped shallots... Salt.

Salt. Pepper.

Oh! Allow me.

You smell wonderful! What's that perfume you're wearing?

Wine vinegar, olive oil,

fresh parsley... What?

The salad dressing! Oh! Never mind that.

Oh, well. I've got to know something else.

You do? That appetizer. The rice mold you made...

for the stuffed artichokes, was that cooked in a sauce pan or a double boiler?

Would you excuse me a minute?

Again? Well, I want to get my roast out of the oven.

Ah! Let me do that. No, no. No!

The door's stuck. Yeah!

Well, it's an old building, and it always does that...

when there's, uh, too much weight near the door.

You're kidding!

No. Sit down, I'll show you.

Okay.

See? Floor's all balanced now.

Jack, that rice mold. Did I cook it in a saucepan or a double boiler?

- Both. - Both.

Both? I hope you don't mind me saying this.

- That's a trifle wasteful. - What?

Well, you see, the pan is totally unnecessary.

And it tends to absorb the healthful nutrients.

But it's a common mistake, and a lot of beginners tend to fall into that group.

Beginner? Who are you calling a beginner?

Who are you? Jack!

Oh, you don't like my cooking, huh? Your cooking?

Chrissy, what's... Well, maybe you'd like to try my special egg recipe.

Look, I don't know... Oh, no. I insist.

The yolk's on him!

Oh, Jack!

Jack, how could you? Well, he... he...

Would you excuse me? I'd like to freshen up my hand.

Good... The bathroom's in here.

Thanks.

Of all the rotten, mean, egotistical creeps...

Yeah, I don't like him either.

I am talking about you!

Me? You deliberately blew the whole thing,

to make me look like a fool... how could you do that?

Now, Chrissy, don't get upset. I can straighten this out.

It is impossible to straighten this out!

Don't be so negative! Look, he doesn't know who I am.

All he know is... that you're hiding in my kitchen, cooking my dinner!

It is impossible to straighten this out.

I'd like to apologi... You! Do you mind staying away from me?

Michael, this is Jack Tripper. He's... Hi.

I thought you must be.

Look, Ja...

Jack is studying to be a chef, and...

Well, I wanted to impress you, so I asked him to cook the meal for us.

- I'm sorry. - Well, I'm afraid I can't accept your apology.

What? What kind of a fink is he?

There's no need to apologize! The point is, you did all this for me.

- I'm very flattered. - He's quite a nice fink.

So. Now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak,

thank you and good-bye.

- Good-bye? - You do understand,

this is a rather special evening for Chrissy and me.

We'd like to be alone, so, "Good-bye, Jack."

Oh, yes. Well.

Good-bye, Chrissy. I'll see you sometime.

Yes! I'll give you a call.

Oh, good. You know where to reach me, do you?

Right. Well, I'll be moving on my little way here.

Bye. Bye. No, wait.

Michael, there's something you ought to know.

Jack lives here.

Oh! Well, in that case, I'll take you home. No!

I live here too. With Jack?

Oh, it's all right. The three of us lead our own lives.

Oh, good!

The three of you? You and two guys?

No. Me and two girls.

And you can still find time to cook?

It's strictly platonic!

- Oh, I knew you wouldn't understand. - Oh, but I do understand.

The platonic principle has always intrigued me.

Incidentally, I found Greece fascinating.

Grease? Ohh! We tried to get tickets to that show, it was all sold out.

Chrissy!

Mm. That reminds me. What?

Let's get on with the dinner. So far, it's been excellent.

Oh, well, thank you! Yes, the stuffed artichokes were very delicate.

Thank you! The claret consommé was a delight!

Maybe a bit too much sugar,

but otherwise, first-rate.

And the wine you chose: a subtle, yet daring... Too much sugar?

Yes. Cinnamon in the consommé is enough.

Too much sugar? Does he have a hearing problem?

Too... much... sugar.

Maybe for someone with impaired taste buds. Uh, Jack.

If my taste buds were amputated, I could distinguish between sweet... and sickly.

Sickly? You don't need taste buds, you need a new palate.

- Which may require a new brain. - Are you saying I am insensitive?

Oh, no, no. I'm just saying that you have the mouth of a rhinoceros.

Jack, please! Even a rhinoceros wouldn't add sugar to cinnamon.

I mean, anybody who would do that is...

is in the same class with the great chefs, like Julia Child...

James Beard and Robert Carrier. All I can say is...

the last time I spoke to Raymond Oliver, he was emphatic...

You spoke to Raymond Oliver?

He said, "No sugar with the cinnamon in the claret consommé!"

You spoke to Raymond Oliver?

The chef of the Grand Véfour in Paris?

You know Raymond Oliver?

We stuffed... chickens together.

Jack, you're being very rude.

Not only that, I put too much sugar in the consommé.

Good. Now can we get on with dinner, please?

So you know Raymond Oliver?

A charming man. Did he give you any tips?

Michael, should we sit down...

You should see the way he sautées his onions!

How, how, how? Would you like me to show you?

Are you kidding? Come into my kitchen. Fellas!

How about his pâté en brioches?

Well, I've heard it described as "catching a dazzling ray of sunlight."

Wow! That was really a great dinner, Mrs. Roper. Oh, thanks, Janet.

You're welcome. Yeah. Certainly was better than that chili...

we had for dinner yesterday.

Boy, that stuff was so hot, it kept me awake all night.

I wish I could say the same about him.

- What? What? - Oh, nothing. Nothing, Stanley.

I... I, uh... Oh, uh, I better get us some more coffee.

Listen, I was just thinkin' about your friend Jack.

Kissin' Chrissy this mornin'.

And I don't like it. Well, why don't you stop thinkin' about it?

I mean, he's not gonna get away with it.

- Get away with what? - Aw, come on.

We both know what Jack and Chrissy are doin' up there right now.

Oh! Oh, did Chrissy tell you?

Of course not! But I have my ways.

I mean, like the Good Book says, "Jack can fool some of the people all the time,

but he don't fool me none of the time."

And I don't like it.

Oh, well, listen. Neither does Jack.

What? No, no! He's not enjoying what he's doing.

Then why is he doing it? Well, Chrissy talked him into it.

Chrissy? Why?

Why not? I mean, he lives there.

And he can do the job.

You know, I don't understand you kids. I mean...

Y-You talk like she's ordering a Big Mac.

Boy, I wish it were that simple.

I mean, you don't realize the problems Jack has.

It is a miracle he can get anything done.

Huh? Yes.

With Chrissy's date up there.

Huh?

Yeah. He has to do it hiding in the kitchen.

The kitchen? Yup.

Wait a minute. Wait. You mean there are three of them up there?

Yeah. Where do you fit into all this?

Oh! Nowhere, thank goodness.

You're a good girl.

Thanks. But I'll tell ya. I would love to have stayed and watched.

Watched? Yeah.

But it would have made Jack too nervous.

Helen? Helen!

Coming! I'm coming. Never mind the coffee.

You know, I let that kid move up there because he said he was gay?

But after what I saw this morning, and after what I heard just now,

- I know better! - W-Wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, Mr. Roper. All I said is that he's up there cooking dinner...

for Chrissy and her date! You see what I mean?

"Cooking a dinner"? Yes!

- What's wrong with that? - I don't know! Yet.

Mr. Roper, that is all that's happening!

Maybe I'm wrong. And for Jack's sake,

I hope I am.

Yes? Hi, does Jack Tripper live here?

You want the apartment upstairs. Oh, thank you.

Hold it!

Jack's not in. What do you want with him? I wanted to return his sweater.

I borrowed it from him last night, when we on the beach.

What? You, with Jack, were on a beach?

Listen, thank you very much. That's very nice of you, and I'll make sure he gets it.

- Thanks a lot. - Did you hear that, Helen?

Jack and that girl? What about that? Oh, well...

Isn't that just like Jack,

takin' the sweater off his back for somebody in distress?

Yeah! This is proof, Helen.

Oh, Stanley, you're ridiculous!

Yeah, you're crazy. Yeah, you-you-you're getting paranoid!

I am not!

Why is everybody against me?

I'm goin' up there and throwin' that phony out on his ear! No, Mr. Roper!

All right. Where is he? Who?

Your friend Jack! Take it easy, Stanley. Take it easy!

- Jack in no friend of mine. - What? What happened?

What he did to me was unforgivable, Janet.

It's worse than I thought.

What did he do? He stole my date!

What?

Well, see for yourself!

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Mm, that's fantastic, Michael. My stuffing

never comes out like this. How do you do it?

Well, it's easy as long as you remember, just a breeze of salt and pepper...

and just the dashiest dash of Tabasco.

You've got a marvelous touch.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper. Anything wrong?

Uh, not anymore, Jack.

- It's all right, Helen. - That's wonderful.

Now, Stanley, I think you should apologize to Jack.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jack.

Oh, that's okay. What did you do?

Me? Nothin'. I-I just thought I saw something that wasn't normal,

because it was normal.

But now I can see it ain't normal, so everything's back to normal again.

Oh, well, I'm... glad for you.

And now, Jack, you can go on living here as long as you like.

- Can't he, Stanley? - I can?

Sure. Unless you and your friend here...

would like to find a place of your own.

Oh, no, no, no. Do you think Chrissy will ever speak to me again...

without throwing something? Nope!

Don't throw it! I'm sorry, Chrissy.

I'm sorry about last night. Please, I apologize. I'm sorry.

So am I. You were right.

That Michael is a creep.

What? Creep?

Hey, I thought you were crazy about him. What happened?

After you two went down to The Regal Beagle,

we finally sat down to dinner, and he said he loved it.

And then? Then he turned the lights down,

and put on some soft music,

and he said he was ready for dessert!

What's wrong with that?

When a guy says he's ready for dessert, and he really means the chocolate mousse,

it's time to say good-bye!

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles