Original subtitles

Baby time!

I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.

Eh, come here.

All right. I'll always be here for you.

Do you swear? Yeah.

I love you.

DOOR OPENS

I got the job.

Get your bowler hat on, Gaz, we're moving to London.

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

LONDON!

Why are you screaming that at us?

Well?

Aren't you going to say anything?

You just said we're going to live in London.

All I can think of to say is wha-ha-wha-ha?

I'm really pleased for you Donna. You deserve a break.

Of your neck!

I can't go and live in that London.

I am putting my foot down. You're my wife and what I say goes.

Gaz. When has it ever, ever been that way?

Once.

And it was my birthday. Was I wrong?

Yes, you were!

I finally experienced female ejaculation

only it fell out of my arse seven hours later.

That's one curry house we can never go back to.

Gaz you have to make sacrifices in a marriage.

She's asking me to move 200 miles away from my family and friends!

To a multicultural urban environment!

I'm a Runcornian. They don't have them in London.

And I've heard they don't have beer.

They have wine.

We leave at the end of the week, Gaz. I'll be at home, packing.

She didn't even say goodbye.

Yeah, well they don't in that London.

They say "ffthvvee".

Well, this is fate, Gaz.

It's for the best.

I can't leave you.

I'm falling in love with you.

I live here now, don't I?

I keep doing that!

Ah!

I had no idea a woman could know those words.

What is a cock fanny fart shite?

You didn't know we had vaginas until ten minutes ago.

I did!

I just thought they'd be loads prettier.

That stuff you've got down there is a mess.

Its like something you've cut out of a squirrel's tummy.

Munch. You need to phone an ambulance!

I want a C-section.

You've only been in labour for 16 hours.

It takes at least three days.

Listen to me, inbred.

I want a caesarean section and if I don't get one

I'll never be able to make fun of those prolapsed uterus women again.

And I am not giving up my favourite hobby.

I've got a prolapsed uterus...

No, no, I've got a prolapsed bowel.

No, hang on, no, I've got an inflamed bowel.

No, that's not right...

I have a cardigan. That's it.

Ah!

Gaz, I'm throwing out your animal porn.

This is the antelope-based stuff.

I'll go through beavers to zebras when I get home from work.

Leave beavers.

See you later, Janet.

What do you mean you're falling in love with me?!

I mean I'm falling in love... Don't say it!

She doesn't love me, you know.

She's always known she was too good for me.

You're just saying this so you don't have to go to London.

It's not so bad. I went there on a trip to see Phantom of the Opera.

They give you real juice in a box.

And I saw loads of pigeons. I saw at least seven.

One had a little club foot, all bent over like that, it was wonderful.

I want to stay here with you and Corinthian.

Gaz, he's not yours! OK?!

I know. But just because someone belongs to someone else doesn't stop you loving them, does it?

Janet?

I don't love you.

You do.

I don't.

I was just confused, and lonely...

and really, really horny.

I could never love you in a million years.

I am still in love with my husband.

Which some might class as necrophilia, but I think it's cute.

How would you feel if you never saw me again?

Ee! Wouldn't care.

Janet, I've never felt like this about anyone.

Not even Boris Johnson and she's fit.

Well, I don't feel the same about you, Gaz.

You need to go with your wife. It's for the best.

OK. I will. I'll go to London.

SHE SQUEAKS It's for the best. Bye, Janet.

No, Gaz, wait! Yeah?

She's not too good for you.

No-one could be.

It just...it just looks like that cos I'm too bad for you.

HE SQUEAKS

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Is this getting awkward?

I don't seem to be able to remove my arms from round you.

I live here now, don't I?

I keep doing that.

Tim!

I got that job. I'm moving to that London.

Oh, no! Well, London's got nothing on Runcorn.

You know, except for culture, the nightlife and the ethnic diversity.

And those crazy-footed pigeons!

I've been. It's amazing. I had a panini.

Oh, what's a panini?

Well, it's a toastie. But it's got rocket in it!

Then why so glum, big bum?

If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?

I am the soul of discretion.

I've kept many things in the closet for much of my life.

Ask my wife Helena.

It's too horrible to say out loud.

Just take a deep breath and let it out.

Nothing you say can shock me.

I don't want Gaz to come to London, and I'll have to tell him. Ah!

Where's my bloody ambulance, you spindly post?

I phoned them, they said not to panic, your water only just broke.

Idiots! Don't they know who I am?

Take me to the private hospital in Warrington.

Have you paid?

No, of course I haven't paid.

But they won't turn me away when I've got a baby's head hanging out of my knickers!

Get a move on!

What are you doing?

Well, you have to carry me.

Oh, put some welly into it.

I'm not allowed wellies.

I drowned a kitten in one once on Bonfire Night.

The RSPCA said it's dangerous for me to be around rubber footwear.

They gave me a sticker!

Hello, wife. I'll have a pint, please.

What you got there?

Oh, it's Koala bears in compromising positions.

Oi! You're not having this.

This is for our first-born.

I need to tell you something.

No, I need to tell you something.

You go first. Cos what I have to tell you is both grave and sinister

and may ruin your life. Forever.

Cool.

I just wanted to say I'm proud of you, of everything you've achieved.

You've gone from a mealy-mouthed, badly dressed,

shouty little angry-faced...

I get it Gaz.

You know, you've made a success of your life.

And I'm so proud of the way you've achieved your ambitions.

Because of you, we're starting a new life in a new place, together.

OK. What were you going to say?

Well... there are rumours that they're...

discontinuing Quavers.

I'm disappointed, but I wouldn't say my life is ruined.

Thanks for the heads up.

She doesn't know me at all.

It's Monster Munch I love.

So you didn't tell him?

How could I? He's looking forward to moving. I can't break his heart. I'm not like that.

So you'll stay trapped in a loveless marriage.

How Diana .

How Tom Cruise .

Tom Cruise is alive.

Not to me, he isn't.

Look Tim, there's something else.

In London...

..I met someone. He's great. I mean really, really great.

Ah!

Asthma.

BABY CRIES

Please don't cry, Corinthian.

Look here...

Have a pastie. It's your favourite.

Chilli.

Ow!

You could have smudged my lip gloss, you irksome Fraggle.

What's going on?

She said she needed to be somewhere posh. So she could have her baby.

From her "vagina".

That's my word of the day!

That and "ubiquitous".

"Today, Louise's vagina, is ubiquitous."

Well, I don't want it here! I'm busy.

Being sad.

I was looking for Mr Wilkinson.

Who is not ubiquitous,

or a vagina.

Why do you need Gaz?

I always feel safe around him.

His big strong arms. His manly chest.

Sometimes just breaking into his house and watching him sleep

can make the voices stop.

I know.

Sometimes I pretend my pillow is him and I kiss it.

Me too! Only I don't have a pillow.

I have hay.

Sometimes pillow Gaz tells me that Donna was killed in a terrible helicopter crash

and I comfort pillow Gaz until he succumbs to my comforting and...

then I rub on him a little bit.

Excuse me!

While you've been verbally wanking into the breeze

I've been sat here dilating.

Now this baby is coming and I need your help!

Oh... I didn't realise you were actually in labour!

OK, takes forever, hurts like hell.

I've got to stop Gaz. Look after Corinthian.

Oh, well. It looks like it's just me and you again.

Oh, good. I'm completely thrilled.

Observe my face for signs of utter elation.

No, it's good! Because we've got an expert here now.

Now, sir, tell us how you escaped from the vagina.

Oh, come on. Tell me about it. How did you meet?

Well, here's a funny story.

We both reached for the same Twix at the train station!

Now that is a funny story.

And me and Wesley were both waiting for the same train...

Wesley...

Wait. Wesley Snipes?

No.

Wesley!

And we kept bumping into each other around the station,

on account of the fact that I was following him.

So we decided to have a coffee.

And then we sat with each other on the way up.

And we talked the whole time. He's been texting me ever since.

A little question. He's straight.

Not that, but thanks for sharing.

Oh.

Did he not see the ring on your finger?

Could he not see you were married?

Well...I...kind of, took it off as soon as I saw him.

Donna!

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.

Don don diddly wonna don...

I know.

But you know when you just know?

And you didn't "just know" with Gaz?

To be honest, I did love him...I do...

but from the very beginning, I always assumed we'd just split up.

God, I'm a bitch, aren't I? Yeah.

It's a nightmare.

MOBILE BEEPS

No! No Donna. You have to save your marriage.

Delete. What did he say?

That wasn't him. That was a sim update.

But even they're funny with Wesley is in the world.

Wesley!

I'm so sorry. I had to see you.

Pillow Gaz is too damp.

Eh?

Nothing.

I'm really glad you asked me to meet you.

Me too. So...what are you going to tell Donna?

What? About us? What are you going to tell her? You mustn't be cruel.

Janet, I'm still going to London. I just wanted to say goodbye properly.

With my knob.

But, no, you can't! What about this? What about what we've got?

Janet, I'm married. I can't just throw that away.

I made a commitment in front of a lawyer. Which is the same as God.

Only they can actually take half your money.

But...I need you.

And this...this is right.

I'm sorry, Janet. I can't do it.

You bastard.

You cheat on Donna, and tell me you love me. What kind of a man are you?

A selfish one.

A selfish, horrible, gorgeous man.

I feel really guilty. But I've got a chance now to put things right.

And that means not seeing you ever again. So...

Let's just have some raw animal goodbye sex and I'll go.

By the way, I hate long goodbyes so...

No!

Look, I need you. Corinthian needs you. You can't leave us.

Stop it, Janet. You're making it harder.

Oh, you get turned on by anything.

I shouldn't have come. Sorry.

Yeah, you really don't do long goodbyes.

I have to go with my wife.

Not if I tell her, you won't.

You wouldn't.

Watch me.

What are you doing? You told me to watch you.

Are you going to dance for me?

No. I'm going straight to The Archer to tell your wife

just what her husband's been up to.

The contractions are really close together now.

I really think we should get to the hospital.

Louise, it's pronounced hospikal.

You've had two in the last hour. They said to roll you in when you were ten minutes apart.

I'm sure trained medics didn't use the term "roll her in."

No, but it'd be fun to try.

You're shaped like a sparrow.

OH, MY GOD!

Another one?!

Well, duh!

I'm not a welder, I'm a mechanic.

Just get me to the pub. My friends will help me.

How?! You're massive.

And little. Oh!

You're an "oxymoron"!

With your ubiquitous vagina.

Look, just... Move dead Jonny.

No, take him off his casters.

You can drag me to the pub.

Oh, Wesley. You shouldn't have...

He sent me a rose,

made of punctuation.

Donna, I've had opportunities to cheat on Mrs Claypole.

Many, many times.

But no matter what park or public restroom I came across these opportunities in,

I said no. No, Timothy.

Because it only leads to heartache.

And arse-ache.

But you're right. I'll delete his number. There.

Oh, no! I pressed dial by accident. Silly me.

Hello, Wesley? Yeah I've been thinking about you too.

Tim. Where's Donna? I need to speak to her.

Er...she's on the phone.

To a man. That's right, a man. Oh, you've broken me!

Damn you and your sophisticated interrogation methods.

She's having an affair! An affair! Happy now?

Wesley wants to meet up!

Hi, Janet.

Sorry. Wesley?

Come on! Faster. Mush!

So you're cheating on Gaz? I haven't done anything.

How could you, Donna?

I haven't even kissed Wesley.

Sorry, Wesley.

I just do not see the comedy in that name.

I think it's a nice name.

Reminds me of weasels.

You know they're my favourite rodent.

You said I was your favourite rodent.

Even if you haven't done anything physical, it's emotional cheating.

What's emotional cheating?

Where you fancy someone else and meet them for coffee

and don't tell your partner about it, cos you know you're guilty.

That's called working in an office.

If you loved Gaz, you wouldn't be doing this.

How'd you get here before me?

I only stopped for six or seven pints at the Mayhew. It's not like women can run.

Gaz, we need to talk. How could you?

I didn't do anything.

Right. Sorry, what?

What?

What's going on? What do people know and not know?

About what? For example...

Has Janet just told you that I know you don't love me

and that I'm having an affair with Janet.

No. I haven't.

Oh...

Hoo...

How's the packing coming along?

Eh, fancy a pint?

Yes.

So that's...um...

That's one for you.

And that's one for you.

I'm in labour! Help!

I am so glad I work here.

Donna! Donna, look we need to talk.

Donna, I am so sorry.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, talk, then.

What is it you think you can say

to make this adorable situation any cosier?

Do frigging tell me, you pair of bastards!

What's a cun?

You are!

Munch! I'm scared.

Don't worry. A lot of women are scared of me.

You just have to trust me that I won't get my knob out.

Almost five times out of ten it won't happen.

No...

I need you.

I need someone to hold my hand, you silly triffid.

Er...

The other one.

Just send me kind thoughts.

Ah!

Donna!

Jonny!

I'm so sorry.

No, they're right, that's creepy.

Donna...

There's nothing you say can make me feel any better.

Do you know how hard it was to forgive you the first time?

It took every ounce of strength in my body.

I couldn't sleep, it made me ill!

I lost weight, I couldn't sleep.

It made me repetitive.

You nearly killed me.

We made a mistake. We're sorry.

Don't you dare! Don't you dare say you're sorry! OK...

Borry?

I'm very borry too.

I should have known this'd happen again.

I've watched you get closer and closer, laughing together.

I can't believe I trusted you.

It was pretty stupid of you. I agree.

Jonny's not even cold in the ground.

We had an early frost. I think he is. I can't look at you,

I hate the pair of you!

You've ruined my life.

Everything's just gone.

So I'm gonna go to London as soon as I can. Tomorrow.

And I don't want you coming anywhere near me.

To meet Wesley?

What?

Are you going to meet Wesley?

Don't even go there Janet Keogh nee Smith.

Why not, Donna Wilkinson nee Henshaw?

Who's Wesley?

Shut up, Gaz Wilkinson nee Wilkinson!

Wesley is the person Donna's been emotionally cheating on you with.

Wesley!

I'm sorry, sorry. It's just a stupid name. Sorry.

Eee!

BABY CRIES

She's perfect.

She's beautiful.

Just like her mother.

Who's her mother?

Thank you for helping, Munch.

No bother. I'll be off then.

Wait... You know what I'd like to name her?

Oh, Louise. I'd be honoured if you...

I'll name her Louise. Because she looks just like Louise.

Who is I.

Oh. I see.

Louise Munch Brooks.

Ah! She's gorgeous.

Like a dwarf.

Let's hope I never stand on her.

I am so not calling you Munch.

Your name is Louise Louise Brooks.

You two just leave!

You deserve each other, you deserve this life.

This town,

this lack of museums.

We've got a cycle museum.

It's a BMX tied to a fence!

I deserve better.

I deserve bright lights and too many Starbucks.

What's a Starbucks?

Don't know, I'm not a sci-fi fan.

Come on, Gaz. Let's just go. We've ruined everything.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, my God!

What have I done now?

That screen saver of those shaven koalas

was already on that phone when you bought it.

No.

My wages are double what I was being paid,

they're giving me accommodation,

and a Volvo.

A Volvo!

In London.

Shit. What?

Gaz, I don't love you.

Well, that's rubbing ointment into the wound.

Salt.

What? You rub salt into the wound.

Why would you do that? That'd really smart!

I don't mean I don't love you. I do,

but I need this opportunity.

I love my work and we're not meant to be together.

No, we're not.

And you and Janet. You know, I can see that working.

Because...you're scum.

In a nice way.

We are. Yeah.

So then be together. This is weird.

Don't trust her Gaz, she's got a crazy look in her eye.

No, no. That's just glaucoma.

I like it. But I like clouds, so...

Gaz, we're really good mates.

And Janet, you're like a sister to me.

You hate your sister.

A brother. Your brother got Louise pregnant.

You're like a friend to me.

I am your friend. I'm your best friend.

But right now the most important thing in my life is my job

and the chance for happiness. Not necessarily with Wesley.

But with someone...something else.

GAZ SNIGGERS

Sorry, sorry. It's just Wesley, sorry!

So I'm gonna go to London tomorrow.

But you should be together.

And Gaz...

you're gonna make a great dad.

Thank you.

Group hug.

Come on, eh?

Gaz, that's just inappropriate.

I'm really going to miss you, Mum. Thanks, Munch.

So am I.

So am I.

Although I must admit,

it's gonna be a hell of a lot easier poking Janet now.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah! Louise Brooks. Back in a size four. Ha!

Have it, Posh, you fat slag.

I really love her.

She goes with everything!

CAR HORN

Right, that's me.

I wanted to say something to each of you,

something profound that'll stay with you.

But he's probably put his meter on, so I'll just...

Donna! Donna, wait, wait.

Well, you said you hated long goodbyes.

Yeah, I do.

Everything's gonna be all right, isn't it?

Yeah, everything's gonna be fine.

Janet! Janet, what's wrong?

Jonny died.

Yum, yum, yum.

What the frigging hell's that?

Oh, Jonny!

Gonna shit.

Oh, my God!

Hiya!

GLASSES SMASH

I'm sorry!

Knock yourself out.

Honk, honk!

Step, step, shimmy.

I hate the pair of you!

BAA!

Baby time.

Jonny's favourite butt plug.

SHRIEKS

What the hell is going on?

Oh, suck my semi-functioning balls!

She's beautiful.

I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.

Probably always will.

Shall we go home?

Which one?

Ours.

You, me...Corinthian.

When the fuck did that happen?