Original subtitles

Five, four, three, two, one. And act!

This programme contains adult humour.

Eating bananas makes sperm taste just like bananas.

Gaz must be eating a lot of rotten mackerel.

Donna, Donna! It's booked. The registry office is booked.

You're finally going to be mine.

For better, for worse.

Mostly worse, I grant you.

Gaz, if I can't find a job, there's not gonna be a wedding.

The Archer's re-opening.

Yeah, I know. I can finally drink again. When did you stop?

Last night.

Well, this morning.

Then.

They've got a relief manager in, instead of Janet. I could do that. How hard could it be?

They're looking for barmaids. I could do that.

"Pint for you, sir? Peanuts?

"No, sorry, we don't do scratchings.

"If you don't like it, take your business elsewhere.

"No, I'm not joking. Get out!

"I don't care if you are Billy Joel, GET OUT MY PUB, YOU..."

I'm gonna go for it. You know, just till something better comes along.

Yep, and we really need the cash.

How exciting. We're actually getting married.

Yeah.

"Yeah"?

This is the happiest day of our lives, all I get is a "Yeah"?

I'm not an excitable person. I can't stand what you people call fun.

Have a banana.

Yeah, Jonny, I love you.

You want to talk to Corinthian?

Actually he's tied up at the minute. No, not literally!

Gaz, untie Corinthian.

Listen, just have a good time. You deserve this.

Not everybody would have the guts to enter a TV Quick competition

to fly to Hawaii to jump over a shark on a pair of water-skis in 22 minutes and 15 seconds, is it?

You are so brave. OK, kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.

Kiss, kiss. No, you hang up. No, you hang up.

No, you hang up. No, you hang up.

Look, Jonny, you're cutting up. There must be a...

MOO! ..cow on the line.

I love you. Bye!

So exciting, what's he doing? Gaz?

Isn't it exciting? Is he having fun? I love fun. Fun! Oi!

Where's my jumping up and down, hyper, "Ooh, Gaz, isn't it exciting, fun, fun!" voice?

He's just landed. He bought a novel.

Imagine. How the other half live, eh?

I'm so excited for him. Yes, I think we get it.

Jonny loves his competitions.

So far, he has won a go on a tractor, a goldfish...

May Bubbles rest in peace. But by God, he was tasty.

And now this. Hawaii!

NORTH-Ha-why-aye, man.

I understand the Hawaii bit.

Everyone loves Italy.

But why would anyone want to water-ski over a shark?

Ehhh! You're just jealous.

I am not. I don't get jealous. Peter Andre.

Yeah, but how could one person have that much talent? It's unfair.

He's already got one of those flowery shirts.

Like Americans wear when they're VERY proud of being obnoxious wankers?

No. He said it's more frilly than that.

And more transparent. With embroidery.

He's bought a blouse, hasn't he? Yeah.

And a flick and floop and a do, do, do.

OK, Archer. Shine for Timothy!

Ciao!

Ah! What are you?

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. What is that?

What? Oh, this? It's my beauty.

No, the noise from your face.

It hurts here, here and here.

Flourish and kick.

Is this the refurb? It looks exactly the same.

How dare you!

This pub is now a themed pub.

And the theme is "John".

John Barrowman.

So, are you the relief manager then?

Are you?

Speak up, boy!

Oh, mother, make the noises stop!

Weird, aren't ya?

I'm here for the barmaid's job, you oaf.

Temporarily. Till I'm discovered.

By what? Another bat?

Are you talking about my voice?

Well, duh. Oh, I get it. You fancy me.

Well, we can work through that as long as we remain professional.

Pardon? OK, maybe I'll let you grope me at Christmas.

But only if you give me Tuesdays off, that's when I get me bum sucked out.

Oh. Colonic irrigation. If you like. So, how about it?

No, thanks. I don't want to get sweet corn in my teeth. Atkins.

No, a job. I want a job as a barmaid.

I just don't think I could stand how you speak.

What's up with how I speak?

Ah!

Thank you. And it's a great white shark.

Isn't that great? And white? And shark?

Like in Jaws? And like in Jaws 2, let's watch it.

God, I'm really excited.

You've said! What's up with you?

All this fuss and excitement over Jonny. I'm the one getting married. What's he contributed to the world?

Jonny has the largest collection of scabs this side of Kate Moss's underwear.

So what? I can do better than that.

He is fairly scabby, Janet. I'd watch out.

No, I'm going to do something so exciting,

you'll shit in your own eyes with glee.

I can't imagine anything being so very, very gleeful

that I would open my bowels into my own retina.

I'm going to do something so big, so enormous,

that Jonny's shark jump will be unsignificant.

It's "insignificant".

It's working already.

I want to do something special for Jonny, to celebrate jumping the shark.

I've heard there's this restaurant. Really classy, like.

I want to take him there. It's called "Nandoss".

I need money for a place like that, so...

I heard they have chicken, yeah, on a stick.

Yeah. I heard they have coleslaw in an earthenware pot.

But I need a job, so...

Have you seen the barmaiding job in the paper? Yeah, I'm going for it. Watch this.

Yeah, what?

That's all I've got. What do you want, fireworks?

I was going to go for it as well. You don't mind?

It's a pub. There's bound to be more than one barmaid, you big silly.

Runcorn is the alcoholism capital of the north.

Yeah, you're right, but I do wish they wouldn't put it on the town logo.

Yeah. I was getting worried then. It'll be fun, us working together. Yeah, of course!

MUSIC FROM JAWS

I've got to change my ringtone.

Hello? Oh, Jonny, guess what.

I am taking you to "Nandoss".

Yes, there is, in an earthenware pot.

And another thing, I may have a slight rhotacism,

I may not be able to say the letter R,

but otherwise, I have beautiful speech patterns.

My voice is halfway between Judy Garland and Mariella Frostrup.

Halfway between a corpse and a chain smoker.

A winner every time. Just go, will you?

I'll show you, Timothy Claypole.

All right, Louise? What do you think of this?

Gaz, where did you get that snake?

From the snake shop on Church Street. Next to the lizard emporium.

Opposite Iguanas R Us. How dull.

I'll be at Janet's if you need me. I will not.

You all right? Eh?

Woooh!

Love what you've done with the place. Oh, thank you.

Oh, so you've heard. Oh, isn't it exciting?

Jonny Keogh is my utter, utter, utter, utter hero.

Jonny Keogh is an utter, utter, utter, utter twat.

Look, jumping a shark's all very well. But you watch this.

What do you think about that?

Well done. Though most members of Runcorn Reptile Society don't tend to do that.

The what? Oh, the meeting's in the pool room, Sebastian.

Yeah, yeah. But I jumped mine, so I'm more exciting.

I'm still more exciting.

Listen, if you know Jonny Keogh, can you get him to sign this for me?

Damn you, Jonny Keogh.

Damn you to a snaky hell.

Thought I'd nailed it. What could possibly be more exciting than a snake?

I'll tell you what's more exciting. Mark Wootton Exposed on BBC Three in 20 minutes.

Here's a thought. May it be the first of many.

I have done something dead exciting.

Four words. Naked, balloon, dance.

What's the fourth?

It's a bridge in Scotland.

CRUNCH

Ciao. Huh?

What's up with you? I just put BBC Three on and...

Oh, it doesn't matter. Don't worry, it never works for me at this time of night either.

Any pennies, I need... Louise, I'm just on my way out. Can this wait? No, it can't wait!

What do you take me for? A man like the man on the Guinness advert is talking about, who waits?

That's what he does. You know, that man who waits?

And then there's a horse.

Fine, just make it quick.

I need to improve my speech.

Louise, thank God. We've been trying to tell you for years. We didn't think...

I need to enunciate more clearly.

I need to get my tongue, lips and mouth around some diction.

Is that what the kids are calling it?

So, what I'm doing is tongue twisters.

Oh, I can do that. Watch.

No.

"Around the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran".

Wound the wagged what? The wagged what what? Fine.

Fine, Janet Keogh. You'll see. Soon I'll be be able to do the hardest tongue twister in the world.

The one with sheikh and the sheep and the sick.

And then I'll get the best job in the world. A shepherd? Do not mock me.

By the way, did I mention red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,

red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,

red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry,

yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry,

yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry...

Wed wowwy, wewwo what what?

Anyway, look. Watch this.

What is Gaz doing on BBC Three? Who's the cameraman?

BALLOON POPS

I think we need more balloons, Jonny.

This is a video. Jonny!

I wonder why he's always filming Gaz naked.

BALLOON POPS

Ooh! No, bad Janet.

I must focus on "Nandoss".

Ugh! Gaz, naked!

So, Tim, here is my CV.

As you can see, I have plenty of experience

and plenty of qualifications.

Well, two.

If you count being able to put my leg round mine and other people's heads.

I don't need that kind of barmaid.

I need someone with enthusiasm for the products, a good seller.

I can do that. Down this, then.

What kind of a deranged alcoholic woman

can possibly down a whole pint of lager in one go?

JANET BURPS

Sorry, was that yours?

I got a right thirst on, me, I ran all the way. Sorry.

Sorry I'm late. So, are we both barmaids?

Both? No, I'm sorry, there's only one barmaid position available.

I'll take it. Hang on, I'm getting married. I need the money.

Jonny's chicken on a stick is more important than your wedding. Cat fight. Meow.

Would that help me get the job? Because I am really hard.

I have previously killed a very small but very scary gorilla.

When I say gorilla, I mean spider.

And when I say spider, I mean it was a dream.

Look, I want to see how good you are with the customers.

Getting them all happy and entertained.

I want to see your karaoke.

There's no karaoke machine.

They got rid of it when Janet wouldn't stop singing "My Heart Will Go On".

Au contraire, mon cheri.

IMITATING PEARL AND DEAN CINEMA ADVERT

Yes.

Thank God for the Evel Knievel accessory shop on Church Street next to the snake shop.

All right, Runcorn.

Get ready for Gaz "The Sausage" Wilkinson.

Want excitement? I'll give you exciting.

Excitement is my middle name.

MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS

Yeah, baby!

Oh, yeah!

Let's see how they like this in the Archer.

OK, Timothy Claypole. Listen to this.

Boris Johnson was today being treated in hospital after a rare mosquito bit him.

A big black bug bit a big blonde bugger and made the big blonde bugger bleed blood.

Give me a job.

You're not even in the running.

It's between me and Janet. Hold on, where's Janet gone?

< "MY HEART WILL GO ON" PLAYS

Hello, Runcorn.

You've stopped!

Oh, my God. She's a nut. You know what I always say.

One nut can't cut to cut one nut, one needs a nut cutter.

Unless one is King Canute and King Canute can't cut one nut.

You never said that before. I know, I'm getting really good.

Arthur, tug it hard. Go on.

Aaarghh!

MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS

Yeah! Look at this - exciting or what, people?

Oh, bollocks!

CRASH

Well, Janet's going to take some beating.

Oh, I think I can manage.

CHEERING

Where did you get that outfit from?

I don't know what you're talking about. I always wear this under my clothes. Hit it!

chicken

I don't think that song really goes with the outfit.

So, Tim, you've had a tart in a tyre

and some inappropriate poultry.

Surely by now, you can see that even with my slight speech impediment, I'm far more suitable for the job.

Slight speech impediment?

Sweetheart, you sound like Flipper being fisted.

Fine. I'll be lowering my tone if anyone needs me.

And I don't mean hanging with rapscallions like you.

Look, you two have proved yourselves to be just as talented as one another at karaoke.

By which I mean you're equally shit. We both need the job. There must be something else we can do.

Well, let's see, do you have any special skills?

I kill gorillas in my dreams. Well, I can do this.

I'm never going to be exciting. May as well just give up now.

Gaz, you're almost a man.

I need to learn how to speak in a man's voice.

I need to swallow something that makes me throat sore.

Well, don't look at me.

My emissions are like a banana smoothie.

Hey, is that exciting? No.

Fine, I'll just eat fire or something.

Or get one of those voice synthesising machines

that always seem to come with a free wheelchair.

That's it!

I'll set fire to me knob.

No, not again.

Although...fire is exciting.

More exciting than a shark.

Oh, yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Aloha! We're not here but if we were,

we would give you a Hawaii high five...

Oh. "Hawaii?" I hear you ask...

Well, "Ha-why" not?

MACHINE BEEPS

This is Mano Ventura from the State of Hawaii Sheriff's Office.

We are trying to reach Mrs Janet Keogh regarding your husband Jonny.

Our number is 001 808...

Well, I can do this.

Yes, well, I can do this.

Ooh, good work. Well, I can do this.

Quite impressive. But I can do this.

Well, I can do this.

What am I doing there? What's this? Oh!

Well, I can do this.

I can speak six languages. Overruled! No, she can't.

How would you know? Or, in Czech... Grah blah zinkski.

Oh, yeah? Well in that case, I speak seven languages.

Or, in French, eurf nurf nurf nurf nurf.

I think maybe you should have picked a language nobody in the pub is likely to have encountered.

Eurf nurf nurf nurf nurf.

God, you're fluent.

Listen, girls. I've already made my decision.

"I am the God of Hellfire."

Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?

I got Arthur to record anything I'm likely to say onto this.

And how often do you say, "I am the God of Hellfire"?

More often than you'd think. Watch this.

"Janet, that tracksuit is unflattering."

Is that what Arthur sounds like? He needs to give up the fags.

"That is correct."

"Now give me a job."

"No."

All right. Hello, everyone. Your attention, please.

I've finally found a way to be more exciting than Jonny.

Where are you going to put those sticks, Gaz? Oh, ho, ho, the tension mounts.

My bride-to-be is getting all turned on by her dangerous, exciting fiance. I'll lick you later.

No, I'm not. I'm just frightened of another trip to A&E.

I sat on it, all right?

How do you accidentally sit

on a can of Dr Pepper?

You'd be surprised.

"I have often had a can of Dr Pepper removed from my anus."

Arthur insisted on that one himself.

Come on, Gaz, what's this great feat you're planning?

Bet it's not as good as jumping over a shark in Hawaii.

Can I smell alcohol on your breath?

Yes, yes you can. For a very good reason.

For I am going to eat fire, fire, fire, fire.

And I've also been drinking a lot, a lot, a lot... Wait a minute.

Who's got the job, Tim? Me or Janet? Or me.

Um, well...

I've decided to go with Janet.

You are overqualified, Donna.

And she pulled an egg out of her mouth. An egg!

Thank you, thank you!

I'm going straight home to phone Jonny. We will have "Nandoss"!

Oh, my God.

Check it out!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

'..55-734 and we would really appreciate it

'if you would return our call as a matter of urgency.'

Ooh, they want me to fly out!

BUTTONS BEEP

Hello? I mean, hi y'all.

Howdy!

This is Mrs Jonny Keogh phonin' all the way from jolly old England, innit?

Yes, that's right.

You want me to fly out? That's brilliant.

Why wouldn't I take it well? It's the trip of a lifetime.

It's great, and white, and shark.

Look, is Jonny with you?

Can you put him on?

Why not?

That's not true.

That can't be true.

Why are you saying things that aren't true? You big fat LIAR!

Say it again.

Sorry for calling you fat.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Here we go!

Oh, shiver!

You know what?

That really was very exciting. "Hooray!"

Finally, finally I've proved that I've not been upstaged by Jonny-bloody-Keogh. Hey?

All right, Janet? Oh, good, you're back.

I don't mind that you won, I don't want to be a barmaid anyway.

I'm going into the music industry.

I'm releasing Chick Chick Chicken as a 12" drum and bass remix.

I don't want the job, Donna. You can have it.

Thank God! In your face, Keogh! Gaz, we can get married!

Janet? Janet, what's wrong?

Er...

Jonny died.

He jumped the shark, but he fell in the water.

It ate him.

Oh, great.

And white. And shark.

"Janet. That tracksuit is unflattering."

Sorry.

Look at 'em. Gonna drop him.

I just need a hug.

Come on, babe. I don't want you getting too close to Janet.

Donna, why? You know why.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up

for the cast of Two Pints Of Lager.

Natalie Casey!

Will Mellor!

Sheridan Smith!

Kathryn Drysdale!

And Luke Gell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE