Original subtitles

Shouldn't you be at work? No Gaz, I should not, for I have been sacked.

What for? Maybe something to do with me stealing a van and crashing it into some parked cars.

That's just a guess. So what's in the envelope?

It's a letter from my real mother. What does it say?

"Dear daughter.

"I hope you can forgive me..."

My own mother reaching out to me across the decades.

Basildon Bond and a fountain pen!

That reeks of cash, I'm rich!

With bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

I've got a confession to make...

I've pawned my wedding ring.

Janet, that's terrible! I know!

Someone actually gave you money for that piece of crap!

Louise!

Anyway, I had to.

We're so skint I've had to start reusing nappies. You can't do that!

Don't be silly, Donna, I don't reuse them as nappies.

Oh. Just dishcloths.

If this is about buying your ring back, there's a fiver. You can keep the change.

No. I've got to do this on my own.

That ring is a symbol of Jonny's undying love for me.

I'll raise the money to prove I'm an upstanding wife and mother.

How? Phone sex.

Of course.

As of today, I am busty housewife, 36FF.

So now all I've gotta do is sit back and wait for the money to start spurting in.

Mmm... Thick, salty, creamy money.

Talking of my mummy...

I said money. Same difference.

I'm meeting my fabulously wealthy birth parents tomorrow.

Aren't you a bit nervous, Lou? It's a big step.

Donna, I'm sure they're lovely. They do live in Upper Runcorn.

You can't even smell the animal rendering plant.

Now then, Corinthian, back to today's lecture.

Modern snacking.

This is a pork scratching.

Bear in mind this is an entirely different scratching to the type

your uncle Gaz is demonstrating right now.

Although, interestingly,

both result in a build-up of powdery residue on the fingertip.

What are you doing?

I'm teaching my son to be a man.

So he's going to grow up to be a dirty layabout, like his dad? What's wrong with that?

I've barely worked a day in me life and look at me now.

You've got snot in your hair.

OK, look at me now. You've got a bit of peanut on your lip.

Now?

Jonny, you're wearing ladies slippers!

OK, point taken. But just because I'm a waster, doesn't mean my son will be.

You know what they say. The apple never falls far from the tree.

I didn't know they said that! When did they start saying that?

Jonny, I need to ask you something.

Whatever it is, I hardly think it's as important as the future of my first-born son!

I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

For God's sake! OK, you win.

It just seems that we've reaching that stage in our relationship

where it's time to tether the pig.

Well, congratulations, mate. That's brilliant news.

I've just wanna wait for the right moment. I want it to be perfect.

Candles and flowers and the absence of any foul smells in the air.

Which rules out tonight.

I should never have ate those jar of eggs. Have some of that.

Right then, this is it.

Can you smell eggs?

Donna, I...

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be late. What is it? I'm gonna be late. I'm gonna be late!

Now another case of mistaken identity for Lieutenant Columbo.

That was too close! Damn you, snooze alarm!

Listen, I've been thinking, right. About you and me and the...

You won't get away with this, you sick son-of-a-bitch!

Sorry, what?

OK, maybe now isn't the right time.

I've got big plans for you and me, Donna Henshaw...

Look, I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna offer me a job because I won't admit how much I hate being unemployed.

Actually... Please give me a job at the garage because I hate this

and I can't spend another afternoon trimming my pubes in front of Diagnosis Murder!

I'm sorry, the garage is no place for a lady.

That is sexism in the workplace. I can't believe you sometimes.

Right, I've got to get to work.

Listen, we'll talk later though, yeah? Whatever.

Just...pass me my Ladyshave on your way out. Thank you.

Ugh! I can taste Corinthian.

I must get a job before I go mad.

I'm swear I caught David Dickinson looking down my top this morning.

Donna, you own the garage.

Order Gaz to employ you.

Oh my God, you're right! I'll show him!

It's time for my immaculately manicured lady garden to grow wild.

On an entirely more interesting note,

I've decided to ask my real mummy and daddy if I can move in with them.

Louise! You haven't even met them yet.

I reckon Daddy's the one to go for.

Fathers love to please their little girls.

Piece of advice, never Google that sentence.

PHONE RINGS

Let's hear your impression of someone talking dirty.

Shh! I've got to get into character.

Hello?

No, I'm afraid you've come through to "Bored Housewife Please Spring-Clean My Mummy Cupboard."

No, you're gonna need extension 32 for "Brassy Fishwife Wants To Nibble Your Squid Rings." OK, bye.

Jonny must be so proud. Prostituting yourself for 35p a minute.

Off-peak!

It's usually twice that.

Anyway, I haven't told him. Janet, you've got to!

I know. I will. Just as soon as he gets back from the park.

I'm home!

Oh, joy.

Janet, you know how you say that I'm a bad influence on Corinthian?

Jonny, is that a cigarette butt in his mouth?

Right, I'm gonna raise him to be my exact opposite.

I'm gonna start right now. Come on, Corinthian.

Or should I say "The anti-Jonny."

I'm telling you, it wasn't making that noise when it left here.

All right. Excuse me, Mr Davies. What's up? I've come to start work.

No, I told you, this garage ain't no place for a...

Gaz, as owner of this garage I demand that you give me a job.

We'll end up having sex all day and we won't get any work done.

Like I'd want to have sex with you here.

So no shagging? Brownie's honour.

All right, you're on.

Out of interest,

were you in the Brownies at all?

Yep.

And did you ever wear one of those...

you know... them tiny brown skirts?

Recite the Brownie's Promise again.

I bet you got all your badges, didn't you, eh? Oh...

Needlecraft, eh? Yeah... Oh!

Introduce me to your Brown Owl. Huh...

It's a bit like that film, innit?

What... Titanic? No... Back Seat Bangers.

Mr Wilkinson? Can I open my eyes yet?

With you shortly, Mr Davies. Just about to...

cum... by... ya... me Lord!

PHONE RINGS

Warning, the following phone conversation may make your cock explode.

No, not literally. Don't go! Hello?

Sod it!

Janet, would you class flange as a swearword?

Jonny, I've got something I need to tell you.

You see, I've started this new job...

Oh my God, did you do this?

Is this that Anti-Jonny thing?

I'm censoring the entire house.

If we're not careful our son'll be a little hooligan faster than you can say Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

Do you mean ASBO? Damn it. We've got less time than I thought.

The way I see it, all I have to do is remove everything from the house that turned me into me.

The booze, the foul language, the female nipple...

The female nipple? How about when I breastfeed him?

That's where his goggles come in.

Haven't you thought about getting a job? Set a good example?

You're the only positive role model our son needs.

You're everything he should be. Honest, hard-working, decent...

So what's this job, then?

I'm a telephone...

psychic...speaking clock.

How does that work? OK.

People call me, and I tell them what time they think it is.

PHONE RINGS

About twelve. SHE PANTS AND GROANS

Louise! I can't believe you're really here.

Yes, this is me, that little girl you accidentally gave away!

Look at you! You're so, so...so...

Let's say beautiful.

Where's Daddy? Louise, your daddy isn't here.

Oh! I like that. We'll have to see about that wallpaper.

Mummy? I really have to ask you something.

Right. Be honest with me now. OK, then.

That double garage.

Are they both yours, or does one belong to next door?

Right then, Donna, get yourself up on that car-lift. Time I serviced your undercarriage.

Gaz, you can't do this. I can, I've learnt now.

I'm not doing it well unless my eyelids are sticky.

No, this. Us shagging all the time. What are your customers gonna think?

Can I open my eyes yet, Mr Wilkinson?

Two minutes, Mr Davies!

No, I suppose you're right. We can't let the business suffer.

Well, what if you treat me like one of the lads?

You know, I'll be...

Don Henshaw.

Blokey-bloke, then you won't want to have sex with me.

Excuse me, Mr Davies.

All reet, Gaz? All right, Don.

I dee like a nice fat lassie with a reet wobbly set of botty-clackers.

This might work cos I'm going off sex already.

Right, I want you to sort my car out, and I want my hat...

I'll tell ya what ya'll dee. Shut ya chuffin' mouth until ya spoken tee!

I'll twat ya into next week! OK, then. Can I have my hat back?

No!

Wow!

There we go.

Well, that's it. I've censored the entire house.

Let's see if I can find some wholesome family entertainment.

Oh, look, a wildlife documentary.

Ah, look at that, a mummy and daddy hippo.

And what's that daddy hippo doing now?

Wait. No. Don't look, son.

I'll just put a piece of gaffer tape over that.

There you go. There we go.

Oh, he's moved it.

Right, that's got it.

Wow. He's really putting it about a bit, isn't he?

Keep it still, hippo.

Just keep it still!

Damn you, hippo! Damn you and your gargantuan penis all the way to hell!

Oh, bugger, I said penis.

Oh shit, I said bugger.

You know what the real problem is here, Corinthian?

It's not that hippo's penis at all.

I've taken everything out of the house that could turn you into me except for one thing.

BABY GURGLES

Gaz?

I need you to leave your phone on for a while.

Cos I need you to look after Corinthian until I get to the pub.

No, he'll be safe enough if I leave the mobile next to his little brain.

It's best if I stay away for a while.

Janet!

I'm just taking Corinthian to the... HE MUMBLES

OK.

PHONE RINGS OK, this is the one!

Mmm, my tits are so big.

So big and heavy...

Oh, you like it when I talk about my tits, don't you?

OK, my tits are so big that they give me back problems.

In fact, my boobs are so large

I often get weeping sores in the creases beneath. ..Hello?

Listen to Daddy.

Jobs are brilliant.

Books aren't just for the gays...

Jonny, Jonny, Jonny...

Kids always rebel.

Look at that Stuart Little. His parents were all respectable and well to do and what happens?

He grows up to be a talking mouse, just to piss them off. Hmm.

The last thing we need is a rambunctious skateboarding mouse on our hands.

My point is, you try and force him to be a saint, he'll grow up to be a sinner.

So the worse I am, the better he'll be?

That's it, I'm gonna be a sinner.

I'm gonna leave the house without a hankie.

And I'm gonna be the worst sexual deviant imaginable.

Princess Margaret?

Gaz, you're a genius! Corinthian, your shitting, bastard daddy's coming home!

As soon as he's spunked your food money away on beer! You're a natural.

So how's it going with Donna?

Are you still waiting for the perfect moment to ask her? Him.

What?

Donna's not a her, she's a him.

She started acting all blokey at work to stop us having sex. Only now she can't stop herself.

I'm just gan tee the gents tee drain tha main vein.

I'm not gonna ask that to marry me.

I've got to do something. Maybe you could give her a cuddly toy.

Hold on! What you're basically saying that I should make a conflict

between the male and the female sides of her fractured persona?

No, what I'm basically saying is, girls like cuddly toys.

That's brilliant. I'll use her girly things to tempt her out.

I'd give it five minutes, lads.

However deeply buried she may be.

It was amazing, Janet.

I honestly thought I was going to break down and cry right there.

I just felt so good deep down inside.

Twenty-three years of age and...

I finally got to use a bidet.

Great. What were your parents like?

Oh, they were OK. Only met Mum.

Did you ask her about moving in?

No point. She's the monkey, not the organ-donor.

Nope, Daddy's the one. I'm asking him in the Archer tonight.

You can come if you like.

Might as well. I've not had a single caller last more than ten seconds.

Even Jonny goes longer than that.

If you include the seven seconds it takes him to find it.

Come on, Janet. It could be worse.

How? I've traded my wedding ring for a pile of dirty nappies,

and I haven't told my holier-than-thou husband that he's married to a telephone slut whore.

How could things possibly get any worse? See?

PHONE RINGS Louise!

Look, I'm thinking about my ring and now I'm soaking wet, so you may as well hang up.

Hello? You're still there!

He's still there! I can hear him deep-breathing!

Hold on, let me turn on my vibrator.

Now then, about my tits...

All right, then, Don.

You unconvincing Geordie twat.

Prepare to meet your maker.

All right, Gaz. Ah, Don, just in time.

I got a bit bored, so I thought I'd burn

a perfectly good pair of peep-toe sandals.

Size 6, by the way.

Burn the bloody things.

OK.

Also, me and a couple of lads are going out puppy-stomping tonight.

Fancy it? Aye man, I hate puppies, like.

You leave me with no choice.

Des Lynam.

Des, those...

..those eyebrows like...

like rutting sex-caterpillars!

So, do I have my girlfriend back?

Huh... What you doing on the floor, you big poof?

While you're down there, lovey.

I can't believe you're still on the line.

OK, what can the strict headmistress do to you next?

Oh, I know, stroke your satchel.

Mmm, your satchel is so leathery.

Oh, and what's this inside?

Oh, it's a big pair of bollocks!

OK then Nan, you take care. Love you.

Jonny, how long have you been... Long enough.

Nan says "Hi."

Janet, I know what's going on here.

I know that you're a dirty, horny little woman

with an addiction to phoning sex lines.

What? Jonny, no... Janet, it's OK!

The more we shelter Corinthian, the more he'll grow up

to be interested in sex and swearing and booze. You don't understand...

And that means that if you want to act out elaborate schoolboy sex fantasies, then we should.

Nay, we must.

If only for the sake

of our first-born son.

Oh, my God!

Oops.

I've dropped my pencil.

Better bend down and pick it up.

Don't suppose you could pass me my pencil?

Janet? Where's your wedding ring?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

We didn't have any money for nappies, so I had to pawn it.

You what?! Before you go mad, I've easily made enough money to buy it back.

See, I wasn't phoning a sex line, I was operating one.

Yeah, right. I've heard you trying to talk dirty before, remember?

"Oh, take that, you fat slag."

Jonny, that was you.

And I'm still really, really sorry.

I'll show you. I'll call the last bloke back.

It's ringing. < MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Jonny, what's that?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Janet, you've been talking dirty to your baby son!

What are you talking about? I left my phone in his cot.

He must've rolled on the speed-dial.

Oh, God, Jonny! What have I done?

I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, no, I've corrupted his tiny mind.

Hold on. I'm coming back into the kitchen.

Could you not tell you were talking to a baby? I bid you good day, madam.

I could just hear grunting. I thought he was enjoying it.

Oh no, and I've dirtied up his precious little mind.

Yes!

Yes... You have.

And don't think I'm not grateful.

What? Now he's been exposed to your filth, he's gonna be just fine.

He's gonna be a monk, Janet, a monk.

Think of all the free fudge.

God, Jonny, how are we gonna pay this phone bill?

PHONE RINGS You're gonna have to get that. I said I'd meet Louise in the pub.

Fine. Don't think I'm gonna be polite to your dirty customers.

Hello?

No, I'm afraid Busty Housewife 36FF can't come to the phone right now...

What am I wearing?

Funny you should ask actually...

Tight grey shorts, a maroon blazer and a school tie.

And what about you, Mr...T-Bone?

Oh, so basically just an earring.

Janet! Come and meet my fabulously middle-class parents! Look!

This is Janet. Hello. I'm Louise's mum.

Lovely to meet you.

And this is Daddy!

What? I've tried telling her but she won't listen!

Isn't he adorable!

Got my nose and everything.

Excuse me. Louise.

He can't be your dad!

You and him are, you know, different. What are you on about?

How can I put this? Look, you know the film Lethal Weapon?

You've got Mel Gibson...that's him. And you've got Danny Glover...

that's you.

Can't I be Mel Gibson? There's nothing wrong with being Danny Glover.

Janet, I'm not standing here in public pretending to be Danny Glover.

I'm too old for this shit.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Daddy, can I move in with you?

What? Now hold on, Louise... It's OK.

Let me try this one more time.

Louise, you know that film 48 Hours with Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy...

Oh! Bagsie Nick Nolte! I give up.

Donna, come and meet my mummy and daddy. He's not ya fatha.

He's the wrong chuffin' colour.

Oh, my God.

She's right, he's... Yes... He's...

Ginger! I'm not ginger!

I'm strawberry blonde!

Louise, I haven't seen your real dad since you were little.

This is all I have.

What? But I don't understand. He's...he's...

Are you OK, Louise?

He's wearing sandals! With socks!

Oh, T-Bone,

I think this naughty schoolboy needs another stroke of your cane.

Jonny? It's gone midnight.

Five more minutes, please. He's a really top bloke.

And I've made enough money to pay the phone bill and get your ring. Great. Now please come to bed.

I'll give you a biology lesson.

T-Bone, listen, I've really gotta go.

You hang up.

No, you. You hang up. No...

She'd get it. Just get in bed.

I told ya, I'm not that kind of a bloke. Donna, you're a girl!

Aye, I bet that's what you say to all ya cellmates.

"You be the chamois leather, I'll be the turtle wax."

You know what,

I had something that I wanted to talk to you about,

but it doesn't matter any more. What doesn't matter, Gay Gaz Wankinson?

That you and Jonny love each other?

Before you turned into an arse-brained knuckle-dragger

with a crap accent, I was waiting for the perfect moment to ask you to marry me.

Yeah, I know, stupid or what, eh?

Now sod off and let me get some kip.

Gaz?

Gaz, I'm right here. Donna!

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

The stuff after the bit about me being an arse-brained knuckle-dragger.

OK, so it isn't perfect, but...

Oh, Gaz...

While you're down there, love.

If Don doesn't sod off once and for all... Sorry.

So, Donna Henshaw,

non-manly woman?

Will you marry me?

All right, Louise! Who's your buddy?

If you must know, he's my dad.

Do you mind leaving us to, er...

Hello!

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