Original subtitles

I'm out of a job. Can you think of something to stick in this get well card to my mum?

Is she poorly? Yeah, she's in hospital dying. What?

OK, I'll do it, Gaz. I'll buy the garage.

Oh!

Mum told me... I'm adopted!

Like an orphan.

Well, not like an orphan, cos they're not necessarily adopted.

Rather like an adoptee.

Give me a drink

wet glass with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

'Welcome to The Weakest Link...'

Janet, I don't want to tell you how to raise your child,

but what the hell is that?

It's milk. His last bottle broke and we couldn't afford a new one.

That's Gaz's dream come true, that.

A big tit full of beer.

If you can't afford baby bottles, Jonny'll have to get a job.

He's tried. There aren't any jobs available in his field.

Him and that bloody field.

Anyway, he doesn't need to find a job now because I have got a job.

"Earn pound pound pounds working from home.

"You can earn up to £600 a week."

Making squeaky elves for kids.

You want to be careful. They try and rip you off.

They're only toys, Donna.

Not the elves. The people who run it.

You saw the flyer. "Up to £600."

"Up to" doesn't mean anything.

It just means no more than £600.

No, that would be greedy.

And I'd probably have to sign off.

Why not get a proper job? Hey, I'm getting promoted.

Remember my old boss was always throwing sickies.

I didn't think he's last much longer. Well, sure enough...

They've sacked him? No, he's dead. Congratulations. Thank you.

You know what I noticed in the toilets?

Was it my phone number on the cubicle walls? No, it was...

What?

I own a garage now, Jonny. It's my business.

I need to put that phone number where people will see it. OK.

If you want to, your words, advertise your business in the gents, that's fine by me.

Thank you. And the big picture of a cock?

It's me corporate logo.

I thought Donna owned the garage.

Technically, but it's me that runs the place.

Me that works flat out 24/7, never resting for a moment.

Same again, lads? Ay!

No, no. What I noticed in the toilets was a complete lack of baby changing facilities.

You're right there. Is it too much to ask?

They can afford soap. They can afford a hand drier.

They can afford the old feller who squirts you with smelly stuff.

I don't think he works here, though.

So why not a simple table for changing a baby?

It made the job very difficult.

I'm just a concerned father wanting the best for my child.

Yeah, Jonny, yeah.

Where is the baby?

You're such a role model, Donna.

Look at you, happy, full of enthusiasm, revelling in a man's death.

Stop it, I'll blush. And so dynamic. Buying the garage with Gaz.

Getting promoted.

I really admire you for that.

And I really admire you for...

You know, for...so many things.

That staircase is brilliant.

Louise! Hi! Or is it goodbye?

For I will soon be leaving this town to spend some catch-up time with my birth parents.

Either skiing in Aspen, or a month at the villa in Tuscany.

You should drop in if you're near.

Wow, Lou, you've changed your tune. Where do your birth parents live?

Well, I don't know yet exactly.

So how did you find them?

Well, I haven't so much found them...

Right. So there isn't a villa in Tuscany?

There are many villas in Tuscany.

Lou, I don't think you should get your hopes up too high.

Maybe your parents were normal people who couldn't look after a baby.

No parents of mine could be normal people.

That's a fair point.

Imagine Nelson Mandela had a baby with Princess Diana.

There's no way they'd be allowed to bring that child up as their own.

Still, you might not be THEIR daughter.

Or Mother Teresa and Saint Bob Geldof.

That'd explain my spirituality.

Or Keith Harris and Orville.

That'd explain your voice.

I'm going to find out who my real parents are.

And when I'm flying above you in my private hovercraft, you might wish you hadn't been so cruel.

I think there's some disappointment on the horizon.

Yeah. Poor Louise.

I actually meant for her parents.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

My God, I passed out!

It must have been exhaust fumes. I was nearly poisoned!

Donna, thank God you came. I might never have woken up!

No. Especially not with that blanket over you, and the pillow under your head. No.

And...Now That's What I Call Lullabies, Volume 6.

All right. I'm entitled to a break.

A break from what? You haven't done any work in days.

I have! I had an idea for rebranding the business.

Instead of Wilkinson Motors,

The Gaz Station. Hey!

I own the garage, Gaz.

I didn't pay £80,000 so you can treat this place like a hotel.

That reminds me. I didn't get my copy of the Telegraph this morning.

You don't read the Telegraph. I get it for the trenchant political analysis of Boris Johnson.

She's fit.

What? Anyway, you've got your own job to think about, your promotion.

I didn't bloody get promoted, did I? What?

Did you go in there shouting and demanding it? No.

I chose a quiet moment when no-one was busy

and I asked my boss if there was any a chance me having the dead man's job. And?

Turned out it wasn't so much a quiet moment...

as a minute's silence.

Ah.

It's not what I did that matters, it's what I am -

a woman. There's a glass ceiling at that place.

Is there?

Yes. And the only people who get to work above the glass ceiling are men.

Right.

If it was me, I'd want women up there.

Hi-ho, hi-ho. Hi ho ho ho ho ho.

Hi, ho.

Have you earned pound pound pounds yet? Nearly. Let's see.

ELF SQUEAKS

What do you think?

It's lovely, Janet.

It's really adorable.

It's just the sort of thing kids will...

What are you talking about? It's evil.

Reminds me of that thing from Child's Play.

Michael Aspel? Yes.

Jonny, there's no point covering his ears. I think there is. There isn't.

That one can still hear you. Ah!

How many of these dwarves are there?

Seven. Like that film, Seven.

But we need at least a hundred.

You can help if you like. No chance. I'm not touching them.

Jonny, I'm trying to do something for the family.

I'm trying to be a good mum.

Me too. I'm campaigning to introduce baby changing facilities at the pub toilets.

I'm thinking of that baby all the time.

Where is the baby?

You had him when you went out!

Forget about the glass ceiling.

The ceiling isn't relevant.

Maybe not to you, but ceilings are very important in business.

They're part of your overheads.

Fine. But that's not the point I'm making.

No, the point is you didn't get promoted because you're a woman.

Yes. Well, that's just sexism, plain and simple.

Yes, it is. You're a better rep than anyone at that place.

I am. It's not like you have to drive a big van or anything.

Well, I would, actually. I get me own Transit van. Oh.

Still sexist though, isn't it, Gaz?

Gaz? Isn't it? No!

You can't drive a Transit van!

I don't care whether it is the 20th century or not. It's not.

A white van should be driven by a man.

Hence the expression "women can't drive."

Why don't you just go back to sleep, Gaz?

I can't believe you just said that.

That's so sexist. You're a goddamn misogynist excuse for a modern man

and I for one am not...

That's actually quite impressive.

Definitely getting more attractive.

I could almost kiss you.

Mwah!

DOOR SHUTS

Janet, you wouldn't believe...

Oh, I didn't realise you had family round.

Louise, this is work. I made them.

I always thought such things were made by child labourers in the Far East.

Yeah, but I'm cheaper.

What you got there?

My parents. What, in that little envelope?

Sorry. That was quick. Is it from the adoption agency?

No, it's from her. The impostor who claims to have brought me up.

Louise, the woman who brought you up is still your mum.

I know, but she's in hospital and it's so boring.

I don't want this random stranger leeching off my valuable time.

"Louise, pass me some water.

"Louise, stop stealing me Lucozade.

"Louise, I just saw Jesus."

Just because you've got different blood, that doesn't change anything.

I know.

And of course, I still call her Mum. Good.

I just use inverted commas when I say it.

So what's in the envelope?

It's a letter from my real mother given to my "mum" when I was born.

What's it say? That's the problem.

I know it sounds silly, but I...

I just can't open it.

I want you to open it for me, Janet.

Oh, Lou. I'm so touched.

It'd be an honour. This is a big moment for you.

I'm not surprised you can't do it.

Oh.

It's quite tough, actually.

I suppose it was sealed a long time ago.

See what I mean? It's impossible. I was trying for hours.

I thought you asked me to open it because you were scared of what it might say.

No, I asked you because you've got beefy arms.

Look, Lou, I've got elves to make. I can't sit here all day tugging at your flaps.

Right! For that you're banned from the villa.

Kelly, I wish to submit a petition.

"We the undersigned demand that the pub sticks more baby changing facilities

"in the men's bogs and that.

"Go on, it will be ace. Love Jonny."

No chance. If we took any notice of petitions, that corpse would have been removed months ago.

But look, three pages of signatures.

Amazing, considering how quiet it's been.

Sometimes you don't notice people coming and going.

Delia Smith.

Orson Welles.

Sting.

Not THE Sting, obviously.

I'll show it to the brewery but it won't change anything.

One man can't make any difference in this crazy world.

See that you do.

All right, pal. All right, Gaz.

How's life working for yourself?

I've done no work at all today. Nothing.

Customers are leaving, the business is going down the toilet. But do I listen? No.

I showed it to the brewery, Jonny, but there's nothing they can do.

Right, did you actually show it to the brewery,

or did you just stand on the other side of that door for a few seconds?

I showed it to the brewery.

So there's someone from the brewery on the other side of that door, just standing there?

Yes. Who's been stood there all day?

Sometimes you don't notice people coming and going. What's his name?

Mr...

Pumplager.

Mr Pumplager?

Yes.

Can I talk to him? He's very busy right now. Even so.

Well, OK. Mr Pumplager!

Yes?

Oh. I, um...

thought perhaps you hadn't seen the petition. Sorry.

What petition? Nothing.

It's no good, Jonny. I can't let myself walk all over me like this.

I've gotta do something.

Have you tried being a bit nicer to yourself? What do you mean?

When Janet wants me to do something, she gives me little treats.

I do the washing up, I get a treat.

I put the toilet seat down, I get a treat.

She calls it the carrot and stick method.

You don't like carrots. No, but I'm very fond of sticks.

It's worth a try. Thanks, Jonny.

Don't thank me. Just give me a stick.

I'll owe you the stick.

Shame about your petition, Jonny. You haven't defeated me, Kelly.

I'm going to mount a protest.

Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Make some pathetic banner?

No. What I have in mind is much more cunning. Ha!

Jonny.

I think I'll call this one Simon.

He looks like a Simon, doesn't he?

What's up with you? Bloody work and bloody Gaz.

Everyone thinks because I'm a woman, I shouldn't drive a Transit van.

Should sit at home shitting dimbles like you.

Transit vans are quite big, aren't they? Not very feminine.

My God, not you too.

Is this a conspiracy? No.

Is this National Do Donna Down Day?

No, it isn't National Do Donna Down Day.

I just think you should know your limits and... Do Donna Down Day.

What?

I wanted to say it too.

Some jobs are more suited to women and some are more suited to men. It's a fact of life.

You're right.

I need a big strong man to open this for me. Where's Jonny?

At the pub. Good. I want to be sure I don't bump into him on my way to find Gaz.

I thought you'd be on my side.

We're not on anyone's side.

Fine then, Gandalf. Just sit at home with your goblin friends.

He's not a goblin, he's an elf.

Well, as long as you've got your elf, that's all that matters.

Donna!

It's all right, Corinthian!

Daddy'll be OK.

Don't be alarmed.

They think they can ignore my petition and I'll run away, defeated.

Well, they're wrong.

I'm not going to give up until I get justice.

Corinthian, in years to come,

you'll tell this story to your own children.

Let's see them ignore this!

Hi, Gaz. Ooh, a film.

Oh, good God, you are revolting.

It's Jonny's idea.

He said I should reward myself for every job I do.

So fix a car, have a wank.

Fix another car, have another wank.

I'm glad you're here, actually.

Don't be preposterous. I wouldn't stroke that thing if it were made of puppies.

Well the method's worked so far, I've not had a break in three hours.

How many cars have you fixed?

None, I've been wanking.

Well, I've got a job for you, Gaz.

This letter's from my birth mother...

and I need you to open it.

Leave it to me, Louise. I won't rest until it's done.

Urgh!

It's Castrol GTX. Oh.

Helps me to masturbate.

We're here! We're queer...!

Two, four, six, eight,

I think...eggs are really great.

No, I've got it.

Jonny, get down! The customers are complaining about the noise.

Then complain they must. Look, we can't have you hanging off the building like an anorexic King Kong.

Then bow to my demands.

I want baby changing facilities in those toilets.

Jonny, do you even know what baby changing facilities look like?

Don't blind me with science. Just bow to the demands.

OK, seeing as you don't know what they look like,

I'll see to it personally that your demands are met.

Really?

Well, yes, I should think so too.

And do you know why? Because I refused to give up.

I scaled this building and stayed till I conquered the beast.

And the beast, Kelly, was you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Curse you! CRASH

I'm just trying to do the best I can for my family.

If that means working from home, then why not?

Donna thinks I should be following some big, high-flying career but that's just not me.

I'm happy with this job.

I mean, that stuff about the elves being my best friends,

I mean, it's just rubbish.

Shit.

Right, Louise. Are you ready for this?

Yes. Yes, go on, I'm ready.

OK. Do you want to sit down?

Right.

"Dear Louise, this is your mum speaking.

"Your real mum, not the mental one you live with now.

"Sorry for having you adopted,

"but the travelling circus is no life for a little baby,

"unless it's one of those babies that can do tricks,

"which you can't,

"and your dad's in prison for robbing a bank.

"Say hello to Gaz for me.

"Your mum."

Gaz, this is an invoice for spark plugs. I thought you said you couldn't read.

No, I said I couldn't open the envelope.

Oh. You couldn't either, could you?

It's like a sheet of rubber or something.

Gaz, you're pathetic.

You're right. I am pathetic. I'm the worst employee I've ever had.

You know, I've done no work at all today, nothing.

I've had 14 wanks,

pretty sure I can smell alcohol on my breath.

That's it, I leave myself with little choice. I'm fired! What?

You heard.

I demand I clear my desk and get the hell out of my sight.

I'll be sending me my P45 in due course. Thank you.

You don't agree with sexual discrimination, do you?

God, no. I'll shag anything.

It's beautiful. It's like Laboratoire Garnier in there.

Jonny, it's an ironing board and a jar of talc.

It wouldn't have been there without my lone crusade for justice.

You know why? Because I had a dream.

Like Martin Luther King, and Westlife.

Well, sometimes people don't wanna listen to your dreams.

Then make them listen. People told me this couldn't be done but I proved them wrong.

Just think, yesterday there was one single solitary baby in this pub, and now look, there's two.

Give her a wipe from me, eh?

You know what? You're right. If people tell me I can't do something,

I should just go ahead and do it. Damn right you should.

If people say I can't drive a Transit van, I should just drive it.

A Transit van? I'm not sure about that.

Thank you, Jonny. Thank you very much.

Don't thank me, just give me a stick.

Donna?

Hello. Hello.

Ah! Get off!

Gaz! Get off him. Leave him, Simon. He's not worth it.

What do you want? I need to use your garage.

It's out of my hands. I've let myself go.

Yeah, you are looking a bit jowly.

From me job. That makes no sense.

Anyway, I need to use the garage to store my elves.

I've become too emotionally attached.

Oh and that does make sense.

Simon, this is your Uncle Gaz.

Say hello, Simon.

"Hello, Simon." Oh, you stop that.

He's being silly.

"Women can't drive."

Easy, this.

Piece of piss.

I can't believe I've been sacked. Me!

You're the boss. You sacked yourself!

Yeah, well I'd better tell Donna.

MOBILE RINGS

Ah-ah. No taking phone calls at the wheel.

Donna! Simon!

Who are them two bald bastards at our table?

You know you're getting older when the pub seems like it's full of kids.

Gaz, what have I created?

All I wanted to do was make the pub more suitable for bringing babies in.

Who would have thought it would lead to... People bringing babies in? Fate is mocking me.

You should have campaigned for something good, like table football or a late licence.

Or banning children! Let's scale the building again!

Sorry, Jonny. Got to get back to work. I thought you fired yourself. That was yesterday.

Since Donna smashed up half the cars on the street, I've re-hired myself with a pay rise. See you in a bit.

Don't leave me alone with these monsters!

Gaz!

BABIES CRY

I need to find a new pub.

I need to find a new career.

What? I thought you were going to earn pound pound pounds.

Yes, I did earn pound pound pounds, Jonny. Three pounds.

Let's be honest. Who would pay money for one of these ugly things?

Any normal child would be terrified of it.

It'd drive children away if anything.

I'll take it.

Come on, Brian. Me and you are going for a pint.

Jonny? Where's Corinthian?

All right? Shouldn't you be at work?

No, Gaz, I should not, for I have been sacked. What for?

I don't know. Maybe something to do with me stealing a van

and crashing it. But that's just a guess.

Well, you did me a favour.

If you want to go out and smash some more cars I could probably put you on commission.

They've already replaced me, and given the promotion. Both to women.

Oh, that's a good thing, isn't it? It's tokenism, that's what it is.

There was a letter come for you from the factory. Did you see it?

No. Hey! Maybe they've changed their minds.

Maybe they'll take me back after all. OK.

"Dear daughter, It is so hard to write this letter, knowing I will never see you again.

"I hope you can forgive me

"and know you'll have a better life with a loving family than I could ever offer you."

All right, Louise?

Oh, God, Louise, you heard that.

My own mother reaching out to me across the decades.

I'm sorry.

Basildon Bond! And a fountain pen. That reeks of cash.

I'm rich!

Oh my God!

I've dropped my pencil.

I'd better...bend down and pick it up.

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