Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

I've just come to tell you there's a ship needs a singer.

Sails from Plymouth to Mauritius tomorrow.

Janet, Speedycruise needs YOU on that ship.

But I haven't told Johnny yet.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

See you in an hour.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Bollocks!

Bollocks to bollocksing bollocksy bollocks!

And bum!

What's up? I can't believe you said "bum"! That's not like you.

Donna, don't start with the girlie talky crap.

We need to get home to enjoy my...

my pee-ness de resistance.

The only thing your "pee-ness" has ever resisted was a wash.

I've been offered a job. Jonny? A job! Brilliant!

Means I don't have to get one, I can bond with the baby.

My God! Where is he?

Jonny, that's him.

Is it?

Didn't he used to have a moustache?

Look, the problem is, the job's on a cruise ship.

Speedycruise. For three months!

How can I?

It's such a heart-rending decision. Should I stay? Should I go?

And I'd have to leave you all! Leave you I would!

Janet, this is a big decision.

The biggest of your life. And can I just say that nobody's really arsed.

And my baby, he's so helpless!

And Jonny, he's so feckless.

Oh, God! What do you think, Jonny?

I'll be upstairs killing myself.

It's OK. I understand. It's fine.

I mean... No, it's fine, honest.

All right? See you later.

See you, mate. Bye-bye.

THAT MAN IS A BASTARD! I'M KICKING OFF BIG-STYLE!

After a little sulk.

Aw, Gaz.

Newsagent run out of Felch Magazine?

Don't be stupid, it's his biggest seller.

Why do we live in Runcorn's gay quarter? Runcorn doesn't have one.

Then who's that effeminate fella who wants me to drink with him?

That's Jonny.

Now come on, what's up?

Donna.

I'm not good enough for you.

Well, duhhh.

My dad's retiring. He's selling the garage. I'm out of a job. What?

80 grand he wants for it.

80 grand! Bloody hell! You could buy a small meadow for that!

A small meadow with oats and barley

and perhaps a corner given to raspberries and strawberries.

Maybe a pony. You'd need a plough.

Sorry, I just really want a meadow.

What am I gonna do?

Isn't there any way he could...? No.

Maybe you could...? No.

Couldn't you just...? No.

Then we've explored every option.

You're unemployed Gaz. What are we gonna do?

Maybe you could...? No.

You don't know what I was going to say. I did. It was disgusting.

Jonny, please stop trying to kill yourself. It's so annoying.

I don't care. My life is finished if you leave.

Since we were kids, it's me and you. We've never spent more than a few days apart.

Except when I got stuck in that hole.

We said we'd never mention Kate again.

What are you doing? Glad you ask. I'm cutting up our wedding photos.

Because you're leaving me!

Jonny, they're our wedding day photos! Our precious memories.

Hold on. Some of these aren't even of our wedding.

I know. We only had a couple so I went through Hello! and decided who shouldn't be together any more.

It's splitsville for the King of Cyprus and his lovely bride.

Babe, you can cope.

We've been through worse and this really is my big break.

I mean, a cruise ship, "Speedycruise"!

Imagine where that could lead!

In two years' time, they could be calling me Janet of the High Seas.

Because I can hit that note.

SHE SCREECHES

I agree - that is stunning.

But I cannot allow this.

You're my wife. You have to stay with me.

Marriage is about being together forever against all obstacles.

Jonny, we will be but I've really gotta do this. It's calling me...

Listen!

SHE SCREECHES AGAIN

Fine.

Fine. Then I'm bringing out the big guns.

I'm playing the "You Shagged Gaz" card.

Oh, no, Jonny, anything but that.

Yep, we agreed I could use it once and once only to get something I really wanted.

And I'm using it now.

Janet...

you may not go on that ship because you once let Gaz hurl his load up you.

This is the one time you're ever going to bring it up?

That's really how much you care? Yes...

Though now I'm regretting not using it for that llama I had my eye on.

Fine. Fine. I'll stay.

Really? That was easy.

I'm such a good husband.

It was my dream, Jonny. To sing on a "Speedycruise" cruise liner.

But I suppose I've made my bed now and... Brilliant! I'm going for a kip.

I beg your pardon?

100...

There's £100,000... Can you believe...?

So...I'm rich!

I'm rich!

But you're poor. I'm sorry - have my wine gums!

I'm rich!

I'm fairly rich, I tells ya!

OK. OK. Stop. You have a beautiful voice.

Just like me!

No, I do have talent. I just need an outlet for it.

It's my dream and...

< Mah...

Did you hear that? What?

Corinthian just said, "Mah".

Though I think what he was trying to say was, "Mah heart will go on."

Oh, you are so talented! Yes!

Come on, try this.

Janet, I find it admirable that you're making inept noises at your child

like some form of cave-dwelling reptile,

but help me think of something to stick in this get well card to my mum. Oh, is she poorly?

Yeah, she's in hospital dying.

What?!

Kilroy or Kia-ora or kidney failure - something medical.

Anyway, very dull.

Louise! Kidney failure! You've gotta go to her. She needs her family round her.

That's what everyone says.

I just think cards say more. Look...

On the front, a train...

On the inside, "Sorry for your news!"

What more could I possibly say in person?

Louise, if I was poorly, the person I would most want to be near me would be musical genius Corinthian.

Really? Yes. Absolutely, Louise.

Oh. I didn't realise parents actually loved their children.

We do-oh... ray-me-fah-so-lah-tea-doh!

CORINTHIAN WAILS Oh!

HE BURPS

No.

Don't drink and dial, Gaz. Don't drink and dial.

No. Actually...yeah...

I will dial.

Dad! You're a bastard!

Oh, hiya, Gran.

No, I didn't actually mean he was a bastard.

Oh, he is?

No, it was a different world back then, with the blitz and all that. Yeah.

Don't worry yourself.

Love to pops. Bye.

Gaz! Gaz! Guess what?

The money came through from selling my mum's house! All the money, it came through!

It's so... It's so sad cos she's dead and all...

but it's so cool!

All that money! What I was thinking was...

SHE SINGS A FANFARE

What? And when I'd finished thinking that, I thought, this is the end of all our problems.

What d'you mean? You don't have to worry about being unemployed any more cos you can be my monkey.

Dance, monkey boy, dance!

What are you talking about? I said dance!

This is brilliant! You're gonna buy the garage! No, no.

No, no... Gaz, I'm gonna buy the mobile library.

Women and their bloody whims.

I wanna career, I wanna baby, I wanna mobile library.

All the same. What?! Look, Gaz.

This is perfect.

I get my brilliant career as bucket executive and I get to employ you in...The Donnabulibrary!

The what?

The Donnabulibrary.

Catchy, innit? I came up with it myself. Didn't need help from marketing or nothing.

Yeah, brilliant. But I don't wanna run a mobile library. I'm not... You're not what?! You have no job,

no means of supporting yourself and I have the power! Power, I tells ya! Yeah, but I don't... And, Gaz! And!

Didn't you sleep with my best friend once even though we promised never to mention it again?

Yep.

Stop the nostalgic smiling.

OK.

So, won't you, Gaz Wilkinson, be a grateful little bunny and come and work for me in the Donnabulibrary?

I thought I was a monkey, not a bunny.

Dance, monkey-bunny! Dance!

Come on! Yeah!

You can stop now. That's just embarrassing.

God, it's slack in here.

Yeah, business does seem a little quiet.

I wasn't talking about the pub.

I'm a prime example of modern-day manhood.

Janet wanted this stupid singing job on a cruise ship.

I clipped them wings proper-style and stamped on her inner pigeon.

That's what Donna's doing to me.

A mobile library. It's so iniquitous.

What? It's starting already! The books are coming!

The big words are after me!

It's vexatious. Rebarbative, even.

Ugh!

You know, my dad clipped my mum's wings.

I love the institution of marriage. When they first got wed, she wanted a job at the launderette.

She wanted to better herself. She'd seen EastEnders and the glamorous lives those women lead there.

Yeah, that blonde piece is fit.

If I was Martin Fowler, I'd relish the day I came shooting outta that birth canal.

So my dad stopped her. For the good of the family.

Quite right, too. So she's a housewife, then?

No, she's a prostitute.

A role model for many young business women.

She can make up to and over £4 a night if she has enough clients. What?! A prossie?

Janet!

He's so fractious. Ugh!

Come on!

Please be a musical genius!

Maybe I should try a bit of Mozart.

Fine, I know no Mozart.

Come on, please, out with it! I can tell you're gonna sing something.

HE BREAKS WIND

Was that an aria?

Of your own composition? Oh, you are a genius!

Guess what Corinthian just did.

Thank you very much, Janet!

OK. Yes, thanks a big bunch! My pleasure.

Thank you a bucket-load!

If you're being genuine, it's coming across a little bit sarcastic.

I went to visit "the mother" in hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was it upsetting?

I thought it might be. Are you OK?

First off, she didn't eat the grapes I'd bought her.

Said they were made of "wax", whatever that means.

I went all the way to IKEA for those, ungrateful cow.

Aw. I think you're covering up the pain of seeing your mum being ill.

Oh, God, no, that was fine.

But what she said to me... about her disease...

Louise, is it not good news?

No, it's not. Is she...?

Yes, she is.

She's...asking for my help.

Oh.

Well, maybe you should help her.

She said it's the only thing that'll save her.

Complete emotional blackmail if you ask me.

Louise. She's a mother. She'd never use emotional blackmail.

And you are going to sing, aren't you, Corinthian?

Sing! SING OR MUMMY WON'T LOVE YOU!

Oh... Oh, God, what have I done? What have I become?

I suppose. I mean, she did give birth to me.

The least I can do is give her my kidney.

She needs your kidney!

That's terrible!

A kidney! Oh, God, imagine!

I'm going to be scarred.

The incision is this big!

But that's like, an inch.

I know! I might as well be that elephant man.

You know, Babar.

Lou, it's just one of the things you have to do to be a family.

We all have to sacrifice something to live a good life. You, a kidney,

me, my hopes, my dreams and my elasticity.

Still can't crack a walnut.

I'll go back to the hospital, see if I'm a match.

My magnanimity knows no bounds.

Yeah, but I bet yours can still crack a walnut.

Janet! YOU ARE NOT GONNA BE A CHEAP HOOKER! You're not, you're not, you're not!

Donna!

You can't treat me like this.

It's egregious. Urgh!

What? I'm not a Donnabulibrarian!

No, I'm a mechanic! A skilled mechanic.

I can fix nearly anything you throw at me. Please don't throw anything at me! But I have loads of money!

And money brings power. Listen...

"Ker-ching!" Now dance, monkey boy, dance!

No! I am a mechanic!

I'm a bloody good one too, and I like it! But you'll like working in the Donnabulibrary even better.

No, I wouldn't! Not in a million years.

When was the last time you saw me with a book? You picked up Harry Potter.

That's only cos Hermione's become legal.

It's Charlotte Church all over again.

Please, Donna,

don't make me work with books. Please.

Really?

Really. Please. You know...

I'd rather be unemployed. I'd rather be a waster. I'd rather be Jonny!

Jesus, that is bad.

I had no idea you felt like that.

Yeah, well, I do.

OK, I'll do it, Gaz. I'll buy the garage.

Or a meadow.

No, I'll buy the garage.

Wargh!

Don't be a prostitute! Don't be a prostitute! Don't be a prostitute!

I swear to God, this had better not be reverse psychology.

It's not! Though I would utterly hate an egg butty round about now.

And don't be a prostitute! OK.

I'm gonna let you spread your wings, Janet. So you don't have to spread your legs.

You may take the job on the cruise ship.

What? I don't want to be the one to crush your dreams.

So you may take the singing job.

Oh, I "may", may I?!

"May", is it?

I MAY take this job on the liner!

I can go and follow my dream cos Jonny says I MAY!

Yes, you may.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Ha! Have it, Corinthian, you talentless has-been!

On one condition. Anything! I'll do anything!

I'm coming with you. I'm gonna get doped up on lemons to avoid scurvy.

I'm gonna watch Captain Pugwash to acclimatise.

And I've already got my sea legs - watch!

Whoa!

Whoa...

OK, I feel a bit sick.

Really? You'll come with?

It's going to be brilliant! They've got creche facilities for Corinthian and you'd be a great cabin boy.

A galley slave?

A pirate. You know me so well.

Ooo-arrrr.

You what?

Arrr, Jim lad!

What?

Land...over there!

Arrrr.

And once again, what?

I'm being a pirate! It's my new job.

You know piracy isn't actually a job, Jonny.

That's right. It's a calling.

Arrr.

Janet's the one with the real job. She's the one running your life and having all the money and control.

Arrrr!

You know, I don't know how I'm going to cope with Donna running the garage. I don't.

What you have to do with women is let 'em think that they're in charge.

So you do whatever they say for a bit, then when they're lulled into a false sense of security,

curl up into a ball and cry like a child.

That's no good!

I feel like, castrated. And not in a good way.

Do as I say, Gaz. I'm telling you, it works. Jonny, you owe the bar a tenner from last week's tab.

HE FAKES SOBBING

Fine. You can have until Friday. If he didn't have mental health issues, I swear I'd not stand for it.

Lou, how'd it go at the hospital?

Oh, you know. Awful for me.

Oh, poor you.

In more interesting news... I'm so excited! And so's Corinthian! And so's Jonny! Janet of the High Seas!

SHE SCREECHES

I get the results back later today.

Then I'll know if they're going to take my cool, cool kidney and shove it in her big fat back.

Aw, don't be daft. It's a good thing you're doing.

And I'll never bag a surgeon now.

Who'll want to marry a woman you've already been inside with a pair of callipers?!

Jonny married me.

I don't want to go back to the hospital. It's only my benevolent nature that's making me.

Jesus, will you two shut up!

Trying to buy a garage here.

Oh, I'm really going to miss you, my dear angry bitch.

And you, my beloved squeaky twat-bag.

Come on, group hug.

Oh, she's so far away. I know.

Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready?

Almost. Just one more thing.

Awww. Is that Corinthian's?

No. It's Jonny's. I'm gonna see the world! I'm gonna have a girl in every port!

I'm gonna eat so many winkles and be so popular I'll have seamen coming out of my ears!

Is he joking? No, the crew are allowed to masturbate in your ears apparently.

Excuse me, where's his passport? Who?

The baby, madam.

Oh, he doesn't have one. He's only yea big. We were gonna stick him in the hold.

Without a passport, he can't get on the ship.

But...

But...

Jonny!

What do we...?

Janet...

It's OK.

I'll stay with our child.

I'll stay with Corinthian. You follow your dream.

OK. Cool. Bye.

Yes! You fly, my darling!

You reach the highest mountain. Touch the brightest... OK. Bye!

..star.

I know, Dad. She really is the perfect woman.

I loved her in that Miss Congeniality.

Donna's not so bad either, is she?!

All right, well, I'll see you in a bit. Bye.

God I hate that bastard!

Right you, on your knees and polish my trotters.

Yes, dear. You have all the power and you're in complete control of our relationship. I know.

Look at you, eh? Employee. Colleague.

Staff. Co-worker. Hired help.

Partner? Slave.

But Jonny said... Dance, monkey boy, dance!

What? Work it!

Gaz? What's the matter?

Have I gone too far?

Have I emasculated you? I'm sorry.

Don't cry, I'll do anything.

Anything? ..Yes, even that. I'll get the shackles.

Master of cunning.

Janet! Janet Keogh - light of my life and damp on my tissue.

How the devil are you? Tommy! Oh, it's so good to see a friendly face. I'm so nervous.

No need. No need at all to be nervous. You've got Tommy looking after you now, girl.

As I said to Fiona Phillips the other day... You know Fiona Phillips?

When I get sad, I talk to my telly.

You'll be wanting to see your costume. Ooh, I get a costume?

This is just like the X Factor, only I get a costume.

There you go, gorgeous!

Is it a ball gown? Is it a cocktail dress? Is it...?

Obviously, once you've started the performance, you'll be taking it off.

Will you be needing a wax?

Juan from housekeeping is amazing.

I'm entirely silken from here...to here.

Then, he asked if I needed a wax.

I mean!

When have you ever known me to have a wax? Never.

And neither of us are working.

So we'll never have any money. And I love money.

Excuse me! I have a thriving smallholding with a number of potential investors.

Are you talking about your ant farm? Obviously.

Look, we'll manage. We always do.

It's not like we're a young jobless couple with no qualifications, no prospects and a baby to look after.

That's exactly what we are. I know.

We're doomed, Janet! Doomed!

Help me! Oh, how did it go? Are you OK?

No. No, I'm really not.

I went to the hospital to see what they said about being a donor. Oh?

I'm not compatible. Oh, well, isn't that good?

For you, I mean. Not for your mum. She faces certain death.

Mum said... Mum told me,

I'm adopted.

Like an orphan. Well, not like an orphan because they're not necessarily adopted.

Rather like...an adoptee!

I could almost kiss you.