Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

I woke up this morning and, er...a special...part of me...

was limp.

A couple of us are having Mexican. Join us.

Smells like we're having pasties. Yes, we are.

And when I say, "A couple of us," I mean me...and you.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

We haven't got much in for breakfast.

I think we used all the bread in that new game you made up.

Ah, crumbs in bums.

A personal favourite of mine. I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah, me too.

It was good last night, weren't it?

Well, familiar sex is always good.

You never have to wash beforehand.

You were great, though. You added a whole new range of moves.

And you finally found my G-spot.

In exactly the same place as Kate's!

If only I'd found out sooner.

Jonny, did you...? Did you get a lot off Kate, while you were with her?

Well, obviously. I mean, she's different, isn't she?

She's a whole other dimension. She's the Twilight Zone.

You're the Comfort Zone.

I can do stuff. Watch what I can do.

If I make a clover with my tongue, imagine my fanny!

Oh, tell me what you did with her.

No, Jan. It would be too weird.

I won't be offended. I promise.

OK. OK.

Mainly, she would... La-la-la la la!

The job is semi-permanent.

It's thirty-seven-and-a-half hours per week and you can start tomorrow.

I don't see a problem. It's at The Office Of National Statistics.

Look, this is a REALLY important job.

You've got to collate all this info about all these people. Information?

What kind of information?

Well, you know, credit history, criminal convictions.

I mean, they can check what you buy at Asda.

So I...I'd be like God.

Well, if God wanted to know how often people bought Persil.

I'll take it. I'll give 'em a ring.

And I'll be checking you out for a start.

Kiddy fiddler.

Donna, are we OK?

You left in a huff, I...sorry. I think we need to talk.

You said talking was for women and Kilroys.

Please! I don't want to lose you.

You're my bit of stuff.

You're me...me dolly bird.

You're my stinking man's trumpet.

OK!

Let's talk properly.

PHONE RINGS

'Wait for the beep.

'Leave your message.

'Wait for the beep.'

PHONE BEEPS

Donna, hi. Hope this is the number.

Look, er...I just wanted to say thanks for last night.

And, well, I really enjoyed it. I think we should do it again.

Call me. MACHINE BEEPS

Was that your cousin? He sounds super.

Gaz, it's not like that. I'm calm. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not.

Yes. Yes, you are. You're asleep.

And I'm not Donna.

I am Florinda, the dancing bus conductor.

Ooh!

Gaz, Gaz! Wake up! You're having a dreadful dream. Oh, oh, was I?

Well, thank God you woke me up.

Look! I've got a message.

Donna, hi. I hope this is the number. Look, er...I just...

He's my tutor. Your tutor? In my day, if a teacher did that, he'd be relegated to PE.

We just had dinner. Dinner? What restaurant did you go?

Not Abbra-kebabra. That's our place. No. What restaurant, then?

Well, the one...

on his settee.

Jesus, Donna! Are you stupid? He could have... How old is he?

30. And good-looking?

Well, only in a really fit kind of way.

Jesus! Am I stupid or something? You wouldn't have understood.

I need him to like me. I need good marks. You big prossie! That's not how you get good marks.

You work hard, climb every mountain and other such balls.

Gaz, it's not like that. I would have told you...

PHONE RINGS Oh! Gaz, let me get it.

What? So you can keep more secrets? I don't like secrets, Donna.

What's he got to say for himself? Oh, Donna, you forgot your smalls. They're hanging from my face.

Hello, message for Gary Wilkinson. This is Dr Chalmers.

I can't say much, confidentiality,

but I do need you to come back to the surgery for tests. Thank you.

Is that your cousin? She sounds super.

I can get Penelope Keith's phone number like that.

Why would you want it? And I know where Westlife live. Ireland.

Did you look us lot up on there?

What for? I already know where you live. And your phone number.

And Gaz's credit card has a lot of debits to She-He of Soho.

Has Jonny got, like, any sex debits? You know, receipts for porn?

Visits to Holland? An unhealthy interest in apes?

Oh, I didn't bother with him and his dullness.

Huh! Dull? Huh!

Since he's moved back in here, I have been, phew, all over the shop.

You've been whistling?

No, he's like... He's learnt these new positions. How many positions?

Oh, a lot. I don't know.

Anyway, it's not just the positions.

You know where they can spell out the alphabet with their tongue? Yes?

Well, Jonny's learnt how to spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery- chwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch.

Llanfar-blah-di-blah-gogo-daffodil?

But the thing is, right,

I get frightened that I'm not as good as Kate was.

Well, why don't you offer him something better,

something Kate would never do?

Mm! Well, I do have an incredibly flexible twat.

Just tell me what's wrong. You have to see a urologist?

Yes. I could be dying while you're gallivanting with some teacher.

Gallivanting? Yes. How would you describe it? Horseplay sits uncomfortably with me.

I want to support you if you're ill. I'm not ill.

Tell me what the matter is! OK.

OK.

My penis doesn't work.

What?

My penis died, Donna.

I'm important.

You're impotent.

What?

You're not IMPORTANT. You're IMPOTENT.

Oh, that's it. Rub it in. So what are you gonna do?

I'll watch you gallivant off with some bloke and his trouser snake. Brum! See you later.

Gaz, I'm sorry. I didn't realise. It's not funny!

Well, can I have a go?

My dear girl, if I can't get Mr Nudge to salute the Minogues, you don't stand a chance.

Yes, but, I've got a softer touch.

AND I'm feeling a little peckish.

Nothing works, Donna. I even made dumb-bells to build up his muscle.

From what? Never you mind.

Just don't eat the cheesy footballs.

Well, look. See what the doctor's got to say first.

We'll stay in tonight.

We'll get some...music

and some candles and massage oil.

Yeah, that might work. You think?

Yeah, what with me being a GIRL!

Jesus, Donna! If hard-core porn doesn't wake him up, Jean Michel Jarre and butter won't help.

Oh, here y'are! Here y'are. Oh.

No. It just wants a piss. ..Come on, you.

See what the doctor says. Maybe you're anaemic. We'll get spinach.

Spinach!

It's a Jap's eye, not Popeye!

Hello. Excuse me.

I, er...don't think I know you.

Eh?

And, er... I reckon it'd be dead rude, like,

to meet a stranger in a bar and do them.

That's a bit insensitive, isn't it? I'm sat right here.

No! If you were a stranger.

Or if we didn't know each other and picked each other up, it'd be sexy.

Oh, I get you.

Yeah, it's something old people do when their sex life's rubbish.

I got it from a problem page in Home And Garden.

That's where you went wrong. You want agony pages in porn for ideas.

"I'm a married man but imagine my surprise when blonde 16-year-old triplets opened a shop next door.

"Imagine my surprise when the wife went to visit her sister in Devon."

Jon, just try it out. It might be sexy. No, Janet. Sex is sexy. This is bizarre.

Oh, come on. Give it a go. OK, OK.

Hello.

Hi.

Er...what's your name?

I'm, um...Frances.

Frances! That's such a mum name.

OK, fine. You name us.

All right. I'll be called...

Dirk.

And you can be...

Felicity Titwangle.

So, er...

what do you do for a living, Dirk?

I don't do owt. You know that. No! What does Dirk do?

I don't know! What does Felicity Titwangle do? I'm an accountant.

Oh, that's really turning me on, baby.

Fine! I'm a...sex accountant.

This is stupid. Come on, try it.

Um...I'm married to a wicked, wicked man.

He won't ever let me perform oral sex and I LOVE doing that.

Better.

Yes! And, er...sometimes, when he's asleep,

I have to, er...

you know. You have to...?

Tickle the kipper.

Oh, my God! That's revolting.

"Jonny Kenner."

"Jonny Kenwood."

"Jonny Keogh!" Ha ha!

Oh, Jonny.

You're so dull.

Poor thing.

Oh! Eugh! Oh, buns!

Donna?

Been to the doctor's? What did she say?

Even she couldn't get it up. And she's trained to give men erections.

Where are you going? I was waiting for you. So, surprise!

You were going to see him, weren't you? No. It's only brunch.

What the hell's brunch? Can we talk about your penis? You want to talk about my penis

to whet your appetite before you go for a brunching off your tutor.

Brunch is a meal...

I bet it is. How long for? All day. I need him to see my assignment.

Oh, I bet you do. Not everything is an innuendo, Gaz.

Oh, I bet it's not.

Oh, by the way, the doctor said it might be stress causing me problem.

Stress? You? Yes. Stress. Me.

You sleep through Crimewatch music. Oh, stress has many forms, Donna.

The worst one being floppy cock.

I'm sorry, my bus. Just...

So, I tried to entice Jonny by doing a bit of role-play, you know?

It didn't excite him the least bit.

Surprise, surprise. The unexpected hits me between the eyes

Oh, here's Jonny. He's got us a mucky video. I'm so avant-garde.

Well, hello. Hiya. I went to get me job seekers and they had no record.

Oh, buns! So I can't send any money to Ngaru this month.

Who's Ngaru? An African child.

He sends me pictures of thin people.

Then I went to Blockbusters to get you "Gaytricks Reloaded"

but they only had "Gaytricks Lubrications" and my account's void.

That's weird. I think God is trying to tell you something.

Maybe God made an incy error on her computer.

Nothing to worry about. Well, I'll call the council.

Yes. You do that. God will have spoken to her supervisor by then.

Who's God's supervisor?

Dennis Rothschild.

Jonny, why not sit down? Whatever you do, do not travel abroad.

I wasn't going to. I don't like their cakes.

Just sit there!

Don't do anything. Don't phone anyone and don't try getting a job.

Done and done.

I'll be going.

I am not incompetent, OK?

Well, all this thinking's making me horny. Oh, brill! Me too!

Come on, then. Er...hold on.

I've got a surprise for you.

Are you gonna strip? Why, yes.

"The Stripper"

Push pineapple, shake a tree

Push pineapple, grind coffee

If we'd gone upstairs, I'd be on second helpings by now.

Come on! Wake up!

Come on!

Hiya. All right?

I've seen Donna with a strapping man. What? You saw them together?

Yeah. He stopped me in the street and he gave me a quid but I'm not to spend it on drink. He was nice.

What...what's he like?

Why, who is he? I thought he was her brother with his hand on her.

Where was his hand?

About there. Why? What's...what's the matter?

Wait. Is...? Was he good-looking?

Personally, I think he was a bit clean.

He smelt like girls in shops.

Munch, I need you to tell me how good-looking this bloke was. He's not, like, Gaz attractive.

Well, who is?

Me! We're twins. We're exactly the same.

We're not twins. We're brothers. We're twins. Like The Proclaimers.

Or The Cheeky Girls.

I like the fat one.

Listen, listen. Did he look like he could, you know, handle himself?

Oh, you'd win in a fight. What, you sure? Oh, you'd defo win him.

Not if it's Daredevil cos he's a blind.

And you must never hit a blind, even if you really want their dog.

Listen, listen. What about Donna? Did she, er...have her arm on him?

Why can't you ask her? She's not here!

I know. They're only down the road in Abbra-kebabra.

Phew! There we go.

All back and existing.

Oh, you're so dull.

Not even a parking ticket.

Let's see.

"Truancy"?

Tick. "Petty theft"? Tick.

"Murder"? Nah, that's too much.

"ABH"? What's ABH?

Ha ha! A big horse, huh? Well, you can have a big horse.

Tick.

"Armed Robbery"? Well, why not? Tick.

This is SO much more fun than stopping my nan's war pension.

No, you have to wait.

I'm thinking. But I'm hungry for love.

Look at me. I'm...I'm a hungry, hungry hormone.

No!

Huh! I've got it.

This is something brilliant. Something Kate never did.

Yes, but I'm horny now. By the time you've prepared this thing I could be crushed by my testicles.

You go out. I will meet you up at the castle in one hour. No.

But that's where your surprise is. Look, is it just sex outside?

The yard is considerably closer.

No. Not just outside. It's sex on the castle.

I'm not aroused by turrets.

It's not just the castle. It's something else.

Something really brilliant. The most amazing thing you can think of.

Oh! Mm.

Oh, little hint. As Oscar Wilde once remarked, "Oil your bumhole."

There you go.

Jonny Keogh, master criminal. Not so dull any more.

I'm so kind.

I've been with you all day. It doesn't seem like all day.

Donna, if truth be beauty and beauty be truth,

you're the most honest girl that ever...be.

You have a jalapeno in your hair.

You're so deep.

You're like a bucket I once knew.

So. About us.

Eh?

I really, really like you, Donna.

I like you too. You talk like a snob. Thank you.

So, are you going to stay at mine tonight?

Oh, well, I...

Donna, don't be shy. I thought we were adults. Yeah, but this is...

Yeah, well, what do you expect? Look, Donna,

it comes down to this. Will you come home and get As all year?

Or go home and get C minuses?

Oh, God! I thought we were friends.

Well, there's always give and take.

And it helps that we're attracted to each other.

I can't. Well, we can let it go now. You're free to walk away. But I think it might be fun.

We could talk about Pope afterwards.

I don't know.

Two consenting adults. No strings. No guilt.

Just good marks for great sex.

I feel really weird about this.

Come here, you. Donna!

Call the police! You get home. I'm not having this.

You see her again and I'll smack you.

I have to. I'm her tutor. You've not thought this through. No. You see her again,

in a non-educational sense, I'll smack you. No, I'll punch you. Gaz!

Don't stop me. I'm not having some perv impressing you with brunch.

I do know what it means and I won't wear one, college boy. Gaz!

Get off me. This...this is assault.

Assault you? I'll aPEPPER you.

You go home, Donna. We need to talk. Gaz, wait! Christ's sake! What? I think you should smack him. Eh?

He propositioned me. Oh, great. Another word I need to look up.

Punch him, Gaz! Go on! In the smacker! Give him a bunch of fives,

wipe his chops clean and knock him into next Wednesday and give him a thick lip and fucking fist him!

I'll stop now.

No, don't, please. I-I-I'll... I'll give you money.

I don't want money. I want you to leave Donna alone.

OK, OK. Just...don't shoot me. Shoot you? How would I shoot you?

The gun. What gun? The one in your trousers. I can feel it.

Y-You don't need to use it. OK?

I'm not impotent!

Oh, God, no! I never said you were. I'm sorry. Please, I want to live.

My dick is massive.

He came back? He came back.

Mr Nudge is back in town! Stay there, swot.

Oh, God! It's like prep school all over again.

You. Home. No. You home. You home.

Woman! Man!

Oh, bugger home! Let's just find a brunch.

Janet!

Jonny!

Phwoar! Bike sex!

Phwoar! Great.

Phwoar! Police sex? You dirty bitch!

Run! Run, Jonny!

Helicopter sex! This is well better than anything Kate ever did.

Jonny, get out of here! Go! What?

Are we joining the mile high club?

Jonny!

No! Get off!

Get off me bird! Get off me! No!

Jonny!

THIS IS THE POLICE.

Put your weapons DOWN and your hands UP.

Put the GUN down, Mr Keogh. We can see it in your pocket.

I haven't got a gun. This is just a Crunchie.

No-o-o!

Jonny!

No-o!

No-o!

No!

That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell

and that's Jonny.

Was written in the stars

Yeah

Oh

Into place

Your face

The place where we are

The place where we are