Original subtitles

It's a crowd of morons you hang around with!

And her - she's the worst of the lot!

New boss, eh? Very exciting!

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I shall see you later.

Where's Kate?

She's gone. I've dumped her.

This programme contains some strong language.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

'Ooh, brilliant!

'Free porn.

'Now I'll just do me warm-up before me morning exercise.

'There we go.

'That'll prevent repetitive strain injury.

'Hold on a goddamn minute! Where's me penis?

'I'm sure I left Mr Nudge there last night.

'Maybe I should just stare harder.

'That's weird.

'I'll have to call in the troops.

'Kylie.

'Not today, little missy, OK?

'Liz Hurley.

'Christ! This is getting serious! All right, I'm gonna have to bring out the big guns.

'Fern Brittain.

'Oh, hang on.'

Gaz, I'm not playing sex casserole again.

Have you finished yet? I need to get them sheets in the wash.

No, no. I'm not in the mood. What, YOU?! Are you ill?

No, I...

You always wake up gagging. Even I wake up gagging if I've slept with me mouth open.

I'm just not in the mood this morning, that's all.

Is it because I'm spending the day with a gorgeous man? And now it's inverted. What gorgeous man?!

I told you. Got my personal tutor today to check on my progress.

He can't be THAT gorgeous. He's brainy - you know the rules.

He's a PhD student. I've not met him, but the other girls say he's hunky-doodle-doo.

Well, the other girls haven't met me. And hunky-doodle-doo isn't the kind of vocabulary I want in me bed.

I have enough problems with me privates without chicken noises.

Well, don't worry. Plenty of men have erection trouble.

It's not erection trouble. I've woken up and he's having a lie in.

He has a very stressful job. He needs a rest. That's the spirit.

I'm sure he's not broken. Just keep your pecker up!

I'll have a pint, please, Norma.

No, I'll have a half.

No, I'll have a lime and, um...

I'll just stand here quietly.

Are you done with that, mate?

Your break's over.

You could have just asked! I'm your supervisor. I do not ask.

I point and shout and do this. Uh-h-h!

Shouldn't you be waiting on that order of gingerbread men? It's gingerbread PEOPLE, Janet.

Miss, are you gonna fire her now? Let's wait and see.

Fire me? What are you talking about? I've done nothing wrong. Well, I've got to assert my authority in here.

So I have no other option than to gain respect by sacking someone. And it makes me chuckle.

You've got to be cruel to be kind. That's what Miss says.

Exactly. Oh, speaking of which, how's that itching powder going?

Very uncomfortable, Miss. Excellent.

All right? All right.

Haven't you got any lager? Jesus!

What're you doing?! Something I should have done a long time ago.

I'm taking back me life by stealing your food.

You can't just...!

Ow! ..Oh-h-h!

What's the matter? I'm glad you asked.

I'm wearing a cock ring, Jonny.

Oh.

Where did you get that? I made it.

The postman dropped an elastic band on the fire escape this morning.

I fashioned the device meself.

Oh, right. Well, er...you know, what's the knob-noose FOR, then? Isn't it screwed on right?

It's...it's embarrassing. I can't tell you. Oh, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! A problem shared is a problem halved.

Well, unless it's a cold sore. That just exacerbates it.

Right, well... I woke up this morning,

and, er...

a special...part of me

was limp, like a wilted tulip.

Oh, right, I see.

Well, that's nothing to worry about. No-one wakes up every morning all alert.

Well, I do. Ever since the age of nine.

Nine?! What were your bedtime stories - The Brothers Quim?!

No.

I'd watch She-Ra The Princess Of Power before bed. She was well fit.

So how long have you been wearing it? All morning at work.

It's gone a bit numb.

You should take it off. The blood starts to clot after a while.

You could end up with a lovely bit of black pudding, though.

These must be worth a bob or two. Stop nicking me stuff!

I can't help it, Gaz. It's two days to me benefits.

I'm homeless, I'm hungry and I really want the new...

Commodores remix album.

You're not homeless.

Dad'll chuck me out if I don't stop climbing into bed with him at night.

I can't help it, Gaz. There's a monster under my bed.

Then get back with Janet, then. She likes leechiness. No way. I've got me pride.

Can you lend us 10p for a cup of tea?

Hold on.

Oh, no!

So come on, then - stimulate me.

Oh, I-I thought we were just gonna talk about the course, an' that,

but I'll stimulate you, though. It's no problem.

Er, do you like classical music?

I like the one that goes... CLEARS THROAT

SHE DOOBY-DOOS "Carmen"

Thank you. But we should talk about the course.

I'm really glad you came in, Donna. I get very bored talking to the admin people.

But, like they say, you got to read Dickens before you get to Poe.

Poe, huh!

Oh, sorry, are you a Dickens fan? Oh, no! ..Well, yeah! ..Well, maybe.

Sorry, I sound stupid, don't I? Um...

I didn't do much reading before I came here. ..Er, just TV Quick.

But the crossword in there is like "whoo!"

I mean, who knows what the capital of Greece is?

So, Donna, is everything OK at home? What?

I know it's wank, but I have to ask.

Did you just say wank?

Er, yeah. I won't tell if YOU don't.

So how did you get this job? Oh, I was just good.

Oh, right.

So if you study hard, you can achieve anything. That's inspiring, that.

No, if you study hard and your mum's the dean, you can achieve anything.

Oh. I'm joking!

Look, it's too hot in here. Do you wanna go to the pub instead?

What?! Why, this isn't like junior school!

We're allowed to socialise. I just fancied a pint. OK, but I'm buying.

I choose the subject matter, then. Go for it. What about...

student-teacher relations? What?

I'm joking again. Oh. ..You're hilarious!

Oh, and you failed one of your modules. Yeah, very funny!

No, your essay on The Merchant Of Venice really was shit.

She isn't serious about sacking someone, is she?

She's deadly serious. ..Deadly.

Do you like me biccy?

But it'll be you. I'm a hard worker and her friend Tracey's got four kids

and fat Judith can't actually fit out the door.

Well, odds-on favourite it's you. Why do you think that?

Cos she said, "I'm gonna sack Janet!"

Afternoon. Er, Louise, Kelly said you're gonna sack me.

Oh, how awful!

I'm sorry, Janet. ..I think you should apologise, Kelly.

I'm sorry, Janet.

No, not to her - to ME.

You've totally ruined the surprise.

I think you're out of order, Louise.

Well, you should probably speak to your supervisor.

You ARE my supervisor! Good, good. Job done.

But I could sue you for unfair dismissal!

I hardly think it's unfair. ..Do YOU think it's unfair, Kelly?

Life isn't fair. ..But Neighbours were good last night, weren't it?!

I haven't done anything wrong!

Letting your ex-boyfriend blatantly steal produce is a criminal offence, Janet. What?

PORN ON TV What's the matter with you, you snob? She's naked! Come on!

No?

God!

I need professional help.

'Hello, Horny, you've reached Girls United.

'Before you talk to our sexerific operator just gagging to chat dirty,

'please listen to these messages.

'Everyone likes bicycles. Even you, pervert!

'Here at Wigan's World Of Bikes, we pride ourselves on catering to the most masturbating of customer.'

Who are you phoning? Er, just, er...Granny Wilkinson,

but she's, er... 'Now I'm shaving.' Er, she's shaving, apparently.

Well, look what I'VE got!

Candles - ooh!

Ooh!

And wine - mmm!

AND a poster of Beyonce Knowles! You know what that means?

Well, sex. ..Er, no, I'm tired. Can we go snorkelling instead?

That's exactly what I had in mind!

Just don't get salt water in my tube!

I can't, Donna! What?!

Oh, c'mon, Gaz! Check me out.

SHE DOOBY-DOOS

Donna, no! I-I...

I'm just... What?

I've been sexually frustrated all day, I come home and you...! Wait!

Why have you been sexually frustrated all day? What? No reason.

You have a tutorial with a "gorgeous man" and come home gagging for it.

What d'you mean? You'd be thinking of HIM! I'd be doing me best moves

and you'd be like, "Oh, yeah, Professor Plum!"

Professor Plum? It's the only professor I know.

I can't have you thinking of someone else, so no Gazms for you tonight. Well, Gaz, women don't do that.

What? No, we can't actually think of anybody else except the person we're with. Sad but true.

Losers!

I can think of anyone I want when I'm with Donna.

Sorry, that's you, innit? Yeah, I know it's a curse. Poor womankind.

Now, pants off, lie back, and think of England. ..No, think of Poundland. It's more exotic.

No, I can't. What? Why not?

Because I'm insulted! I'm not just a piece of meat. Gaz, I don't think of you as a piece of meat!

I just WANT a piece of meat!

Come on, I'll do all the work! I'm feeling bouncy...

Bouncy Knowles!

I don't want to. Why? Have you gone off me? Don't you fancy me any more?

Yeah. What?

You're right! I don't fancy you.

OK, fine. Good. Now can we please have a non-sexual cuddle?

No, I am having a bath. Yeah, but... My boyfriend doesn't fancy me? Great!

I'm off to have a bath now. There was a young lady named Jean Who was constantly flicking her...!

Oh, come on! She did the dooby-doo dance, an' everything!

Would you drag a babe from his mother's breast so quickly?

I am so angry at you! Angry enough to buy me a pint? No!

I'll get the sack cos of your stealing! But you always give me free baked goods!

Yes, that was when you were my boyfriend. Oh.

Oh, that's how it goes, is it?

I'm very offended. Offended? Yes.

I think you should buy me a pint to say sorry. Buy your own!

I-I can't.

I have no money.

What about your redundancy? That fiver you gave me when you dumped me?

Oh, well, I bought some goldfish. They were delicious.

Oh, Jonny, there is a way round this problem, you know.

You could come home. Oh, what, you want me back? Just cos you're lonely, is it?

I was going to say bored, but... No.

No way, Janet. I have my pride.

Why not? I miss you! AND you kissed me the other day.

You tasted of milk!

We can't because... because I've moved on.

I've matured.

I've got to take control of my life and not rely on a woman to sort it all out for me. OK, Jonny.

So are you buying me a pint, or what?

Now some may see this moment as an incy bit Freudian.

I've had a lot of Freudian stuff lately. I had a worryingly ambiguous dream last night about a train.

I was shagging it.

I'm all ears. No, I think that'd be a bit inappropriate.

How about telling me about it after school? What?

There's a couple of us eating Mexican tonight. Join us.

Really? Me? Yes, you. You're interesting.

And I'm really intrigued by the train dream. What was I wearing?!

Well, yeah, I guess that'd be OK. Yeah, that'd be great. Excellent.

And when I say a couple of us, I mean me...and...you.

Yeah, but... And when I say Mexican food, I mean, microwave burrito

on my sofa.

Off you pop!

Yeah, OK. I'll see you later.

Patta-cake, patta-cake baker's man

Bake me a cake as fast as you can

Smack it and twat it and throw it at me

Then the boss'll let you have it for free. Yay!

You must be one of them geniuses. I think I am. Do you like spuds?

Yeah. Do YOU like spuds?

Yeah. Do you like sheds? Yeah. Do YOU like sheds? Yeah.

Do you like sofas? Yes. Do YOU like sofas? Yeah.

Do you like the Army? Yeah. Do YOU like the Army?

Yeah!

Kelly, Louise has already said about bringing your boyfriends in.

He's not me boyfriend!

I found him in a bin. We just clicked.

Even so, he shouldn't be back here. She'll go mental.

She already IS mental!

Oh, my God!

What is that thing doing here, Kelly? Just munching about.

He's not me boyfriend, so it's OK. It is most certainly NOT OK!

As you very well know, someone is getting fired at the end of today

and I think I've made my mind up who.

No, cake lady, no!

It's...

YOU, Janet!

Oh, God - I love power! Carry on. But, Miss!

Oh, and you, too. You're sacked. But, cake lady...!

You're sacked! Janet, I think I've done something terrible.

You're sacked! But I don't work here.

Sacked. Sacked. Everyone sacked! I'm just so...SUPREME!

Where's fat Judith?

I'm sorry, Henry.

SUCTION ON

Gaz?

Ooh!

What the hell are you doing? I was just hoovering me thighs. They get very dusty.

Oh. Well, me dad's finally chucked me out. I need to crash here. Why can't you stay at Janet's?

No way, Gaz! I've got me pride. Well, you can't stay here.

I've nowhere else to go. I wouldn't ask otherwise.

I'll sleep in the bath. I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

A tiny little mouse wearing ballet pumps.

I'm sorry, Jonny. I can't cope with that. I've got me own problems.

Oh, yeah. How IS Mr Nudge feeling?

He's not an invalid! You should take him to the doctor's.

What will they do - stick him in a splint They could give you Viagra.

Viagra's for dirty old men and dusty-muffed women.

Well, maybe he needs counselling.

Maybe he's got issues.

Oh, yeah. "We're just gonna lie Mr Nudge on this tiny little couch and talk about his childhood."

Tiny little couch?!

No, it's a huge great sofa, y'know.

Check out my new blusher. It's called Flesh In A Blender.

You don't need blusher. You have a natural sex flush from Gaz.

What's a sex flush? It's why women's make-up is always red.

Blusher makes you look hot and bothered. Lippy makes your mouth look like a fanny.

Oh, my God - the day I've had!

It's times like this I really need my best friends.

You just sacked me. I'm not speaking to you. What's happened?

I got the sack.

You didn't sack yourself?!

Did you catch sight of yourself and get confused?

No. I phoned the regional manager to recruit more potential sackees

and he said I was power mad.

Can you believe?! Incredible. He said he'd have to let me go.

So does this mean I've got my job back? I suppose so.

Bastard!

OK, I'm off.

Fine. So do I look nice?

Probably.

Does she look nice?

No.

D'you think it's bit tarty to be going out with a friend?

Nothing could be too tarty. You could have push-up pants and rotating nipple flaps,

you still wouldn't get an erection...eraction...reaction!

Bye, Gaz.

OK, thank you very much, Mr Bradshaw. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye!

Jonny, guess what!

I'm going to be a supervisor! Isn't it ace?! Janet, guess what!

I'm gonna be a tramp! Isn't it ace?

What? I've been chucked out of me dad's.

I've come to ask Norma if I can sleep in the pool room. Oh, Jonny, this is stupid. Just come to ours.

Does no-one understand?

I have my pride!

I stole it off a clown.

So new job, you say? Yep.

A proper pay rise, so I'll get loads of money, free cakes and pies and biscuits.

I'm the most eligible spinster in Runcorn. What will you do with your wealth?

Well, I was thinking of buying myself a boyfriend.

Oh, yeah? Well, they don't come cheap, those things.

The one I saw wasn't that expensive. Surely you'll be wanting a top-of-the-range model?

Nah, more of a comfortable model. Nothing too powerful, nothing too flash.

Just one that gets me from A to B, from ooh to ah-h!

You need one that can handle curves. That's true.

One that needs servicing regularly. Of course. One that doesn't damage the environment with poisonous gases.

I'm not bothered about that. I love his poisonous gases.

So where are you gonna shop for this boyfriend, then? It's very nearby.

No, no. Wait! No, Janet, this is wrong.

I have my pride.

It's all I've got - pride and... a very long hanky.

Oh, but...! No, it hurts too much, Janet. I'll never come back.

TUMMY RUMBLES Even my tummy says so.

God, you're hungry! Why didn't you say? I've got loads of pasties back at ours. Come and have some food.

Well, maybe.

I've not eaten for 48 hours. I'm like a modern-day St David...

Blaine!

Come on. I've got Daddy's Sauce.

Ugh! That sounded very wrong.

Yeah, I've said OK. Just don't expect any snuggles.

What about cuggles? I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.

I have my pride.

OK, Jonny.

Um, yeah, hello. ..Um, I'd like to make an emergency appointment.

Yeah, um...

I just, er... Well, I think, er...

..I think I'm impotent!

You do understand, don't you?

I'm not a man who's easily manipulated.

I'm no-one's Playdoh. Of course.

I won't be squeezed out of someone's scalp in the Mop Top Barbershop like a bunch of blackheads. Of course.

And there's me pride. Yeah, I know.

You can't expect me to drop one girl after being dropped by another in case I get dropped by the next.

Too many droppings.

Like an incontinent chicken.

OK, Jonny. But, you know, we can talk.

And one day, after you've begged and begged and have absolutely no self-respect left,

then maybe, just maybe, you can surf the Jonny riptide to Sex Beach again.

So...

what're we having for tea?

Smells like we're having cheese and onion pasties. Yes, we are.

Now you know I could never resist you in shortcrust!

I got the idea from Halle Berry in James Bond.

Well, I think you're much tastier.

Er, what happened to your pride?

Oh, he'll be making an appearance during dinner!

Ooh, wait! What now? Quick! My cheese is seeping.

Give us a bite of your arse. Argh! Get off!

'Donna, hi. Er...I just wanted to say thanks for last night.

'I really enjoyed it.'

It was good last night, weren't it? Familiar sex is always good.

You never have to wash beforehand.

I'm not having some old perve after you impressing you with brunch!

And you won't catch me wearing one, college boy!

No-o-o!