Original subtitles

I need to find Johnny. He'll be at the pub.

What was your name again? Kate.

I've made a terrible mistake.

This programme contains adult humour

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger now

What you doing? Jonny would only eat things

in pie form, so I'm being healthy.

Hence my delicious guava. What does it taste like? Expensive.

I've named them. That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell

and that's Jonny.

Help me with this. I need to write a paragraph about myself for my class. I need to sound interesting.

What you got so far? The date.

Janet, can't you come to college with me? It'd stop you being lonely. I am not lonely.

I'm happy at home with my delicious guava. Alan Rickman.

You might meet the man of your dreams. No man could compete with this.

Used properly, it gives the undercarriage a salady aftertaste.

You haven't!

I'm disgusting.

Don, you don't know where I can buy any toys, do you? Toys?

You know, adult, do-it-yourself toys, with batteries and different heads and prongs.

Maybe not prongs.

Not that desperate, are you? No. No, of course not. Right.

So, are you going to help me? How do I get this to vibrate?

Munch, what you doing? I'm having my tea.

I took it off a greyhound.

Jonny, what's wrong with you? You've been running to the toilet like George Michael on a promise.

Five times in eleven minutes.

So? You'll end up in the Guinness Book of Records for bladder weakness - Norris McSquirter!

It's Kate.

Every time she looks at me, my bladder wants to burst.

That'll be your hormones. They give you first-date nerves. You'll have to wear an HRT patch like this.

Where did you get that? I found it on my mum's arse.

I'm perfectly calm.

And, look, breasts.

Go and play somewhere else. My bone!

Still on for tomorrow night? The start of my brilliant career.

Yes. It's just tonight I'm worried about. How am I going to get through this date, Gaz?

Every time I look at her, I want to wee. Calm down, mate.

Don't show any weakness with women. Wee-wee's a no-no.

Oh, I speak French! You need to take control.

You're right. Is that what you do with Donna? The woman doesn't breathe unless I say so.

So she's not doing this course?

Over my dead body, mate.

She starts tonight.

Aren't you worried she'll meet new and exciting men? That she gets bored and slaps you off?

She's never bored when she slaps me off.

Um...

What are you doing? Must stay calm.

Calm like a...

shrub. Um...

No weakness.

Seven o'clock at the castle. I can't wait.

I wonder if I could make my fanny sneeze?

DOOR BANGS

Hi. Hello, Louise. Welcome to my new life as a single woman.

You really are up there, Janet. Thanks, Louise.

Yep, right up on that top shelf gathering dust.

Eh? Yeah, now you're single, you'll have to get used to people looking at you like this -

"Aww-ww!"

What am I gonna do?

Don't worry, I'll save you.

How? I'm moving in.

Hold on a sec. This is MY house. I say who I live with.

But you have to let me stay. My parents chucked me out. Why?

They've never liked me.

Oh, Janet, I'll die if I have nowhere to hang my DKNY P-A-N-T-s.

Well...I suppose. I mean...

It might be like Brownies, all girls together singing, nice cosy fires,

trying to stop Brown Owl watching you in the showers. Yes.

I knew you wouldn't mind. You brought a toilet bag? A bit cheeky!

No, actually. I brought five suitcases, a trunk and my hatbox.

You can bring them in now, please.

This smells a bit odd.

Yeah...it's organic. Mm!

Scrummy!

Oh, yeah.

Donna, what shall I wear for my big night tomorrow? I don't know.

I have to finish my personal introduction. I want to give you a personal introduction.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no!

Listen to this. "Since applying for this course, I've often thought..."

Thought what? No, that's it. Come on, help me!

It's obvious what you should write about. Me!

Well, then, tell me something exciting. I can't just put you're a boring, crappy mechanic. Oi!

I work hard, lady. I've got an important job. Gaz, fixing cars is hardly poetry.

OK, Miss Smarty-arse, when's the last time you saw someone drive to work in a poem?

Anyway, let's just forget the whole thing and let Mr Squirty-pen write his name in your love tunnel.

Go on!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Kate.

No, I've just got here.

I'm by the castle.

Yeah.

All right. Bye. Bye.

Shit!

Hi, gorgeous.

What are you doing? The washing-up.

These plates have got to go. They're disgusting. Are these Jonny's leftovers?

I could die from Jonny-coli. Have you seen my ciggies?

Yes, I threw them out. I couldn't stand the reek. God knows how Jonny put up with you.

And I've also thrown out some of your clothes. Only the offensive ones.

Sadly, there wasn't much left. Right, Louise, you have to go. Pack your things now and leave.

Go? Where to? I've already told my dad I've found a fabulous place to live with a great friend.

He'll laugh at me if he finds out it was you. Not my problem. Just go.

Oh, Janet! There's a huge spider on the hatbox. Louise, it's not going to work.

Janet, it's as big as a potato.

Louise, you'll just have to speak to your parents... Oh, my God!

Janet, fetch! No, shut up, Louise!

It's probably poisonous and in search of human flesh.

And I'm a lot tastier than you are. Get it out!

Let's be calm about this. I can deal with this.

I'm a grown-up, independent... Oh, I'll phone Jonny.

I'm really sorry about your shoes. No, worries, they're almost dry.

Actually, it smells quite nice.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh!

Hello? Janet?

How big?

Where is it now?

I can't.

Because nothing should have that many limbs. Anything over four legs, I faint.

Anyway, I've got to go. I'm on a date.

Is there a problem, Jonny? No. My ex, Janet, she's got a spider in the house.

I'm afraid of spiders. It's a girl thing. I bet a little spider wouldn't bother a man like you.

Of course not. Grab it by the scruff of the neck and kick its furry ass.

Let's go to Janet's. You can catch it and I can meet the woman who was silly enough to let you go. Now?

Why not? I love men who're able to handle animals.

Uh. Since Janet kicked me out, there's nothing I can't handle.

I've even got used to sleeping on rough terrain with the wind and rain on my face. You're sleeping rough?

How brave! No, I'm staying at my dad's. He needs a new roof.

But I would sleep outside if I could.

Just me and nature in the raw.

I could build a shack with my bare hands,

grow a manly beard, hunt a few animals...

Agh!

Jonny!

Ee-ee-ee-eeh!

Boom!

Pfft, it's gonna cost you, mate.

Hiya! Gaz, it was brilliant. Did I ask?

Everyone was friendly, and one girl said I had really nice hair.

Lesbian.

No, she was just nice. We got our reading list. We're starting with Sir Gawain And The Green Knight.

You can start by reading my new tattoos.

Have you ever thought of using all your brain cells at once instead of lining them up in single file?

Don't get smart with me. I read. What was the last thing you read?

"Now wash your hands".

No, I mean the last novel.

Wuthering Heights. I couldn't put it down. Really?

I'm sorry. That's great, Gaz. What was it like?

It was...

"Out on a wild and windy moor...

"..we danced and had some brie...

"..You had a temper

"like my jealousy..."

Too hot. Too...cheesy.

Oh, for God's sake! So? If I don't want to read stupid stories, that's up to me.

You don't like doing the things I like. It's physically impossible for me to urinate up a wall.

Not with my patented strap-on funnel, it isn't.

Nobody wants your inventions, Gaz. The edible lifeboat proved that.

Let's just think about tomorrow night. You have to get there early to protect me from adoring fans.

Sorry, I told the people from my course I'd go to a play with them. Oh, I see

You'd rather be out with your arty-farty mates. Where does that leave me? Farty.

You could come as well.

A play?!

Oh, no, I think...

I'd rather drink a gallon of old man's spit

in a shit-covered glass...

..with pubes on the rim.

Pub's still not fixed the dishwasher, then?

A little kiss will make it better. Oh!

Where did you learn to do such neat bandages?

Girl Guides.

Have you still got the uniform? I have. But it might be a bit tight.

Oh, great!

I've always wanted to wear one. I could be Brown Owl and you could be... I'll be anything you want.

Squirrel Nutkin. I could stay here singing camp songs, and you could go foraging for nuts...

and lager. Ooh! Does it hurt very badly?

No. Good. We can still go to Janet's and zap that spider.

Yeah. Oh!

Do you want me to give you a piggy-back? No, Kate, that would be very undignified and silly.

Well, bend over, then, so I can get on.

On to Janet's house. Here I come, you hairy-legged freak!

Doesn't Janet wax?

Woo-hoo!

Yee-hah!

Where is it?

It's under the table.

Oh, it's looking at me. No, it isn't.

This is your fault. I was perfectly happy living on my own till you turned up with your spider.

I didn't bring it. Yes, you did, in your hatbox. Me and Jonny never had a spider problem. Know why?

Cos Jonny didn't have a hatbox and bears!

Don't you throw John Merrick at me!

You've been so tetchy since you got dumped. I did NOT get dumped!

I just can't believe he's on a date already. Probably in our park, where he took me on our first date.

He pushed me on the swings and he kissed me on the teapot lid. Oh, Janet.

Jonny? Oh, thank God! What's happened to your foot?

Janet...

this is Kate.

Janet!

Thank you so much for letting this man come into my life.

So, where's little Incy Wincy, then?

You'll need a glass and paper, Jonny.

Jonny?

Oh, paper, yes. I was just...

just thinking about building my manly shack.

Roar!

Oh, I hope you're not too upset about losing Jonny. I'd be gutted.

I hope we can be friends.

Or even sisters!

Yes. Yes, we're all adults. No need to be childish about the situation.

Would you...like some cucumber?

Ladies, watch a master hunter at work!

What do I do? Put the glass on top and the paper underneath.

I've got it! I've tamed the beast!

Yeah! Isn't he wonderful?

And he's all mine.

And look how big it is!

Jonny?

Kate is amazing.

She has medical knowledge, she knows football...

She can even spell Ugo Ehiogu!

Listen, tonight...shall I go for...

sophistication?

Or full throttle?

Hey, hey, hey!

I hardly think about anything else. All I can think about is Kate.

Kate and Jonny. Jonny and Kate. I don't think about Janet.

Janet and Kate! Oh!

Tonight, are you still coming...? She wants to do anything I want to do. I want a kebab, she wants one.

If I want a pint, she wants a pint. If I want to fantasise about ponies...it's none of her business.

I've got a real problem. It's my big night and Donna won't be there.

She's going out with her new mates watching a play.

That's awful. Listen, you know you've got good mates who'll always be there for you, yeah?

Means a lot. I wouldn't miss your special night for anything.

Jonny, I have just had the filthiest idea.

Except for this.

I'm sorry, Gaz...this is just too...

We're gonna...

Wait! Oi! Oi! Oi! Hold on!

No! You can't join in!

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

What's all this?

Surprise! We're having a slumber party.

But why? That's what single girls do.

Who needs men? Sit down and tell me about your day.

And I'll ignore you.

Uh...where's my delicious guava?

Oh!

He left you. Now, let's talk about how nice I am for doing all this.

No. I want to talk about Jonny.

OK.

Um...doesn't Jonny look happy with his new girlfriend?

No!

He was happy with me one time.

Chocolate?

Jonny used to coat my armpits in chocolate spread.

And put marshmallows between my toes and nibble them like a horny rabbit.

Ugh! But if I ever did food sex again, it wouldn't be on the No 36 from Chester.

I wanted to talk about girlie stuff.

Jonny loved girlie stuff.

All lace and gingham. He looked so pretty. And this one time...

Stop it, Janet. ..we stayed in bed for a whole week existing on Cuppa Soup. We got terrible bed sores.

I kept one of Jonny's. Do you want to see it? Ugh!

I'll come back for the hatbox. Louise, wait! I haven't told you the dirtiest thing that Jonny loved.

It was me.

Check me out, I'm a student!

You don't look any different.

In the inside, I'm completely different.

I had curry for breakfast and cornflakes for tea, thus turning the world on its head.

I'm glad you've come round, Don. I really miss Jonny.

Come here.

I've got something that'll cheer you up.

Sir Gawain And The Green Knight! It's all written in old English.

Someone wrote a book in cider? No! Old-ee World-ee English-ee.

Listen to this. "He Hade the smelle of the smech and smolles theder sone.

"Falles on the foule flesch and fyller his wombe." Have you been on the drink?

"And sone yederle for yete yisterday steven.

"How the cheve tayne he charged that thekyst yemed."

You sound like a twat.

Yes. Thank God you said it. I don't understand a word of it.

I'm never gonna pass this course. I'm a failure.

Munch. Yeah?

Do you know, although your polluted gene pool is a worry, you are still me half-brother.

Half-brother-half-sister!

Whatever.

Can I talk to you? What's wrong?

It's just Donna, man.

She's gone all funny on me, all highbrow.

What, poor Donna's just an eyebrow?

No. No, no, she's just started reading books and... There's nothing wrong with being a late reader.

I'm still on Key Stage 1. "Floppy The Dog", "Flip, Chip and Kipper", "The Sunday Sport".

It's Friday, my big night, and Donna and Jonny have dumped me. Friday is my favourite day.

I always get a McDonald's on Friday.

Tonight, I'll have a Chicken McFlurry.

Will you come and support me? You can sit in Jonny's seat,

as long as you wipe it afterwards. Sorry, Gaz, I'm busy with my breasts tonight.

I'm trying nipple tassels.

This is what it's supposed to be like. Yes. Single girl getting drunk with her mate.

And sod Sir Gawain. When they said it was Middle English,

I thought it'd be in a Brummie accent.

Maybe it is. Anyway, it'll all be fine. I've got my mate,

I've got my mug of wine and I have my choice of a thousand bears!

I said to Gaz I'd try, and I did. He might tease me, but I know he'll still be proud, deep down.

I'm really pleased you came round, Don. This is what I needed.

I've even stopped thinking about Jonny and his bone-mending tart. I saw them. She seems nice.

Did ya?

They weren't...doing it, were they?

No, they were shopping. Oh. She's little Dr Domesticated, is she?

That'll teach him.

They were buying chocolate spread and marshmallows. Oh, my God!

I'll get emergency Lambrini.

Oh, my God! Oh, wait!

I have man troubles.

I've never had man troubles. I'm so Sex In The City.

Right! Gaz. It's my big night, and everyone's deserted me.

So, Janet, will you please come and support me? Sorry, Gaz, I forgot.

Why don't you ask Donna? She's off to a play.

She thinks she's so cool cos she reads books. I read books. Always got my nose in an AutoTrader.

She'll fail this course, you know. Gaz...

She went to the same school as me and Nicola from Girls Aloud, which makes her thick.

How could SHE pass a course?

How stupid and how self-important?! And she's in the kitchen, isn't she? Yes.

For that schewe the schalee thou schyre howses as the beryl bornyst,

so boge ye offe, thou dickest of heades!

Janet, I've got a play to see.

She wants to lay off this. It's bloody lethal.

I'd like to thank everyone for coming.

And...this one's for Donna.

INTRO TO "Delilah"

that I passed by her window

of love on her blind

and went out of my mind

I miss Jonny. I really miss him.

Why are you walking like that?

I tried to replicate him with a Curly Wurly, but it's gone wrong.

Why don't you just phone Jonny and get him back? Cos he's with her.

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?!

Why are you dressed up like the biggest slut in the universe?

I have a date with a man.