Original subtitles

What do you want out the wedding? Chocolate gateau! To marry Janet!

What's going on? Donna slept with my boyfriend!

Last year! I didn't steal him!

Want to go loof?

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Why d'you keep going to the toilet? Been a habit since birth, Jonny.

Today? Eaten something weird?

What - like a fist?

I mean, have you got the squits?

I'm not talking about my toilet habits. Get that at work!

The bathroom echoes. It's haunting like whale song.

Why aren't you at work? Half day. Why aren't you?

We've talked this through - I'm a lazy gobshite.

Anyway, I've just got to go for a lash.

Is there porn in that toilet?

Exactly! Every time I wank, I speak to you in the middle!

Does Jonny have secretive patches?

I suppose. He buried his faeces in the yard for a while.

Why? What's up? Gaz being all closed-off?

It's like there's something wrong, but, if I ask, he's snippy.

Snippy? Who are you - Ernest Hemingway? Who's Ernest Hemingway?

Dunno. I just wanted to offend you.

What would you do? Would you get it out of him with femi-talk torture?

What's that? "Why don't we talk? Can't we relate any more? Should we try for a baby?"

No, probably not.

But, then again, I've fallen out of love with Jonny recently.

Mmm!

You said you had a present for me.

It wasn't the cereal, was it? That was stupid!

No. It's something to make you grow mentally, not wheatily.

Mentally?

Is it electric-shock therapy? I can't go through that again!

No, it's gentle. When did you have electric shock therapy?

I put my tongue on a battery.

Oh, God! The memories!

You've opened the barrier! Do you want your present or what?

Yes, please! I'll close my eyes.

You don't have to. No, I like closing my eyes. I have exceptional eyelids. I like showing them off.

Fine.

Here we are.

Oh!

Well...that's not very good, is it?

Listen to me, you have to look after this plant.

If you can keep it alive and looking perfect, you can do anything. Anyone can water a plant!

If they die, you get more - like dogs.

Louise, this will be good for you.

You'll learn responsibility, feel a sense of love for nature. It'll be great. Give me the Green Thing.

Aren't you going to name it? Oh...

I did - the Green Thing. It suits it.

Gaz... Hang on. Just going to the toilet.

You don't just fall out of love like falling out of Belgium!

Donna, I already did. When did it happen?

I dunno. You know when you watch them and they don't know? Yeah. Gaz is usually peeling himself.

When you do that and you feel warm... No, what's the word?

I know, schluballybub in your stomach. Yes, the great sanctity of schluballybub!

It left. What's there now when you look at Jonny?

I feel cold and frightened. It's like he's this whole other person - he isn't me.

I could have told you that years ago! Jonny isn't you...

Bobby Ball isn't Shania Twain. Isn't humanity fascinating?

I've agreed to marry this person and die with this person! A suicide pact?

When did you agree to that?

I thought promising Gaz I'd always be moist on a Wednesday was a big 'un! I don't love him, Donna.

You hate him? Resent him? No! He hasn't done anything wrong.

Try looking deep in his eye - I bet it'll come back.

I'm scared. You're just nervous cos you're engaged. I don't get nervous. I get angry and punchy.

I'm not even angry, just...empty.

Can he do puppetry? No. Why?

It's a shame. I'd fall in love with anyone that can make a sock talk.

Are you going to tell me what's going on in that toilet?

Jonny, I have to tell someone.

Go on, then! Jesus!

I'm composing meself! I was getting bored!

The other day...

the other day I was...I was just...

I found a lump.

What? No way!

Been going to the toilet to see if it had shrunk.

Gaz, they've got medicine for this sort of thing.

What'll I do? Go to the doctor.

It's dead common! I bet it's a cyst. Yeah?

Men get it all the time. Massive survival rate. I know. See your GP. Rule out testicular cancer!

I will... I'll drag you there myself if I have to.

I'll go! It's just not on me testicle! It's hanging out me arse!

KNOCKING

Hi. Louise, what's that?

The Green Thing. Green Thing?

Yeah, that's its name. It's dying. Is there a reason I have to care about this? It's a test.

David says if I don't keep it alive I'm not responsible or natural.

D'you love him? Jesus! Heavy! It's important.

Love's not important. It's a nice sideline in the pursuit of wifeism.

What? You and Jonny. If you ignored love, you could be with loads of ugly rich men - and sort your hair.

Oh, God! The Green Thing! Dying by the second!

You really care what David thinks?

Of course. He's worth hanging on to. Like what you think about Jonny.

Don't tell anyone, but I've come down with a rather nasty case of schluballybub.

We go in, get a medical dictionary and look at a picture of it. I don't know what it looks like.

How can you not? I'd have been squatting over a mirror!

Like the reflection of an elephant drinking water! I didn't want to look! What if it had a face?

We're here now. You'll have to look at it, so we can diagnose you. Won't you have a look?

Stand behind you with your arse cheeks parted?!

You'd really like that! Don't try anything funny - like farting...

or backing up!

DOOR CLOSES

Can't talk.

Must see anus. Jonny, hold on... What?

Let me look at you. What?

The starey thing! You and cattle! Can't take your eyes off me!

Look into my eyes. What's up? You've got shiny eye.

Come on!

When I look at you this close... Yeah?

You turn into a Cyclops!

Look! Give me a hug and kiss my forehead!

Have you got some tasty butter on it? No, I used to like... I like it when you do that.

Are you feeling all insecure?

Do you think I don't love you any more?

Are you all periody-weird-weirdy?

No, it's not that. Look... Jonny, we need to have a chat.

Jonny, I can't see anything.

What? Every time I turn around to look, me backside follow me! I'll get the medical dictionary.

..You get the kaleidoscope!

How's the Green Thing?

Actually, David, I think it would be a really deep and beautiful thing if we - me and the Green Thing -

went deep into the woods and I planted it,

somewhere really, really far away. You can't do that.

Oh, I can. If you love something, set it free, right?

Then it comes back if it truly, truly belongs to you,

knocking on my door, fronds wagging, before we knew it!

You can't just leave it alone in the woods.

It'd die. Yeah...

But we can't control nature. Maybe it wants to go.

In fact, I think I can hear it when I polish its leaves...

"Louise! Free me!

"My pot makes my trunk look fat!"

You're adorable, giving it a voice.

Come here.

If you really want to get rid of it, I guess that's OK. Thank God!

Bring it to me tomorrow so we can perform the sacred ritual of stamen and the budular mantra.

Marijuana's rife in Australia!

Thanks for the lift, Mum.

Pleasure, love. Is he home? Dunno. Hope not, the way he's been acting. How has he been acting? Animal,

vegetable or genital? None of the above.

Like he's in a world of his own. You know what that is?

Midlife crisis. He's 24.

Feed him lots of lard, take out a pension and you could be rich!

He's not going to die in his 40s. Maybe he's lost his job.

He still goes to work. Maybe he's just pretending.

Your dad did that with the Post Office. Set off and posted whatever he could find.

Oh? It was only when we found him posting bits of dead badger that we figured it out.

Keep your eye on him! Bye, Mum.

Excuse me for finding looking at your crack difficult! It's just a peek. I'll pay you.

What would that make me? What's going on? Jonny won't examine me cancerous crevice! I'd do his!

You look at mine and I'll do yours!

Don't be so gay! There! See?

Janet...you wanted to be a nurse, didn't you?

I can't even look at your arse and I'm supposed to love you!

That's understandable! Mine's warped. I'm sure his is pretty. No way! Some girls like that!

Do they? Why can't Donna look at it? I've got bigger things to think about. Bigger than his arse?

Please! It's life and death! If me mate's girlfriend won't look at it, a doctor won't! All right!

But I'm not touching it, sniffing it or naming it!

Can you see anything good?

I can honestly say no!

Is there a lump? Yeah. Oh, God! I'm going to die! Hold on! It could be nothing. What's it look like?

Er...

kinda looks like Celine Dion. What is it?

Hang on... I'm looking. Here we are. Yeah...

Genital warts.

What? How?! I don't know. Picked them up somewhere.

It's on me arse! It's only me that's touched it!

It can appear there first. Go, Gaz. I need to talk to Jonny.

It's Donna! What? You caught them off Donna.

Has she been cheating on me? No! Gaz, go! Jonny, please!

There's no other explanation! I never had them before.

She must've picked them up off some warthog!

I better get back!

I should bleach things and scrub you till you bleed.

I want to talk to you. Sounds serious. It is.

Oh? Serious as in graveyard way or serious as in silly-little-woman way?

Both. Can we talk later? Seeing all those medical dictionary diseases made me horny!

You up for a bit?

Go on, then. That might work.

Are you all right?

You big dirty slag!

Is this about that yellow thing I coughed up yesterday?

I didn't know it'd float...

No...

I've got warts, Donna.

Genital warts! I found one.

Eugh! Well, can you go and stay with Jonny?

You gave them to me, Donna. You've got them! I bloody haven't! Does my fanny look like a cauliflower?

A bit.

You better be joking!

No, I'm not. So who was he, Donna?

Who...?

Oh, the genital wart fairy? I think his name's Alan.

Who did you sleep with? What are you talking about? I've not cheated on you once! You're so sweet!

You've obviously got a bit on the side! Have I? Did the doctor check?

In a way, yeah!

Janet had a bit of gander.

Right.. Janet diagnosed you, so you think I've been shagging around?

Well, you have, haven't you?

Sod off, Gaz! You're not denying it! You're just smoking and looking angry! Tell me yes or no!

I can't deny it. It's all true.

So far in my rounds of Runcorn,

I've got syphilis, gonorrhoea, crabs and...yeah...

something phlegmy's just come loose in me gusset!

Are you saying it's true? It's not like you need any extra loving!

You know I said I worked at the bucket factory? Yeah.

Round here, Gaz, the bucket factory's actually my nickname!

Did you sleep with someone else? Yes or no? This isn't right.

What isn't? Are you apologising for cheating? Did you cheat?

I'll let you come back - just admit it. Tell me!

I need to know. I really need to know.

Gaz! Yes, Donna?

You shouldn't.

I don't think you understood the question! Yes or no?!

Should I phone Gaz? God, no! Let him find you.

Everything OK with Jonny? I could hear the bed squeaking!

That wasn't the bed. Jonny was dreaming about seals and honking.

Maybe you should have sex, see if the spark's still there.

We did do it yesterday, but it was just sex. It felt different. No laughter. You laugh during sex?

Have you seen Jonny naked?

You still don't love him? Don't think so. I've got a plan now.

I know what I'm going to do. DOOR CLOSES

Ciao! Look at me!

I need a witness to this.

Die, evil plant! Evil greedy monster!

What will you tell David?

The truth - that all things considered, at the end of the day,

hand on my heart, conscience clean, and in the grand scheme of things...

it's a fucking plant!

Ciao!

Always somebody worse off than yourself! Donna, have you cheated on Gaz?

Did you cheat to see if you really loved him? What?

I didn't say anything... Sorry.

I was just making sure. You used the designated toilet roll?

I don't have warts!

Jesus! Do I have slag painted on my forehead?

Not since the mid-'90s! Nobody trusts me - my best friend, my boyfriend... What have I done?

Nothing, other than giving him warts.

I don't have warts! All right! Stay and have a brew.

Then we can take you to the doctor and get you checked.

I've been thinking of developing a catch phrase. I thought long and hard about it, so here goes...

I don't have warts!

So? So what, David? So where's the Green Thing?

I killed it!

Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

I'm a murderer!

Well done! You did it, Louise!

What? I killed your plant.

No, I killed it. I cut its roots off. It was a trust exercise.

What? All the other girls bought a new plant or painted its leaves green.

One said it went to another dimension. You told the truth. Congratulations - you passed.

You pretentious drongo!

You're missing the point, Louise!

The point is I couldn't care less about the plant! I wanted shoes!

That's why I told you the truth! Not cos I learnt anything!

I'm immature and I like it and men like it too!

Know what else? I wish I'd burnt it! I like burning things!

A completely edible Janet!

I've got piles!

Well done, mate!

Doctor, she took one look... She? Yeah! Once Janet saw my ring, I thought I'd build a fantasy.

What do you do about them? Tie a string round them. No, you just bend over and she went...pop!

Pushed them back up! You need to get some of these!

Find Donna! I know where she'll be. Pint first. Let me! A happy, happy day!

My best mate's got grapes in his arse!

Donna? David, you're the last person that I need to see right now.

I don't need to be reminded of any age-old one-night stands.

Have you had warts? No.

One on my hand once, but I bit it out.

What are you doing here? Argument with boyfriend. Argument with girlfriend.

What was yours about? He thinks I'm being unfaithful. You are a bit of goer. Jumped into bed with me.

That makes you a goer too.

But that's a good thing. You know what we call men like you here? No.

Neither do we... Still haven't thought of anything.

Louise killed my plant. That's why I'm here.

Oh, well, gosh, David...

if Louise had killed my plant, I'd surely have to call the Feds!

She doesn't respect me. She just kind of... Is it getting cold?

Are you referring to my erect nipples? Maybe you need a drink.

What?

I don't mean it like that.

I've got a bottle of red at mine. Thought you'd like the company.

Not if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I like the way you say uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. Uncomfortable.

Why does everyone here do that?

G'day, mate! Want to get some tinnies down at the uni? Carry on like that and I won't take you!

Is it true there's more sheep than people?

That's New Zealand. What's going on in Neighbours? You're ahead of us.

I have no idea. Have you met Steve Irwin?

Stop that!

Where I don't wanna go

We need to have a chat.

we ever wanted

I feel your lips

I hold your hand in mine

My heart could ever find

I feel your lips

I feel your lips

I hold your hand in mine

My heart could ever find