Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

I can't believe you came back from Australia to find me. I didn't!

I made you some egg butties and a Penguin.

Now... have you been for a wee? Yeah.

Before you can say, "Brit girls are easy," there you were!

What's the matter with you?! I'll give you a choice. Beer, nudity, moi - gr-r! - or...dresses! Mmm.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

"Songbird" by Oasis

Has anyone got any new sex tricks?

What do you want sex tricks for? You can't be bored of David already!

Oh, God, no - I've made him wait.

Tonight's the night he gets to enter the sacred passage del passion!

Is she talking about her fanny? You've been going out for over a month, though!

So? Just because YOU'VE never had the self-confidence to wait for five minutes! It's not self-confidence.

I'm just damn horny - damn, DAMN horny. Jonny calls me his Little Stringfellow.

Isn't that to do with that tampon you lost up there six years ago? Ew-w-w-w! Donna!

Hasn't David got frustrated?

He MUST have done! He tries to start fights over mechanistic versus conscious processes in humans.

At least she's not talking about her fanny. So you've had rows, then? Oh, dear.

What? Me and Jonny don't row any more - not for ages and ages. You USED to argue!

Yeah, but it seems like a waste of time now. He knows I'm going to win - I have the power of sulk.

Doesn't that mean you don't care? And you're not interested in his opinions or new ideas.

Jonny doesn't HAVE any new ideas! They're just a rehash of his old ones about moving to a volcano.

Well, when me and Gaz row, I feel like it brings us closer. And I feel mentally challenged by David,

despite him being Australian. We could argue if I wanted to, but I don't like feeling sad and angry.

But the sex after makes up for it. You can really hurt 'em - they've no idea!

Ooh - sex! You've just reminded me.

Can I borrow a Biro? Why?

Well, I went too far with the waxing strips, and I need to paint a few hairs back on again.

Sorry, Louise, we've only got blue pens. He'll think they're veins.

You should start an argument with Jonny. You're marrying him - you should practise undermining him.

You know...

You know if you shaved a dog... Yeah?

Would it be blue?

It's just, I see these lads, who've just got skinheads in the summer,

and they've all got blue heads.

I've seen a rabbit shaved... in a film. A bald rabbit?!

Yeah. What film?

Oh, no, hold on...

No, it was a dream. The rabbit was pink, not blue. Just cos you have a dream, it don't make it true.

That's Martin Luther King screwed, thenWho?

He was a black guy who got shot and made a speech. Wanted all the black kids and white kids to hold hands.

Sounds like my teacher in infants'. None of the kids would hold hands with me.

I had ringworm for a very long time.

He wasn't like your teacher - he was a revolutionary! A poet! Perhaps the most incredible prophet of our time.

Do you watch the History Channel? How else would I know?! I was off me head on thinning fluid at school!

Why would YOU watch the History Channel? If I tell you, don't tell anyone. All right, I'll keep quiet.

What is it? Donna watches it. Big wooWhat's so bad about Donna watching the History Channel?

She's getting dull! Spends every night in front of the telly! Like me? And she does them word puzzles.

Yeah, like me. I often try and spell "banana".

B-A-N...

A-N-A...

N...

..A...

Jesus - Bananarama ruined my life!

I'm going to have to do something about her boring-inity. Remember how lovely and violent she used to be?

VIBRANT. No, definitely violent. The things she could do with a fish slice...

Well, I'd better get back before her bedtime!

But it's not nine yet.

I know, but she'll have covered herself in lavender and gone into a herbal coma if I'm not quick.

"GROUND FORCE" THEME TUNE ON TV

Um-m-m-m-m...

Um-m-m-m-m...

Donna...we really need to talk.

Can't it wait? I'm trying to relax. I just want a quiet night in. Um-m-m...

That's all you EVER want! No, sometimes I want a LOUD night in.

Remember our "films with 'Bang' in the title" night? That was loud and banging, but it was IN!

Inside? Exactly! I'm worried you don't go out any more!

I do! I go to work, and to Janet's, and me mum's! Whoa, missy! You're a social whirlwind

I haven't been to a club for a bit. So? I quite like being with YOU!

I quite like you being with me, but not all the time! I'm not that nice!

You've got to go places without me! Why? Because we wouldn't be able to talk about our nights out any more.

I'd say, "What'd you do last night?" You'd say, "Well, I was stood next to you." That's no fun!

What would YOU do if I went out? Wouldn't you be lonely? No, I'd watch the Premiership, get a curry,

and have that wank I've needed ever since you've moved in! You've not had a wank since I moved in?!

Only at work.

Oh, you're a real gentleman

No, I'm not - I just don't want you walking in on me. The self-inflicted orgasm face ain't a pretty one.

Isn't the same as your sex-orgasm face? No, I put that on for show!

This is me self-inflicted one.

That's disturbing.

You want me to go out my own? Not on your own! With your workmates!

Have a good time with your mates, wear skirts, touch 'em, tell me about it. Why are you that bothered?

Because...some guys take a beautiful girl, and hide 'em away from the rest of the world. And Daddy, dear,

you know you're still number one. Anyway, girls just...wanna have fun.

That's why, Donna. You're so cute sometimes! All right, I'll go out this week.

If I have to watch you pumicing yourself again... I said OK. Or hear you sing! I'm a great singer.

HIGH- Is e-e-easy cos you're beautiful!

Look, twatty balls, I'll go out, so say I have the voice of an angel.

You have the voice of an angel. ..Oh!

..with a chest infection. ..Agh! Get off!

CARTOON ON TV

TV GOES OFF

Agh! Oh...!

I can never get to 20 without eating them all.

Jammy Dodgers rule. Mmm. It's different with Rich Tea - they're evil.

If God rained Rich Teas instead of frogs, them in the Bible would have been pissed off. I like Rich Tea!

Then I don't wanna marry you. I bet you like Bourbon Creams. Yeah! Why? They're sneaky, underhand biscuits.

They pretend to be proper chocolate, then bang! They hit you with Bourneville badness.

Jonny... Yup? Why don't we argue? Cos we don't love and respect each other, we don't care what we think,

so we should split up while we can still look at each other? Jesus! I expected something biscuit-related!

We never disagree! We never argue! I beg to differ!

The Rich Tea debate we just had was informative. Shut up about biscuits! Now we're nearly rowing!

But we don't have proper, stand-up, screamy, kick-me-up-the-arse arguments. So what? That's good!

It's not! It means we don't listen, or care what the other one thinks. I'm always listening to you!

What did I say when I came in from work? You said...

"Hiya, love." And then what? And then you asked me a question about Alfred the Great.

That wasn't me - that was on Fifteen To One!

OK, what do you wanna argue about? I don't know. Passionate things!

Well, we can have a screamy row, if that makes you happy. Oh, thanks!

Go on, then. No, you go first. Right, OK, um...

You...uh...

You've always hated my mother! I love your mum - she's great! She makes a lovely plum duff.

Jesus, Janet - get with it! Oh, sorry. I'LL have a go. Go on, then.

You...

..man! Fantastic, Janet - you've really got a way with words

This isn't working. We need a proper thing to argue about. I know! Hold on a sec. OK.

What? I learnt this on the streets.

What, Canal Street Why have you brought a cup? Smash it against the wall.

This is your Jelly Babies mug - it's your favourite. Yeah.

Smash it, I'll hate you, we'll argue, you'll cry, I'll storm out - fabulous! OK! Go on.

Well?

I feel...really sad.

That was my...my favourite.

Tea tasted better somehow!

Aren't you angry?

I just feel a terrible sense of loss and regret.

It's awful, Janet! Oh, baba, come here!

Oh, we'll get you a new one tomorrow, and a packet of Jelly Babies as well!

Oh, bollocks! We really CAN'T argue! My mug!

RADIO IS ON

Janet? It's me!

I've been kidnapped!

No, by David!

No, I'm here of my own free will - it's not THAT kind of kidnapping!

We've done it eight times so far.

He's scaring me!

And he's in the shower, but that's only because his pubes were getting matted!

It's not funny!

I'm tired and hungry, and if I ever have another orgasm again, it'll be too soon!

DOOR OPENS > Oh, God! He's coming back!

Louise, I've found a loofah.

Wanna go loof?

Mum, you know when you and Dad first got together? Do you mind not mentioning your father?!

There's men on half these sun beds! Perfect examples of manhood. Necks twice as thick as their heads.

Did you stay in much? I stayed in more, once YOU started to show,

but nobody was paying me to dance on their face by then, so I was a bit skint. Gaz is worried about me.

He says I stay in too much. Do you? Yeah, cos I'm tired after I get home from work.

Cocaine. That's what you need. I know a dentist who can nick us some. Mum, that's dangerous AND illegal.

Dangerous? Is it?

I bet that's why I can feel my heart pumping through my eyeballs. Right.

Do you think Gaz is right? ..How often do YOU go out?

I've a regular slot with a bouncer. He has an infection, so the younger girls don't like to touch him.

No...how often do you have a night out? Twice, three times a week.

My mother has a better social life than me! There's a booth free.

Do YOU wanna go first? I'M not doing sun beds. I'm olivey. I don't wanna be walnutty. You're out of fashion!

Look around! Orange is the future!

Why are you doing that? Are you obsessive-compulsive? I'm trying to irritate Jonny, so we have a row.

No-one likes teabags in the sink - except for those PG Tips monkeys.

I don't think teabags are at the top of his list of hygiene priorities. So, tell me about last night.

Oh, God! I don't wanna think about it! He's like some sort of monster!

Is he into kinky stuff, like rubber and leopards? No, he isn't kinky.

He's more generous. How? Does he buy you dinner in the middle of it

He can't stop once he's started. And it isn't just the quantity either.

It's the quality. If Jonny was THAT good, I'd rent him out to widows! You don't understand.

Unfortunately not, so explain it.

You know when you have caviar for the first time? Mais oui.

"Yet one can never have too much caviar," as I said to Jonny over a crisp Chianti under a harvest moon.

OK, so you've not had it?

Duh! Closest we've got was when I ate that tadpole.

Well, say there's a really sunny day... Yeah?

You think it's great, you get your bikini on, go down to the beach and all that...

We sit in the back yard and wave at the albino kid across the road.

Well, imagine if every day was sunny forever. You'd get fed up! Maybe, but we're not talking about the sun.

We're talking about a bloke who can't stop shagging. I don't see the problem! He's too good in bed!

And I've got to see him again... tonight.

And you think you have to have sex cos he wants it? Kind of. Fake a headache.

He'll only give me a neck massage, and we all know what THAT leads to! Say you've got cholera.

Well, he'll only take me to the doctor, and we all know what THAT leads to! No. Sex...probably!

Last night, I was dropping off after, and a car alarm went off.

He said, "Doesn't the sound of a siren turn you on?" and started again! You could always say no.

I was too tired to. I just had to lie there having orgasms.

It's so dull! If he's so lustful NOW, his attraction will fizzle out soon. You just have to wait,

and have the best sex ever for a month or two. Maybe you're right. I could just learn off him.

You'll have fun! You'll end up tired yet happy, and with an easier passageway for future children.

< KEYS JANGLE Ooh, here's Jonny! Shall I be irritating? Just be yourself.

Hiya, Louise. I heard about your boyfriend. I did it three times in a week once. We're all animals!

Thanks

Smells nice and orangey in here. Yeah! Look at the sofa! Oh...!

Pot pourri! How exotic! Oh...! But...!

OK, wait for it. Five, four, three, two, one..

Janet? Yes!

What do you want, wanker?

You've made me Marmite butter!

You are gifted - truly, truly gifted!

For God's sake! ..Jonny? Yeah? I threw out those lucky pants of yours!

You know the ones that make Liverpool win? Oh, right. Um...annoying, isn't it?

It's all right - I now pin pictures of Houllier to my crotch instead. Jonny has issues, doesn't he?

Janet? Yeah? The sink's full of teabags! I know! ..This'll get him.

So...do you want me to peg 'em out on the line for you?

Ugh! You never heard that.

'I wonder if the free ten minutes of Playboy has started...'

Oh... Ooh...

Oh...! Oh...

'God, where is she? This is WAY past her bedtime.

'I'll just look out the door and make sure she's... Hold on a minute!

'I'm actually thinking in WORDS!

'Usually it's just pictures of women!'

DISTANT CAR ALARM

DOOR OPENS

Ah...sod it.

Ugh!

Ah, well, vomit... That's a...bonus.

OK, think drunk.

Ooh!

So, uh...about last night.

I was great, wasn't I?

Yes!

Yes, you were. Um...

David...um...I think you should know that I see this as a learning experience - the sex thing -

and I'm enthusiastic to indulge in the physical, spiritual and mental side to human copulation.

I think that we can both grow from this and become exciting, enriched, hugely erotic members of this world,

and I want to learn off you and experience everything you have to teach me! Don't YOU feel like that?

Yeah, great!

Night, then!

Oh...! Ooh! Did you have a good time?

Oh...I love you!

You're my...best mate! When you get drunk, you turn into an old man.

They said I couldn't do it, but I showed...them!

I split my atom doing it, while I...climbed that policeman! That's lovely. ..Let's get you into bed.

See? It's good to have a night out. You come home with such unusual breath. Do you wanna fight?

Did you spill my pint...? Oh! You need water and something to eat. What do you fancy?

Can I have some fruit and a glass of semi-skimmed...

Hold on...you're not drunk!

Oh, I am! I've had many, many drinks!

No-one wants milk if they're drunk! It makes sick taste like earwax!

I is a large tomato! Stop! You're lying. I'm not! Watch me walk.

Oh...! Oh!

OH!

No-one walks like that when they're drunk, unless they've got rickets!

You said you'd get drunk and lairy! You've disappointed me! Sorry. It'll never happen again.

That's what they ALL say! Next time I ask you to have a good time, you'll be at the library or jogging!

It just happened. One thing I ask you to do - get pissed and come home smelling of smoke and other women.

My mother warned me about your type! It's not how it looks. I can explain! What have you got to say?

Come on! You humiliated me. I tried to go out, but it was loud, and men were trying to get off with me.

I wanted to come home with a video and a Chinese and sit with you.

But why?! When you can go out and have it large, and bite the pickle?!

See? You've got ME ageing now! Pickles! Because I really like it.

I still see my friends, I just like being with you better than them. Even Joanne with the nice baps?

Even her.

God... Well, all right.

Do you understand? Yeah, I suppose.

But not every night. Sometimes, I'd like you not to be here when I get home, so I worry about you. What?

I like worrying about you. Makes it even better when I get to see you. Aw, bless - that's romantic!

You just want more wank time, don't you?

Yeah.

Shall I go out again now?

Yeah, go on!

SNORING

HE SNORES LOUDLY

Did you just poke me?

I was asleep! I couldn't poke you in my sleep, unless I was dreaming about a poking competition,

which I was NOT! What were you dreaming about?

Let me see... I was dreaming about a man who, one night, gave a beautiful princess

a huge box of diamonds and, the next night, gave her a bag full of spit he'd sucked out of a cow!

What do you think it means

Is this because we didn't have sex last night? Nur-r!

I thought you'd be exhausted! I WAS! But you can't perform like that the first night we sleep together,

and spend the rest of your life as a vestal virgin! I wasn't planning to! So why won't you have sex with me?

I would have, if it wasn't for the friction burns on my cock!

What do you mean?! I worked bloody hard the other night.

If you want that two nights running, you're ungrateful, and possibly have no clitoris!

I thought that's what you wanted. I thought it was an Australian thing.

I've seen Round The Twist - you're all disturbed!

No, I only did it all night to impress you!

So you don't always do that?

God, no! Three, four times a week, max! Scouts' honour!

Well, that's perfect! I have a spare four hours a week! Hours?!

I'm sorry, Louise, I just...

I just wanted you to think I was...

a...a stud.

I think you'll find, as an Australian, the word is "spunk", and you wanted me to find you a SPUNK!

No, I really don't. Rack off!

Please be quiet now.

Bloody hell, Jonny!

"Janet, you've gone to bed. Don't clean up my tower.

"I've achieved the unachievable - 23 Dodgers..."

I heard the sound of tumbling biscuits! I'm sorry, I'm really sorry... ME TOWER!

I didn't... You never appreciate my architectural prowess! It was an accident! It was sabotage!

They're just biscuits! Don't be so sad! JUST biscuits?! This was a record! Three words - get a job!

Three words - get a...haircut!

What?!

You ruined me dreams! Your dreams are stupid! They're dough!

Are we having a row? Yeah, bastard!

OK...bitch!

Thinny man! Big-titty girl!

Brown hair! Hairy head!

Let's do it on the Dodgers! You'll get jam on you! Meow! Go on, then!

We're having a list. Everything on the list is expensive! It's not!

OK, but where will people find a Hear'say album?!

If you want to meet women, go out!

Have a shower, put a shirt on, I'll show you how it's done.

This is KP. By the way, she's deaf.

Are you all deaf, with no ears?

Practise on her.

Do you wanna see me knob?