Original subtitles

Look, I'll pay for your wedding. I want to pay for everything!

Thank you, Dad!

Don't wear a white dress, though! Totally upstage me, you would!

This programme contains some strong language.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

I'll have a pint of lager, please

What you want to do today? I don't know! We could go to a country pub,

or a garden centre, unless you had plans.

Well, I was planning to scratch meself today.

OK, like every Saturday - we'll wait for the pub to open, scratching ourselves into a frenzy!

OK, why don't we go for a walk? Brilliant! Past the chemical plant,

or a stroll through Dogshit Alley?! I was just suggesting!

CLATTER Oh! Mail! Mail isn't exciting - it's just bills and junk,

apart from that time John Kettley wrote to us. Yeah! That was nice. Why did he write, again?

Cos I was sending him threatening letters. Yeah, that was sweet!

Ooh! Money! What? Me dad sent the money for the wedding dress! How much?

Not telling! You'll only find out what dress costs what and know what I'll wear on the day!

That sounds like something I'd doThat's MY Saturday sorted!

You buying me chips? No! I'll call Donna and Louise and go shopping!

And am I meant to catch up on me crochet?! If you like.

Or meet with the rambling club? Why are you a 60-year-old spinster?

I don't usually have to do me Saturdays on me own. You're here, with your nipples.

What?!

We watch Soccer Saturday, and me and your nipples play games!

My nipples weren't aware of the situation. Yes, they were!

There's the standing-to-attention game. The girls are partial to it.

"The girls"? Yes! The girls! Nutella and Praline.

That's cos they're so sweet!

No, it's cos they taste like peanuts! Mmm!

You'll just have to play with your own nipples today. Mine are all hairy, and practically inverted.

Hmm. I shall name them Rasputin and Gran.

Wake up and smell the caw-fee! Oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever there!

About me, the Sugababes and loads of coal? No, I dreamt I was asleep.

Yeah, and...? Yeah. I was asleep,

and this monkey came in and said, "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"

Oh! What you up to today? Thought I might get me hair done, go to Boots and buy some new nail polish.

You're a boring little thing, aren't you? What've you got planned, Mr Fun? An archaeological dig?

Is that the most exciting thing you can think of? Yes, it was. Hey, we can spend the day together!

That might be fun. What do you want to do? Well, we could...

go...up a hill.

Excellent, or maybe we could just kill ourselves! OK, you think of something.

Go to the pub for a ploughman's,

watch the footy scores over a few pints, get a video and a pizza! Eh?

Even footy scores sound good if there's beer. Beer-a-plenty!

What about this morning? There's not much left - it's 11.30.

Is that too early to drink beer? It IS a special occasion. What?

Well, according to my calendar I got free in Smash Hits...

..today is...

Meat Loaf's birthday.

Let us celebrate! Meat Loaf would wish us to celebrate naked.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Janet, yes.

..Oh, my God! How much?

Brilliant! Yeah, all right, I'll see you there!

What? We're buying big, fluffy dresses!

I think you're forgetting "Happy Birthday, Dear Meat Loaf". Dresses.

What about nakedness? Dresses.

What's the matter with you? The choice is beer, nudity, moi, GRR...

or...dresses?

Dresses, dresses, dresses!

What is this, David? Why do I have to wear a tracksuit?

I'm all scruffy, and people will think I'm claiming benefits!

It's T'ai Chi. It creates balance and restores energy. I come every Saturday morning.

It'll help you balance out your frightening, crazy, mental head.

It's stupid! Look at them all, wonging their arms about!

Stop! You look unbalanced! It works if you want to take control of your life,

and reach supreme self-confidence!

- OK, but I'm not joining your cult! - It's not a cult!

- Britannia Music Club said that. - Just relax.

Close your eyes. Arms by your side. Raise them, to a count of five.

Woo-oo-OOH!

Don't go "woo".

Clear your mind of all damaging thoughts, and feel only love.

Oh, God, I feel years of prejudice and snobbery falling away!

I'm filled with joy, and freedom from fear!

That's great! Keep going, like a river!

No, a donkey! No, definitely a river!

I feel, like, weird, as if material possessions don't mean anything!

And that all we need are each other!

Incredible! I've never seen someone grow before my eyes like this! I'll go and tell Kiki and Justin!

PHONE BEEPS

Ooh! DRESS SHOPPING!

I'm bored! Can I have some money?

No! Go and see your mum! I'd rather be bored alone than talking to them about me overachieving brother!

You don't have a brother! They made him up to make me work harder.

Is that why you wake up sometimes in the night screaming "Stuart"? No.

That's for a different reason I don't want to talk about. Well, phone Gaz! He'll be with Donna.

No, I'm with Donna today! Oh, yeah.

Dresses! Woo! You don't understand. Buying a dress is the most important thing about marriage.

More than the rings?! Yep!

And the vows? Definitely!

And the groom? You're just there to make up numbers.

How can you get so excited about something you'll wear once? It's a DRESS! What's to understand?!

Well, me and Gaz don't go, "Look at me new pants!"

They cost a month's wages and I'll never wear 'em again! Hurray!

Your wages are what I give you to spend on sweets! Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something he used once

and think it was great. What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil? That wasn't a month's wages!

It was two cans of White Lightning. I'm saying if you pay a bomb,

it needs to be used and used until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.

That money is for the dress. End of story.

Please don't leave me! It's bad enough in the week. At the weekend,

there's no Fern and Phillip! My God, there's no Lorraine!

Who are these people? My weekday friends who live in the telly!

Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man.

I'm all alone in a sea of nothing with...nothingness all around me!

Like a big, lonely tyre!

Look, here's 20 quid. Off you pop!

Gaz? PUB!

Dresses, dresses, dresses!

Pub, pub, pub!

Frilly? Yep! Er... Slaggy.

Urgh! Manly! Yep!

Homophobic.

Chocoholic! Yes!

Shall we stop saying words now? Yeah. How much did you get to spend? £500! Ahem!

Oh! Look at me!

Oh! Wow, you look like a sweet!

A sweet what? No, just a sweet, like a Campino or a truffle. Better than that - a toilet roll cover!

Thank you!

That's a wedding dress! We're in a wedding dress shop! What do you expect? The Turin Shroud?

Yeah, but you're not getting married. So? I should be trying on the dresses. But I look so cute!

Can I hold your train for a minute? Of course! Put that down, NOW!

Why don't we all wear wedding dresses, like nuns do when they marry God? Because it's MY wedding!

That's the one from the window that I wanted! Take it off! We could just see what they look like,

as brides of Christ - Jesus would like that. NO! You wear bridesmaids' dresses -

unflattering bridesmaids' dresses! Give it back! Don't you want us to look nice? I want you to look OK,

just not too OK. Kind of like when someone ugly has their hair done.

Let's try a dress on each for fun, then dress us how you like, like lobsters or pig-women if need be.

I'm not dressing like Pig-Woman. She was my least favourite Spice Girl.

You're not wearing my bloody wedding dress! Take it off! No, just a few more minutes!

Let me hold a bouquet! Go on! NO! It's my dress! Stop it, Louise!

I can't help it! The dress loves me!

DONNA SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH

You must sing at the wedding now! Oh, can I? Stop it! There's more!

The dress is great

That isn't so good, Donna. Take...it...OFF!

No way! Take it off! TEARING

Here y'are, look at this! What?

That is a miracle, right here in Runcorn! Free beer! It's beautiful!

Hey! Why you doing that?! Free beer!

Gaz! What? What's up? Is that landlord after us?

Yes, Gaz. The landlord's after us.

So the logical thing to do would be to stop and let him catch up. What's the matter, then?!

It's bloody heavy! Ever carried 40 pints? Only in me bladder!

You take it the rest of the way. I would, but... What? I've broken me arm. It's not broke, it's just...

Use your other arm! No! Why not? I use this for...pleasuring meself. And others.

I'll coach ya! Come on! Right. I'm taking it as far as the garage.

what Jon does best! Huh! Huh!

You twat!

Oh, my God.

You've ruined my wedding dress!

It's MINE! Take it off. She's looking at us. Mmm!

When's she getting married? She's not, you stupid woman! I am! I am! I am!

Oh, yes. I can see that now.

Is she your bridesmaid?

Yeah, but she wanted to dress up on my big day! Oh, they always do!

Look, I think we can find something for her to do while we try and find your dress!

URGH! They won't wear tartan! It don't even look good on shortbread!

No, of course not, but let them complain about you for a few hours

and you're free to choose your perfect dress!

You might be my guardian angel!

Yes! Yes, I think I am!

Donna, Louise, come, come, I've found the perfect dress for you!

Beautiful! I didn't know you were Scottish.

Well, Jonny is, or his dad is. He's Jonny Macleod of the clan Mac...leod.

That was Highlander. I thought it'd be nice to see his family's tartan on his wedding day. There you go!

But there's only one dress! In that case, Louise, try this on!

But this isn't tartan! We won't match!

Er, no, that dress has been chosen to represent Jonny's love of...green stuff.

But Janet...? Yeah?

These dresses ming.

So the bride shouldn't have exactly what she wants on her wedding day? Of course you should,

but we'll look like guests at a clown wedding. I'm hurt.

I'm so hurt I want you to try them on and look at yourselves until you like them! Go on! God!

You know what she's marrying. Didn't think her choice in dresses would be better, did you?

Well, yours is stupider. At least I won't look like Christmas cheese!

At least I won't SMELL like Christmas cheese! It's second-hand, that! Oh, my God! Pit stains!

I'll be like a manicured leprechaun! How much worse can it get?!

Oh, and girls, when they're on, we'll choose some bonnets!

Perfect! Absolutely divine!

Shut it.

That didn't even rhyme! But it's true! That's the important thing.

Shall we open it? Yeah, you got a hammer and nail? You not noticed where we are? Oh, yes! Beer World!

Gaz, for God's sake! Look around you! We have tools...

CLANGING

It's no use.

It's defeated us. No, it hasn't.

Give it up, Gaz! I'm havin' it, Jonny.

What?! Well, come on, then!

Gaz! Come on!

Gaz, leave it! COME ON! No, it's won! Let it go!

It hasn't! No, it's over! It's over!

It's... I know... I know.

I know. Shh!

So close...

Such a beautiful thing, just beyond our reach. Like when we found that dead dog in that tree.

Hey, though, what's that?

What? That hole in the top. Yeah!

I'll try something. No use. You've need one of them plugs...

Gaz, help me!

Quick! What?! Stick your finger in it, Jon! We're wasting it!

Well, I feel like a complete twat. How are you?

Mine's actually growing in me now. Growing ON you, you mean? No, it's definitely growing IN me.

What's she playing at? I never even knew she liked this! What's her first dance gonna be? Agadoo?!

No, she'll choose something about Jonny, like Johnny B Goode, or Jilted John.

Ooh, that's clever! Or Jonny, Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch.

I don't know that one. I hum it to myself whenever I see him.

Should we tell her we hate the dresses?

Um, she's nearly broken me twice this year by looking at me funny.

Looking at your what?

If she knows we hate them, not only will her feelings be hurt, but we'll get pain like we've never known.

Oh, I dunno. Can't be much that's more painful than Gaz's loofa. I like loofas!

Yeah, but his used to be alive.

I...found out I'd been scrubbing with some sort of rodent.

Listen, Donna. We need to get out of wearing these gowns. Mine's tight and itchy, and yours, well...

It truly, truly skankifies you.

I know! Change the price tags on them, so they're too expensive!

Mine could be £500, and yours could be £300.

Why's mine cheaper? Because who's gonna pay more than that to look like a bagpipe?

I've got an idea. Come back in the cubicle. Go on!

That worked! They're so quiet! And angry! It always works,

unless they like their dresses! Then your whole wedding is spoiled! What?

Oh, who cares about bridesmaids?! They're the Ugs to the Cinders!

You're the one people want to see!

Yeah, you're right! What do you think? It's divine.

You said that about all of them. They're all divine! Even the one with jackboots on it? Nazi chic.

Divine! You think? Mmm!

It was so "Ou est la piscine?" Really? Mmm! Wow!

Well, this is me favourite so far. It's frighteningly you!

What commission do you get? 40%!

I'd better ask me friends. Don! Louise!

That dress is just WOMANLINESS GONE MAD!

Sure you're not just coming on to me? You ARE stunning!

Mm... I bet they're really upset in there! They'll be devastated!

Divinely devastated! Yeah!

They'll be made up with the real dresses though, won't they? Of course! Never fails! They're coming!

Janet, you need to see this.

This woman - that one, there, her - is trying to sell you shoddy merchandise.

What are you talking about?! Didn't you like your dresses?! They were divine! We loved them!

We lo-o-oved them, at first.

Yeah! At first!

And then we saw THIS! What did you do?!

And I found this.

Oh, my God! Exactly! There's no way we can wear these shoddy goods!

They weren't like that before.

Oh, yeah? Prove it, bitch!

Well, there's the fact that I KNOW they weren't like that,

and there's also... Um...

Oh, yes! There's the CCTV, just up there!

God, what have you done?! We were just trying to get you out of the way with those dresses!

That is SO low! Look, um, OK, we'll just leave it. I'll get changed and we'll just go home, OK?

Excuse me! You're going to have to pay for these now they're ruined!

God! We'll have to wear them after all! You are now! I can't afford them AND another set of dresses!

Shh! How much will it be? £300, all together. Thanks a lot, you two

Now I only have £200 for MY dress! And I'll have to match you! Oh, God, I'll be a cheesy leprechaun...

like Brian Dowling! Was I talking to myself, or did I just ask for £300? YES!

FINE! Fine, I'll pay!

Catch what squirts out. Don't say that in a male environment.

Do you want beer, or a big smack? Depends what you smack me with!

Just get your jug ready! Right.

Right, coming, ready or not.

Why you do that?! You're using sex language again! Catch the run off! Gaz! I can't help your filthy mind!

OK. Right.

Go on... YES!

Go on! YEAH!

That'll do! Take it out.

It's blue.

Whoa! Blue beer!

Maybe we're the first to see this - a secret formula! It's barrel wash.

No, it can't be! It's a new type of beer! It is! Drink it, then!

All right, I will!

Uhh! It's absolutely delicious! Honest?!

Honest, is that beer?! They must put the brown in afterwards!

It's barrel wash. I know.

I thought we should die together. We need an antidote. A pint, then?

£280, £300.

And you're a fascist. Thank you! I've only got £200. Got anything for that, have you?

Why, yes! Do you? Although not many women can carry off the "two bits of rag on a string" look.

Can't all be Christina Aguilera!

I feel really bad now. Why? We did nothing wrong! Well, cos we made her give away her wedding money

and we wrecked the dresses. Oh, that!

Well, I always say if it doesn't hurt me, it makes me stronger.

We're really sorry! I'd give you the money if I had it, but I can't be arsed, at the end of the day.

We ruined your day, didn't we? Yeah. I've only got £200 left.

How much is the dress from the window? £400. I've only got half.

Are you talking about this dress? Yes, and now I can never afford it.

Oh! Hold on one darn second! There's a rip in this dress! Yes, I know... Shut it!

I assure you, there isn't! Oh, yes, there is!

Just here! Look! Golly gosh, there is, isn't there?! You poor, evil woman! You'll never sell it now!

I'll just have to dye it purple and give it to pushy bridesmaids! Well, unless you drop the price.

Half the price! To...£200? £150.

£125! £130.

Done! Hold on! It's got a massive gash in it! How much would it cost to repair? Oh, about £70.

DONE!

Have I just been...? ..Divine!

Have you been for a wee? Yes... Maccy, Maccy, Maccy!

- I want what every girl wants! - I knew this day would come! Who's first across me knee?!

Baby, baby, baby! Luckily, I can give you one last chance!

She's me supervisor, and... Well, she's bullying me!

As long as you have sexual intercourse with me!