Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

Donna slept with my boyfriend!

You only came with me to avoid Munch! He's everywhere - like God!

You're just flattering me now!

The registrar phoned... Is it for June? I adore June weddings!

I'm really sorry, Jonny - it's tomorrow.

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

I don't wanna get married tomorrow! You've no choice,

unless you want your penis removed. I'll speak to your parents.

Naked, with parsley growing out your arse - it'd be that helpful

I don't want you to regret anything. I won't!

My mum and dad hate us - great! I might even encourage it!

I'll tell them about our collection of sex toys. What sex toys?

That egg-box thing with the teeth on it.

That's not a sex toy - it's a crocodile.

I saw it on Art Attack! Why do you keep trying to insert it?

Look, Janet, what I'm saying is they've got to come round, if only to help remove that dress!

What's wrong with me dress?

Janet, it's a bit on the big side and it smells of fat, lass!

Oh, is that what that is?

Just let me have a word with them.

They're probably feeling awful.

You think? Yeah. They'll be scared they're missing out. Maybe.

I'll go first thing in the morning. You have to speak to them now.

But...Food And Drink's on! I really like that Worrall Thompson bloke!

He's just like a big egg. Please, Jonny! My mum's out - you'll have more chance tackling my dad alone.

But your dad's dead scary! Where's your mum? Anal housewives group.

Why can't you be more like her?

No, Jonny, it's for people who are much too anal!

Why can't you be more like her?

I can't rid of this headache!

Might be a tumour or too much meat. I'll get you an aspirin inside.

I'm stressed, Donna! That so-called brother of mine!

He hangs on to me like termites... Mr Wilkinson? >

He's here! How will we get in?

We'll move - to Cornwall!

I'm going up. I won't let him in. Donna! It's like Jurassic Park - he'll find a way!

You're being stupid! Go on! No! Go on! No!

KNOCKING Mr Wilkinson?

Hello, Munch. What are you doing here? I came to say I'm sorry. Where's Gaz? He's just...

he's just nipped off to Cornwall. Oh? I'll see him in a bit, then.

Tell him I won't bother him any more. I thought about what he said.

I remember me mum saying I've not to hang around people too much. OK. I'll tell him.

Good night.

Miaow!

Miaow!

Grrr! Woof!

Grrr! Ruff!

Come on, Jonny!

Come on, son, you can do this!

Come on, Jonny!

Right...

Mr Smith...

chew my bum fat.

For God's sake! What do you want? It's late! I know, but...

I came to say Janet's really upset about this...

Listen, you little turd watcher...

if you think I'll let someone like you...

But I love her, Mr Smith. I'm begging you. I'm on my knees.

What's going on, Pete? It's freezing in those stirrups!

Oh, Christ!

Listen, er, Jonny... this isn't what it looks like...

Obviously! Listen to me, Jonny...

Now, what was I saying?

Oh, yes.

Peter...Pete... Petey with Petey Pops!

What?

Would you give me the honour of your daughter's hand in marriage?

KNOCKING Hang on.

Happy wedding day! I'm not getting married! Where's the body?

Have you thought of counselling? Think I'd be good at it?

I'm going to have a proper wedding with flowers and singing and hats. I baked a cake! It has to be today!

These are just mini marshmallows and green pie!

It's an alternative wedding cake.

The wedding was a bit of a Bryan McFadden, so I thought the catering should be too! Jonny sorted it!

You and Donna can be bridesmaids again! I'll only stand next to her in a church is if she's in a box!

And even then I'd smudge her death make-up! Please try and get along!

I won't unless she goes back in time and unsleeps with David!

You can't unsleep with people.

Yes, you can! I've done it hundreds of times. You just do pelvic-floor exercises

until all is forgotten and your soul is cleansed.

Let me in on this! My pretty hero! I was just bringing your breakfast up! What is it?

Green pie - nice! Talk to Donna. I'm planning a wedding! Wanna plan upstairs?

In bed? With some green pie? Yeah! Go on, then! Stop it!

Get off!

Don't expect me to help you plan!

Oh, you're here!

Yes. What do you want? Come to beg for your bridesmaid's position? Sort of. I came to see Janet.

What's that?

Their sex song. Well, if Janet's doing dirt, you can't see her!

Boyfriend stealer! How was I to know you two would get together?

Psychic boyfriend stealer! We're bridesmaids - so we better get along today. The wedding's off.

What did you do? I slept with Jonny, but it was ages ago, so it all must be fan-bloody-marvellous!

Anyway, you came to apologise? To Janet, yes.

Came to tell her I would be her bridesmaid. You can't! Why not? I want to be bridesmaid!

I'm very spoilt! Watch! Nnngh!

We'll both have to be bridesmaids eventually.

Oh, no way! Not with you! Never!

"Boombastic" CONTINUES

Janet, has he finished yet?

After Oh Carolina!

Hello, garage. Gaz? I brought some jam for dinner time.

Ooh! Sweets!

Eugh!

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

Yeah. Ambulance.

I've made me brother suicidal.

Like one of them dead people with his eyes all in his head!

Don't think he's breathing. A pulse? Hang on...

He's definitely got no pulse.

Just come quickly! I'm only little!

Hiya!

Jesus! Don't do that! You know I hate people sneaking up behind me ever since that incident at the zoo!

You shouldn't have worn a red bum bag. You confused the baboons!

Do you know what this is? I found it in the garden?

It's a He-Man. It's an old toy.

Thank God! I thought the little people were coming back.

Really? Now, what d'you want, love?

Nothing. Thought we could have a chat. It's not true! None of it!

What are you talking about? Depends. What are you talking about? No, you first. What is it?

Janet's boyfriend.

You didn't?

That's just disgusting...!

No, no...! Why? Do you think he likes me?

No, but what about Janet's boyfriend?

He saw me.

He saw you? Yeah. He saw me.

Oh, God! You've been standing naked at the window again?

No! And I do that so the cars slow down! I'm thinking of the local children!

Mum...? These speed bumps are better than any sleeping policeman!

What did Jonny see you doing? He didn't mention anything? No. What is it? Thank God! Crisis over.

So what were you worried about?

Well...I kind of talked myself out of being a bridesmaid last night...

Why? Well, I fell out with the other bridesmaid.

Is she a moose? No, she's gorgeous. What did you do?

Well, I...slept with her boyfriend.

Is that all? I hate these petty little women!

What would you do?

Whenever I sleep with somebody's boyfriend,

I create a tragedy in my life so they'll feel bad and forgive me.

Like what? Well, like... your granny's been run over 15 times at the last count...

you had eight valve transplants... What kind of valves?

I don't know, really. I just like saying valves!

So if I say something terrible's happened, Louise'll forgive me.

Exactly! Can I say you're dead?

I think you're best off saying I'm dying, then I get some flowers too.

OK. But...make it something glamorous like...

..heroin addiction...

..or valvitis.

I don't want you to forgive me. I did nothing wrong.

You slept with Donna! You want me to forgive you!

That was ages ago!

You doodled my friend!

Doodled? Is that a Northern thing?

Obviously sleeping with the lower classes has damaged your memory.

No, that's the bush I smoke...

in more ways than one.

Look, all I want you to do is never to speak to Donna again

and never to look at her exceptional bottom.

This is stupid! It was one night, before I was with you,

between two people who felt a mutual sexual attraction.

You fancy her?! In a sex way?

No, of course not!

Well...I did fancy her then, obviously, she was pretty phew...

You love her? Oooh!

What did you say to him to make him change his mind?

I can't! Then, you'd be as charming as me! So?

You know what happens when two charming people breed?

Ah! Liza Minnelli! See?

It's weird.

What can I say? He was a pulley in me hands. Putty in your hands!

No, he was more like a pulley. I pulled his heartstrings and his love curtain came up.

No! This is too strange! Janet, stop being such a pessimist!

I whispered him a few truths and he did what I wanted - like The Horse Whisperer. I'm the dad whisperer!

You've got something on him! What?

You're blackmailing him! Is he dodging his taxes? Yes!

I checked his books, added up his gross against net profit...

He's dodging his taxes!

You got something on him! Tell me! Can't. So you have got something? I can't tell you, OK? You'd get hurt.

He's having an affair!

Stop...!

Don't be silly! If I'm being silly, why did you go...?

He's not having an affair! My dad's cheating! No, he's not! Listen...

I'll tell you... Go on. I went round his house and knocked...

He answered... What happened? Who was she?

I asked him about us... He wasn't alone! The bastard! I'll kill him! No, he was alone...

Who was he with?! No-one... He was... What? ..Dressed as a woman!

I'm sorry...

"To who it may concern, we are in hospikal.

"Mr Wilkinson may be dead as you read this.

"Loads of love and a million kisses, Munch."

Shit!

He's embarrassed enough! He needs to know it's nothing to be ashamed of! Was it one of Mum's dresses?

No... It's OK. He might want it kept private! You know! He's paying for the wedding!

You're blackmailing someone for something natural? If it was natural, I'd be wearing a twinset!

It's just a secret no-one need ever mention again...

like when you pooed in the baths and blamed a pensioner. No...

I can't have him living like this! He has to know it's OK!

Will I talk to him?

No way! Just need him to know he's not a pervert! Well, he is a bit!

Girl's pants and that!

Jonny! I'll do it. No girl needs to see her dad's unwaxed bikini line.

I'm going to tell him it's OK and he needn't hide from society!

I might even call him Mum! PHONE RINGS Leave it!

Any change? Yeah.

I'd a gobful of his drip. It tastes like sea water.

It's serious. Did you phone your dad? Why? We're a great team.

The Munch Crew! I don't wanna be in the Munch Crew! I need a friend. My mum's out, Janet's out...

Oh, man, me head...!

Where am I? You awake, Gaz?

I'm in hospital! Hey...

you all right?

Why did you do it? Was there an accident?

I saved your life! Go, Munch!

Just let me do the talking, OK?

Why? He's my dad. I should help him through his fetish.

I wonder how many times that's been said in Runcorn!

Just remember he's in pain. I know - stirrups can chafe.

What?

Oh, God! Look, I thought we made a deal!

Hello, Pete. Nice to see you in men's clothes.

What are you talking about?

I'll kill you, Jonny! Me and you had an agreement!

Listen to Janet! Stop snarling! Jesus, it's like Brookside!

I just wanna say my piece.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You haven't. Haven't I? But your mother...

Just listen! Janet understands. I do, Dad. It's perfectly normal. Is it?

For God's sake, just listen, Mr Corkhill...I mean, Smith.

Stop the Brookie references, or I'll kill you! And bury me under the patio while we have a lesbian kiss!

Stop it, Jonny!

Look, Dad...

I know men of your age need something to liven things up...

Have you told your mother? No, Dad, and I won't. It's not my job.

What do you mean? You should tell her.

Well, I don't think she'd understand the...situation.

A lot of men do it! You're not wrong there, love.

By telling Mum, she could get involved.

I don't think... You haven't asked.

Yeah, well...maybe... some time in the future.

I'm here to say I understand. Do you?

Don't hide it like a dirty little secret. But it is a dirty little secret. No, it's not!

Be proud of what you are!

You're really understanding. That's why I'm your favourite! Course you are!

If I was doing it, I'd ask Janet along for the ride.

What? If you wanna come underwear shopping with me, I'd love it! What's going on? We're going.

What are you on about? Cross-dressing. I'll help you.

Your secret's safe with us! I'm not a cross-dresser! Wouldn't go near a sussie belt!

Oh, right? Well, I must have been mistaken.

There must be some other secret Janet doesn't know about.

I wonder what that could be.

No...there's not...

..definitely isn't...

Janet...

I'm a...

I'm a builder by day...

..and... And, by night...

..By night, I'm...

a woman.

And what do you call yourself?

I call myself Claire.

Do you tuck your undercarriage between your legs like in Silence Of The Lambs

and dance to Kylie? Don't push it!

You don't have to pay for the wedding. Unless you want to. You little... Don't blame him!

I made him tell me! You look beautiful in chiffon, jelly tot!

Don't worry - we won't tell - promise! I'm paying!

What? Janet, look...

I wanna pay for your wedding! I wanna give you away. I wanna pay for everything. OK, Jonny?

Yes, darling.

Thank you, Dad!

Don't wear a white dress and upstage me!

Just never tell your mother, all right?

Or anyone in the Travellers' Rest or the darts team...

or the builders' yard.

Or in the Close! We won't tell the Jordaches, la'!

OK, Dad...this can be your surprise for everyone.

I love you, you big pervert!

They pumped your stomach! I'm a hero. SuperMunch!

Why would they pump me stomach? You overdosed.

I didn't overdose! I got pissed! I found the pills!

So they weren't inside me!

I didn't think of that. So you didn't overdose?

No! Why would I do that? Cos I make you so sad!

Jesus Christ ego! I'm going home. Move!

Why the hell am I naked?

Nurses wanted to see your winky.

Stop telling women I'm out of proportion!

So you're totally fine? I just got drunk at the garage.

Couldn't you pretend to be ill just for a bit? Why?

Donna, it's so sad...

Will he die?

Well, it's touch and go!

I've been so horrible to you.

I know...

You're such a cow!

You slept with David and now you've been punished.

I know, I know...

Oh, my God! I'm there for you. I'm so sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, the stress of this whole David situation...

Of course. I think it's affecting Gaz.

They say he's developed a catarrh of rebolis...

We'll just forget about it. I'll never mention it again.

Really? I was just being childish and selfish.

Let's all go home, then.

Thank God for that!

I'm dying for a pint!

I'm a miracle worker!

You'll both be bridesmaids? Louise, thanks so much!

Gaz is OK, yeah? Great! All right, then. I'll see you later.

"Boombastic" BLARES

My lord, a more beautiful creature I never did see!

Why, I must have her! May I have this dance? Ah!

Janet... Yeah? I have to take this off! But you're so pretty.

But I'm getting really turned on and it scares me!

I don't usually have to do me Saturdays on me own.

You're here with your nipples.

That dress is just womanliness gone mad!

Moi...grrrr! Or dresses!

I feel like a complete twat!

Take it off!