Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

Who dares enter the lair of the Donna-natrix? On your knees, worm!

You've been a bad boy. I'll punish you with my sex whip!

I love my new family!

May I have the privilege of your daughter's hand in marriage? Were they excited? Did they open wine?

Not exactly. Well, what, then?

He said no.

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger now

Gaz, what's he doing here?

Don't mind me, I'm very broad-minded. I even like cabbages.

Donna, I didn't think you'd do this! I wouldn't have brought him if I knew you'd be dressed...

I've got the beginnings of a bonk on now!

Yeah, me too. We're just that close.

Go now! But, sir, I'll miss out on some nudiness.

It's embarrassing. Munch, leave us.

Me chips'll get cold. Munch, leave! You're more irritating than a septic testicle.

OK, I'll go.

But, Nurse... I just wanna say you're dead beautiful.

You needn't be bothered by anything I've seen, cos I think you're lovely

and you have a sensual element... like a kettle.

Go, Munch!

Gaz, we can't let him leave with cold chips. ..Munch!

Stick the oven on. You can warm your chips up, then leave.

You're beautiful inside too, like a Crunchie.

Listen to you! I'll see if we can't dig you out some ketchup as well.

Hey! Whoa! Wait!

Stop touching her!

I think you're crunchy too, you know.

Look, just because your parents say we can't get married doesn't mean we shouldn't. Yeah?

Remember when you said I couldn't eat a pound of salt? What did I do?

You nearly died.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

But they've got all the money!

I've got an idea. Why not develop cancer? Then they'll support you.

They won't fall for that. They're from Toxteth. They laugh at dying dogs on Vets In Practice.

Well, it looks like we can't get married. Damn and damn.

What's on telly? We ARE marrying. They just won't be invited.

We don't need a church or a £1,000 buffet. We don't?

You've talked about Jonny-shaped carrot sticks for weeks!

You do the buffet, I'll get a second-hand dress.

Hold on, haven't you already got a dress? No, I haven't.

What's that white thing in the cleaning bag? My baker's overcoat.

Oh. That is dead nice. You should wear that.

I may well do. I'm a grown-up! If I want to marry, I will!

They can stay at home, chortling at gerbils with gangrene.

It's nice to have lunch together, isn't it? Yeah. We can go somewhere else if you like.

Oh, no. I usually avoid carbohydrates at all costs,

but relationships are give-and-take...

Louise, we CAN go somewhere else.

In fact, maybe we should go somewhere else. No, it's fine.

It'd be childish and spoilt of me to insist everything went my way. I'm not like that any more.

Chip barm, please. What are you having, David?

Did she just call you David?

You must come here a lot, my little huggy pig.

He hardly ever comes here. Isn't that right, David? We should go.

No, we flippin' well shouldn't!

I know you've a life away from me. I embrace that.

Or else you were boyfriend and girlfriend and I embrace that too as part of your past. ..Hi, by the way.

She was never my girlfriend. No, that's right.

We just slept together...a lot.

Let me guess. He lost my number and accidentally changed his and moved.

And what a colourful past it is.

Hiya! I like your outfit. I found you a cake. Hey, there's a dead bird in the street.

Gaz is at work.

He sent me to the chippy. Shouldn't you be there?

I like it here better. You're here with...womanness.

I've got to go. Make yourself at home. Shut the door when you leave.

You're lovely, you. Always thinking of others.

You're like a lovely bit of meat.

I wish... I wish you were my mum.

Listen to you!

Look, make a sandwich, have a rest. I'll see you around.

Belter!

DOOR CLOSES

What did you do to make her that angry? I don't wanna talk about it.

It's in the past. Aagh!

OK, OK. Just don't squeak.

I used to be a bit, um...

sociable.

Sociable?

Mm. I was, um...

gregarious.

David, were you a big slag?

No, I was just...

sexually friendly.

David, it worries me that you hurt that girl in the chippy and you'll do the same to me.

No, look...

the past is the past.

I was horrible to Simone a while ago, but I'm not like that now.

Simone? Oh, "Simone", is it?

Didn't I just say that? OK, I'll behave.

You only have to ask Donna to see how much I've changed.

Mum?

Hello! You caught me.

Doing what? Let me think. Stood on a street corner pretending to read. Don't answer.

So what have you been up to today? I called in on you at the flat.

Who's that strange boy living with you? What boy?

Oh, Munch. He's not living with us. So why did he say, "The Munch Man is here to stay, baby."

Oh, God! Was he still there when you left?

Yeah. I didn't go in. You know what young men are like around me.

Yes, frightened. Very frightened.

If you're stuck with him, you know what to do. Thanks, I don't need to move back home.

No, I mean send him round to me. I could do with another pair of hands about my person.

Hiya! I'm here about your wedding dress. Yeah, come on in.

I don't suppose you do alterations, do you?

Munch, what are you still doing here?

- You said to make meself at home. - Is this how you treat YOUR home?

God, no! My mum'd kill me!

Haven't you been to work? I thought about it,

but I found me brother's porn. My brain can't think of this many things at once. I was awash.

Gaz is going to be furious with you.

He won't mind. Donna! We're soul mates.

That stupid bag of mambo skived...

Hiya!

What're you doing here? Keeping her company.

I thought you'd run away, like that dog I had. What - Eric?

Yeah, how do you know his name? He didn't run off. Dad took him off you and gave him to me for Christmas.

Eric, yeah. With his huge, small eyes and his fondness for everything humpable.

I wonder what happened to him.

I broke him.

But his neck was no bigger than a can of pudding, so I wasn't totally at fault.

Munch, listen. You can't just leave work and hang around me flat.

Why not? I've got no real friends. None at all? That's so sad.

No, they abandoned me. I'm irritating.

I don't think you're irritating. Brilliant! What's for tea?

He's not staying for tea. Why not? He's clingy and flaky, like my psoriasis.

My mum never has any food in on a Tuesday.

Security's tight in Asda midweek.

Course he'll stay. He needs feeding. If he and Jonny stood side by side, people'd start taking penalties.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed. He won't starve!

I'll give him a quid. ..Here you are. Don't spend it on magic beans.magic beans? caps?

Oh, you're right. I'm selfish.

I should be a better brother. Look out for you.

Pick you up when you're down and stroke you when you're ill.

And feed you when you're hungry.

That's what it means to be a real family. But I've never had a real family, have I?

Beans on toast all right, then?

Belter!

Hiya!

Hiya. You seem happy. Did you speak to your mum and dad? No.

I have no parents. You do. I saw them yesterday. I don't think about them any more, so they don't exist.

But not thinking about something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Like, I'm not thinking about Lorraine Kelly, but I know...

Hold on, now I am thinking about her.

All right, I'm not thinking about cement mix, but I know...

Hold on, now I am thinking about it.

I'm not thinking about the Versailles Treaty, but I know it exists. But now you are.

No, cos I don't know what it is.

I need you to fill out these wedding invites.

These are christening invitations.

But you wanted tissue invites. Are we getting baptised instead? I always wanted a biscuit at church.

Why?

To see what Christ tastes like.

He tastes like rice paper, Jonny.

Imagine that.

I'd have thought the Son of God would have headed in the ginger direction.

Did the council call? No, why?

I applied for a quickie wedding and I've asked for cancellations. Let's hope someone's fiance dies soon.

I'm crossing my fingers on that.

Can you go out tonight? Louise and Donna are round for a dress fitting. Aren't you rushing things?

No. But you're all wound up like a cat on stilts.

I'm coping. Can't you see? I can't have a dream wedding or my dad give me away. Watch me cope. I'm good.

You're in shock. We can get married when your parents will support us.

Jonny, I have no parents. I'm an orphan. It's rather a shame, but I'm terribly chipper.

You're trying to spite them. They may not like me, but they love you.

How many times must I say it? You are marrying me and it'll be friggin' marvellous!

I think the way I proposed was better.

Yours was just rude.

When did you sleep with her? Was it a full moon?

It was a year ago. It was only one night and she was rubbish, honest.

I don't care if she was good.

Was she really, really bad?

I'm sorry, If I'd known we'd get together, I'd never have done it.

David, you don't understand. What?

How many women have you slept with?

53. But about a third of them were real minge-bags, so don't worry.

Oh!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

That's what they said.

Don't you get it? Why? How many men have you slept with? Don't worry if it's less. It is less, isn't it?

Course it's less! Only Dean Gaffney has slept with more people than you!

Under ten, or you should get a smear test. There could be all sorts living up there.

But Donna, though! Ugh!

I thought you were different. I told you, I'm not like that any more.

Oh, God! You're celibate.

You did it too much and ran out of steam like a big Freudian sex train.

No, it's not that.

I was young and naive.

And young, naive men do sleep around. They don't mean to.

They do it by accident. It's a curse.

So you're saying that Donna seduced you.

What?

She held you against your will and it's not your fault.

Oh, you poor innocent thing! I'm not saying that at all.

Poor baby! I'm here for you, David. D'you need some milk of magnesia?

No. Look, Donna didn't seduce me. It was a two-way thing, honestly.

She seduced you, then brainwashed you. She's a strange and evil force.

And I think she dyes her hair.

You'll know, David. Do the accessories match the outfit?

I like it when you shop with me. I can buy heavy stuff, like vodka.

Why are there so many different types of shampoo? And why do you stare at them for ten minutes?

But you can learn so much - how to sniff a melon or a peach.

I know exactly how... No, Gaz.

You only came to avoid Munch, didn't you? Can you blame me? He's everywhere. He's like God.

Aw, thanks, Gaz. Jesus! Don't flatter me. Look what I robbed.

Put 'em away! We'll get in trouble. They can't do you once it's robbed. It's called double Geoffrey.

No...

I'm going to the pub. Hey, can I come?

Oh!

Here...

What's this?

"Come"? Yeah.

I only got that far - it ripped. It's an invite to Janet's wedding.

It's just "Come" on a tissue.

Yeah, Janet wants tissue invites so people can wipe their teary eyes.

Who else are you inviting? Let's see, there's you and Donna, Louise,

and, um, Munch.

No! No, don't invite Munch. Why not? He seems like a nice bloke.

He isn't! He truly isn't. He's like a leech, just there all the time.

He uses me shower, takes up Donna's time, eats dripping over me porn!

Everyone in Rubber Sluts has got really greasy skin now.

What's the problem? Tell him to go. I can't. He's got no friends.

Aw! That's so sad! And that's his power.

If he's lonely, why doesn't he join a club or something?

Won't have him - he puts everything he touches in his mouth. He's not welcome in public toilets any more!

Gaz?

What?

You know, I've just thought...

I haven't got a best man yet.

I've been longing for this moment with all me heart. Ever since I was a boy, me dream was...

Stop it. But don't invite Munch. Honest to God, he's so irritating!

I asked him to leave after tea and he pretended to fall asleep. How do you know he was pretending?

I said, "Munch, can you go now?" And he went...

You used to like your family, Gaz. Only cos they'd buy me things.

Munch will never buy me anything. He'll never do anything for me, the lazy, monkey-faced arse-wipe!

Is he behind me? No. He would be if we were in Saved By The Bell.

Sorry, I was lying. He is.

Hiya!

Are you ready?

Da-da-da-da, da-dum!

Don't you look...

eccentric?!

Oh, give me a fag, Donna. I need a drink. You sound like my mum on her wedding day.

Tart. Did you call me a tart?

No. What are WE going to wear?

What? Well, we are bridesmaids, aren't we?

Oh, yeah. Wear what you want.

Come as an egg, if you fancy. That reminds me,

would you like a hen night? Cluck-cluck!

Shut up, chicken tramp!

We'll go to pubs. What did you call me?

Nothing...slag, slut, whore.

What's up with you, Louise? You keep snapping at her.

You seduced him!

God, you found out.

Yes, I did. ..Ng!

Let that be a lesson to you. What's going on?

Donna slept with my boyfriend.

My God! When? It was last year! I didn't steal him off her.

He said you were rubbish. I'll kill him! He swore he'd never tell.

We've far more important things to talk...

I snagged his bollocks on my ring. I was tryin' to find the perineum.

It's a very long and bloody story.

Can we talk about my wonderful day, not argue about some bloke? Of course. ..Can't we, Louise?

Flowers?

Yes, let's talk about your flowers, as the skank suggests.

Oi! You...weevil!

Shut up! My parents aren't talking to me. I don't want you falling out too. Aren't you inviting them?

Is it because your dad looks at me in that forbidding way?

Ugh! No, Louise.

They've got to come, they're your parents. I don't care. They're as welcome as Lee Bowyer in a mosque.

Isn't it a bit soon? I've been with Jonny longer than most marriages last. They know that.

I've even seen his talking anus trick. That's a solid relationship.

No, just give your mum and dad some space. They'll get used to the idea.

Excuse me, Donna, you've no right to lecture after your fearsome grindings with my boyfriend.

I shagged David once in a time far, far away. Now grow up and forget it.

Janet, she can't be your bridesmaid.

She's unpure.

And she's made my boyfriend unpure.

He's tainted by a love that dares not speak its name...

beastiality.

Do not call me a beast.

Why not? It's not like you've never smelt of dung.

And quite frankly, Donna, when was the last time you saw your dad?

Oh, yes, he'd just come down with foot-and-mouth, hadn't he?

Then we'll see if anyone's dropped any kebab meat on the pavement.

Munch, I don't want a stag do.

Who said you were invited? Me and Jonny's practically family now.

How's that? Well, you're my brother.

Half! That's the important bit - half! Like half a lager

or half a Scargill.

Yeah, but you're Jonny's best man, though. Right?

So? That makes me fall-back best man.

No, it doesn't. Tell him, Jonny.

I'm the chosen one. You're not a friggin' Jedi.

You said I can organise the wedding strippers. Not at weddings!

That's why I'm best man - to put 'em there.

I'll be no trouble. I'll sit behind till you faint, then I can take over your duties.

No, you can't! You won't be there! I'm sick of you, Munch. What?

But we're family. But you're stealing me life!

You're practically moving in! Taking my private life like some sucky Spiderman!

Are you saying I can move in?

No! I'd never live with someone who uses my shower-head to unblock himself.

So do you hear me, Munch? I don't want you around.

Gaz, you're being unfair. He doesn't mean it.

Unfair. Thanks a lot, Jonny! Fine, let him be your best man, but don't blame me when he swallows the ring.

I've got a fat metabolism. You'd have it back within 48 hours.

Like that Eddie Murphy film. Doctor Doolittle?

You're not taking this seriously. Well, no, I'm not.

We know you're best man. You should be more tolerant of your brother.

All right, you have him. What?

Munch, this is your new brother. He loves you very, very much.

I hope you're happy together. Aw, you give me the best presents. Gaz.

Gaz!

PHONE RINGS

I didn't know you were so dainty.

I didn't think you were so butch.

Don't start or I'll break you, squeaky twat-bag!

Don't make me use my degree.

Do you speak like that cos of a physical complaint or cos you've never had a good, hard shag?

Do you walk like that cos there's still people trapped up there?

Cave Rescue's there for a reason, Donna.

Shut up, you two. What's up?

It's the registrar. What did they say?

Donna! What? We're having nothing to do with this wedding. We're going home. But...

Great! At least you'll have a bridesmaid who can control her flatulence.

I wouldn't stand by her anyway in case her vagina unfroze and she humped my leg.

I can't do it. Isn't it nice how girls share everything?

Anyway, at least I get to sleep with the best man.

Belter!

- What? - I'm the best man!

We're going. Bye!

It'll be all right.

They just need some Munch time.

Piss off!

You don't need her, Janet. I'll be the best bridesmaid ever.

Mm. And I'll be a beautiful, blushing, bastard bride.

Look, I'll go home now and make you a nice cake.

And if I were you, I'd start putting the pressure on Jonny now.

I like your dress.

Thanks.

Look, I know it looks bad at the minute, but we can sort this out.

Donna and Gaz'll calm down. Louise will be a great bridesmaid. With a black eye?

Don't be daft. We've months left. It'll be gone by then. At the end of the day, only me and you matter.

Yeah, there you go. Come here.

It's all gonna be all right. I suppose. Course it is.

Now, let's get you in that kitchen to make me a lovely egg butty.

Jonny, the registrar phoned.

Have you got a cancellation?

Is it for June? I adore June weddings.

COUGHS I mean, actually, there isn't really a tough month, is there?

Apart from funky old February.

No, it's not June. When, then?

I'm really sorry, Jonny.

It's tomorrow.

You've been standing naked at the window again.

These speed bumps are better than any sleeping policeman.

I don't wanna get married tomorrow.

You've no choice, unless you want separating from your penis.

What's going on, Pete, eh? It's freezing in those stirrups.

Who was it with, Jonny? No-one... What? He was dressed as a woman.

Yes, ambulance. He's not breathing.

Will he die?