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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,520
This programme contains adult humour.
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00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,040
Who dares enter the lair of the
Donna-natrix? On your knees, worm!
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,880
You've been a bad boy.
I'll punish you with my sex whip!
4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,200
I love my new family!
5
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May I have the privilege of your
daughter's hand in marriage? Were
they excited? Did they open wine?
6
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,320
Not exactly. Well, what, then?
7
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He said no.
8
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with bubbles in it
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00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:48,160
I can't handle anything stronger now
10
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,080
Gaz, what's he doing here?
11
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,880
Don't mind me, I'm very
broad-minded. I even like cabbages.
12
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:14,000
Donna, I didn't think you'd do
this! I wouldn't have brought him
if I knew you'd be dressed...
13
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:19,080
I've got the beginnings
of a bonk on now!
14
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Yeah, me too. We're just that close.
15
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,240
Go now! But, sir,
I'll miss out on some nudiness.
16
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,920
It's embarrassing. Munch, leave us.
17
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Me chips'll get cold. Munch, leave!
You're more irritating
than a septic testicle.
18
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,440
OK, I'll go.
19
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:42,640
But, Nurse... I just wanna say
you're dead beautiful.
20
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You needn't be bothered by anything
I've seen, cos I think you're lovely
21
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:52,080
and you have a sensual element...
like a kettle.
22
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,200
Go, Munch!
23
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,880
Gaz, we can't let him leave
with cold chips. ..Munch!
24
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:06,280
Stick the oven on. You can
warm your chips up, then leave.
25
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,080
You're beautiful inside too,
like a Crunchie.
26
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:15,400
Listen to you! I'll see if we can't
dig you out some ketchup as well.
27
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,520
Hey! Whoa! Wait!
28
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,000
Stop touching her!
29
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,920
I think you're crunchy too,
you know.
30
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Look, just because your parents say
we can't get married doesn't mean
we shouldn't. Yeah?
31
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:41,600
Remember when you said I couldn't
eat a pound of salt? What did I do?
32
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,560
You nearly died.
33
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:46,920
Yes.
34
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Yes, I did.
35
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,760
But they've got all the money!
36
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:58,600
I've got an idea. Why not develop
cancer? Then they'll support you.
37
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:05,320
They won't fall for that.
They're from Toxteth. They laugh at
dying dogs on Vets In Practice.
38
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,600
Well, it looks like we can't
get married. Damn and damn.
39
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:15,400
What's on telly? We ARE marrying.
They just won't be invited.
40
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,440
We don't need a church
or a £1,000 buffet. We don't?
41
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:24,160
You've talked about Jonny-shaped
carrot sticks for weeks!
42
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,480
You do the buffet,
I'll get a second-hand dress.
43
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:32,320
Hold on, haven't you already got
a dress? No, I haven't.
44
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,360
What's that white thing in the
cleaning bag? My baker's overcoat.
45
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,760
Oh. That is dead nice.
You should wear that.
46
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:45,440
I may well do. I'm a grown-up!
If I want to marry, I will!
47
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,320
They can stay at home,
chortling at gerbils with gangrene.
48
00:03:55,760 --> 00:04:02,160
It's nice to have lunch together,
isn't it? Yeah. We can go
somewhere else if you like.
49
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:07,000
Oh, no. I usually avoid
carbohydrates at all costs,
50
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,560
but relationships are
give-and-take...
51
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,440
Louise, we CAN go somewhere else.
52
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:18,160
In fact, maybe we should go
somewhere else. No, it's fine.
53
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,320
It'd be childish and spoilt of me
to insist everything went my way.
I'm not like that any more.
54
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,800
Chip barm, please.
What are you having, David?
55
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,240
Did she just call you David?
56
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,760
You must come here a lot,
my little huggy pig.
57
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:38,400
He hardly ever comes here. Isn't
that right, David? We should go.
58
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,200
No, we flippin' well shouldn't!
59
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,840
I know you've a life away from me.
I embrace that.
60
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:51,800
Or else you were boyfriend and
girlfriend and I embrace that too as
part of your past. ..Hi, by the way.
61
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,520
She was never my girlfriend.
No, that's right.
62
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,320
We just slept together...a lot.
63
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:05,040
Let me guess. He lost my number and
accidentally changed his and moved.
64
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,080
And what a colourful past it is.
65
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:21,520
Hiya! I like your outfit.
I found you a cake. Hey,
there's a dead bird in the street.
66
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,760
Gaz is at work.
67
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,400
He sent me to the chippy.
Shouldn't you be there?
68
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:32,240
I like it here better.
You're here with...womanness.
69
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:37,720
I've got to go. Make yourself at
home. Shut the door when you leave.
70
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,760
You're lovely, you.
Always thinking of others.
71
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,400
You're like a lovely bit of meat.
72
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,680
I wish... I wish you were my mum.
73
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,120
Listen to you!
74
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:55,560
Look, make a sandwich, have a rest.
I'll see you around.
75
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,960
Belter!
76
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,720
DOOR CLOSES
77
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:11,440
What did you do to make her that
angry? I don't wanna talk about it.
78
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,760
It's in the past. Aagh!
79
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,200
OK, OK. Just don't squeak.
80
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,960
I used to be a bit, um...
81
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,720
sociable.
82
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,120
Sociable?
83
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,560
Mm. I was, um...
84
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,120
gregarious.
85
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,160
David, were you a big slag?
86
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,480
No, I was just...
87
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,360
sexually friendly.
88
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:40,360
David, it worries me that
you hurt that girl in the chippy
and you'll do the same to me.
89
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,400
No, look...
90
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,840
the past is the past.
91
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:50,640
I was horrible to Simone a while
ago, but I'm not like that now.
92
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,920
Simone? Oh, "Simone", is it?
93
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,760
Didn't I just say that?
OK, I'll behave.
94
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:02,360
You only have to ask Donna
to see how much I've changed.
95
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,720
Mum?
96
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,640
Hello! You caught me.
97
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:21,160
Doing what? Let me think.
Stood on a street corner
pretending to read. Don't answer.
98
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:27,240
So what have you been up to today?
I called in on you at the flat.
99
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,800
Who's that strange boy
living with you? What boy?
100
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:37,280
Oh, Munch. He's not living with us.
So why did he say, "The Munch Man
is here to stay, baby."
101
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,920
Oh, God!
Was he still there when you left?
102
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,000
Yeah. I didn't go in. You know
what young men are like around me.
103
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,040
Yes, frightened. Very frightened.
104
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:53,440
If you're stuck with him,
you know what to do. Thanks,
I don't need to move back home.
105
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:59,720
No, I mean send him round to me.
I could do with another pair
of hands about my person.
106
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,680
Hiya! I'm here about your
wedding dress. Yeah, come on in.
107
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,920
I don't suppose you do alterations,
do you?
108
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,240
Munch, what are you
still doing here?
109
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:50,440
- You said to make meself at home.
- Is this how you treat YOUR home?
110
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,840
God, no! My mum'd kill me!
111
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,040
Haven't you been to work?
I thought about it,
112
00:08:56,040 --> 00:09:02,320
but I found me brother's porn.
My brain can't think of this many
things at once. I was awash.
113
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,480
Gaz is going to be furious with you.
114
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,600
He won't mind. Donna!
We're soul mates.
115
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,200
That stupid bag of mambo skived...
116
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,360
Hiya!
117
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,480
What're you doing here?
Keeping her company.
118
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:20,400
I thought you'd run away,
like that dog I had. What - Eric?
119
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:27,840
Yeah, how do you know his name? He
didn't run off. Dad took him off you
and gave him to me for Christmas.
120
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:34,120
Eric, yeah. With his huge,
small eyes and his fondness
for everything humpable.
121
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,440
I wonder what happened to him.
122
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,480
I broke him.
123
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:44,120
But his neck was no bigger
than a can of pudding,
so I wasn't totally at fault.
124
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,640
Munch, listen. You can't just
leave work and hang around me flat.
125
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:52,920
Why not? I've got no real friends.
None at all? That's so sad.
126
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:56,280
No, they abandoned me.
I'm irritating.
127
00:09:56,280 --> 00:10:01,080
I don't think you're irritating.
Brilliant! What's for tea?
128
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:07,080
He's not staying for tea.
Why not? He's clingy and flaky,
like my psoriasis.
129
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,920
My mum never has any food in
on a Tuesday.
130
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,000
Security's tight in Asda midweek.
131
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:23,000
Course he'll stay. He needs feeding.
If he and Jonny stood side by side,
people'd start taking penalties.
132
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,760
Don't be emotionally blackmailed.
He won't starve!
133
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:32,720
I'll give him a quid. ..Here you
are. Don't spend it on magic
beans.magic beans? caps?
134
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,600
Oh, you're right. I'm selfish.
135
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,640
I should be a better brother.
Look out for you.
136
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:45,440
Pick you up when you're down
and stroke you when you're ill.
137
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,520
And feed you when you're hungry.
138
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:55,320
That's what it means to be
a real family. But I've never had
a real family, have I?
139
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,400
Beans on toast all right, then?
140
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,440
Belter!
141
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:11,720
Hiya!
142
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,000
Hiya. You seem happy. Did you speak
to your mum and dad? No.
143
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:26,040
I have no parents. You do. I saw
them yesterday. I don't think about
them any more, so they don't exist.
144
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:30,920
But not thinking about something
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
145
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:35,320
Like, I'm not thinking about
Lorraine Kelly, but I know...
146
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,400
Hold on,
now I am thinking about her.
147
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:42,680
All right, I'm not thinking about
cement mix, but I know...
148
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,320
Hold on,
now I am thinking about it.
149
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:52,760
I'm not thinking about
the Versailles Treaty, but I know
it exists. But now you are.
150
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,520
No, cos I don't know what it is.
151
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,000
I need you to fill out
these wedding invites.
152
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,720
These are christening invitations.
153
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:11,800
But you wanted tissue invites.
Are we getting baptised instead? I
always wanted a biscuit at church.
154
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:12,960
Why?
155
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,440
To see what Christ tastes like.
156
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,360
He tastes like rice paper, Jonny.
157
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,240
Imagine that.
158
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:27,360
I'd have thought
the Son of God would have headed
in the ginger direction.
159
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,960
Did the council call? No, why?
160
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:36,920
I applied for a quickie wedding and
I've asked for cancellations. Let's
hope someone's fiance dies soon.
161
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,320
I'm crossing my fingers on that.
162
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:46,640
Can you go out tonight? Louise
and Donna are round for a dress
fitting. Aren't you rushing things?
163
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:51,000
No. But you're all wound up
like a cat on stilts.
164
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:58,240
I'm coping. Can't you see? I can't
have a dream wedding or my dad give
me away. Watch me cope. I'm good.
165
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:05,720
You're in shock. We can get married
when your parents will support us.
166
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:12,320
Jonny, I have no parents.
I'm an orphan. It's rather a shame,
but I'm terribly chipper.
167
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:17,600
You're trying to spite them. They
may not like me, but they love you.
168
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:23,120
How many times must I say it?
You are marrying me
and it'll be friggin' marvellous!
169
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,760
I think the way I proposed
was better.
170
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,280
Yours was just rude.
171
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,520
When did you sleep with her?
Was it a full moon?
172
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:43,360
It was a year ago. It was only one
night and she was rubbish, honest.
173
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,520
I don't care if she was good.
174
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,120
Was she really, really bad?
175
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:53,560
I'm sorry, If I'd known we'd get
together, I'd never have done it.
176
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,720
David, you don't understand. What?
177
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:59,360
How many women have you slept with?
178
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:04,360
53. But about a third of them were
real minge-bags, so don't worry.
179
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,720
Oh!
180
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,400
Oh, God! Oh, God!
181
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,120
That's what they said.
182
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:17,760
Don't you get it? Why? How many men
have you slept with? Don't worry
if it's less. It is less, isn't it?
183
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,120
Course it's less! Only Dean Gaffney
has slept with more people than you!
184
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:29,000
Under ten, or you should get
a smear test. There could be
all sorts living up there.
185
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,720
But Donna, though! Ugh!
186
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,600
I thought you were different. I told
you, I'm not like that any more.
187
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,560
Oh, God! You're celibate.
188
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:45,840
You did it too much and ran out of
steam like a big Freudian sex train.
189
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,560
No, it's not that.
190
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,120
I was young and naive.
191
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:56,840
And young, naive men do sleep
around. They don't mean to.
192
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,440
They do it by accident.
It's a curse.
193
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:05,080
So you're saying
that Donna seduced you.
194
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,800
What?
195
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:11,600
She held you against your will
and it's not your fault.
196
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,800
Oh, you poor innocent thing!
I'm not saying that at all.
197
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:20,800
Poor baby! I'm here for you, David.
D'you need some milk of magnesia?
198
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:26,240
No. Look, Donna didn't seduce me.
It was a two-way thing, honestly.
199
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:31,440
She seduced you, then brainwashed
you. She's a strange and evil force.
200
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:34,280
And I think she dyes her hair.
201
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:38,360
You'll know, David.
Do the accessories match the outfit?
202
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:47,400
I like it when you shop with me.
I can buy heavy stuff, like vodka.
203
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:53,800
Why are there so many different
types of shampoo? And why do you
stare at them for ten minutes?
204
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:58,920
But you can learn so much -
how to sniff a melon or a peach.
205
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,600
I know exactly how... No, Gaz.
206
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:13,680
You only came to avoid Munch,
didn't you? Can you blame me?
He's everywhere. He's like God.
207
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,840
Aw, thanks, Gaz. Jesus! Don't
flatter me. Look what I robbed.
208
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:24,040
Put 'em away! We'll get in trouble.
They can't do you once it's robbed.
It's called double Geoffrey.
209
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,520
No...
210
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:29,080
I'm going to the pub.
Hey, can I come?
211
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,320
Oh!
212
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,680
Here...
213
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,880
What's this?
214
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,520
"Come"? Yeah.
215
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:53,960
I only got that far - it ripped.
It's an invite to Janet's wedding.
216
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,280
It's just "Come" on a tissue.
217
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:02,600
Yeah, Janet wants tissue invites so
people can wipe their teary eyes.
218
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:07,920
Who else are you inviting? Let's
see, there's you and Donna, Louise,
219
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:10,040
and, um, Munch.
220
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,760
No! No, don't invite Munch. Why
not? He seems like a nice bloke.
221
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:20,120
He isn't! He truly isn't. He's like
a leech, just there all the time.
222
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:25,480
He uses me shower, takes up Donna's
time, eats dripping over me porn!
223
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:29,960
Everyone in Rubber Sluts has got
really greasy skin now.
224
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:35,320
What's the problem? Tell him to go.
I can't. He's got no friends.
225
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,880
Aw! That's so sad!
And that's his power.
226
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,960
If he's lonely, why doesn't he
join a club or something?
227
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:50,320
Won't have him - he puts everything
he touches in his mouth. He's not
welcome in public toilets any more!
228
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,000
Gaz?
229
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,160
What?
230
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,000
You know, I've just thought...
231
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,600
I haven't got a best man yet.
232
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:09,320
I've been longing for this moment
with all me heart. Ever since
I was a boy, me dream was...
233
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:14,880
Stop it. But don't invite Munch.
Honest to God, he's so irritating!
234
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:21,240
I asked him to leave after tea
and he pretended to fall asleep.
How do you know he was pretending?
235
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:24,680
I said, "Munch, can you go now?"
And he went...
236
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:31,840
You used to like your family, Gaz.
Only cos they'd buy me things.
237
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:38,320
Munch will never buy me anything.
He'll never do anything for me,
the lazy, monkey-faced arse-wipe!
238
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:45,240
Is he behind me? No. He would be
if we were in Saved By The Bell.
239
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,040
Sorry, I was lying. He is.
240
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,280
Hiya!
241
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,000
Are you ready?
242
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,240
Da-da-da-da, da-dum!
243
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,560
Don't you look...
244
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,320
eccentric?!
245
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:16,600
Oh, give me a fag, Donna.
I need a drink. You sound like
my mum on her wedding day.
246
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,720
Tart. Did you call me a tart?
247
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,360
No. What are WE going to wear?
248
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:26,000
What? Well, we are bridesmaids,
aren't we?
249
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,720
Oh, yeah. Wear what you want.
250
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,320
Come as an egg, if you fancy.
That reminds me,
251
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,800
would you like a hen night?
Cluck-cluck!
252
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,200
Shut up, chicken tramp!
253
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,400
We'll go to pubs.
What did you call me?
254
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,120
Nothing...slag, slut, whore.
255
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,760
What's up with you, Louise?
You keep snapping at her.
256
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,800
You seduced him!
257
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,680
God, you found out.
258
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,240
Yes, I did. ..Ng!
259
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,520
Let that be a lesson to you.
What's going on?
260
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,280
Donna slept with my boyfriend.
261
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:07,480
My God! When? It was last year!
I didn't steal him off her.
262
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:13,280
He said you were rubbish.
I'll kill him!
He swore he'd never tell.
263
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,600
We've far more important things
to talk...
264
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:21,640
I snagged his bollocks on my ring.
I was tryin' to find the perineum.
265
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,320
It's a very long and bloody story.
266
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:30,320
Can we talk about my wonderful day,
not argue about some bloke?
Of course. ..Can't we, Louise?
267
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,440
Flowers?
268
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,600
Yes, let's talk about your flowers,
as the skank suggests.
269
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,280
Oi! You...weevil!
270
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:45,080
Shut up! My parents aren't talking
to me. I don't want you falling
out too. Aren't you inviting them?
271
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:49,880
Is it because your dad looks at me
in that forbidding way?
272
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,000
Ugh! No, Louise.
273
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:59,640
They've got to come, they're your
parents. I don't care. They're as
welcome as Lee Bowyer in a mosque.
274
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:06,320
Isn't it a bit soon? I've been with
Jonny longer than most marriages
last. They know that.
275
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:11,480
I've even seen his talking anus
trick. That's a solid relationship.
276
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,520
No, just give your mum and dad some
space. They'll get used to the idea.
277
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:24,160
Excuse me, Donna, you've no right
to lecture after your fearsome
grindings with my boyfriend.
278
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:29,320
I shagged David once in a time far,
far away. Now grow up and forget it.
279
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,400
Janet, she can't be your bridesmaid.
280
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,600
She's unpure.
281
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,360
And she's made my boyfriend unpure.
282
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:41,440
He's tainted by a love
that dares not speak its name...
283
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,040
beastiality.
284
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,800
Do not call me a beast.
285
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,680
Why not? It's not like
you've never smelt of dung.
286
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:57,720
And quite frankly, Donna, when was
the last time you saw your dad?
287
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:03,000
Oh, yes, he'd just come down
with foot-and-mouth, hadn't he?
288
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:10,840
Then we'll see if anyone's dropped
any kebab meat on the pavement.
289
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,440
Munch, I don't want a stag do.
290
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,840
Who said you were invited? Me
and Jonny's practically family now.
291
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,040
How's that?
Well, you're my brother.
292
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:25,640
Half! That's the important bit -
half! Like half a lager
293
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,880
or half a Scargill.
294
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:32,320
Yeah, but you're Jonny's best man,
though. Right?
295
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:37,000
So? That makes me
fall-back best man.
296
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,240
No, it doesn't. Tell him, Jonny.
297
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,120
I'm the chosen one.
You're not a friggin' Jedi.
298
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:49,160
You said I can organise the wedding
strippers. Not at weddings!
299
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,080
That's why I'm best man -
to put 'em there.
300
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:58,160
I'll be no trouble.
I'll sit behind till you faint,
then I can take over your duties.
301
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:03,040
No, you can't! You won't be there!
I'm sick of you, Munch. What?
302
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,640
But we're family.
But you're stealing me life!
303
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:13,120
You're practically moving in!
Taking my private life
like some sucky Spiderman!
304
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,840
Are you saying I can move in?
305
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:22,080
No! I'd never live with someone
who uses my shower-head
to unblock himself.
306
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:28,400
So do you hear me, Munch?
I don't want you around.
307
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,000
Gaz, you're being unfair.
He doesn't mean it.
308
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:38,680
Unfair. Thanks a lot, Jonny! Fine,
let him be your best man, but don't
blame me when he swallows the ring.
309
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:43,280
I've got a fat metabolism.
You'd have it back within 48 hours.
310
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,840
Like that Eddie Murphy film.
Doctor Doolittle?
311
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:51,440
You're not taking this seriously.
Well, no, I'm not.
312
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:56,480
We know you're best man. You should
be more tolerant of your brother.
313
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,560
All right, you have him. What?
314
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:05,600
Munch, this is your new brother.
He loves you very, very much.
315
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:10,280
I hope you're happy together. Aw,
you give me the best presents. Gaz.
316
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,760
Gaz!
317
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,240
PHONE RINGS
318
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,280
I didn't know you were so dainty.
319
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,240
I didn't think you were so butch.
320
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,000
Don't start or I'll break you,
squeaky twat-bag!
321
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,040
Don't make me use my degree.
322
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:48,560
Do you speak like that
cos of a physical complaint or cos
you've never had a good, hard shag?
323
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,960
Do you walk like that cos there's
still people trapped up there?
324
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,560
Cave Rescue's there for a reason,
Donna.
325
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,560
Shut up, you two. What's up?
326
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,600
It's the registrar.
What did they say?
327
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:10,360
Donna! What? We're having
nothing to do with this wedding.
We're going home. But...
328
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:15,600
Great! At least
you'll have a bridesmaid
who can control her flatulence.
329
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:21,280
I wouldn't stand by her anyway
in case her vagina unfroze
and she humped my leg.
330
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:25,680
I can't do it. Isn't it nice
how girls share everything?
331
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:29,000
Anyway, at least I get
to sleep with the best man.
332
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,200
Belter!
333
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,320
- What?
- I'm the best man!
334
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,760
We're going. Bye!
335
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040
It'll be all right.
336
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,600
They just need some Munch time.
337
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,840
Piss off!
338
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:55,000
You don't need her, Janet.
I'll be the best bridesmaid ever.
339
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:59,320
Mm. And I'll be a beautiful,
blushing, bastard bride.
340
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:04,200
Look, I'll go home now
and make you a nice cake.
341
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:10,680
And if I were you, I'd start
putting the pressure on Jonny now.
342
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,520
I like your dress.
343
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,200
Thanks.
344
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:34,040
Look, I know it looks bad at the
minute, but we can sort this out.
345
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:39,400
Donna and Gaz'll calm down.
Louise will be a great bridesmaid.
With a black eye?
346
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:46,360
Don't be daft. We've months left.
It'll be gone by then. At the end
of the day, only me and you matter.
347
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:49,200
Yeah, there you go. Come here.
348
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:54,120
It's all gonna be all right.
I suppose. Course it is.
349
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:59,080
Now, let's get you in that kitchen
to make me a lovely egg butty.
350
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,240
Jonny, the registrar phoned.
351
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,920
Have you got a cancellation?
352
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,120
Is it for June?
I adore June weddings.
353
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:14,280
COUGHS
I mean, actually, there isn't
really a tough month, is there?
354
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,960
Apart from funky old February.
355
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,440
No, it's not June. When, then?
356
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,800
I'm really sorry, Jonny.
357
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,920
It's tomorrow.
358
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,600
You've been standing naked
at the window again.
359
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,680
These speed bumps are better
than any sleeping policeman.
360
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:36,520
I don't wanna get married tomorrow.
361
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,960
You've no choice, unless you want
separating from your penis.
362
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:45,080
What's going on, Pete, eh?
It's freezing in those stirrups.
363
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:50,440
Who was it with, Jonny? No-one...
What? He was dressed as a woman.
364
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,080
Yes, ambulance. He's not breathing.
365
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,200
Will he die?
32276
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