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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
This programme contains adult humour
2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,280
I'm not related to you!
We're brothers.
3
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:09,200
Go home. Try not to be irritated
and bang his brains out. Shut up!
4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,640
Pervert! Look, Donna,
I was just waiting for you!
5
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:16,800
Look, Louise,
I've always remembered you. Aargh!
6
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,040
with bubbles in it
7
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handle anything stronger now
8
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DOOR OPENS
9
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,480
Hiya. Hi.
10
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,880
Why aren't you at work?
Have you got a man here?
11
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:11,400
Have you made sandwiches for other
men? Cos that's too big a betrayal.
12
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:15,240
What are you doing here? I thought
you were meeting Gaz for dinner.
13
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,000
He didn't turn up, and I wanted
to show him me pineapple.
14
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,760
You should go.
I'm doing private things.
15
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,400
And Gaz is usually so reliable.
16
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,280
Like a great big clock.
17
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,800
What private things?
18
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,320
I, um...shaving.
19
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,680
So, um...what's this, then?
20
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,320
Don't! It's a bridal magazine.
21
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,560
I was just planning the wedding.
22
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Oh, aren't you the cutest
little wifey! Let's have a look.
23
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,200
Jesus! How fit are these women!
24
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,240
Oh, Jonny! They're bridal models,
that's all.
25
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,760
I'm serious.
26
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:55,440
A bloke could have a commitment
problem if one of these turned up
on the doorstep. Give it back!
27
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,600
I only came home
so I could read it.
28
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,800
Why couldn't you read it at work?
29
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,680
Because...it's nobody else's
business, is it?
30
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:07,720
Anyway, I work in a baker's.
Pastry, Jonny, pastry.
It's a weapon.
31
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,960
Have you actually told them at work
we're getting married?
32
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,240
Yes, course I have.
33
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:18,600
Why wouldn't I? It's not as if I'm
ashamed, embarrassed or emotionally
crippled by the stress of it all.
34
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:22,400
OK, no, I haven't told them.
Why not?
35
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,200
I don't know.
Maybe I think it's private.
36
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,240
Oh! Have you told your parents?
37
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:33,280
I'm their only daughter, Jonny,
their little girl.
It's a bit scary.
38
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:40,200
I'll tell them when we get a venue
and a date and a colour scheme and
flowers and a cake and saxophonist.
39
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,760
Janet, if you don't tell
your parents, then I...
40
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,640
I-I-I might do.
41
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,560
You're the one who's supposed to,
anyway. What?
42
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:54,240
You're supposed to ask my dad for
permission for my hand and other
areas. That's what I always wanted.
43
00:02:54,240 --> 00:03:00,200
Am I? Oh, that's annoying,
considering how extremely
frightening your parents are.
44
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,440
That's what you're supposed to do.
You do something for me, then.
45
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:04,640
What?
46
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:09,760
Um...you, you... Oh, I know.
You have to write me a poem about...
47
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,200
a turtle.
48
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,480
What's the point of that?
49
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,520
I like turtles.
50
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,560
And I think I should get something
out of this marriage too.
51
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,480
OK, then, when are you going
to ask him? I'll go round tonight.
52
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,200
Oh, thank you, thank you!
53
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,760
Oh, I can't wait to marry you.
You'll do anything I want.
54
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,880
Except for weeing on you.
55
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,160
I was cold.
56
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,840
PHONE RINGS
57
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,040
Oh, my God! I'm still alive!
58
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,240
Help!
59
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,720
HELP!
60
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,520
Someone help me!
61
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,200
PHONE RINGS OFF
62
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,840
Oh, God, I'm going to have to chew
me arm off, like in that film...
63
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,640
Driving Miss Daisy.
64
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,240
HELP!
65
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:24,600
I can't believe you came all the way
back from Australia just to find me.
66
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,520
I didn't.
67
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,720
I think we all know that you did.
68
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,080
I came back to go to school.
69
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,080
I mean, at the universities
over there, you can major in soup.
70
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,520
So you decided to come and seek me.
71
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:43,160
No. I got back, I saw you,
and before you can say, "Brit girls
are easy," there you were.
72
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,000
There I was?
73
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:50,680
David! You're supposed to say
something like, you love
the colour of my hair
74
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,800
or you like the way the sunlight
catches my dazzling smile.
75
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:59,440
Why would I say that?
That just sounds a bit poofy.
76
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,720
Because, David, I'm beautiful.
77
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,440
Yes, I know.
It's obvious you're beautiful.
78
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,640
That's why I asked you out.
79
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:13,440
And I accepted going out with you as
a viable option because I could see
the potential for change.
80
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,960
You can't just change human beings.
81
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:20,000
Well, if you can't change them,
what's the point in collecting them?
82
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,760
You collect people? Of course!
83
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,840
Only yesterday,
the postman became an ally.
84
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:32,360
He used to ignore me, but I answered
the door in my Mr Men nightie
and pow! He's changed overnight.
85
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,760
Where are you going? I'm going home.
86
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,840
Are you going home
to change your T-shirt?
87
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,920
No, you're mental.
I'll call you, OK?
88
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:48,280
You can't do this to me -
I get away with murder!
89
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:49,800
Aargh!
90
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,160
Aaargh!
91
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,320
Aaargh!
92
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,440
That's never happened before.
93
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:10,720
HELP!
94
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,280
Mr Wilkinson!
95
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,160
Munch! Oh, thank God!
96
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,000
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
97
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,520
Ha-ha-ha!
98
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:26,880
Munch, help me. I've been trapped
here all night. I've got a ruptured
bowel or these pants are shrinking.
99
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,400
It's not funny! I'm stuck!
100
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,720
Ha-ha!
101
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:38,120
Hold on a minute. You didn't do
this for me, did you, Mr Wilkinson?
102
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,760
Course not, you're me brother!
103
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:46,600
Oh, that's all right, then. Ha-ha!
What are you doing here, anyway?
104
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:50,640
Dad sent me, sir.
You didn't come to work and
you're not answering your phone.
105
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:55,440
I said you might have got stuck on
the bog. I've done it six times.
It's suction.
106
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,800
It's the power of science.
107
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,400
Munch...just get me out of these
handcuffs!
108
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,720
I can't touch you. Not like that!
109
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,320
Why not?
110
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,560
It's incest.
111
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,720
Oh, look! Your chest hair's growing
the same as mine. D'you wanna see?
112
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,560
No, I don't. Does half your pubes
grow straight, as well?
113
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,040
What?
114
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,800
Mine do. I'm a medical wonder.
115
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,960
Boss, are you in? Oh, bollocks!
116
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Did you do this for him? Is he your
secret life partner, Mr Wilkinson?
117
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,400
Aargh! Aaargh!
118
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,240
Who are you? And what are you doing
to Gaz? It's homoerotic!
119
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,760
I never did it. And anyway,
I'm his brother, so I've got more
right to see his muckiness.
120
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,960
Why are you trussed up like this?
In front of your brother as well?
121
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,440
You told me to. I didn't tell you
to do this!
122
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:49,600
You did. You said you were getting
Janet patches to stop her smoking,
so I should get Donna sex aids.
123
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,680
Why are you dressed in your grandma
suit?
124
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,760
Is your grannie a transvestite?
125
00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:01,840
No, I've got to wear this to go to
Janet's mum's later to ask her dad
for her hand in marriage.
126
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,320
I thought you might want to come to
the pub. I need some Dutch courage.
127
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:09,480
Yeah, I'd absolutely love to come to
the pub. Hold on, do you think I'm a
bit over-dressed?
128
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:14,000
I was thinking that as well. D'you
think this looks a bit twee?
129
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,760
I think you look lovely.
130
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:22,600
Will someone get me out of here?!
Fine, all right. Where's the keys?
131
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,240
Jonny. Yes, Gaz?
132
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,800
The keys would be in my very small,
very warm pants.
133
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,400
You're his brother.
134
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,120
No, that makes it ten times worse.
At least you could say you were
experimenting.
135
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:46,280
I experiment with compasses, beasts
and sugary snacks, not with other
men's parts.
136
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,480
We'll toss for it.
137
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,680
RUNNING WATER >
138
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,480
Wow! I've got the biggest widgy
in our family.
139
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,960
Go, Munch!
140
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,720
I've never really thought seriously
about suicide before.
141
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,720
Phew!
142
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,400
Jonny, you're still here, then.
143
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,000
I'll just be going out for a bit.
144
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,600
It'll be easier next time.
145
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,000
David!
146
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,800
Aargh! David!
147
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,080
Aargh!
148
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,280
Aargh!
149
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,680
David?
150
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,000
David!
151
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,200
Where are you going?
I just said, I'm going home.
152
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,560
That's not how you play the game.
153
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,560
I don't play games, Louise.
154
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,320
You've got to.
155
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,600
Ah!
156
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,960
I know what you're doing.
157
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,800
Yes, I'm going home.
158
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,880
You're playing hard to get.
OK, I can do this.
159
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:14,520
Oh, please come back, David!
Please, I can't live without you!
160
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,000
I just want to get to know you.
I don't like games.
161
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,600
Fine, OK.
162
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:24,200
Let's play the game where we ask
awkward questions for a while.
163
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,720
Fine.
164
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:30,680
I'll play. Because I do actually
really like you.
165
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,840
So, what music do you like?
166
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,400
You're a cheeky, cheeky boy!
167
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,480
That was weird.
168
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,480
D'you have any pets?
169
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,560
Ah, you'd just love to know that,
wouldn't you?
170
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,560
Well, yes, that is the point of
asking a question.
171
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:54,880
Ow!
172
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,840
Why would you punch me?
173
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,360
You're so silly!
174
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,640
Ow! I'm not. That hurt.
175
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,600
Can you not see this is wrong?
You can't go round hitting people.
176
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,560
David, I can.
177
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,400
Where are you going?
178
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,200
Home. I'll see you around.
179
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,840
You can't leave me!
180
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,640
You've got to walk me home. It's a
dangerous world for a girl like me.
181
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,360
It bloody isn't!
182
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,160
Mum? Yes, Picklewig?
183
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:32,200
D'you remember when you and Dad
first got together? Vaguely.
184
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,480
He goosed me in the queue for
the bar at the Traveller's Rest.
185
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,000
We ended the night across
the bonnet of a Fiat Panda.
186
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,480
Did Dad ever ask you to do anything
you were uncomfortable with?
187
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,240
Of course he did. But don't worry,
it'll shrink back up in a hot bath.
188
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,200
I'm worried about Gaz.
189
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,360
Is that why you crept in so late
last night? I thought you were a
burglar.
190
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,920
So why did you confront me naked?
Force of habit.
191
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:02,360
We haven't had sex for a few days.
Not since I moved in. Why not?
192
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:08,400
Are you sickening for something?
No, just been too busy,
but I wanted to last night...
193
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,440
except I came home...
And he was with another woman.
194
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,800
I knew this would happen. No.
195
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,920
He was on the bed.
Well, that's good for a start.
196
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,560
And...
197
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:29,720
Where are you going? I'm not seeing
whipped cream go to waste.
Come back here!
198
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,760
Janet?
199
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,400
Louise, I'm really busy.
I'm poeterising.
200
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,000
Yeah, anyway...Janet?
201
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,560
You know David? Yes, what about him?
202
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:52,560
He's mature,
and not in a cheese way.
203
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,320
No.
204
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,080
Can you think of any turtle icons?
205
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,880
Other than Touche. Love his work.
206
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,840
No.
207
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:10,440
David's horrible. He won't
be manipulated. He won't let me
change him. He's too mature.
208
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,440
He's like old Playdough.
209
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,880
Only I wouldn't eat David.
210
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,240
Well, dump him, then.
..Oh, inspiration!
211
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,400
Touche away
But were you secretly gay?
212
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,440
But I can't dump him. I love him.
213
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:39,360
Listen, David's nice. He's just
a bloke and you'll find most blokes
don't like playing games.
214
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,640
A turtle is hard on the outside
But chewy in the middle like...
215
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,600
a big bogey.
216
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,360
But I punched him and everything.
217
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,800
And they don't like being punched.
Especially by little incy women.
218
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,040
No, Janet, punching's flirting.
219
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:59,200
Oh, then Cheryl Gascoigne should be
bloody grateful.
220
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,440
But I had it all figured out.
I thought punching's what you did.
221
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:07,800
Grow up, Louise! Can't you see
I'm busy? I can't grow up.
222
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:12,080
I'm like the ever-youthful Lulu
featured in Heat magazine.
223
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,160
Only I don't need to go...
224
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,480
..all the damn time.
225
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:23,760
Just try talking to David like
you talk to me. About your life,
your plans. Ask about his.
226
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,880
And then punch him?
227
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,560
No, just try and be a grown-up.
228
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,920
Well, that's difficult!
229
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:34,640
Relationships are. You won't
keep him if you act immature.
230
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,680
I'll lose him?
231
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,560
Like I lost that donkey?
232
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,480
Yes. You have to be grown-up.
233
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:47,040
Now, give me a line to follow...
A turtle's head is great because...
234
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,360
He gave me the fright of my life!
235
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,440
All PVC and whipped cream -
he looked like a masochistic trifle.
236
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,480
If it makes him happy,
maybe you should give it a go.
237
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:05,600
And if you don't like it, you say,
"Brian, you're giving me a
chilblain or some other codeword."
238
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,960
What do you mean, codeword?
239
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,200
You really don't know how to live,
do you?
240
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:16,720
If you want to tie someone up or be
spanked, but don't like it, you use
a special word to make them stop.
241
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,160
What, like "kangaroo"?
242
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,120
No, a word not connected with sex.
243
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:27,320
What's a kangaroo got to do with
sex? Don't ask. I still can't
look your Uncle Joey in the eye.
244
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,640
It's no good, Gaz.
I can't look at you.
245
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,600
There was just too much...pinkness.
246
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,840
For God's sake! I'M over it.
247
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:50,800
Just think of it as another stepping
stone to becoming a real man. Yes.
248
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,920
I do believe it's in that Kipling
poem, If.
249
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:59,000
If you can pick some cream soap
bondage keys from your PVC-clad
friend's pubic hair...
250
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,120
then you'll be a man, my son.
251
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,720
It wasn't that bad.
At least I'd shaved down there.
252
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:09,560
Oh! I've touched your shaven John
Craven. It makes me guts lurch.
253
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,040
Let's talk about ladies' boobies.
That'll cheer you up. No.
254
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,440
Come on. No. Ladies' bobblies?
255
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,680
Bosoms.
256
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:29,680
Isn't bosom such a bad word? It's
so unlike the thing it describes.
257
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,920
What would you call a bosom?
258
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:37,640
You know, in an ideal world,
cos tits don't really say it either.
259
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,600
Tits, tits, tits. Sounds sharp.
260
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,440
Yeah, and breasts.
It sounds slippy.
261
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,800
You know, breasts...
262
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,360
Yeah. I'd call 'em, er...
263
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,560
..lubberdubs.
264
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,440
Lubberdub-dub.
265
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,880
I'd call 'em, er...
266
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,440
Gaz-pots.
267
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,160
Yeah. Yeah.
268
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,640
Look, I shouldn't be sitting here
thinking about lubberdubs.
269
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,800
I've got to see my future in-laws.
I've got to concentrate. What if
they get angry and throw me out?
270
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:16,480
Who could get angry with that little
face? I'm serious, Gaz. These people
really hate me.
271
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:22,360
At Christmas, they have this Santa
and when I walk past it, it shouts
abuse at me. What does it shout?
272
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:26,600
It goes like, "Ho-ho-ho!"
all gangsta-rapper like.
273
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,640
You're just being stupid.
274
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,400
I'm not.
I don't know what I can do.
275
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:37,040
Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny,
my huckleberry friend.
276
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:41,840
What does that mean? You know when
you won the toss to get my keys?
277
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,760
I lost the toss, LOST, Gaz!
278
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:49,080
Whatever. You just did it. You know,
grabbed the bull by his horn...
279
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:56,440
..so to speak. So what? That's
like doing anything unpleasant,
like cleaning the toilet.
280
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:01,520
You might not want to, but you just
have to grab Janet's toothbrush
and scrub with all your heart.
281
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:07,160
Do that with Janet's mum and dad.
Get it over with, like when I copped
off with bald Shirley for a bet.
282
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,480
Just ploughed in and thought of
Duncan Goodhew.
283
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:15,000
You're right. The sooner I do it,
the sooner it'll be done. Nice one.
284
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:19,640
Right. That's it, then.
I'm going to seal my future.
285
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:25,600
I'm going to take on the parents
and win my woman. I'll crush
their icy hearts with this look.
286
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,200
It works for me.
287
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:37,200
I'll say to him, "I'm marrying
your daughter and not you or any
stinking thing will stop me...
288
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,400
"please...
289
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:45,200
"..sir?" If that don't work, just
stick your hand down their drawers.
You've got a lovely touch.
290
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,320
I wish Jonny'd come back. He's
probably still out celebrating.
291
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:58,240
Oh, well, it gives me chance to
think of an end line for this poem.
292
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,800
What about...
293
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:05,680
.."And it was all a dream"?
Brilliant.
294
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,600
D'you think they'll take him
to the pub?
295
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,760
No, I suspect they'll be discussing
my dowry over primrose wine, lardy
cakes and a game of backgammon.
296
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,880
Will Jonny be wearing his favourite
cravat and dancing a jaunty Jim?
297
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:25,520
I haven't heard from Gaz. I hope
he's all right. Did you not even
have an inkling he was into S&M?
298
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:31,880
I should have known. I've seen
photos of him when he was little.
That's when it all starts. So what?
299
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:36,880
He always had those mittens that
tie together through your coat.
300
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:41,880
You should try it. Just once, a bit
of tiesy-uppy, whippy, chainy stuff.
301
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,800
Calling it baby names doesn't
make it sound any less dirty.
302
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,080
I think you should give it a go.
303
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,320
I had to wear a tool-belt
for Jonny's pleasure for a while.
304
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,520
Maybe you're right.
305
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:59,440
Maybe he did it to surprise me. If
that's his thing, I'll try it once.
306
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,640
If I hate it, I'll just tell him.
I'll use a codeword - kangaroo.
307
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,280
OK, Chinchilla.
308
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:12,640
Gaz is a nice bloke. He'll
understand if you don't like it.
I think you'll enjoy it, though.
309
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:18,040
Well, I did wear a bin bag once,
just to see if I looked good in it.
310
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,560
That was actually quite fun.
What was in the bin bag?
311
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:26,000
Just me. ..Oh, and some chicken
skin. That was the best bit.
312
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:31,560
Donna, you're obviously twice the
perv that Gaz is. You could probably
teach him a thing or two.
313
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:38,400
Just say if you feel uncomfortable
or he wants to use gravel. Was Jonny
OK when you chucked the tool-belt?
314
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:43,680
He cried, to be honest.
It set off this adult baby thing.
Don't like that either.
315
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,960
Especially nappy-changing time. Ooh!
316
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,880
Go on, then, read us your poem. OK.
317
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,880
To Jonny, The Turtle,
by Janet Smith, poeteress.
318
00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,920
Jonny, you're like my turtle
And being married to you
will be turtle-tastic!
319
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,280
You have a hard shell
and are often scaly
320
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,720
But the best thing is how long
turtles last
321
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:14,360
It's ages, like, and that's
just what our marriage will be -
long and very happy, like a turtle.
322
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,920
And...?
323
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,600
It was all a dream.
Oh, yes, of course.
324
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,240
Phwoar! Come on!
325
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,280
You can do anything.
326
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,080
Like a panda.
327
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:34,840
Pandas can't do anything.
They can't juggle or go to Aldi.
328
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,320
This panda can.
329
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,600
Grrr!
330
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:47,320
Listen, before you go, I need to ask
you, is Janet up for that
rudey-dirtbag stuff in bed?
331
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,840
Oh, um...she's weird is Janet.
332
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:56,680
She'll do anything. Things
even I find disgusting. That's why
I'm marrying her. What like?
333
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:03,800
She does things with a cucumber
you wouldn't believe. Yeah?
334
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,240
Oh, yeah.
335
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:11,600
I came in once, right,
she was lying on the bed, right,
with cucumber slices on her eyes,
336
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,840
mud on her face and a towel
round her head - she's pure dirt!
337
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:26,640
So, d'you think Donna should loosen
up a bit? Be more experimental?
338
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,440
Well, don't push it,
cos you could scare her off.
339
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,240
Just introduce things gradually
as you go along, like me tonight.
340
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:38,720
I won't ask Janet's parents
straightaway,
I'll do the foreplay first.
341
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,960
I'll nibble their metaphorical
nipples, m'lud, then I'll pounce...
342
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,240
like a panda.
343
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:02,720
Louise? I wasn't expecting you.
I'm working at the minute.
344
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:08,840
No, don't invite me in. This meeting
was neither arranged, nor confirmed,
nor double-confirmed, nor blah.
345
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,840
Why are you doing a dad voice?
346
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:19,000
I, Louise Susannah Brookes,
girlfriend of you, David, er...
what's your middle name?
347
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:24,480
Gideon. Not laughing.
..Of you, David Gideon Fish,
348
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:29,600
hereby decree that from this day
to and inclusive of this date
and pursuant of said parties,
349
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:34,560
amicable wishes, that I will neither
play or be playant of the games
and/or gaming tactics
350
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:39,680
employed by both sexes in accordance
with the laws set by herself,
Mother Nature.
351
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,360
You wanna play sex games?
352
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:48,840
In conclusion, I will try with
the power of God to be pleasant and
mature to the best of my abilities
353
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:53,720
in all dealings with lovely
boyfriend, if he'll give me
another chance.
354
00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:00,640
D'you wanna come in?
I've got nice coffee. Yeah...! Oh.
355
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,160
That would be most acceptable.
Stop talking like that now. OK.
356
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,320
And like that.
357
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,200
Ow!
358
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,680
Aaargh!
359
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,520
People do this for fun! Weirdoes!
360
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,800
Mind you, live and let live.
I suppose I do eat stock cubes.
361
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,840
DOOR CLOSES
Donna!
362
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,840
Who dares enter the lair
of the Donnanatrix?!
363
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:08,400
On your knees, you worm, you've been
a bad, bad boy and I'm gonna punish
you with my dirty sex-whip.
364
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:13,840
And if you don't like it, all you
have to do is say "kangaroo".
365
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,120
Huh-huh!
366
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,600
Huh-huh-huh!
367
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,680
I love my new family.
368
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,200
Kangaroo.
369
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:47,040
Ah, my suitor returns.
Come, come. Listen to this.
370
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,760
To Jonny, The Turtle,
by Janet Smith.
371
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:53,600
Oh, I don't care about that
any more. I like jackals now.
372
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,480
Aw! Have you been drinking
dirty beer with my dirty parents?
373
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:02,760
Not quite. So what happened?
Were they pleased to see you?
Did they stroke you?
374
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:09,360
They've never seen me without you
before. They were scared you'd been
run over. I didn't think of that!
375
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:13,400
So they were relieved that you were
OK, then they shut the door again.
376
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,880
Oh. Yeah, so I knocked again
and I asked for Pete. Who's Pete?
377
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,800
He's your dad, Janet.
378
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:24,400
Oh. Well, I don't know. He's never
formally introduced himself, has he?
379
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,920
Anyway, Pete was in the back yard
fixing his mountain bike.
380
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:31,760
Dad's got a mountain bike? Are you
sure you went to the right house?
381
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:36,600
Look, I went to Pete Waterman's
house. He said my range was OK,
but my dancing kills him.
382
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,720
Sorry, carry on.
383
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:42,160
Well, I got down on one knee
and I took his hand...
384
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:46,600
Jonny, you do that when you propose,
not to see the father of the bride.
385
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,240
Well, I know that now, don't I?
386
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:50,680
OK, and...
387
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:56,960
I said, "Pete, I love your daughter
more than anything in this world.
388
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:04,000
"She completes me and I can only
truly complete her if you answer me
this most profound of questions.
389
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,400
"Will you give me the
privilege...?" It's so romantic!
Shut up, gobby!
390
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,720
"Will you give me the privilege of
your daughter's hand in marriage?"
391
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,360
Brilliant! That's just what I'd have
told you to say.
392
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:17,880
That IS what you told me to say.
393
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:24,560
Were they excited? Did they open
some wine or beer? Did he give you
a Christmas cigar? Not exactly.
394
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,480
What, then? He said no.
395
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:35,120
I've applied for a quickie wedding
certificate and any cancellations.
396
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,920
I haven't got a best man yet.
397
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,200
Da-da-da-dah!
398
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,960
So you're saying
that Donna seduced you?
399
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,080
Do you speak like that from
a physical complaint or cos you've
never had a good, hard shag.
400
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,360
You're stealing me life!
401
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,400
You're marrying me
whether you like it or not!
402
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,960
We're having nothing to do with
this wedding! I'm the best man!
34520
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