Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

I'm not related to you! We're brothers.

Go home. Try not to be irritated and bang his brains out. Shut up!

Pervert! Look, Donna, I was just waiting for you!

Look, Louise, I've always remembered you. Aargh!

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

DOOR OPENS

Hiya. Hi.

Why aren't you at work? Have you got a man here?

Have you made sandwiches for other men? Cos that's too big a betrayal.

What are you doing here? I thought you were meeting Gaz for dinner.

He didn't turn up, and I wanted to show him me pineapple.

You should go. I'm doing private things.

And Gaz is usually so reliable.

Like a great big clock.

What private things?

I, um...shaving.

So, um...what's this, then?

Don't! It's a bridal magazine.

I was just planning the wedding.

Oh, aren't you the cutest little wifey! Let's have a look.

Jesus! How fit are these women!

Oh, Jonny! They're bridal models, that's all.

I'm serious.

A bloke could have a commitment problem if one of these turned up on the doorstep. Give it back!

I only came home so I could read it.

Why couldn't you read it at work?

Because...it's nobody else's business, is it?

Anyway, I work in a baker's. Pastry, Jonny, pastry. It's a weapon.

Have you actually told them at work we're getting married?

Yes, course I have.

Why wouldn't I? It's not as if I'm ashamed, embarrassed or emotionally crippled by the stress of it all.

OK, no, I haven't told them. Why not?

I don't know. Maybe I think it's private.

Oh! Have you told your parents?

I'm their only daughter, Jonny, their little girl. It's a bit scary.

I'll tell them when we get a venue and a date and a colour scheme and flowers and a cake and saxophonist.

Janet, if you don't tell your parents, then I...

I-I-I might do.

You're the one who's supposed to, anyway. What?

You're supposed to ask my dad for permission for my hand and other areas. That's what I always wanted.

Am I? Oh, that's annoying, considering how extremely frightening your parents are.

That's what you're supposed to do. You do something for me, then.

What?

Um...you, you... Oh, I know. You have to write me a poem about...

a turtle.

What's the point of that?

I like turtles.

And I think I should get something out of this marriage too.

OK, then, when are you going to ask him? I'll go round tonight.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

Oh, I can't wait to marry you. You'll do anything I want.

Except for weeing on you.

I was cold.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, my God! I'm still alive!

Help!

HELP!

Someone help me!

PHONE RINGS OFF

Oh, God, I'm going to have to chew me arm off, like in that film...

Driving Miss Daisy.

HELP!

I can't believe you came all the way back from Australia just to find me.

I didn't.

I think we all know that you did.

I came back to go to school.

I mean, at the universities over there, you can major in soup.

So you decided to come and seek me.

No. I got back, I saw you, and before you can say, "Brit girls are easy," there you were.

There I was?

David! You're supposed to say something like, you love the colour of my hair

or you like the way the sunlight catches my dazzling smile.

Why would I say that? That just sounds a bit poofy.

Because, David, I'm beautiful.

Yes, I know. It's obvious you're beautiful.

That's why I asked you out.

And I accepted going out with you as a viable option because I could see the potential for change.

You can't just change human beings.

Well, if you can't change them, what's the point in collecting them?

You collect people? Of course!

Only yesterday, the postman became an ally.

He used to ignore me, but I answered the door in my Mr Men nightie and pow! He's changed overnight.

Where are you going? I'm going home.

Are you going home to change your T-shirt?

No, you're mental. I'll call you, OK?

You can't do this to me - I get away with murder!

Aargh!

Aaargh!

Aaargh!

That's never happened before.

HELP!

Mr Wilkinson!

Munch! Oh, thank God!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Munch, help me. I've been trapped here all night. I've got a ruptured bowel or these pants are shrinking.

It's not funny! I'm stuck!

Ha-ha!

Hold on a minute. You didn't do this for me, did you, Mr Wilkinson?

Course not, you're me brother!

Oh, that's all right, then. Ha-ha! What are you doing here, anyway?

Dad sent me, sir. You didn't come to work and you're not answering your phone.

I said you might have got stuck on the bog. I've done it six times. It's suction.

It's the power of science.

Munch...just get me out of these handcuffs!

I can't touch you. Not like that!

Why not?

It's incest.

Oh, look! Your chest hair's growing the same as mine. D'you wanna see?

No, I don't. Does half your pubes grow straight, as well?

What?

Mine do. I'm a medical wonder.

Boss, are you in? Oh, bollocks!

Did you do this for him? Is he your secret life partner, Mr Wilkinson?

Aargh! Aaargh!

Who are you? And what are you doing to Gaz? It's homoerotic!

I never did it. And anyway, I'm his brother, so I've got more right to see his muckiness.

Why are you trussed up like this? In front of your brother as well?

You told me to. I didn't tell you to do this!

You did. You said you were getting Janet patches to stop her smoking, so I should get Donna sex aids.

Why are you dressed in your grandma suit?

Is your grannie a transvestite?

No, I've got to wear this to go to Janet's mum's later to ask her dad for her hand in marriage.

I thought you might want to come to the pub. I need some Dutch courage.

Yeah, I'd absolutely love to come to the pub. Hold on, do you think I'm a bit over-dressed?

I was thinking that as well. D'you think this looks a bit twee?

I think you look lovely.

Will someone get me out of here?! Fine, all right. Where's the keys?

Jonny. Yes, Gaz?

The keys would be in my very small, very warm pants.

You're his brother.

No, that makes it ten times worse. At least you could say you were experimenting.

I experiment with compasses, beasts and sugary snacks, not with other men's parts.

We'll toss for it.

RUNNING WATER >

Wow! I've got the biggest widgy in our family.

Go, Munch!

I've never really thought seriously about suicide before.

Phew!

Jonny, you're still here, then.

I'll just be going out for a bit.

It'll be easier next time.

David!

Aargh! David!

Aargh!

Aargh!

David?

David!

Where are you going? I just said, I'm going home.

That's not how you play the game.

I don't play games, Louise.

You've got to.

Ah!

I know what you're doing.

Yes, I'm going home.

You're playing hard to get. OK, I can do this.

Oh, please come back, David! Please, I can't live without you!

I just want to get to know you. I don't like games.

Fine, OK.

Let's play the game where we ask awkward questions for a while.

Fine.

I'll play. Because I do actually really like you.

So, what music do you like?

You're a cheeky, cheeky boy!

That was weird.

D'you have any pets?

Ah, you'd just love to know that, wouldn't you?

Well, yes, that is the point of asking a question.

Ow!

Why would you punch me?

You're so silly!

Ow! I'm not. That hurt.

Can you not see this is wrong? You can't go round hitting people.

David, I can.

Where are you going?

Home. I'll see you around.

You can't leave me!

You've got to walk me home. It's a dangerous world for a girl like me.

It bloody isn't!

Mum? Yes, Picklewig?

D'you remember when you and Dad first got together? Vaguely.

He goosed me in the queue for the bar at the Traveller's Rest.

We ended the night across the bonnet of a Fiat Panda.

Did Dad ever ask you to do anything you were uncomfortable with?

Of course he did. But don't worry, it'll shrink back up in a hot bath.

I'm worried about Gaz.

Is that why you crept in so late last night? I thought you were a burglar.

So why did you confront me naked? Force of habit.

We haven't had sex for a few days. Not since I moved in. Why not?

Are you sickening for something? No, just been too busy, but I wanted to last night...

except I came home... And he was with another woman.

I knew this would happen. No.

He was on the bed. Well, that's good for a start.

And...

Where are you going? I'm not seeing whipped cream go to waste. Come back here!

Janet?

Louise, I'm really busy. I'm poeterising.

Yeah, anyway...Janet?

You know David? Yes, what about him?

He's mature, and not in a cheese way.

No.

Can you think of any turtle icons?

Other than Touche. Love his work.

No.

David's horrible. He won't be manipulated. He won't let me change him. He's too mature.

He's like old Playdough.

Only I wouldn't eat David.

Well, dump him, then. ..Oh, inspiration!

Touche away But were you secretly gay?

But I can't dump him. I love him.

Listen, David's nice. He's just a bloke and you'll find most blokes don't like playing games.

A turtle is hard on the outside But chewy in the middle like...

a big bogey.

But I punched him and everything.

And they don't like being punched. Especially by little incy women.

No, Janet, punching's flirting.

Oh, then Cheryl Gascoigne should be bloody grateful.

But I had it all figured out. I thought punching's what you did.

Grow up, Louise! Can't you see I'm busy? I can't grow up.

I'm like the ever-youthful Lulu featured in Heat magazine.

Only I don't need to go...

..all the damn time.

Just try talking to David like you talk to me. About your life, your plans. Ask about his.

And then punch him?

No, just try and be a grown-up.

Well, that's difficult!

Relationships are. You won't keep him if you act immature.

I'll lose him?

Like I lost that donkey?

Yes. You have to be grown-up.

Now, give me a line to follow... A turtle's head is great because...

He gave me the fright of my life!

All PVC and whipped cream - he looked like a masochistic trifle.

If it makes him happy, maybe you should give it a go.

And if you don't like it, you say, "Brian, you're giving me a chilblain or some other codeword."

What do you mean, codeword?

You really don't know how to live, do you?

If you want to tie someone up or be spanked, but don't like it, you use a special word to make them stop.

What, like "kangaroo"?

No, a word not connected with sex.

What's a kangaroo got to do with sex? Don't ask. I still can't look your Uncle Joey in the eye.

It's no good, Gaz. I can't look at you.

There was just too much...pinkness.

For God's sake! I'M over it.

Just think of it as another stepping stone to becoming a real man. Yes.

I do believe it's in that Kipling poem, If.

If you can pick some cream soap bondage keys from your PVC-clad friend's pubic hair...

then you'll be a man, my son.

It wasn't that bad. At least I'd shaved down there.

Oh! I've touched your shaven John Craven. It makes me guts lurch.

Let's talk about ladies' boobies. That'll cheer you up. No.

Come on. No. Ladies' bobblies?

Bosoms.

Isn't bosom such a bad word? It's so unlike the thing it describes.

What would you call a bosom?

You know, in an ideal world, cos tits don't really say it either.

Tits, tits, tits. Sounds sharp.

Yeah, and breasts. It sounds slippy.

You know, breasts...

Yeah. I'd call 'em, er...

..lubberdubs.

Lubberdub-dub.

I'd call 'em, er...

Gaz-pots.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I shouldn't be sitting here thinking about lubberdubs.

I've got to see my future in-laws. I've got to concentrate. What if they get angry and throw me out?

Who could get angry with that little face? I'm serious, Gaz. These people really hate me.

At Christmas, they have this Santa and when I walk past it, it shouts abuse at me. What does it shout?

It goes like, "Ho-ho-ho!" all gangsta-rapper like.

You're just being stupid.

I'm not. I don't know what I can do.

Oh, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, my huckleberry friend.

What does that mean? You know when you won the toss to get my keys?

I lost the toss, LOST, Gaz!

Whatever. You just did it. You know, grabbed the bull by his horn...

..so to speak. So what? That's like doing anything unpleasant, like cleaning the toilet.

You might not want to, but you just have to grab Janet's toothbrush and scrub with all your heart.

Do that with Janet's mum and dad. Get it over with, like when I copped off with bald Shirley for a bet.

Just ploughed in and thought of Duncan Goodhew.

You're right. The sooner I do it, the sooner it'll be done. Nice one.

Right. That's it, then. I'm going to seal my future.

I'm going to take on the parents and win my woman. I'll crush their icy hearts with this look.

It works for me.

I'll say to him, "I'm marrying your daughter and not you or any stinking thing will stop me...

"please...

"..sir?" If that don't work, just stick your hand down their drawers. You've got a lovely touch.

I wish Jonny'd come back. He's probably still out celebrating.

Oh, well, it gives me chance to think of an end line for this poem.

What about...

.."And it was all a dream"? Brilliant.

D'you think they'll take him to the pub?

No, I suspect they'll be discussing my dowry over primrose wine, lardy cakes and a game of backgammon.

Will Jonny be wearing his favourite cravat and dancing a jaunty Jim?

I haven't heard from Gaz. I hope he's all right. Did you not even have an inkling he was into S&M?

I should have known. I've seen photos of him when he was little. That's when it all starts. So what?

He always had those mittens that tie together through your coat.

You should try it. Just once, a bit of tiesy-uppy, whippy, chainy stuff.

Calling it baby names doesn't make it sound any less dirty.

I think you should give it a go.

I had to wear a tool-belt for Jonny's pleasure for a while.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe he did it to surprise me. If that's his thing, I'll try it once.

If I hate it, I'll just tell him. I'll use a codeword - kangaroo.

OK, Chinchilla.

Gaz is a nice bloke. He'll understand if you don't like it. I think you'll enjoy it, though.

Well, I did wear a bin bag once, just to see if I looked good in it.

That was actually quite fun. What was in the bin bag?

Just me. ..Oh, and some chicken skin. That was the best bit.

Donna, you're obviously twice the perv that Gaz is. You could probably teach him a thing or two.

Just say if you feel uncomfortable or he wants to use gravel. Was Jonny OK when you chucked the tool-belt?

He cried, to be honest. It set off this adult baby thing. Don't like that either.

Especially nappy-changing time. Ooh!

Go on, then, read us your poem. OK.

To Jonny, The Turtle, by Janet Smith, poeteress.

Jonny, you're like my turtle And being married to you will be turtle-tastic!

You have a hard shell and are often scaly

But the best thing is how long turtles last

It's ages, like, and that's just what our marriage will be - long and very happy, like a turtle.

And...?

It was all a dream. Oh, yes, of course.

Phwoar! Come on!

You can do anything.

Like a panda.

Pandas can't do anything. They can't juggle or go to Aldi.

This panda can.

Grrr!

Listen, before you go, I need to ask you, is Janet up for that rudey-dirtbag stuff in bed?

Oh, um...she's weird is Janet.

She'll do anything. Things even I find disgusting. That's why I'm marrying her. What like?

She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe. Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I came in once, right, she was lying on the bed, right, with cucumber slices on her eyes,

mud on her face and a towel round her head - she's pure dirt!

So, d'you think Donna should loosen up a bit? Be more experimental?

Well, don't push it, cos you could scare her off.

Just introduce things gradually as you go along, like me tonight.

I won't ask Janet's parents straightaway, I'll do the foreplay first.

I'll nibble their metaphorical nipples, m'lud, then I'll pounce...

like a panda.

Louise? I wasn't expecting you. I'm working at the minute.

No, don't invite me in. This meeting was neither arranged, nor confirmed, nor double-confirmed, nor blah.

Why are you doing a dad voice?

I, Louise Susannah Brookes, girlfriend of you, David, er... what's your middle name?

Gideon. Not laughing. ..Of you, David Gideon Fish,

hereby decree that from this day to and inclusive of this date and pursuant of said parties,

amicable wishes, that I will neither play or be playant of the games and/or gaming tactics

employed by both sexes in accordance with the laws set by herself, Mother Nature.

You wanna play sex games?

In conclusion, I will try with the power of God to be pleasant and mature to the best of my abilities

in all dealings with lovely boyfriend, if he'll give me another chance.

D'you wanna come in? I've got nice coffee. Yeah...! Oh.

That would be most acceptable. Stop talking like that now. OK.

And like that.

Ow!

Aaargh!

People do this for fun! Weirdoes!

Mind you, live and let live. I suppose I do eat stock cubes.

DOOR CLOSES Donna!

Who dares enter the lair of the Donnanatrix?!

On your knees, you worm, you've been a bad, bad boy and I'm gonna punish you with my dirty sex-whip.

And if you don't like it, all you have to do is say "kangaroo".

Huh-huh!

Huh-huh-huh!

I love my new family.

Kangaroo.

Ah, my suitor returns. Come, come. Listen to this.

To Jonny, The Turtle, by Janet Smith.

Oh, I don't care about that any more. I like jackals now.

Aw! Have you been drinking dirty beer with my dirty parents?

Not quite. So what happened? Were they pleased to see you? Did they stroke you?

They've never seen me without you before. They were scared you'd been run over. I didn't think of that!

So they were relieved that you were OK, then they shut the door again.

Oh. Yeah, so I knocked again and I asked for Pete. Who's Pete?

He's your dad, Janet.

Oh. Well, I don't know. He's never formally introduced himself, has he?

Anyway, Pete was in the back yard fixing his mountain bike.

Dad's got a mountain bike? Are you sure you went to the right house?

Look, I went to Pete Waterman's house. He said my range was OK, but my dancing kills him.

Sorry, carry on.

Well, I got down on one knee and I took his hand...

Jonny, you do that when you propose, not to see the father of the bride.

Well, I know that now, don't I?

OK, and...

I said, "Pete, I love your daughter more than anything in this world.

"She completes me and I can only truly complete her if you answer me this most profound of questions.

"Will you give me the privilege...?" It's so romantic! Shut up, gobby!

"Will you give me the privilege of your daughter's hand in marriage?"

Brilliant! That's just what I'd have told you to say.

That IS what you told me to say.

Were they excited? Did they open some wine or beer? Did he give you a Christmas cigar? Not exactly.

What, then? He said no.

I've applied for a quickie wedding certificate and any cancellations.

I haven't got a best man yet.

Da-da-da-dah!

So you're saying that Donna seduced you?

Do you speak like that from a physical complaint or cos you've never had a good, hard shag.

You're stealing me life!

You're marrying me whether you like it or not!

We're having nothing to do with this wedding! I'm the best man!