Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Kissing some bloke does not make me a prozzie! You're being horrible

and if you won't talk to me, I'm leaving

to find someone who WILL talk to me.

Hi. Look, before you say anything,

I'm only here to see if you'll let me spend the night.

Janet? Oh, it's just you.

I know where she's gone and who she's sleeping with.

All right, Louise? Perverts!

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger

What's that? It's a cup of tea.

In that cup? Yeah. Why? Well, Janet always makes me tea in my jelly babies mug.

Well, Janet always wakes up with you. All change. It was cold in bed.

Aw... No-one to snuggle up to?

No, it's not that. I got so drunk I pissed the bed.

I couldn't be bothered flipping the mattress. It was cold and clammy.

You slept in your own filth?

I'm single now. It's what we do.

I never did that. But you're a girl. Girls have to be clean and precise.

I bet if you pissed the bed, you'd take a shower.

I would have scrubbed till you could see my arteries, Jonny.

Now you've left Gaz... I only lived with him for six hours.

He said I was harder to live with than an erection at a funeral.

I just wanted him to accept me. Now he'll go back to living in squalor.

I bet he's in his skiddy pants, picking his arse.

He won't deteriorate that quickly.

Great shower. Yeah, you could tell you liked it from what I saw. What?

There's no lock on the door. I wedged it shut with towels.

Towels, yeah. Those great defenders.

You came in? I needed to have a dump.

Gaz! You could have waited or knocked!

There's a fatal flaw in that plan.

What's that? I'd have never got to see your knocks. Gaz, you pervert! How dare you?

You can see me naked, if you want. No, Gaz! Keep the pants on!

In fact, put some more clothes on, please. I will if you phone Jonny.

Why should I? He doesn't know where you are. He thinks you're with Andy.

Well, let him. Pants coming off! All right! OK, OK!

I won't phone him. I'll go round.

Gaz... You want me to take 'em off now, don't you?

No! I was...wondering if you'd come with me.

Why? I don't know what to say. I don't know if we've got a future.

I can't. Why not?

I've got to find Donna, and I need to have a wank.

Donna will be at her mum's.

What did you fight about? We made a list - living with each other, what we wanted to change.

Where's the list you made?

I'm using it as a footstool.

Gaz! How big was Donna's list?

That's the problem. What?

Look at me. I'm just too perfect.

Talk to her. I don't know where she is. Should I stand in the street with a megaphone,

shouting, "Janet! Janet!" People will ask me why I'm selling Janet. It's pretty obvious where she is.

I know. I don't know his address. I do.

Talk to Andy. I can't go there.

You can. But what if he answers the door? "Excuse me, Mister, can I have my girlfriend back, please?"

You're a coward if you don't.

Why should I get her back? If I act huffy and she runs to him, I'm not sure if I want her.

Huffy? From what you said last night, you were acting - in the words of Oscar Wilde - like a complete twat.

I wanted to get revenge on her.

When is revenge a good idea? Never, but it makes me feel better than a big...rabbit.

Jonny... What? Do you want me to come with you to Andy's? That'd be a great help, yeah.

I hide in the bushes. You knock on his door. When he answers - bang!

I shoot him in the head.

You haven't got a gun. I thought you might have one.

I can't knock on the door for you. I can lend moral support.

But what if he answers? His mum might answer.

He lives with his mum? Hah-hah! I don't.

KNOCK Come!

Hello, Flo. How are you?

Gary! You look worn out. Sit down.

Would you like a massage? That's kind. But no, it's all right.

How about some sex? What?!

Just joking. God, you're easy. I'll make tea.

You know, it's strange seeing you without Donna.

Were you drawn to me? It can happen.

I was in Kendal's in Manchester and this man wouldn't stop following me.

His eyes were everywhere.

He was a store detective and you got arrested. That girl's got such a gob on her. Where is she, then?

Why ask me? You should know. Why? She came here last night after our tiff.

She never did! How much Blue Bols did I drink last night?

So you've not seen her?

Not a peep. Where else would she go?

Gary...

what was this tiff about?

Oh, just about me being too perfect.

Oh...

And during this tiff, you exposed her imperfections?

Yeah, of course. My God, Gary, what have you done?

What? What?

My Donna is a sensitive flower.

One cruel remark, we could be back to the aardvark of fire incident.

No, no, it wasn't that bad...

What aardvark of fire incident?

You don't want to know, but if you did you'd never go to Knowsley safari park again.

I'm sure she's all right.

You haven't seen her all night. You've lost my daughter!

Not all night. How long?

Well, some of the night. An hour.

In fact, she rolled off the bed for a minute. Nothing to worry about.

I'm phoning the police. There's something odd about you. No! I can't believe I've killed my girlfriend.

I swore there would be no more killing after Shirley.

No, no. It was my exploding frog.

Hi, love. It's me.

Job done. Yeah, he thinks you're dead.

He's feeling guiltier than a Catholic with a carrot up him.

Why are you making me sit here? It's freezing. I don't know.

I'm single again. I should do things I did when I was single.

We only sat here drinking because we couldn't get into pubs.

I can't remember what else I did.

Well, we read the problem pages in the magazines, and the horoscopes.

And we lusted after Brian Harvey from East 17. God, we were sick!

Read me my horoscope, then. Crabby crabster...

Oh, my God! What? It says, "You will have conflict with a partner over a person from your past."

Really? And, "You must act now to avoid further conflict."

Honest? What does yours say? Taurus.

"You will comfort a friend in need. Don't let her man troubles interfere with your heavy work schedule."

God, this is spooky. You don't have a heavy work schedule.

I've a 500-word essay due in a year.

That horoscope stuff's a load of bollocks, anyway. I don't think so.

It even says you need to take a look in the mirror. Do I? Yeah. You have bacon bits in your teeth.

I'll prove that horoscopes are pure fact. I'll look at yours and Jonny's star signs and see what went wrong.

Other than you slagging it up behind his back.

Mum?

Mum! Donna...

you live in a palace.

Oh!

You've got a zester! I've always wanted one.

I'll just find my address book and then we can go. Donna?

You've brought me a present.

What? He's on the skinny side, but I bet he's got stamina.

That's Jonny - Janet's boyfriend.

You're taken?

Oh, well. Never mind.

Tell me, Jonny, have you ever experienced an older woman?

What the hell are you?

Floella Henshaw, Donna's mother. I know - we look like sisters.

Have you ever experienced sisters?

Donna, is she all right? She has a crazed look in her eye.

I like Gary better. My address book?

It's upstairs on the landing by the phone. Has Gaz been back since?

No, but he'll know not to mess with the Henshaw women again.

You didn't go too far? No. Course of Prozac, couple of years' intensive counselling, he'll be right as rain.

Sit down, Jonny.

I-I-I think I might stay here.

Or...or go outside.

Sit, Jonny!

I like your, um...

I like your lino.

It's cool. Thank you.

Mrs Henshaw... Yes, love? Could you take your hand off my crotch?

I didn't realise I was doing it.

I've never felt fear like this before, so I'm going to move away.

Scared of women? From what I felt, you couldn't satisfy a mouse's ear anyway.

Got it. Thanks, Mum.

Come again, love. We have had such a lovely chat. Bring more young men to see me.

Mum, you're daft. She's teasing, Jonny. She is a deviant. Thank you!

Is he a big lad? Depends on what you mean by big. Big compared to you,

or big compared to a kidney bean?

A kidney bean. Oh, he's massive.

OK, me. Oh, he's massive.

Could I take him? Just don't go in there all cocky. Be polite.

If he gives you the look, just run. The look? I've got a look. OK.

See?

I wouldn't do that. You look backward.

I'm gonna barge in there and demand to know where my girlfriend is. OK.

DING-DONG

What? I'm not going in. I'm frightened. Ssh!

Hello?

Is there anybody there?

Oi, mate.

Did you just ring my doorbell? Um...yes. Yes, I did.

And, um... And then the...

the wind...blew me back...

here behind this...wall...there.

What can I help you with? Nothing. Bye.

Ow!

All right? Yeah. A scabby mongrel bit me.

Hold on a minute. You're Jonny.

Yes, actually. Yes, I am.

Janet's boyfriend. Give her back, give her back, give her back!

You know, don't you? What do I know?

That you're a girlfriend-stealing twat who snogs other people's girlfriends cos he's a twat? Yeah.

I know. You've got my woman in your castle of lust.

You've been feeding her... phallic strawberries and such.

You've got a lot to worry about if you think strawberries are phallic. Well, give her back, give her back.

She's not here. I wish she was. I wish you were dead. Neither's true.

Have a look for yourself. I'm not falling for that one. You'll kick me and beat me...and bind my feet.

I'm a lover, not a fighter, Jonny.

Now there's no way I'm coming in there.

Who's that?

Hello. And what are YOU doing behind my wall?

I dropped my Toffee Crisp wrap.

I collect them.

Jonny!

He's not here. How do you know?

Because it says in my horoscope that Cancerian men are elusive.

OK, where is he, then? Well, let's see.

Girlfriend snogs other man. Girlfriend runs off with other man.

Girlfriend spends the afternoon with mate getting pissed. Mmm...

Cancerian men are very sensitive.

I'd say he's topped himself.

Louise! He'd never do that. He hates the sight of blood.

You don't have to slit your wrists to kill yourself. He could have jumped off the bridge.

No, he hates it when people do that. He always shouts for 'em to jump.

He could have taken pills. We don't have any. We've got Evening Primrose capsules, but they won't kill you.

No, but he'd grow great breasts.

I suppose he could've hung himself. God, why did I just say that?

Have you got that image in your head now? Jonny swinging in a barn,

his bloated tongue lolling,

boggly eyeballs rolled up. Louise!

You'll never be able to get rid of that image now, even if he IS alive. That's how you'll picture him.

One day the image drives you insane and you recreate it for real in a disused warehouse.

Oh, my God, I feel sick.

What if something HAS happened to him, Louise? Oh, bollocks! When did I last tell him I loved him?

We've got to find him. He might be looking for you. Do you think? No, he's dead.

Oh, God! I feel so stupid. Jonny was right to be upset with me. I should have sat it out till he calmed down.

Donna! You seen Donna? No. You seen Jonny?

A double suicide! Donna's mum seems to think I pushed her over the edge.

Over the edge of where? Did you kill Jonny, too? No, you scary, well-groomed thing.

Over the edge of insanity. Do you know about the aardvark of fire incident?

No. It's something they never talk about.

What - like the grandad euthanasia incident in my family?

Louise, you're scaring us. Go home.

OK. What's your star sign, Gaz?

Aries. It's an anagram of "raise",

as in "raise-ing" to the occasion.

No, Gaz, you RISE to the occasion.

I certainly do.

And what was Donna's star sign?

Dunno.

I don't know how old Donna is.

Christ, man, she could be 30!

Taurus, Louise, same as you.

Taurus and Aries, eh?

This could spell...

disaster.

There's something very wrong with that girl. Come on, Gaz, what are we gonna do?

I'm so scared. My boyfriend's vanished. Your girlfriend's vanished. We're all alone.

Yep. We're all alone.

Alone and horny.

Gaz, I just want to find Jonny and apologise. I'm certainly not horny.

You haven't done it for three days. That's a long time in your book.

What book? The book of sex.

You disgust me. I'd rather sleep with a syphilitic goat.

You're insatiable. Gaz, concentrate.

I'm really worried. I need to find Jonny. Where might they be?

Canada?

What? I don't know. I'm worried.

You tried to shag me a minute ago. Men can detach themselves from emotions for a quickie.

Jonny doesn't. Yes, well... he's got homosexual tendencies.

Maybe they're in the pub. Good idea. Let's go.

You just want a pint.

Good idea. Let's go.

Come on.

What's that? Just a painting I'm working on.

Oh, my God!

Look at this jewellery. It's like... billions of pounds waiting for me to steal. Yeah. Don't.

Anyway, it's mostly costume jewellery.

Except for this. It's gorgeous.

"Gorgeous"

My grandmother's wedding ring. She pawned it to come here from Ireland.

My grandfather spent years tracking it down. It's inscribed.

"From Mo Mo to Pigsy, with love."

So romantic. "So romantic" Let me see.

Stop it. Anyway, Janet isn't here, Jonny.

"Janet isn't here, Jonny"

I don't talk like that. I wish you did.

You wouldn't steal people's girlfriends.

You'd just go, "Hello, my name is Andy and I love you"

I never stole Janet. You stole her off me, remember? No.

She were going out with me when she met you. That's true.

She said to me when we split up that she'd met someone else,

and this time it were true love.

Mate...are you all right?

I'll be fine.

Is that hanky your granny's as well?

I knew I couldn't keep her. She were too precious, too special.

She could swallow a banana without chewing. Can't buy class like that.

I know, mate. Andy, stop crying. Stop.

I can't. Group hug?

Let's not. OK.

You've seen she's not here. Nobody could steal Janet off you, Jonny. You're the love of her life.

Now go and find her, yeah?

So you're saying she's not here? No!

And she doesn't love you? No! Now get out of my house!

You're creating dust.

I knew you'd be here.

Was it in the stars, Louise?

No, I just followed the smell of stale fags and bed-sweat.

Seen Jonny or Donna? No, but I have studied your charts and I can tell you exactly what's going to happen.

Bad news? I've had enough of that.

Then you're in luck. You and Jonny... Yeah?

..are going to split up. You're going to marry the gay one from Hear'Say,

and come shopping to Sainsbury's with me. And Jonny?

Well, if Jonny isn't dead, he's going to go on tour with Debbie McGee's Ballet Imaginaire,

pierce himself all over and marry a Croatian lapdancer in Wigan.

Are me and Donna gonna be together?

No, Gaz.

You're going to get...fat.

That's it?

That's what the stars say. I've blown it with Donna, haven't I? I've blown it with Jonny, too.

I meet the girl of my dreams

and I screw it up over a bloody list of things I could change in myself.

I feel really bad.

I got the love of my life hating me over a stupid, lager-breathed kiss.

What are we going to do? We've ruined it all.

If we could fix it, you and Donna could go back to being a rubbish couple. Me and Jonny could... Hello.

Agh! Jonny, where have you been?

I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, too.

We thought you were dead. I've really missed you. I have.

All right. Let's go back to normal.

I looked everywhere - even in my soul. Tosser!

What's going on? Stop! You're disobeying the stars.

Louise, forget about it. You can't.

Let's just stop thinking and start drinking. You're so clever, making "thinking" and "drinking" rhyme!

Useless, all of you! Not one of you acted like the stars said you would.

Louise, get a life. Yes. We're happy.

Get your own relationship to mess with. Fine! I'll find someone else to hang around with.

My new friend won't use Dairylea as a sex aid...Janet.

Well, there's something very wrong with that girl.

Yeah. Yeah.

DING-DONG

Oh. Louise.

Well, hello, Andy.

Prrrrrrrrrr...

Did you two make lists?

Yes. "Buy Sugar Puffs and marshmallows."

No, things that you needed from each other. Those WERE the things we needed from each other.

Gaz's list was pretty huge.

I'm going to make him eat it till he's pissing ink.

Look what I've got for you! What's this? It's just summat I thought of to add to my list.

No more demands, no more lists.

Summat I want you to do. If this says "anal sex"... Just read it.

"Don't change."

Oh, Gaz... You can have the keys to my bottom whenever you want.

Why are you still standing? I've got the keys to your bottom. Come on.

They didn't finish their drinks. Would YOU? You would! You have to be well lubricated.

Janet, you know the most amazing things. That is why I love you.

I love you, too. Oh, Janet... Yes?

Can I ask you a question? For the last time, Andy didn't touch your missiles of jubbly. It's not that.

It's just...

Janet...

Oh, my God! Will you marry me?

Jonny, it's beautiful!

Who the fuck are Mo Mo and Pigsy?

in your lo-o-o-ove

Keep me drowning in your love

Baby, I can't help it

And every time I try to rise above