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00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,040
This programme contains adult humour
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00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,520
I've heard that "Listen, Janet" line
before and I know where it leads...
3
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:14,760
Burying my dog is more important
than you being unfaithful!
4
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:19,800
She's right. Come on, Louise,
let's take care of this first.
5
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:05,440
That everything? Yeah, from Mum's.
My clothes are at Janet and Jon's.
6
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:13,400
Mum's got my collection of bulbous
fruit. You collect them, as well?!
Amazing! Where do you keep yours?
7
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I don't because it's sad.
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We'll have to establish
some ground rules. You can't bring
handicapped fruit into the house!
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00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:27,880
I don't want rules to live by. I pay
half the rent. I can do what I want.
10
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,040
Don't you think that's selfish?
..Yeah.
11
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Don't you think that also
gives me licence to do
what I like? I suppose so.
12
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I'm capable of far more disgusting
things than you. You do wipe your
knob on the curtains after sex.
13
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So life will be easier for us both
if there's a bit of give and take.
14
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:55,320
I won't bring the fruit
if you stop the crusty curtains act.
15
00:01:55,320 --> 00:02:02,040
Donna, that's just the beginning.
What else? I'm perfect
to live with in every other way.
16
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:08,800
You smoke! It's part of who I am -
it's in my blood. And in your hair
and in your clothes. You stink!
17
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:12,360
You smell like a big rancid pond.
18
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,360
At least I know how I'm gonna die.
19
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:23,200
Don't smoke in the flat. Not even
in the bathroom? No! If I've had
curry, we could end up in Wigan!
20
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:27,640
I'll go out on the fire escape
to smoke. Good.
21
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:33,280
Compromise is good.
We're a good couple. As long
as you go out there to fart.
22
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,800
You can't ask me to do that!
It'll take the fun out of it!
23
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:45,000
What about in winter? It'd freeze
on its way out! I'd have an icicle
stuck out me arse! It would melt.
24
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:49,840
The neighbours downstairs
would think I was a bloody weirdo!
25
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,600
This is getting us nowhere.
I've got an idea. What?
26
00:02:54,600 --> 00:03:01,840
We'll each write a list. What kind
of list? Like a list of demands -
annoying habits we want rid of.
27
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,480
Won't it highlight the flaws
in our relationship?
28
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:11,240
We'll see which ones we agree on.
And the others, we compromise on.
29
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:15,880
From that little acorn, a mighty
oak of a relationship will grow.
30
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:20,440
Gaz... Yeah? You been reading
my Woman's Own?
31
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,240
Well, it's them cover stories!
32
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:30,280
"Mother and daughter together at
last." "My breasts are trying to
kill me." I thought it was porn!
33
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:43,680
I know you're awake. You're not
breathing like a rhinoceros.
34
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,120
Jonny, can we talk about this?
35
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:51,960
You shagged an ex-boyfriend while
I was dying. What else is there?
36
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:58,160
Unless you have more secrets.
Have you buggered a baby seal
with a dinorod recently?!
37
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:03,400
I wasn't shagging my ex-boyfriend.
You were being much more public!
38
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:09,440
Just shoved your tongue down his
throat in front of my best mate!
Classy! It wasn't like that!
39
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:14,720
He shoved his tongue down
MY throat! All is forgiven!
Let's go to the Mardi Gras!
40
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,360
You weren't dying -
you had stomach flu.
41
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:24,640
And you had to find someone else!
Are you that insatiable you can't
go without it for 5 minutes?
42
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:31,280
Jonny, please... You must be
in heat. What are you up to today?
Baring your arse to lorry drivers?
43
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:35,840
Or will you nip to Tesco's
and hump a trolley dolly?
44
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:42,320
Let's talk about this, can we?
No, drink your tea.
Try not to orgasm all over it.
45
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:47,040
Jonny, please! Just listen!
We need to talk it through!
46
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,080
Can't. I've got another
pointless job interview
47
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:55,440
where I'll be passed over
for some arsehole with a Saab.
48
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:58,520
It's a Lexus. What?
49
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,200
He's got a Lexus.
50
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:08,040
I'm sorry, Janet, I might be
mistaken, but did you
just kick me in the bollocks?
51
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:14,680
Cos that's how it felt! I'm sorry.
Honestly, I am! Sorry you cheated
on me or sorry I found out?
52
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:20,120
Both! You wouldn't have found out.
It wouldn't have happened again.
53
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:24,920
Not unless I was drunk. You were
drunkThat's why it happened?
54
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:30,000
Yes! Yes, I was drunk and I thought
he was YOU! A rich version of you!
55
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,680
So you'll never touch
another drink? No.
56
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:38,320
Not even a half of cold Stella
on a hot summer's day?
57
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:44,120
The gentle breeze
blowing through your hair and,
as you lift it to your lips...
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00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:48,560
you'll say...
"No, no, for I am Janet.
59
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:53,040
"I will not drink this filth as it
turns me into a big, filthy tart!"
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00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,720
OK! OK, I wasn't drunk.
61
00:05:55,720 --> 00:06:02,360
So you fancied him and thought
you'd throw away three years
with me for a pathetic snog! No!
62
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:09,000
You're right, it was pathetic.
It didn't mean anything! He didn't
even feel my bum! ..I'm going out.
63
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,360
Please just wait a minute!
64
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,680
I've gotta think. I don't know
what to do. See you later.
65
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:20,680
Don't try and kiss me! I'd rather
kiss a salty old condom!
66
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:35,000
MOBILE PHONE PLAYS
"COUNTDOWN" THEME
67
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,920
Boooo!
68
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,560
Janet, what do you want?
69
00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:44,600
I'm working really hard
trying to look busy.
70
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,240
Oh, that Jonny business!
71
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,760
That was just too funny!
72
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,720
Don't call me a haemorrhoid!
73
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:57,560
Well, I can't come over.
I told you, I'm busy.
74
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:01,080
HYSTERICAL WAILING
Janet...
75
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:05,600
..stop shouting,
you're in a library!
76
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:14,560
Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!
77
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,000
What was that noise?
78
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:23,800
I was just clearing my throat.
Nothing to be concerned about,
love, I'm not dying. Not yet.
79
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:30,160
- What are you talking about?
- Most parents die when
their children fly the roost.
80
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,760
I could be on my way out.
You've still got two kids here.
81
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:39,800
They don't count!
They lead their own lives.
I rely on you for company.
82
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,240
Sat there, smoking your pipe,
watching Emmerdale.
83
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,240
I've never smoked a pipe.
You're thinking of Granddad.
84
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,440
Happen I am. You're very similar.
85
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,680
Mum, I'm not like Granddad.
86
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,800
He's 70 years old, he hates women,
and he's dead.
87
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:02,680
Maybe, love, maybe. But loneliness
does strange things to a woman.
88
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,800
You can talk to Gran.
89
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:11,600
I don't wanna hang round with
my flamin' mother! It's too sad
for words! That's what YOU do!
90
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:16,040
Get the rest of your stuff,
love? Yes, Donna, you go.
91
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:20,280
Enjoy your youth while you can
cos when it's gone, it's gone.
92
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,040
I'll just sit here and rot.
93
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,720
Get a hobby, join a group.
94
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:30,400
Those friendship groups are full
of one-eyed freaks called Colin.
95
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:35,800
Go to church. They've got loads of
events - Christmas...and Easter.
96
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,600
They've probably got loads more
since I last went.
97
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,760
These yours? What's in them?
98
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,960
They'll be full of large pants
and dildos.
99
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:52,560
I don't own sex toys. Aw, I put
that on my list! That I wasn't
allowed any? Which ones to bring!
100
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:57,720
What's this about
a list? We're making a list
of demands. It won't work!
101
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:02,400
- Why not?
- His will be blow jobs,
yours'll be hoovering.
102
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:09,040
You're obsessed with suction!
You can't make demands
on each other.
103
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:15,200
You have to sort of drift
through a relationship...
compromising on the way.
104
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,080
If we set down the rules,
we'll never argue.
105
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:23,360
We'll have nothing to argue about.
If we disagree, we check the list.
106
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:27,080
- So...say it's Sunday morning.
- Right.
107
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,880
And Gary has been out
on Saturday night. Of course.
108
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,280
Not every Saturday night.
Yes, of course.
109
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:41,080
I thought we could go
to the pictures sometimes.
What for?! To see a film?!
110
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,720
No, to spit at the old
and infirm
111
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:50,760
My Saturdays are my Saturdays!
You can't take them away!
I can if I write it on the list.
112
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,360
I wrote it first!
113
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,760
No, you didn't! Look at that!
114
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,960
Gaz, that says "Mmm pff nff gff."
115
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:04,400
It's shorthand. You don't know
shorthand! I make it up, stupid!
116
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,440
And so it begins!
117
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,960
Think Jonny's going to dump you?
Would you? In an instant.
118
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,440
Look at the state of you!
119
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,840
I'm a mess, aren't I? Jonny's
never gonna want me back.
120
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:28,120
Cheer up, Janet, there's plenty
more freaks in the circus.
121
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,960
Louise, you're supposed
to be helping me!
122
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:38,920
Jonny wouldn't know about Andy if
it wasn't for you and your big fat
gob! I do not have a big fat gob!
123
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,880
I have delicate bee-stung lips!
Louise, you're not helping!
124
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:49,920
You should thank me! I might have
saved you from a life of squalor!
We don't live in squalor.
125
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:54,560
Janet, most people's carpets
aren't made of food.
126
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:58,400
Can't you see what'll happen?
Course I can!
127
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:04,640
You and Jonny will break up, then
you can hang around me - fetching
me things and buying me gifts.
128
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,080
My life will be complete.
It's perfect!
129
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,120
No, Louise, if Jonny breaks up
with me, Gaz'll take his side.
130
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:17,120
Donna will take Gaz's side because
I can't shag her in the same way.
131
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:23,560
You'll have to take my side
and we won't see them any more
and my world will fall apart.
132
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:30,320
I can't be YOUR friend cos you
split us up in the first place!
This is awful...in a bad way!
133
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:34,360
I know. That's why I've gotta
get Jonny back!
134
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:39,600
Well, that, and the fact that...
I love him.
135
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:44,840
This is so unfair. Why did I have
to tell him? I don't know.
136
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,200
Maybe it's because, deep down,
I don't really like you.
137
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:56,000
And, if you and Jonny break up,
I won't have to see you again.
138
00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,040
Really? Don't worry, Janet,
I'll get you back together!
139
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:05,560
Then we can go back to pretending
to like each other again!
140
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,400
Pint, please. All right, Jon?
141
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:19,440
Brilliant. My girlfriend's
snogging other blokes, I've had
the worst interview of my life,
142
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,960
and I've lost one of my shoes.
143
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:28,320
Life couldn't get better. No!
Hold on, here comes a fat bloke
called Barry to sit on my face!
144
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:36,520
How have you lost a shoe?
I threw it at a small child. Why?
145
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,960
Cos it was looking at me funny.
Donna's all moved in!
146
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:47,240
I'm celebrating. Shouldn't
you celebrate together? She's
celebrating by making my tea!
147
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:54,520
What are you having? Dunno.
I imagine it'll be a pie
of some sort. Can I come?
148
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,600
Things still not great?
149
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:02,160
What would YOU do,
if you caught your girlfriend
playing the...sex violin...
150
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,400
..with someone else's...bow?
151
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:10,720
You didn't catch her, I did. ..Did
she look like she was enjoying it?
152
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:14,760
I'm not gonna tell you!
So she was enjoying it.
153
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,520
How can I tell that?
Was she...smiling?
154
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,680
While she was kissing? ..I don't
think so. She'd chip her teeth.
155
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:28,560
Did she look like she was really
into him? They were kissing!
156
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:33,080
For a long time?
Not by MY standards! Oh, God!
157
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,520
I do remember one thing. Yeah?
She pulled away from him. And?
158
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,280
And then she vomited. Did she?
159
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,720
Yeah. Then she went "Ughhh!"
really loudly.
160
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,000
What did he do then? He went...
161
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,440
.."Well, that's how the mummy bird
feeds the chicks."
162
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,000
I was nearly believing you then.
163
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,560
It was the chicks that did it,
wasn't it?
164
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,680
Would you dump Donna? Like a shot!
165
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:14,160
Really? Yeah, but I've got more
chance of getting a girlfriend.
Yeah, true.
166
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,000
So should I just...forgive her?
167
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:22,200
Let it strain through my memory
like a pan of infidelity stew?
168
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:28,000
You can't forget some bloke's
hands all over her! You never
said his hands were all over her!
169
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:32,760
I didn't mean... Just her top half.
What, over her tits?! They're mine!
170
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,200
More like her back. Not her back,
just the back of her head.
171
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:44,080
He had both his hands on the back
of her head?! He had small hands.
I'm never gonna get over this.
172
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,920
Why, Jonny?! Why, why, why?!
Louise, what is up with you?
173
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:55,160
This is the end of everything,
everything I've come to rely on,
everything I need to be stable.
174
00:14:55,160 --> 00:15:01,200
This is you stable? It's nothing
to do with you, it's between me
and Janet. Don't be so selfish!
175
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,520
Think how it'll affect ME!
How? It don't affect me!
176
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:10,160
Oh, but it will. Donna's
Janet's best friend. So?
177
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:16,600
So she'll take HER side and you'll
take Jonny's, then the cracks will
show and you'll split up, as well.
178
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:21,200
Then you'd avoid each other,
then you'd all get new partners.
179
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,320
Well, except for you, Jonny. Hey!
180
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:29,360
When I'd meet you in the street,
I'd have to do this face
181
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,440
cos I'd pity you
and I don't like feeling pity.
182
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:37,360
Pity is for the weak...
and the ugly.
183
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:41,240
So really this is all
about YOU. Obviously.
184
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:45,560
That's incredibly selfish.
Obviously.
185
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:49,320
You're not a complete dickhead.
I know.
186
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:56,200
You've given me an idea. One where
we can all stay together and Jonny
gets to do everything his own way.
187
00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:01,240
You'll forgive her? I knew it would
188
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,680
Tell Donna to shove THAT
up her arse!
189
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,320
I do all the time. It never works.
190
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,120
Laters!
191
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,080
So what's your idea, then?
192
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,320
How was Janet
when you left her today?
193
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:24,920
Um...pretty bad, I guess. I
think she'd been crying, but she's
always snotty-eyed in the morning.
194
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:29,560
She'd do anything to make herself
feel better. Yeah, I would.
195
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,320
I'd buy myself a lovely big cake.
196
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:37,200
You see how it can work for you?
I can get her to buy me a cake?
197
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:41,520
You can get her to do anything!
Cos it'd make her feel better?
198
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:45,360
Exactly! And I wouldn't have
to do anything? Yep!
199
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:50,360
She could be my slave! I could
get her to walk around naked!
200
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,200
Can I come?
201
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:57,600
No, mate, I don't think
she'd like... Yes! Yes, you can!
202
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,040
I'll show her!
203
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:07,280
See? Everything works out with
a little petty-minded vengeance.
And I can still have that cake.
204
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,600
How was your interview?
205
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:31,440
It was fine.
Do you think you got the job?
206
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,520
Can you get me a can? Yeah, course.
207
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,840
I didn't want this one.
208
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:57,080
Oh, did you want a soft drink?
Sorry. No...I wanted a Stella.
Just not this one. OK.
209
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,080
Is that one any better?
210
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,160
We'll see.
211
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,520
No.
212
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:34,960
I made lasagne. I want egg butties.
They're my favourite. You know that.
213
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:42,320
We'd no eggs. I thought you'd like
a hot meal. I put in extra garlic
in case anyone wanted to snog me.
214
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:48,520
I want egg butties. That's
all I could possibly eat.
OK...I'll go to the shop.
215
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:54,520
Don't go yet. I've run you a bath.
I peeled the mould off the towels.
216
00:18:54,520 --> 00:19:01,600
Well done. It'll be cold now
so you'll have to draw me
a fresh one. OK, in a minute.
217
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,240
Can we have a chat first?
218
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:11,760
Janet, till my mood is made better
by some act of God, I don't really
want to speak to you at all!
219
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,520
Not at all? Shh!
220
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:20,480
Now you may go to the shop...
221
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:27,920
..and, while you're gone,
I'm going to watch loads of rude
ladies dancing on the telly! Ha!
222
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,160
What are you writing?
223
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,360
I'm aware of
how pleasing eggs are.
224
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:38,240
No, it's for the shopkeeper!
225
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,960
Did I say you could talk?
Jonny, you can't stop me talking.
226
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:49,400
I can make you do anything until
I've forgiven you! Denis Thatcher
made his missus run the country!
227
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,840
The least you can do is shut up!
I don't want to.
228
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,240
Don't you want to please me?
229
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,720
Of course! But I'm not gonna shut
up till you decide you're happy!
230
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:06,840
We've got to talk this
through. Well, maybe I don't want
to talk, maybe I want to watch...
231
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,040
..the Power Puff Girls!
232
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,080
Yes, let's see what they're up to.
233
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:16,000
I don't wanna be around you
when you're like this!
234
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:22,800
I don't want to be around you
when you're a big old, slappy
whore! That's right, a whore!
235
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:28,320
A whore? Kissing some bloke once
does not make me a prossie!
236
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,360
I can't do this any more!
You're being horrible!
237
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:38,880
If you're not gonna talk
to me, I'm leaving...to find
someone who will talk to me!
238
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,320
SHE SOBS
239
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,880
She's gone to get eggs.
240
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,040
GORILLAZ
241
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:14,560
for long/ The future's coming on
242
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,760
TURNS DOWN MUSIC
All right? Where's your list?
243
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:26,920
You first. I'm embarrassed! A list
of demands - it's like I'm telling
you what I don't like about you.
244
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,360
We're mature.
No such thing as a perfect couple.
245
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:36,120
Apart from Chris Evans and
Billie. Sat in a pub getting
pissed with an 18-year-old!
246
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:42,160
It's standard stuff.
Should I just say it? Ready to be
insulted. Give it your best shot.
247
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,440
I don't want you bringing
girls back.
248
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,000
..Not a problem.
249
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:53,560
Not even if you say you found them
and they followed you home. ..OK.
250
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:59,400
Clean the bathroom after you've used
it. Plugs unblocked, sinks rinsed.
251
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:06,400
More like cleaning the pebbledash
off the back of the toilet. Don't
tell me it's art. OK, what else?
252
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:11,920
I want our home to be clean.
If you put away your personal
stuff, I'll do the housework.
253
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,880
I love you!
254
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:20,640
In addition to all other sexual
duties, you will agree to three
sessions of oral sex per week.
255
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,080
I love you!
256
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,720
For me, Gaz, not for you.
257
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,520
All right. That sounds
reasonable. What else?
258
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:36,360
That's about it. Split all bills
and cost-of-living equally.
259
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:41,400
OK, thanks. So what about your list
or did I cover everything in mine?
260
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,600
Not quite.
261
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,280
It doesn't take this long
to get eggs.
262
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:04,680
OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS
Where have you been?
263
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,960
Where's Janet? Oh...um...
264
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:12,440
She went to talk to someone.
I thought she was with you.
265
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,800
No. I need to talk to her.
266
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:20,360
Then if she's not with you,
she's with... Oh, bollocks!
267
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:25,760
Double bollocks. Yeah,
that's usually how they come.
268
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,920
Do you think she's with Andy?
Nnnngggh!
269
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:35,080
You didn't let me finish...
Nnnnn-nnnnghhh! What do you
want to see her for?
270
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,160
Nothing.
271
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:43,760
I'll go. I'll go back to Mum's.
She can't have changed my room
into a Tantric sex temple yet.
272
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:50,160
Stay for a bit. You can crash here
if you want. You want a beer? Yes.
273
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:56,160
Do you really think she's coming
back? Donna, how many times
do I have to say "Nnnghhh!"
274
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,480
Hi.
275
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:08,520
Look, before you say anything,
I'm only here to see if you'll
let me spend the night.
276
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:14,760
Somewhere to put my head down
while me and Jonny get sorted.
I don't want anything funny...
277
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,000
Will you help me?
278
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,440
Shall we call the police?
Nah, she'll be all right.
279
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,760
She'll just be
in a ditch somewhere...asleep.
280
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,840
Or with Andy. Gosh, Donna,
you truly are a supreme help
281
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:41,360
Why'd she go off, anyway? Cos I'm
horrible and I don't have a Lexus.
282
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,600
Gaz is the really horrible one.
283
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:50,240
Made this massive list of demands
on me. What like?
284
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:55,160
I have to speak in a Japanese
accent on Wednesdays... Why?
285
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,360
No idea.
I think he went a bit power mad.
286
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:03,960
What else? I have to refer to him
always as "Grand Master Ramrod".
287
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,680
That's unreasonable. Exactly.
288
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,920
I can't grow extra limbs so I've
no idea what Rule 38 was about.
289
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:23,360
I did the same. Made demands
on Janet. Now she's left me.
290
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:29,120
I can't believe she got off with
Andy. I'm really angry with her.
I know.
291
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:35,840
It's made me question
everything. We were together
three years, and she's so...
292
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,560
And I was so nasty and...
293
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,000
Jonny, come here.
294
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:48,760
Don't worry. Gaz is the really
horrible one. You're not
on your own there, mate.
295
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,600
You're both complete wankers.
296
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,480
You have nice breasts.
297
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,720
What?
298
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,080
Er...I didn't say anything.
299
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:12,720
Yes, you did. You said I had
really nice breasts.
300
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:17,360
I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to.
Not that they aren't nice.
301
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:20,720
I mean, they're very perky and...
302
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,760
..friendly.
303
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,320
Now, that WOULD be stupid.
304
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,080
Yes, yes. Yes, it would.
305
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,880
You do have nice baps, though.
306
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,160
Stop it.
307
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,200
Hi, Donna, it's Louise!
308
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:52,240
Since you've been screening
your calls, I want you to know
I'll be knocking on your door
309
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:58,000
in five...four...three...
two...one! Now!
310
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,760
Ooh! Hi, Gaz! Is your missus home?
311
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:17,200
Louise...
LOUISE GASPS
312
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,760
Janet evil! Sleeps with everyone!
313
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,840
Poor Jonny! Janet evil!
Sleeps with everyone!
314
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,520
Gaz...naked...and wet...
315
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,880
..and a bit sexy!
316
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,480
Oh, Louise, stop it! Ahhh!
317
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,320
Janet evil! Evil!
318
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:45,760
Gaz...! Oh, no!
319
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,360
Janet? Oh...it's just you.
320
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:59,680
I know where she's gone
and who she's sleeping with!
321
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,720
We all had that one figured.
You all right?
322
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,440
What sort of sick freaks are you?!
323
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,040
Stop staring at me like that,
you perverts!
324
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:28,560
Jonny's vanished, Donna has
vanished. We're all alone.
325
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,400
Yep, we're all alone!
326
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,120
Alone and horny!
327
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:43,000
You can knock on his door, then
when he answers - bang, bang! -
328
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,560
I shoot him in the head!
329
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:49,880
Great shower. Yeah. Could tell
you liked it from what I saw.
30749
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