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1
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This programme contains adult humour.
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"Janet, the thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
3
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,440
"All my love, Andy."
4
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:13,520
What letter? From that Andy we went
to school with. What - Phwoar Andy?
5
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,800
I'll phone Andy. Get him round
my house. Fork him in the eye?
6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,040
No violence. Just tell him
to back off, leave Janet alone.
7
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,920
What? Jonny'll never find out!
8
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,160
with bubbles in it
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handle anything stronger now
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Jonny!
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Jonny!
12
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Donna, I'm going off now.
13
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,120
Jonny, come on! Get up!
14
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You've got that job interview today!
15
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,880
I'm dying. Help me.
16
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Feel my forehead.
17
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:23,640
Why - is it hot? No,
it's dead slimy. I was sick on it!
18
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,120
Why do you always do this? Do what?
19
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,840
Oh, my God!
20
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,400
I can see many, many penguins...
21
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I think I'm hallucinating, Janet!
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00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,920
No, you're not! You're just faking
to avoid another job interview!
23
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:44,880
Like when you'd to meet my mother
and you had Swarfega fever!
24
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:49,480
My glands are massive.
Feel my testicles.
25
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,400
Why - are they swollen?
No, I just like it.
26
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,120
Eeek!
27
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,440
Hello, little puppy!
What's your name?
28
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Oh?
29
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,280
Chesney, you say?
30
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:19,760
Well, Chesney, my name's Louise,
and I'm going to spend
the last of my fag money on you!
31
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,160
Donna... Donna, are you all right?
You look great.
32
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,920
You wanna move in or what, eh?
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Bit direct...
34
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,680
Yo...
35
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,240
Yo, Donna...
36
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,560
you're looking fine, girl,
girlfriend!
37
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You wanna be my bitch in my ghetto?
38
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I think that's a bit obscure.
39
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,760
Bit knobby as well...
40
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,240
Er...
41
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Donna...
42
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,640
Donna...
43
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,200
Donna, you look...
44
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,880
..beautiful.
45
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,840
You wanna be my Pop Tart
and live in my toaster of love?
46
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Yeah? That makes sense!
47
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It's perfect!
48
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,400
Bring it on!
49
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,400
You're back!
50
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,720
My eldest has returned
to my wonderfully pert bosom!
51
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,480
What? You're back - to stay!
52
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,200
Oh, my God! I don't live here!
53
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,680
Yes, you do.
54
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:37,360
Look at you! Come to mamma,
my bambino! I forgot! I moved out.
55
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You forgot? Yeah, this is scary.
56
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,520
You know what this is? No.
57
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:50,040
Early menopause. Have you had an
overwhelming urge for unbridled sex?
58
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:57,800
No, but I've not had bridled sex yet,
unless you count the monstrous things
I used to do with My Little Pony!
59
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:04,920
This is worrying. Worry - another
symptom. Have your periods stopped?
Or become light or heavy or clumpy?
60
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,360
Eugh, Mum! No!
61
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:13,080
You're all right! As long as they're
like mine - cherry Slush Puppy.
62
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:17,240
Just remembered why I moved out!
I'm off to Janet's! Bye, Mum.
63
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,200
OK, fine, if you don't love me!
64
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:25,840
My God, I pushed you through my
super special sphincter for nothing!
65
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:29,200
Sorry, Mum. Course I love you.
66
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,080
That's all I wanted to hear. Go!
67
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,600
Sorry? No, go, then.
68
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,480
I'm turning your room
into a one-man YMCA anyway!
69
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,840
Hello?
70
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,600
Donna?
71
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,480
Donna?
72
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Donna?
73
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Argh!
74
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,440
Eugh!
75
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,520
Jonny, you're less attractive
than ever. Oh...
76
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,440
Gaz, you brought me some flowers...
77
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,800
That's dead kind. No, they're for
Donna. I'm asking her to move in.
78
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,600
Oh, Gaz...!
79
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,840
I'm so ill...
80
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:35,160
Where's Janet? Why isn't she here?
She doesn't love me...
81
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,160
I think I'm gonna die.
Can I have your stereo, then?
82
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:40,800
Help me...
83
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Are you scrumpy ill or madras ill?
84
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,760
Neither.
85
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:50,520
I woke up in the middle of the night
and felt something was living in me,
86
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:55,800
then I hallucinated there was mould
on my face and I was paralysed...
87
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:01,880
and then...Kelly Brook came in and
she started stroking my forehead...
88
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,520
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
89
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:11,360
But then she turned into Sid Waddell
off the darts and did
unspeakable things to my bottom!
90
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,280
Have you seen Donna? I'm looking
for her. I need some water.
91
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,440
Fizzy or still?
92
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:21,120
Tap, Gaz!
We're not in friggin' Surrey!
93
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,440
Scrape some ice off the freezer wall
into it.
94
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,480
Bucket! Bucket now!
95
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,040
Oh... I'm gonna be sick!
96
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,760
Go on!
97
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,640
HE PUKES
98
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,400
Jonny, there's blood in it.
There's blood in it!
99
00:06:54,400 --> 00:07:00,640
Gonna have to get you to hospital!
You're gonna die
and I'll be Billy No-mates!
100
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,680
Gaz...just relax...
It's tomato ketchup.
101
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:09,360
I had a swig of it
when I was delirious.
102
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:16,240
You have to suck it really hard
to get any out, but, once you do,
you know your toil wasn't in vain.
103
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,440
You want some water or should I just
squirt some HP down your neck?
104
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,720
Is there any chicken soup?
105
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:28,160
That's what they give to the sick
and dying and those without teeth.
106
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:32,400
Do you want a cold compress?
That'd be lovely.
107
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,720
Ring him and check he's OK!
108
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:57,720
He does this all the time!
Jobseekers' meetings, anniversaries,
bath night...
109
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He's just faking!
110
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He wasn't faking when I left
for work. He wasn't even throwing up
properly. Poor lad!
111
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:11,240
He had nowt left in his stomach.
He was just going, "Oooorgh!"
112
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,120
He's avoiding a job interview!
113
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:21,520
I just can't imagine someone
doing that. Unless the job was
pigeon debeaker. Or spinster scraper.
114
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,720
What's he applying for?
115
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:31,960
Post-room operator at the Post
Office. That's a great job! You get
to take home the undelivered mail!
116
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,680
So that's where my mail-order swan
went to!
117
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:39,960
He must've been up for worse jobs.
I suppose.
118
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Barman. They said
he wasn't experienced and his tits
were too small. Binman. Ditto.
119
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,040
So post-room boy's well better!
120
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,840
OK, OK, I'll call him!
121
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:58,360
Just to make sure he's not dead!
Comatose or gangrenous,
I'll have another pint!
122
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Andy!
123
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Oh!
124
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,480
All right, all right, all right!
125
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,800
Look! Evil Mr Shoe all gone!
126
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:19,760
You try and get some sleep and I'll
ask my girlfriend to live with me.
127
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,280
Gaz... What? Will you sing to me?
128
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,800
What?
129
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:30,480
When I was little, if I was ill,
my mummy used to sing me to sleep.
130
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:35,200
It made me feel better. No, man!
That's just too gay for words!
131
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:46,560
What did she sing? Lots of things.
She'd sometimes make them up, but.
132
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:52,120
My favourite was the theme tune
from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
133
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,360
Can't remember that one.
134
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,520
I really can't remember that one.
135
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,120
What about
Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds?
136
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,480
I can't believe Dogtanian
turned out to be a girl.
137
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:15,080
He was well gonna shag
that cat queen! She was fit.
138
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,000
Did this happen or are you delirious?
139
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:23,360
It did happen! What did you do with
your childhood while I watched TV?
140
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:26,840
Climbing trees, scrumping
for apples, playing cricket...
141
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,280
Jesus! Did you grow up in the '40s?
142
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,240
Seeing you're ill, I'll let that go!
143
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,240
What about the theme music
from The Tweenies?
144
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:41,360
Your mum couldn't have sang that!
It weren't invented then!
145
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,520
I just like the song!
146
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,920
Please!
147
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,280
Hang on.
148
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:16,680
and play with the Tweenies
149
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:20,240
Play games with us
150
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,640
and scream and shout
151
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,480
And you'll be a vegetarian dog.
152
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,440
And you'll be nice to old people.
And you won't poo indoors!
153
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:45,120
You'll have a built-in sunroof
and CD system.
154
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh, sorry, Chesney,
that's just the new car that I want!
155
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,480
What have you done?
156
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,840
Clean it up!
157
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,760
Hi, Donna! Look what I bought.
158
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,680
It's a rat, Louise.
159
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,960
He's a dog, actually.
160
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:14,640
I got him today. Did you win him
in the small ugly dog raffle
161
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,360
His name's Chesney.
Say hello, Chesney.
162
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,640
Hello, Donna. I'm your new friend.
163
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,400
Well, that's amazing!
It's a talking dog.
164
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,360
I saw him in the pet shop window.
165
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:35,600
He looked so lonely with just six or
seven siblings to keep him company.
I just had to have him.
166
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:40,320
How will you look after him?
You're at uni. I'll find dog-sitters.
167
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:47,920
People love puppies. They're no
trouble and hardly eat a thing. Who
would think they could poo so much?
168
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:56,560
Are you hanging on to that
for a reason? Yes, Donna!
169
00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:01,120
I'm going to spread it on Ryvita!
You're so stupid sometimes.
170
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,840
I'm just being
a conscientious dog owner.
171
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,160
I don't like getting covered in poo.
172
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:12,880
I can't think of anyone who would -
except those Germans
I met in Bootle.
173
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:18,040
Better to pick it up and keep it in
your pocket! I couldn't find a bin.
174
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,640
Stick it in Janet's bag.
175
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:25,960
I can't. She'd kill me.
176
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,080
Or worse, she'd kill Chesney!
She won't know it was you.
177
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:36,200
I'm the only one with a dog,
so it's either me
or she goes to one twisted grocer!
178
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,960
Do it! Go on!
179
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,800
That was fun!
180
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,920
JANET LAUGHS
181
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,480
Oh, my God! Look! What?
182
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,160
Janet is talking to a man
who isn't wearing Crimplene!
183
00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:00,200
That's Andy, her ex. He's nice.
Why did he dump her?
184
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,680
She dumped him. Why?
She fell in love with Jonny.
185
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:08,840
Why? And something to with him
being too big down there.
186
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:14,920
Why? It was doomed from the
beginning, what with him being rich
and having a flash car.
187
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,040
Do you think he could love me?
188
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:23,720
No. He's been hung up on Janet ever
since, not that she notices...ever.
189
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,080
Jonny's ill. Sorry to hear that.
190
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,440
Nothing deadly, I hope!
I think it's flu!
191
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:38,440
Tell me if he does pop his clogs.
I'll be over with a shoulder
to cry on and some aphrodisiacs.
192
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,120
We can always hope. Beg your pardon?
193
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,040
Nothing. I better get back to Donna.
194
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:49,200
Donna's here? Fantastic! Haven't
seen her for weeks. I'll say hello.
195
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:53,640
He's coming over. Told you he loved
me! It's the power of the dog!
196
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,800
Donna, how are you?
197
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,640
Hello, Andy! Don't think we've met.
198
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:04,680
Louise. I'm the educated one.
And I have a dog, so
I don't have a commitment problem.
199
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:09,440
Good. Congratulations on the most
too-much-information greeting ever!
200
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,640
I'm fine. I've moved into Janet's
till I find my own place.
201
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,400
Wish I'd thought of that!
Here, you all sharing the same bed?
202
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,680
Andy, you're terrible!
203
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,400
But lovable with it, I might add!
204
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:31,520
Thanks for throwing yourself at me,
Louise, but I only have eyes for one
woman! That flippin' Nigella Lawson!
205
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,360
No, it's not. She's sat
not too far away from me right now.
206
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:40,360
Oh, Janet? She's got a boyfriend.
I'm painfully aware of that.
207
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:45,400
You've got a boyfriend. I know.
And so have you, Donna!
208
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,560
I'm the only one with no baggage!
209
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,720
Apart from years of student debt!
210
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:58,760
Donna, nobody pays those back.
If you move three times, they can't
catch you! Like the telly licence!
211
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:04,160
Oh, God, I'll have to go. I've got
to take a book back to the library!
212
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,160
See you. Then I'll be at home.
213
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,400
Home. Number 12, Nesbith Ave...
214
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,160
which is my home...
215
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:18,120
and my parents will be out
and there'll be lots of vodka.
216
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,560
It's nice of you to be friends
with her. What's that on the floor?
217
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,280
God, it's Louise's dog!
She just bought him.
218
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,640
Go after her, Donna! Why me?
219
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,440
Because you're the closest!
220
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,680
To what? Heaven! Just do it!
221
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,240
How was Jonny when you phoned?
222
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,880
What? Oops...
223
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,600
I was just heading over to the phone
and...poof!
224
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,960
Can't argue with poof!
225
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:55,480
Fine. I'll go. I'll check
on your boyfriend as well, shall I?
226
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,560
Cheers.
227
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,640
Now everybody's happy.
228
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:10,040
Where's Janet with some medicine?
Don't know. She's not phoned.
229
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,520
I'm worried about Donna as well,
so I'll get off. Just five minutes.
230
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:20,480
I could die and you'd feel
so guilty, you'd kill yourself
and take out Janet and Donna too!
231
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:25,320
Donna! What's that? If you can't eat
it, keep it away from me!
232
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:31,040
Come here! You little
coochie-poochie cuddlesome...
233
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,800
Where did you find him?
It's Louise's.
234
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:42,640
It's a he! Watch out -
he'll slime you with his lipstick!
He'd never do that. What's his name?
235
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:48,920
Chesney. Chesney loves
his Uncle Jonny! Chesney makes
Uncle Jonny feel better.
236
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,040
I wanna talk to you alone.
We can't leave him!
237
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,000
Where's Janet?
In the pub with...
238
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,080
With who?
She's in the pub with frostbite.
239
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:05,960
She's got frostbite? You stay here.
I'll get her. There's something
I need you to do urgently.
240
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:10,520
I did that for you in the car park
of the Red Lion not 20 hours ago!
241
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,480
Not that! Just stay here!
242
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,920
I'll go. Will you be OK?
No, I'm dying. Bring me my blankie.
243
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,800
I've got to go after Gaz...
You have a blankie?
244
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,880
No... I didn't say blankie,
I said...
245
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,880
whip.
246
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,760
Right.
247
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:38,240
Don't leave me! I could die
and then you'd feel so guilty, and
what would little Chesney say then?
248
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:54,960
What do you think you're doing,
you big Greek?
249
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,640
I've lost Chesney!
I think I left him on the bus.
250
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:05,960
You know what bus drivers do with
dogs! They sell them to celebrities!
The fear in Harry Halliwell's eyes!
251
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:11,200
Chesney's with Jonny. You left him
in the pub. Get in, you stupid bimbo!
252
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,400
OK.
253
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,840
You can go now, Andy. I'll be fine.
I'm not leaving you in the rain!
254
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,080
It's not raining!
255
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,400
It is in my heart!
256
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:28,360
My taxi'll be here.
You don't have to wait.
257
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,600
It was really nice seeing you.
258
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:36,200
Listen, Janet... I know
where "Listen, Janet," leads, so...
259
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,560
I'm going to go...
260
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:46,120
Oh, my frigging giddy aunt!
What? Is it my hair?
261
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,040
Look!
262
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,600
Janet!
263
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,360
I'm not Janet! I'm Janet's long-lost
twin sister Colin! Who's this?
264
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,600
I no know! He no speak English!
265
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:03,400
Are you carrying on with three
of us? I could live with that,
if I got Tuesdays!
266
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,280
What about Jonny?
267
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:12,760
Listen, pal, I don't know who you are
or why you're better dressed than me,
but sling your bastard hook...!
268
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,640
Right, you want it? No!
269
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:23,240
Neither of you is worth it!
Here, it that your van?
270
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:27,760
Why, loser?
There's a small Liverpudlian child
pissing on it!
271
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,920
Gaz, are you all right?
272
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:34,320
Is Andy harder than you?
You can tell me!
273
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,800
What are you playing at?
Andy forgot his car.
274
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:42,440
What one's his? The Lexus. Why?
Cos I've got a full bladder.
275
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,800
You still speak like that
even when you're angry?
276
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:51,080
Get in the van! All right. You
slutty...slutster! Gaz! Get in!
277
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,160
What's that smell?
278
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,480
It's gorgeous.
279
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,760
It's dog poo, Jonny!
280
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,600
Makes you hungry, doesn't it?
281
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,000
No, not in the slightest!
282
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,880
I wish Janet'd come home.
283
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,440
She'd look after me properly.
284
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:27,640
I bet she knows the theme music
to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
285
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,600
Janet!
286
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,920
Jonny...
287
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,320
Feeling any better? Like you care!
288
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:44,760
I'm feeling a bit better,
but I could do with some medicine.
Did you bring any? Yes, of course.
289
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,560
Let's see. I got you...
290
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,720
some mints for indigestion...
291
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,240
and there's a lip balm for chafing.
292
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,280
And a bus timetable.
293
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,280
And...what else?
294
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:03,560
Eugh! Eugh, what's that?!
295
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,520
Who put dog shit in my bag?
296
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,480
Oh, Janet,
you've brought me some dog poo!
297
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,080
That's dead kind,
but we've already got loads.
298
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:21,440
Oh, my God, Louise! Your dog's
wrecked the house! I know.
299
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:27,960
You're so irresponsible. Real dog
owners clean up after their pets.
You're not sensible enough!
300
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,200
I'm cold.
301
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,160
Where is Chesney? So, so cold...!
302
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,520
Cos the door's open.
303
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,720
Chesney!
304
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:42,720
Should we go and look for it?
Good idea. We can talk.
305
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:48,440
Let me tell him myself! It's nothing
to do with you, you skanky skank bag!
306
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,040
What is it?
It's private. Come on.
307
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,640
If you've given me the clap,
I'll have your guts for garters!
308
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,880
You stink of beer.
I only popped in... It's all right.
309
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:12,400
I like it. Especially with
eau de dog cronk hanging in the air.
310
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,280
What's Gaz going to say to Donna?
311
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:19,440
He's going to ask her
to live with him in his flat.
312
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,920
I think he wants what we've got.
Yeah? Yeah.
313
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,440
Come here and give us a kiss.
I missed you.
314
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,840
Mmm!
315
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,960
I detect a hint
of honey-roasted peanut...
316
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,200
and...the aroma of ashtray...
317
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,360
..with a dash of CK One.
318
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,960
So? You smell of sick!
319
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,400
CK One - it's for a man or a woman!
So?
320
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:53,520
Do you feel ill?
My stomach feels knotty!
321
00:23:53,520 --> 00:24:00,360
That's how mine started. You lie
down and I'll get you some chicken
soup. It's good for the soul.
322
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:04,200
There's nothing wrong with my soul.
Ssh! Jonny make it better.
323
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:13,000
What's it like living with them?
You need loads of drugs
and me and Janet lez up for Jonny.
324
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,400
I thought so.
It's awful, Gaz!
325
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:23,040
I have to sleep on a pile of coats
in their boxroom. They're not even
their coats! They smell funny.
326
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,320
Janet and Jonny? I noticed that.
No, the coats!
327
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,680
I don't want to move around too much
in case an old poo falls out!
328
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,600
You eating properly?
They don't even have meals.
329
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:39,360
They have cans of spaghetti in
the fridge that you take as and when.
330
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,400
Genius!
331
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,520
I don't know what to do.
332
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,640
Well...you could live with me.
333
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:57,040
We talked about this and you like
your independence and nudie posters!
334
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,880
No, I really want you to live
with me. It's cheap where I live.
335
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,520
Yes.
Half as cheap again with you!
336
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,480
True.
And it's a bit of a mess.
337
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,120
Yes.
You're a girl. What do girls do?
338
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,720
Clean!
339
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:16,640
Appreciating your honesty and
trying not to gouge your eye out...
340
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,920
This is a belter.
Not that you love me
341
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,040
No! No...!
342
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:25,960
I can't iron
and you can't fix things.
343
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:30,600
Yes?
Together, we could do anything!
We could fix an iron!
344
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,360
So it's a business agreement?
Absolutely, yeah.
345
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:37,880
And you get a built-in sex monster!
That's impressive!
346
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,920
Go on, then. You're on.
When do you want me?
347
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,800
Tomorrow would be wicked!
Is that your day off?
348
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,200
No, I've got this shirt I want to
wear. It's as creased as a testicle.
349
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,200
You needn't have.
Would you prefer Dogtanian?
350
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,680
Muskehounds are always ready
351
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,240
That's all I know of that one.
352
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,160
But Mysterious Cities Of Gold...
353
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,240
Jonny...
354
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:44,120
Can you be quiet? I need to talk to
you. Don't. I tried that with Gaz.
It just came out as purple bile.
355
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:51,320
Lie there and I'll take care of you.
Your wish is my command.
KNOCKING
356
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,640
Oh, Jonny! It's awful!
357
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,960
What's up? Were you attacked?
358
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:06,960
No... You know those lorries that
go past on their way to the factory?
359
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:09,080
Yeah. Look.
360
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:12,400
Chesney!
361
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,840
He looks like a hand muff!
362
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,880
I need to bury him
in a proper ceremony.
363
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,920
Don't worry, Louise. I've got
a shovel and a doggy prayer book.
364
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:33,480
Jonny... Janet, you'll be OK.
You've got chicken soup.
365
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,680
Jonny, I need to talk to you!
366
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:40,480
Burying my dog is far more important
than you being unfaithful to Jonny!
367
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:45,960
She's right. Come on, Louise.
Turtle power, Janet!
368
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,320
DOOR OPENS
369
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,520
I can't do this any more!
You're being horrible!
370
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,960
If you don't talk to me, I'm going!
371
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,480
I'll find someone who'll talk to me!
372
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,440
You have nice breasts.
373
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:23,880
Ooh!
374
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,840
Hi, Gaz. Is your missus home?
375
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,440
Louise!
376
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,680
Oh...!
30785
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