Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

"Janet, the thought of you keeps my heart warm every night.

"All my love, Andy."

What letter? From that Andy we went to school with. What - Phwoar Andy?

I'll phone Andy. Get him round my house. Fork him in the eye?

No violence. Just tell him to back off, leave Janet alone.

What? Jonny'll never find out!

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Jonny!

Jonny!

Donna, I'm going off now.

Jonny, come on! Get up!

You've got that job interview today!

I'm dying. Help me.

Feel my forehead.

Why - is it hot? No, it's dead slimy. I was sick on it!

Why do you always do this? Do what?

Oh, my God!

I can see many, many penguins...

I think I'm hallucinating, Janet!

No, you're not! You're just faking to avoid another job interview!

Like when you'd to meet my mother and you had Swarfega fever!

My glands are massive. Feel my testicles.

Why - are they swollen? No, I just like it.

Eeek!

Hello, little puppy! What's your name?

Oh?

Chesney, you say?

Well, Chesney, my name's Louise, and I'm going to spend the last of my fag money on you!

Donna... Donna, are you all right? You look great.

You wanna move in or what, eh?

Bit direct...

Yo...

Yo, Donna...

you're looking fine, girl, girlfriend!

You wanna be my bitch in my ghetto?

I think that's a bit obscure.

Bit knobby as well...

Er...

Donna...

Donna...

Donna, you look...

..beautiful.

You wanna be my Pop Tart and live in my toaster of love?

Yeah? That makes sense!

It's perfect!

Bring it on!

You're back!

My eldest has returned to my wonderfully pert bosom!

What? You're back - to stay!

Oh, my God! I don't live here!

Yes, you do.

Look at you! Come to mamma, my bambino! I forgot! I moved out.

You forgot? Yeah, this is scary.

You know what this is? No.

Early menopause. Have you had an overwhelming urge for unbridled sex?

No, but I've not had bridled sex yet, unless you count the monstrous things I used to do with My Little Pony!

This is worrying. Worry - another symptom. Have your periods stopped? Or become light or heavy or clumpy?

Eugh, Mum! No!

You're all right! As long as they're like mine - cherry Slush Puppy.

Just remembered why I moved out! I'm off to Janet's! Bye, Mum.

OK, fine, if you don't love me!

My God, I pushed you through my super special sphincter for nothing!

Sorry, Mum. Course I love you.

That's all I wanted to hear. Go!

Sorry? No, go, then.

I'm turning your room into a one-man YMCA anyway!

Hello?

Donna?

Donna?

Donna?

Argh!

Eugh!

Jonny, you're less attractive than ever. Oh...

Gaz, you brought me some flowers...

That's dead kind. No, they're for Donna. I'm asking her to move in.

Oh, Gaz...!

I'm so ill...

Where's Janet? Why isn't she here? She doesn't love me...

I think I'm gonna die. Can I have your stereo, then?

Help me...

Are you scrumpy ill or madras ill?

Neither.

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt something was living in me,

then I hallucinated there was mould on my face and I was paralysed...

and then...Kelly Brook came in and she started stroking my forehead...

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

But then she turned into Sid Waddell off the darts and did unspeakable things to my bottom!

Have you seen Donna? I'm looking for her. I need some water.

Fizzy or still?

Tap, Gaz! We're not in friggin' Surrey!

Scrape some ice off the freezer wall into it.

Bucket! Bucket now!

Oh... I'm gonna be sick!

Go on!

HE PUKES

Jonny, there's blood in it. There's blood in it!

Gonna have to get you to hospital! You're gonna die and I'll be Billy No-mates!

Gaz...just relax... It's tomato ketchup.

I had a swig of it when I was delirious.

You have to suck it really hard to get any out, but, once you do, you know your toil wasn't in vain.

You want some water or should I just squirt some HP down your neck?

Is there any chicken soup?

That's what they give to the sick and dying and those without teeth.

Do you want a cold compress? That'd be lovely.

Ring him and check he's OK!

He does this all the time! Jobseekers' meetings, anniversaries, bath night...

He's just faking!

He wasn't faking when I left for work. He wasn't even throwing up properly. Poor lad!

He had nowt left in his stomach. He was just going, "Oooorgh!"

He's avoiding a job interview!

I just can't imagine someone doing that. Unless the job was pigeon debeaker. Or spinster scraper.

What's he applying for?

Post-room operator at the Post Office. That's a great job! You get to take home the undelivered mail!

So that's where my mail-order swan went to!

He must've been up for worse jobs. I suppose.

Barman. They said he wasn't experienced and his tits were too small. Binman. Ditto.

So post-room boy's well better!

OK, OK, I'll call him!

Just to make sure he's not dead! Comatose or gangrenous, I'll have another pint!

Andy!

Oh!

All right, all right, all right!

Look! Evil Mr Shoe all gone!

You try and get some sleep and I'll ask my girlfriend to live with me.

Gaz... What? Will you sing to me?

What?

When I was little, if I was ill, my mummy used to sing me to sleep.

It made me feel better. No, man! That's just too gay for words!

What did she sing? Lots of things. She'd sometimes make them up, but.

My favourite was the theme tune from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Can't remember that one.

I really can't remember that one.

What about Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds?

I can't believe Dogtanian turned out to be a girl.

He was well gonna shag that cat queen! She was fit.

Did this happen or are you delirious?

It did happen! What did you do with your childhood while I watched TV?

Climbing trees, scrumping for apples, playing cricket...

Jesus! Did you grow up in the '40s?

Seeing you're ill, I'll let that go!

What about the theme music from The Tweenies?

Your mum couldn't have sang that! It weren't invented then!

I just like the song!

Please!

Hang on.

and play with the Tweenies

Play games with us

and scream and shout

And you'll be a vegetarian dog.

And you'll be nice to old people. And you won't poo indoors!

You'll have a built-in sunroof and CD system.

Oh, sorry, Chesney, that's just the new car that I want!

What have you done?

Clean it up!

Hi, Donna! Look what I bought.

It's a rat, Louise.

He's a dog, actually.

I got him today. Did you win him in the small ugly dog raffle

His name's Chesney. Say hello, Chesney.

Hello, Donna. I'm your new friend.

Well, that's amazing! It's a talking dog.

I saw him in the pet shop window.

He looked so lonely with just six or seven siblings to keep him company. I just had to have him.

How will you look after him? You're at uni. I'll find dog-sitters.

People love puppies. They're no trouble and hardly eat a thing. Who would think they could poo so much?

Are you hanging on to that for a reason? Yes, Donna!

I'm going to spread it on Ryvita! You're so stupid sometimes.

I'm just being a conscientious dog owner.

I don't like getting covered in poo.

I can't think of anyone who would - except those Germans I met in Bootle.

Better to pick it up and keep it in your pocket! I couldn't find a bin.

Stick it in Janet's bag.

I can't. She'd kill me.

Or worse, she'd kill Chesney! She won't know it was you.

I'm the only one with a dog, so it's either me or she goes to one twisted grocer!

Do it! Go on!

That was fun!

JANET LAUGHS

Oh, my God! Look! What?

Janet is talking to a man who isn't wearing Crimplene!

That's Andy, her ex. He's nice. Why did he dump her?

She dumped him. Why? She fell in love with Jonny.

Why? And something to with him being too big down there.

Why? It was doomed from the beginning, what with him being rich and having a flash car.

Do you think he could love me?

No. He's been hung up on Janet ever since, not that she notices...ever.

Jonny's ill. Sorry to hear that.

Nothing deadly, I hope! I think it's flu!

Tell me if he does pop his clogs. I'll be over with a shoulder to cry on and some aphrodisiacs.

We can always hope. Beg your pardon?

Nothing. I better get back to Donna.

Donna's here? Fantastic! Haven't seen her for weeks. I'll say hello.

He's coming over. Told you he loved me! It's the power of the dog!

Donna, how are you?

Hello, Andy! Don't think we've met.

Louise. I'm the educated one. And I have a dog, so I don't have a commitment problem.

Good. Congratulations on the most too-much-information greeting ever!

I'm fine. I've moved into Janet's till I find my own place.

Wish I'd thought of that! Here, you all sharing the same bed?

Andy, you're terrible!

But lovable with it, I might add!

Thanks for throwing yourself at me, Louise, but I only have eyes for one woman! That flippin' Nigella Lawson!

No, it's not. She's sat not too far away from me right now.

Oh, Janet? She's got a boyfriend. I'm painfully aware of that.

You've got a boyfriend. I know. And so have you, Donna!

I'm the only one with no baggage!

Apart from years of student debt!

Donna, nobody pays those back. If you move three times, they can't catch you! Like the telly licence!

Oh, God, I'll have to go. I've got to take a book back to the library!

See you. Then I'll be at home.

Home. Number 12, Nesbith Ave...

which is my home...

and my parents will be out and there'll be lots of vodka.

It's nice of you to be friends with her. What's that on the floor?

God, it's Louise's dog! She just bought him.

Go after her, Donna! Why me?

Because you're the closest!

To what? Heaven! Just do it!

How was Jonny when you phoned?

What? Oops...

I was just heading over to the phone and...poof!

Can't argue with poof!

Fine. I'll go. I'll check on your boyfriend as well, shall I?

Cheers.

Now everybody's happy.

Where's Janet with some medicine? Don't know. She's not phoned.

I'm worried about Donna as well, so I'll get off. Just five minutes.

I could die and you'd feel so guilty, you'd kill yourself and take out Janet and Donna too!

Donna! What's that? If you can't eat it, keep it away from me!

Come here! You little coochie-poochie cuddlesome...

Where did you find him? It's Louise's.

It's a he! Watch out - he'll slime you with his lipstick! He'd never do that. What's his name?

Chesney. Chesney loves his Uncle Jonny! Chesney makes Uncle Jonny feel better.

I wanna talk to you alone. We can't leave him!

Where's Janet? In the pub with...

With who? She's in the pub with frostbite.

She's got frostbite? You stay here. I'll get her. There's something I need you to do urgently.

I did that for you in the car park of the Red Lion not 20 hours ago!

Not that! Just stay here!

I'll go. Will you be OK? No, I'm dying. Bring me my blankie.

I've got to go after Gaz... You have a blankie?

No... I didn't say blankie, I said...

whip.

Right.

Don't leave me! I could die and then you'd feel so guilty, and what would little Chesney say then?

What do you think you're doing, you big Greek?

I've lost Chesney! I think I left him on the bus.

You know what bus drivers do with dogs! They sell them to celebrities! The fear in Harry Halliwell's eyes!

Chesney's with Jonny. You left him in the pub. Get in, you stupid bimbo!

OK.

You can go now, Andy. I'll be fine. I'm not leaving you in the rain!

It's not raining!

It is in my heart!

My taxi'll be here. You don't have to wait.

It was really nice seeing you.

Listen, Janet... I know where "Listen, Janet," leads, so...

I'm going to go...

Oh, my frigging giddy aunt! What? Is it my hair?

Look!

Janet!

I'm not Janet! I'm Janet's long-lost twin sister Colin! Who's this?

I no know! He no speak English!

Are you carrying on with three of us? I could live with that, if I got Tuesdays!

What about Jonny?

Listen, pal, I don't know who you are or why you're better dressed than me, but sling your bastard hook...!

Right, you want it? No!

Neither of you is worth it! Here, it that your van?

Why, loser? There's a small Liverpudlian child pissing on it!

Gaz, are you all right?

Is Andy harder than you? You can tell me!

What are you playing at? Andy forgot his car.

What one's his? The Lexus. Why? Cos I've got a full bladder.

You still speak like that even when you're angry?

Get in the van! All right. You slutty...slutster! Gaz! Get in!

What's that smell?

It's gorgeous.

It's dog poo, Jonny!

Makes you hungry, doesn't it?

No, not in the slightest!

I wish Janet'd come home.

She'd look after me properly.

I bet she knows the theme music to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Janet!

Jonny...

Feeling any better? Like you care!

I'm feeling a bit better, but I could do with some medicine. Did you bring any? Yes, of course.

Let's see. I got you...

some mints for indigestion...

and there's a lip balm for chafing.

And a bus timetable.

And...what else?

Eugh! Eugh, what's that?!

Who put dog shit in my bag?

Oh, Janet, you've brought me some dog poo!

That's dead kind, but we've already got loads.

Oh, my God, Louise! Your dog's wrecked the house! I know.

You're so irresponsible. Real dog owners clean up after their pets. You're not sensible enough!

I'm cold.

Where is Chesney? So, so cold...!

Cos the door's open.

Chesney!

Should we go and look for it? Good idea. We can talk.

Let me tell him myself! It's nothing to do with you, you skanky skank bag!

What is it? It's private. Come on.

If you've given me the clap, I'll have your guts for garters!

You stink of beer. I only popped in... It's all right.

I like it. Especially with eau de dog cronk hanging in the air.

What's Gaz going to say to Donna?

He's going to ask her to live with him in his flat.

I think he wants what we've got. Yeah? Yeah.

Come here and give us a kiss. I missed you.

Mmm!

I detect a hint of honey-roasted peanut...

and...the aroma of ashtray...

..with a dash of CK One.

So? You smell of sick!

CK One - it's for a man or a woman! So?

Do you feel ill? My stomach feels knotty!

That's how mine started. You lie down and I'll get you some chicken soup. It's good for the soul.

There's nothing wrong with my soul. Ssh! Jonny make it better.

What's it like living with them? You need loads of drugs and me and Janet lez up for Jonny.

I thought so. It's awful, Gaz!

I have to sleep on a pile of coats in their boxroom. They're not even their coats! They smell funny.

Janet and Jonny? I noticed that. No, the coats!

I don't want to move around too much in case an old poo falls out!

You eating properly? They don't even have meals.

They have cans of spaghetti in the fridge that you take as and when.

Genius!

I don't know what to do.

Well...you could live with me.

We talked about this and you like your independence and nudie posters!

No, I really want you to live with me. It's cheap where I live.

Yes. Half as cheap again with you!

True. And it's a bit of a mess.

Yes. You're a girl. What do girls do?

Clean!

Appreciating your honesty and trying not to gouge your eye out...

This is a belter. Not that you love me

No! No...!

I can't iron and you can't fix things.

Yes? Together, we could do anything! We could fix an iron!

So it's a business agreement? Absolutely, yeah.

And you get a built-in sex monster! That's impressive!

Go on, then. You're on. When do you want me?

Tomorrow would be wicked! Is that your day off?

No, I've got this shirt I want to wear. It's as creased as a testicle.

You needn't have. Would you prefer Dogtanian?

Muskehounds are always ready

That's all I know of that one.

But Mysterious Cities Of Gold...

Jonny...

Can you be quiet? I need to talk to you. Don't. I tried that with Gaz. It just came out as purple bile.

Lie there and I'll take care of you. Your wish is my command. KNOCKING

Oh, Jonny! It's awful!

What's up? Were you attacked?

No... You know those lorries that go past on their way to the factory?

Yeah. Look.

Chesney!

He looks like a hand muff!

I need to bury him in a proper ceremony.

Don't worry, Louise. I've got a shovel and a doggy prayer book.

Jonny... Janet, you'll be OK. You've got chicken soup.

Jonny, I need to talk to you!

Burying my dog is far more important than you being unfaithful to Jonny!

She's right. Come on, Louise. Turtle power, Janet!

DOOR OPENS

I can't do this any more! You're being horrible!

If you don't talk to me, I'm going!

I'll find someone who'll talk to me!

You have nice breasts.

Ooh!

Hi, Gaz. Is your missus home?

Louise!

Oh...!