Original subtitles

One thousand pounds?

He's getting an engagement ring. How d'you know?

He said we'd get married when he had a bit of money.

Why would you wanna get married? Because you love someone?

Stupid!

I think that went very well.

This programme contains adult humour.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

"Janet, my darling...

"I missed you so much since I've been in London. I can't wait to come home and give you all you desire.

"I can't stop thinking about that night under the stars in Tenby.

"Janet, the thought of you keeps my heart warm every night.

"All my love, Andy."

Hello, pumpkin-poo, what you up to? Nothing you'd care about.

Are you still angry cos I won't marry you? We're fine as we are!

It's not that. All right, then.

Are you trying to find my porn, you silly little button?!

Told you - I'm not into that...

Don't throw away Granny Spanker! It's me favourite!

Only cos it makes you think of the Queen! Exactly - patriotic porn!

Want a drink? Yeah, all right.

"Janet, my darling...

"I missed you so much since I've been in London. I can't wait to come home and give you all you desire.

"I can't stop thinking about that night under the stars in Tenby.

"Janet, the thought of you keeps my heart warm every night.

"All my love, Andy."

Tea or coffee? Er...coffee, black, four sugars.

That'll taste... Just do it, woman!

All right! Who's "Andee"?

Who? Andee - Tenby under the stars!

Oh, Andy? He's just an old boyfriend.

How old? Michael Winner old? Please don't be talking Michael Winner old!

Johnny, you stupid little fool, I went out with him before I met you!

We were just kids, He had a crush on me and we'd pretend to get married. It's all silly, really.

Why did you keep his letter if it's "all silly"? Nostalgia. It's a bit of my childhood.

Really? Really!

Come here!

You really care about me, don't you, you big lummock? Yeah!

What's it like being my girlfriend, Wheezy? Did you just call me Wheezy?

Yeah. Short for Louise. I hate it.

What - being my girlfriend? No, being called Wheezy!

Being your girlfriend's nice. Don't you find me attractive?

Yeah, you're...quite pretty.

"Quite pretty"? I'm a wildly sensual beast of a man!

What's your favourite bit?

You have a lovely, lovely...

..sense of wellbeing.

You've got to be attracted to me! I'm wearing pheromones!

Smell my head! It smells of monkey penises!

I'm fine, thanks.

So hard to tell where the man's beard ends!

Hello, Mum.

Hi, sweetheart.

Christ, that man's beard's like...

Oh, I get it!

Exactly what I thought! Mum...?

Yes, my apple of my eye? Why's all my stuff down here?

Cos you've got to move out. Sorry.

Are you serious? Why? Sit down, petal.

There comes a time in a mother's life when she not so much grows to resent her children's presence...

it's more like...hate.

That's the word.

I get it! This is one of your little jokes, like when I had hip-length hair and you cut if off as I slept?

I need your room. I really do. You're not pregnant?

Don't let one of God's miracles slide through the valley of the shadow of death! Don't call my vagina that!

Sorry. No, I'm not pregnant. But I could be if I wanted! I'm still fertile!

Yeah? I just have to smile at a casually masturbating tramp to get pregnant!

So what do you need my room for?

I'm becoming a masseuse!

You're not even trained! You don't have to be trained to run your hands over some young man's naked body!

It's often women who want massages.

I'm not doing that!

Somebody else's cellulite flubbering against my wedding ring? No!

So what if a woman asks for your services? It's be a men-only service.

Where are you going to advertise? I've thought about this.

Phone boxes.

"Exclusive men-only service. Relaxed atmosphere.

"Let Floella stroke the life, strife and wife out of you."

Good, eh?

Mum...? Yes, my little snagglepuss?

Why's it got my picture on it?

In a few years, nobody's gonna have any little toes.

What - will everyone's toes be really massive?

No...

No, I mean you smallest one, the last one, there'll be no need for it,

cos we don't have to balance as much as when we were apes.

Why not? Cos we sit in pubs now or we lie down instead.

What about people that have to stand up all day - like Carol Vorderman on Countdown? Will she fall over?

I think so.

Unless they made her a prosthetic toe!

A six-million dollar toe that could see for miles and run dead fast!

I'm gonna get one of them. MOBILE RINGS

That'll be Donna. We're in textual contact all the time!

There you are!

"Bill unpaid. Contact provider." Cheeky minx!

Gaz... Yes, mate?

Has Donna ever said anything to you about her old boyfriends? Yeah...

Always buying her flowers, taking her out, paying for drinks, phoning unexpectedly... Tossers!

Has she ever said anything about any of Janet's old boyfriends?

No. Sorry, pal. Oh...

Why, mate? Something wrong?

Well, I found this letter from an old boyfriend of Janet's...

She says it was over before she met me...

And? If it was really over, why would she have kept the letter?

Johnny... Huh?

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, John...

Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...

Johnny... If you don't stop saying my name, I'll cockdrop you!

You'll do what?

Cockdrop you.

That word don't even exist! It was on Scrapheap Challenge!

You've got all the European games of Liverpool in the '70s and '80s?

Yeah, they were doing well. And it made you feel special?

Yeah, it made me feel good and part of something big...

bigger than Pavarotti's arse.

So Janet's just keeping souvenirs of a time she felt special.

Is that why you frame your best jazz mags? Now you're getting it!

Jazz mags are different - her ex is in the past,

but I can revisit Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters any time.

You don't think Janet might want to revisit this Andy?

Oh, Johnny...

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...

Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...

You want me to cockdrop you!

It's just James is perfect for me in every way.

You poor thing? Want some camomile tea?

He's intelligent, smart, sophisticated...

The hateful bastard!

And he's so Caucasian - my father would beat me!

WonderfulThere's just one thing wrong. What's that, then?

I don't feel the grrr! You've got to feel the grrr! DOOR SLAMS

Hello! Hello. My fags and booze stop. Louise ain't feeling James's grrr.

I felt Gaz's grrr the night we met!

And he'll be here soon and he wants me to find him raw and sexy!

What do you feel? Well, he's kind of pale and clammy.

A learner! You're in luck. Bet you're older than him.

By three months. How did you know?

Because by the sound of it, he needs to be taught the ways of a woman!

Ooh!

I have taught him!

I tell him off for slouching, I throw cups at him once a month, I even nag - watch!

You watch too much football! You'll turn into a football if you watch that bloody football any more.

You love football more than me! What's his team?

Oh, God, no! He hates football!

But one has to nag!

Not those ways of a woman! You've got a student in the art of lurve!

You're spending too much time with Gaz! The way you describe it, he doesn't know how to turn you on.

You show him. Because he's so naive, he won't ask for anything back.

So...if I ask him to visit the fishmonger's on Friday...

I won't have to shop for cheese on the Saturday.

God only hopes you're talking in metaphor!

No!

He likes fish. I like cheese! Sounds like the perfect match there, mate

What you wanna do, right, when he comes in, walk up to him, look him in the eyes,

whisper what you're gonna do when you get him home. That'll get you going.

Where are you getting this advice from? Woman's Weekly.

Don't just tell you how to bake the perfect brownie!

I really hope that's not a metaphor! KNOCKING

You can come in if you've got Pringles! I've got Corn Flakes stuck to my T-shirt!

Come in. Cuppa tea? Yes, please.

Hi, James.

Hello, Louise.

SHE MOUTHS

You know what I'm going to do to you tonight?

No...

oh...but I'd like you to tell me!

I'm going to make you a huge shepherd's pie!

With real mash!

Oh! That's lovely.

Thanks, Louise, that makes me feel so very...

hungry!

Hello, my little piss flap!

Hello!

You're in a good mood! Recovered from this morning, jealous arse?

That was because I love you so much! Enough to marry me?

Bugger, no!

But I do think you should keep Andy's letter. It's part of what makes you special.

What letter? Just a letter from that Andy we went to school with.

What - Phwoar Andy?

God! I had such a crush on him!

Every time I sat next to him in assembly, I'd leave a damp patch!

Mad, ain't it? I was saying to Andy the other day how we've all changed.

The other day? I just bumped into him in the pub - it's nothing.

You "just bumped into him"?!

"Just bumped into" one of your old boyfriends?

How often do you "just bump into" Andy?

I don't know... Every couple of months or so.

You don't see me going round, casually bumping into me exes!

Johnny, stop using the word "bump"! Louise, I'm on Johnny's side here.

Thank you. In fact, we can all go back to the pub and talk about you and your bumping! Come on, James!

Don't take him! He wears tweed!

I've only got £70 on me as well, so I can't really afford it.

Get up!

Johnny!

Anyone want to hear my news? I didn't feel a thing.

I did the look, the whisper... nothing. Want to hear my news?

It was like telling my brother what I was making for his tea.

Third and final... I felt nothing. Bollocks! You're probably gay!

What do you mean - I'm gay?

It's the brown suit, isn't it?

Dump James and become a lesbian - it clearly is your only option.

I did hear there's a lot of money in lesbianism.

You are not a lesbian! How do you know? I've never tried.

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to a woman? I always liked Fatima Whitbread.

Would you fancy me or Donna?

Oh, God, no! Us lipstick lesbians are disgusted by you butch types!

Donna, what's your news?

My mum... I love hearing stories about Donna's mother!

They're always full of gin and sailors!

Just like Michael Portillo!

Have you got any temazepam to shut her up? No, I fed the last of it to that stray cat.

Oh, God! What happened? Well, can you hear any miaowing?

My mum wants me to move out. Why?

So she can massage men for cash. You could move in here.

Wouldn't Johnny mind? He won't notice. Too busy making that cyborg for Robot Wars. Oh...

How's that going? Well, it's just a turnip with a light bulb in it.

But he's getting there, bless him. He painted a face on it.

Will you help me get my stuff? Sure. Louise, you coming? No...

I'm going to stay here and think about all the wonderful things Jennifer Lopez's bottom does.

What are you doing? I'm moving out, remember? Like you asked me to.

What? No, you can't move out! I've already done it - I'm gone!

What will I do without you?

Pummel the buttocks of Runcorn!

That's all fallen through! Seems it's illegal to advertise in phone boxes. British Telecom do it!

Mum, you'll be fine. And it really is time I moved out - I'm nearly 22.

Where will you go?

Stay at Janet's for a few days, then a little flat, probably...

You can't! People that live in flats - they kill them!

And who is this "they"?

Communists!

Don't worry. My sister's here.

She's only 15! She can't drink and smoke like you can!

She sits in her room all day listening to Burt Bacharach! Weird!

She'll be fine. She'll stay with me for a few days, then find a place.

See you. I'll give you a ring in a bit, all right?

Bye.

This has been watered-down! Katie!

Find Andy and kick him into next Tuesday! I'll do better than that!

What - Wednesday?

Go and get the drinks in, you!

Just because she bumped into an old boyfriend doesn't mean doodly-twat.

Donna called him Phwoar Andy! Yeah, that was well out of order.

I don't want to interrupt, Gazzy, but I've heard you call every woman we passed phwoar something-or-other.

It wasn't phwoar something-or-other! It was, "Phwoar! Love me big time, me bitches!"

Johnny...

Janet loves you very, very much.

She twinkles like a fairy when she looks at you. I know about these things. I did aromatherapy.

Oi! Where's me peanuts? Janet might go back off with him, rekindle what they had together!

Good! You was laughing last week about how you'd never marry her!

You could spend more time with me!

You're so romantic! Go and get some chicken lips.

No-one gets married till they're 30 now! Women can have babies at 50!

Probably easier for them then.

Birth canal's all stretched after a lifetime of large portions!

Chickens don't have lips!

And nobody told meI'm hurt!

My mother had me at 47... with the aid of a turkey baster and a helpful donation from a taxi driver.

As long as casual sex exists, there's really no need for women to settle down with us.

You're still a virgin! I've been practising in the bath!

I'm gonna phone Andy - get him round my house.

Fork him in the eye! No violence. I'll just tell him to leave Janet alone.

What if he cockdrops you?

See? I told you that was a word!

ThanksYou could've helped!

I'm not helping unless one of you kisses me!

Louise, you're a sick, sick pervo!

Being gay is not perverted, you fascist!

Pretending to be is, though! I'm not pretending - I'm deciding.

What's to decide? Which one of you I'll pull first!

It'd be like kissing me uncle!

Did I say I'd decided on you, little Miss I'm-a-big-gay-icon?

So you wanna snog Donna?

Oh, no! She smokes rollies. It'd be like kissing a darts player!

Thanks! That was a great boost

One of you, just snog me!

No! It'd be an experience!

No! Promise I won't tell!

For God's sake, no!

I'll give you £50.

Hey, Gaz! What? Draw!

Look at this! I can hear Louise's voice!

No, it's just the snakebite. I hear the Moomins most Saturdays.

Shh! Listen!

What you doing? I don't want to be a spy!

Yes, you do!

Wow! Oh! That's revolting!

That's brilliant!

Somebody should stop them.

If I'd known this would happen, I'd have worn drawstring trousers!

Well, I think that was a defining moment in our friendship.

Yes...yes, it was.

I don't think there was any need for tongues, though, Louise.

You got off lightly! Is that yours?

No, it's mine. Thanks. Oh.

Does anyone feel a bit gay?

I feel kind of weird. Sexy weird?

No, sicky weird. I've eaten too much corn.

Maybe if I flashed you a bit of leg... Louise, no!

What do you feel, Louise? I don't fancy either of you, if that's what you mean. That's good news!

Maybe I need someone a bit more sophisticated.

Maybe you're straight! Just a suggestionOh, God!

I'm going to have to face up the fact...I just don't fancy James!

Hello, arse carpet! Hello!

Johnny! Hello, Louise!

James...

We really need to talk.

No, we don't. You just sit down there and I'll stay here in my little bubble of ignorance!

James, come with me now!

Grrr! I like a feisty bird!

Gaz, did you teach him that?

No, but he taught me how to spit vertically and catch it in my mouth!

Come on!

What are these boxes? Donna's stuff.

Johnny? Johnny?

You don't mind if Donna stays for a few days? As long as you don't start snogging her.

Oh... You saw? Yeah.

I don't appreciate you being unfaithful, especially with a girl!

Makes me feel hurt... and painfully aroused.

Johnny, I got £50 for that!

So you're a prossie now?

I'm going out with a whore! This is a den of iniquity. Can I move in?

First you flout old boyfriends, now this! You're a shameless hussy! Phone him!

What? Phone Phwoar Andy! Bring him to me! I wanna sort this out like a man! Man to man!

Brotherhood Of Man...Isle of Man...

Have we got any cockdropping equipment?

- Why didn't you move in with me? - You wouldn't like it.

- It'd be polite to ask. - Gaz, can I stay with you for a few days?

- Can't you stay with Janet? - OK. - Problem solved.

Listen, right, a girl once told me I'd turned her into a lesbian.

Do you think, if I invited her over, you could do that thing you just did?

- Snog her? - Yeah!

And whatever else lesbians do, like present shows on Channel 4, etc.

- Minimum fee of £50. - £50?!

Who are you - Megamuff?

I've got to finish it, James.

Why?

Well, you see, the problem is...

I'm disgusted at the thought of having sex with you.

We don't need to have sex! I could be a trophy boyfriend, look pretty.

I couldn't have a relationship like that! You can! Look at the Queen!

I'm really sorry, James.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Can't believe it's over...

Oh...! Oh, come here!

James!

You can't blame a man for trying!

Now I'll have to pay for it!

Damn! I swore I'd never be like my father!

I hope by meeting Andy, you'll see I don't have any feelings for him any more! What if he has them for you?

If a girl had feelings for you, you wouldn't run off with her!

How big are this girl's tits? Argh!

You can't blame me for feeling insecure.

No-one's ever fancied YOU before! I don't like it! Cheers

KNOCKING That will be Andy.

This is Andy.

This is Andy?

This is Andy and, as you can see, he's not trying to fondle me.

Is he real?

Can we keep him?

I can't believe it!

He's just so precious!

Look! I love this man.

I love you, Andy!

Is this the one you said was phwoar, Donna?

I think he's been ill.

Gaz, get your coat! We're celebrating! Can we take Andy?

No, I insist that Andy stay here with Janet and Donna to show how much we trust them!

See you, mate.

Nice one.

DOOR CLOSES

Janet... Yes, Donna?

Who the hell is that?

Colin, from the chemist. He's always up for a laugh. ..Out you go! Shoo!

DOOR CLOSES

So, why didn't you ring Andy?

God, Donna! Andy's gorgeous!

I don't want to have to stop seeing him... What?

Johnny'll never find out.

I'm dying... Help me!

Feel my forehead. Is it hot?

No, it's slimy. I was sick on it.

Johnny!

Andy!

I wish Janet'd come home... She'd look after me properly.

Listen, Janet... I've heard, "Listen, Janet" before.

I know where it leads... I'll go...