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1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:03,920
One thousand pounds?
2
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:07,360
He's getting an engagement ring.
How d'you know?
3
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,760
He said we'd get married
when he had a bit of money.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:15,040
Why would you wanna get married?
Because you love someone?
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,480
Stupid!
6
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,000
I think that went very well.
7
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,520
This programme contains
adult humour.
8
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:38,280
with bubbles in it
9
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:44,200
handle anything stronger now
10
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,400
"Janet, my darling...
11
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:16,560
"I missed you so much since I've been
in London. I can't wait to come home
and give you all you desire.
12
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,600
"I can't stop thinking about
that night under the stars in Tenby.
13
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,920
"Janet, the thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
14
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,960
"All my love, Andy."
15
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:36,560
Hello, pumpkin-poo, what you up to?
Nothing you'd care about.
16
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,760
Are you still angry cos I won't
marry you? We're fine as we are!
17
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,160
It's not that. All right, then.
18
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,840
Are you trying to find my porn,
you silly little button?!
19
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,400
Told you - I'm not into that...
20
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,960
Don't throw away Granny Spanker!
It's me favourite!
21
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:59,440
Only cos it makes you think of
the Queen! Exactly - patriotic porn!
22
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,640
Want a drink? Yeah, all right.
23
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,800
"Janet, my darling...
24
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:17,720
"I missed you so much since I've been
in London. I can't wait to come home
and give you all you desire.
25
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:24,440
"I can't stop thinking about
that night under the stars in Tenby.
26
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:30,200
"Janet, the thought of you
keeps my heart warm every night.
27
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,680
"All my love, Andy."
28
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,440
Tea or coffee?
Er...coffee, black, four sugars.
29
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,880
That'll taste... Just do it, woman!
30
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,400
All right! Who's "Andee"?
31
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,280
Who? Andee - Tenby under the stars!
32
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,440
Oh, Andy?
He's just an old boyfriend.
33
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:56,280
How old? Michael Winner old? Please
don't be talking Michael Winner old!
34
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,520
Johnny, you stupid little fool, I
went out with him before I met you!
35
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:07,040
We were just kids, He had a crush on
me and we'd pretend to get married.
It's all silly, really.
36
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:13,000
Why did you keep his letter
if it's "all silly"? Nostalgia.
It's a bit of my childhood.
37
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,520
Really? Really!
38
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,120
Come here!
39
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:25,360
You really care about me, don't you,
you big lummock? Yeah!
40
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:40,960
What's it like being my girlfriend,
Wheezy? Did you just call me Wheezy?
41
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,280
Yeah. Short for Louise. I hate it.
42
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:48,280
What - being my girlfriend?
No, being called Wheezy!
43
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:52,280
Being your girlfriend's nice.
Don't you find me attractive?
44
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,400
Yeah, you're...quite pretty.
45
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:59,760
"Quite pretty"?
I'm a wildly sensual beast of a man!
46
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,920
What's your favourite bit?
47
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,560
You have a lovely, lovely...
48
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,560
..sense of wellbeing.
49
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,760
You've got to be attracted to me!
I'm wearing pheromones!
50
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,840
Smell my head!
It smells of monkey penises!
51
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,920
I'm fine, thanks.
52
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,640
So hard to tell
where the man's beard ends!
53
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,480
Hello, Mum.
54
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,840
Hi, sweetheart.
55
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,680
Christ, that man's beard's like...
56
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,160
Oh, I get it!
57
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,640
Exactly what I thought! Mum...?
58
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,400
Yes, my apple of my eye?
Why's all my stuff down here?
59
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,880
Cos you've got to move out. Sorry.
60
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:03,200
Are you serious? Why?
Sit down, petal.
61
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:10,040
There comes a time in a mother's
life when she not so much grows to
resent her children's presence...
62
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,200
it's more like...hate.
63
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,400
That's the word.
64
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:21,120
I get it! This is one of your little
jokes, like when I had hip-length
hair and you cut if off as I slept?
65
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:27,080
I need your room. I really do.
You're not pregnant?
66
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:34,800
Don't let one of God's miracles slide
through the valley of the shadow
of death! Don't call my vagina that!
67
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:40,760
Sorry. No, I'm not pregnant.
But I could be if I wanted!
I'm still fertile!
68
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:46,600
Yeah? I just have to smile
at a casually masturbating tramp
to get pregnant!
69
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,320
So what do you need my room for?
70
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,000
I'm becoming a masseuse!
71
00:05:53,000 --> 00:06:00,960
You're not even trained! You don't
have to be trained to run your hands
over some young man's naked body!
72
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,480
It's often women who want massages.
73
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,720
I'm not doing that!
74
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:10,560
Somebody else's cellulite flubbering
against my wedding ring? No!
75
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:15,440
So what if a woman asks for your
services? It's be a men-only service.
76
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,120
Where are you going to advertise?
I've thought about this.
77
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,480
Phone boxes.
78
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,960
"Exclusive men-only service.
Relaxed atmosphere.
79
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:36,840
"Let Floella stroke the life,
strife and wife out of you."
80
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,080
Good, eh?
81
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,360
Mum...? Yes, my little snagglepuss?
82
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,040
Why's it got my picture on it?
83
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,720
In a few years,
nobody's gonna have any little toes.
84
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,840
What - will everyone's toes
be really massive?
85
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,000
No...
86
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,360
No, I mean you smallest one, the last
one, there'll be no need for it,
87
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:22,160
cos we don't have to balance
as much as when we were apes.
88
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:27,840
Why not? Cos we sit in pubs now
or we lie down instead.
89
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:35,600
What about people that have to stand
up all day - like Carol Vorderman
on Countdown? Will she fall over?
90
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,880
I think so.
91
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,480
Unless they made her
a prosthetic toe!
92
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,600
A six-million dollar toe that could
see for miles and run dead fast!
93
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:49,000
I'm gonna get one of them.
MOBILE RINGS
94
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,560
That'll be Donna. We're in
textual contact all the time!
95
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,360
There you are!
96
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:58,640
"Bill unpaid. Contact provider."
Cheeky minx!
97
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,960
Gaz... Yes, mate?
98
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:09,520
Has Donna ever said anything to you
about her old boyfriends? Yeah...
99
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:16,280
Always buying her flowers,
taking her out, paying for drinks,
phoning unexpectedly... Tossers!
100
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:20,120
Has she ever said anything
about any of Janet's old boyfriends?
101
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,000
No. Sorry, pal. Oh...
102
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,480
Why, mate? Something wrong?
103
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,960
Well, I found this letter
from an old boyfriend of Janet's...
104
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,440
She says
it was over before she met me...
105
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,760
And? If it was really over,
why would she have kept the letter?
106
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,720
Johnny... Huh?
107
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:46,560
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, John...
108
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,600
Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...
109
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:54,120
Johnny... If you don't stop
saying my name, I'll cockdrop you!
110
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,640
You'll do what?
111
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,120
Cockdrop you.
112
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,720
That word don't even exist!
It was on Scrapheap Challenge!
113
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,440
You've got all the European games
of Liverpool in the '70s and '80s?
114
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,880
Yeah, they were doing well.
And it made you feel special?
115
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,600
Yeah, it made me feel good
and part of something big...
116
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,720
bigger than Pavarotti's arse.
117
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,600
So Janet's just keeping souvenirs
of a time she felt special.
118
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:26,560
Is that why you frame your best
jazz mags? Now you're getting it!
119
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:30,600
Jazz mags are different -
her ex is in the past,
120
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:35,080
but I can revisit Mrs Palm and
her five lovely daughters any time.
121
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:39,920
You don't think Janet
might want to revisit this Andy?
122
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,520
Oh, Johnny...
123
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:46,600
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny...
124
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,720
Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...
125
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,320
You want me to cockdrop you!
126
00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:00,720
It's just James is perfect for me
in every way.
127
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,600
You poor thing?
Want some camomile tea?
128
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,880
He's intelligent, smart,
sophisticated...
129
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,160
The hateful bastard!
130
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,880
And he's so Caucasian -
my father would beat me!
131
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:20,000
WonderfulThere's just one thing
wrong. What's that, then?
132
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,760
I don't feel the grrr!
You've got to feel the grrr!
DOOR SLAMS
133
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:29,520
Hello! Hello. My fags and booze stop.
Louise ain't feeling James's grrr.
134
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,320
I felt Gaz's grrr the night we met!
135
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:37,360
And he'll be here soon and he
wants me to find him raw and sexy!
136
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:42,240
What do you feel?
Well, he's kind of pale and clammy.
137
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,960
A learner! You're in luck.
Bet you're older than him.
138
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,720
By three months. How did you know?
139
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:53,200
Because by the sound of it, he needs
to be taught the ways of a woman!
140
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,720
Ooh!
141
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,960
I have taught him!
142
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:03,080
I tell him off for slouching,
I throw cups at him once a month,
I even nag - watch!
143
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:09,760
You watch too much football! You'll
turn into a football if you watch
that bloody football any more.
144
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,400
You love football more than me!
What's his team?
145
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,000
Oh, God, no! He hates football!
146
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,800
But one has to nag!
147
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:24,360
Not those ways of a woman! You've got
a student in the art of lurve!
148
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:31,160
You're spending too much time
with Gaz! The way you describe it,
he doesn't know how to turn you on.
149
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,880
You show him. Because he's so naive,
he won't ask for anything back.
150
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:39,880
So...if I ask him to visit
the fishmonger's on Friday...
151
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,680
I won't have to shop for cheese
on the Saturday.
152
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,880
God only hopes
you're talking in metaphor!
153
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,960
No!
154
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:59,280
He likes fish. I like cheese!
Sounds like the perfect match there,
mate
155
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:05,200
What you wanna do, right,
when he comes in, walk up to him,
look him in the eyes,
156
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,720
whisper what you're gonna do when you
get him home. That'll get you going.
157
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,840
Where are you getting this advice
from? Woman's Weekly.
158
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,320
Don't just tell you
how to bake the perfect brownie!
159
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,760
I really hope that's not a metaphor!
KNOCKING
160
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:26,720
You can come in if you've got
Pringles! I've got Corn Flakes
stuck to my T-shirt!
161
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,760
Come in. Cuppa tea? Yes, please.
162
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,080
Hi, James.
163
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,880
Hello, Louise.
164
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,880
SHE MOUTHS
165
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,240
You know
what I'm going to do to you tonight?
166
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,760
No...
167
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,600
oh...but I'd like you to tell me!
168
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,560
I'm going to make you
a huge shepherd's pie!
169
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,520
With real mash!
170
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,680
Oh! That's lovely.
171
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,400
Thanks, Louise,
that makes me feel so very...
172
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,840
hungry!
173
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,560
Hello, my little piss flap!
174
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,240
Hello!
175
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:20,080
You're in a good mood! Recovered
from this morning, jealous arse?
176
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:24,400
That was because I love you so much!
Enough to marry me?
177
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,600
Bugger, no!
178
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:33,600
But I do think
you should keep Andy's letter.
It's part of what makes you special.
179
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,160
What letter? Just a letter from
that Andy we went to school with.
180
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,160
What - Phwoar Andy?
181
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,400
God! I had such a crush on him!
182
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,840
Every time I sat next to him
in assembly, I'd leave a damp patch!
183
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,760
Mad, ain't it? I was saying to Andy
the other day how we've all changed.
184
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:59,280
The other day? I just bumped
into him in the pub - it's nothing.
185
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,960
You "just bumped into him"?!
186
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,520
"Just bumped into"
one of your old boyfriends?
187
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,040
How often do you "just bump into"
Andy?
188
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,680
I don't know...
Every couple of months or so.
189
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:17,160
You don't see me going round,
casually bumping into me exes!
190
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:22,960
Johnny, stop using the word "bump"!
Louise, I'm on Johnny's side here.
191
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:29,720
Thank you. In fact, we can all go
back to the pub and talk about you
and your bumping! Come on, James!
192
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,200
Don't take him! He wears tweed!
193
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,400
I've only got £70 on me as well,
so I can't really afford it.
194
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,160
Get up!
195
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:41,840
Johnny!
196
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,480
Anyone want to hear my news?
I didn't feel a thing.
197
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:52,040
I did the look, the whisper...
nothing. Want to hear my news?
198
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:55,720
It was like telling my brother
what I was making for his tea.
199
00:14:55,720 --> 00:15:00,960
Third and final... I felt nothing.
Bollocks! You're probably gay!
200
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,080
What do you mean - I'm gay?
201
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,560
It's the brown suit, isn't it?
202
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:12,320
Dump James and become a lesbian -
it clearly is your only option.
203
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,880
I did hear there's a lot of money
in lesbianism.
204
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:21,240
You are not a lesbian!
How do you know? I've never tried.
205
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:26,920
Have you ever felt
sexually attracted to a woman?
I always liked Fatima Whitbread.
206
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,280
Would you fancy me or Donna?
207
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,960
Oh, God, no! Us lipstick lesbians
are disgusted by you butch types!
208
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,440
Donna, what's your news?
209
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,360
My mum... I love hearing stories
about Donna's mother!
210
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:49,120
They're always full of gin
and sailors!
211
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,520
Just like Michael Portillo!
212
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:58,560
Have you got any temazepam to shut
her up? No, I fed the last of it
to that stray cat.
213
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:03,320
Oh, God! What happened?
Well, can you hear any miaowing?
214
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,200
My mum wants me to move out. Why?
215
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,040
So she can massage men for cash.
You could move in here.
216
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:16,840
Wouldn't Johnny mind?
He won't notice. Too busy making
that cyborg for Robot Wars. Oh...
217
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:22,000
How's that going? Well, it's just
a turnip with a light bulb in it.
218
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:26,000
But he's getting there, bless him.
He painted a face on it.
219
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,640
Will you help me get my stuff? Sure.
Louise, you coming? No...
220
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:37,240
I'm going to stay here and
think about all the wonderful things
Jennifer Lopez's bottom does.
221
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:49,960
What are you doing? I'm moving out,
remember? Like you asked me to.
222
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:54,840
What? No, you can't move out!
I've already done it - I'm gone!
223
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,000
What will I do without you?
224
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,360
Pummel the buttocks of Runcorn!
225
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:10,800
That's all fallen through!
Seems it's illegal to advertise in
phone boxes. British Telecom do it!
226
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:17,640
Mum, you'll be fine. And it really
is time I moved out - I'm nearly 22.
227
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,200
Where will you go?
228
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:24,880
Stay at Janet's for a few days,
then a little flat, probably...
229
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:30,200
You can't! People that live
in flats - they kill them!
230
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,120
And who is this "they"?
231
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,000
Communists!
232
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,440
Don't worry. My sister's here.
233
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:44,240
She's only 15! She can't drink
and smoke like you can!
234
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:48,800
She sits in her room all day
listening to Burt Bacharach! Weird!
235
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,800
She'll be fine. She'll stay with me
for a few days, then find a place.
236
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:58,120
See you. I'll give you a ring
in a bit, all right?
237
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,520
Bye.
238
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,080
This has been watered-down! Katie!
239
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:19,200
Find Andy and kick him into next
Tuesday! I'll do better than that!
240
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,520
What - Wednesday?
241
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,480
Go and get the drinks in, you!
242
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:29,520
Just because she bumped into an old
boyfriend doesn't mean doodly-twat.
243
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,800
Donna called him Phwoar Andy!
Yeah, that was well out of order.
244
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:41,960
I don't want to interrupt, Gazzy,
but I've heard you call every woman
we passed phwoar something-or-other.
245
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:48,400
It wasn't phwoar something-or-other!
It was, "Phwoar!
Love me big time, me bitches!"
246
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,400
Johnny...
247
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,920
Janet loves you very, very much.
248
00:18:54,920 --> 00:19:01,600
She twinkles like a fairy
when she looks at you. I know about
these things. I did aromatherapy.
249
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:08,440
Oi! Where's me peanuts?
Janet might go back off with him,
rekindle what they had together!
250
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:12,440
Good! You was laughing last week
about how you'd never marry her!
251
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,920
You could spend more time with me!
252
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,360
You're so romantic!
Go and get some chicken lips.
253
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,000
No-one gets married till they're 30
now! Women can have babies at 50!
254
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,240
Probably easier for them then.
255
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:33,480
Birth canal's all stretched
after a lifetime of large portions!
256
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,960
Chickens don't have lips!
257
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,920
And nobody told meI'm hurt!
258
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:45,960
My mother had me at 47...
with the aid of a turkey baster and a
helpful donation from a taxi driver.
259
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:52,000
As long as casual sex exists,
there's really no need for women
to settle down with us.
260
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,480
You're still a virgin!
I've been practising in the bath!
261
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:02,800
I'm gonna phone Andy -
get him round my house.
262
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:08,960
Fork him in the eye!
No violence. I'll just tell him
to leave Janet alone.
263
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,000
What if he cockdrops you?
264
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,720
See? I told you that was a word!
265
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,840
ThanksYou could've helped!
266
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:29,080
I'm not helping
unless one of you kisses me!
267
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,160
Louise, you're a sick, sick pervo!
268
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:36,560
Being gay is not perverted,
you fascist!
269
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,600
Pretending to be is, though!
I'm not pretending - I'm deciding.
270
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:45,360
What's to decide?
Which one of you I'll pull first!
271
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,880
It'd be like kissing me uncle!
272
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,640
Did I say I'd decided on you,
little Miss I'm-a-big-gay-icon?
273
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,000
So you wanna snog Donna?
274
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh, no! She smokes rollies.
It'd be like kissing a darts player!
275
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,280
Thanks! That was a great boost
276
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,120
One of you, just snog me!
277
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,760
No! It'd be an experience!
278
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,960
No! Promise I won't tell!
279
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,120
For God's sake, no!
280
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,840
I'll give you £50.
281
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,880
Hey, Gaz! What? Draw!
282
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,680
Look at this!
I can hear Louise's voice!
283
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,640
No, it's just the snakebite.
I hear the Moomins most Saturdays.
284
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,360
Shh! Listen!
285
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,320
What you doing?
I don't want to be a spy!
286
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,120
Yes, you do!
287
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,520
Wow! Oh! That's revolting!
288
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,480
That's brilliant!
289
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,400
Somebody should stop them.
290
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,920
If I'd known this would happen,
I'd have worn drawstring trousers!
291
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,160
Well, I think that was
a defining moment in our friendship.
292
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,880
Yes...yes, it was.
293
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:08,640
I don't think there was any need
for tongues, though, Louise.
294
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,880
You got off lightly! Is that yours?
295
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,840
No, it's mine. Thanks. Oh.
296
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,520
Does anyone feel a bit gay?
297
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,000
I feel kind of weird. Sexy weird?
298
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,720
No, sicky weird.
I've eaten too much corn.
299
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:34,960
Maybe if I flashed you
a bit of leg... Louise, no!
300
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:42,000
What do you feel, Louise? I don't
fancy either of you, if that's
what you mean. That's good news!
301
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,760
Maybe I need
someone a bit more sophisticated.
302
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:50,040
Maybe you're straight!
Just a suggestionOh, God!
303
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:54,760
I'm going to have to face up
the fact...I just don't fancy James!
304
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:05,360
Hello, arse carpet! Hello!
305
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,600
Johnny! Hello, Louise!
306
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,560
James...
307
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,720
We really need to talk.
308
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:20,800
No, we don't. You just sit down
there and I'll stay here
in my little bubble of ignorance!
309
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,800
James, come with me now!
310
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,680
Grrr! I like a feisty bird!
311
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,880
Gaz, did you teach him that?
312
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,760
No, but he taught me how to spit
vertically and catch it in my mouth!
313
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,640
Come on!
314
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,680
What are these boxes? Donna's stuff.
315
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,640
Johnny? Johnny?
316
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:49,800
You don't mind if Donna stays
for a few days? As long
as you don't start snogging her.
317
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,440
Oh... You saw? Yeah.
318
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,880
I don't appreciate you being
unfaithful, especially with a girl!
319
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:01,640
Makes me feel hurt...
and painfully aroused.
320
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,560
Johnny, I got £50 for that!
321
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,440
So you're a prossie now?
322
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:12,200
I'm going out with a whore! This is
a den of iniquity. Can I move in?
323
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:18,200
First you flout old boyfriends,
now this! You're a shameless hussy!
Phone him!
324
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:24,920
What? Phone Phwoar Andy! Bring him
to me! I wanna sort this out
like a man! Man to man!
325
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,280
Brotherhood Of Man...Isle of Man...
326
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,360
Have we got
any cockdropping equipment?
327
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:35,920
- Why didn't you move in with me?
- You wouldn't like it.
328
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:40,680
- It'd be polite to ask.
- Gaz, can I stay with you
for a few days?
329
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,360
- Can't you stay with Janet?
- OK.
- Problem solved.
330
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:49,480
Listen, right, a girl once told me
I'd turned her into a lesbian.
331
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:54,040
Do you think, if I invited her over,
you could do that thing you just did?
332
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,320
- Snog her?
- Yeah!
333
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:01,360
And whatever else lesbians do,
like present shows on Channel 4, etc.
334
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,520
- Minimum fee of £50.
- £50?!
335
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,640
Who are you - Megamuff?
336
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,520
I've got to finish it, James.
337
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,600
Why?
338
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,600
Well, you see, the problem is...
339
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:24,240
I'm disgusted at the thought
of having sex with you.
340
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:29,920
We don't need to have sex! I could be
a trophy boyfriend, look pretty.
341
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:34,400
I couldn't have a relationship like
that! You can! Look at the Queen!
342
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,440
I'm really sorry, James.
343
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,720
I think I'm gonna cry.
344
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,760
Can't believe it's over...
345
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,960
Oh...! Oh, come here!
346
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,560
James!
347
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:56,160
You can't blame a man for trying!
348
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,480
Now I'll have to pay for it!
349
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:02,520
Damn!
I swore I'd never be like my father!
350
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:16,040
I hope by meeting Andy, you'll see I
don't have any feelings for him any
more! What if he has them for you?
351
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:20,240
If a girl had feelings for you,
you wouldn't run off with her!
352
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,520
How big are this girl's tits? Argh!
353
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:27,640
You can't blame me
for feeling insecure.
354
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:31,480
No-one's ever fancied YOU before!
I don't like it! Cheers
355
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,760
KNOCKING
That will be Andy.
356
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,120
This is Andy.
357
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,320
This is Andy?
358
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:57,240
This is Andy and, as you can see,
he's not trying to fondle me.
359
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:00,560
Is he real?
360
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,440
Can we keep him?
361
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,160
I can't believe it!
362
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,400
He's just so precious!
363
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,480
Look! I love this man.
364
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,760
I love you, Andy!
365
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,760
Is this the one you said was phwoar,
Donna?
366
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,880
I think he's been ill.
367
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:27,120
Gaz, get your coat!
We're celebrating! Can we take Andy?
368
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:33,600
No, I insist that Andy stay here
with Janet and Donna
to show how much we trust them!
369
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,320
See you, mate.
370
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,320
Nice one.
371
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,080
DOOR CLOSES
372
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,800
Janet... Yes, Donna?
373
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,440
Who the hell is that?
374
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:56,600
Colin, from the chemist. He's always
up for a laugh. ..Out you go! Shoo!
375
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,600
DOOR CLOSES
376
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,120
So, why didn't you ring Andy?
377
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,680
God, Donna! Andy's gorgeous!
378
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,520
I don't want
to have to stop seeing him... What?
379
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,440
Johnny'll never find out.
380
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,600
I'm dying... Help me!
381
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,960
Feel my forehead. Is it hot?
382
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,840
No, it's slimy. I was sick on it.
383
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:25,960
Johnny!
384
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,520
Andy!
385
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:37,520
I wish Janet'd come home...
She'd look after me properly.
386
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:41,000
Listen, Janet...
I've heard, "Listen, Janet" before.
387
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,600
I know where it leads... I'll go...
32884
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