Original subtitles

YOU'RE not pregnant, are you? Bingo.

I had this weird dream last night that Donna had a baby...

I got my dates mixed up.

I'm not pregnant. At all.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger

Me and Gaz have decided to move on a step.

You're getting engaged? No.

You're gonna move in together? No.

What, then? We're gonna have a conversation.

You're not ready for it! A conversation will be the end of you!

What's it gonna be about? I haven't a clue. Every question I ask him is answered by "Manchester City".

If I was honest, I'd have to say Manchester City.

Gaz... What?

Just check that for me a second.

Jesus bollockin' shite!

I've found him. Ever since I was little, I wanted a posh bloke, and now I've got one!

How did you meet this posh bloke?

His name's James and I didn't really "meet" him.

What d'you mean you didn't really meet him?

I didn't need to. I just said, "Are you posh?"

He said, "Posh-ish," which is like such a posh thing to say!

So I said, "I'll have you, then."

You can't do that. Why? It worked.

That's like really sexist.

Hello, Donna. I'm a woman. Women CAN'T be sexist.

"I'll have you, then." That's treating him like an object, like a jumper or a...cornflake.

Be businesslike. You can't go around falling in love all over the place.

I did. Or letting your friends set you up.

I did. That's why you wound up with a lanky streak of piss and a bloke whose knuckles skim the ground.

One...thousand...pounds.

One...thousand...pounds.

What d'you reckon one...thousand...pounds looks like?

Like...

God.

You've never seen God. Never seen a thousand pound before!

Never seen a mountain goat. Don't make it God. It could have powers.

Like what? The ability to change shoes quickly.

What shall I spend it on? The world's your oyster, mate.

You could buy oysters! They're really expensive. It could be loads of little cheap things.

Yes, I like the sound of that. Sounds like my kind of evening.

Would these little cheap things be wearing spandex?

Or a holiday. Where are we going?

I couldn't take YOU. I'm great on holiday. I've got Trivial Pursuit - Junior.

Janet'd kill me. Don't tell her.

She'd wonder where I'd been for two weeks. Tell her you've been working away on like a top secret mission.

For one, I've not been a spy since I was eight and I videoed your sister taking a dump.

And two, where would the money be that I'd got for the supposed work?

Duh! You've just won a grand!

Have you been taking drugs?

You could buy drugs with it! I don't take drugs.

You could sell 'em. To who? To me. And I could like sell 'em on for you.

Where will you find the money for a grand's worth of drugs? It just so happens...

I know a bloke who's just won a thousand pounds.

How you want it to be

'Cos I need to know now

Guess who! I guess by the smell of ale and breath mints it's Mr Trebor, after the magic. Gizza kiss!

Don't! You'll wreck it. Don't fight it. Get off!

I knew a man who could undo your bra with one hand while ripping your knickers off with his teeth.

Mum, we were just... Making sweet lurve.

I had an itch. Gary was scratching it. I've had those itches. No need to explain.

Can we have some privacy, please?

Gary, how are you? All right. What were you saying, Donna? How's that flat of yours?

She loves it there. She always comes home with a lovely post-coital flush. Don't you, love?

Leave us alone for a minute. No.

Why? Because I've got nobody to talk to.

Sorry, Mum.

Besides, there's no telling what Gary could do to my linen cloth with his '70s funk. '70s funk?

Rhyming slang, Gary. We're not gonna do it on the table. We're trying to have a conversation.

No, don't. You have a relationship based on lust. Never lose that.

I do wanna get to know Donna properly. Oh.

I don't wanna have any secrets from him.

Oh, really? So presumably you've told him about your downstairs vanity regime? Well, no.

Gary, she has to visit a salon twice a month for her bikini line doing.

Pubes grow half way down her legs. Mum!

"Minge Fringe" they called her at school.

A thousand pounds! Oh, my God!

What are we gonna spend it on? Clothes, horses...?

I know - we can invest it. In clothes horses!

Gaz wanted to buy drugs with it.

That's naughty.

Er...I mean, bad dude, gangstery motherflipper.

You could fumigate the house. Get rid of the smell of kippers.

Kippers? Yeah, it's like living in a rotten front bottom.

Jonny shouldn't be pressured into spending his money, and I'll say the same to Gaz.

It's your money alone and nobody, not even me, has the right to tell you how to spend it.

You deserve this. Enjoy it while it lasts. Oh, that's well smart of you.

I'll just phone Camelot. Yeah.

He'll buy me an engagement ring. How d'you know?

He said we'd get married when he had money.

Hello? Don't let on to anyone. Hiya.

All right, rich lass? Can't I tell Donna? Tell me what?

That...I fell over. Oh. Busted.

Right, we've gotta celebrate this.

I'll go shopping tomorrow and throw us a big dinner party.

Hey, we can have our conversation. Great.

Can't I come, too? Yes. Bring your new boyfriend. I'll make my famous beef curtains.

I don't know if James can come. Ask him. If you don't ask, you don't get.

Jonny, can I have £500? No. He can only say no.

Ask who where? I'm throwing a dinner party to celebrate.

You buy the food. Can we have peas?

I'll be buying. Jonny shouldn't be pressured into spending his money.

He should spend it on something he really, really loves.

They won a thousand pounds, so the food should be good.

You could buy the Smiths back catalogue with that. Will they?

I think Jonny'll spend it on an engagement ring.

D'you think we'll get married and have some sex?

Not sure about the first. We hardly know each other. The second's a cert?

Come on, my son!

James, can you NOT do that in front of me, please? Sorry.

Louise... Yes, James?

When? When what?

When can we do it? I'm not sure. I'll ask the girls and find out when they did it with their boyfriends.

I hope they're both slags. Aw, that's so sweet!

They are, actually.

Can you stop it?

No. I'm making a cigarette army.

You killed Joe! You don't have to be nervous around me.

Ask me what you want. Ask anything. All right.

What's your favourite colour?

Might as well ask me if I like breasts.

What was your last girlfriend like?

Oh, she was a dream.

Like a real angel. You know, she was like the most perfect thing you could imagine.

And her personality. Don't even get me started on that!

I'll try not to.

What was your last boyfriend like? Short. Oh.

Why did you split up with the angel?

I was shagging her sister.

When did you lose your virginity? Em...when I was 12.

With a real woman. 17. But the doll was really realistic. It had a face like that.

Well, that's pleasant.

You can stop now. So, what's your family like?

Two older sisters, 'Tasha and Julie. They spoiled me when I was little,

cuddled me, told me stories. I love me sisters.

Can I meet 'em? No! They'd hate you.

Why? They hate all me girlfriends. They're protective in case I get hurt, cos I'm sensitive.

I'm like a candle in the wind.

There you are, look. What?

We're having a conversation.

No, I just told you a couple of things and you told me... Oh, yeah.

We don't need Janet's dinner party. We're fine on our own. Yeah.

Yep. Yeah.

Wey-hey. ..Cowabunga!

Hubba bubba!

What's your favourite colour?

You said "hubba bubba" to him?

Yeah, I did.

There's only one thing for it. He'll have to get himself a conversation prostitute.

What?

It's the exact opposite of a normal prostitute.

He pays her to moan, nag and pick fault with him.

Then he gives you a fiver for sex.

Gary don't pay me to have sex with him, Mum. Have I taught you nothing?

Hold out long enough, you make a fortune.

Conversational prostitutes don't even exist. Exactly. So don't tell anybody till I've patented the idea.

You? Floella Henshaw, the thinking man's strumpet. Shouldn't that be "thinking man's crumpet"?

It's like crumpet, only less crusty.

I don't mind being coated in butter, if the conversation calls for it.

Hiya. Hiya.

What we having for dinner tomorrow? A chicken.

Just a chicken? No, a super-chicken. It has a cape.

D'you want me to have a bath, as we're celebrating? Celebrating?

Are you planning something special? Just celebrating that money I won. Oh, right. The money.

Yeah... The money.

Are you excited?

Constantly.

No, I mean being with me on our first proper date, alone.

We won't BE alone, though.

By the way, before we get there,

I want you to know I won't check out anybody else's wobbly bits. Aw!

You're so polite. Only proper to let you know.

James... Yeah?

Do you love me yet?

OK.

Perfect!

Jonny!

Mm? What d'you think you're doing?

I'm just eating me six o'clock sandwich.

I've made you a scrumptious feast. I need to keep sustained. Got something important to do later.

Really? To do with that money I won and what I'm gonna do with it.

Oh, Jonny, that is so romantic!

Why? Well, you know. Do I?

Of course you do, my pretty little bucket of bunny heads.

OK, you lovely vat of pigs' testes.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, that'll be people! Unless it's lobsters!

Coming!

Louise! Thank you, thank you. Mwah!

You must be James. Come, come. Mwah!

James, James, I am Janet and tonight I shall be serving you meat.

I'm going to be serving Louise some meat tonight, too.

May I take your hats and cloaks to the boudoir?

We're not wearing hats and cloaks.

I told you to. It's not a proper dinner party without cloaks.

James, this is Jonny. He'll be your host for this evening. Hi, Jonny.

Louise is gonna have sex with me.

He's a sex monster.

Hi, James. Um...good for you.

I'm not lying. I'm gonna get some hot loving, as you guys would say.

I can swear I would never say that.

Hello! James, this is Donna. Hello.

Oh, the one with the problem pubes.

And this is Gaz.

I'm having sex tonight, Gazzy. Not with me, you're not.

No, with me. It's going to be beautiful.

And rampant.

Something smells nice, Janet. Oh, that's me. I had a bath.

It's a special occasion. Why?

Is it me having some sex?

I don't think everyone needs to know about that.

They're blokes, I'm a bloke. It's what we talk about.

What IS the special occasion?

Well, you know, Jonny. Your announcement. Oh. Oh, yeah.

About the money? Yes. Gonna invest in my new business?

Nobody wants pork-flavoured ice.

Americans would. They buy anything, them.

This is going swimmingly. Shall we go through?

Have you finished? May I take that, please?

I would never say no to a woman with children. There must be loads of give.

Could we talk about something else? This is Janet's first dinner party.

It's my first time, too. What're we supposed to do?

Innit that thing we did in the pub? Fitting ten beer mats in our mouths?

No, that em...conversation thing. Oh.

Well, go on, then.

Donna's favourite colour's blue. So is Gaz's.

You two have so much in common.

Why don't we play a game? Good idea.

Everyone's doing this in the student rec. Take your first pet's name and your mother's maiden name

and it gives you your '70s porn star name.

Jon Suchet.

You named your first pet after yourself? Yeah. Jon.

Jon the fish.

Maybe that's not a good game. What are you playing?

Your '70s porn star name. I don't like that game.

Only cos yours is Fluffy Muff!

Can we play something else? Can I have some more wine? Yes.

I know. Why don't we play Spin The Bottle?

James! I've promised myself to you.

Are you going to repay me by sniffing around my best friends? Yes.

We could play Truth Or Dare.

To be honest, I'd have to say Manchester City.

All right, my turn. James... Mm? Truth or dare?

Truth.

OK. When did you last have sex?

I don't know about the sex! Where's my glass?

Did he just say, "I don't know about the sex?" I think he did.

James, are you still a virgin?

Louise promised me some sex. Well, where's the sex?

So he's a sex monster, is he, Louise?

Well, he SAID he was. Oh, God, he's never done it.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'll have to show him which buttons to press.

You've got buttons to press?

I could type in my phone number and you'd be spent.

What am I gonna do?

Get him to do whatever you want. It's a golden opportunity.

He won't have bad habits, like wearing a balaclava. You like that. Course I do.

Jonny, isn't it time you made your announcement? I'll get the Lambrini.

James, get off the floor.

Is it my turn? James, lick my feet.

DELIGHTED GIGGLE James, bark like a dog.

Ruff! Ruff!

I like virgins.

My turn. Jonny - truth or dare?

Truth. OK.

When are you going to ask your girlfriend to marry you so we can go back to my place and enjoy me?

Don't do it, Jon! Why would you think I was gonna propose?

Janet thought you were. Why would I do that?

Thank the Lord Jesus and his seven dwarves!

"Do you, Jonny, take this dinner-party obsessed freak...?"

"Do you take this unemployed...?"

You just wouldn't. Getting married is what parents and perverts do.

Why would you get married? Because you love someone.

That's just stupid!

You hate the idea of marriage? Of them getting married. Imagine their kids.

Imagine his face on her tits.

I often do.

If you're like this at a dinner party, what'll you be like at OUR wedding,

or at little Fantiki's wedding?

Who the buggery farts is Fantiki?

Duh! Our first born.

So all women care about is having babies?

Duh! I'm going. Gaz, get yourself a conversational prostitute. I don't wanna talk to you any more.

Sorry about your party. It's OK.

Next time I'll know to invite quality people like your mum and...Jordan.

Conversational prostitute. Does that mean she's good at oral?

Gaz, you've wrecked this. I tried to talk to you like an adult.

You just act like a child.

TALKS IN SILLY VOICE

Where's James gone?

A little to the left, James. Ooh! I like YOU.

Louise...get out! Everybody, just get out!

SHE SOBS

Well, I think that went very well.

Hello, Psycho-Bird. Hello, Slagheap.

What're you doin' here? What're YOU doin' here?

I just come here to think. Yeah. Me, too.

What about?

Well, naked ladies, but you're here now so I suppose I'm going to have to think about "our relationship".

You don't HAVE to.

Our different views on marriage don't mean we can't trundle along.

I'm not against marriage, I'm just scared. It reminds me of getting old.

It was better when we were 13 and everyone just got pregnant.

Just, marriage is a bit...

What d'you think Jonny did with the money? Dunno.

Could've bought an internet baby. Or a farm.

You can't buy a farm with a grand.

An ant farm.

Don't you think it's strange how we ended up in the same place tonight?

It's our special place. Why's that?

The first place we ate cod together. A nice euphemism.

What? Well, I'm not talking about the chippy tea we had. I'm...

I'm talking about the first time we "ate cod...together".

Oh! ..Oh...all right. All right.

You in the mood for a bit of fish supper, then?

Come on. What is so important? I've got a surprise for everyone. Is it ring-shaped? No. Come on!

Where is he? I don't know. He said meet him here. What d'you think it'll be?

I bet it's loads of jelly. Shut up.

It'll be a new car.

He can't drive. I can't either. Maybe he's bought me driving lessons. He's just met you.

But we connected. There's real electricity there.

Maybe he'll write a message in the sky. "I love you, Janet. Will you marry me?"

What's everyone looking at? Just waiting for Jonny...

Where's our surprise, Jonny? It's this way. Come on.

There you go.

Come on, let's play a game, everybody! Isn't that Bungle?

Yeah. I hired him with me winnings. He comes with a free bouncy castle.

That's pure genius.

What are you gonna do with a man in a bear costume?

I hadn't really thought that far.

Come and play with me, Jonny! All right.

Let's bounce him up and down till he throws up!

Bounce me, Jonny, bounce me!

I've never been bounced like THIS before.

Ooh, faster, Gaz, faster!

"Can't stop thinking about that night under the stars in Tenby, Janet.

"The thought of you keeps my heart warm every night.

"All my love, Andy."

You don't think Janet might wanna revisit this Andy? Oh, Jonny.

He wants me to find him raw and sexy.

What do you feel? Well, he's pale and clammy.

You were talking to Andy? I just bumped into him.