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1
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This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour
2
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How could you let this happen?
3
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:11,400
I thought you kept the alcohol level
in your blood too high to conceive.
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,720
Jonny?
5
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,960
Mm? I'm not pregnant.
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,360
Oh, thank fuck for that.
7
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:24,240
You know the situation that Janet
found herself in? Well, nearly.
8
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,760
Yeah?
9
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,080
Well, I just think you should
know... Hold on.
10
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,160
I've a surprise for you. Have you?
11
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,360
Wait there.
12
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:54,240
with bubbles in it
13
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:59,080
I can't handle anything stronger now
14
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,680
Janet?
15
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,480
Janet?
16
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,280
Janet?
17
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,080
Why is that tree
attacking our house?
18
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,800
Janet!
19
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,040
Janet!
20
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,040
GLASS SMASHES
21
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,640
That's Donna.
22
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,280
Should we approach her? Well...
23
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,840
Aaaaagh!
24
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,840
Aaagh! Gaz!
25
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,840
Gaz! Gaz!
26
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:26,560
Gaz! What's the matter?
Why have you been crying?
27
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:31,000
Why was Gaz naked?
Why didn't I get a proper look?
28
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000
Janet, it's awful.
29
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,600
Come on. You'd better come in.
30
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,640
Gaz! Gaz!
31
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:42,280
Gaz, will you stop?
32
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:46,480
What's wrong?
What's the matter with you?
33
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:50,520
Cover yourself up. You'll get
frostbite in your nipples.
34
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:54,320
They'll drop off.
You'll look like Action Man.
35
00:02:54,320 --> 00:03:02,280
What's wrong? You found out Janet
isn't pregnant. I was happy, but I
didn't run off in my undercrackers.
36
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:06,920
I found out the exact opposite.
Janet IS pregnant? No! Donna is.
37
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,800
Technically, that's not
the exact opposite.
38
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:17,320
Did you hear what I said? I know
Donna's pregnant and everything,
but... Oh, bugger.
39
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,440
There. A cup of tea will sort you.
40
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,960
Janet, I'm in serious trouble.
41
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,000
Why? Been caught shoplifting?
42
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,160
Yeah, but that was years ago.
43
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,920
What, then?
YOU'RE not pregnant, are you?
44
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,000
Bingo.
45
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,160
Oh, bugger.
46
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,320
She's definitely pregnant?
47
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:55,560
I think so.
She's definitely hinting at it.
48
00:03:55,560 --> 00:04:00,000
Well...maybe she's faking it
to get you to marry her.
49
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:07,240
How is she going to fake being
pregnant? I don't know. She could
eat lots of pies for nine months.
50
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:12,760
Right. On her due date, she takes
a huge dump on the delivery table.
51
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,240
"It appears Mr Kipling's
the father."
52
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:21,680
Or she could hide her periods
from you. Where? In the fridge?
53
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:26,320
That's one black pudding
you don't want to come across.
54
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:33,080
Or she could just wear
really big pants. Giganta-Pants.
I could start marketing them.
55
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,160
What are you talking about?
56
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:41,440
If Janet really was pregnant,
then I'd have to, you know...
57
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,200
Stop sponging off society.
58
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,760
I was going to say "get a job".
59
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:54,280
You haven't got any qualifications.
I have a degree in fun
and a master's in hellraising.
60
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,520
Frigging fool.
61
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,560
Well, YOUR girlfriend's up the duff.
62
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,000
What is a duff?
63
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:07,760
I'm not sure. I think it's a cross
between a puff and a duck.
64
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:14,000
A gay mallard? "Your girlfriend's
up the gay mallard"
doesn't have the same ring.
65
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,120
You have to talk to Gaz.
Have you tried talking to Gaz?
66
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:24,480
It's a series of grunts and farts
before he falls asleep.
Sounds like sex to me.
67
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,160
We never got round
to the talking thing.
68
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,400
What do you use? Semaphore? No.
69
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:39,200
I go to his flat and we do it and I
have a cheese barm and he cleans up
the whipped cream and I go home.
70
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,280
So all you do is have sex? Yeah.
71
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:48,360
And he does all the cleaning? Yeah.
You don't have to watch football?
No.
72
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,880
You lucky wanker.
73
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,360
Rock me, Amadeus!
74
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,720
Aaagh!
75
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,960
Get off me, man! YOU get off ME!
76
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,720
God, am I that irresistible, eh?
77
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:28,200
You cuddled me. Your hair smells
of macadamia nuts. Very inviting.
78
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,160
Oh, Gaz! You're cuddly, like a bear.
79
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:37,160
Stop it. All right, a heterosexual
bear with claws and a moustache.
80
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,920
Gaz! Let's forget this happened.
81
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,080
We've both got girlfriends.
This is a sleepy accident.
82
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,400
Right. OK. Sweetie.
83
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,320
Get off!
I say we've both got girlfriends.
84
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,120
Yours ran away cos you're a baby.
85
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:57,040
You haven't got a job.
I'll get one. Where?
86
00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:02,280
What I need is something physical,
yet creative. Challenging, yet...
87
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,160
bootelicious.
88
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,920
You're going to strip, aren't you?
89
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:13,000
You won't get a job. You love Kilroy
and Watercolour Challenge too much.
90
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:18,840
You won't phone Donna cos you like
being a cowardy custard too much.
91
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:26,480
Why do you think I should phone her?
When I thought Janet was pregnant,
I ignored it and it went away.
92
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:33,080
I'd say that's a good rule for
most problems. Sounds good to me.
93
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,920
KNOCK AT DOOR
It's Donna.
94
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:40,320
Hide me, Jonny. Jonny, hide me.
95
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,360
Get in there. Don't be stupid, man!
96
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,880
I can't have this baby.
It's gonna ruin my life.
97
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:58,320
Donna, think about the benefits.
Yeah. Love, satisfaction, pride.
98
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:05,120
No, the benefits.
Child benefit, family credit, dole,
housing benefit. That's just wrong.
99
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:12,160
No, we've given plenty to our
country. With tax on fags and beer,
it's time we got summat back.
100
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:19,480
I'll talk to my mum. There's a
council house with your name on it.
Inside bog if you have twins. Good.
101
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:24,680
And if the twins are by different
fathers, the sky's the limit. Nice.
102
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,040
Gaz! I know you're in there.
103
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:37,080
Your pheromones
are interfering with me.
104
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,640
Ow!
105
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:47,000
All right, Louise? Hello, Jonny.
Hand, please.
106
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,920
The poverty!
What do you want, Louise?
107
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,840
I came to see Donna. Is she here?
108
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,320
No, she's not. Oh. You'll do, then.
109
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:07,160
I had this weird dream last night
that Donna had a baby...
110
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:11,720
What? You're psychic.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
111
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,320
Man, that's well scary.
The baby was cute, wasn't it?
112
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,120
It had the head of a walrus.
113
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:23,960
It's not mine. Donna's done it
with marine life behind my back.
114
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,160
This has happened before.
I knew my gift would return,
115
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,440
ever since I was 13
116
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:37,080
and I dreamt I saw
cornflakes and milk and there was
an overpowering smell of ammonia.
117
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,080
So? Well...
118
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,520
the next morning I awoke,
drifted down for breakfast,
119
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,960
and on the table was cornflakes.
And guess what else.
120
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,280
Kriss Akabusi? No.
121
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,640
Milk.
122
00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:01,080
What about the smell of ammonia?
My great aunt was visiting.
123
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:05,320
She's always pissing herself.
Such a character.
124
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,240
You've really done it this time.
125
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,520
I know. I've failed you.
126
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:21,920
No, you've done it. I thought
you were a virgin. Well done.
127
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,720
Mum...? Hey.
128
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:31,040
I bet he's into S & M.
I could lend you my rubber catsuit.
You'd have to disinfect it.
129
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,520
Did you not hear what I said?
I'm pregnant.
130
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:43,560
Did you not hear what I said? It's
rubber. It'll stretch to full term.
This is deadly serious.
131
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,960
I need you to be there for me.
132
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,160
What do you think of my hair? Mum!
133
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,440
All right.
It is lovely, though, isn't it?
134
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,600
Right... Do you know your due date?
135
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:04,800
I've not seen the doctor. You need
to know for when your waters break.
136
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:12,800
Really? Oh, yeah. That Wimpey's
still got a "slippery floor" sign up
22 years after. Ew, Mum...
137
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:19,960
And never trust the salad bar.
They might have a sneeze guard but
it's no match for embryotic fluid.
138
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,800
Wooooooo...
139
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,600
Woooo...
140
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,040
Woooooo...
141
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,880
THEY IMITATE HER
142
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:48,000
Hiya. Hi. Ssh.
What are you all doing?
Gaz, why aren't you with Donna?
143
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,760
Come and see. Come here. Louise,
do it again. This is amazing.
144
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,080
Oh, God, is she going to dance? Ssh.
145
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,080
Last night I dreamt
that Donna was pregnant.
146
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,680
My God, how did you know that?
147
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:12,680
I'm psychic. I often suspected I was
ever since an old gypsy woman touched
my face and said that I was gifted.
148
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:19,840
That was my nan.
And she didn't say you were gifted,
she said you were a git.
149
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:25,000
She IS psychic. Louise, predict
next week's Lottery numbers. Yeah.
150
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,600
That is one thing
us psychics cannot do.
151
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:34,560
Why's that? Because it's 14 million
to one odds. Christ, are you thick?
152
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,920
I'll prove it.
153
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,960
Louise, tell me what I'm thinking.
154
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:49,560
You dirty Gertie! See? All right,
Louise, what am I thinking?
155
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:56,720
That you should really stop
being such a scruffy tramp and get
yourself a bloody job, you big scav.
156
00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:01,160
See? The spirits work
in strange ways.
157
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,200
You're gonna get a job?
I've got this idea...
158
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:10,720
Shut up. What did Donna say to you?
About what? About go-karts
159
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:15,800
The spirits are telling me
he's asking about the baby, Janet.
160
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:20,760
And are these spirits called "duh"
and "obviously", Louise?
161
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,720
Did she say anything about me?
162
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:29,960
You're the father. She's sure?
She could have sat on something.
163
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:35,760
No, Gaz, she didn't say anything
about sitting on an ejaculating man.
164
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:41,080
Did she say what she's going to do?
You don't know? She's the woman.
165
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:45,760
Yeah, and you're the man.
That's pronounced, "you da man".
166
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:51,800
Gaz... She's had to go to her mum
for support on this one.
167
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:59,680
God, can you remember the last time
you communicated with Donna? Yeah,
I remember the exact conversation.
168
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:03,720
I said, "Yes."
And she said, "Yes, yes."
169
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,560
Then I said, "Oh, baby, yes."
170
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:11,600
Then she said, "Yes."
Then I rebuttalled with, "Yes."
171
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:16,160
Then she said, "Yes...yes...yes!"
And I said,
172
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,720
"Pass the tissues." She said, "Yes."
173
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,880
Not the deepest of relationships.
174
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:28,480
Have you ever taken her on a date?
No, but she's never taken me on one.
175
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,560
Equality card! Well played, Gaz.
Jonny, time you did the ironing.
176
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,320
Damn you, equality card.
Jonny, wait!
177
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:42,360
I have a message for you
from the other side. Oh, yeah?
178
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:47,880
It's about your job.
I see you dressed in a black suit.
179
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,280
There is a crowd around you.
180
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:55,480
People are giving you money
and your face is solemn and ashen.
181
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,000
What? Like a bank manager?
182
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,600
No, no, hold on. I think I know
what Louise is saying.
183
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:07,240
Yeah. The spirits have spoken
and I must follow.
184
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,880
You big tosser.
185
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,640
Gaz, go and see Donna.
186
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:17,960
Why? You've got to get to know
the mother of your child better.
187
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,480
You big tosser.
188
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:31,280
Once you could smoke in front
of pregnant women. Not now.
189
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:38,240
My mother smoked through pregnancy.
Never did her any harm. Mum,
you've got six toes on each foot.
190
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,720
How long does this thing take?
191
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:48,080
Two minutes. One line for "no"
and two for "yeah".
You're pregnant. I can see.
192
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,560
The pregnancy glow already?
193
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:56,160
No, your ankles are puffy. They need
draining or shooting or something.
194
00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:01,720
Mum? Like grapefruits on a knitting
needle. Test's ready. Have a look.
195
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:07,160
No way. I've had nothing to do with
your urine for 20 years. Fine!
196
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,680
I can't tell.
197
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,120
Oh, let's see.
198
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:20,360
No, I can't, either.
That could be a water line.
199
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:24,240
Yeah. Or you could be a BIT pregnant.
200
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:29,080
Just the inciest bit.
I have to go to the doctor's.
201
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,320
No. No.
202
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,360
No.
203
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,800
When did you last have sex?
204
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:40,040
I'm not telling you. Whatever.
I'll work it out.
205
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:44,160
You waxed your bikini line
two Wednesdays past.
206
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,400
How do you know that?
207
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:53,080
I've no special interest.
Your old Immac strips
stick to the waste paper bin. Oh.
208
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:58,120
It's like spiders have started
a revolution against wicker.
209
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,160
So?
210
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:06,360
So...if you waxed, you were planning
to have sex the following night.
211
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,960
You could be onto something there.
212
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,360
How's your bikini line now?
213
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,920
Let me think.
When did I last see my own clout?
214
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:27,360
Well, this morning I was thinking,
"What pants?" What Pants?
215
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:35,400
Isn't that a fetish mag? Ssh. And...
I remember thinking, "They've got
to be nice cos I'm going out.
216
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:40,480
"But...they've also got to be big
and black because..."
217
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,400
Yes? "Because I'm due
on my period today."
218
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,120
So you're not pregnant, then?
219
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,080
You bloody idiot. Give us a fag.
220
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,400
Jonny?
221
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,160
Pub! Now!
222
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,920
Oh, you look a twat.
223
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,480
This is worse than when you got
everyone to call you Daddy Cool.
224
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:47,760
I haven't got a clue
what you're doing.
225
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:53,520
I'm going to kill you. I'm a mime.
A what? Remember what Louise said?
226
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,680
You'd wear black and be...
Oh, my God, no!
227
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,120
Got it in one, matey.
228
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:09,400
The girls are laughing. They won't
laugh when I'm raking it in
performing for children.
229
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,520
In that outfit, you shouldn't
be allowed near children.
230
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:25,080
I don't know how Donna is. You knew
what I meant. I could go on telly.
231
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:30,040
You could do an advert for men's
leotards. There's a huge demand.
232
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,440
Yes, well, you should be with Donna.
233
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,640
Dutch courage. I'll go
after this Guinness. Guinness.
234
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,160
Do I look like a pint of Guinness?
235
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:52,520
No, you still look like a twat. I'm
trying to take some responsibility.
236
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:57,240
After Janet's pregnancy scare,
I knew I needed to get more stable.
237
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:01,280
Get meself a job and that.
Get serious.
238
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,240
Look at you! You need a proper job
to be responsible. I'm responsible.
239
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:13,520
If Donna keeps this baby,
I'm going to have to dress like you.
240
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,400
A mime artist?
We could perform together.
241
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:22,520
I don't mean wearing something
so tight it kills all my sperm.
242
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,080
Cheers.
243
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,960
Shut it.
244
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,400
Cheers for coming over.
245
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:37,840
Thanks for inviting me.
There you go. Oh, thank you.
246
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,480
So...
247
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,920
So.
248
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:50,920
Are you going to ask me or what,
Gaz? Er...yeah. OK, erm...
249
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,720
Are...? Are you...?
250
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,360
Are you...? Are you...?
251
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,920
I mean, am I...? Am I...?
Am I gonna be a...?
252
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,360
A cake?
253
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:12,360
Gaz? Sorry. I'm a bit nervous. It's
difficult. Don't know you that well.
254
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:17,680
You know me well enough to sleep
with me. The talky bit does me in.
255
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,520
Just relax, and then ask me. Ready?
256
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:24,080
OK, hang on. Ready? Right, go on.
257
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,960
Are you having a stroke?
258
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:37,520
Are...? You've got two options.
Either ask me or I inflict pain.
259
00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:43,840
Not the nice, spanky pain.
The inserting-things-into-you pain.
All right.
260
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,160
OK.
261
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,320
What are you gonna do with the baby?
262
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,240
What do you think I should do?
263
00:21:52,240 --> 00:22:00,160
I respect your decision. Whatever
you want is fine by me. I'm a
responsible adult who doesn't mime.
264
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,720
Good for you.
265
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,240
What if I wanted to keep it?
266
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:13,120
Well, that'd be good and decisive
and...and it'd be good.
267
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:20,520
And if I wanted to get rid of it?
I'd support you and I wouldn't
judge you for murdering my son.
268
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,360
That's nice.
269
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,240
And your intentions would be...?
270
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,240
..Honourable.
271
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,160
Honourable
272
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:37,200
Yeah. I'd have to adjust a bit,
but I could probably marry you.
273
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,720
Are you asking me?
274
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:44,960
Aren't you supposed to? That's
what they do on Heartbeat. Gaz...
275
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:50,680
All right, not marriage, then. But
I could take responsibility for you.
276
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:57,960
You could move in here. I'd work
double shifts and you would stay
at home with the baby and bake.
277
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,680
Bake? Yeah...
No, it's hard, baking, isn't it?
278
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,800
Gary... I mean,
279
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:12,120
I could be like a proper father
figure. I could be Patrick Duffy.
280
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,360
Oh...
281
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:18,560
I got my dates mixed up.
I'm not pregnant at all.
282
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:27,000
Jonny, will you please
take that stupid suit off?
283
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:32,800
The spirits told you to wear black,
but they didn't mean you to bulge.
284
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:40,120
Louise, if you want to prove you're
psychic, tell me something about me.
285
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:44,200
You had a turbulent childhood.
286
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:50,080
My God, you ARE psychic. You are
also at a crossroads in your life.
287
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,120
I am. And your boyfriend
eats cat-food.
288
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,640
No. No, that one's not true.
289
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,880
Is it?
290
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,360
Jonny?
291
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:08,920
I'm scaring myself now. Why would
you have cat-food in the house?
You don't have a cat.
292
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:14,800
You're the psychic. You tell us.
There was a two-for-one offer on?
293
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:19,760
No. You bought a tin
without a label? No.
294
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:27,280
Just drop it. It's because...
I like the taste, OK? It's meaty
chunks in jelly. I can't resist.
295
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:34,200
Between your collection of toenail
clippings and cat-food consumption,
you're a disgusting couple.
296
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:38,960
Where's Gaz and Donna? Look into
the crystal ashtray and tell us.
297
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,080
OK. I can see them.
298
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:47,120
They're in Gaz's flat.
They're laughing.
299
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:51,240
They're so happy.
They're eating fried chicken.
300
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:55,680
They're happy about their new baby.
Over the moon.
301
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,720
KNOCK AT DOOR
302
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,920
SOBBING
303
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:07,000
He was like this this morning -
insatiable.
304
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,360
Is he still crying?
305
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:14,160
- What happened?
- Well, I started my period.
306
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,160
For the first time? Are you 12?
307
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,920
Don, that is brilliant! Well done!
308
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:27,400
No, it's not! I really wanted
to be a dad. Just wanted to be
a responsible, adult, manly man.
309
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,480
I'd started looking forward to it.
310
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,600
The birth and...the afterbirth.
311
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,960
My gifts have been removed from me.
312
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:43,240
Stolen. This is so upsetting.
313
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:49,080
Cheer up. You managed to make
Jonny look like a complete wanker.
314
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:57,240
I just wanted a bit of stability
in my booze, babes
and...bassoon lifestyle.
315
00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:02,000
I wanted a bit of responsibility.
I wanted to be like Patrick Duffy.
316
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:08,240
You can get responsibility
from a loving, adult relationship
with Donna. Yeah?
317
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,240
Will you marry me?
318
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:15,120
Will I buggery.
Will YOU marry me?
319
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:19,320
I'm promised to a friend
of my cousin. Arranged marriage.
320
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:24,400
- Louise, you're Church of England.
- It's how I get rid of thick blokes.
321
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,840
Gaz, you don't need to get married
to grow up.
322
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:35,040
Get to know your girlfriend
before you marry someone else.
Like Prince Charles.
323
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,520
You think that would work?
324
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,480
It's worth a try. OK.
325
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,440
Erm...
326
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:54,720
This is gonna sound weird because
we've been shagging each other
for a month.
327
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:59,560
Would you like to go for a drink
with me sometime? That sounded old.
328
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:06,600
I'd love to go for a drink with you.
Yeah? I'll meet you at the garage
at eight o'clock on Tuesday
329
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:13,640
and I'll escort you to a fine
drinking establishment. Wear that
pearl necklace I gave you. Oh, Gaz!
330
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,800
What? It was a special gift
from the bottom of my sack
331
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:22,160
Ohhhh... Like Father Christmas.
332
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,400
Hello. All right, love? Yep.
333
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:38,480
So, where are you taking me tonight?
Somewhere grown-up and sophisticated?
334
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,200
You what?
335
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:48,560
Well, we're supposed to be having
a growny-uppy relationship. I think
that means taking me to wine bars.
336
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:53,720
No, it just means I've got to talk
to you as well as give you one.
337
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,040
Can do both at once if you want.
338
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,520
Pringle?
339
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,600
One...thousand...pounds.
340
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,600
One...THOUSAND...pounds!
341
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:19,160
A thousand pounds! Oh, my God!
He'll buy me an engagement ring.
342
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:25,920
Do you think we'll get married
and have some sex?
I'm not sure about the first.
343
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:30,960
But the second one's a dead cert,
is it? Come on, my son!
29335
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