Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger, now

Right. What d'you reckon, then? A, B or C?

Um...C. If I was president I'd form an army to get rid of poverty.

How? By shooting all the poor people.

Has nobody noticed I'm forlorn?

I thought you were suppressing your bowels.

I was sick this morning. So was I. So was I.

What time? About nine. Me too! We could be vomit sisters.

Please don't. D'you reckon it was us drinking that Listerine? Maybe.

Was your sick minty-fresh, too? Yeah.

No, look, it's not just the sick.

I mean, sick is like a familiar friend.

So what's wrong, then?

Well...I think I'm pregnant.

Boring! I'm being serious.

Well, you've never practised safe sex. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.

Are you late? About five days. Ss-ss! Is that bad?

Well, it's bad enough to make us go...ss-ss! Really?

This is so exciting. Oh, my God.

Has it got that bad that our only excitement is Janet weeing on a stick and then going "Hurray!"?

I could be carrying life here. Can we focus, please? Congratulations!

Congratulations?! Well, you MIGHT have been happy about it.

I took a chance not saying, "Get us the hoover, I'll sort it."

Well, I'm not happy about it. At least I don't think I am.

You don't think you are? Don't you know how much babies cost?

More than a Peugeot.

Louise is right. Me and Jonny don't have enough money for a baby.

Look, I'll nip down to the chemist and I'll get you a pregnancy test.

I need to get some...toe separators. You're just being nice.

No, I have slightly deformed feet. It's a bit sensitive, actually.

Reckon Jonny'd make a good dad? No!

He'd probably use it as a down payment on a moped.

Louise! He would not. If I keep this thingy, if indeed there is a thingy,

then Jonny would be a very protective and responsible father.

Ah! Oh, no! Christ, I think I've just followed through!

You'll never beat me, mate. Champion again.

I cleared over five foot then. I could pee over Kylie no bother.

Are you really proud of that?

What do you mean? Well, we did this when we were 15.

I know, and I was champion then, although admittedly I'd only have cleared Danny de Vito.

But we haven't moved on. Pissing outside is one of life's pleasures.

What an entertaining life you've had.

Yeah. It equals stealing your sister's underwear and sniffing it.

I haven't got a sister, remember? Oh, yeah - it was your mum's!

That's disgusting. And untrue. And strangely erotic.

Look, what are you getting at, anyway?

I just think there's more to life than pissing up a wall. More?

Fags, shags and kebabs - that's it.

That can't be all there is. I just want something exciting to happen.

I can get you a stripper. No!

I know a stripper with webbed feet. No! You want to see her pogoing!

No duck woman! Don't worry, I'll sort something out.

I weren't worried. I just wanted to see a freak strip.

Why have you got two? The first might not be accurate.

You might do a Carling Black Label. A Carling Black Label? A weak piss.

I don't want Jonny finding this spare one. He'll think it's a kazoo.

SHE PLAYS THE MARSEILLAISE

Right. Well, I'll take one home, then. All right.

Make sure you hide it. Under your pillow's a good place.

Yes, but what if the pregnancy-test fairy steals it?

Donna! This was 12 bloody quid! I could buy Rod, Jane and Freddy for that.

Well, just go and do it, will you? OK. Right. Good luck.

Mmm!

OK, Louise. Let's carry on with your quiz. Yeah.

Right. Question nine - if you discover a friend's boyfriend has been cheating, do you a) Tell her,

b) Mind your own business or c) Have a crack at him yourself?

C. Definitely.

If Gaz was going to cheat on you, it might as well be with me. We could be spunk sisters!

Please don't.

Please don't. Right...

Adding up your score now.

SINGS 'COUNTDOWN' TUNE You're a twat.

What?

Well, on the twatometer...

..you rate at ultra-twat with Adam Rickett sprinkles.

No-o-o!

I can't do it. I'm dryer than an Always Ultra.

My bladder's usually so friendly and forthcoming, like a favourite aunt.

Janet, do you think I'm a twat?

Right, Mum. Don't want you jumping to conclusions, and I know I'm probably gonna regret this...

Regret nothing, darling, except short men and paisley.

How do you know if you're pregnant? I can't be a grandmother. I'm pert!

Abort, for God's sake! Abort!

You're jumping to conclusions. I told you not to.

I don't think you did. How do you know? Well, usually, you give birth.

No! In the earlier stages!

We have gin! Lots and lots of gin.

No, I've decided not to drink for a couple of weeks. I'm detoxifying.

Detoxifying?

Oh, for that you need laxatives, lots of laxatives...and some gin.

Mother. What...are...the warning signs...of being...pregnant?

I'm not sure.

You must remember something. Well, I suppose I was a bit over-emotional

Ah, emotional? Anything else?

Nipple darkening. OK, crazy nips. Great - what else?

I don't know. Hot flushes and a touch of alcoholism.

What?!

Well, in my day they said, "Guinness is good for you." Yeah?

It were great for me.

What's up? You're usually all sexed up like a filthy alley cat.

Miaow! I'm just not in the mood tonight. Sorry.

Well, is it me? Do I repulse you?

I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena, you will be mine!" at climax.

No, it's not that. I, um...quite like that, strangely.

So what? What - is it the bed? Does it smell too much of gravy?

No. I love gravy. It's my favourite soft drink.

So what is it? Take your coat off, at least! I don't fancy going out.

I know the Sesame Street exhibition's reopened,

but Big Bird - I hate him, the big yellow tosser.

I'd just like to talk, if that's all right, Gaz?

Talk? Er, yeah!

Talking's good - understanding women, and all that.

Boobs...and, er...p-p-periods.

What do you... What do you think of Benazir Bhutto?

No, I just... About stuff, you know? Life and death and humanity and the future and...us.

Yeah. Um...I'd love to do that.

But first, I've got to brush me teeth. Why?

Well, all the great philosophers had good teeth, didn't they?

Like, um, Plato, and um, that other one...

Paul Daniels!

DOOR CLOSES

Gaz? Gaz?!

You've gone out, haven't you?

KNOCK AT DOOR I'll get it. I'll get it. No, you stay there. I'm there now.

OK, you get it. Oh, I think I'm leaking.

Hello. Oh, my God! How far along are you?

No, Louise - this is just a load of old rubbish I stuffed up myself.

Do not talk about a human life like that!

See, Donna - I am a Mother Nature figure now, and no-one can call Mother Nature a twat.

I think Timmy Mallett would disagree, the poor genetic mutant.

Have you told Jonny yet? No. I tried to, but we were eating prawns.

Well, they looked like foetuses. I thought it'd put him off his tea.

My mum says your nipples go darker, if you are...

Mmm. Oh, I don't think so.

I never give them much attention, though. They're Jonny's department.

Well, you're going to have to tell him sooner or later. Why?

Because...I've bought these lovely little bootees for you,

and this beautiful breast pump.

You twat!

That's so tactless. Give them here. No, it's not.

It's caring and lovely.

Are you scared how Jonny will react?

Do you think he might leave, then you could be my single-mum friend?

Oh, this is so exciting! No-one else at Uni's got one.

Could you wait for me after lectures with a pram and a fag hanging out of your mouth,

going, "Shut up, you little bugger, before I shut you up"?

No, Louise. That won't be happening.

Maybe YOU could tell Jonny, Louise. Then he could kill you.

OK, then. Where is he? I don't know.

He said he was going to do something exciting with Gaz.

Now, THIS is exciting. So...what, we go all the way to the bottom?

Yeah. That's about the size of it, yeah.

I think I've just followed through.

What's the matter? You're like a bulimic with no fingers.

Well, this wasn't what I had in mind.

It's like being a kid at Southport.

Well, except this pony's not got maggots falling out of its arse.

Whoo! Go on, driver!

Whey-hey! This is well better, innit?

There's no point to all that pony riding unless it's for the right reasons. Shut up.

Whey! Go on, my lad!

Weedle-eedle-neep, boo-yah!

What?

I'm just trying to create some excitement for you.

Horseys, a choo-choo, I buy you a Happy Meal. What more do you want?

You sound like me dad when he had weekend custody.

You must have enjoyed something. I mean, them ponies were great.

I've always thought I could've been a jockey. In "giant horsey" races?!

Jockeys bathe in salt water before they race to make themselves shrink.

Well, you can't STAY shrunk, though, can you?

I don't know. Look at The Borrowers.

No, that was a film.

Yeah, based on a book proving that could actually happen.

So you reckon The Incredible Hulk was a true story? What is a hulk, anyway?

I'm not sure. I think it's a cross between hunk and bulk.

You can't have The Incredible Hunk, cos that just sounds like gay porn.

Yeah, and you can't have The Incredible Bulk...

cos that just sounds like gay porn.

I just don't feel a pony and a train is the way to get excitement.

I could lend you some locomotive horse pornography. Where on earth did you get hold of that?

Well, I was just bored one day and made a collage.

It's nothing I can put my finger on, you know.

I just need... I need something big to happen. Life just seems dull.

Why is life so big?

Um...how do you feel?

It's not definite, though?

Well, it is a possibility. How could you let this happen?

I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.

Well, I try to. It's hard when your liver's so bloody healthy.

Listen to me - putting all the blame on you,

when it's my fault with my flaming superior man juice, dammit.

We ARE at the height of fertility. They must be incredible swimmers.

Do you reckon we could bottle it and sell it?

Jonny! Can we get back to our problem? Yeah, sorry. OK. So how are we going to get rid?

Get rid? Jonny, it's not a garden shed.

Correct, garden sheds are useful. Can you keep a mower in a kid? No.

So you wouldn't consider keeping it?

We'll get you down the doctor's tomorrow and sort you out. And get you spayed at the same time.

I can't believe you just said that.

One minute I'm riding a pony, next I'm regretting ever having had sex.

You had sex with a pony?

No. How could you let this happen to us?

Jonny, it's a two-way thing. You're usually there, if you remember.

Well, sometimes I don't remember, OK?

After 12 vodkas the only way I know we've had sex is that you're stuck to me the morning after.

You're lucky I don't go to the police about you.

Jonny, you're being really horrible. And I am with child.

Maybe, not definitely. I've gotta get out of here. I'm going to the pub.

I'm only 21. I don't want babies till I'm 50.

You're being really immature. Immature? Watch this!

Ooh-ooh-ooh! What does that tell you? Bad parenting skills.

Yeah, well, loads of people have babies young.

Yeah, and they all die of syphilis.

No, they don't.

Yeah, so? I can't listen to this any more.

I've got to get out of here. I'll leave you with this, Janet -

babies are parasites, like those sucky things that stick to your legs.

What, the French?

No, leeches. And that's what it'll be - a grubby little leech.

Well, it'll take after you, then!

I think you've said enough. How could you do this to me?

Jesus was born in a barn, weren't he? What are you talking about?

With, like, cows and sheep and goats.

You're not going to start singing Old McJesus Had A Farm, are you? No.

But even if a baby is born into lowly circumstances it can be something.

Wasn't he nailed to a cross after some bloke snogged him in a garden?

Yes, but before that cross thing. Are you getting all religious on me?

No, I was thinking about having kids.

I mean, if a poor young couple accidentally fall pregnant, then they can still be all right, can't they?

Have you spoken to Jonny about it...?

Gaz? Gaz! Oi!

Preg...preg...

No! Help me!

Want me mum.

Ugly babies.

What? Hey!

Aa-aagh!

Heart attack!

Tell Donna to...to name it Gaz.

Donna's pregnant too, then? Too?

Janet's had a bite of the sausage sandwich and the mayonnaise was ripe.

What?

One minute I'm riding a pony, the next I'm wishing I'd never had sex.

You shagged that pony?!

No! She's up the duff.

What, the pony?! God, you ARE a fertile man. No, Janet!

We got our women pregnant at the same time.

We've got telepathic testicles.

No, no - Donna is not pregnant.

Janet would have told me.

God.

Janet pregnant.

I...I really don't want a kid. They need looking after all the time.

Yeah. Like women. And they need changing all the time.

Yeah. Once again, like women.

They're...they're noisy and stinky.

You're back to your pony now.

Why wouldn't he want our baby?

I mean, we've been together for ages now.

Well, he's probably looking for someone better to come along.

Who's better than me?

Well, me, for a start.

I don't go around stupidly getting pregnant all the time.

We don't know if I AM pregnant. Yes, but people like you usually are.

Louise, I thought you were trying to help. Now you're upsetting me. I'm really fragile at the moment.

Well, then do the test, find out for sure.

No, just stop it, Louise. I'll do it in my own time.

Pressurising me is not gonna help.

And it's not gonna help get Jonny back, either.

You're right.

I've got to remedy this. I've got to prove I'm not a twat.

You don't mind if I pop out for a few minutes, do you?

Right.

It's you, me and a bowlful of piss.

I don't need a kid.

I've got enough trouble organising me own life. You can't file pain.

Yeah. Babies are ugly.

They all look through me with their scary baby eyes...

and see the blackness that is my soul.

Shame on you. That's a tiny little person you're talking about.

A teeny, weeny, beany, bynie, ickle, wickle baby.

What are you doing here, you scary rhyming lady?

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Jonny.

Jonny, you did a bad thing.

It's not as bad as matching plaid with leather, but it's bad.

Janet's crying and mucus is not very attractive.

She's all on her own,

and she's worried she's never going to be able to talk to you again, even if the problem's really big,

like if someone died on Corrie.

And if she's going to keep this baby she's going to need you.

We've got to think of her needs now,

and whether you'll become parents to something you created as a couple.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Louise... Did you just say that you left Janet all on her own, crying?

Oh, my God. I AM a twat.

Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat...

Course I love babies.

Yeah. Babies are great.

They have...fatness.

And they're no trouble. Nah! Whack some absinthe down them, they sleep.

And feeding a baby? Easy.

Just whack it on her tits and get yourself round the pub before you get jealous of it.

So that's it. I'm having a baby. It's a great idea.

I can't see why I didn't get her up the duff before now.

In nine months you'll be Uncle Gaz.

Like, um, Uncle Ben, only you won't look so much like a Jamaican sex offender.

Yeah, and you'll be Jonny - Jonny the daddy.

You'll be able to teach it how to read and write and do sums...

Maybe not. No.

But you'll be able to teach it how to do quiet but revolting farts.

That'd make me so proud. I'm going home - going home to tell Janet that we're having this baby,

and I'll make her the happiest woman in the world.

Pint first? Yeah. Wet the baby's head, eh?

Whoo! Yeah, come on!

Whoo-hoo! Thank you! Thank you!

D'you know what, right? D'you know what?

We should get Janet a present, to celebrate our first-born's conception. Yeah.

Have you got anything on you?

I've got a fiver.

I'm not paying her to be pregnant. Well, it'd do ME if I got pregnant.

I know - get her some gripe water.

I've got some chewing gum. No.

We'll have to go the the all-night garage...unless she wants a condom.

Here's to the arid wasteland that is your womb. Cheers. D'you want a fag, Don?

Er...no, thanks. I'd even started having phantom cravings. What for?

Well...fags, mostly.

No, cravings are for the things the BABY wants - you know, like broccoli and tinned pears,

and women with big mams. I can't see any baby wanting fags.

Some women have cravings for coal. I updated it for the 21st century.

Would you have considered keeping it?

A little person who keeps you company and loves you forever?

No. The only point in having kids is when they learn to make the tea.

Or when you can steal their cannabis and they daren't ask you about it.

But it'd be nice to have someone to look after you in your old age,

like our parents did and we'll do for them, and our babies will do for us.

Nah!

Have you told Jonny the good news yet?

No, I'm teaching him a lesson. Let him stew. Yeah.

CRASH! Shut up. YOU shut up! You just walked into a bin.

Oh, I tell you... If I have a girl,

I'll call her Ferrari. Ferrari Sabrina Britney.

What...what about a boy?

Craig.

Here's to no more sex!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! Have your waters broken?

Why have you got a bag of compost on your shoulder?

Well, we thought it might nourish the child - vitamins and minerals and, um, manure. Me mum said.

Ferrari! How could you? Getting our baby drunk. And smoking - you'll stunt her growth.

We'll give birth to an alcoholic dwarf baby.

Oh, my God! It'll be Keith Chegwin!

Jonny, just hold on a second...

No, I demand custody of that child right now.

That might be a bit messy, Jon. True.

But as soon as you squeeze it out I'll take Ferrari Sabrina Britney

to a safe house by the sea, where we can frolic.

My God, will we frolic!

And there'll be larking, too. My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies a-plenty.

And bears, but no clowns - they scare me.

On a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like...Michael Flatley,

after our spaghetti hoops we shall run like billyo to a sea so calm,

it would make Des Lynam look like a scary wolf man.

She will be the most cherished little girl in the world, my little Ferrari.

Jonny!

I'm not pregnant.

Well, thank fuck for that!

That was all right, everything being OK between the pair of them.

Yeah. Can we talk about us? Well...

As long as the conversation ends in sex, I'm fine.

It's not quite as simple as that.

What's simple about sex after the amount of Stella I've drank tonight?

Well, um...

You know the situation that Janet found herself in...

well, nearly found herself in? Yeah.

Well, I just think you should know...

Hold on. I've got a surprise for you. Have you?

Wait there.

DOOR CLOSES

Gaz?

Have you gone out?

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