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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour.
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with bubbles in it
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I can't handle anything stronger, now
4
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:38,360
Right. What d'you reckon, then?
A, B or C?
5
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:44,320
Um...C. If I was president I'd
form an army to get rid of poverty.
6
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How?
By shooting all the poor people.
7
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Has nobody noticed I'm forlorn?
8
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I thought
you were suppressing your bowels.
9
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I was sick this morning.
So was I. So was I.
10
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:04,840
What time? About nine. Me too!
We could be vomit sisters.
11
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Please don't. D'you reckon it was us
drinking that Listerine? Maybe.
12
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Was your sick minty-fresh, too?
Yeah.
13
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,240
No, look, it's not just the sick.
14
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I mean,
sick is like a familiar friend.
15
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So what's wrong, then?
16
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Well...I think I'm pregnant.
17
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Boring! I'm being serious.
18
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:34,440
Well, you've never practised
safe sex. You've picked up
more dirt than a JCB in your time.
19
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Are you late? About five days.
Ss-ss! Is that bad?
20
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Well, it's bad enough
to make us go...ss-ss! Really?
21
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,160
This is so exciting. Oh, my God.
22
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Has it got that bad that our only
excitement is Janet weeing on a stick
and then going "Hurray!"?
23
00:01:54,920 --> 00:02:00,360
I could be carrying life here. Can
we focus, please? Congratulations!
24
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:04,680
Congratulations?! Well,
you MIGHT have been happy about it.
25
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I took a chance not saying,
"Get us the hoover, I'll sort it."
26
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Well, I'm not happy about it.
At least I don't think I am.
27
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,240
You don't think you are?
Don't you know how much babies cost?
28
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More than a Peugeot.
29
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:26,120
Louise is right. Me and Jonny
don't have enough money for a baby.
30
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:30,880
Look, I'll nip down to the chemist
and I'll get you a pregnancy test.
31
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:35,400
I need to get some...toe separators.
You're just being nice.
32
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:40,160
No, I have slightly deformed feet.
It's a bit sensitive, actually.
33
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Reckon Jonny'd make a good dad? No!
34
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,040
He'd probably use it
as a down payment on a moped.
35
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:52,080
Louise! He would not. If I keep this
thingy, if indeed there is a thingy,
36
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,960
then Jonny would be a very
protective and responsible father.
37
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:11,960
Ah! Oh, no! Christ,
I think I've just followed through!
38
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:17,640
You'll never beat me, mate.
Champion again.
39
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:21,880
I cleared over five foot then.
I could pee over Kylie no bother.
40
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,520
Are you really proud of that?
41
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:29,120
What do you mean?
Well, we did this when we were 15.
42
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:35,280
I know, and I was champion then,
although admittedly
I'd only have cleared Danny de Vito.
43
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:40,480
But we haven't moved on. Pissing
outside is one of life's pleasures.
44
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,600
What an entertaining life you've had.
45
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,440
Yeah. It equals stealing your
sister's underwear and sniffing it.
46
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:53,200
I haven't got a sister, remember?
Oh, yeah - it was your mum's!
47
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:57,720
That's disgusting. And untrue.
And strangely erotic.
48
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,160
Look,
what are you getting at, anyway?
49
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:05,520
I just think there's more to life
than pissing up a wall. More?
50
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,360
Fags, shags and kebabs - that's it.
51
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,040
That can't be all there is. I just
want something exciting to happen.
52
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,680
I can get you a stripper. No!
53
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,440
I know a stripper with webbed feet.
No! You want to see her pogoing!
54
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,160
No duck woman!
Don't worry, I'll sort something out.
55
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:27,680
I weren't worried.
I just wanted to see a freak strip.
56
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:33,880
Why have you got two?
The first might not be accurate.
57
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,920
You might do a Carling Black Label.
A Carling Black Label? A weak piss.
58
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:42,760
I don't want Jonny finding this
spare one. He'll think it's a kazoo.
59
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,200
SHE PLAYS THE MARSEILLAISE
60
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,760
Right. Well, I'll take one home,
then. All right.
61
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,360
Make sure you hide it.
Under your pillow's a good place.
62
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:56,720
Yes, but what if the pregnancy-test
fairy steals it?
63
00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:03,400
Donna! This was 12 bloody quid!
I could buy
Rod, Jane and Freddy for that.
64
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:08,400
Well, just go and do it, will you?
OK. Right. Good luck.
65
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,800
Mmm!
66
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:14,760
OK, Louise.
Let's carry on with your quiz. Yeah.
67
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:21,320
Right. Question nine - if you
discover a friend's boyfriend has
been cheating, do you a) Tell her,
68
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:26,080
b) Mind your own business
or c) Have a crack at him yourself?
69
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,320
C. Definitely.
70
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:35,280
If Gaz was going to cheat on you,
it might as well be with me.
We could be spunk sisters!
71
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,760
Please don't.
72
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,920
Please don't. Right...
73
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,640
Adding up your score now.
74
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:47,240
SINGS 'COUNTDOWN' TUNE
You're a twat.
75
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,120
What?
76
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,320
Well, on the twatometer...
77
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,880
..you rate at ultra-twat
with Adam Rickett sprinkles.
78
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,480
No-o-o!
79
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:06,280
I can't do it.
I'm dryer than an Always Ultra.
80
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:10,800
My bladder's usually so friendly and
forthcoming, like a favourite aunt.
81
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,760
Janet, do you think I'm a twat?
82
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:25,600
Right, Mum. Don't want you
jumping to conclusions, and I know
I'm probably gonna regret this...
83
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:30,120
Regret nothing, darling,
except short men and paisley.
84
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:36,080
How do you know if you're pregnant?
I can't be a grandmother. I'm pert!
85
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,680
Abort, for God's sake! Abort!
86
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,280
You're jumping to conclusions.
I told you not to.
87
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:48,320
I don't think you did. How do you
know? Well, usually, you give birth.
88
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,280
No! In the earlier stages!
89
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,800
We have gin! Lots and lots of gin.
90
00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:01,520
No, I've decided not to drink for
a couple of weeks. I'm detoxifying.
91
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,280
Detoxifying?
92
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:10,240
Oh, for that you need laxatives,
lots of laxatives...and some gin.
93
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:16,160
Mother. What...are...the warning
signs...of being...pregnant?
94
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,280
I'm not sure.
95
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:23,440
You must remember something. Well,
I suppose I was a bit over-emotional
96
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,640
Ah, emotional? Anything else?
97
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:29,360
Nipple darkening.
OK, crazy nips. Great - what else?
98
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:33,360
I don't know. Hot flushes
and a touch of alcoholism.
99
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,560
What?!
100
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,240
Well, in my day they said,
"Guinness is good for you." Yeah?
101
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,120
It were great for me.
102
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:50,760
What's up? You're usually all
sexed up like a filthy alley cat.
103
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:56,120
Miaow! I'm just not
in the mood tonight. Sorry.
104
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,720
Well, is it me? Do I repulse you?
105
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:03,560
I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena,
you will be mine!" at climax.
106
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:08,600
No, it's not that.
I, um...quite like that, strangely.
107
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,680
So what? What - is it the bed?
Does it smell too much of gravy?
108
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:19,240
No. I love gravy.
It's my favourite soft drink.
109
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:24,000
So what is it? Take your coat off,
at least! I don't fancy going out.
110
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,760
I know the Sesame Street
exhibition's reopened,
111
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:32,120
but Big Bird - I hate him,
the big yellow tosser.
112
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,600
I'd just like to talk,
if that's all right, Gaz?
113
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,320
Talk? Er, yeah!
114
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,480
Talking's good -
understanding women, and all that.
115
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,240
Boobs...and, er...p-p-periods.
116
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,440
What do you...
What do you think of Benazir Bhutto?
117
00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:03,960
No, I just... About stuff, you know?
Life and death and humanity
and the future and...us.
118
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,560
Yeah. Um...I'd love to do that.
119
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:09,920
But first,
I've got to brush me teeth. Why?
120
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,680
Well, all the great philosophers
had good teeth, didn't they?
121
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:17,200
Like, um, Plato,
and um, that other one...
122
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,520
Paul Daniels!
123
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,360
DOOR CLOSES
124
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,040
Gaz? Gaz?!
125
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,800
You've gone out, haven't you?
126
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:38,560
KNOCK AT DOOR
I'll get it. I'll get it.
No, you stay there. I'm there now.
127
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:42,320
OK, you get it.
Oh, I think I'm leaking.
128
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:49,680
Hello. Oh, my God!
How far along are you?
129
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:54,600
No, Louise - this is just a load
of old rubbish I stuffed up myself.
130
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,160
Do not talk about a human life
like that!
131
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:04,240
See, Donna - I am a Mother Nature
figure now, and no-one
can call Mother Nature a twat.
132
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,560
I think Timmy Mallett would disagree,
the poor genetic mutant.
133
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:13,320
Have you told Jonny yet? No. I
tried to, but we were eating prawns.
134
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:18,000
Well, they looked like foetuses.
I thought it'd put him off his tea.
135
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,840
My mum says your nipples go darker,
if you are...
136
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,520
Mmm. Oh, I don't think so.
137
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,800
I never give them much attention,
though. They're Jonny's department.
138
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:34,720
Well, you're going to have
to tell him sooner or later. Why?
139
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:40,920
Because...I've bought
these lovely little bootees for you,
140
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:45,080
and this beautiful breast pump.
141
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,880
You twat!
142
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,920
That's so tactless. Give them here.
No, it's not.
143
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,640
It's caring and lovely.
144
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,200
Are you scared how Jonny will react?
145
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,920
Do you think he might leave, then
you could be my single-mum friend?
146
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:09,800
Oh, this is so exciting!
No-one else at Uni's got one.
147
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:15,880
Could you wait for me after lectures
with a pram and
a fag hanging out of your mouth,
148
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:19,400
going, "Shut up, you little bugger,
before I shut you up"?
149
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,640
No, Louise. That won't be happening.
150
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,360
Maybe YOU could tell Jonny, Louise.
Then he could kill you.
151
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,960
OK, then. Where is he? I don't know.
152
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,720
He said he was going to do
something exciting with Gaz.
153
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:38,560
Now, THIS is exciting. So...what,
we go all the way to the bottom?
154
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:42,280
Yeah.
That's about the size of it, yeah.
155
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,160
I think I've just followed through.
156
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,720
What's the matter? You're
like a bulimic with no fingers.
157
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,520
Well, this wasn't what I had in mind.
158
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,360
It's like being a kid at Southport.
159
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,360
Well, except this pony's not
got maggots falling out of its arse.
160
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,080
Whoo! Go on, driver!
161
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,640
Whey-hey!
This is well better, innit?
162
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:16,680
There's no point
to all that pony riding unless
it's for the right reasons. Shut up.
163
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,080
Whey! Go on, my lad!
164
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,040
Weedle-eedle-neep, boo-yah!
165
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,920
What?
166
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,360
I'm just trying
to create some excitement for you.
167
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,800
Horseys, a choo-choo, I buy you a
Happy Meal. What more do you want?
168
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:37,720
You sound like me dad
when he had weekend custody.
169
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,320
You must have enjoyed something.
I mean, them ponies were great.
170
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:47,800
I've always thought I could've been
a jockey. In "giant horsey" races?!
171
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:52,200
Jockeys bathe in salt water before
they race to make themselves shrink.
172
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:57,080
Well, you can't STAY shrunk, though,
can you?
173
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,480
I don't know. Look at The Borrowers.
174
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,280
No, that was a film.
175
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,800
Yeah, based on a book
proving that could actually happen.
176
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:12,080
So you reckon The Incredible Hulk was
a true story? What is a hulk, anyway?
177
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:16,520
I'm not sure. I think
it's a cross between hunk and bulk.
178
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:22,440
You can't have The Incredible Hunk,
cos that just sounds like gay porn.
179
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:26,560
Yeah, and you can't have
The Incredible Bulk...
180
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,160
cos that just sounds like gay porn.
181
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:33,600
I just don't feel a pony and a train
is the way to get excitement.
182
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:39,960
I could lend you some locomotive
horse pornography. Where on earth
did you get hold of that?
183
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:45,080
Well, I was just bored one day
and made a collage.
184
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,520
It's nothing I can put my finger on,
you know.
185
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:53,280
I just need... I need something big
to happen. Life just seems dull.
186
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,360
Why is life so big?
187
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,440
Um...how do you feel?
188
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,040
It's not definite, though?
189
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:11,040
Well, it is a possibility.
How could you let this happen?
190
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:15,880
I thought you kept the alcohol level
in your blood too high to conceive.
191
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:20,200
Well, I try to. It's hard
when your liver's so bloody healthy.
192
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,800
Listen to me -
putting all the blame on you,
193
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:29,080
when it's my fault with my
flaming superior man juice, dammit.
194
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:34,280
We ARE at the height of fertility.
They must be incredible swimmers.
195
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,760
Do you reckon
we could bottle it and sell it?
196
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:43,760
Jonny! Can we get back
to our problem? Yeah, sorry. OK.
So how are we going to get rid?
197
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,040
Get rid?
Jonny, it's not a garden shed.
198
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:52,800
Correct, garden sheds are useful.
Can you keep a mower in a kid? No.
199
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,480
So you wouldn't consider keeping it?
200
00:14:55,480 --> 00:15:02,760
We'll get you down the doctor's
tomorrow and sort you out.
And get you spayed at the same time.
201
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,440
I can't believe you just said that.
202
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,640
One minute I'm riding a pony, next
I'm regretting ever having had sex.
203
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,760
You had sex with a pony?
204
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,760
No.
How could you let this happen to us?
205
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,920
Jonny, it's a two-way thing. You're
usually there, if you remember.
206
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,440
Well, sometimes I don't remember, OK?
207
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:29,480
After 12 vodkas the only way
I know we've had sex is that
you're stuck to me the morning after.
208
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,720
You're lucky
I don't go to the police about you.
209
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:37,640
Jonny, you're being really horrible.
And I am with child.
210
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:43,160
Maybe, not definitely. I've gotta get
out of here. I'm going to the pub.
211
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:47,760
I'm only 21.
I don't want babies till I'm 50.
212
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,600
You're being really immature.
Immature? Watch this!
213
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,880
Ooh-ooh-ooh! What does that tell you?
Bad parenting skills.
214
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,320
Yeah, well,
loads of people have babies young.
215
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,680
Yeah, and they all die of syphilis.
216
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,680
No, they don't.
217
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:08,280
Yeah, so?
I can't listen to this any more.
218
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,480
I've got to get out of here.
I'll leave you with this, Janet -
219
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,840
babies are parasites, like those
sucky things that stick to your legs.
220
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,640
What, the French?
221
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:24,560
No, leeches. And that's what
it'll be - a grubby little leech.
222
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,880
Well, it'll take after you, then!
223
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:33,920
I think you've said enough.
How could you do this to me?
224
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:51,880
Jesus was born in a barn, weren't
he? What are you talking about?
225
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,480
With, like, cows and sheep and goats.
226
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:59,000
You're not going to start singing
Old McJesus Had A Farm, are you? No.
227
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,920
But even if a baby is born into lowly
circumstances it can be something.
228
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:08,800
Wasn't he nailed to a cross after
some bloke snogged him in a garden?
229
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,560
Yes, but before that cross thing. Are
you getting all religious on me?
230
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,120
No, I was thinking about having kids.
231
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:22,720
I mean, if a poor young couple
accidentally fall pregnant, then they
can still be all right, can't they?
232
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,280
Have you spoken to Jonny about it...?
233
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,120
Gaz? Gaz! Oi!
234
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,800
Preg...preg...
235
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,560
No! Help me!
236
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,080
Want me mum.
237
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,720
Ugly babies.
238
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,520
What? Hey!
239
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,840
Aa-aagh!
240
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,000
Heart attack!
241
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,000
Tell Donna to...to name it Gaz.
242
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,280
Donna's pregnant too, then? Too?
243
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:03,320
Janet's had a bite of the sausage
sandwich and the mayonnaise was ripe.
244
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,320
What?
245
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,760
One minute I'm riding a pony, the
next I'm wishing I'd never had sex.
246
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,200
You shagged that pony?!
247
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,800
No! She's up the duff.
248
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:23,480
What, the pony?! God,
you ARE a fertile man. No, Janet!
249
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,960
We got our women pregnant
at the same time.
250
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,920
We've got telepathic testicles.
251
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,400
No, no - Donna is not pregnant.
252
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,800
Janet would have told me.
253
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,880
God.
254
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,800
Janet pregnant.
255
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:48,480
I...I really don't want a kid.
They need looking after all the time.
256
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:52,560
Yeah. Like women.
And they need changing all the time.
257
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,040
Yeah. Once again, like women.
258
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,160
They're...they're noisy and stinky.
259
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,800
You're back to your pony now.
260
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:05,200
Why wouldn't he want our baby?
261
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,560
I mean,
we've been together for ages now.
262
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,600
Well, he's probably looking
for someone better to come along.
263
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,080
Who's better than me?
264
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,640
Well, me, for a start.
265
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:23,040
I don't go around stupidly
getting pregnant all the time.
266
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:28,920
We don't know if I AM pregnant. Yes,
but people like you usually are.
267
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:35,640
Louise, I thought you were trying
to help. Now you're upsetting me.
I'm really fragile at the moment.
268
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:39,680
Well, then do the test,
find out for sure.
269
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:44,000
No, just stop it, Louise.
I'll do it in my own time.
270
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,640
Pressurising me is not gonna help.
271
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,840
And it's not gonna help
get Jonny back, either.
272
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,120
You're right.
273
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:57,680
I've got to remedy this.
I've got to prove I'm not a twat.
274
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:04,600
You don't mind if I pop out
for a few minutes, do you?
275
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,480
Right.
276
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:18,840
It's you, me
and a bowlful of piss.
277
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,280
I don't need a kid.
278
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:27,440
I've got enough trouble organising
me own life. You can't file pain.
279
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,080
Yeah. Babies are ugly.
280
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:34,400
They all look through me
with their scary baby eyes...
281
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:38,160
and see the blackness
that is my soul.
282
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,920
Shame on you. That's a tiny
little person you're talking about.
283
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,400
A teeny, weeny, beany, bynie,
ickle, wickle baby.
284
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,240
What are you doing here,
you scary rhyming lady?
285
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,800
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to Jonny.
286
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,520
Jonny, you did a bad thing.
287
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:01,680
It's not as bad as matching plaid
with leather, but it's bad.
288
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:06,000
Janet's crying
and mucus is not very attractive.
289
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,000
She's all on her own,
290
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:15,080
and she's worried she's never going
to be able to talk to you again,
even if the problem's really big,
291
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,480
like if someone died on Corrie.
292
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,680
And if she's going to keep
this baby she's going to need you.
293
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:24,480
We've got to think of her needs now,
294
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:29,600
and whether you'll become parents to
something you created as a couple.
295
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,520
Do you see what I'm saying?
296
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:38,560
Louise... Did you just say that you
left Janet all on her own, crying?
297
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,200
Oh, my God. I AM a twat.
298
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,480
Twat, twat,
twat, twat, twat, twat...
299
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,360
Course I love babies.
300
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,240
Yeah. Babies are great.
301
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,000
They have...fatness.
302
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:04,920
And they're no trouble. Nah! Whack
some absinthe down them, they sleep.
303
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,960
And feeding a baby? Easy.
304
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:13,960
Just whack it on her tits
and get yourself round the pub
before you get jealous of it.
305
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,960
So that's it.
I'm having a baby. It's a great idea.
306
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:24,800
I can't see why I didn't get her
up the duff before now.
307
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,400
In nine months you'll be Uncle Gaz.
308
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:33,480
Like, um, Uncle Ben,
only you won't look so much
like a Jamaican sex offender.
309
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:38,320
Yeah, and you'll be Jonny -
Jonny the daddy.
310
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:43,680
You'll be able to teach it how
to read and write and do sums...
311
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,480
Maybe not. No.
312
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:53,240
But you'll be able to teach it
how to do quiet but revolting farts.
313
00:22:53,240 --> 00:23:00,760
That'd make me so proud. I'm going
home - going home to tell Janet
that we're having this baby,
314
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,200
and I'll make her
the happiest woman in the world.
315
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,240
Pint first?
Yeah. Wet the baby's head, eh?
316
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,080
Whoo! Yeah, come on!
317
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,480
Whoo-hoo!
Thank you! Thank you!
318
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:35,200
D'you know what, right?
D'you know what?
319
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:41,720
We should get Janet a present,
to celebrate
our first-born's conception. Yeah.
320
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,360
Have you got anything on you?
321
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,840
I've got a fiver.
322
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:51,880
I'm not paying her to be pregnant.
Well, it'd do ME if I got pregnant.
323
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,600
I know - get her some gripe water.
324
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,120
I've got some chewing gum. No.
325
00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:02,480
We'll have to go the the all-night
garage...unless she wants a condom.
326
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:12,200
Here's to the arid wasteland
that is your womb.
Cheers. D'you want a fag, Don?
327
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,880
Er...no, thanks. I'd even started
having phantom cravings. What for?
328
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,520
Well...fags, mostly.
329
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:25,720
No, cravings are for the things
the BABY wants - you know,
like broccoli and tinned pears,
330
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:29,800
and women with big mams.
I can't see any baby wanting fags.
331
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:35,360
Some women have cravings for coal.
I updated it for the 21st century.
332
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,960
Would you have considered keeping it?
333
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:42,240
A little person who keeps you company
and loves you forever?
334
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:46,960
No. The only point in having kids
is when they learn to make the tea.
335
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:51,680
Or when you can steal their cannabis
and they daren't ask you about it.
336
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:56,440
But it'd be nice to have someone
to look after you in your old age,
337
00:24:56,440 --> 00:25:00,800
like our parents did and we'll do for
them, and our babies will do for us.
338
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,480
Nah!
339
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:07,760
Have you told Jonny
the good news yet?
340
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:12,040
No, I'm teaching him a lesson.
Let him stew. Yeah.
341
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:23,320
CRASH!
Shut up. YOU shut up!
You just walked into a bin.
342
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:27,320
Oh, I tell you... If I have a girl,
343
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:33,120
I'll call her Ferrari.
Ferrari Sabrina Britney.
344
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,880
What...what about a boy?
345
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,960
Craig.
346
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,320
Here's to no more sex!
347
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,000
Oh, no!
348
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,960
Oh, my God! Have your waters broken?
349
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:54,080
Why have you got a bag of compost
on your shoulder?
350
00:25:54,080 --> 00:26:01,720
Well, we thought it might nourish
the child - vitamins and minerals
and, um, manure. Me mum said.
351
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:07,760
Ferrari! How could you?
Getting our baby drunk. And
smoking - you'll stunt her growth.
352
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,240
We'll give birth
to an alcoholic dwarf baby.
353
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,640
Oh, my God! It'll be Keith Chegwin!
354
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,520
Jonny, just hold on a second...
355
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:20,440
No, I demand custody of that child
right now.
356
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,240
That might be a bit messy, Jon.
True.
357
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:29,480
But as soon as you squeeze it out
I'll take Ferrari Sabrina Britney
358
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,720
to a safe house by the sea,
where we can frolic.
359
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,880
My God, will we frolic!
360
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:42,240
And there'll be larking, too.
My daughter will want for nothing.
She'll have dollies a-plenty.
361
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,720
And bears, but no clowns -
they scare me.
362
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:51,360
On a perfect summer's eve, when the
sun dances like...Michael Flatley,
363
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:55,880
after our spaghetti hoops we shall
run like billyo to a sea so calm,
364
00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:00,000
it would make
Des Lynam look like a scary wolf man.
365
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:05,920
She will be the most cherished little
girl in the world, my little Ferrari.
366
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,560
Jonny!
367
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,280
I'm not pregnant.
368
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,920
Well, thank fuck for that!
369
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:24,680
That was all right, everything
being OK between the pair of them.
370
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,040
Yeah. Can we talk about us? Well...
371
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,640
As long as the conversation
ends in sex, I'm fine.
372
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,640
It's not quite as simple as that.
373
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:38,280
What's simple about sex after the
amount of Stella I've drank tonight?
374
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,880
Well, um...
375
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:46,400
You know the situation
that Janet found herself in...
376
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,440
well, nearly found herself in? Yeah.
377
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,160
Well, I just think
you should know...
378
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:57,960
Hold on. I've got a surprise
for you. Have you?
379
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,160
Wait there.
380
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,240
DOOR CLOSES
381
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,320
Gaz?
382
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,600
Have you gone out?
383
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,280
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