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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:10,040
This programme contains adult humour.
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00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:39,440
Right, did you hear about
the farmer that took 40 Viagras
thinking they were sleeping pills?
3
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:45,400
No, what happened? The poor man! Did
his heart burst? Gaz, it's a joke.
4
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,240
Oh, didn't hear that bit. Go on.
5
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Went to bed and had 40 wanks.
6
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,600
Class!
7
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:58,560
I told you that
and you just shrugged. So?
8
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:03,040
You think it's funnier than Michael
Barrymore's elongated head now.
9
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,720
Well, that's cos I told it.
10
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,240
Elongated head? Yeah, it's like
he's trapped between lift doors.
11
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:15,840
Why didn't you laugh at ME?
You're not funny.
And Jonny's joke had a farmer in it.
12
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:20,760
Jonny thinks I'm funny, don't you?
Yeah, when you do that weird dance,
13
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:27,680
that's pretty funny. I don't have
a weird da... Are you talking
about my hip-hop style?
14
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:33,200
I thought that was really cool.
You can be really unfair sometimes,
Jonny.
15
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:38,160
Women aren't meant to make jokes.
Why can't we make jokes? That's
sexist.
16
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:43,480
It's not that you can't. You
shouldn't. It takes the attention
away from your breasts.
17
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:48,080
Well, what about French and
Saunders? Yeah, they've got big
ones.
18
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:51,920
No, do you think they're funny?
What, their tits?
19
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,480
If they juggled them around a bit...
20
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,800
Victoria Wood?
Tits in a tabard.
21
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,040
Lily Savage? Please!
22
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,760
Cracking legs, though.
23
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,200
Well, she has!
Pub. Now!
24
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,320
This top don't look dirty, does it?
No.
25
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:24,280
Me mum stopped doing my washing
when she saw I had a girlfriend.
26
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:30,920
What, does she expect Donna to do
it? No, you weren't listening.
She SAW I had a girlfriend.
27
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,360
She walked in?!
28
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,760
Donna was cool about it.
She just said, "Hello, Mrs Gaz.
29
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,560
"Would you like some
chocolate body gel? It's low fat."
30
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,280
Oh, no! So what did YOU do?
I just told her Donna was me cousin.
31
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:56,680
So I need a replacement mother.
The solemn echo
of single men everywhere.
32
00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:04,280
I need a sort of chunky woman,
you know, who brings me sandwiches
and puts Matey in me bath.
33
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:10,680
Why don't you just make
your own sandwiches? No way.
I do have me dignity, you know.
34
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:18,200
I'm gonna secretly manipulate her
into being housekeeper and sandwich
maker and she won't know a thing.
35
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:22,480
How do you get Janet
to do it for you? Well, she doesn't.
36
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:26,240
Well, wouldn't you like her to?
Nah.
37
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:31,160
My only problem with Janet is
I think she swears too much
for a girl.
38
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,480
Everybody swears
at Ricky Martin videos!
39
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:41,440
She could take the time to read
a book once in a while, as well.
40
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:46,240
YOU don't read books!
I read Alex Ferguson's life story.
41
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,760
Only so you could change the words
with a biro.
42
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:58,080
"The crowd roared as I shat in what
had been the queen's box. Scholes
left open his side of the bitch."
43
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,640
And I wish she'd wear more dresses.
44
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:07,840
Hang on, hang on. You want
a girlie girl who reads books? Yeah.
45
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:13,160
Who wears dresses and doesn't swear?
Yeah.
46
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,200
You fancy Louise.
47
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,800
No, I don't. I love Janet!
48
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:25,520
You might love Janet - ie not hate
her - but you really want Louise.
49
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:30,000
No, no.
She's too perfect for me, Louise.
50
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,240
She's got perfect skin.
51
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:38,520
Perfect hair. Perfect...nostrils.
52
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,120
Oh, my God! It can't be true!
53
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:48,000
All right.
Think about Louise in her underwear.
54
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:54,280
And it's like
black leather underwear.
55
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,040
With tassles.
56
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,960
She's saying...
57
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:07,240
"Jonny, leave your girlfriend
and come and live with me in
my commune of naughty rude ladies."
58
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,920
Thought about it?
59
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,800
I'm going to the toilet.
60
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,200
OK, who wants to hear my joke?
61
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,880
Forty wanks? Two words isn't a joke.
62
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,720
Unless it's like "Pretentious, moi?"
Now, that's funny!
63
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,880
No. Forty wanks is the punchline.
There's more before that.
64
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:41,360
Before the wanks? What, kissing and
that? I'd expect at least a Pernod.
65
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:46,680
Nope, forget it. I'm going upstairs
to find some joke books.
66
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,680
I'm going to make you all laugh
until you die.
67
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,840
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
Come on, Donna.
68
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,600
Laugh until I die?
69
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:25,240
Louise? AA-II-EE! I'm sorry.
I thought you were... Dead? Yes.
70
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:29,520
I was pretending.
Janet said she was going to kill us.
71
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,080
But how does she know? Know what?
72
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,840
Well, that I, um...
I, um...ate all the pies.
73
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:48,400
Jonny, can I ask you something
personal? Um, how personal?
74
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,840
Above or below here?
75
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:58,640
Oh, above. I won't involve you in
anything including the words pelvic
floor, yeast infection or panty.
76
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:03,640
You'll make someone a great wife.
I know. Jonny? Yes.
77
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,360
Do you think I have hairy arms?
78
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,920
No, I think you've got perfect arms.
79
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:15,200
Like a work of art. You have
arms like the Venus de Milo.
80
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:21,520
Oh! Even so, I think I'll try
some depilatory cream.
81
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:26,440
You're an inoffensive, non-sexual
man. You could come shopping with
me.
82
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:32,000
Um... I don't know.
Me and, um... Janet? Yes!
83
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:37,040
Mmm? We might be doing something,
cos she is my girlfriend.
84
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:42,840
What was that about me? Oh, here she
is! Isn't she great?! We have sex!
85
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,800
Jonny, shut up.
Listen to my joke. Go on.
86
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:54,600
OK. What's the difference between a
nun praying and a nun having a bath?
87
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,040
One has hope in her soul
and the other has...!
88
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:05,480
Oh, I'll never be funny!
You're just going
to have to fall over a lot more.
89
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:10,080
Balloons are funny. Making things
out of balloons. I love that.
90
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,480
I can do that, Louise!
91
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:17,000
Jonny, we don't have any balloons.
Ah, Jonny's lovely, isn't he?
92
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:21,080
He's going upstairs now to make
some sort of poodle out of balloons
93
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:27,600
or even one of those little sparkly
things made out of an old stocking
stuffed with newspaper.
94
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,960
See how it twinkles in the light
95
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:42,880
Louise said she liked them!
I like balloon animals.
Sausage dogs and giraffes.
96
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:46,360
I knew this guy
who made a balloon baby Jesus.
97
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,600
All right, Louise. This is, er...
98
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,880
..er, a pig!
99
00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:01,320
But without legs, so it's disabled
and thus politically correct.
100
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,320
Oink-oink!
101
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:08,680
Please look after me, Louise.
The farmer has eaten my legs!
102
00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:11,120
Aw! Give us a kiss!
103
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,840
Oh, my God! It's all slimy!
104
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:21,640
Very intelligentAll right.
You want intelligence? Watch this.
105
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:29,480
Ah-h! The Hindenburg disaster!
Ah-h! It's history, see, that.
106
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:34,400
That's a sick thing to do, Jonny.
A lot of people died there, Jonny.
107
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:39,680
Yes. Janet, can I take Jonny
shopping with me for hair remover
cream?
108
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,760
I've been looking for that!
109
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,320
What is it, your comfort poultry?
No, it was from me mum.
110
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:18,360
I'd get her leftovers, before
the chocolate body gel incident.
111
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:24,680
You can't live like this.
You might get mice.
Maybe the mice'd clean for me.
112
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,680
Bagpuss.
Given so many children false hope.
113
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:35,240
Yeah, I'm glad he got killed.
Bagpuss never got killed.
114
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,280
Oh, yeah. That was Tupac Shakur.
115
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:44,320
Some of this stuff's mine. Yeah.
Do you want me
to give you a hand tidying up?
116
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:51,920
Really? Yes.
And I don't have to secretly
manipulate you at all? Course not.
117
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,440
I am the Master of Cunning. C'mon.
118
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,600
What are you doing now? Arranging
my porn in alphabetical order.
119
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:21,960
From Aardvarks and Men,
A Lover's Guide
right through to X-Rays of Love.
120
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,560
OK, why don't you go out
and I'll do it myself?
121
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,440
I am the Master of Cunning!
122
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,920
Will you stop worrying, mate?
123
00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:38,680
Did you know that monogamy
is an anagram of "No go, Mammy"?
124
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,720
Why Mammy? The Black and White
Minstrels used to say it.
125
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:46,480
What about trust and love?
126
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,680
"Don't rave...slut!"
127
00:11:52,880 --> 00:12:00,360
Not the anagram, the real stuff!
Trust and love. Oh,
couldn't tell you about that, mate.
128
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:04,640
I could tell you about
domestic manipulation, though.
129
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:09,640
Even as we speak, Donna is
reorganising my porn by smell.
130
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,360
I think I'm in love with Louise.
131
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,720
And you want to know if Janet'll
let you give her one. Ye... No, no!
132
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,920
Listen to me. Everybody has
more than one woman in their lives.
133
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:28,600
What? Not me. I've never cheated.
No, you misunderstood.
Number 1 is Mummy.
134
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,320
I've never shagged my mummy!
135
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:37,080
No. She is Safe Woman. The one
you run to when woman number 2
dumps you.
136
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:42,680
And woman number 2 is? Janet.
And at the moment you've got
woman number 3 - Louise.
137
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:48,840
So does that mean I get
to slip her one? No, she's just
your girlfriend's sexy mate.
138
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:53,240
Let's call her Bathroom Buddy.
OK. So who else?
139
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:59,640
There's thousands of them.
The ones who you know fancy you,
they're the Ego Boosters.
140
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:06,200
Like that really fat woman who runs
the flower stall that I always
imagine naked... Naked and running.
141
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,280
Best keep that one to yourself.
Yeah.
142
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,360
I'm supposed to be going shopping
with Louise this afternoon.
143
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:20,440
There's your chance. Tell her. If
she vomits on you, obsession cured.
144
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,640
Yeah, but what if she tells Janet?
145
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:30,320
Girls don't tell each other
things like that, stupid!
Girls are loyal to men.
146
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,760
How d'you get red wine off mirrors?
With your tongue.
147
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,200
OK. Go on.
148
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:46,600
A nun is having a bath. There's
a knock at the door. Is this the
"blind man" joke? Have you heard it?
149
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:51,640
Nuns themselves would throw their
special nun vegetables at you.
150
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,720
Nuns don't have special vegetables.
They have ones like you and me.
151
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,680
I think you'll find
they have very special vegetables.
152
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:05,120
Mum, you shouldn't be eavesdropping.
It's my job, dear. If it wasn't you,
it'd be your sister.
153
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,000
Go and listen to her, then. God, no!
154
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:13,840
All she talks about is whether
or not she's pregnant this month.
I'd rather watch Quincy.
155
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:21,760
Have you not told her about birth
control? I am a connoisseur of
bedroom oopsies. YOU were one!
156
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:27,680
If I'd have gone to t'doctor
instead of Magaluf,
you wouldn't be here now.
157
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:33,240
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do! If it's jokes
you want, I'm your woman.
158
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:38,280
I was known as the "wisecracking
wag" during my days on the stage.
159
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,760
Sure it wasn't the "surefire shag"?
160
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:46,040
Thanks for helping me choose.
161
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:50,320
I mean there's so much choice -
gels, wax, strips...
162
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,800
And what was that yellow stuff
in cling film?
163
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:58,480
That was a Boots Shapers salad. Oh.
164
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:03,720
Jonny? Yes, Louise. Remember when
you shook me back to life yesterday?
165
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,440
Yes, I remember.
You touched my booby!
166
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:14,280
Well, I wouldn't have noticed.
I'm...I'm sorry, I really am.
167
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,000
I wouldn't think
you'd have done it on purpose...
168
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:30,320
Jonny! Kissed me...you did!
169
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,760
Eurgh! I beg your pardon?
170
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:43,640
Well, I said, "Eurgh!" But what
I actually meant was, "Bleurgh!"
171
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,080
You taste of lard!
172
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:51,120
But you kissed me. And that means
you fancy me more than Janet.
173
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,640
No, didn't you hear? Bleurgh-h!
174
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:57,480
It's like kissing the bits
they sucked out of Roseanne Barr.
175
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:04,840
I'm going home. To Janet. She tastes
of spearmint...and usually lager.
176
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:19,840
All right, Gaz?
Thank God for that! I'm so bored!
Donna's locked me out of the flat.
177
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:25,920
She's got rid of the smell of
halibut from the skirting. But she
won't let me back till it's perfect.
178
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,920
Ah, got flowers for me, mate?
179
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:35,440
These are for Janet.
That's very generous.
180
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,840
Nah. Not at all.
It was a fresh grave.
181
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:42,000
So you've done Louise, then?
182
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,720
No! No! No! She tastes funny.
What do you mean?
183
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,320
She tastes of lard.
184
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:55,480
I think we need to have
a little talk about women.
185
00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,440
Sometimes women need a little bit
of lubrication - know what I mean?
186
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:06,680
And if Louise chooses lard, so be
it. Who are we to be picky?
187
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,200
No, no, no...
188
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,760
I didn't. I just kissed her.
189
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:15,760
And she tastes rank.
I mean really, really she does.
190
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,640
And it's totally put me off.
I'm cured.
191
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:23,200
Good. I can fantasise about her
again without your face interfering.
192
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,960
And now I've got the added bonus
of lard to come into it.
193
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:34,000
I'm thinking of telling Janet. Are
you not fond of your genitals, then?
They're all right. Why?
194
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,760
Girlfriends don't enjoy stories
about kissing their best friend.
195
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:44,200
It makes them...what's the word?
Hell bitches! Don't tell her!
Nah. Nah. Janet won't mind.
196
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:49,920
All right. You can tell her in five
minutes. She's coming with Donna.
I thought they might dance for me.
197
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:55,080
Oh. The jukebox is broke.
You'll have to sing again.
You do backing? All right.
198
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,160
Here.
199
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,800
IMPERSONATES BEAT BOX
200
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,040
I'll get these.
201
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:13,000
Hello! All right. Hiya.
You'll love the flat.
202
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:18,920
It's like a place of tranquil...
Well, it's got the essence of...
203
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:23,920
We can do it there now. In the bed
instead of the fire escape. So...
204
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:28,440
Janet, sit here.
I've got a surprise for you.
205
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,400
Is it the flowers?
206
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,120
It's the flowers.
Surprise over - let's get pissed.
207
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,840
Gaz! Right. OK, everybody.
I've got a joke.
208
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,000
Please don't.
Oh... OK, listen.
209
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:44,320
"Doctor, doctor, I'm obsessed
with wife swapping." Doctor says,
"How does your wife feel?"
210
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:47,960
"Really firm and juicy.
How about yours?"
211
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:54,520
Oh come on, that is funny.
Someone's got to stop her.
212
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,320
She's been like this all afternoon.
Please don't. Shh. Listen. OK.
213
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,440
"Doctor, doctor, I don't find
my wife attractive any more."
214
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,560
"Well, I could recommend
a good psychiatrist."
215
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,520
"Oh, good. Do you know one
with big tits, then?"
216
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,560
Come on. Laugh! They're funny.
Please shut her up.
217
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,800
This one you will love. Listen.
218
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,400
"Doctor, doctor, do you have
anything to clear up diarrhoea?"
219
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,480
Jonny got off with Louise.
220
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,680
What?
221
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,440
Gaz!
222
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,640
I... Oh... I...
223
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,000
Take that, you leftover monkey DNA.
224
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,040
Oh.. Ow! Ah!
225
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:46,520
PHONE RINGS
226
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,000
Hello?
FRANTIC SQUEAKS
227
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,480
Oh, hi, Janet.
228
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,160
All right, then!
229
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,480
I'm going to the boys' pub!
230
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,520
Grrr!
231
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,040
Grr!
232
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,400
Janet...
233
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,600
Lard does not make it OK.
234
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,880
Yeah. That's what I said
when Gaz wanted to bum-love me.
235
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:39,000
I didn't enjoy it. He didn't.
It even made him get over
his obsession about her.
236
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:47,480
OK, look - we've all thought
about our friends' partners.
I bet you've thought about Gaz.
237
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,640
No, not in THAT way.
238
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,840
Not in a naked way.
239
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,720
Well, OK, in a naked way.
240
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:59,560
Thanks. Was I well endowed?
241
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,960
I can't really remem... Shut up!
242
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:06,120
I don't want to think of you
in a naked way.
The point is I never kissed Gaz.
243
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:11,400
Well, we could even the score now,
if you like. What about me?
244
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,080
Well, you could kiss Jonny.
245
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,120
What about me?
246
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:23,080
You'd carry on with me.
We'd have to include Louise.
Wouldn't want her feeling left out.
247
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,600
Louise!
248
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,080
What have you done to her?
If you've hurt my friend...
249
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:33,880
It wasn't him. I had an allergic
reaction to the hair-removing cream.
250
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,080
Oh, OK.
251
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,200
Well, then I'm going to...
Whoa! Whoa!
252
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:43,040
OK. OK. I'm fine. Calm. See. Right.
253
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,240
She won't know what to do.
Just let her go.
254
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,720
Sss! What...?
255
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,400
I don't know.
Oh, here you are!
256
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:04,280
But what I do know is this. Each
one of you has betrayed my trust.
257
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,840
Louise, you have the morals of a
magpie who haunts the same gene pool
258
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,320
as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner.
259
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,360
Gaz, you probably encouraged
Jonny so you deserve
260
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,280
to be pissed on by all five members
of the Grumbleweeds.
261
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,400
And Donna!
262
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,200
Donna, you knew about this
and didn't tell me - that is just...
263
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,520
that's just the worst of all.
Excuse me, I didn't know.
264
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,280
Well, you should've done.
265
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:30,360
I only knew where Gaz kept his
dwarf porn minutes before I told
you.
266
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:36,160
Will you call them
vertically challenged?!
Dwarf is a bit offensive, actually.
267
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,640
And Jonny.
Well, you just have bad hair.
268
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,960
What? What are you laughing at?
269
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:53,280
Well, it's funny. You're
really good at insulting people.
You what? Do me again. Do me. OK.
270
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:59,200
Well, Gaz, if you weren't with
Donna, I know a packet of Kleenex
with a lot of personality.
271
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:10,200
OK. Open your eyes...now.
272
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,120
It's like being inside a Care Bear.
273
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,000
Well, do you like it?
I got it all from Oxfam.
274
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,440
Have they got a sale on
for utter crap?
275
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,920
What have you DONE?!
276
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,840
I've tidied it, like I said.
You haven't tidied.
277
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:41,040
You've turned my manly abode
into a toilet roll advert!
278
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,040
Listen, there's nothing wrong
with the feminine touch.
279
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:48,040
The feminine touch is cleaning
the bath, buying groceries,
and the occasional hand-job.
280
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:54,200
This isn't the feminine touch!
This is a feminine headlock.
281
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:59,600
My God! I threw away all my
principles and I tidied your flat.
I bought you loads of new stuff.
282
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:04,040
There's even some fudge
in the fridge. It's girl food!
283
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,040
And this is how you repay me?
284
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:10,680
It's a shock, you know,
like being told you're going to die.
285
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:15,480
Only more pink. Look, look,
it's clean, isn't it?
286
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,120
I just thought you were going
to do my housework for me
like my mum used to
287
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:23,440
and also be a willing sexual
partner. That was my plan.
Gaz. What?
288
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,440
Don't forget your fudge!
289
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,200
My porn!
290
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,320
NOOOOOOOO!
291
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:48,400
Why shouldn't you try and change
a man's home? It was much nicer.
292
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,800
It was nicer for you.
293
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:55,800
But a man needs to feel that
he has his own space, away from us.
294
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,840
Even from a woman
as alluring as me.
295
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,840
KNOCK ON DOOR
Katie, it's open!
296
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:14,680
Gary, love. Come on in.
Have you come to see Donna?
297
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,560
Or me?
298
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,080
I've come to see Donna. Donna, I
think we need to talk. Yeah.
299
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,120
Mum, can we have a bit
of privacy, please?
300
00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:34,320
All right. I'm sorry. I'll go
and listen from the living room.
301
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,880
Can I sit down?
302
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:43,040
Well, I don't know. Maybe the chairs
here are too feminine for you.
303
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:45,720
This one here's going
through the menopause as we speak.
304
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,320
Donna. I'm sorry.
305
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,160
What? I was wrong.
306
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,680
Are you pissed?
307
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:57,120
Yeah, but I'm still sorry.
Right. And you're after a shag?
308
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:02,680
Well, yes, but I'm actually sorry.
You're sorry?
309
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,640
God, I'm good at this guilt thing.
310
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:10,560
It's just when you left I realised
it wasn't that bad, having the stuff
you'd chosen round the place.
311
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,000
But you still threw it out, right?
312
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:17,880
Well, yeah, but...
but I started thinking about us.
313
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:23,960
And I sort of realised that I didn't
want to lose you over something
like this, something so stupid.
314
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,640
Yeah?
315
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:31,440
But then I carried on thinking,
and then my brain started hurting
so I made a sandwich.
316
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:37,400
And then I thought some more
and I come to the conclusion...
317
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,640
I love you, Donna. Please forgive
me.
318
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,040
Yes, yes, yes!
319
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:01,160
You'll be moving out soon!
320
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,440
Or even getting married!
321
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,640
I've always suited hats.
322
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,320
Oh, Mum.
323
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,400
Master of Cunning.
324
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,760
You know, it's funny.
325
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:25,480
But if I hadn't kissed Louise,
you'd have never have got over
that whole joke business.
326
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:26,840
Mm-hm.
327
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:32,240
So...in a way it was probably
a good thing that I kissed her.
Mm-hm.
328
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:38,280
But you've got a really
angry-looking back so I think
I'll retract that last thing I said.
329
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,680
Nope. I'm not angry any more.
I've had my revenge.
330
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:46,120
What?
Saying I had bad hair? Excellent.
331
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,400
No, I snogged Louise.
332
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,840
And actually I...er...
think it's more mediciny than lardy.
333
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:57,760
Is that all? What do you mean, is
that all? Aren't you jealous? No.
334
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,800
Well, no, cos you see, I touched her
booby, so I think I'm ahead of you.
335
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:07,920
What? Right. Louise!
Get your tits out!
336
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,800
Why's life so big?
337
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,880
How do you feel?
338
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,960
It's not definite, though.
But it is a possibility.
339
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:33,240
How could you let this happen? I
thought you kept the alcohol level
in your blood too high to conceive.
30359
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