All language subtitles for Two.Pints.of.Lager.and.a.Packet.of.Crisps.S01E04.Angry.Wangry.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TBN_track3_[eng]

This programme contains
adult humour.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Right. OK.
Twelve down, Virgin tycoon.

Bill Gates.
LAUGHING
What?

Well, I wouldn't give him one.
His name is Richard Branson.

You see, you're so knowing, Louise.
I know.
It's because I'm at University.

Shame you left school when you did,
Donna. You'd have made a great
student, being such a big tart.

Seriously, Louise, d'you feel
improved by studying? Definitely.

Every aspect of your life improves.
Look at my bright eyes, clear skin.

Yes, and your healthy teeth and coat.

Do you think I could do it? Study?
Oh, well, I don't see why not.

I mean...you CAN read, can't you?
Course I can.

I read Romeo and Juliet, not five
years ago. OK. What was it about?

Well, it was about, well... Well,
mostly Leonardo DiCaprio's arse.

Your post-modern sarcasm
and Generation X nonchalance could
be just what our college needs.

Come and meet some people tomorrow.
What if they didn't like me?

They're students!
They love a bit of grit.

Janet! Stick to what
I've told you, aim low,

cos first comes university then
comes a love of all things cardigan,

then you end up on Countdown
talking about your spoon collection.

Well, I have spoons. And several
forks. Ooh, I could be a student.

I could be a vegetarian student.
Please don't ever combine
those words in a sentence again.

Oh, fantastic. You can meet
a lot of new best friends.

A world of knowledge
and depth of thought. Yes,
but we've got Catchphrase for that.

God, Louise, you're so irritating
sometimes. Look what you've done.

God, Donna, you're always
such an angry...wangry.

Nobody calls me a wangry.

You can channel your anger in other
ways, you know. Dancing or singing.

Oh, piss off!

If you was a woman,
who would you be?

Anna Kournikova.

You can't be Anna Kournikova.
I'd fancy you.

You'd never see me. I'd sit inside
all day playing with my breasts.
Who would you be?

What, as a woman? Mmm. Well, anyone.

Women have no trouble pulling, ever.

Why would you want to go on the pull?
You're a fully paid-up boyfriend now.
I don't. I wanna feel...appreciated.

Donna not cutting the crusts
off your butties?

It's not Donna. She's appreciative.
The bedroom floor's covered in
used Durex. It's like an ice-rink.

Is it me?
D'you want to talk about feelings?

No, don't be disgusting! It's them.

You want strangers to appreciate you?
Girls, in general.
They're not noticing me any more.

Did they ever? Apart from when
you'd turn your eyelids inside out.

They used to look at me,
with their lust eyes, like that.

Are you going to vomit? Stop it!
I'll hurt you, I know feng shui. No.

Something in them saw I was virile,
young, potential boyfriend material.

Yeah, but once you get
a girlfriend, women, they know.

They can smell it in the air. See it
in your eyes, hear it in your voice.
Can't they touch it in my Nissan?

'Fraid not.
You're attached and they know.

What can I do about it?
Nothing, you've got a girlfriend.
But I'm gorgeous, my mum says.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Look, who's nicer, right,
Catherine Zeta pre or post-Douglas?

Yeah, works both ways. Oh, my God.

I've got to get proof. I can't
believe my powers are dimmed.
Powers? What are you, Porno Man?

Right. Watch.
Watch and learn. Watch this.

Come to the pub disco with me this
Saturday. Well... I'm flattered,
but it's all so sudden.

And, besides, I don't want
to be second best to that hussy!

TV IS ON

Why are you wearing your glasses?

Because it makes me
look more intelligent.

But you're watching
Battersea Dogs Home.

Trying to impress Shauna Lowry?
Because people can't see you
when they're inside the television.

Yes, I know that.
I know a lot of things, actually.

Know where the piccalilli is? Had
to garnish this with egg custard.

D'you want a bite?
No, thank you, Jonny. I don't think
the educated eat egg custards.

From tomorrow I shall
only be eating Biscotti.

I always thought you were more a
Penguin girl, myself. Don't call me
that. Makes me sound thick, waddly.

Well, you're not thick.

You've got GCSEs. ..Admittedly,
only in Home Economics and PE...

But one day somebody might want
someone who can bake
and do sit-ups at the same time.

I am not stupid. Never said
you were. Well, you made fun
of my qualifica-SEEONS.

As long as you know when I want a
beer, your brain is doing just fine.

I'm going to meet Louise's uni
people. I'm going to be clever
and sophisticated. I'll show you.

I... I WAS actually
asking for a beer just then.

By the time I were your age,
I were quite a successful model.

When were you a model? I was
very experienced. Yes, I know that.
Once again, when were you a model?

I modelled for life classes at
the tech. ..What are life classes?

They're very sophisticated. You go
in, you take all your clothes off
and 15 people draw you in charcoal.

Sophisticated? Why didn't you
just lap-dance for a living?

I did that as well.

AND magazine work. Hey, would you
like to see them? I kept them all.

Readers' Wives...

Hirsute Pursuits,

Pregnant Mums.

Pregnant Mums? ..You didn't?

Relax. You were only a bump.

YOU are a sick, sick woman,

and you deserve to be whipped
in the streets like a dog.

You are a very angry young lady.

I'm not a very angry young lady.
I'm the picture of serenity until
I get told I was a foetal porn star.

D'you know,
you were even angry as a baby?

You'd scream when you were hungry,
when you were tired, when you wanted
changing. That's what babies do.

Calm. See? Very bovine. But you
won't keep it up. You never could.

I'll never lose my temper again. From
now on, nothing can aggravate me.

Nothing? Nothing.

..Even if I were to do this?

Because
I find that really irritating.

I feel like red lava spreading
through my veins and
building into a tight ball of
nausea.

Me pulse races
with unparalleled rage!

Maybe that's just me.
I won't get angry. See? I'm calm.

It's very nice to meet you, Janet.
I don't usually mix with the rustic.

Most of the rustic don't want to
better themselves. We chew hay.

That's not true, Cameron. Seriously.
I've never even seen a banana.

Oh, you poor thing...
You're being ironic, aren't you?

I don't know. Is that
the same as being a big, old bitch?
I suppose so. I don't know, really.

So, Cameron, do you want to tell
Janet about student life? OK.

First off, it's mad.
I mean, you just go crazy.

Once, when I stayed over,
we dressed vegetables as characters
from Coronation Street. Get this.

Deirdre Ra-swede!

Yes, you are mad. So, er, Cameron,
what course do you think
I would be most suited to?

Philosophy? Or Genetics, maybe?

Right. Louise and I have spoken
about this and we thought you should
try something a little less taxing.

When one is out of education
for a while, the brain begins to,
how shall I put this? Stagnate.

Moo-oo.

Oh. Tell you what, I know
the "special circumstances" person.

I'll get him to sort something out
for you. You are poor, aren't you?

..Good.
How do the letters NVQ sound?

Not...very...qualified?

They sound like the most exciting
three letters I've heard in ages.
Poor Jonny.

Who's Jonny? Is he educated?
Oh, no, he's a pleb. Right.

Louise! That's what we call
people who don't have degrees. It's
not offensive. I love it already

Most of my friends are plebs.
My mum's a pleb. Sometimes,
for fun, we pretend to be plebs.

Yes, watch this. Louise, do you
know all the words to Blue Monday?

No...

MUSIC PLAYS

Do you want a drink?

Do you wanna make jokes
about Muzzy Izzet's name?

D'you want something sharp
in the kneecap? I want summat sweet.

Nah, get us a beer, mate.
Have you spoken to Donna today?

Donna?

You mean me mum?
Me mother, Donna. Love me
mother, me. You're embarrassing me.

A man who's embarrassed about loving
his mother is a man without a...
Plate in his head. Shut up!

I'm not ashamed of being
in touch with my feminine side.
Or of yours, as a matter of fact.

Haven't I seen you
in here with your girlfriend? Me?

Oh, so you...so you noticed me?

So what was going through your head?
That your girlfriend
was wiping beer off your chin.

Oh, no, that was me mum.
You see, she's very protective.

She looks great for her age. Well,
she had me when she was... Seven?

No. I mean she uses,
you know, that moisturiser.

You know, the expensive stuff, you
know, with that dog placenta in it.
Oh, that is disgusting!

You look like you could use a bit
of placenta yourself, love. How
could she resist you after that

Who's your mate? What, Jonny?

Well, between you and me,
he's a bit shy and boring really.

Oh, the strong and silent type, eh?

Yeah, but him
and his girlfriend are mutants.

So you've got a girlfriend, then?
Yeah. Is she here?

No. She's gone to meet some students.

Students are really bad
for sleeping around, you know.

Let's hope she learns something
she can bring back home.

If I was her, I wouldn't let
a man like you out of my sight.
What about a man like ME?

You're shagging your mother.

You're chatting me up, aren't you?
You know you love it.

No, no, I love it. Go on, do me,
do me. Well, you are...
you are very fit,

and...and you do have, um...

breasts, but I can't... I can't talk
to you. Scared you might give in?

I mean, I do, as you pointed out,
have breasts. And...
and it's very nice to meet them,

but if a member of my girlfriend's
family saw me talking to them,
I'd have no bollocks to speak of.

Well, we could be having
an intelligent conversation.

What about? Manicures?
Michelle! This man is resisting me.

Don't be stupid, it can't be,
it's a man. Yeah, well, I wouldn't
resist you. I'm a real man, me.

What if I did this?

Well, what about this?

Yeah, that's...that's really good.
Very good work. Very good, very good,
but I can't talk, I'm very...

How about if we lez up?
Yeah, that'd work.

..No! I can't. I've got to go home,
There's a new episode of ER on.

Now, ladies.
I'm very turned on, right?

But I'm also very aloof
and I'll only like you
if you, as aforementioned, "lez up".

ER's on. See ya.

Right, then.

Let's bring it on. Won't
somebody think of the pectorals?

Hello. Donna! What are you doing?

Um... I'm... I'm scaring off
all the sexy women.

A perfectly reasonable explanation.
Wanna tell me why? Will you hurt me?

No, I'm... I'm managing my anger.
Why?

Well, they was all trying to seduce
me, with their breasts. Oh, right.

You thought you'd show 'em yours?
Yeah. That's what happened.
D'you want a drink?

AFFECTED LAUGH

Oh! Cheryl Blair. Such a pleb.

Please turn the pages quietly. No.

If you drank quality wine instead
of dirty beer, you wouldn't suffer.

You don't drink quality wine. You
drink alcoholic Vimto. Not any more.

Now I mix with the educated, what
passes my lips is old and French.

So...
So you're going to eat Edith Piaf?
At least your farts'd be tuneful.

I don't fart any more. With you, we
could make an ultra-powerful Jacuzzi,
if we just get like a tube and...

What d'you mean you don't fart any
more? I do not fart. It's obnoxious.

You'll explode!
Please, Janet, I'm begging you.

Well, Louise and Cameron don't fart.

You've met this bloke for
five minutes. Even I can hold it for
five minutes. Oh, actually, hang on.

KNOCKING
Oh, shit! That'll be Cameron now!

Feet, Jonny.

Cameron! Come on in!
Jonny, this is Cameron.

Oh, and, look, he's got his hair
in an amusing quiff.
How very amusing, Cameron.

Actually, I slept on my forehead
last night. D'you have tea? Or
coffee? Mellow Birds. Tea's fine.

Try to make sure it's not
a product of the slave trade. Right.

Oh, Janet, you... You don't read
this sort of thing, do you? Um...
No, it's mine.

And, before you ask,
Cameron, because I know you're dying
to, Jordan has the nicest knockers.

I only read the Socialist Worker.
Go, Trotsky, go! ..Tea.

CLEARING HER THROAT
Jonny? Can we sit down, please?
Course. Where are my manners, eh?

So, Cameron...

I hear you don't fart?

Cameron! I took note of
what you said about the slave trade,

so I've thrown out all the tea bags
that looked shoddily made. Biscotti?

No, I don't fart in front of people,
Jonny, no. See that, Janet?
It's only in front of people.

In front of me's OK. I find it rude.

You...you don't think farts are
in the slightest bit funny? No. Why?

Nothing. Just going to the toilet.

Janet, Cameron
has some really exciting news.
Oh, wow! This is so exciting.

I haven't told you what it is yet.
I know! I've organised a poetry
reading. Tonight, in actual fact.

Oh, Janet, you might want a tissue,
there's a bit of drool, just there.

Nothing that fancy, just like-minded
people putting the world to rights.
Oh, just like the Nazis, then.

Jonny! We are talking about poetry.

Poetry. What, like, um, "There
was a young man from Nantucket,

"If anything moved, he'd..." Jonny!

No, it's fine, Janet.
I mean, poetry can be expressed
in all sorts of ways.

..In fact, you're a piece
of poetry, yourself. Oh...

Janet?! What rhymes with Janet?
Apart from...granite.

Oh, dear. Poetry doesn't have
to rhyme, Jonny. Of course it does.

Why d'you think no-one's written
a poem about oranges? Stop it.
I am so sorry about this.

No, it's fine. In fact, Jonny's
making an interesting argument.
Oh, please, don't argue with me.

My brain's only capable of
stopping me farting in front of you.

Hey, Jonny, maybe YOU should come
to the poetry reading. Add
a bit of Bohemia to the occasion.

Bohemia? I'm not a Goth,
I'm just a bit pale this morning
cos of the dirty beer.

Actually, I used to write a bit of
poetry myself when I was at school.
The loneliness of adolescence.

No, no, no,
it was more about Damon Albarn.

You should perform tonight. New
people are very popular. You should.

And, Janet,
remember to bring your pain.

Yeah, don't worry, he'll be there.

KNOCKING
It's open.

Oh!

Hello, Gary, love! Come on in. Just
doing a little bit of housework.

I've come to pick Donna up for this
bloody poetry reading. Is she ready?

What're you doing,
going watching poetry?

When I were a girl, I used
to amuse meself by painting
giant penises on toilet doors.

Flo, I wonder, could I ask you
a personal question?

If it's about the giant penises,
I made them so they wouldn't be
intimidating. It's not that. It's...

Oh, God,
have you fallen in love with me?

No! Because that has happened
so many times.

No, no. It's... It's a question.

Does a man's sexual attractiveness
go down when...when he's involved?

Course it does, yeah. Oh.

But not yours. ..Really?
You're different.

You have a...rawness.

Oh, thanks for the advice.

In fact, I don't know why our Donna
isn't more grateful. Most women
would find you irresistible.

Oh... Goody.

If I'd just been three years younger
we'd probably have met around town.

Three years?
Yeah, that's when
I were barred from most places.

NERVOUS WHIMPER

What're you doing?

You want to feel attractive, don't
you? I... I... I suppose, yeah.

Well, your girlfriend's mother
must be the biggest taboo.
Well, that's... That's true.

You can't tell me you don't like it.

Just... Just don't think
I'm allowed.

You can sniff my hair, if you want.

I-I-I-If you insist.

Hello, Gary. Oh, shit!

Sniffing my mum's hair there.
And you, Mum. Fondling my boyfriend.

Donna, I can ex... You big lug.

Turning up early. You should know her
by now. She'd shag Aberdeen.

Your daughter's so cool.

Soon as I can afford it, I'll take
her on holiday where there's lots
of naked ladies, and she won't mind.

Oh, God, Louise, I am so nervous.

I really don't think I should
get up. Oh, go on, you've got to.

The last guy only did poems about
orange. Who knew borange was a word?

This evening is going so well.

A PhD in the exploitation
of youth, here I come.

Janet, what do you
have for me tonight?

Er, actually, Cameron,
I don't think... Janet.

You do know that public speaking
is integral to student life. Is it?

No. But please go on.
I've only got folk singers left.

Oh. Good luck. Hold on...!

Jonny, she needed it.

Hello. I would like to read
you one or two of my poems.

Come to me, I am woman.
Didn't Su Pollard sing that?

All the people, so many people,
they all walk hand in hand, hand in
hand... This isn't rustic, it's
crap.

All that she wants is another baby.
NOISY HECKLING

That's Ace of Base. Come on, please,
it's the future! I've got some more.

I can't watch this.

You big shower of bastards!

..A person comes up here, for
the first time, and what do you do?

This is a human being.
Oh, you students,
you all prefer dolphins, don't you?

Cos they smile and make clicky sounds
when you throw them mackerel.

Dolphins make you feel better
about your duffel coat-wearing,
couscous-eating,

"we smoke weed cos daddy said we
shouldn't" sad little life. Bastard,
arse-pissing, moon-wank twat!

Well, thank you to Jonny, there.
Certainly gritty.

I discovered him myself, you know.
He farts.

Let's go home. Jonny! Wait, look.

I know that Janet's a failure. But
you. I mean, what I'm trying to say
is, would you like a regular slot?

What?! You'd have to ditch the
girlfriend because of the groupie
potential, but I'd buy you whores.

OH!!

I really like the way we're going. I
had no idea you liked canals so much.

No, I mean... I mean us, you know?

No pettiness, no moodiness.
It's just perfect. Mmm.

And, you know, if things
keep going the way they're going,

one day, if you're lucky enough,
you could become Mrs Gaz.

Lovely. Seeing as you've become
so understanding, you should know

that the reason I had my top off
in the pub was...was so
all the sexy women would stroke me.

Super-duper. You're so great.

Would you mind if I made
a suggestion? No. I'd love it.

Maybe you could wear skirts
that leave less to the imagination,

and then other men might be
jealous of me. I wear clothes for
comfort, love. No, and you can tell.

And what about your hair? If I'm to
make you perfect, I've got to admit
that I've always loved auburn.

What? What is it? Gaz?

Yeah?

D'you fancy some sex?

No.

How about a digestive? Yeah.

I feel so stupid, Jonny.
Oh, you're not stupid.

Yes, I am. I hate Question Time
and Heart Of The Matter.

But you love Stephen Hawking. No,
I just think he has a funny voice.

I'm never gonna learn how to have
an intellectual discussion, though.

We have those. When?

Usually after about eight pints
of Stella. We talk about life.

Yeah, and death and sex
and politics and religion.

I'm never gonna learn how to become
educated and demure, though, am I?
Why would you want to do that?

Then you can't eat mashed potato
butties and piss in the sink.

Jonny? Yes, Louise?

Remember when you shook me
back to life yesterday? I remember.

You touched my booby.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sorry, I really am. I wouldn't
think you'd have done it on purpose.
Not with you being with...