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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040
This programme contains adult humour
2
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,480
Don't you ever worry
about your weight, Louise?
3
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:48,040
Nope, never needed to. I've been
the same weight since I was 14.
4
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,880
Did you not go through puberty? No.
5
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:55,040
Oh, come on! You've
not put on a pound in seven years?
6
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:59,880
Oh, maybe she's more active then us,
or maybe she's made of polystyrene.
7
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,320
Tell you what, get your scales.
8
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,920
I'm not being weighed
like some big...haddock!
9
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,520
No, it'll be fun. We'll all do it.
10
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,760
We can see who gets the slimmest.
Competitive anorexia!
11
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,880
I'm off down the Archer.
12
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,200
What's that? A rose.
13
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,880
For the love of my life. Ahh.
14
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,200
It's beautiful.
15
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,600
I made it from the old tissue
off the bedroom floor.
16
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:34,000
From...when I had that cold.
17
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:39,320
Jonny, you know that it isn't snot
sticking that together.
18
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,920
They're a lovely couple.
19
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:48,040
Listen, I won't be late.
But if I am, it's cos I'll have
drowned in a river of love.
20
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,280
Oh, true love.
21
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,160
No - blow job.
22
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,440
No - blow job. Right.
23
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,640
Who invented the pie?
24
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:13,600
I mean, what a genius! You've got
the subtle flavours of the steak,
the texture of the finest kidney,
25
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:18,440
all against the magnificent backdrop
of the crumbling, buttery pastry.
26
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,840
If that man was here now
I'd shake his hand. I'd kiss him.
27
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,240
You big poof!
28
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,680
Don't call ME a poof.
29
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,240
You still haven't rung that Donna
Janet set you up with.
30
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,720
Playing it cool, mate.
All women love a bastard.
31
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,480
I could be a bastard if I wanted to.
32
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:41,520
Remember, I showed you those
Polaroids that Janet posed for -
that was pretty nasty.
33
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,560
No, that was horny.
You've got to distinguish.
34
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:50,880
You're rubbish at being a bastard.
Janet looks at you like this...
35
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,640
Well, how would she look at me
if I WAS a bastard? Like this...
36
00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:59,120
You big poof!
37
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,720
When I decide to phone Donna,
she'll be putty in me hands.
38
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,480
She's probably sat now,
weeping into her handkerchief.
39
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:14,160
But Donna doesn't live in a Merchant
Ivory film. You should phone her.
40
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:21,040
What, like, "Hi, it's Gary. Really
enjoyed the other night. Fancy going
to the cinema some time, neh, neh?"
41
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:26,600
Well, yeah, everything except
the gay voice and the "neh, neh".
42
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:31,240
You should try it on Janet -
don't phone her for a week.
43
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:36,640
I live there. She won't notice. Are
you saying she doesn't notice you?
44
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:41,280
Not at all. It's just that we
communicate differently these days.
45
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:45,320
You know, put the kettle on,
what's on telly, fancy a shag?
46
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,360
Three phrases form the basis
of any long-term relationship.
47
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,800
You're being walked over, mate!
48
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:58,200
If you follow my plan of bastardry,
within a week she'll be all over you
like flies around shit.
49
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,320
Hey, that sounds too tempting
to miss
50
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,480
Are we all ready, then?
51
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,800
Why are you wearing pyjamas?
It gives a more accurate reading.
52
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,200
Anyway, they weigh less
than my smock frock.
53
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,520
I don't see why
I have to wear the swimming costume.
54
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:21,680
I don't want to catch
moaning thin person's disease.
55
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,200
Better to be a moaning thin person
than a moaning...
56
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:29,520
You were going to call me fat. No.
What, then? Nothing.
57
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:36,200
I was going to say it's better
to be a moaning thin person
than a moaning...architect.
58
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:42,920
Can we just do this? I'll go first.
For my height, Rosemary Conley says
I should be between 8.5 and 9st.
59
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,160
But, being such an ARCHITECT,
I probably weigh about 23.
60
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,920
Would you look at that! 8st 1.
Janet, where do you keep your pies?!
61
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,760
Me next.
62
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:58,240
Oh, 8st 3. But then,
I have been drinking treacle.
63
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:04,480
Right, Louise, your turn.
But, then...I don't think
these things weigh in ounces.
64
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:08,040
I do weigh something -
I'm not full of helium.
65
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,400
You just sound like it
when you get excited.
66
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:18,240
Well? Well, what? ..You're not the
same weight as you were, are you?
67
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:22,000
I'm 3lb heavier.
From this moment, I am on a diet.
68
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:27,200
By the end of this week, I'm going
to be exactly the same as when I was
14.
69
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:32,120
What, start shoplifting again?
And pretending to be Glaswegian?
70
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,680
And rocking back and forth
in the darkness of your room...
71
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,160
Just me, then.
72
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,640
What are you wearing?
You look like some sort of lesbian.
73
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,000
I've decided to exercise more.
74
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,320
Is that why you're sweating so much?
I haven't started yet.
75
00:05:55,320 --> 00:06:00,720
In my day, we couldn't nip to the
gym in times of slight chubbiness.
76
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,680
We had to become addicted to speed,
like Twiggy.
77
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,480
..You were never addicted to speed!
78
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:13,840
How do you think
I managed to stay so slim
when I were pregnant with you?
79
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,640
I could have been born deformed!
80
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,440
Could have been?
81
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:27,240
It's all me, me, me with you -
probably why your date
hasn't phoned.
82
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:32,320
I don't mind. I had a nice evening
and I'm happy to leave it at that.
83
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:38,560
Donna, I'll never say this again,
so listen carefully...
84
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,120
Bollocks!
85
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:49,200
Women are just not suited to having
one-night stands. We're predisposed
to getting clingy and possessive.
86
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,320
And men love us for it.
87
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:54,400
Well, I didn't sleep with him!
And how would you know anyway?
88
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,480
I wash your knickers.
89
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:07,480
Maybe I did sleep with him, but
it's the 21st century and women can
have one-night stands too, you know.
90
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,200
And who do you think men were having
one-night stands with in the '70s?
91
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:14,000
Well, mostly you.
92
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:19,280
I guarantee, within the next
few days, you'll be phoning HIM.
93
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,720
Donna, don't try being a feminist.
You're a woman.
94
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:08,440
Mum!
Mum, can you bring the shears up?
95
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:50,080
Jonny, what are you doing? Will you
please stop acting like a knobhead?
96
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,200
You're making me nervous.
97
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,560
Nervous?
Yeah, that's part way there.
98
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,200
Are you intimidated, yet aroused?
99
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,880
No, more irritated and unshaven.
100
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,040
Come on, give me a back rub.
101
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:09,520
No! No, there's going to be
no more back rubbing. Things
are going to change around here.
102
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:16,040
Oh, good. Are you going
to start wearing deodorant?
Not that sort of change.
103
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,400
Well, can you start anyway, please?
104
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:24,520
No, because I'm a man and, as a man,
I can do exactly what I like.
..Well, go on, then.
105
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,640
Well? Well, what?
106
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,600
Well, nothing's changed.
Internally it has.
107
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,600
Rrrgh!
108
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,640
I see what you mean.
I brought up a bit of phlegm there.
109
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:58,040
I deserve more respect than this
and over the next few days I WILL be
acting, as you say, like a knobhead.
110
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:02,080
And, er, what will that do?
It'll make you want me.
111
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:06,400
I'm sorry, but I'm going to be
horrible for a few days
112
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:13,400
and then you'll appreciate it more
when I'm nice to you.
It'll improve the relationship.
113
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:18,080
Oh, Jonny that is so sweet!
Oh, come here, babe.
114
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:23,400
I mean...
Anyway, I'm going down the pub.
115
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,840
But you never go down
the pub on a Tues... OK.
116
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,200
I'm quite good at being nasty.
117
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,960
It's like living with Satan himself.
118
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,640
Except Satan doesn't like S Club 7.
119
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,120
Why hasn't he rang? It's two hours.
120
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:52,760
Oh, dear. Germaine Greer would be
turning in her grave, wouldn't she,
darling? Germaine Greer isn't dead.
121
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:56,040
OK, she'd be turning
in her KY Jelly, then.
122
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:03,920
Why hasn't he called me? Maybe he
only slept with me cos he thinks I'm
prettier than the palm of his hand.
123
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,720
Oh, don't say that, darling.
Thanks, Mum.
124
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,440
Some men
have actually got lovely hands.
125
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,680
How do I get him to like me?
126
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:18,680
Well...a bit of facial waxing
wouldn't go amiss.
127
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:23,520
As the Bible says, hairlessness
is next to godliness.
128
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:30,280
..I haven't got a hairy face. And,
anyway, some men like the natural
look. It says so in my magazine.
129
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,800
And what magazine's that?
Is it one from Russia?
130
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,680
Right. I'm going round to Janet's,
all right?
131
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,920
Don't have too much to eat,
I'm making takeaway for tea.
132
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:53,600
You'd have thought he'd have rang,
wouldn't you?
133
00:11:53,600 --> 00:12:00,040
How long did it take Jonny to phone?
Well, he stayed over here the first
night we met and...he's still here.
134
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:03,920
He hasn't even asked me
to go out with him yet.
135
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:08,920
That's it. I'm going to go and tell
him that I'm only interested in sex.
136
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:15,040
Are you? Yes! Strike a goal for
feminism. Treat him like a tampon -
dip him in once, throw him away.
137
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:22,440
But you will get all clingy and
possessive, won't you? Yeah, I will.
138
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,080
KNOCKING
That'll be Jonny.
He's been gone ages.
139
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:30,440
We're doing this thing where
he treats me mean to keep me keen.
140
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:35,680
Does it work? Don't know. It's nice
to get him out of the way, though.
141
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:39,200
Gives me a chance
to play with me verruca.
142
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:46,400
What's wrong? Jogging.
A thin person who exercises!
Well, where's the humanity?
143
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:50,640
Shall I get you a glass of water?
No. Too many calories.
144
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,440
Then let me make you a sandwich.
You look like a very sweaty corpse.
145
00:12:55,440 --> 00:13:02,960
No! You just want me to be fat.
I've got to beat Rosemary Conley,
the bitch. I wanna see bone.
146
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:09,760
Louise, if you get any bonier,
you'll look like the Jolly Roger.
Makes me sound like a fat butcher!
147
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,240
Did you say fat butcher
or Pat Butcher?
148
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,920
How's my plan going with Janet?
149
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,960
All right. She thinks
it's quite sweet, actually.
150
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,760
Sweet?!
151
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,880
That's not the plan! You're supposed
to ignore, intimidate and abuse.
152
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:34,160
That's not sweet.
It is when I do it.
153
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:38,640
Treat her like you don't need her
any more. But I do need her.
154
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,800
She makes me houmous.
Man can't live by houmous alone.
155
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:48,840
He lives by respect, dignity and
constant adoration from his woman.
So why aren't you dead, then?
156
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,400
I'm laying down the seeds to my
reign of power over Donna.
157
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,840
The more I don't phone, the more
insecure she becomes.
158
00:13:55,840 --> 00:14:00,840
Soon, she will give in to my
constant demand for sexual
gratification.
159
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,360
Constant demand?
Anything can get me going, mate.
160
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:10,720
Remind me NOT to sit next to you
next time Man City score.
Could have my eye out.
161
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:18,600
Just stop acting so nice.
Try to be more like James Bond -
love 'em and leave 'em and all that.
162
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:25,320
But I don't want to leave her. And I
don't want to shag Honor Blackman,
now she looks like my Auntie Mavis.
163
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,840
Trust me. If you want to be
a stud like me, make 'em beg.
164
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,640
Oh, my God.
165
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:41,200
Marry me. Get up. We need to talk.
Oh, please don't dump me.
166
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:49,920
You have a nice body and I'd like
to bounce around on it occasionally.
167
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,840
No boyfriendy, girlfriendy stuff.
Then why not say you were coming?
168
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,760
Trying to catch me with some
barmaid?
169
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,640
The barmaids call you Scabby Gaz.
170
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,640
Yeah, well, they call you...Donna.
So there.
171
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:08,800
The point I'm trying to make is that
I'm just after sex, sex, sex,
then sex and then sex.
172
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,160
Really? Really.
I'm a big tart. I love it.
173
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,480
Really?
174
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,040
Really.
175
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,560
And you won't get all clingy
and possessive? Would I do that?
176
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,120
Well, let's get started!
177
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,480
PHONE RINGS
178
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,040
It might be important.
OK, I'll start without you.
179
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,400
Can you not do that?
It makes me insecure.
180
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:39,280
Hello?... Er, yeah.
..It's for you.
181
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,600
For me?
182
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:42,880
Hello?
183
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,480
No. ..No way!
184
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,520
Gaz...would you like
to meet my family tomorrow?
185
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:05,760
Yes!
186
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,320
Yes!
187
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,800
Thank you, God.
188
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,280
In your face, you fat slag!
189
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,280
Jonny?
190
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,640
Jonny?
191
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:37,880
'Janet, I have gone out. Don't know
when I'll be back. Maybe never.
192
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:42,320
'The housework better be done
if I do come back, though,
193
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:46,760
'else there'll be trouble
and I may even smack you one.'
194
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,080
'PS. Love you loads, Chicken-bunny.'
195
00:16:55,120 --> 00:17:00,160
So, for three hours, I've got to
discuss the finer points of
broccoli,
196
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,120
or look at photos of you aged six.
197
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,800
There's only so many times I can
say, "Weren't you cute?"
198
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,120
Then I think,
"At least your tits have got
bigger."
199
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:14,080
You said no commitment! I meant it.
So why should I meet your family?
200
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:20,120
We need one more person
for our Jackson Five reconstruction.
Since Grandad died, there's no Tito.
201
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:24,520
I thought we were going to have sex
without doing coupley things.
202
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:30,520
We're already arguing
about my mother. Why don't you
dump your porn and buy a dog?
203
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,080
A labrador doesn't
compensate for porn.
204
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,360
Well, not unless it's got big tits.
205
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:39,360
Do you want me to come or what? No!
Why not?
206
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:45,520
My mum would ask loads of questions
and then I'd find out you were
some fanatical meteorologist
207
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:51,680
and when we had sex I'd see Ulrika
Jonsson floating in front of me.
Like I don't
208
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,440
So you don't want to come, I don't
want you to come - problem sorted.
209
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,200
Now let's go and pay a little visit
to Ulrika!
210
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,080
You really think I'm great?
211
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:09,600
I'm only here cos you said you could
tie a cherry stalk in a knot with
your tongue. Did I? No. But can you?
212
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:14,440
I'll practise with a liquorice lace.
How's me hair? Fine. Yeah? Yeah.
213
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,040
Mum says come in.
214
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,320
Mum, this is Gary.
215
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,240
Oh, my pleasure!
216
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,560
You will call me Flo, won't you?
As in Floella,
217
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:40,280
as in Benjamin, as in Playschool,
as in Children's TV has-been.
218
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:44,560
She's very proud of that.
I was nearly called Little Ted.
219
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,360
It's a pleasure to meet you too,
Flo. You are a one, Gary!
220
00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:03,600
Well, you two park yourselves
and I'll go finish
scraping the fat off the salad.
221
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,080
So, where's your dad? Oh...
222
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,480
he's in here.
223
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:21,840
Oh, I'm sorry. No, he's not.
He's alive. He just doesn't like...
224
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:28,800
People. Well, not people per se,
just his own children. I was
kept in a cage till I was five.
225
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,800
He works away a lot.
226
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,200
So, do you get much sex, then?
227
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,600
Yes, Katie, all the time.
228
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,280
Would you like a drink?
Er, yeah, thanks.
229
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,680
So, what's your favourite position?
230
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,560
Donna! What?
231
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,680
Er, c-can I have a cup of tea? Yeah.
232
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:08,240
Tea? Tea! What have you been doing
to him? And I suppose he watches
Last Of The Summer Wine videos,
233
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,240
like you did when you were 19. No!
234
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,520
There you go, Gary,
get that down you.
235
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,320
Bottoms up.
236
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,160
Oh! Come on through -
chicken's nearly boiled.
237
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:48,400
What does our Gary do for a living,
then? He's an entrepreneur, kind of.
238
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:55,320
Oh, my ex-boyfriend was
an entrepreneur. It means he sells
his mum's jewellery to buy drugs.
239
00:20:55,320 --> 00:21:00,880
That sounds lovely. Well, you know,
I'm more of a mechanic these days.
240
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,280
Oh, shame.
241
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,560
Do you like children, Gary? Mum!
242
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:12,440
No, it's all right. My sister's got
two or three now. We're very close.
243
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,720
And how old is she?
244
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,440
Er...she's just turned 19. Oh, dear.
245
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:25,000
Well, we'll have to send some
leftovers round when we've finished.
246
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:30,600
He is LOVELY looking. How did you
manage to...? Never mind.
247
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,760
PHONE RINGS
I'll get it.
248
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,880
You know,
you've got a beautiful daughter.
249
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,360
Our Katie? She plays volleyball
as well, don't you, love?
250
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:46,800
..Oh, no. I mean,
you've got two beautiful daughters.
251
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:47,840
Oh.
252
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,840
Everything all right, Gary?
253
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,640
Hot sprout. Thank you!
254
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:05,200
That were Janet. Jonny's gone
missing. We've got to go. Sorry.
255
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,200
He has. He really has left me.
256
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,680
He's not been back all night,
Louise!
257
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:21,600
I should have taken his bastardry
more seriously. Oh, there, there.
258
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:26,640
Did I tell you I've lost loads
of weight? I thought it was a
game...
259
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:33,440
and now he's probably shacked up
with some blonde aerobics instructor
who actually cleans the oven!
260
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:37,200
No! He's probably
just been run over or something.
261
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,760
Or... Have you checked the pubs?
262
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:44,880
We have. We even went to that new
lap dancing place.
263
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,080
We spent all our money on the fat
one for a laugh.
264
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:51,760
It was hilarious.
That's why we're a bit late...
Sorry.
265
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:56,680
Did he take any of his clothes? No.
Just his roller blades, bizarrely.
266
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:01,240
Shall we call the police? I already
have. ..It's all your fault, Gaz!
267
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:06,480
I just said that if he ignored you,
he'd get more sex. Oh, did you?
268
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,960
Has he taken anything else?
I don't know.
269
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,760
Oh, my God!
Where is the Debbie Gibson CD?
270
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:19,600
Oh, yeah, we burnt that one night
in a solemn tribute to Billie.
271
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:26,040
Let me see the suicide note again.
It is NOT a suicide note!
Sorry! Just got caught in the drama.
272
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,080
Chicken-bunny?
273
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,840
That was his special name for me.
274
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:38,080
I don't know what you're
laughing at, Sergeant Snuggles.
275
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:43,160
It is not Sergeant Snuggles! I like
to be called The Mighty Rod, in
fact.
276
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:50,680
Could everybody concentrate on
my grief, please? Exactly! Can we
have a bit more sensitivity, please?
277
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:55,160
Have you tried his ex-girlfriend?
She was a fox. Gaz!
278
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,600
No, no, he won't be there.
No, stop crying...
279
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:03,000
Cos he left her, didn't he,
for someone more homely...and round.
280
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:07,440
Have you tried his mum?
He could be there.
281
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:13,200
I am not telling her he's lost.
It was bad enough when I broke
his nose with the remote control.
282
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:17,600
You broke Jonny's nose? He wouldn't
let me watch Coronation Street.
283
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,160
That's fair enough. Thank you.
284
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:25,800
When did he go missing?
Yesterday morning. And he hasn't
been back all night? What a bastard!
285
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:31,240
Exactly! He's trying to sex you up.
Yeah, well, really not working.
286
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:38,400
It is, cos on his return you'll be
so happy to see him you'll just fall
into his arms like a bitch on heat.
287
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,600
Charming metaphor, Gaz, but that
will not be happening. Oh, it will.
288
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:47,400
No, it won't. I think it will.
It certainly will not be.
289
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,600
All right Gaz? All right, Jon.
290
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,480
Jonny!
291
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,000
All right. Speak to you later. Bye.
292
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,360
Is he OK? Yeah, he's in hospital.
293
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:26,000
He's concussed. What happened?
294
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,080
He tried to help an old woman cross
Church Street.
295
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:33,040
She took it as an affront to her
principles and twatted him.
296
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,120
TOY SQUEAKS REPEATEDLY
297
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:42,360
Have they said how long
they're gonna keep you in for? Just
until they're sure my brain's OK.
298
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:47,920
Why did you do it, Jonny?
I'm sick of being a chicken-bunny.
299
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:52,760
Want to be bunny from hell? Granada
will only make a docu-soap
about you.
300
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:57,280
It's like... I can't even be nasty
to YOU and you're me girlfriend.
301
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:01,600
Jonny, it'd be totally out of
character for you to be nasty.
302
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,560
You never forget the washing up,
or to pumice my corns.
303
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,840
You didn't even show those Polaroids
to your mates. Now, that IS amazing.
304
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:23,440
It's not broken, but I think I need
looking after for a bit. Right. I'll
ring you a taxi to your mum's, then.
305
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,960
Oh...! No! I'm not your wet nurse.
All I want is sex, sex, sex.
306
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,680
Sex, sex, sex? Where's the love, eh?
307
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:34,040
'Ere, I could get you
a nurse's outfit.
308
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,520
Who from? Jonny. Jonny wears
nurses' clothes? It's complicated.
309
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,880
Hey, I can go home. Nice one.
310
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:46,880
Oh, Janet, is there any chance me
and Donna can borrow your nurse's
outfit?
311
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,920
Um, about those Polaroids...
312
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:04,320
This is stupid. I've not even been
on a diet, and the only exercise
I've had is with Gaz. Actually...
313
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:09,480
No, forget it. Semen contains
almost 5,000 calories per 100g.
314
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,400
Is that
from the Rosemary Conley book?
315
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:17,240
No, it's on my Cindy Crawford video.
She's a walking advert for spitting.
316
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,520
..Mind you, Gillian Taylforth
don't look too bad.
317
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,360
Maybe that's all she eats.
318
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:28,600
Come on, you two. I've been waiting
for this for days. Go on, then.
319
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,280
Yes!
320
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,000
Ohh!
321
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,280
What? What is it?
322
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:40,480
Your thighs. And your buttocks.
I know, I'm thin, aren't I?
323
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,160
Yeah, but... Look at... Oh, that's
minging! You've been...stretched.
324
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,600
Oh, my God! What is it?
325
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:51,400
Stretchmarks - from losing weight
too fast. They fade in time, though.
326
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:57,320
Fade? To what? Little, silvery
lines. I'll look like a stickleback!
327
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,960
Some men find them quite sexy.
Really? No!
328
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,440
Who wants a relief map of Borneo
on their thigh?
329
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,760
But... All my work.
All pointless. What do I do?
330
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,360
Janet, where do you keep your pies?
331
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:14,640
Forget the pies!
Get me some spunk... NOW!
332
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,000
I don't feel welcome.
You don't live here.
333
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,160
I'm going.
334
00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:30,560
When are you coming back for more
sex? When Uranus circles...Mars!
335
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,680
Me arse?
336
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,720
By the way... 17 down, 4 words -
337
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,160
there's no such film
as Bone With The Wind!
30850
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