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This programme contains adult humour
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with bubbles in it
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handle anything stronger now
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Gaz, why haven't you got
a girlfriend? Cos I like my freedom.
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I'm a man about town. A man
of mystery. See all, say nothing.
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00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,440
Hey, yeah,
that's just like me nan, you know.
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Since her lobotomy, you know.
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Sees all, says nothing.
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Eats a bit of shepherd's pie,
says nothing.
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No, I go with the flow,
keep it casual.
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Single dude with his mind on his...
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00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:12,080
Food? If you were to go out with
a woman, what would she be like?
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Blonde. Definitely blonde. I've
never dated a brunette in my life.
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How come? I had Sue Lawley nightmares
as a child. Hmm.
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00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:26,440
OK, so she's blonde. What else?
Nice smile, well-stocked fridge.
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00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:30,040
Takes me to the pictures
on me birthday.
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Has a Ford Mondeo.
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Lets me stay out as late as I want.
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You've just described your mother.
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Eurgh. Oh, no!
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I'm picturing me mum naked now.
22
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,280
Eurgh! Eurgh! Get out!
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Eurgh! Oh, no, no! I am, as well!
EURGH!
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00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,680
We look like we're auditioning
for Rainman.
25
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,640
Maybe I should get myself
a girlfriend.
26
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:14,520
Stick to your role as single friend
so you can get me out of the house
while Janet delouses the sofa.
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I'll stick to my pornography.
It won't embarrass me in the pub.
28
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,760
Donna? No!
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00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,360
Why?
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00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,080
Janet? No. Why? I'm a student.
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I can't afford cigarettes.
Get a job, Louise, then you can
finance your own lung cancer.
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00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,560
I've never had a job. Like the Queen?
33
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:54,840
Yeah, but with better hair.
There's a job going here. You'd make
a great barmaid, being Australian.
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I'm English. Your capacity
for alcohol confuses me sometimes.
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00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:04,280
You're right. I'd make a great
barmaid, even without experience.
36
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:08,920
More wine, gentlemen?
Oh, capital idea. Cinzano, ladies?
37
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,760
You're spoiling us! Here's 20 quid!
38
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:19,280
Louise, it's a job in the Mayhew.
People here are happy if their beer
doesn't taste too much like beef.
39
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:23,800
I'm going to apply and be
the best barmaid you've ever seen
40
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:28,120
and then I'll buy us all fags.
I'd better get off.
41
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,640
Jonny'll be home soon.
42
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:35,160
I wish I had a boyfriend.
You could easily get a boyfriend.
43
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,960
What about that Colin?
What, the drain guy?
44
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:45,200
"I like you. You're like a rat.
It's all in the face!"
There are no men left.
45
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:50,200
You can find one on every street
corner. No, that's whores, Janet.
46
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:57,120
Why don't you come home with me?
Jonny brings his mate Gaz back
on a Thursday. Is he nice?
47
00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:02,160
He's a bit thick and very masculine,
so commitment might be a problem.
48
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:07,400
But Jonny did say he was hung like
a donkey. Sounds all right, then.
49
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:12,040
I've got an interview tomorrow.
Pernod and black, ladies?
50
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,160
No!
51
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:19,800
How did you keep Jonny?
I got into his head,
52
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,320
a bit of male psychological
manipulation.
53
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:27,400
And getting my baps out
didn't do any harm either.
54
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,640
Hiya. All right?
55
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:36,680
Hello. Hello, baby. Hiya, Donna.
Gaz, you haven't met Donna, have you?
56
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,800
No. You picked us up
from football once.
57
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,440
Right! Didn't recognise you
without the BO.
58
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,960
So, are you still
into your football, then?
59
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,120
I don't play as much
since the injury.
60
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:57,200
It was only a bruise. The doctor said
I had a strained bollock.
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00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,160
Yes, that's the medical term for it.
62
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:05,280
Donna loves football, don't you?
Man United - away the Toon Army.
63
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,320
That's Newcastle.
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You didn't let me finish.
The Toon Army...stinks.
65
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:17,160
I don't like Newcastle either.
There's no Miss Selfridges there.
66
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:22,440
Ignore him. He hasn't got a clue
about football. ..God, I'm starving.
67
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,960
We should've picked up that curry.
Donna likes a curry. ..Don't you?
68
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:31,400
Vindaloo, yeah, with pickled
whole chillies on the side.
69
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,480
Christ! I wouldn't like to see
your bathroom the next morning.
70
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,440
No, not at all. Arse of steel, me.
71
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:42,440
She could pass a cruise liner,
could our Donna.
72
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:45,160
I'm impressed. Really? Yeah?
73
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:49,800
It's always impressive to men
when a girl's skill lies in crapping.
74
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:57,680
And she can drink too,
can't you, Don? Oh, aye, yeah.
Five pints, still standing.
75
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:03,480
Five pints ain't that much. Did I
say five? I meant five...teen pints.
76
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,920
What a great bloke.
77
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,080
You're not gay, are you, love?
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00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,960
No.
79
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:18,280
Celibate? No. That is something
you don't want to be doing.
80
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,120
Once you dry up, it never comes back.
81
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,560
I've got no intention of drying up.
82
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:29,760
Your Auntie Betty, the nun,
creaks when she walks now.
83
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:34,600
Remember cousin Jade's christening?
Betty, late, running into the church,
84
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,120
sounded like a seal sanctuary!
85
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:43,120
Well, I'm not gay or celibate
or creaky.
86
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,360
What is it, then?
Do you just repel men?
87
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:55,640
I've got a date. Don't wound me with
your desperate lies. A mother knows.
88
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,520
I'm not lying. So what's his name?
89
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,880
It's...Gaz.
90
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,040
Gaz?
91
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:09,200
My God. Sebastian or Toby
too much to ask for?
92
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:14,200
They're labrador names.
Beggars can't be choosers!
93
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:19,960
Janet? It's me. ..Yeah, right.
I need a man. ..Well, what about
Gaz?
94
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,440
That's my first question answered.
What?
95
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,600
Do you smoke?
I've not got a habit, or anything.
96
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,840
You've already smoked that
down to the filter!
97
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,680
I was finishing it for a friend.
But there's no-one else here.
98
00:07:55,680 --> 00:08:02,440
Either you have smoked that cigarette
in 30 seconds flat or you've picked
an old butt out of the ashtray...
99
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:09,680
I see.
Listen...can we start again, please?
100
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:14,080
OK. First question. Do you smoke?
No.
101
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,400
OK. Have you ever worked in a bar
before?
102
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,880
Not exactly,
but I used to play netball.
103
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,040
Excuse me?
104
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,720
Teamwork!
105
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,280
See?
106
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:30,520
We've got lots of candidates to...
SHE WHINES
107
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,920
That means you hate me.
108
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:37,800
And I'm so nice. Listen, I really
need this job. I'm a student.
109
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:42,040
We need experience, a team player.
Ah-ha!
110
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:48,520
Yeah, lovely.
Please, I can't afford to eat.
111
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,280
This should keep you going
for an hour or so.
112
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,920
Oh! Here you are. Ah.
113
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,920
Gaz and Donna got on well,
didn't they?
114
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:17,360
I am not setting them up. Gaz does
not want a girlfriend, end of story.
115
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:26,520
If you don't do this for me,
then...I will cry. Go on, then.
116
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,040
Well, OK. All right.
117
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,000
MOCK SOBBING
118
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,720
SHE WAILS
119
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:43,680
Jonny, look what you're doing!
Look at...!
120
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,720
SHE SCREECHES
121
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:55,240
No crying in the kitchen.
You'll upset my cosmic balance.
122
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:01,080
Until you ask Gaz out,
I am not going to have sex with you.
123
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:07,520
Janet, you know I can hold out
longer than any other man I know.
Yeah, I know.
124
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:11,320
Look, I don't want Gaz
to go out with Donna.
125
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:18,160
It'll be Scrabble evenings
and fondue parties and you'll
follow us around making us biscuits.
126
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,840
But you love biscuits.
127
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:26,360
We can go to the circus together,
it'll be fun. No, it won't.
128
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,880
We'll turn into coupley couples.
129
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:33,400
I saw it happen to my mum and dad
and Mr and Mrs Pritchard.
130
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,920
First came rambling weekends
and museum visits,
131
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:43,360
and then they met
these other couples and started
this weird car key swapping thing.
132
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,440
That WAS a joke, wasn't it?
133
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:52,920
What's so funny about driving
someone else's car? Nothing.
134
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:59,040
Jonny's definitely gonna ask Gaz,
then? Definitely.
135
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:03,760
Or I'll tell Gaz what
his favourite film is. What is it?
136
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:11,480
Titanic. I don't know if it's the
sentimentality or Kate Winslet's
tits, but he's seen it 17 times. 17?
137
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:16,520
That's more times than I've seen
naked men. How many have you seen?
138
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:21,080
16 and a half. Half?
He only had one bollock. Nice.
139
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:28,120
With my expert blackmailing skills
and Jonny's powers of persuasion,
the date is as good as secured.
140
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,440
Gaz? Yeah?
D'you wanna go out with Donna? No.
141
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,880
Pint, then? Yeah.
142
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:41,640
Two pints of lager.
And a packet of crisps, please.
143
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:46,120
Excuse me? Yeah? Did Louise get
the job? No. Why not?
144
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:51,680
She had a great set
and fantastic ball skills,
but she was a complete dickhead.
145
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:57,120
She wants to be noted for her
talents rather than her...huge CV.
146
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:01,480
How impressive
She puts out for a bag of peanuts.
147
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,960
What does this Gaz boy do, then?
148
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:19,000
Is he a doctor? You girls with your
modern ways only get to meet doctors.
149
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:26,040
I don't know any. What about when
you went to Dr Brent for your knicker
trouble? Mum, firstly, I was 13.
150
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,560
Secondly, the problem was thrush.
151
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:33,480
The only knicker trouble was the
nylon variety you insisted I wear.
152
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:38,200
You don't want to get a chill
down there. And don't say thrush.
153
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,720
Say, "Little bird."
154
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,880
Although mine was more like
the greater burning yeast pigeon.
155
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:53,160
You'll never get a man with a mouth
like a hairy arsed navvy.
156
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,720
I told you already. I've got a date.
157
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:16,440
I asked Gaz, he said no. Why are you
so against seeing our friends happy?
158
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:21,480
I'm not. Gaz is very happily jerking
his gherkin in his flat as we speak.
159
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:28,080
How d'you know?
You can be too close to a person.
Well, Hollyoaks is on. OK.
160
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,720
More peanuts?
161
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:57,040
What star sign are you?
Aries. The ram, of course.
162
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:02,920
It says here you are ruthless,
ambitious and sporty.
163
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:08,800
Sounds about right. And that your
best feature is your perfect bosom.
164
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,480
Belters, aren't they? All right!
165
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:24,000
I told you you could be too close
to a person? This is the boys' pub!
No girls allowed!
166
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,800
Gaz, go on this date. No.
Pint, then? Yeah.
167
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,520
Oh, come on Gaz.
Donna's great for you.
168
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:35,560
She's strong and feminine...
Like a really good deodorant?
169
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:40,800
Like Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon,
ginger pubes - end of story.
170
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:47,520
She can cook. So can Gary Rhodes.
..I'm not attracted to Gary Rhodes.
171
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,680
If he could clean as well
I'd slip him one.
172
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,400
Please. I'll do whatever you want.
173
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,440
If Jonny doesn't mind... Go for it.
Not that! You have nothing I want.
174
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,960
I have a signed photo
of Adam Woodyatt!
175
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,280
No. Although very generous.
176
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,800
Oh, come on, Gaz,
I've promised her now.
177
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:19,320
She puts out for a bag of peanuts.
Does she?!
178
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,680
No! Jonny,
what's your favourite film again?
179
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:30,200
Goodfellas. Oh, really? You see,
I seemed to think that it was...
180
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,280
Gaz, you should go out with her.
It's only one night.
181
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:39,560
OK, but if she offers me a Woodbine
or scratches her balls, I'm off.
182
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:47,160
The other night, she was trying to
impress you cos she fancies you so
much. No girls allowed. All right!
183
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,200
So, she really fancies me.
184
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,680
Donna fancies me loads.
185
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,880
I'm sorry, mate, I just...
186
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:08,680
What is that look on your face?
I'm smug, Jonny.
187
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,120
I'm really smug.
188
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,000
What are you wearing?!
My dress for my date.
189
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,920
My God! I thought it were
one of my housecoats.
190
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:30,120
I have also had my hair done. Yes,
I think it looks rather... What?!
191
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,560
Like a cat's been sick on it?!
192
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:37,800
No, I think it looks rather nice,
actually. Oh, well, thank you.
193
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:42,280
Mind, if I were you
I'd have asked them to hide my ears.
194
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:48,920
Just wish me luck. Remember,
use the Morgan family charm.
Our second name's Henshaw.
195
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:54,240
Yeah, but that Marie Morgan you
used to play with, she were lovely.
196
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,440
There you go.
197
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:06,400
Two pints of Guinness.
I told you I'd make a great barmaid.
198
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,800
It's like drinking a cloud.
199
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:15,520
Thank you. I'll stand here and listen
to what you're saying about me.
200
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:21,800
Louise, can you just go
and get me a Cinzano?
My first Cinzano! Ice and lemon?
201
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:27,480
We don't care if you put arse in it!
Just go. We have amusing straws. Go!
202
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:31,520
Just go. We are the couples
and no singles allowed.
203
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:36,520
What is wrong with you? You look
like you've started your period.
204
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,600
It's good all this double dating,
innit?
205
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:45,640
Great! A round is twice as expensive,
we have to talk about emotions,
206
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,480
and we can't stare
at other women's tits. Fantastic!
207
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,440
You're ruining this.
That's the plan.
208
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,880
We don't have to talk about
emotions. We can talk football.
209
00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,240
Because you're such a big United fan,
aren't you, Donna?
210
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,080
I'm a City fan myself, so...
Well, they're...nice.
211
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:11,520
How long have you been
supporting United then, Donna?
I'd love to know. Jonny!
212
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:17,440
Since I was seven. Oh, right,
so that would be, what? 1985.
213
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:22,680
Yeah. Who was the star player
back then? I can't remember.
214
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,440
Well, that would be Jonny...
215
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,080
..van der...Gaz.
216
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,480
Jonny van der Gaz?!
217
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:38,440
Can we talk about something else?
Oh, OK. Donna, your last boyfriend,
218
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:43,760
he dumped you? But who am I to argue
with men in small shorts?! Yeah.
219
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:50,200
What did you do? Got on with my life.
Don't let the bastards
grind you down.
220
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,680
You got on with your life,
221
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:58,040
after you'd slept with his best mate
and killed his budgie. Stop it!
222
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:03,280
It wasn't me who killed the budgie,
Jonny, it was the Domestos.
223
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:08,320
What are you acting so weird for?
If you don't stop, I'm going. Donna,
224
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:13,840
what about the time when you drank so
much Vermouth your wee turned black?
225
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,360
I'd love to explore that
in more depth. That's it. I'm going!
226
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,520
Er...films. Everybody likes films.
227
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:31,040
Who's your favourite, Pacino
or de Niro? He hates brunettes.
228
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,720
Who's your favourite,
Solskjaer or Owen?
229
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,520
I'd have to say Michael Owen. Why?
230
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,240
Michael Owen... Yes?
..has a lovely, lovely smile.
231
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,400
Ha!
232
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,520
We should do this again. I get it.
233
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,360
You're getting to know each other.
234
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:54,760
You're gonna move to suburbia
and have tiny little babies.
235
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,880
You are set for a life of Ikea,
weird parent-style sex and Boggle!
236
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,920
OK? I can't watch this any more.
237
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,960
It's over between you and me, Gaz.
It's over.
238
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,480
You can take this cheap piece of tin
I bought off you!
239
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:17,000
Heed my words. A relationship arising
out of a blind date is doomed!
240
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,880
I don't feel too doomed. Me neither.
241
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:36,560
All right. Whose undies would you
prefer to eat? David Hasselhoff's
or Peter Stringfellow's?
242
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:42,480
Peter Stringfellow wears a G-string,
so I could floss my teeth with them.
243
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,960
It would also make an interestingly
flavoured alternative to gum.
244
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,160
Where would you prefer to be?
The cup final, or here with me?
245
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,120
Cup final.
246
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,360
You'd prefer to be at the cup final?
247
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:03,240
Of course. Whenever I meet a nice
man, football gets in the way.
248
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,760
You sound like Graham Le Saux!
249
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,640
Don't go!
It depends what the seats were like!
250
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,160
I beg your pardon?!
Come on. Your mates said.
251
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,640
It'll only take 20 seconds.
I'm fat, desperate and inexperienced.
252
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:25,160
I quit! I can't believe someone like
me would want to work in this dump
in the first place you...sheister!
253
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,240
I'm worth a bag of peanuts, love!
254
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,600
Fancy a mouthful of salty nuts?
255
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,840
All right? Hiya. Where's Gaz?
256
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:49,960
Hopefully lying in a pool of vomit
somewhere being buggered by Mr T.
257
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:56,000
What did he do? I mean,
Face or Hannibal maybe, but Mr T?
258
00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:03,120
Just once in my short,
sexually unsatisfying life, I
thought I'd met someone who could...
259
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,160
Give you one?
No! I just wanted what you've got.
260
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:12,280
Somebody who gives you toast
the morning after instead of crabs.
261
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,760
Now, you and Janet,
you were meant to be.
262
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,280
You've got something special there,
263
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:24,560
and to live with each other and
bounce back after all those setbacks
and to just love each other.
264
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:31,240
Not for me. I have to resign myself
to married bouncers with perms,
265
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:36,040
endlessly waiting for the cold
fingers of death to grip my heart
266
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,840
and end the loneliness
that's curdled the milk of my life.
267
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,280
Usual, love? Cheers, Haman. Thanks.
268
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,640
Look, whatever Gaz said
I'm sure he didn't mean it.
269
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:55,240
He'd rather go to the cup final
than be with me.
Oh, well, maybe he did mean it,
270
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:59,240
but you should never ask a man
that question again.
271
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,400
It's the cup final!
272
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,200
You could tell he liked you,
273
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:09,880
Really? Yeah. Don't ruin something
that could be really special.
274
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,400
Look, I'll give you his number.
275
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,480
There you go. You know what, Jonny?
276
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,960
What?
277
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,680
Janet's really lucky. Thanks.
278
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,800
DOORBELL RINGS
279
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,400
Thank God for Jonny, eh?
I'm sorry. That's all right.
280
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:54,160
Relationships, eh? Monogamy should
be obsolete. I like that concept.
281
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:58,360
If you wanted to sleep with someone,
you could just say it.
282
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:02,200
That's an excellent,
excellent brain you've got there.
283
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,920
And nobody would use the C word.
284
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,840
We've got to have a pet name
for the Leeds United fans.
285
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,400
Commitment!
286
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:20,400
Donna...I think I'm not
falling in love with you.
287
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:24,160
D'you want some wine? It's Blue
Nun.
288
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,520
I've had enough. Coffee, though.
289
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,120
What's this?
290
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:07,120
Er...that...that...that, er...
291
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,640
That would be porn, yeah.
292
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:15,000
Jonny was right.
There are no good men out there.
293
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:20,320
Don't tell me you're against
pornography?! I'm fine with porn.
294
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:27,000
I'm not fine with enough porn
to keep the entire British forces
from missing their girlfriends.
295
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,720
It's not mine.
I'm looking after it for a friend.
296
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,760
Who's your friend? Hugh Heffner?!
297
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,840
It's just pictures. It's art.
298
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,800
Art? Half a sheep in formaldehyde
is art!
299
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,320
You're a dirty little scumbag
300
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,680
and you're not fit
to lick my boots...!
301
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:53,360
Oh, my God! You're getting turned on
by this, aren't you?
302
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,680
No, Mistress.
303
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,720
I was so wrong about you.
304
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,760
Yeah, you were. Leave me
to clean up my porn in peace.
305
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:08,880
I'm off, you slug, with your porn,
your teeth, your hair,
your lovely tight jeans and your...
306
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,800
Porn? And your porn. I'm off!
307
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,320
Fine! Fine! Fine!
Well, I'm going! Good!
308
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:21,840
Unless you want to shag me first!
I do. Come on, then!
309
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,840
Eurgh! Jonny, I think I've mutated.
310
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,920
That's just minced-up cow's guts.
It'll come off.
311
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:50,080
That's all right, then. Why
didn't you follow me out the pub?
Most boyfriends would have done.
312
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:54,120
I could've been raped or pillaged,
whatever pillaging is.
313
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:57,560
I think they stick something hot
in your ear.
314
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:02,800
You ruined their chances so you and
Gaz can do your own coupley things.
315
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:07,760
Why don't you move in with Gaz?
I bet he can't lick his own nipples.
316
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:12,000
It was really cruel of you.
Can I get a word in?
317
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:17,600
PHONE RINGS
Hello. ..Yeah, Donna, hiya. I know.
318
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,200
Bloody Jonny. I've had a word...
319
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,440
What? Did he? ..What, Jonny did?
320
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:29,000
Did you?! You dirty, dirty girl!
321
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:34,200
Two hours?! No way!
I bet his face was sore.
322
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,080
I don't need to say anything.
323
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,400
I'm the hero...and I want my reward.
324
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,760
You know what to do.
325
00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:00,560
"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion
326
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:14,200
He really has left me.
He's not been back all night.
327
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:19,200
I should've taken his bastardry
more seriously. There, there.
328
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:25,480
He's probably shacked up
with some aerobics instructor
who actually cleans the oven!
329
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,840
He's probably just been run over
or something.
29410
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