Original subtitles

(theme music playing )

Announcer: From New York City

it's "The Chris Rock Show."

Tonight, actress-comedienne Whoopi Goldberg.

Musical guest K-Ci & JoJo.

Plus, musical director Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

( theme music playing )

( audience cheers, applauds )

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, all right.

Okay, calm down.

The Brooklyn people must be here.

( audience cheers )

Okay, hey, hey, hey. Okay, well, let's start.

We got to get to the news. We got to get to the news.

Only one thing happenin' in the news right now.

Marv Albert.

It is all about Marv Albert.

Marv Albert is the freak of the week, I guess.

This week it was revealed-- Marv Albert, it was revealed that

Marv likes to have rough sex that involves other men.

Rough sex that involves other men.

So, why the fuck was he trying not to go to jail? I don't understand,

if the sex, and the jail, if that's what he wanted.

Now, you know, he got fired.

He got fired, man. He got fired.

Which is actually, prob-- that was good for him

'cause he couldn't call no more games.

He can't really criticize any of the players.

He can't be like,

"Shaq, you're doin' really bad with your free throws."

And Shaq's like, "Well, at least I don't dress like a bitch."

( cheers and applause )

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

You know what's really wild about this whole thing?

Marv, you know, he wore the panties.

He wore the panties. You do the panties,

you like to wear panties, that's your thing.

But then he had the garter belts, too.

The garter belts, too.

It's hard to get a woman to put on some garter belts.

A woman's like, "l ain't wearing that shit!

What do I look like, Lil' Kim?"

Hey!

Hey, I like Kim. She's a friend of the show.

You know what's wild, too?

Through the whole trial, he kept the toupee on.

He kept the toupee on.

Like that shit really meant something.

Like he was really gettin' one over on us.

He kept the toupee on. He's like,

"l know they know I fuck transvestites,

but if they find out I'm bald, I'm over.

It's all over."

You know what's the worst thing about this whole Marv Albert thing

is that's all he's gonna be remembered for for the rest of his life.

He's a guy who wore pumps and panties.

No matter what he do, that is his legacy.

If Marv Albert cured AlDS tomorrow,

it'd be like, "AlDS cured by the Panty Man."

( audience applauds )

I don't know. What else? What else?

There's other news.

There's other news goin' on, and it's been 40 years

since the desegregation of Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas.

40 years, man. That's kind of cool.

( cheers and applause )

So to celebrate,

the black kids and the white kids got together

and beat the shit out of the Puerto Ricans.

Hey, hey, hey. It's a joke.

It's a joke. Don't stab me.

Just don't stab me.

Whatever you do, don't stab me.

All right. NBC. This is what's this week--

NBC's Must-See lineup,

the Monday night lineup premiered this week,

featuring nothing but sitcoms starring all white women.

Now, as expected, NBC beat out all the other networks,

getting 75% of the white female audience.

They also got 98% of the black athlete audience.

Yeah!

You get it? 'Cause black athletes

Iike white women.

See, there's something about being able to jump real high

that makes you feel like a white girl.

"l run too fast for a sister. I need a white girl."

You know, I don't know. Not me, I can't run, so.

What else happened this week? The Country Music Awards were this week.

Country music, this week--

and there was not one single black nominee, not one.

Now, when asked to comment, Jesse Jackson said,

"Who gives a fuck about country music?"

Well, we got a great show tonight.

We got Whoopi Goldberg in the house.

( cheers and applause )

We got Whoopi Goldberg. We got K-Ci & JoJo.

And I want you to give it up for my man, Grandmaster Flash.

( record scratching )

Now, when Tiger Woods won the Masters tournament

the face of golf was changed forever.

Tiger's achievements have supposedly opened up

the world of golf to African-Americans,

but have African-Americans embraced golf?

I went to Harlem to find out.

( hip hop music playing )

We need you be an example to our young men.

Welcome to Harlem, Tiger Woods. We're very glad to have you.

Do you like Tiger Woods?

Not really. But I'm sure hungry.

He's a professional?

He's a professional golfer, Tiger Woods.

Who do you like more, Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan?

Michael Jordan.

- Who you like more, Tiger Woods or OJ? - OJ.

( police siren wailing )

Officer on amplifier: Please pull over!

So you got no Tiger Woods posters anywhere.

No Tiger Woods posters, no.

Yet you have DJ Craig G. on the wall.

DJ Craig G. is bigger than Tiger Woods in Harlem.

How do you feel about the whole race issue with Tiger Woods?

How do I feel? Well, me personally,

I don't care what race anybody is. I think he's a fine--

That's obvious. You work in Harlem. You better not.

That's right.

- What's a bogey? - I don't know.

- What's a sand trap? - Don't know.

- What's a driver? - I don't know.

I think his popularity waned a little bit in Harlem

when he announced that he was Asian.

Do you guys consider Tiger Woods Asian?

No.

- Rock: Not even a little bit? - Not even this much.

- Well, he's just a black guy to you? - Yes.

You can't tell the difference between Tiger Woods and James Brown?

No.

( funk music playing )

Well, it looks like it's very boring.

- Why do you hate golf? - Boring!

How can we make golf more exciting?

I think if they offered like some nice music.

You know, like maybe some hip-hop music and they do a bit more movement.

( hip hop music plays )

If they would allow you to play golf without a shirt on,

- Would you play? - Yeah.

Do you think nudity would improve golf?

( classical music playing )

Rock: Do you have any golf equipment?

- Woman: Yes, I do. - Get out of here.

I've been all over Harlem and I haven't found any golf equipment.

What do you have, ma'am?

- You want to see it? - Yes, ma'am.

These clubs don't really match. Are they a set?

Do you really call it a set?

Or is just various clubs from various ass-whoopings?

Okay, this is golf pants?

Or are they breakdancing pants?

How you doin', ma'am? I loved you in "The Jeffersons."

These are alligator golf shoes.

This is for the pimp that plays golf.

Are you sure the yellow and pink goes with this?

( funk music playing )

Why don't more blacks play golf?

I mean, I'm a black guy, I can't figure it out.

I don't know if that's really true, Chris.

Especially here, you know, we have a lot of blacks.

A lot of mixes of people playin' here.

Golf is a game for everybody.

Let's get our drivers.

All right.

Cool.

Thank you. You have the honors.

Thank you, sir.

Wow!

Fuck!

Police in helicopter: Negro, get off the course

before you hurt yourself or someone else!

I'm gonna focus on the ball like it's somebody I hate.

( pop music playing )

- ( ball clinks ) - ( audience applauds )

Police in helicopter: Negro, nice shot.

All right, thanks a lot, Paul.

Tiger's got his dad, I got you.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you! Thank you, now.

My first guest tonight has appeared all over the place,

in movies, everything-- stand-up, books.

She's got a book coming out. She's the woman, she's all that.

Please give it up for Whoopi Goldberg, come on.

( cheers and applause )

Woo!

Child, pick my chest up.

All right, Whoopi Goldberg on my show.

What's up? Yeah!

You know why I love you, Whoopi?

Why?

'Cause you're always workin'.

Like, a lot of black people outta work,

- but you always got a job. - Yeah, man.

You always got like three or four jobs.

- I try, you know. - Pilots, and--

I'm asking for something.

Every time you go to the movies: "Whoopi, next week."

- That's right. - "Whoopi, next week."

When was the last time you were outta work?

'Bout a month ago. 'Bout a month ago.

- Yeah, right. - No shit, for real. For real.

- It was your choice? - Yes.

It was your choice. that's not outta work.

That is outta work.

No, when you outta work, you wanna work.

Like, "hey, I'd like to work."

And they go, "Get the fuck out of here."

That's outta work.

No, see, I thought I was gonna get this other movie.

And they said, "Fuck off."

What white girl did they give it to?

- Somebody. Somebody. - They didn't tell you to fuck off.

- Yeah, they do. - Get the fuck out.

Why not?

You know.

You all know about this?

- They don't read. - Know about this?

They gonna read this shit.

This is Chris' book.

This is Whoopi's book.

- Oh, stop, stop, stop. - No, 'cause you the man.

- Why? - You're the guest!

I'm supposed to kiss your ass.

I know I am.

But I have to come out here and say this, man.

You are the man. Your shit is funny.

- Oh! - Your shit is--

( cheers and applause )

Listen, man, you know, 'cause you gotta call it when it's real.

You gotta call it when it's real, honey,

'cause there's so much unreal shit out there.

Now, what's unreal to you?

Oh, honey, you don't even want me to go there.

- I do! - No.

You know what's unreal to me?

What's unreal to you, Whoopi?

How could you be with a man

for 10 years, okay,

and suddenly, he did something you didn't like-- sexually.

So you took him to court,

and you told everybody his deep business.

You know, I'm sorry. Something's wrong with it.

- 10 years. 10 years. - ( audience applauds )

- 10 years. - 10 years.

And he can still call the game

because he's one of the baddest motherfuckers out there.

Oh, yeah.

He's dope.

Now he's gonna get some help and can't get a gig. That's fucked up.

But first he's got to get some minoxidil.

Child, now you see, you better hope that shit stays on your head.

'Cause, you know,

if you talkin' 'bout people's head your shit falls out.

But a brother could cut his shit off, though,

- and be real cool. - Oh. but please, child--

But a white boy cut off his hair is like chemotherapy.

No, honey, no.

No, a lot of brothers try to do that shit.

Got them heads go like that.

Shit ain't pretty.

That shit is not pretty. I'm sorry.

Your head's got to be like this.

Got the lima-bean head.

You know, can't have that kidney-bean head.

Now the kidney-bean shit don't work, you know.

- Don't dis my hair. - No.

But you know, that's what I say--

you got to be careful what you put out there

'cause you put shit out there that comes back at ya.

- Okay. - It comes back at ya.

So you know-- we know it's fucked up

'cause he's gonna be listening to this shit for the rest of his life.

- You were right. - Oh, forever.

But, what do we really know?

We don't know shit.

But why'd he plead guilty?

Even OJ didn't plead guilty.

Well, but--

You know why?

No, child, you know why?

- OJ was like, "l didn't that shit." - But, you know why?

"l don't know what y'all talkin' about."

You know why? 'Cause if somebody is deep enough,

if somebody is deep enough to put that much shit out on you--

and maybe some of it is true.

Now, maybe he did like rough sex.

Everybody like a little spankin' every now and then.

You know, not this, but a little--

and, you know, you get your girl-- yeah, child!

You know, and with the sisters, we can't feel a whole lot,

so you got to really be there.

Okay?

Okay?

You know.

"You got to really be there?"

You got to really be there. None of this "poop-di-poop."

Got to, "yeah, girl!"

You know, and you start just getting all in it,

and then you say, "ah-ha!"

Ah-ha!

You know?

But I'm gonna miss Marv. I'm gonna miss Marv.

Because he's the voice of the Knicks.

And he'll get his help.

- All right. - You know.

But, you know, you rich.

You can always call him up and have him do the game at your house.

I might.

'Cause, you know, he and I are into the same shit.

Yeah.

Okay, I got to go.

Whoopi's book is in stores September 29th.

Yes.

Please give it up for the lovely, the funny, Whoopi Goldberg.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you so much.

Thank you. You are funnier than my mother, child.

( cheers and applause )

Hey, ladies and gentleman,

my next guest needs no introduction.

Ladies and gentleman. Pootie Tang.

( funky music playing )

What's happenin', man?

Pootie Tang. Pootie Tang.

Welcome to the show, Pootie Tang.

Oh, thanks, man. And God bless.

Wow, I can't believe it.

Pootie Tang on my show.

( laughter )

It's good to be here, lil' brother.

It's good to be here, yeah.

Now, Pootie, I gotta ask ya, I gotta ask ya this now.

What's up with you and Sha-da-tay?

Ah, man, ain't nothin' goin' on there, you know.

Me and Sha-da-tay, we just tillin' the sack.

See, you know what--

see, I heard you was tapping the city proud.

No, Dee, no, that's a canapan.

All the way down.

Okay, okay, okay. I'll take your word for it.

I'm gonna take your word for it.

Sah-da-tay.

Now, Pootie, you got a new movie comin' out, right?

Oh, yeah. yeah, it's called,

"Sine Your Pitty On the Runny Kine."

And who's in it?

Okay, we got-- we got Kleeper Sank,

Cole Money, Trucky, and Martin Sheen.

( audience laughing )

Do you have a clip?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, okay.

So let's take a look at this clip of Pootie Tang's

"Sine Your Pitty On The Runny Kine."

( sultry music playing )

Baby, I'm gonna sine your pitty on da runny kine.

Wow.

( applause )

( whooping )

That was great, Pootie. Pootie, that was incredible.

Oh, hey, Sah-da-tay, you know.

Audience member: Sah-da-tay!

Well, Pootie, it has been better havin' you by.

Oh, yeah.

I day be samie, my brother.

Cole me on the panty sty.

What?

( hesitantly ) Uh, cole me on the panty sty.

"Cole me on the panty sty"?

Nigger, what the fuck are you talkin' about?

Cole me down on the panty sty.

Oh, cole me down on the panty sty.

Cole me me down. All right. All right.

Give it up for Pootie Tang.

And don't forget to see

"Sine Your Pitty On The Runny Kine."

Pootie Tang.

Here to perform the song "Last Night's Letter"

are two gifted brothers.

Please welcome K-Ci & JoJo.

( cheers and applause )

( R&B music playing )

( JoJo humming )

( harmonizing )

Thank you.

That's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank my guests,

Whoopi Goldberg, K-Ci & JoJo, Pootie Tang.

Yo, give it up for Flash. Take us out!

( theme music playing )

( cheers and applause )