All language subtitles for The.Chris.Rock.Show.S01E01.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

Good evening,
I'm Greg Gumbel.

This afternoon, Chris Rock,

The controversial comedian
and host of "The Chris Rock show,"

was shot,
an apparent casualty

in the ongoing East Coast,
West Coast comedy war.

The comedy war, which has raged
over the last five years

Has already claimed the lives
of over 30 stand-up comics,

ranging from satirists
to impressionists.

Some, such as Nipsey Russell,
are missing and presumed dead.

Right now, we're starting
to get reactions from friends

and family
to the Chris Rock shooting.

Hey, you know, we all prayin'
for Chris-- you know what I'm saying?

Because he's
a strong brother.

I know 'cause I shot him
several times myself

when we was kids, you know,
and he always pulled through.

I just hope Chris
is feeling better.

This whole East Coast, West Coast
comedy thing has gotten out of hand.

I got my own problems
though, I mean.

Like right now, there's a war going on
between the WB and the UPN.

Everybody's throwing gang
signs. WB, UPN, fool!

And that's just
the executives.

Throughout this war,
the comedy community

has continued to express its shock
and outrage at these shootings.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but I just don't get it.

You got comics killin' comics,
rappers killin' rappers.

In my day, you didn't
see James Brown

shooting The Temptations.

And why's it that all the good ones
like Tupac and Rock always get it?

How come nobody ever
shot Nipsey Russell?

No, these wars
don't bother me.

There's nothing you can do about it
if a bullet has your name on it.

As my dad always said,
"Do unto others

and run like a mother!"

Earlier in this program,
we erroneously reported

That Nipsey Russell was
missing and presumed dead.

In fact, he is neither
missing nor dead.

We regret any inconvenience this
has caused Mr. Russell or his family.

Meanwhile, in the wake
of the Rock shooting,

Other members of the comedy fraternity
have been quick to call for an end

To the East Coast,
West Coast comedy war.

You think I've got
a big family now,

You should've seen us
before the war.

There was like 20 of us.

Somebody's gotta come out
and say something

Before this thing gets way
out of hand, all right?

And that somebody has
to be-- somebody else.

You think I give a rat's cock
about these fuckin' wars, huh?

I don't care how many fuckin'
comics off each other.

You know
what that means?

More pussy for me,
if you know what I mean.

We take you now
to Washington, D.C.,

Where the Rev. Barnett Reed
is addressing the press.

We must put aside
East and West

and come together
as "Weast."

We interrupt the Rev. Reed
to bring you this late-breaking news.

We have a report that Los Angeles
police have detained

West Coast comedy
kingpin Carrot Top,

And are questioning him in connection
with the Chris Rock shooting.

In a recent interview,
Mr. Top denied

there was any animosity
between him

and his West Coast posse of comedians
and Chris Rock's East Coast crew.

I got nothing against
Rock or his boys,

but he's gonna start some shit,
I got to answer hard.

How am I supposed to look
my children in the eyes?

I don't wanna "dish" the man,

But I got to
take care of my own. Dig?

I've just been handed this.

The man who was shot tonight
is, in fact, not Chris Rock

but another guy.

We regret any inconvenience this
has caused Chris Rock or his family.

We return now to our
regularly scheduled program.

( theme music playing )

Announcer:
From New York City,

it's "The Chris Rock Show."

Tonight's guest,
Arsenio Hall.

With musical guests
Puff Daddy and Mase.

Plus musical director
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

This ain't "Vibe."

This is another show, baby.
What's goin' on?

So, what's the big news?

The big news
is Princess Di.

And everybody's talking
about the war, the paparazzi.

Everybody's mad at the paparazzi
for taking pictures.

George Clooney's
complaining,

Rosie O'Donnell's
complaining,

Sylvester Stallone
is complaining,

And on the other hand,
Vanilla lce is like, "Hey!

Why don't you
take my picture?!"

Well another big thing now,
Al Sharpton--

Al Sharpton
and Ruth Messinger

Will face each other in
a run-off for the Democratic thing.

The whole-- the whole--
the mayortorial--

to be the mayor, okay?
I'm fuckin' up!

To be the mayor.
Al Sharpton, man.

Now Messinger got 60%
of the white vote

And Al Sharpton got 98%
of the perm vote!

And Al's gonna
get the perm vote!

Nick Ashford woke up real
early to vote for Al.

Now, a lot of people are saying
that Sharpton's candidacy

Will bring out
the black vote.

And it will!
That's the good news.

The bad news is that
it will also bring out

The l-Don't-Want- That-Conkhead-
Coon-Running-My-Town vote.

( audience applauds )

Nick Ashford didn't
think about that.

Now, those police charged
with beating, um, my man?

Yeah, Lemoo--
what's his name?

- Audience: Louima!
- Yeah, with the plunger.

They have an unusual
defense, you know.

They thought it was a party
at Rick James' house.

That's what they said!
That's what they said!

Now, you know what the worst thing
about the whole plunger case--

the whole plunger guy is?
When women get raped,

They don't show
their pictures in the paper.

You don't know their name.
You don't know nothin' about 'em.

They're just-- you know,
you don't know nothin' about 'em.

Meanwhile, I see the plunger man
on the front page

of the paper every day!

I don't care how much money
he's getting, it ain't worth it!

It ain't worth it!
I don't care.

It's not worth it.

You know, 'cause like
20 years from now,

He'll be walking down the street,
it's like, "Hey, Plungie!"

This just came out today
in "USA Today."

- Montclair, New Jersey--
- ( clapping )

hey, you're from Montclair?

Montclair, New Jersey,
has been named the best place

In the whole United States
for interracial couples.

The best city in the whole
United States.

Now you know what
the worst city was?

Every other city
in America!

( audience applauds )

Anybody see the Forbes list
this week?

The Forbes list,
the richest entertainers?

They had-- The Beatles
finished number five!

The Beatles
finished number five,

And they haven't worked
together in 30 years!

Meanwhile, Hammer put out
an album last year,

and the brother
called me collect.

( audience applauds )

Yes, he did!

1-800-COLLECT!

Now, we got
a great show tonight.

We got a killer-- we got
a dope show. It's the first show.

We got Arsenio Hall
in the house.

( audience woofing )

We got the man!

We got P. Diddy,
Puff Daddy.

And don't-- and don't--

you cannot front on Mase.

You gotta give it up for
Mase too. That's right.

And I want you right now
to give it up for Grandmaster Flash!

( turntable scratching )

Now, as a tribute
to Princess Di,

Elton John sang a remake of
his song, "Candle in the Wind."

We here at
"The Chris Rock Show"

Would like to
remember another

world leader who passed
away this week.

The exiled dictator
of Zaire, Mobutu.

( organ music playing )

Mobutu!

Mobutu. All right!

Our first guest tonight

revolutionized late night
television talk shows.

It's always a pleasure
to introduce this man because,

you know, I was on his show,

so it feels good
to have him on my show.

I want you to give it up
for Arsenio Hall!

- ( audience cheering )
- ( hip-hop music playing )

Yeah!

All right!

Hey, New York!
What's up?

I don't get to
the East Coast enough.

You're West Side.
You're a West Side comedian.

- The West Side of the US.
- Doesn't that bug you?

People still "woof-woof"
everywhere you go?

Yeah, sometimes you wish
that shit would stop, yes.

'Cause you'd be with
your mom in the mall--

You ever been with a girl
havin' sex and hear her go "woof"?

Oh shit. I guess the
dick ain't that good.

Now that I think
about it,

Somebody should've done that
at some time in my life.

You figured it would've
happened at least once.

I gotta start fucking-- that's
what I'm going for from now on.

From now on, I want you
to bark, motherfucker!

- You know, somebody.
- Somebody!

I wanna-- yes!
Yes, thank you.

- All right.
- I'll have a goal to fuck for now.

Good for you.
Good for you!

Now, I gotta ask you
this question because this--

you're the man
to ask this question.

What show are you watching,
"Vibe" or "Keenan"?

Come on. That's the
big question everywhere.

( audience shouting )

The people.

You know, it seems like people,
for the most part,

are responding to "Keenan"
more than "Vibe."

You know,
what's interesting is

Quincy can get great guests for "Vibe"
because everybody loves Quincy,

and Keenan'll have like
a cow lick somebody's face

and beat him
in the numbers, you know.

And it's like, and Keenan's
doing different stuff.

He's throwing a lot of stuff
against the wall-- variety, talk;

he has talent shows,

they play games and shit.
And "Vibe" is pretty much

just doing the shit
I did five years ago.

- ( audience cheering )
- I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.
It's real new-looking.

( laughing )

I mean, why don't they just introduce
the motherfucker as Arsenio?

I mean, I'll be damned.

Yeah! That's being big--
you're being big to say that.

'cause Keenan used to do
that crazy impression of you

With the big--
the ass,

- this big.
- Motherfucker'd be like this.

Yeah, yeah.

If you like
"The Keenan Show,"

that shit
must be real good.

- But you like it.
- I'm just trying to be honest about it.

'Cause yeah, and
Keenan is cool, now.

You are friends, right?

Yeah, way back. We was all tight,
and brothers fall out.

And Keenan's one of those motherfuckers
that if he fall out with you,

he may shoot
a relative, or--

Keenan be looking
for your momma.

That motherfucker get dirty
when he get mad.

But it's cool.
We cool now.

We used to all be boys. We used to
do pranks on each other.

One time, as a matter
of fact, when we were here,

- all in New York, right?
- You all hang out at the same--

I'm like a little bit
younger than you.

But like you, Keenan,
Robert, you're all--

We would hang out but
we wouldn't let Robert come.

No. No, we--

Why?

No, yeah,
we would all hang out.

No, and do pranks
on each other.

One time, Keenan sat all night
ordering shit off TV,

Iike bamboo steamer
and, you know,

motherfucker that play
the pan flute.

He ordered all that shit,
sent it to my house C.O.D.

That's a true story.

That's a true story.

You know, it was the good old days.
When we was in New York,

When Eddie was doing
his "Raw" tour,

- he gave out my home phone number.
- That's a long time ago.

- Wow!
- Yeah, what year was that?

That was
leather suit year.

( clapping )

Purple and black, hmm.

When you was cool wearing
a leather suit.

- That's a long time ago.
- Back then.

But he gave out-- he gave out
my home number from the stage,

Told them to take out
pencils and lipstick,

whatever you need.
Write this number down.

Motherfuckers called me
for three days, man.

And I didn't know
what was going on.

The machine be full all
the time, people be ringing.

You thought they loved you.

I was like, "I'm really
popular somewhere."

Finally, a lady
explained it to me.

"Eddie Murphy gave
your number out on stage."

- I had to change my shit.
- Aw, man, awwww.

- I'll get him.
- Now that they got all these shows...

You know, what?
I like both shows.

I hope they last because
there's a lot of black talent

That needs a spot and everybody's--
you know what I'm saying?

And everybody's--

It's like Oprah
has to get big numbers,

so she can't talk
to Dru Hill, you know?

And Leno can't put some people
on 'cause he need big numbers,

but, you know,
we got all these shows.

I hope they both survive,
to be honest with you there.

And, you know, brothers
want to see Jada more often,

- Right.
- you know?

You don't want to have to wait
till Will brings her on Oprah.

You want to see her
as often as possible.

- We got a lot of talent.
- I was going to ask the audience,

are you likin' this
interview right now?

Audience: Yes!

I just got, somebody back there
just told me, right now,

you're getting ready to see
the Puff Daddy remix of the interview!

Can we see that right now?

- ( hip-hop music playing )
- Arsenio,

how did you get into comedy?

I started doing stand-up--
actually I'm from Cleveland

but I went to Chicago
and started in 1979,

and then I moved
on to L.A.

And, yeah, I started,
like most comics, on a dare.

This is a Bad Boy remix
interview, nigga.

Arsenio, you've had
a big impact on TV.

What shows do you watch?

"Moesha" in the house,

"X-Files," in the house,
in the house, in the house.

Turn it out,
without a doubt.

( clapping )

Can I say one thing?
Can I just say

It's also a pleasure
to be here 'cause Puffy is on?

Music is honest now,
and I app--

Puffy, R. Kelly, Big,

I'm fucking you tonight.

Remember when Lionel Richie
pretended he didn't want the pussy,

He was writing poetry,
"Once, twice, three times,"

You know,
"On the Wings of Love"?

Now, music--
"I'm fucking you tonight!"

( audience laughs )

Yeah, "I'm fucking you."
Music has changed.

Johnny Mathis never said,
"I'm fucking you tonight."

Not to a woman!

( audience laughing )

All right.

Thank you!

It has been 30 years since
the Civil Rights struggle

in this country,
and some people think

That blacks no longer have
the right to complain.

But there are still
others who believe

we have a long way to go.

One of those people
is my next guest,

Professor Thad Taylor.

( clapping )

Now, welcome, Professor.

Thank you, Chris, and I can
tell you right now, people,

It is a good feeling to be in a place
where a black man is welcome.

- Yes.
- Great.

Now, Professor,
I got to ask you this:

do you think things
are really that bad

for the black man
in America today?

Chris, I have found that it's
worse than it is 30 years ago.

Worse than
30 years ago?

I mean, you don't have to
get to the back of the bus.

There's no white-only
lunch counters, water fountains.

I mean, it's a
little better, right?

Now, Chris,
to tell you the truth,

there are still several places
right here in New York City

Where a black man
cannot get served

simply because he's black.

Now, I've done a lot
of research in this area,

and I've even documented some
of this footage on hidden camera.

I brought some to show you
what I'm talking about.

Okay, sure,
let's take a look.

Now, this first piece
of footage

is me trying to enter
a regular restaurant

right here in
midtown Manhattan,

and I want you to pay close
attention to how quickly

they let me know that
they don't serve my kind.

Professor: Here I am, walking
to the restaurant.

Now watch this, Chris!

There I am, being escorted
out by the establishment!

Thrown!
I didn't eat nothing.

I didn't even order no food.
They took me out.

See, Chris, I didn't last
one minute in that restaurant.

Professor!

I got more footage.
Watch this, one more.

All right,
here we go.

Here I am hailing a cab.
See, trying to get a cab.

As you see, none of the cabs
are stopping for me.

Because I'm
a black man, see?

He's starting to stop.
He wanted to hit me!

Rock:
Well, I can see you're a black man.

Shit, you're
black all over.

Look, one guy stops,
I get in.

I say I'd like to go uptown,
watch what happens.

Typical, Chris.
Typical.

He threw me
out of the cab.

This is wrong, Chris.
This is wrong.

So now you see,
this is a white man's world.

That's clear, right there.

No, Professor,
this is a sane man's world.

I don't think people were treating
you bad because you're black.

They're treating you bad
because you're buck-ass naked!

Chris, Chris, please.
That is not true.

Look at these guys over here.
Look at those guys!

Nobody's
bothering them!

Well, uh,
thank you, Professor.

Thank you very much.

( cheering )

Here to perform
"Been Around the World,"

Please welcome Mase

And the CEO of Bad Boy
Entertainment, Puff Daddy!

( hip-hop music playing )

Bad Boy, Harlem World,
street team.

Yo, thank you!

Good night!
Give it up--

Arsenio,
Puff Daddy, Mase!

Now Flash,
take us out!

( record scratches )

( theme music playing )