Original subtitles

(air whooshing)

(air whooshing)

(air whooshing)

(air whooshing)

(wings fluttering)

(somber bluesy music)

(traffic whooshing)

- St. Bartholomew's Hospital, Lancaster.

I hope it's not serious.

"Dear All Alone, French is my first language,

"so please excuse my English.

"And please excuse the stationery,

"and please excuse my wobbly handwriting.

"Seems I broke my thumb.

"But other than that and a slight concussion,

"they tell me I'm okay.

"Of course nothing happened to Bud, nothing ever does.

"Bud's my boyfriend.

"Of course, they did end up barring him from the hospital

"for trying to make love to me in the emergency room,

"So that's how come I have the time to write to you.

"Anyway, you probably wanna get right down

"to the juicy stuff, so here goes."

- Bud and I love to hear a good house band,

but last Saturday night, the band didn't show up,

and at the last minute, the management had to scramble

to put on a different show.

♪ It's chitlin time

(water sloshing) (lively country music)

- [Announcer] Okay, ladies, turn around for everybody.

Look at them, all natural, organic.

Not a scalpel mark on 'em!

- You, hey, darling, you, you're the one, I tell ya!

You're the one, baby. - And the winner is--

- Ooh-whoo, you're the one,

right there! - Regina!

- Gina! - You're number one,

darling, you're it, whoo-hoo, yeah! (laughs)

- Regina, darling! - Whoo, yeah!

- [Announcer] Come on over here

and talk to me. - Gina, yeah, hey,

yeah, you, darling! - Tell us all about you.

I'm very curious about you. - Hey, whoo, honey, honey,

you're the winner, no doubt, right?

She's the winner, right, number one, numero uno, right?

Yeah, no doubt about it, yeah! - Where are you from, darling?

- Where are you going, hmm? - First down the--

- It's a contest, it's just voting.

This is America, I'm just expressing my opinion.

- Opinion, my ass.

Give Bud a couple of beers and anything can happen,

but when he goes too far, I yank the leash and reel him in.

- Regina from North Carolina! (crowd cheering)

Let's hear it out there, come on, let's make some noise.

(women chattering)

(crowd cheering)

♪ So grab a suitcase

♪ Tie up your shoelace

- I'd like to thank my parents,

and my ex-boyfriend, Dr. Katz,

and all you guys that voted for me.

- And now something for the boys.

- [Regina] Oh, yeah, remember, boys!

- Regina from North Carolina!

- [Regina] Conserve water, don't drink and drive,

just say no, and practice safe sex.

- [Announcer] Regina from North Carolina!

(crowd chattering)

(lively country music)

- [Regina] Oh, tell me I'm number one! (giggles)

- [Bud] You're number one, baby.

- [Regina] Say numero uno.

- [Bud] Numero uno.

(laughs) Baby, ooh, number one.

♪ She got a wiggle in her walk

♪ Like ballin' the jack

♪ She can shake that thing

♪ And it's a state-wide fact

♪ That she's 16 and single, boys, got no ♪

- Baby, where are you going, what are you doing?

Look, nothing happened.

Look, we were just talking, come on.

Get in the car here, go ahead.

(Elaine sighs)

Either believe me or believe your eyes.

Good idea, we'll go for a ride and talk about it.

(engine rumbling)

(tires screeching)

(laughs) God, so you mad at me?

(laughs) I can understand that.

I mean, I, it's your right,

but just like the counselor said, it's healthy for you

to express your anger.

That's what I like about you (laughs).

Come on, it's nothing we can't work out.

You give a little, I give a little, no one gets hurt, okay?

So let's talk about it.

Yeah (laughs), okay, so I guess you expect me to explain.

All right (laughs), ah, so that's good.

We're having a discussion.

(sighs) Like I said,

we were just talking.

She followed me, she found me in the men's room

with my pants down.

She wouldn't stop talking.

Some girls are like that, just won't take no for an answer.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Put yourself in my shoes, what would you do, huh?

(sighs) So okay, you don't wanna put yourself in my place.

Put yourself in her place, huh?

Poor thing probably never had a compliment before.

Felt sorry for her standing there in the back.

I can see her right now at home on Saturday night

watching TV all alone.

Poor thing finally gets enough nerve to go out.

Felt sorry for her.

(water splashing)

That's right, felt sorry for her.

♪ Now she just can't get

- See, hell yeah, sometimes you try to do something nice

for somebody and somehow it gets misinterpreted.

You end up in the doghouse.

All right (sighs), look, baby, I admit it, I'm human.

I make mistakes like everybody else.

I don't have all the answers.

Look at me, look, it's true.

I'm shaking, look at that.

I am, look, you have me pushed up against the wall.

I'm shaking, look, see, look, look.

(tires screeching)

All right, all right, all right, you're right,

you're right, it was me, but it wasn't really me.

It was one of those out-of-body experiences, you know,

like we read in the checkout line.

And you know what, it was scary.

It was, it was scary, it was, come on!

You can't do this to me, not right now,

not when you know how really, really vulnerable

I am right now.

You know things haven't been going good at work,

recession, Smitty got fired, I could be next.

People aren't interested in craftsmanship anymore.

Just as long as their car starts in the morning,

that's all they give a shit about.

Nobody needs a carburetor artist like me anymore.

That's right, I said a good mechanic

is an endangered species, just like the dinosaurs.

Just a matter of time before I end up as fossil fuel

in somebody else's gas tank.

So it's perfectly understandable

that when Saturday night comes around,

and me and guys like me on the verge of extinction

need to, need to let off a little steam, yeah!

But you know, the difference between me and them

is that I take you with me, I do.

Everywhere I go, I take you with me, right?

We're in it together, right, right? (sighs)

Talk to me, baby, please.

All right, I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal with you.

I'm gonna shut up and not even try and deny

that something upsetting may have happened back there,

but just one thing, tell me for the record

what would you have done if you were in my shoes, huh?

What would you have done, tell me.

♪ I'm looking for some fun

- Goddammit (laughs), you're really starting

to piss me off, you know that?

You know why, because, because every time

we have an argument, you feel like

you gotta win. (tires screeching)

Ow, dammit, ow, you bit me!

God, I hate this, this is stupid!

There you are blaming me for some shit that ain't me.

My sex drive is in my DNA, it's my genes.

Hell, my old man lost both his legs in the war,

and he still has the hottest reputation

back home in Tempe, Arizona.

Even with those college kids and everything,

he's still numero uno with the ladies.

That's right, I said ladies, and my brother Delbert,

forget about it, the big D, say no more.

Talk about sex drive, what about when you went

through that phase when the only way you could get turned on

is if we did it in public? (laughs)

At football games, huh,

with the crowd cheering all around us?

Everybody else is blocking and tackling

and we're back there fucking, Jesus, God.

Or how 'bout in traffic, huh?

When we were stuck in traffic and those truckers

are looking down on us, didn't know what to do.

Or in the park on Sunday afternoons, huh?

Remember that, do you?

Sh, how 'bout in the windows

of a certain tall building at night

with all the lights on, God (laughs) bless.

You remember the Cadillac, don't you, huh, the Cadillac?

(laughs) You gotta remember the Cadillac.

Remember the Cadillac, hmm, do you?

The Cadillac in the garage on the lift?

Smitty was changing the oil, remember?

We had to be real careful.

It was swaying back and forth (laughs).

Come on, baby, talk to me.

Say anything, come on.

Think about all the good times we've shared together.

Think about all the times I've been there for you, huh, hmm?

Like that time at Myrtle Beach when you got so goddamn hot

I thought you were gonna die, nine hours straight.

That's right, I said nine hours straight.

I kept looking over at the clock on the floor

and staring at it, thinking to myself, Jesus H. Christ,

we're still going at it!

I mean, nine hours straight?

New world's record, even now when I'm sitting at the house

all alone by myself, start thinking about it.

(sultry pop music)

(tires screeching)

(engine rumbling)

(engine rumbling)

Mm, mm, we did it all, everything,

every position invented by man or God.

(sighs) Baby, baby, that brings to mind that couple

in Fort Lauderdale, and let's not forget

mm, Fort Lauderdale.

How could we ever forget mm, Fort Lauderdale? (laughs)

What I love about strip poker

is even when you lose, you win.

Then there was that time in Daytona Beach

with that girlfriend of yours, Rita?

Oh, my God in heaven.

You know, when I invited her into our room for the beer,

you know, I thought that'd be it,

but then she just kept hanging around,

and then when she took that shower and asked you

to come on in and soap up her back?

Oh, my God, I thought I was gonna explode.

Hey, she was hot for me, so I said,

"Baby, if you want me, you gotta take her, too.

"It's a package deal."

Oh, baby, baby, ooh, you were so damn hot,

beyond hot, hot as a motherfucker, whoa (laughs).

What I'm trying to say is baby, you're the best.

What happened tonight was just a bump, a temporary detour

on the road of the rest of our lives together.

Hell, you're gonna be the mother of my children.

Talking about your mother,

I don't know if she had a chance to tell ya,

but I even called her yesterday to express my sympathy

over those hot flashes you told me she was having.

I told her I hope she gets well soon

and not to worry about that affair your father's having

with that 15-year-old girl.

I told her to keep your chin up, Mom, hang tough.

And by the way, I never said it was okay

for him to use my apartment, see?

I'm as sensitive as the next guy, and caring,

and loving, and sensitive, S-E-N-S-I-tive.

You write everything down, write that down,

S-I-tive, that's it.

I'm not afraid to show my emotions.

Write that down, too.

Talk to me, baby.

Come on, please, say something, talk to me.

Come on, you got to, I'm gonna lose touch

with my rational self if you don't, huh?

Come on, remember the other little person

that lives inside of me, huh?

We're talking low blood sugar.

We're talking animal instincts.

We're talking the world of the criminally insane?

Jesus, Mary, mother of God, talk to me!

You know, I was under the impression that our relationship

had reached maturity, but I guess I was wrong.

(engine roaring)

Talk to me, honey, come on, talk to me.

Please say something, say anything.

(tires screeching)

Really got me going now.

It's become a thing, there's no turning back.

Talk or die, those are the new rules.

(tires screeching) (horn honking)

It's your choice, you choose, talk or die.

(metal clinks)

(Bud sighs)

You wanna play rough.

Right, you wanna play tough.

What you don't understand

is that I'm bringing stability into your life.

That's right, we're in it together.

(tires screeching)

(horn honking) Live together, play together,

die together. (tires screeching)

(metal crashes) (tires screeching)

Talk or die.

(sighs) All right.

You win, I give up.

I'm a beat man.

(sighs) I know what you need.

This'll calm you down.

It's time for our song.

♪ Never really know

- Oh, God, that's the 15th time you've trashed that tape.

Isn't there anything that's sacred anymore, huh?

You know, all I wanted tonight was to be held.

That's it, to be held, feel protected.

Believe me, baby, at times like this,

I think about growing old all alone,

and I think back on all those silly mistakes I made,

even back there, thinking back on how different

my life could've been if only I'd taken advantage

of this opportunity or that.

Even people with worse luck than me,

I bet if they look back on their lives,

there was at least one or two opportunities

they could've grabbed onto along the way

that would've turned everything around.

Call it destiny, call it anything you want,

but hooking up with you the way I have

is the greatest thing in my life.

So naturally, what do I do?

I set out to destroy it, why?

I don't know why, because I guess deep down inside,

I feel like I don't deserve you, I don't know.

I, maybe I'm afraid you'll leave me.

All I do know is that I couldn't stand to lose you,

because what you are is the golden ring.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Like I said, without you, I'm just another mechanic

on the verge of extinction.

But with you, there's hope, blue skies.

The way you smell, the baby powder you use,

your perfume, the way you're always somehow wet

when I slide my hand down between your legs.

With you, I get this vision of who I can become

instead of who I am.

That's the way I feel, but you know,

even with all those good things considered,

unless you talk to me, unless you open your goddamn mouth

and speak in the next 15 seconds, I'm gonna drive this car

through that barricade up ahead, that's right.

I said it all comes down to that, talk or die.

(engine roars)

15, 14, you know what?

Even after everything you've put me through,

I'm here to tell you that nothing else in the whole world

means anything to me but you.

Seven, six, that's right,

because if you don't have love, what's the use in living?

Three, two, talk to me, baby, one.

I love you.

(metal crashing) (glass clattering)

(car booms) (glass clatters)

(debris thudding)

(somber music)

(birds chirping)

- Shh.

I just love foreplay.

(cheerful pop music)

♪ Always making love to you

♪ Even when you're far away

♪ Don't matter what the time of day ♪

♪ I'm always making love

- Wow, now that's quite an interesting relationship.

Some leash she's got him on, hey, Stella?

Subject you know something about.

Talk about compatibility.

But I guess it's not about how it looks from the outside.

If it fits, it fits.

Can you see them about 75 years old,

she's still setting him up and he's still taking the bait?

Perfect, just another Saturday night.

Talk to me, Stella. (Stella barks)

Talk to me.

(Stella barks)

♪ No matter what the time of the day ♪

♪ I'm always making love to you ♪

♪ Doesn't matter what we do

♪ It doesn't matter where we go ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm with you

♪ We'll be making love

♪ Ooh

♪ Always making love to you

♪ Even when you're far away

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

♪ I'm always making love to you, to you ♪

♪ Always making love to you, to you ♪

♪ Always making love to you, to you ♪

♪ Always making love to you, to you ♪

♪ Always making love to you, to you ♪

♪ Always mak