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1
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- Come, come to me,
2
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mi hijo.
3
00:00:37,894 --> 00:00:40,562
- Tiffani, you are crying.
4
00:00:40,596 --> 00:00:42,898
Why, my darling?
5
00:00:42,932 --> 00:00:44,465
- Oh, Ernesto,
6
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,401
it's just I've been
7
00:00:46,435 --> 00:00:48,403
with so many men.
8
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- Have there been many?
9
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- No.
10
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- It will not matter
11
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if you have been
12
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with millions of men.
13
00:00:56,278 --> 00:00:57,579
- Well,
14
00:00:57,613 --> 00:00:59,080
you're getting warm.
15
00:00:59,114 --> 00:01:01,082
With other men it's just sex.
16
00:01:01,116 --> 00:01:02,751
Random trashy sex
17
00:01:02,785 --> 00:01:05,420
that goes on for days.
18
00:01:05,454 --> 00:01:07,422
But with you,
19
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I will finally make love.
20
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Oh, Ernesto,
21
00:01:19,468 --> 00:01:21,436
I totally love you.
22
00:01:21,470 --> 00:01:23,438
- I want to make
23
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many children.
24
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- Yes, children.
25
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Put children in me now!
26
00:01:33,482 --> 00:01:36,785
Fuck me now!
27
00:01:36,819 --> 00:01:39,120
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
28
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Oh, yes, fuck me
29
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like a day laborer.
30
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Yeah, baby,
31
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take me from behind.
32
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Use me, treat me
33
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like a fuck machine.
34
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Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
35
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- In the butt?
36
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- Yes, in the butt, now.
37
00:01:55,237 --> 00:01:56,537
- Tiffani, we must stop.
38
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- If you stop
39
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I'll rip off your dick
40
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and shove it in there myself.
41
00:02:00,743 --> 00:02:01,876
- Tiffani,
42
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we're in a coffin.
43
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- Shut up,
44
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you're ruining my fantasy.
45
00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:07,548
- Tiffani.
46
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- Shit, my speech.
47
00:02:11,921 --> 00:02:13,755
Gracias, Ernesto.
48
00:02:15,858 --> 00:02:17,659
I love funerals.
49
00:02:38,047 --> 00:02:39,914
- Kyle and Mark loved life,
50
00:02:39,949 --> 00:02:41,415
and that's why
51
00:02:41,450 --> 00:02:44,085
we're here today.
52
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My son was so proud
53
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,089
of his homosexuality
54
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that he would want you all
55
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to know exactly how he died.
56
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My son rocketed off
57
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this mortal coil
58
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at 80 miles an hour
59
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,901
down the Ronald Regan freeway
60
00:02:59,935 --> 00:03:01,803
while giving the man he loved
61
00:03:01,837 --> 00:03:03,538
a blowjob.
62
00:03:03,572 --> 00:03:05,040
According
63
00:03:05,074 --> 00:03:08,910
to the autopsy report,
64
00:03:08,944 --> 00:03:13,114
as Mark began to bust a nut,
65
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,449
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared
66
00:03:15,484 --> 00:03:17,451
going in the wrong direction.
67
00:03:17,486 --> 00:03:19,453
Upon impact,
68
00:03:19,488 --> 00:03:22,957
my boys came together.
69
00:03:22,992 --> 00:03:24,959
And they died together,
70
00:03:24,994 --> 00:03:27,295
doing what they loved.
71
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:30,631
Amen.
72
00:03:34,670 --> 00:03:36,637
Kyle's best friend,
73
00:03:36,672 --> 00:03:38,639
Tiffani Vanderslut,
74
00:03:38,674 --> 00:03:41,309
has prepared a special tribute.
75
00:03:41,343 --> 00:03:43,044
- I wouldn't call us
76
00:03:43,079 --> 00:03:44,713
best friends exactly.
77
00:04:00,830 --> 00:04:02,797
This number goes out to you,
78
00:04:02,832 --> 00:04:05,800
Kyle and Mark.
79
00:04:05,835 --> 00:04:08,469
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
80
00:04:08,503 --> 00:04:10,304
I remember the time
81
00:04:10,339 --> 00:04:11,973
Kyle pretended to be straight
82
00:04:12,007 --> 00:04:14,475
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
83
00:04:14,509 --> 00:04:16,644
who made him eat my pussy.
84
00:04:16,678 --> 00:04:18,646
And then everything went...
85
00:04:21,183 --> 00:04:22,884
Well, maybe that's not
86
00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:25,720
an appropriate memory.
87
00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:27,388
And Mark.
88
00:04:27,422 --> 00:04:29,390
Actually I hardly knew you
89
00:04:29,424 --> 00:04:30,892
but whatever,
90
00:04:30,926 --> 00:04:32,227
thanks for coming.
91
00:04:36,431 --> 00:04:38,133
Here's a little diddy
92
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:40,802
I learned in Girl Scouts.
93
00:04:40,836 --> 00:04:43,437
I had to look up the lyrics
94
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online.
95
00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:59,888
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
96
00:04:59,922 --> 00:05:02,957
# cum-by-ya. #
97
00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:06,661
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
98
00:05:06,695 --> 00:05:10,131
# cum-by-ya. #
99
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:15,170
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
100
00:05:15,204 --> 00:05:18,606
# cum-by-ya. #
101
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:24,612
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
102
00:05:24,646 --> 00:05:28,249
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
103
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:30,885
# cum-by-ya. #
104
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,855
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
105
00:05:33,889 --> 00:05:36,057
# cum-by-ya. #
106
00:05:36,091 --> 00:05:38,927
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
107
00:05:38,961 --> 00:05:41,129
# cum-by-ya. #
108
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# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
109
00:05:44,599 --> 00:05:47,568
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
110
00:05:47,602 --> 00:05:49,237
# cum-by-ya. #
111
00:05:49,271 --> 00:05:50,972
# Someone's squirming, #
112
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# my lord, #
113
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# cum-by-ya. #
114
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# Someone's horny, my lord, #
115
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# cum-by-ya. #
116
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# Oh yes, my lord! #
117
00:06:01,917 --> 00:06:04,052
# Cum-by-ya. #
118
00:06:04,253 --> 00:06:06,721
Oh, God, it's so hard,
119
00:06:06,755 --> 00:06:09,057
I just need to...
120
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pray.
121
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- Lord,
122
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hear our prayer.
123
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- I'm gonna love
124
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this town.
125
00:06:33,515 --> 00:06:34,815
- It isn't much,
126
00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:36,150
but I can give you
127
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a good deal on the rent.
128
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- It's perfection.
129
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- You haven't seen it.
130
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- It's near my Aunt,
131
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what more could I want?
132
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- Well, it is furnished
133
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and it'll be nice
134
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to have family around.
135
00:06:47,196 --> 00:06:48,662
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
136
00:06:50,866 --> 00:06:52,666
- I just wish you and Kyle
137
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could've spent
138
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more time together.
139
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Did he know you were a mo?
140
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- Uh...
141
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I didn't know I was a mo
142
00:07:00,876 --> 00:07:02,510
until like a year ago.
143
00:07:02,544 --> 00:07:04,012
- Color me, Britney.
144
00:07:04,046 --> 00:07:05,679
I always thought you were gayer
145
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than a midnight screening
146
00:07:07,216 --> 00:07:08,349
of Showgirls.
147
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,517
- I was
148
00:07:09,551 --> 00:07:10,851
one of those clueless gays.
149
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Everyone knew but me.
150
00:07:12,054 --> 00:07:13,354
- So when did you finally
151
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,522
get your man-cherry popped?
152
00:07:14,556 --> 00:07:15,689
- Aunt Helen!
153
00:07:15,724 --> 00:07:17,191
You don't wanna hear about that.
154
00:07:17,226 --> 00:07:18,526
- Of course I do.
155
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I wouldn't be a good aunt
156
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if I didn't.
157
00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:25,633
- 696? Is that local?
158
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- Well, I gave your number
159
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to that slut
160
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from the funeral, Tiffani.
161
00:07:29,905 --> 00:07:31,372
- Oh, I love her.
162
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- Kyle adored her.
163
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And, well, I thought
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you might need some new friends,
165
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even if they are loser whores.
166
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- Hello?
167
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- Casey, Casey.
168
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- Hey, Tiffani.
169
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- How did you know
170
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it was me?
171
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- I remembered
172
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your sultry voice
173
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form the funeral.
174
00:07:48,457 --> 00:07:49,424
- Compliments
175
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will get you nowhere
176
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unless you're straight.
177
00:07:51,793 --> 00:07:53,094
And hung like Mr. T.
178
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- Damn and damn.
179
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- As I thought.
180
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Your aunt tells me
181
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you need a job,
182
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why don't you get
183
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your faggoty ass
184
00:08:00,135 --> 00:08:01,436
down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
185
00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:02,770
- You are such a stud.
186
00:08:02,804 --> 00:08:03,938
- I know.
187
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Fuff!
188
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Where have you been
189
00:08:06,475 --> 00:08:07,942
sticking these things?
190
00:08:08,643 --> 00:08:10,211
- Oh!
191
00:08:10,245 --> 00:08:11,545
- Go on,
192
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go get your tramp on.
193
00:08:13,082 --> 00:08:14,382
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
194
00:08:22,757 --> 00:08:24,325
- I am the coolest adult
195
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in the world.
196
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:37,838
Oh, Kyle...
197
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My little queen.
198
00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:56,857
- Nail Me, we do nails.
199
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With release!
200
00:09:00,229 --> 00:09:02,196
No, I'm kidding, I mean,
201
00:09:02,231 --> 00:09:03,931
unless you're a really hot guy.
202
00:09:03,965 --> 00:09:05,433
Are you?
203
00:09:05,967 --> 00:09:07,435
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
204
00:09:07,469 --> 00:09:08,936
my brand of humor...
205
00:09:10,639 --> 00:09:11,939
Well, I'm sorry I offended
206
00:09:11,973 --> 00:09:13,107
your Christian sensibility,
207
00:09:13,142 --> 00:09:14,775
but if you worship a guy
208
00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,277
who was hung on a cross,
209
00:09:16,311 --> 00:09:17,611
nails should be the last thing
210
00:09:17,646 --> 00:09:18,946
on your mind.
211
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:21,282
Who needs customer
212
00:09:21,316 --> 00:09:22,883
like her anyway.
213
00:09:29,091 --> 00:09:30,558
- Let me introduce you
214
00:09:30,592 --> 00:09:31,892
to the girls.
215
00:09:31,927 --> 00:09:34,562
Pam, Candy.
216
00:09:53,949 --> 00:09:55,416
- They said they can't wait
217
00:09:55,451 --> 00:09:56,750
to get to know you.
218
00:09:56,785 --> 00:09:57,918
- Cool.
219
00:09:57,953 --> 00:09:59,420
Tell them I feel the same way.
220
00:10:09,465 --> 00:10:11,599
- Basically, you sweep up,
221
00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:12,933
take phone calls
222
00:10:12,968 --> 00:10:14,435
and do whatever we say.
223
00:10:14,470 --> 00:10:15,936
Can you handle that?
224
00:10:15,971 --> 00:10:17,671
- Is Madonna awesome?
225
00:10:18,873 --> 00:10:20,174
- Okay.
226
00:10:20,209 --> 00:10:21,675
Well the job's yours anyway,
227
00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:23,277
but there's one little catch.
228
00:10:23,312 --> 00:10:25,012
You have to come with me
229
00:10:25,046 --> 00:10:26,180
to this event thingy.
230
00:10:26,215 --> 00:10:27,515
- I love event thingies.
231
00:10:27,549 --> 00:10:28,849
- You try too hard.
232
00:10:28,883 --> 00:10:30,017
Come on.
233
00:10:30,051 --> 00:10:31,185
- Right now?
234
00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:32,353
What about work?
235
00:10:32,387 --> 00:10:33,521
- Fuck them.
236
00:10:33,555 --> 00:10:35,623
- Fuck you, too.
237
00:10:38,494 --> 00:10:39,961
- What are we doing here?
238
00:10:39,995 --> 00:10:41,463
I don't like places like this.
239
00:10:41,497 --> 00:10:42,464
- Me neither,
240
00:10:42,498 --> 00:10:43,798
but they have this fundraiser
241
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,132
where they auction off dates
242
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,468
with shirtless beefcakes.
243
00:10:46,502 --> 00:10:47,802
Nudity and open bar.
244
00:10:47,837 --> 00:10:49,303
- You're taking me to that?!
245
00:10:49,338 --> 00:10:50,805
- No, it's in two weeks.
246
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,973
And you're taking me.
247
00:10:52,007 --> 00:10:53,140
Kyle was going to,
248
00:10:53,175 --> 00:10:54,476
but, you know, he's dead.
249
00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:55,810
So you're going to volunteer
250
00:10:55,845 --> 00:10:57,144
and get us free tickets.
251
00:10:57,179 --> 00:10:58,480
- But I'm so not
252
00:10:58,514 --> 00:10:59,647
a hot shirtless man.
253
00:10:59,682 --> 00:11:00,982
- You're hardly a man,
254
00:11:01,016 --> 00:11:02,484
no one would pay for you,
255
00:11:02,518 --> 00:11:03,485
you'll help out
256
00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:04,486
behind the scenes.
257
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,987
- Why would I do that?
258
00:11:06,021 --> 00:11:07,489
- I gave you that job
259
00:11:07,523 --> 00:11:08,823
and I can replace you
260
00:11:08,858 --> 00:11:10,157
with an immigrant, like that!
261
00:11:10,192 --> 00:11:11,158
- Okay, okay,
262
00:11:11,193 --> 00:11:12,494
it's just that I'm not
263
00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:13,828
into the whole gay scene.
264
00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:14,829
- Welcome
265
00:11:14,864 --> 00:11:16,163
to the whole gay scene.
266
00:11:16,198 --> 00:11:17,499
Are you kids here
267
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:18,666
to volunteer?
268
00:11:18,701 --> 00:11:20,502
- I'm not but Casey is.
269
00:11:20,536 --> 00:11:22,103
- Fabulous.
270
00:11:22,137 --> 00:11:23,771
Darling, you're shaking
271
00:11:23,806 --> 00:11:25,773
like a little Chihuahua.
272
00:11:25,808 --> 00:11:27,609
Don't be nervous,
273
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,544
I don't bite...much.
274
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:32,714
- He's never volunteered
275
00:11:32,748 --> 00:11:33,715
before.
276
00:11:33,749 --> 00:11:34,883
- Oh, a virgin.
277
00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:36,217
- If you don't count
278
00:11:36,251 --> 00:11:37,218
anal.
279
00:11:37,252 --> 00:11:38,386
- Well, either way,
280
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:39,554
fill out this paperwork
281
00:11:39,588 --> 00:11:40,889
and then I'll have Zack,
282
00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:42,323
our volunteer coordinator,
283
00:11:42,357 --> 00:11:43,992
meet with you and figure out
284
00:11:44,026 --> 00:11:45,326
which position
285
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,495
you'd be most comfortable in.
286
00:11:47,530 --> 00:11:49,497
So to speak.
287
00:11:50,032 --> 00:11:50,999
- That's why
288
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:52,333
I don't like these places.
289
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:53,501
They're full of these
290
00:11:53,536 --> 00:11:54,502
old horn dogs
291
00:11:54,537 --> 00:11:55,670
looking to get laid.
292
00:11:55,704 --> 00:11:56,671
- Jesus.
293
00:11:56,705 --> 00:11:58,006
Lay off the fox news.
294
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,340
- Really, I always hear
295
00:11:59,374 --> 00:12:00,508
'the gay community' this,
296
00:12:00,543 --> 00:12:01,676
the 'gay community' that.
297
00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:03,177
But all I see are a bunch
298
00:12:03,211 --> 00:12:04,178
of drunk assholes
299
00:12:04,212 --> 00:12:05,179
looking for sex,
300
00:12:05,213 --> 00:12:06,347
who don't care anything
301
00:12:06,381 --> 00:12:07,348
about relationships.
302
00:12:07,382 --> 00:12:08,349
- Excuse me,
303
00:12:08,383 --> 00:12:09,517
Maria full of grace,
304
00:12:09,552 --> 00:12:10,685
but that doesn't sound
305
00:12:10,719 --> 00:12:11,853
any different
306
00:12:11,887 --> 00:12:13,187
than any straight bar.
307
00:12:13,221 --> 00:12:14,856
Drunk sweaty men.
308
00:12:14,890 --> 00:12:16,357
Drooling, groping,
309
00:12:16,391 --> 00:12:18,359
pressing their manhood
310
00:12:18,393 --> 00:12:19,694
all up against
311
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:20,862
your supple ass
312
00:12:20,896 --> 00:12:22,196
on the dance floor.
313
00:12:22,230 --> 00:12:23,698
- God, you are gayer
314
00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:24,866
than I am.
315
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:26,200
- Honey, I'm gayer
316
00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:27,535
than a Kevin Spacey
317
00:12:27,570 --> 00:12:28,703
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
318
00:12:28,737 --> 00:12:30,038
and what's wrong with that?
319
00:12:30,072 --> 00:12:31,539
- Nothing, it's just
320
00:12:31,574 --> 00:12:32,540
I'm disappointed
321
00:12:32,575 --> 00:12:33,708
at how sex-centric
322
00:12:33,742 --> 00:12:35,209
the gay community is.
323
00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:36,544
- It's called homosexual,
324
00:12:36,579 --> 00:12:37,879
not homo-hug-ual,
325
00:12:37,913 --> 00:12:39,047
what did you expect?
326
00:12:39,081 --> 00:12:40,214
- Romance?
327
00:12:40,248 --> 00:12:41,950
I want to travel the world
328
00:12:41,984 --> 00:12:43,284
on scooters, adopt children.
329
00:12:43,318 --> 00:12:44,285
- Children
330
00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:45,620
are just abortions that eat.
331
00:12:45,654 --> 00:12:46,788
- You know what?
332
00:12:46,822 --> 00:12:48,522
Forget it, I am not signing
333
00:12:48,557 --> 00:12:50,058
that stupid...
334
00:12:51,426 --> 00:12:53,394
Oh, my fuck.
335
00:13:08,443 --> 00:13:09,744
- I see you got
336
00:13:09,778 --> 00:13:10,912
your paperwork.
337
00:13:10,946 --> 00:13:12,080
- Uh, yeah...
338
00:13:12,114 --> 00:13:13,414
just let me sign it.
339
00:13:15,117 --> 00:13:16,918
- Cool.
340
00:13:16,952 --> 00:13:18,086
Jonathan?
341
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,453
- Uh, Casey.
342
00:13:19,488 --> 00:13:20,955
- Oh, I'm Zack.
343
00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:22,456
This is Tandy.
344
00:13:22,491 --> 00:13:23,791
- I'm his best friend.
345
00:13:23,826 --> 00:13:24,959
- That's so funny,
346
00:13:24,994 --> 00:13:26,628
I'm here with my best friend,
347
00:13:26,662 --> 00:13:27,795
Tiffani.
348
00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:29,296
- No, I'm more like
349
00:13:29,331 --> 00:13:30,464
your boss.
350
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:31,633
- Wow, best friends
351
00:13:31,667 --> 00:13:32,800
with T names.
352
00:13:32,835 --> 00:13:34,301
- Yeah, we should like
353
00:13:34,336 --> 00:13:35,469
form a club.
354
00:13:35,504 --> 00:13:36,638
- Excuse me,
355
00:13:36,672 --> 00:13:38,973
I gotta go take a shit.
356
00:13:39,008 --> 00:13:40,708
- I'll come with.
357
00:13:42,577 --> 00:13:43,711
- So you're comfortable
358
00:13:43,746 --> 00:13:44,879
taking off your clothes?
359
00:13:44,913 --> 00:13:45,880
- What?
360
00:13:45,914 --> 00:13:47,214
- Oh, I just assumed
361
00:13:47,249 --> 00:13:48,215
you were volunteering
362
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:49,550
to be one of the studs
363
00:13:49,584 --> 00:13:50,718
in the male sale.
364
00:13:50,753 --> 00:13:52,219
- I'm clearly not a...
365
00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:53,721
stud.
366
00:13:53,756 --> 00:13:55,723
Are you a...a stud?
367
00:13:55,758 --> 00:13:57,224
I mean in the male sale?
368
00:13:57,259 --> 00:13:58,726
- Yes, I'm in the auction.
369
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:00,061
But I sorta do
370
00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:01,729
everything around here.
371
00:14:01,764 --> 00:14:04,398
- So, wow, how'd you get
372
00:14:04,432 --> 00:14:05,900
into volunteering?
373
00:14:05,934 --> 00:14:07,401
- I'm running credit
374
00:14:07,435 --> 00:14:08,903
for this faggotry studies class
375
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,237
and it's a good way
376
00:14:10,272 --> 00:14:11,405
to meet people.
377
00:14:11,439 --> 00:14:12,740
- Totally good way.
378
00:14:12,775 --> 00:14:13,908
- Well, they look
379
00:14:13,942 --> 00:14:15,076
like they're getting along.
380
00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:16,811
- I guess we have to pretend
381
00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:18,312
to like each other now.
382
00:14:18,346 --> 00:14:19,814
- Wow, you're really good
383
00:14:19,848 --> 00:14:20,982
at it.
384
00:14:21,016 --> 00:14:22,150
- What are some
385
00:14:22,184 --> 00:14:23,317
of your skills?
386
00:14:23,351 --> 00:14:24,318
- Huh?
387
00:14:24,352 --> 00:14:25,653
- Things you can do
388
00:14:25,688 --> 00:14:26,988
to help with the auction?
389
00:14:27,022 --> 00:14:28,322
Since we can't sell you.
390
00:14:28,356 --> 00:14:30,558
- Well...
391
00:14:30,592 --> 00:14:32,393
what are your skills?
392
00:14:32,427 --> 00:14:33,728
- Brochures, visual stuff,
393
00:14:33,762 --> 00:14:35,229
I'm an art major.
394
00:14:35,263 --> 00:14:36,564
I design all the posters here.
395
00:14:36,598 --> 00:14:37,899
- I can't even
396
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,567
make a smiley on my cellphone.
397
00:14:39,601 --> 00:14:41,069
- Can you write?
398
00:14:41,103 --> 00:14:42,236
- Does texting count?
399
00:14:42,270 --> 00:14:43,571
- Maybe you could write
400
00:14:43,605 --> 00:14:44,572
the copy
401
00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:45,907
for one of the flyers
402
00:14:45,941 --> 00:14:47,075
I'm designing.
403
00:14:47,109 --> 00:14:48,576
We could work on it together.
404
00:14:48,610 --> 00:14:49,911
- I'd love to.
405
00:14:49,945 --> 00:14:51,412
- Can I get your number?
406
00:14:51,446 --> 00:14:52,413
- Really?
407
00:14:52,447 --> 00:14:53,915
- Yeah, you didn't write it
408
00:14:53,949 --> 00:14:55,083
on your form.
409
00:14:55,117 --> 00:14:56,417
- Oh, yeah.
410
00:14:56,451 --> 00:14:57,752
- Do you know
411
00:14:57,786 --> 00:14:58,920
the Blue Dahlia Café?
412
00:14:58,954 --> 00:15:00,088
- Uh, yeah.
413
00:15:00,122 --> 00:15:01,422
- Let's meet there tomorrow
414
00:15:01,456 --> 00:15:02,423
at 4:00.
415
00:15:02,457 --> 00:15:03,758
We'll put you to work.
416
00:15:03,792 --> 00:15:04,926
- Okay, well, here's
417
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,660
my number and you can have it
418
00:15:06,695 --> 00:15:07,995
too, if you want to...
419
00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,163
- Zack!
420
00:15:16,538 --> 00:15:18,239
Can we leave this dump already?
421
00:15:18,273 --> 00:15:19,573
I can feel the troll
422
00:15:19,608 --> 00:15:20,908
sucking our youth away.
423
00:15:20,943 --> 00:15:22,243
- Lionel.
424
00:15:22,277 --> 00:15:23,577
This is my boyfriend.
425
00:15:23,612 --> 00:15:25,246
- Oh, great.
426
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,081
- Me, you, talk in private.
427
00:15:27,116 --> 00:15:28,082
Now.
428
00:15:28,117 --> 00:15:29,250
- Excuse us.
429
00:15:29,284 --> 00:15:30,584
You didn't have to come
430
00:15:30,619 --> 00:15:31,919
if you're gonna be like this.
431
00:15:31,954 --> 00:15:33,254
- You're the one complaining
432
00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:34,588
we never get to spend
433
00:15:34,623 --> 00:15:35,589
enough time together.
434
00:15:35,624 --> 00:15:36,758
Well, here I am.
435
00:15:36,792 --> 00:15:37,925
- With your friends.
436
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,926
- Hey.
437
00:15:38,961 --> 00:15:39,927
We're letting you
438
00:15:39,962 --> 00:15:41,662
auction us off for this dump.
439
00:15:41,696 --> 00:15:42,663
Be grateful.
440
00:15:42,697 --> 00:15:43,998
Let's get out of here.
441
00:15:44,032 --> 00:15:45,166
- I'm signed up
442
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,167
for another hour.
443
00:15:46,201 --> 00:15:47,668
- I'll fucking cover for you.
444
00:15:47,702 --> 00:15:49,170
- You don't have to do that.
445
00:15:49,204 --> 00:15:50,671
- Oh, but I want to.
446
00:15:50,705 --> 00:15:52,006
Besides, fleabag here
447
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,174
gives me a rash.
448
00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:54,508
- But I wasn't anywhere
449
00:15:54,542 --> 00:15:55,509
near your pussy.
450
00:15:55,543 --> 00:15:56,844
- Get him the fuck
451
00:15:56,879 --> 00:15:58,579
out of here.
452
00:15:58,613 --> 00:16:00,581
- Thanks, Tandy.
453
00:16:00,615 --> 00:16:02,383
See you soon, buddy.
454
00:16:02,417 --> 00:16:04,485
- Yeah, sounds....
455
00:16:05,854 --> 00:16:07,321
Like that'll happen.
456
00:16:07,355 --> 00:16:08,823
He's sweet, nice, and hot.
457
00:16:08,857 --> 00:16:10,158
Of course he's taken.
458
00:16:10,192 --> 00:16:11,492
- Nah, he's just
459
00:16:11,526 --> 00:16:12,994
ass-pussy whipped.
460
00:16:13,028 --> 00:16:14,495
They won't last long.
461
00:16:14,529 --> 00:16:15,830
"Buddy."
462
00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:21,669
- Don't take it
463
00:16:21,703 --> 00:16:22,670
so personally.
464
00:16:22,704 --> 00:16:24,004
- Why are we together,
465
00:16:24,039 --> 00:16:25,172
we don't like doing
466
00:16:25,206 --> 00:16:26,173
the same things.
467
00:16:26,207 --> 00:16:27,508
- We like doing the same.
468
00:16:27,543 --> 00:16:28,676
- Swallowing doesn't count.
469
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:29,677
- Swallowing counts.
470
00:16:29,711 --> 00:16:30,678
It's extra credit.
471
00:16:30,712 --> 00:16:32,012
- It's been six months
472
00:16:32,047 --> 00:16:33,013
and I still feel
473
00:16:33,048 --> 00:16:34,014
you're pulling away.
474
00:16:34,049 --> 00:16:35,015
- Because you're always
475
00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:36,016
clinging on to me.
476
00:16:36,051 --> 00:16:37,184
- You won't even
477
00:16:37,218 --> 00:16:38,519
call us boyfriends in public.
478
00:16:38,554 --> 00:16:40,020
- You know you want me
479
00:16:40,055 --> 00:16:41,689
inside you.
480
00:16:41,723 --> 00:16:43,023
- No. I'm mad,
481
00:16:43,058 --> 00:16:44,692
I'm not happy
482
00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:46,360
with how things are going.
483
00:16:46,394 --> 00:16:48,362
- You're good at one thing.
484
00:16:50,231 --> 00:16:51,699
- Lionel.
485
00:16:51,733 --> 00:16:53,701
- You're great at it.
486
00:16:53,735 --> 00:16:55,369
- Please, don't.
487
00:17:02,243 --> 00:17:03,544
I can't believe
488
00:17:03,579 --> 00:17:05,045
I'm doing this.
489
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,514
Please stop.
490
00:17:13,889 --> 00:17:15,690
I don't want to do this.
491
00:17:22,063 --> 00:17:23,531
I don't wanna....
492
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:26,200
- Oh...
493
00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:27,702
Oh, yeah.
494
00:17:27,736 --> 00:17:29,203
No one does it better
495
00:17:29,237 --> 00:17:30,538
than you.
496
00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:36,711
You can cling on to that
497
00:17:36,745 --> 00:17:37,712
anytime you like,
498
00:17:37,746 --> 00:17:38,713
snuggle bear.
499
00:17:38,747 --> 00:17:40,047
- We're through, get out.
500
00:17:40,081 --> 00:17:41,382
- Can I at least
501
00:17:41,416 --> 00:17:42,984
come first?
502
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,485
- Get out!
503
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:45,653
- Come on.
504
00:17:45,687 --> 00:17:46,654
Are you ready
505
00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:47,989
to say goodbye to this?
506
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,490
- I'll slam the door on it
507
00:17:49,525 --> 00:17:50,992
if you don't get the fuck out.
508
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,493
- Good luck trying to find
509
00:17:52,528 --> 00:17:53,995
someone as hot as me.
510
00:17:56,532 --> 00:17:57,832
I'm gonna come right here
511
00:17:57,866 --> 00:17:59,166
on your front door.
512
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,503
Yeah, you know you wish
513
00:18:02,538 --> 00:18:04,338
you were sucking this.
514
00:18:04,372 --> 00:18:06,007
- What am I doing?
515
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:09,010
- Oh yeah.
516
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,679
Oh, fuck yeah.
517
00:18:19,721 --> 00:18:20,688
You know what?
518
00:18:20,722 --> 00:18:21,689
Enjoy being alone,
519
00:18:21,723 --> 00:18:22,857
whack job.
520
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:29,363
- Found him!
521
00:18:29,397 --> 00:18:30,698
- Wow, stalker much?
522
00:18:30,732 --> 00:18:32,033
- What should I say?
523
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,367
- I'm a lonely psychopath
524
00:18:33,401 --> 00:18:34,535
that look you up
525
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,037
within an hour of meeting you.
526
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:37,371
- Yes, I should wait
527
00:18:37,405 --> 00:18:38,372
until morning.
528
00:18:38,406 --> 00:18:39,540
- Then he'll think
529
00:18:39,575 --> 00:18:40,708
you obsessed about him
530
00:18:40,742 --> 00:18:41,709
all night.
531
00:18:41,743 --> 00:18:42,877
Don't you know anything
532
00:18:42,911 --> 00:18:43,878
about the internet?
533
00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:45,212
You should make a fake profile.
534
00:18:45,246 --> 00:18:46,213
- What?
535
00:18:46,247 --> 00:18:47,381
- Pretend to be
536
00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:48,549
a total random stranger
537
00:18:48,584 --> 00:18:49,884
so you can find out
538
00:18:49,918 --> 00:18:51,052
all his personal details.
539
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,219
People are honest
540
00:18:52,253 --> 00:18:53,220
with strangers.
541
00:18:53,254 --> 00:18:54,388
My fake name
542
00:18:54,422 --> 00:18:55,556
is Tittsy Montgomery.
543
00:18:55,591 --> 00:18:56,891
- I could find out
544
00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:57,892
if he wants
545
00:18:57,926 --> 00:18:58,893
a serious relationship.
546
00:18:58,927 --> 00:19:00,394
- I was thinking more
547
00:19:00,428 --> 00:19:03,064
like cock size but whatever.
548
00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:04,699
You need the perfect
549
00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:07,034
fake picture
550
00:19:07,069 --> 00:19:09,704
and I know the perfect person.
551
00:19:11,306 --> 00:19:12,773
- Holy rim job,
552
00:19:12,808 --> 00:19:14,108
who is that?
553
00:19:14,142 --> 00:19:15,610
- My incredibly hot ex BF,
554
00:19:15,644 --> 00:19:16,611
Ryan.
555
00:19:16,645 --> 00:19:17,612
He's a stripper.
556
00:19:17,646 --> 00:19:18,946
He was supposed to be
557
00:19:18,981 --> 00:19:20,114
my rebound after Troy
558
00:19:20,148 --> 00:19:21,115
broke my heart
559
00:19:21,149 --> 00:19:22,449
but he has a good tongue,
560
00:19:22,484 --> 00:19:23,784
so I let him stay.
561
00:19:23,819 --> 00:19:25,119
- Why did you break up
562
00:19:25,153 --> 00:19:26,453
with that?
563
00:19:30,325 --> 00:19:31,626
- What if your boyfriend
564
00:19:31,660 --> 00:19:32,627
finds out?
565
00:19:32,661 --> 00:19:33,628
- We have
566
00:19:33,662 --> 00:19:34,629
an open relationship.
567
00:19:34,663 --> 00:19:35,963
- Uhh, we do?
568
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,800
- Ryan, this is not
569
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:41,301
what it looks like.
570
00:19:44,339 --> 00:19:46,473
- Neither is this.
571
00:19:48,176 --> 00:19:49,644
- We had commitment issues.
572
00:19:49,678 --> 00:19:51,145
Anyway, he moved to Tucson
573
00:19:51,179 --> 00:19:52,312
so it's totally safe
574
00:19:52,347 --> 00:19:53,480
to use his pictures.
575
00:19:53,515 --> 00:19:54,982
- Why would I want Zack
576
00:19:55,017 --> 00:19:56,150
to talk to someone
577
00:19:56,184 --> 00:19:57,484
way hotter than I am.
578
00:19:57,519 --> 00:19:58,819
- When's the last time
579
00:19:58,854 --> 00:19:59,820
you opened up
580
00:19:59,855 --> 00:20:00,988
to an ugly stranger?
581
00:20:01,023 --> 00:20:02,156
Besides, you find out
582
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,490
what you need to know,
583
00:20:03,525 --> 00:20:04,659
then Ryan will disappear.
584
00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:05,826
A fake profile
585
00:20:05,861 --> 00:20:07,662
is the perfect wingman.
586
00:20:07,696 --> 00:20:09,496
- Okay.
587
00:20:09,531 --> 00:20:10,998
Okay, let's do this.
588
00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:12,332
What's my name?
589
00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:14,334
- Ryan.
590
00:20:14,369 --> 00:20:17,004
- Ryan.
591
00:20:17,039 --> 00:20:18,505
Do you agree to the following
592
00:20:18,540 --> 00:20:19,674
terms and conditions.
593
00:20:19,708 --> 00:20:20,675
Number one,
594
00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,676
GaySpaceBook.com...
595
00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:23,010
- Agree, you nerd!
596
00:20:23,045 --> 00:20:24,178
- You should really
597
00:20:24,212 --> 00:20:25,345
read these things,
598
00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:26,513
you never know.
599
00:20:26,548 --> 00:20:28,015
- What are you, a pilgrim?
600
00:20:28,050 --> 00:20:29,349
I bet you avoid
601
00:20:29,384 --> 00:20:31,652
handicap spaces. And vote.
602
00:20:31,687 --> 00:20:33,387
- Favorite movie?
603
00:20:33,421 --> 00:20:36,057
Roman Holiday, of course.
604
00:20:36,091 --> 00:20:38,726
Straight acting or not?
605
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,227
- Put, "I'm gay,
606
00:20:40,261 --> 00:20:41,729
"why should I act anything
607
00:20:41,763 --> 00:20:43,463
but what I am."
608
00:20:43,498 --> 00:20:44,965
- Oh, you are scary good,
609
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,300
girl.
610
00:20:47,002 --> 00:20:50,304
- Come on, breakup sex.
611
00:20:50,338 --> 00:20:52,306
You are a hottie, let's hope
612
00:20:52,340 --> 00:20:53,974
you're next door
613
00:20:54,009 --> 00:20:55,676
cause I don't feel like driving.
614
00:21:04,186 --> 00:21:10,157
blip-blip-blip-blip
615
00:21:10,525 --> 00:21:11,491
- Looking for?
616
00:21:11,526 --> 00:21:12,827
First I want to develop
617
00:21:12,861 --> 00:21:13,994
something special with you,
618
00:21:14,029 --> 00:21:15,329
then we fuck each other's
619
00:21:15,363 --> 00:21:16,330
brains out.
620
00:21:16,364 --> 00:21:17,331
Perfect combination
621
00:21:17,365 --> 00:21:18,665
of romantic and nasty, right?
622
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:19,666
- Whatever,
623
00:21:19,701 --> 00:21:20,835
no one reads those,
624
00:21:20,869 --> 00:21:22,002
just write them.
625
00:21:22,337 --> 00:21:26,173
- Oh yeah, oh...
626
00:21:35,550 --> 00:21:38,852
- Yummy.
627
00:21:38,886 --> 00:21:40,354
- Oh, my God, it's him.
628
00:21:40,388 --> 00:21:41,688
What do I do?
629
00:21:41,722 --> 00:21:43,190
What do I write?
630
00:21:43,224 --> 00:21:44,691
- Write what you know.
631
00:21:44,725 --> 00:21:46,660
Well, in your case, don't.
632
00:21:46,694 --> 00:21:48,395
- You're not helping.
633
00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:57,237
- Gotta play it cool.
634
00:21:59,607 --> 00:22:00,740
- Hey.
635
00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:01,908
That's so romantic.
636
00:22:06,948 --> 00:22:08,248
- Kindly help
637
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:09,583
a broken hearted stranger
638
00:22:09,617 --> 00:22:11,085
with hours of meaningless sex!
639
00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:12,819
- Oh God, yes.
640
00:22:22,197 --> 00:22:24,164
- So, get to know me.
641
00:22:24,199 --> 00:22:25,665
- Oh shit!
642
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:26,833
Can he see us?
643
00:22:26,868 --> 00:22:28,002
- No.
644
00:22:28,036 --> 00:22:29,736
My camera's not on.
645
00:22:31,973 --> 00:22:33,240
- Oh.
646
00:22:39,780 --> 00:22:41,615
- Likely story.
647
00:22:41,649 --> 00:22:43,350
So, ask away.
648
00:22:46,187 --> 00:22:48,522
Thanks for starting off easy.
649
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,361
I didn't want to put up
650
00:22:54,396 --> 00:22:55,362
with his shit anymore.
651
00:22:56,898 --> 00:22:58,532
You know how you tell yourself
652
00:22:58,566 --> 00:22:59,866
that it's gonna get better?
653
00:22:59,901 --> 00:23:01,035
You know it's not,
654
00:23:01,069 --> 00:23:02,202
but you hang on
655
00:23:02,237 --> 00:23:03,537
to any little good thing
656
00:23:03,571 --> 00:23:04,538
he does
657
00:23:04,572 --> 00:23:05,872
to prove that it might
658
00:23:05,907 --> 00:23:07,041
get better.
659
00:23:09,744 --> 00:23:11,045
Well, I guess
660
00:23:11,079 --> 00:23:12,212
there weren't any.
661
00:23:12,247 --> 00:23:13,547
Then it was just
662
00:23:13,581 --> 00:23:14,881
the really hot sex.
663
00:23:19,587 --> 00:23:21,055
Yeah.
664
00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:26,793
How do you know
665
00:23:26,827 --> 00:23:28,295
what the little good things are?
666
00:23:36,171 --> 00:23:37,871
Okay, try me.
667
00:23:39,907 --> 00:23:42,209
- You're an artist.
668
00:23:42,243 --> 00:23:44,211
I'd take you to a museum.
669
00:23:44,245 --> 00:23:45,712
You look like
670
00:23:45,746 --> 00:23:47,714
a basketball fan.
671
00:23:47,748 --> 00:23:49,716
Lakers tickets.
672
00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:53,720
Massage, good bottle of wine.
673
00:23:53,754 --> 00:23:55,222
And little things
674
00:23:55,256 --> 00:23:57,224
like bringing you
675
00:23:57,258 --> 00:23:58,892
something to drink
676
00:23:58,926 --> 00:24:00,561
without you having to ask.
677
00:24:04,932 --> 00:24:06,400
- Well done, Ms. Cleo.
678
00:24:06,434 --> 00:24:07,734
- What can I do
679
00:24:07,768 --> 00:24:09,470
to get you to come over here
680
00:24:09,504 --> 00:24:10,637
right now.
681
00:24:10,671 --> 00:24:12,139
- Oh, strip.
682
00:24:15,009 --> 00:24:16,143
- Date?
683
00:24:16,177 --> 00:24:17,311
You already know me
684
00:24:17,345 --> 00:24:18,312
inside and out,
685
00:24:18,346 --> 00:24:19,646
I think I'm in love.
686
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:20,814
Wait, I know.
687
00:24:23,851 --> 00:24:26,153
If you don't come over...
688
00:24:26,187 --> 00:24:28,155
- He is not!
689
00:24:28,189 --> 00:24:29,656
- Here's
690
00:24:29,690 --> 00:24:31,625
what you'll be missing.
691
00:24:33,161 --> 00:24:34,628
- Get out of my way!
692
00:24:34,662 --> 00:24:36,396
Holy clit!
693
00:24:36,431 --> 00:24:38,132
- Oh, my God.
694
00:24:38,166 --> 00:24:39,633
- Oh shit.
695
00:24:39,667 --> 00:24:41,135
- I cannot believe...
696
00:24:41,169 --> 00:24:42,636
- You spilled
697
00:24:42,670 --> 00:24:44,971
your Sunny Delight.
698
00:24:45,006 --> 00:24:46,473
How could you?
699
00:24:46,508 --> 00:24:48,475
- You owe me a computer!
700
00:24:48,510 --> 00:24:50,377
And a boyfriend.
701
00:24:52,413 --> 00:24:53,647
- He's a fake.
702
00:24:53,681 --> 00:24:54,899
No one can be that hot
703
00:24:54,933 --> 00:24:55,900
and that nice,
704
00:24:55,934 --> 00:24:57,067
it's against the nature.
705
00:24:57,101 --> 00:24:58,402
- But he has tons
706
00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,403
of profile pictures,
707
00:24:59,437 --> 00:25:00,571
he must be real.
708
00:25:00,605 --> 00:25:01,739
- You still believe
709
00:25:01,773 --> 00:25:02,907
The Hills is real.
710
00:25:02,941 --> 00:25:04,241
- If he was a fake,
711
00:25:04,275 --> 00:25:05,576
he would've watched me jack off.
712
00:25:05,610 --> 00:25:06,911
- I just threw up
713
00:25:06,945 --> 00:25:08,579
a little bit in my pussy.
714
00:25:15,286 --> 00:25:16,587
- Maybe it's not
715
00:25:16,621 --> 00:25:18,923
a good idea for us to hang out?
716
00:25:18,957 --> 00:25:20,257
I don't believe you.
717
00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:21,592
- Zack's single now,
718
00:25:21,626 --> 00:25:22,927
so the reason we invented Ryan
719
00:25:22,961 --> 00:25:23,928
doesn't matter anymore.
720
00:25:23,962 --> 00:25:25,262
I mean, why keep up
721
00:25:25,296 --> 00:25:26,263
the charade?
722
00:25:26,297 --> 00:25:27,765
- Why email him at all?
723
00:25:27,799 --> 00:25:28,766
Just disappear.
724
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:29,767
You're still
725
00:25:29,801 --> 00:25:30,935
pretending to be Ryan,
726
00:25:30,969 --> 00:25:32,269
even if it is just
727
00:25:32,303 --> 00:25:33,270
to dump him.
728
00:25:33,304 --> 00:25:34,605
- I'm just being polite.
729
00:25:34,639 --> 00:25:35,940
- You're just keeping him
730
00:25:35,974 --> 00:25:37,441
and his pretty dick hanging on,
731
00:25:37,475 --> 00:25:38,776
so you still have access
732
00:25:38,810 --> 00:25:39,944
to him
733
00:25:39,978 --> 00:25:41,278
in case he doesn't go
734
00:25:41,312 --> 00:25:42,446
for exhibit A.
735
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,614
- You're right.
736
00:25:43,648 --> 00:25:45,115
If he normally gets prime rib
737
00:25:45,149 --> 00:25:46,283
like Ryan,
738
00:25:46,317 --> 00:25:47,952
why would he settle for...
739
00:25:49,821 --> 00:25:51,455
- Turkey burger?
740
00:25:57,328 --> 00:25:58,629
- I blew it, Mr. Fake
741
00:25:58,663 --> 00:25:59,797
doesn't wanna meet me.
742
00:25:59,831 --> 00:26:01,131
- Because he's not real.
743
00:26:01,165 --> 00:26:02,466
- I came on too strong.
744
00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:03,801
- Gay men hate guys
745
00:26:03,835 --> 00:26:04,802
who do that.
746
00:26:04,836 --> 00:26:05,970
- He was trying
747
00:26:06,004 --> 00:26:07,304
to get to know me
748
00:26:07,338 --> 00:26:08,639
but I went from zero
749
00:26:08,673 --> 00:26:09,640
to sixty-nine.
750
00:26:09,674 --> 00:26:10,975
- There are millions of men
751
00:26:11,009 --> 00:26:12,142
who can fuck first
752
00:26:12,176 --> 00:26:13,477
and then fall in love.
753
00:26:13,511 --> 00:26:14,979
- But I don't want other men,
754
00:26:15,013 --> 00:26:15,980
I want him.
755
00:26:16,014 --> 00:26:17,314
- My mom warned me
756
00:26:17,348 --> 00:26:19,316
I was turning into a fag hag.
757
00:26:19,350 --> 00:26:20,818
- You're not a fag hag.
758
00:26:20,852 --> 00:26:22,486
- I'm gonna be a fat spinster
759
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:23,654
whose only sexual outlet
760
00:26:23,688 --> 00:26:24,989
is sucking off drunken homos.
761
00:26:25,023 --> 00:26:26,490
- You'd suck me off
762
00:26:26,524 --> 00:26:28,325
if I were drunk, right?
763
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:29,994
- My fag hag days
764
00:26:30,028 --> 00:26:31,328
are over.
765
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:36,667
- Now separate
766
00:26:36,701 --> 00:26:37,668
the finger nails
767
00:26:37,702 --> 00:26:38,836
from the toe nails.
768
00:26:38,870 --> 00:26:39,837
- Ew, what?
769
00:26:39,871 --> 00:26:40,838
- Busy work.
770
00:26:40,872 --> 00:26:41,839
You still have
771
00:26:41,873 --> 00:26:42,840
fifteen minutes left.
772
00:26:42,874 --> 00:26:44,174
- I must get ready
773
00:26:44,208 --> 00:26:45,175
for my date.
774
00:26:45,209 --> 00:26:46,510
- It's not a date,
775
00:26:46,544 --> 00:26:47,511
queef-cake.
776
00:26:47,545 --> 00:26:48,679
- It's a date,
777
00:26:48,713 --> 00:26:50,014
he just doesn't know it yet.
778
00:26:50,048 --> 00:26:51,515
- My, my, look who went
779
00:26:51,549 --> 00:26:52,850
and downloaded some balls.
780
00:26:52,884 --> 00:26:54,184
- He might've seen
781
00:26:54,218 --> 00:26:55,853
Ryan's picture online
782
00:26:55,887 --> 00:26:57,187
last night,
783
00:26:57,221 --> 00:26:58,689
but he was talking to me.
784
00:26:58,723 --> 00:27:00,190
We have a connection.
785
00:27:00,224 --> 00:27:01,692
At least we will
786
00:27:01,726 --> 00:27:03,527
by the end of the night.
787
00:27:09,567 --> 00:27:10,868
- Fuck, I've got
788
00:27:10,902 --> 00:27:12,036
to see this.
789
00:27:27,902 --> 00:27:29,035
- Sorry I'm late.
790
00:27:29,070 --> 00:27:30,203
- Oh, no problem,
791
00:27:30,238 --> 00:27:31,872
I had nothing else to do.
792
00:27:31,906 --> 00:27:33,039
Wait, that sounds bad.
793
00:27:33,074 --> 00:27:34,374
- No it doesn't,
794
00:27:34,408 --> 00:27:35,876
you just moved here.
795
00:27:35,910 --> 00:27:38,879
- I...I drafted up
796
00:27:38,913 --> 00:27:40,380
some ideas
797
00:27:40,414 --> 00:27:42,115
for the male sale flyers.
798
00:27:44,152 --> 00:27:46,119
I Google-imaged you.
799
00:27:46,154 --> 00:27:47,620
- Whoa, these are great.
800
00:27:47,655 --> 00:27:48,789
Thanks for giving me
801
00:27:48,823 --> 00:27:49,790
extra abs.
802
00:27:49,824 --> 00:27:50,957
- Those are yours
803
00:27:50,992 --> 00:27:52,125
and you know it.
804
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,459
- Thanks for the ego boost,
805
00:27:53,494 --> 00:27:54,795
I could really use one
806
00:27:54,829 --> 00:27:55,962
right about now.
807
00:27:55,997 --> 00:27:57,297
- I'm sorry
808
00:27:57,331 --> 00:27:58,631
about your breakup.
809
00:27:58,666 --> 00:27:59,966
- How did you know?
810
00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:01,134
- Oh! I...
811
00:28:01,169 --> 00:28:02,135
- Lionel?
812
00:28:02,170 --> 00:28:03,469
He's a big fucking mouth.
813
00:28:03,504 --> 00:28:04,871
- That's one of the reasons
814
00:28:04,906 --> 00:28:06,372
I don't like the gay community.
815
00:28:06,407 --> 00:28:07,874
- I think the gay community
816
00:28:07,909 --> 00:28:09,042
is more diverse
817
00:28:09,076 --> 00:28:10,376
than you give it credit for.
818
00:28:10,411 --> 00:28:11,711
- Well, I think he's crazy
819
00:28:11,745 --> 00:28:13,046
for breaking up with you.
820
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:14,547
- I broke up with him.
821
00:28:14,581 --> 00:28:15,715
- Sorry.
822
00:28:15,749 --> 00:28:17,050
- No big deal.
823
00:28:17,084 --> 00:28:18,551
He's not what's bothering me.
824
00:28:18,585 --> 00:28:19,886
I met this guy online
825
00:28:19,921 --> 00:28:21,721
last night, Ryan, oh, my God.
826
00:28:21,755 --> 00:28:23,056
You have never seen
827
00:28:23,090 --> 00:28:24,390
anything like him,
828
00:28:24,425 --> 00:28:26,059
and he was so totally into me
829
00:28:26,093 --> 00:28:27,393
until I blew it.
830
00:28:27,428 --> 00:28:28,895
- You think you blew it?
831
00:28:28,930 --> 00:28:30,230
- Yeah, I got too sexual.
832
00:28:30,264 --> 00:28:31,231
A fatal flaw.
833
00:28:31,265 --> 00:28:32,565
- Well, if he was just
834
00:28:32,599 --> 00:28:33,900
a hot body, those are...
835
00:28:33,935 --> 00:28:35,235
- It was more than that.
836
00:28:35,269 --> 00:28:36,903
This guy connected with me.
837
00:28:36,938 --> 00:28:38,404
He was smart and funny
838
00:28:38,439 --> 00:28:39,906
and he knew me.
839
00:28:39,941 --> 00:28:41,241
- He sounds too good
840
00:28:41,275 --> 00:28:42,575
to be true.
841
00:28:42,609 --> 00:28:43,743
- Yeah, he probably
842
00:28:43,777 --> 00:28:45,078
is fake.
843
00:28:45,112 --> 00:28:46,246
I can't believe
844
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,580
I'm telling you all this.
845
00:28:47,614 --> 00:28:49,082
I normally don't talk to guys
846
00:28:49,116 --> 00:28:50,250
about my social life.
847
00:28:50,284 --> 00:28:51,251
- You seem
848
00:28:51,285 --> 00:28:52,252
pretty comfortable.
849
00:28:52,286 --> 00:28:53,586
- You make me feel
850
00:28:53,620 --> 00:28:55,088
comfortable, Casey.
851
00:28:55,122 --> 00:28:56,589
- Hey, maybe sometime
852
00:28:56,623 --> 00:28:58,091
you and I could...
853
00:28:59,126 --> 00:29:00,760
- Oh my God, that's him.
854
00:29:03,797 --> 00:29:04,931
How do I look?
855
00:29:04,966 --> 00:29:05,932
- Huh?
856
00:29:05,967 --> 00:29:07,100
- How do I look?
857
00:29:07,134 --> 00:29:08,101
- Uh...gorgeous.
858
00:29:08,135 --> 00:29:09,102
Are you sure...
859
00:29:09,136 --> 00:29:10,270
- Wish me luck.
860
00:29:12,639 --> 00:29:14,107
- Good fucking luck.
861
00:29:15,709 --> 00:29:17,677
- Hey, Ryan1989.
862
00:29:17,711 --> 00:29:19,679
- Hey...you.
863
00:29:19,713 --> 00:29:21,181
- I was beginning to think
864
00:29:21,215 --> 00:29:22,349
you were imaginary like
865
00:29:22,383 --> 00:29:24,084
a smurf or something.
866
00:29:24,118 --> 00:29:26,586
- Nope, I'm all real.
867
00:29:26,620 --> 00:29:28,588
- You can say that again.
868
00:29:28,622 --> 00:29:29,756
- Mind if I don't?
869
00:29:49,143 --> 00:29:50,277
- We're both here,
870
00:29:50,311 --> 00:29:51,611
you wanna give this a shot
871
00:29:51,645 --> 00:29:52,946
and go out some night?
872
00:29:52,980 --> 00:29:54,114
- Uuh...
873
00:29:55,983 --> 00:29:58,285
- Ryan, look who's back.
874
00:29:58,319 --> 00:30:00,287
Don't they have stripper poles
875
00:30:00,321 --> 00:30:01,621
in Tucson?
876
00:30:01,655 --> 00:30:03,123
- Tiffany, did you get
877
00:30:03,157 --> 00:30:04,624
a boob job?
878
00:30:04,658 --> 00:30:06,126
- No, I'm still saving up.
879
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:07,627
- What's going on?
880
00:30:07,661 --> 00:30:09,129
- Casey, this is Ryan
881
00:30:09,163 --> 00:30:10,463
from the Internet.
882
00:30:10,497 --> 00:30:11,798
You look so much better
883
00:30:11,832 --> 00:30:13,533
than your pictures, doesn't he?
884
00:30:13,567 --> 00:30:16,536
- Now, how would Casey
885
00:30:16,570 --> 00:30:18,538
have seen Ryan's cute
886
00:30:18,572 --> 00:30:20,873
little disco boy picture.
887
00:30:20,908 --> 00:30:22,875
- Yeah, you mean
888
00:30:22,910 --> 00:30:24,377
my picture with the headband
889
00:30:24,412 --> 00:30:25,878
and yellow gym shorts.
890
00:30:25,913 --> 00:30:27,380
- Yellow mesh gym shorts.
891
00:30:27,415 --> 00:30:28,714
Rarrr.
892
00:30:28,749 --> 00:30:30,216
And then there's that one
893
00:30:30,251 --> 00:30:31,717
where you're on the beach
894
00:30:31,752 --> 00:30:33,053
with some blond chick
895
00:30:33,087 --> 00:30:34,220
and your bulge.
896
00:30:34,255 --> 00:30:36,889
- Yeah, Ryan loves
897
00:30:36,924 --> 00:30:38,224
nailing blonds.
898
00:30:38,259 --> 00:30:39,725
- Yeah, but I love
899
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,394
nailing brunettes, too.
900
00:30:41,429 --> 00:30:42,728
- Brunette women,
901
00:30:42,763 --> 00:30:43,896
Ryan's straight,
902
00:30:43,931 --> 00:30:45,065
we used to fuck.
903
00:30:45,099 --> 00:30:46,232
I took that picture.
904
00:30:46,267 --> 00:30:47,400
- He wasn't straight
905
00:30:47,435 --> 00:30:48,568
last night.
906
00:30:48,602 --> 00:30:49,735
- Yeah, after
907
00:30:49,770 --> 00:30:50,903
fucking Tiffani
908
00:30:50,938 --> 00:30:52,405
I just gave up on women.
909
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,407
It happens to you a lot, huh?
910
00:30:54,442 --> 00:30:55,741
- Oh, you little cum monkey.
911
00:30:55,776 --> 00:30:57,243
- So, let's give this
912
00:30:57,278 --> 00:30:58,744
a shot.
913
00:30:58,779 --> 00:31:01,081
When do you want to hang out?
914
00:31:03,784 --> 00:31:05,085
- Ugh, this sucks.
915
00:31:05,119 --> 00:31:06,419
I just set up
916
00:31:06,454 --> 00:31:07,753
the hottest couple
917
00:31:07,788 --> 00:31:09,089
in the universe.
918
00:31:09,123 --> 00:31:10,423
When their hot muscled bodies
919
00:31:10,458 --> 00:31:11,591
come together,
920
00:31:11,625 --> 00:31:12,925
they'll probably form
921
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,260
like Voltron or something.
922
00:31:14,295 --> 00:31:15,261
- He's lying.
923
00:31:15,296 --> 00:31:16,262
If Ryan's gay,
924
00:31:16,297 --> 00:31:17,597
I'll eat my own twat.
925
00:31:17,631 --> 00:31:19,099
- What kind of straight guy
926
00:31:19,133 --> 00:31:20,266
goes on a date
927
00:31:20,301 --> 00:31:21,267
with another man?
928
00:31:21,302 --> 00:31:22,602
- He was a stripper
929
00:31:22,636 --> 00:31:23,769
at a gay bar.
930
00:31:23,804 --> 00:31:25,105
He would clean a toilet
931
00:31:25,139 --> 00:31:26,606
with his dick for a dollar.
932
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:27,607
He's just trying
933
00:31:27,641 --> 00:31:28,941
to get back at me.
934
00:31:28,976 --> 00:31:29,942
- Oh...
935
00:31:29,977 --> 00:31:31,277
Zack wanna talk to me
936
00:31:31,312 --> 00:31:32,612
about what they should do
937
00:31:32,646 --> 00:31:33,946
on their Barbie dream date
938
00:31:33,981 --> 00:31:35,281
because I make him feel
939
00:31:35,316 --> 00:31:36,916
comfortable.
940
00:31:36,950 --> 00:31:38,584
- No smiley.
941
00:31:38,619 --> 00:31:40,086
This is serious.
942
00:31:40,121 --> 00:31:42,088
My God, you're like
943
00:31:42,123 --> 00:31:45,758
his fag hag now.
944
00:31:45,792 --> 00:31:47,960
- I hate my life.
945
00:32:04,195 --> 00:32:05,329
- Casey, great,
946
00:32:05,363 --> 00:32:07,297
you can do my back.
947
00:32:07,332 --> 00:32:09,466
Oh my God, are you ok?
948
00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:11,301
- Yeah, it's just
949
00:32:11,336 --> 00:32:13,303
a little ouchy, that's all.
950
00:32:13,338 --> 00:32:14,638
- Ouchy?
951
00:32:14,672 --> 00:32:16,306
- Never mind, it's fine.
952
00:32:16,341 --> 00:32:18,642
- Good. Squirt me.
953
00:32:18,676 --> 00:32:20,977
- Okay.
954
00:32:22,347 --> 00:32:23,647
- God, I'm as nervous
955
00:32:23,681 --> 00:32:24,648
as Isaiah Washington's
956
00:32:24,682 --> 00:32:25,649
hairdresser.
957
00:32:25,683 --> 00:32:26,817
- About the date?
958
00:32:26,851 --> 00:32:28,151
- Yes, about the date.
959
00:32:28,185 --> 00:32:29,653
He was so hot and cold
960
00:32:29,687 --> 00:32:30,654
at the café.
961
00:32:30,688 --> 00:32:31,822
Isn't he cute?
962
00:32:31,856 --> 00:32:33,156
- I'm not really
963
00:32:33,190 --> 00:32:35,158
into guys that...hot.
964
00:32:35,192 --> 00:32:36,493
- Really?
965
00:32:36,527 --> 00:32:37,828
Okay, your turn.
966
00:32:37,862 --> 00:32:39,162
- Oh, I'm not
967
00:32:39,196 --> 00:32:40,897
a taking off my shirt in public
968
00:32:40,931 --> 00:32:41,898
kind of guy.
969
00:32:41,932 --> 00:32:43,400
- Don't tell me you have
970
00:32:43,434 --> 00:32:44,401
body issues.
971
00:32:44,435 --> 00:32:45,902
Take it off or I will.
972
00:32:45,936 --> 00:32:47,070
- Okay, okay.
973
00:32:47,104 --> 00:32:48,572
You know, when we, mere mortals,
974
00:32:48,606 --> 00:32:49,906
are around gods like you,
975
00:32:49,940 --> 00:32:51,074
how can we not...
976
00:32:51,108 --> 00:32:52,242
- Please, you've got
977
00:32:52,276 --> 00:32:53,410
a great body.
978
00:32:53,444 --> 00:32:54,745
And, besides, some guys
979
00:32:54,779 --> 00:32:56,413
like 'em not all exercised.
980
00:32:56,447 --> 00:32:57,748
Here.
981
00:32:57,782 --> 00:32:59,082
So what should I do
982
00:32:59,116 --> 00:33:00,083
on my date?
983
00:33:00,117 --> 00:33:01,418
- You mean besides sex?
984
00:33:01,452 --> 00:33:03,253
- I don't want it to be
985
00:33:03,287 --> 00:33:04,254
about sex.
986
00:33:04,288 --> 00:33:05,422
When we chatted online
987
00:33:05,456 --> 00:33:06,757
he had all these ideas
988
00:33:06,791 --> 00:33:08,091
for great things to do
989
00:33:08,125 --> 00:33:09,426
and I wanna come up
990
00:33:09,460 --> 00:33:10,761
with some great idea, too.
991
00:33:10,795 --> 00:33:12,262
- Ok, well what's your dream
992
00:33:12,296 --> 00:33:13,263
first date?
993
00:33:13,297 --> 00:33:14,765
- Wow, I guess I never
994
00:33:14,799 --> 00:33:15,932
really thought about it.
995
00:33:15,966 --> 00:33:17,100
- You've never fantasized
996
00:33:17,134 --> 00:33:18,435
about the perfect first date?
997
00:33:18,469 --> 00:33:19,770
- I was too busy
998
00:33:19,804 --> 00:33:20,937
going on real dates.
999
00:33:20,971 --> 00:33:22,105
- Asshole.
1000
00:33:22,139 --> 00:33:23,273
- Well, clearly
1001
00:33:23,307 --> 00:33:24,775
someone's thought about it.
1002
00:33:24,809 --> 00:33:26,109
Tell me yours, Romeo.
1003
00:33:26,143 --> 00:33:27,110
- Okay.
1004
00:33:27,144 --> 00:33:28,445
We're in Italy, well, Rome.
1005
00:33:28,479 --> 00:33:29,613
- Oh, my God,
1006
00:33:29,647 --> 00:33:30,614
are you serious?
1007
00:33:30,648 --> 00:33:31,782
I'm obsessed with Italy.
1008
00:33:31,816 --> 00:33:32,783
- You are?
1009
00:33:32,817 --> 00:33:34,117
- Yeah, I've been wanting
1010
00:33:34,151 --> 00:33:35,285
to go to Italy
1011
00:33:35,319 --> 00:33:36,620
since I was like three.
1012
00:33:36,654 --> 00:33:37,788
I'm going after graduation
1013
00:33:37,822 --> 00:33:39,289
if I can save enough cash.
1014
00:33:39,323 --> 00:33:40,624
I've got like $3,200 saved
1015
00:33:40,658 --> 00:33:41,792
so far.
1016
00:33:41,826 --> 00:33:43,293
- I can't wait to go.
1017
00:33:43,327 --> 00:33:44,294
Someday.
1018
00:33:44,328 --> 00:33:45,629
- Well, I can't exactly
1019
00:33:45,663 --> 00:33:46,963
take Ryan to Italy tonight.
1020
00:33:46,997 --> 00:33:48,632
So, do you got any dream dates
1021
00:33:48,666 --> 00:33:49,966
that are a little more
1022
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,301
practical?
1023
00:33:51,335 --> 00:33:53,303
- Okay, well my dream date,
1024
00:33:53,337 --> 00:33:54,971
it's intimate.
1025
00:33:55,005 --> 00:33:56,973
Like I make him dinner
1026
00:33:57,007 --> 00:33:58,308
so it's personal.
1027
00:33:58,342 --> 00:33:59,643
- Yeah, something
1028
00:33:59,677 --> 00:34:00,811
at your place,
1029
00:34:00,845 --> 00:34:02,145
just the two of you,
1030
00:34:02,179 --> 00:34:03,313
no distractions.
1031
00:34:03,347 --> 00:34:04,815
- Yeah, and maybe I'd have
1032
00:34:04,849 --> 00:34:06,316
a fun theme for the meal.
1033
00:34:06,350 --> 00:34:07,484
- Italian.
1034
00:34:07,518 --> 00:34:08,652
- Perfetto.
1035
00:34:08,686 --> 00:34:10,153
- Pasta, pinot grigio,
1036
00:34:10,187 --> 00:34:11,655
some funky Italian music.
1037
00:34:11,689 --> 00:34:13,156
- That's all I'd need
1038
00:34:13,190 --> 00:34:15,158
because the best first dates
1039
00:34:15,192 --> 00:34:16,660
are the ones
1040
00:34:16,694 --> 00:34:18,161
where the conversation's
1041
00:34:18,195 --> 00:34:19,830
just really easy.
1042
00:34:19,864 --> 00:34:21,331
- And it flows cause
1043
00:34:21,365 --> 00:34:22,499
you're both listening
1044
00:34:22,533 --> 00:34:23,667
to each other
1045
00:34:23,701 --> 00:34:24,835
like you're focused.
1046
00:34:24,869 --> 00:34:26,169
- And there are
1047
00:34:26,203 --> 00:34:27,337
those moments
1048
00:34:27,371 --> 00:34:28,672
when you're looking
1049
00:34:28,706 --> 00:34:31,007
into each other's eyes,
1050
00:34:31,041 --> 00:34:32,843
wondering if maybe he's thinking
1051
00:34:32,877 --> 00:34:34,177
the same thing.
1052
00:34:34,211 --> 00:34:35,679
- That sometime tonight
1053
00:34:35,713 --> 00:34:37,013
we're gonna...
1054
00:34:37,047 --> 00:34:38,849
- Kiss.
1055
00:34:55,232 --> 00:34:56,533
- Exactly.
1056
00:34:56,567 --> 00:34:57,701
Kiss.
1057
00:34:57,735 --> 00:34:59,035
Oh my God!
1058
00:34:59,069 --> 00:35:00,203
- What?
1059
00:35:00,237 --> 00:35:01,538
- You totally inspired me,
1060
00:35:01,572 --> 00:35:02,873
I have the perfect date.
1061
00:35:02,907 --> 00:35:03,874
Scoot.
1062
00:35:03,908 --> 00:35:05,208
He's not gonna know
1063
00:35:05,242 --> 00:35:06,376
what hit him.
1064
00:35:06,410 --> 00:35:07,711
I can't thank you enough.
1065
00:35:10,247 --> 00:35:11,715
- Well, text me
1066
00:35:11,749 --> 00:35:13,216
if you need help!
1067
00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:14,718
Text me if you need help.
1068
00:35:34,104 --> 00:35:35,238
- If you're trying
1069
00:35:35,272 --> 00:35:36,740
to stop me, it won't work.
1070
00:35:36,774 --> 00:35:37,908
- If you think
1071
00:35:37,942 --> 00:35:39,409
going on a fake gay date
1072
00:35:39,443 --> 00:35:40,577
will make me jealous,
1073
00:35:40,611 --> 00:35:41,578
you're dumber
1074
00:35:41,612 --> 00:35:42,913
than a flock of Palins.
1075
00:35:42,947 --> 00:35:44,247
- I don't want that,
1076
00:35:44,281 --> 00:35:45,749
I just wanna piss you off.
1077
00:35:45,783 --> 00:35:46,917
- You cheated too!
1078
00:35:46,951 --> 00:35:48,251
- It's not about that,
1079
00:35:48,285 --> 00:35:49,586
it's about you putting pubes
1080
00:35:49,620 --> 00:35:50,754
in my protein powder
1081
00:35:50,788 --> 00:35:51,755
the next day.
1082
00:35:51,789 --> 00:35:53,089
- They weren't even mine.
1083
00:35:53,123 --> 00:35:54,257
- And poking holes
1084
00:35:54,291 --> 00:35:55,425
in my contact lenses,
1085
00:35:55,459 --> 00:35:57,427
Putting crabs in my drawer.
1086
00:35:57,461 --> 00:35:58,929
And using my toothbrush
1087
00:35:58,963 --> 00:36:00,096
to clean the...
1088
00:36:00,130 --> 00:36:02,231
- Ok, I'm a jealous woman.
1089
00:36:02,266 --> 00:36:04,233
But at least I feel something.
1090
00:36:04,268 --> 00:36:06,235
You're an emotionless stripper
1091
00:36:06,270 --> 00:36:07,571
who uses his body
1092
00:36:07,605 --> 00:36:08,738
as a bargaining chip.
1093
00:36:08,773 --> 00:36:09,906
And that's not gonna
1094
00:36:09,941 --> 00:36:11,074
get you anything
1095
00:36:11,108 --> 00:36:12,341
but a dirty dollar bill
1096
00:36:12,376 --> 00:36:13,843
shoved up your ass.
1097
00:36:13,878 --> 00:36:15,845
- You're fat.
1098
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,180
Have a good night.
1099
00:36:17,214 --> 00:36:19,182
I know I will.
1100
00:36:34,065 --> 00:36:35,699
- Ryan, right on time.
1101
00:36:35,733 --> 00:36:37,533
- Hey, look,
1102
00:36:37,568 --> 00:36:38,802
I gotta talk to you
1103
00:36:38,836 --> 00:36:39,970
about this Internet thing.
1104
00:36:40,004 --> 00:36:41,237
- I know, me too,
1105
00:36:41,271 --> 00:36:43,907
come on in.
1106
00:36:43,941 --> 00:36:45,174
I saw on your profile
1107
00:36:45,209 --> 00:36:46,342
that Roman Holiday
1108
00:36:46,376 --> 00:36:47,510
is your favorite movie.
1109
00:36:47,544 --> 00:36:48,678
It's also mine.
1110
00:36:48,713 --> 00:36:49,846
So I've got
1111
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,347
a special little tour for you,
1112
00:36:51,381 --> 00:36:52,515
come on.
1113
00:36:52,549 --> 00:36:53,683
As you know,
1114
00:36:53,718 --> 00:36:54,851
when Audrey Hepburn
1115
00:36:54,885 --> 00:36:56,119
sneaks out of the consulate,
1116
00:36:56,153 --> 00:36:57,286
Gregory Peck shows her
1117
00:36:57,321 --> 00:36:58,454
the sights of Rome.
1118
00:36:58,489 --> 00:36:59,623
So here we have
1119
00:36:59,657 --> 00:37:00,790
the Sistine Chapel,
1120
00:37:00,825 --> 00:37:02,792
painted by Michelangelo.
1121
00:37:02,827 --> 00:37:05,629
Italian wine.
1122
00:37:09,166 --> 00:37:11,801
Next we have an exact replica
1123
00:37:11,836 --> 00:37:14,470
of the Trevi Fountain.
1124
00:37:18,009 --> 00:37:20,309
- That's pretty cool.
1125
00:37:20,344 --> 00:37:21,811
- And our last stop
1126
00:37:21,846 --> 00:37:23,980
is the mouth of truth,
1127
00:37:24,015 --> 00:37:25,148
you know,
1128
00:37:25,182 --> 00:37:26,315
the most famous scene
1129
00:37:26,350 --> 00:37:27,483
in the movie.
1130
00:37:27,518 --> 00:37:28,652
- Yeah.
1131
00:37:28,686 --> 00:37:29,919
- So put your hand
1132
00:37:29,954 --> 00:37:31,087
in its mouth
1133
00:37:31,122 --> 00:37:32,588
and if you're lying to me
1134
00:37:32,623 --> 00:37:34,323
it'll get bitten off.
1135
00:37:34,358 --> 00:37:35,825
And don't tell my landlord
1136
00:37:35,860 --> 00:37:38,828
about the hole.
1137
00:37:42,533 --> 00:37:43,667
- Rarrr!
1138
00:37:43,701 --> 00:37:44,934
- You scared the shit
1139
00:37:44,969 --> 00:37:46,102
out of me!
1140
00:37:46,137 --> 00:37:47,370
- Your hand's still here.
1141
00:37:47,404 --> 00:37:50,707
I knew you wouldn't lie to me.
1142
00:37:50,741 --> 00:37:52,542
- You're an amazing guy
1143
00:37:52,576 --> 00:37:54,878
and I don't deserve you.
1144
00:37:54,912 --> 00:37:56,880
I gotta go.
1145
00:38:00,584 --> 00:38:03,219
- Text me, text me,
1146
00:38:03,253 --> 00:38:05,055
text me, text me.
1147
00:38:09,259 --> 00:38:12,228
I love you, Zack!
1148
00:38:16,266 --> 00:38:18,001
- It's nice to have a friend
1149
00:38:18,035 --> 00:38:19,169
who will listen
1150
00:38:19,203 --> 00:38:20,336
to my romantic problems.
1151
00:38:20,370 --> 00:38:22,105
- I told you to text me
1152
00:38:22,139 --> 00:38:23,873
if you needed help and you did.
1153
00:38:23,908 --> 00:38:25,141
And I'm here to help.
1154
00:38:25,176 --> 00:38:26,409
- Can you help me
1155
00:38:26,443 --> 00:38:28,411
find a boyfriend?
1156
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:31,414
- Oh my God,
1157
00:38:31,448 --> 00:38:34,584
is that the mouth of truth?
1158
00:38:34,618 --> 00:38:36,086
- Yeah, his profile said
1159
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:37,253
his favorite movie
1160
00:38:37,287 --> 00:38:38,588
was Roman Holiday, so.
1161
00:38:38,622 --> 00:38:40,090
- You did that for him?
1162
00:38:40,124 --> 00:38:41,591
- It's stupid.
1163
00:38:41,625 --> 00:38:42,759
- It's the most
1164
00:38:42,793 --> 00:38:44,094
romantic thing
1165
00:38:44,128 --> 00:38:48,264
I've ever seen.
1166
00:38:48,298 --> 00:38:51,434
See, I'm telling the truth.
1167
00:38:51,468 --> 00:38:52,702
- Yeah, I actually had
1168
00:38:52,737 --> 00:38:54,704
this whole Roman Holiday tour.
1169
00:38:54,739 --> 00:38:56,873
There's the Colossum,
1170
00:38:56,907 --> 00:38:59,209
I ate half of it.
1171
00:38:59,243 --> 00:39:01,211
- Zack, there's something
1172
00:39:01,245 --> 00:39:03,880
I should tell you.
1173
00:39:03,914 --> 00:39:05,381
I haven't been honest with you.
1174
00:39:05,415 --> 00:39:06,716
I...
1175
00:39:08,753 --> 00:39:10,453
- Great, who's that?
1176
00:39:11,655 --> 00:39:12,789
Oh my God, Ryan?
1177
00:39:12,823 --> 00:39:14,057
- Hey man, there's something
1178
00:39:14,091 --> 00:39:16,059
I gotta tell you.
1179
00:39:16,093 --> 00:39:18,728
Oh, did you tell him?
1180
00:39:18,763 --> 00:39:20,063
- Tell me what?
1181
00:39:20,097 --> 00:39:21,564
- I was just about to.
1182
00:39:21,598 --> 00:39:22,832
- Of course you were.
1183
00:39:22,867 --> 00:39:24,000
That wasn't me
1184
00:39:24,034 --> 00:39:25,268
you were talking to online.
1185
00:39:25,302 --> 00:39:26,435
Him and Tiffani
1186
00:39:26,470 --> 00:39:27,603
made a fake profile
1187
00:39:27,638 --> 00:39:28,604
and used my picture.
1188
00:39:28,639 --> 00:39:29,773
- What?
1189
00:39:29,807 --> 00:39:30,940
- I don't even
1190
00:39:30,975 --> 00:39:32,108
have a profile.
1191
00:39:32,143 --> 00:39:33,276
I'm not even gay.
1192
00:39:33,310 --> 00:39:34,277
- Zack,
1193
00:39:34,311 --> 00:39:35,779
it's not what it sounds like.
1194
00:39:35,813 --> 00:39:37,546
- Did you pretend to be him?
1195
00:39:37,581 --> 00:39:39,048
- Yes, but it was only
1196
00:39:39,083 --> 00:39:40,049
because I didn't want
1197
00:39:40,084 --> 00:39:41,317
to look like a stalker,
1198
00:39:41,351 --> 00:39:43,086
which I know I totally like now.
1199
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:44,087
- My first
1200
00:39:44,121 --> 00:39:45,088
genuine conversation in years
1201
00:39:45,122 --> 00:39:46,355
was with a total fake.
1202
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:47,356
And why?
1203
00:39:47,391 --> 00:39:48,624
So you can fuck me?
1204
00:39:48,659 --> 00:39:49,893
- No, I mean yes,
1205
00:39:49,927 --> 00:39:51,161
I mean more than that.
1206
00:39:51,195 --> 00:39:52,662
The things I said were true.
1207
00:39:52,696 --> 00:39:54,164
- Dude, if you liked him,
1208
00:39:54,198 --> 00:39:55,665
why didn't you just tell him.
1209
00:39:55,699 --> 00:39:57,433
- And you let me take you
1210
00:39:57,467 --> 00:39:58,701
on that whole fucking tour
1211
00:39:58,735 --> 00:39:59,969
like some kind of idiot.
1212
00:40:00,004 --> 00:40:01,137
Get the fuck out!
1213
00:40:01,172 --> 00:40:02,305
Both of you.
1214
00:40:02,339 --> 00:40:04,040
- Zack, I'm sorry.
1215
00:40:04,074 --> 00:40:05,208
Is that...
1216
00:40:05,242 --> 00:40:07,376
- Get out!
1217
00:40:11,749 --> 00:40:13,215
- I was in the middle
1218
00:40:13,250 --> 00:40:14,484
of telling him, you know.
1219
00:40:14,518 --> 00:40:15,652
- Sorry man,
1220
00:40:15,686 --> 00:40:16,919
it was a crappy thing
1221
00:40:16,953 --> 00:40:17,920
you guys did.
1222
00:40:17,954 --> 00:40:18,921
- I just wanted
1223
00:40:18,955 --> 00:40:19,922
to get his attention.
1224
00:40:19,956 --> 00:40:21,190
- You coulda got it
1225
00:40:21,224 --> 00:40:22,191
without getting
1226
00:40:22,225 --> 00:40:23,192
all stalker-azzi on him.
1227
00:40:23,226 --> 00:40:24,460
- With guys like you
1228
00:40:24,495 --> 00:40:25,461
walking around?
1229
00:40:25,496 --> 00:40:26,962
- Even if I was gay,
1230
00:40:26,997 --> 00:40:28,230
it wouldn't have worked out.
1231
00:40:28,265 --> 00:40:29,231
He was less
1232
00:40:29,266 --> 00:40:30,500
into what I looked like
1233
00:40:30,534 --> 00:40:32,001
and more into what you said.
1234
00:40:32,035 --> 00:40:33,002
Anyway, sorry.
1235
00:40:33,036 --> 00:40:35,338
- No, it's my own damn fault.
1236
00:40:38,709 --> 00:40:39,842
- This is Tandy,
1237
00:40:39,876 --> 00:40:41,010
impress me.
1238
00:40:41,044 --> 00:40:42,178
And if you're
1239
00:40:42,212 --> 00:40:43,446
one of my gay friends
1240
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:44,947
and just had a bad date,
1241
00:40:44,981 --> 00:40:46,215
I'm not calling you back
1242
00:40:46,249 --> 00:40:47,383
for three days.
1243
00:40:47,418 --> 00:40:49,952
Because I'm not a fag hag!
1244
00:40:59,162 --> 00:41:00,797
- Casey, right?
1245
00:41:00,831 --> 00:41:02,131
- Yeah.
1246
00:41:02,165 --> 00:41:03,466
- I'm Harry.
1247
00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:04,801
That's my name,
1248
00:41:04,835 --> 00:41:07,804
not that I am hairy.
1249
00:41:08,839 --> 00:41:10,139
Honey, what's wrong?
1250
00:41:10,173 --> 00:41:11,307
You look like Liberace
1251
00:41:11,342 --> 00:41:13,309
after they put the seat back
1252
00:41:13,344 --> 00:41:15,311
on his piano stool.
1253
00:41:16,347 --> 00:41:17,480
Wrong generation.
1254
00:41:17,514 --> 00:41:19,482
Never mind.
1255
00:41:19,516 --> 00:41:20,983
You look like you could use
1256
00:41:21,017 --> 00:41:22,151
some company tonight.
1257
00:41:22,185 --> 00:41:23,486
- Oh, I'm not interested.
1258
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,656
- On, no, darling.
1259
00:41:26,690 --> 00:41:27,990
You're adorable
1260
00:41:28,024 --> 00:41:29,826
but you're far too young for me.
1261
00:41:29,860 --> 00:41:31,093
Us in bed would be
1262
00:41:31,127 --> 00:41:32,261
like teaching calculus
1263
00:41:32,295 --> 00:41:34,096
to a preschooler.
1264
00:41:34,130 --> 00:41:35,097
No.
1265
00:41:35,131 --> 00:41:36,265
Sex with men
1266
00:41:36,299 --> 00:41:37,433
who have the maturity
1267
00:41:37,468 --> 00:41:39,268
of an experienced lover,
1268
00:41:39,302 --> 00:41:40,936
there's nothing quite like it.
1269
00:41:40,971 --> 00:41:42,104
- T.M.I.
1270
00:41:42,138 --> 00:41:43,272
- Pardon?
1271
00:41:43,306 --> 00:41:44,440
- Nothing.
1272
00:41:44,475 --> 00:41:45,608
- Let me guess.
1273
00:41:45,642 --> 00:41:47,109
Some strapping thing
1274
00:41:47,143 --> 00:41:48,944
has broken your heart.
1275
00:41:48,979 --> 00:41:50,212
- Is it that obvious?
1276
00:41:50,247 --> 00:41:51,714
- Either that or Miley Cyrus
1277
00:41:51,749 --> 00:41:52,882
died.
1278
00:41:52,916 --> 00:41:56,051
See, I'm not that dated.
1279
00:41:56,086 --> 00:41:58,721
- Yeah, it's a guy.
1280
00:41:58,756 --> 00:42:01,056
No, no, it's me.
1281
00:42:01,091 --> 00:42:03,058
I was a complete jerk.
1282
00:42:03,093 --> 00:42:04,226
And I knew it
1283
00:42:04,261 --> 00:42:05,395
while it was happening
1284
00:42:05,429 --> 00:42:06,662
but I did it anyway.
1285
00:42:06,697 --> 00:42:07,830
And now I'll never
1286
00:42:07,865 --> 00:42:08,998
get to show Zack
1287
00:42:09,032 --> 00:42:10,767
what a great boyfriend I can be.
1288
00:42:10,801 --> 00:42:12,034
Now I'll never even have
1289
00:42:12,068 --> 00:42:13,536
a boyfriend.
1290
00:42:13,570 --> 00:42:15,037
And I'll wind up alone
1291
00:42:15,071 --> 00:42:18,040
until I'm all old and...
1292
00:42:18,074 --> 00:42:19,542
Sorry.
1293
00:42:19,576 --> 00:42:21,043
- Oh dear heart,
1294
00:42:21,077 --> 00:42:22,378
there's worse things
1295
00:42:22,413 --> 00:42:24,514
than not having a boyfriend.
1296
00:42:24,548 --> 00:42:26,682
Like trudging bare foot uphill
1297
00:42:26,717 --> 00:42:28,183
through five miles of snow
1298
00:42:28,218 --> 00:42:29,519
just to find the nearest
1299
00:42:29,553 --> 00:42:32,354
homosexual saloon.
1300
00:42:32,389 --> 00:42:34,857
It was a joke.
1301
00:42:34,892 --> 00:42:36,358
I'm not that old.
1302
00:42:36,393 --> 00:42:37,527
- You're not?
1303
00:42:37,561 --> 00:42:38,694
- Well now,
1304
00:42:38,729 --> 00:42:40,195
that was just not pretty.
1305
00:42:40,230 --> 00:42:41,531
All I'm saying is,
1306
00:42:41,565 --> 00:42:43,365
as dark as it may seem,
1307
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:44,700
I think your generation
1308
00:42:44,735 --> 00:42:45,868
has it pretty easy
1309
00:42:45,903 --> 00:42:47,136
when it comes to finding
1310
00:42:47,170 --> 00:42:50,973
all the other fish
1311
00:42:51,007 --> 00:42:52,975
in the sea.
1312
00:42:54,177 --> 00:42:55,478
I bet you're thinking
1313
00:42:55,512 --> 00:42:56,646
right now
1314
00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:57,814
that the obvious solution
1315
00:42:57,848 --> 00:43:00,149
is something that I used to do
1316
00:43:00,183 --> 00:43:01,317
when I was trying
1317
00:43:01,351 --> 00:43:03,152
to get over someone.
1318
00:43:03,186 --> 00:43:04,654
- What's that?
1319
00:43:04,688 --> 00:43:06,155
- Well I used to think
1320
00:43:06,189 --> 00:43:07,924
that a good roll in the hay
1321
00:43:07,958 --> 00:43:09,191
would be all I needed
1322
00:43:09,225 --> 00:43:11,360
but I was wrong.
1323
00:43:11,394 --> 00:43:13,362
Sleeping with someone
1324
00:43:13,396 --> 00:43:15,498
to get over someone else
1325
00:43:15,532 --> 00:43:18,167
never works.
1326
00:43:18,201 --> 00:43:19,335
- Casey, right?
1327
00:43:19,369 --> 00:43:20,503
- Yeah.
1328
00:43:20,537 --> 00:43:22,338
- Trust me on this,
1329
00:43:22,372 --> 00:43:24,340
it never works.
1330
00:43:24,374 --> 00:43:25,842
- You want to go somewhere
1331
00:43:25,876 --> 00:43:27,510
and talk?
1332
00:43:28,545 --> 00:43:30,847
- Never.
1333
00:43:30,881 --> 00:43:33,850
- Sure.
1334
00:43:37,387 --> 00:43:40,189
- Never learn.
1335
00:43:43,727 --> 00:43:45,528
- That drink was strong,
1336
00:43:45,562 --> 00:43:47,530
like drinking blood straight
1337
00:43:47,564 --> 00:43:49,031
from Amy Winehouse's wrist.
1338
00:43:49,065 --> 00:43:51,033
- God, I'm glad I met you.
1339
00:43:51,067 --> 00:43:52,702
Last guy I dated, Zack,
1340
00:43:52,736 --> 00:43:54,436
such a fucking loser.
1341
00:43:54,471 --> 00:43:56,572
He was a good kisser.
1342
00:43:56,607 --> 00:43:58,741
- Kissing's overrated.
1343
00:43:58,775 --> 00:44:00,476
How good was he?
1344
00:44:00,511 --> 00:44:01,644
- Incredible.
1345
00:44:01,678 --> 00:44:04,213
Always started off the same way.
1346
00:44:04,247 --> 00:44:06,048
Two pecks.
1347
00:44:07,918 --> 00:44:10,553
Then a deeper kiss.
1348
00:44:12,756 --> 00:44:13,890
Followed by a bite
1349
00:44:13,924 --> 00:44:17,059
to the lower lip.
1350
00:44:19,429 --> 00:44:21,397
And repeat.
1351
00:44:28,104 --> 00:44:31,073
- Get back in.
1352
00:44:40,617 --> 00:44:41,751
We should fuck.
1353
00:44:41,785 --> 00:44:42,919
Is that your bed?
1354
00:44:42,953 --> 00:44:44,420
- I don't usually do that
1355
00:44:44,454 --> 00:44:45,588
on the first...
1356
00:44:45,622 --> 00:44:46,856
- Yeah, neither do I.
1357
00:44:46,890 --> 00:44:48,858
Right behind you.
1358
00:46:05,252 --> 00:46:06,385
- Hi,
1359
00:46:06,419 --> 00:46:07,886
how can I hurt you today?
1360
00:46:07,920 --> 00:46:09,054
- We gotta talk.
1361
00:46:09,088 --> 00:46:10,222
- We have nothing
1362
00:46:10,257 --> 00:46:11,390
to talk about.
1363
00:46:11,424 --> 00:46:12,558
- Five minutes,
1364
00:46:12,592 --> 00:46:14,893
that's all I ask.
1365
00:46:19,266 --> 00:46:20,499
- You need to have
1366
00:46:20,533 --> 00:46:23,168
an appointment.
1367
00:46:23,202 --> 00:46:24,436
- We gotta do something
1368
00:46:24,471 --> 00:46:25,771
about Zack and Casey.
1369
00:46:25,805 --> 00:46:27,038
- What do you mean,
1370
00:46:27,073 --> 00:46:28,807
I thought you were gay for Zack.
1371
00:46:28,841 --> 00:46:29,975
- Come on,
1372
00:46:30,009 --> 00:46:32,110
you know I'm not gay.
1373
00:46:34,648 --> 00:46:36,114
- You know I was just
1374
00:46:36,149 --> 00:46:37,383
trying to piss you off.
1375
00:46:37,417 --> 00:46:38,651
- Well, it didn't work,
1376
00:46:38,685 --> 00:46:40,653
clit monger.
1377
00:46:43,523 --> 00:46:45,257
Why would you want to help them.
1378
00:46:45,292 --> 00:46:46,525
- They seem like they
1379
00:46:46,559 --> 00:46:47,693
actually belong together.
1380
00:46:47,727 --> 00:46:49,194
And I messed that up.
1381
00:46:49,228 --> 00:46:50,362
- My God,
1382
00:46:50,397 --> 00:46:51,530
you have feelings?
1383
00:46:51,564 --> 00:46:52,698
I thought your fortes
1384
00:46:52,732 --> 00:46:53,865
fortes was cheating
1385
00:46:53,900 --> 00:46:55,033
and home wrecking.
1386
00:46:55,067 --> 00:46:56,201
- You cheated too.
1387
00:46:56,235 --> 00:46:57,703
- He wasn't inside me yet.
1388
00:46:57,737 --> 00:46:58,970
- We both fucked up.
1389
00:46:59,005 --> 00:47:00,238
But this is our chance
1390
00:47:00,273 --> 00:47:02,240
to do something right.
1391
00:47:04,110 --> 00:47:06,077
- Aww.
1392
00:47:06,112 --> 00:47:08,246
Tyra moment.
1393
00:47:11,785 --> 00:47:13,251
How do we get them together?
1394
00:47:13,286 --> 00:47:14,520
Zack clearly prefers to be
1395
00:47:14,554 --> 00:47:15,688
with gorgeous people
1396
00:47:15,722 --> 00:47:16,855
like me and you.
1397
00:47:16,889 --> 00:47:18,357
- It takes a lot more
1398
00:47:18,391 --> 00:47:19,525
than a gym
1399
00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:20,693
and some cucumbers
1400
00:47:20,727 --> 00:47:21,860
to make someone gorgeous.
1401
00:47:21,894 --> 00:47:23,128
- The point is Casey
1402
00:47:23,162 --> 00:47:24,396
isn't even on Zack's menu.
1403
00:47:24,431 --> 00:47:25,564
- Exactly!
1404
00:47:25,598 --> 00:47:26,732
We're ordering
1405
00:47:26,766 --> 00:47:27,899
from the wrong menu.
1406
00:47:27,934 --> 00:47:29,067
We gotta go
1407
00:47:29,101 --> 00:47:30,235
to another restaurant
1408
00:47:30,269 --> 00:47:31,403
where Zack is
1409
00:47:31,438 --> 00:47:32,671
and order the hot dog.
1410
00:47:32,706 --> 00:47:33,839
Because we really
1411
00:47:33,873 --> 00:47:36,342
just want the bun.
1412
00:47:36,376 --> 00:47:38,510
- Or we could trick them
1413
00:47:38,545 --> 00:47:39,845
into a date.
1414
00:47:39,879 --> 00:47:42,414
- That's what I just said.
1415
00:47:51,624 --> 00:47:52,924
- Hey there sausage,
1416
00:47:52,959 --> 00:47:54,426
why the long dick.
1417
00:47:54,461 --> 00:47:57,262
- Oh, it's you.
1418
00:47:57,296 --> 00:47:59,598
- Yes, it's me,
1419
00:47:59,632 --> 00:48:01,767
the slut with the heart of shit.
1420
00:48:01,801 --> 00:48:03,268
- No argument here.
1421
00:48:03,302 --> 00:48:04,603
- I know.
1422
00:48:04,637 --> 00:48:05,771
I'm sorry,
1423
00:48:05,805 --> 00:48:07,906
I owe you a cocktail,
1424
00:48:07,940 --> 00:48:09,408
or at least a hand job.
1425
00:48:09,442 --> 00:48:10,576
- You've done enough,
1426
00:48:10,610 --> 00:48:13,078
really.
1427
00:48:13,112 --> 00:48:14,246
Actually,
1428
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:16,415
there is something you can do.
1429
00:48:16,449 --> 00:48:17,750
Find me an auctioneer
1430
00:48:17,784 --> 00:48:19,918
for the male sale.
1431
00:48:19,952 --> 00:48:21,086
- I'll do it.
1432
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:22,588
I used to run the auction
1433
00:48:22,622 --> 00:48:23,856
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.
1434
00:48:23,890 --> 00:48:25,023
- Really?
1435
00:48:25,057 --> 00:48:26,191
- Yeah.
1436
00:48:26,225 --> 00:48:27,359
There's a lot people
1437
00:48:27,394 --> 00:48:29,361
don't know about me.
1438
00:48:31,398 --> 00:48:33,031
Listen.
1439
00:48:33,065 --> 00:48:34,533
You need to know the truth
1440
00:48:34,567 --> 00:48:36,034
about what went down with Casey.
1441
00:48:36,068 --> 00:48:37,536
- Casey can suck my balls.
1442
00:48:37,570 --> 00:48:39,037
- Well, that's what he's been
1443
00:48:39,071 --> 00:48:40,305
trying to say all along.
1444
00:48:40,339 --> 00:48:41,807
- You know what I mean.
1445
00:48:41,841 --> 00:48:43,308
- I know.
1446
00:48:43,342 --> 00:48:44,810
Come on, let me buy you
1447
00:48:44,844 --> 00:48:46,144
a drink later.
1448
00:48:46,178 --> 00:48:47,479
You shouldn't be alone
1449
00:48:47,514 --> 00:48:48,980
during this delicate juncture.
1450
00:48:49,015 --> 00:48:51,817
Trust me, I've been there.
1451
00:48:53,185 --> 00:48:57,656
Where is your fag hag anyway?
1452
00:48:57,690 --> 00:48:58,824
Oh, come on,
1453
00:48:58,858 --> 00:49:00,826
I'll sub for her.
1454
00:49:00,860 --> 00:49:01,993
- You can't sub
1455
00:49:02,028 --> 00:49:03,161
for a best friend.
1456
00:49:03,195 --> 00:49:04,329
- You're gay
1457
00:49:04,363 --> 00:49:05,597
and I'm a straight girl
1458
00:49:05,632 --> 00:49:06,765
of big tits.
1459
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:07,933
Evolution has
1460
00:49:07,967 --> 00:49:09,100
genetically programmed us
1461
00:49:09,135 --> 00:49:10,602
to be there for each other.
1462
00:49:10,637 --> 00:49:11,770
Like the clown fish
1463
00:49:11,805 --> 00:49:12,938
and the sea anemone.
1464
00:49:12,972 --> 00:49:14,940
Now, what'd you say?
1465
00:49:21,314 --> 00:49:22,448
- Casey!
1466
00:49:22,482 --> 00:49:23,782
- Oh, hey.
1467
00:49:23,817 --> 00:49:24,950
- You, me, drinks.
1468
00:49:24,984 --> 00:49:26,117
Tonight.
1469
00:49:26,152 --> 00:49:27,285
- No.
1470
00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:28,454
What's up with you
1471
00:49:28,488 --> 00:49:29,721
going out with gay guys.
1472
00:49:29,756 --> 00:49:31,222
- I want to make up
1473
00:49:31,257 --> 00:49:32,491
for screwing up your game.
1474
00:49:32,525 --> 00:49:33,759
- Yeah, I don't think
1475
00:49:33,793 --> 00:49:35,527
a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is
1476
00:49:35,562 --> 00:49:36,695
straight guys drink
1477
00:49:36,729 --> 00:49:37,696
is gonna help.
1478
00:49:37,730 --> 00:49:39,465
- I'll put an umbrella in it.
1479
00:49:39,499 --> 00:49:40,466
Awesome.
1480
00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:43,802
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
1481
00:49:43,837 --> 00:49:46,137
- Awesome.
1482
00:49:56,199 --> 00:49:57,499
- It's me.
1483
00:49:57,533 --> 00:49:58,834
- We're set.
1484
00:49:58,868 --> 00:50:00,002
- Great!
1485
00:50:00,036 --> 00:50:01,503
Now be a good little stripper
1486
00:50:01,537 --> 00:50:02,771
and do whatever it takes
1487
00:50:02,806 --> 00:50:04,039
to get those boys all
1488
00:50:04,074 --> 00:50:05,540
horned up and ready to blow.
1489
00:50:05,575 --> 00:50:06,809
- I think they care
1490
00:50:06,843 --> 00:50:07,976
about more than sex.
1491
00:50:08,011 --> 00:50:09,144
- Jesus, you sound
1492
00:50:09,179 --> 00:50:10,645
like a woman that isn't me.
1493
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:12,981
Of course they care about sex.
1494
00:50:13,016 --> 00:50:14,149
If they don't,
1495
00:50:14,184 --> 00:50:15,417
that's what the alcohol's for.
1496
00:50:15,451 --> 00:50:16,919
- Well, you just show up
1497
00:50:16,953 --> 00:50:18,253
when you're supposed to.
1498
00:50:18,287 --> 00:50:19,922
- Honey, I'm a as reliable
1499
00:50:19,956 --> 00:50:21,423
as birth control.
1500
00:50:21,457 --> 00:50:22,691
- That's not a 100%.
1501
00:50:22,726 --> 00:50:25,260
- Take it or leave it.
1502
00:50:29,966 --> 00:50:31,266
- Tandy,
1503
00:50:31,300 --> 00:50:32,434
what's up dragon lady?
1504
00:50:32,468 --> 00:50:33,702
- I got your non-call,
1505
00:50:33,737 --> 00:50:35,204
leave a fucking V.M. next time.
1506
00:50:35,238 --> 00:50:36,205
- You said
1507
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:37,472
you didn't want to hear
1508
00:50:37,506 --> 00:50:38,473
about gay problems.
1509
00:50:38,507 --> 00:50:39,474
- Good point,
1510
00:50:39,508 --> 00:50:40,642
thanks for sparing me
1511
00:50:40,676 --> 00:50:41,910
the Queer as Folk rerun.
1512
00:50:41,945 --> 00:50:42,911
Where are we going?
1513
00:50:42,946 --> 00:50:43,912
- To hang out
1514
00:50:43,947 --> 00:50:44,913
with my new friend,
1515
00:50:44,948 --> 00:50:45,914
remember that girl, Tiffani.
1516
00:50:45,949 --> 00:50:46,915
- The sluttier version
1517
00:50:46,950 --> 00:50:47,916
of Tara Reid?
1518
00:50:47,951 --> 00:50:49,184
You're hanging out with her?
1519
00:50:49,219 --> 00:50:50,452
- She wanted to hear
1520
00:50:50,486 --> 00:50:51,620
about my problems.
1521
00:50:51,654 --> 00:50:53,455
- I smell a rat
1522
00:50:53,489 --> 00:50:57,292
with fake tits.
1523
00:50:57,326 --> 00:50:59,061
- To all the boys I fucked
1524
00:50:59,095 --> 00:51:00,796
and never called back.
1525
00:51:00,830 --> 00:51:01,964
- That must be
1526
00:51:01,998 --> 00:51:03,132
like a hundred.
1527
00:51:03,166 --> 00:51:04,633
- Like ten years ago maybe.
1528
00:51:04,667 --> 00:51:07,970
- Z Here's to me catching up.
1529
00:51:12,341 --> 00:51:14,977
- So, this whole Internet...
1530
00:51:15,011 --> 00:51:16,311
- Lie.
1531
00:51:16,345 --> 00:51:17,646
- Performance
1532
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:19,982
was totally 100% my idea.
1533
00:51:20,016 --> 00:51:21,817
Casey had nothing to do
1534
00:51:21,851 --> 00:51:23,152
with it.
1535
00:51:23,186 --> 00:51:24,419
- But he's the one
1536
00:51:24,453 --> 00:51:27,089
who chatted with me, right?
1537
00:51:27,123 --> 00:51:28,757
- Yes.
1538
00:51:28,792 --> 00:51:31,093
But I practically raped him
1539
00:51:31,127 --> 00:51:33,095
into it.
1540
00:51:33,129 --> 00:51:34,596
- So what he said,
1541
00:51:34,630 --> 00:51:37,166
how much of that was him?
1542
00:51:38,534 --> 00:51:41,670
- Just the good stuff.
1543
00:51:41,704 --> 00:51:43,672
- He's lucky to have you,
1544
00:51:43,706 --> 00:51:46,175
except for the raping part.
1545
00:51:46,209 --> 00:51:48,310
- To the raping part.
1546
00:51:48,344 --> 00:51:50,979
- To the raping part.
1547
00:52:10,033 --> 00:52:11,166
- Trust me,
1548
00:52:11,201 --> 00:52:12,434
this is so much better
1549
00:52:12,468 --> 00:52:13,601
than shaving.
1550
00:52:13,636 --> 00:52:17,439
- That feels really weird.
1551
00:52:17,473 --> 00:52:18,606
- Assholes
1552
00:52:18,641 --> 00:52:21,109
are like snowflakes.
1553
00:52:21,144 --> 00:52:23,111
Speaking of pretty assholes,
1554
00:52:23,146 --> 00:52:24,279
why were you dating
1555
00:52:24,314 --> 00:52:26,281
that Lionel guy?
1556
00:52:26,316 --> 00:52:27,449
- What?
1557
00:52:27,483 --> 00:52:28,783
You've never dated
1558
00:52:28,818 --> 00:52:30,452
an asshole before?
1559
00:52:30,486 --> 00:52:32,620
- Honey,
1560
00:52:32,655 --> 00:52:35,457
assholes are attracted to me
1561
00:52:35,491 --> 00:52:38,961
like shit to assholes.
1562
00:52:38,995 --> 00:52:40,462
- And why did you stay
1563
00:52:40,496 --> 00:52:41,629
with them?
1564
00:52:41,664 --> 00:52:42,797
- Sex.
1565
00:52:42,832 --> 00:52:43,966
- Exactly!
1566
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,234
I have the same problem,
1567
00:52:45,268 --> 00:52:46,735
I can't say no to cock.
1568
00:52:46,769 --> 00:52:47,903
- Oh, you're fucking
1569
00:52:47,937 --> 00:52:49,071
to the choir.
1570
00:52:49,105 --> 00:52:52,407
Dick, it just like blinds me,
1571
00:52:52,441 --> 00:52:54,743
you know.
1572
00:52:54,777 --> 00:52:55,911
- You ripped out
1573
00:52:55,945 --> 00:52:57,913
my sphincter!
1574
00:52:59,282 --> 00:53:01,399
- My turn.
1575
00:53:01,434 --> 00:53:02,567
- You know,
1576
00:53:02,601 --> 00:53:05,237
Zack is totally into you.
1577
00:53:05,271 --> 00:53:06,972
- No he's not.
1578
00:53:07,006 --> 00:53:08,240
I need to give up
1579
00:53:08,274 --> 00:53:10,075
and go for someone uglier.
1580
00:53:10,109 --> 00:53:12,911
Not like Michael Stipe ugly,
1581
00:53:12,946 --> 00:53:14,412
but at least
1582
00:53:14,447 --> 00:53:16,915
Rufus Wainwright ugly.
1583
00:53:16,950 --> 00:53:19,484
- I don't watch that show.
1584
00:53:19,518 --> 00:53:20,819
But I've been watching
1585
00:53:20,854 --> 00:53:22,554
gay guys for years.
1586
00:53:22,588 --> 00:53:23,722
See, they don't think
1587
00:53:23,756 --> 00:53:25,057
the strippers can see back,
1588
00:53:25,091 --> 00:53:27,226
but we totally can.
1589
00:53:27,260 --> 00:53:28,727
You guys' problem is
1590
00:53:28,761 --> 00:53:29,895
you don't even talk
1591
00:53:29,929 --> 00:53:31,063
to each other,
1592
00:53:31,097 --> 00:53:32,231
you're always waiting
1593
00:53:32,265 --> 00:53:33,398
for someone else
1594
00:53:33,432 --> 00:53:35,067
to make the first move.
1595
00:53:35,101 --> 00:53:36,568
- I gave him my number,
1596
00:53:36,602 --> 00:53:38,570
I volunteered for the male sale,
1597
00:53:38,604 --> 00:53:40,405
I took off my shirt for him.
1598
00:53:40,439 --> 00:53:42,741
I stalked him on the Internet.
1599
00:53:42,775 --> 00:53:44,910
I made all the moves.
1600
00:53:44,944 --> 00:53:46,411
- But when'd you tell him
1601
00:53:46,445 --> 00:53:49,414
you liked him.
1602
00:53:49,448 --> 00:53:50,582
- You know,
1603
00:53:50,616 --> 00:53:54,086
you could cheat on me,
1604
00:53:54,120 --> 00:53:55,420
steal all my money
1605
00:53:55,454 --> 00:53:57,155
and kill my mother
1606
00:53:57,190 --> 00:53:59,157
but if you're hot,
1607
00:53:59,192 --> 00:54:00,825
I'll make excuses for you
1608
00:54:00,860 --> 00:54:03,828
until the day you leave me.
1609
00:54:07,367 --> 00:54:09,334
Or turn gay.
1610
00:54:09,369 --> 00:54:11,503
Or both.
1611
00:54:12,872 --> 00:54:15,173
Oh, damn,
1612
00:54:15,208 --> 00:54:16,674
all out of liquor.
1613
00:54:16,709 --> 00:54:18,176
Let's get out of here.
1614
00:54:18,211 --> 00:54:19,511
You can have that one,
1615
00:54:19,545 --> 00:54:21,846
I got plenty at home.
1616
00:54:28,554 --> 00:54:29,687
- That pizza
1617
00:54:29,722 --> 00:54:31,189
ought to be here any minute.
1618
00:54:31,224 --> 00:54:33,858
- Yum, pizza.
1619
00:54:33,893 --> 00:54:35,027
- What if
1620
00:54:35,061 --> 00:54:36,194
your boyfriend Zack
1621
00:54:36,229 --> 00:54:37,695
was the delivery boy?
1622
00:54:37,730 --> 00:54:40,032
- You are such a stripper.
1623
00:54:40,066 --> 00:54:43,201
And he's not my boyfriend.
1624
00:54:43,236 --> 00:54:44,702
- I gotta hit the head,
1625
00:54:44,737 --> 00:54:46,538
get the door if the pizza comes.
1626
00:54:46,572 --> 00:54:48,873
- Ok.
1627
00:55:35,788 --> 00:55:37,422
- You've been
1628
00:55:37,457 --> 00:55:40,092
a very bad boy.
1629
00:55:40,126 --> 00:55:41,426
You have the right
1630
00:55:41,461 --> 00:55:43,928
to remain sexy.
1631
00:55:43,963 --> 00:55:45,230
Anything you touch
1632
00:55:45,264 --> 00:55:46,731
will be held against you
1633
00:55:46,765 --> 00:55:48,733
in the court of my...
1634
00:55:53,606 --> 00:55:55,407
Hit me with that pepperoni!
1635
00:55:55,441 --> 00:55:59,411
- Casey?
1636
00:55:59,445 --> 00:56:00,578
- Gotta go,
1637
00:56:00,613 --> 00:56:03,915
you two work it out, bye.
1638
00:56:03,949 --> 00:56:05,083
- Damn it!
1639
00:56:05,118 --> 00:56:06,251
- Hey Zack.
1640
00:56:06,285 --> 00:56:08,253
- Nice hat.
1641
00:56:12,625 --> 00:56:13,925
- Are they fucking yet?
1642
00:56:13,959 --> 00:56:15,660
- Not even close.
1643
00:56:15,694 --> 00:56:17,162
Is this gonna work?
1644
00:56:17,196 --> 00:56:18,497
- Trust me, it's science.
1645
00:56:18,531 --> 00:56:19,664
If you leave
1646
00:56:19,698 --> 00:56:20,832
two dicks together,
1647
00:56:20,866 --> 00:56:22,000
eventually one of them's
1648
00:56:22,035 --> 00:56:23,168
going to need sucking.
1649
00:56:23,202 --> 00:56:24,336
Like prison.
1650
00:56:24,370 --> 00:56:27,172
- I'm really sorry
1651
00:56:27,206 --> 00:56:29,508
about what I did.
1652
00:56:29,542 --> 00:56:31,843
- Who does stuff like that?
1653
00:56:31,877 --> 00:56:34,179
- People with no self-esteem?
1654
00:56:34,213 --> 00:56:35,514
- It's kinda mean.
1655
00:56:35,548 --> 00:56:36,681
- I'm sorry,
1656
00:56:36,715 --> 00:56:37,949
it got out of hand.
1657
00:56:37,983 --> 00:56:40,285
I just...I wanted to...
1658
00:56:40,319 --> 00:56:41,453
I don't know.
1659
00:56:41,487 --> 00:56:42,954
I wanted to meet you.
1660
00:56:42,988 --> 00:56:44,222
- You did meet me.
1661
00:56:44,257 --> 00:56:45,723
- I know,
1662
00:56:45,758 --> 00:56:49,894
I'm just an idiot.
1663
00:56:49,929 --> 00:56:51,396
- It's not a big deal,
1664
00:56:51,431 --> 00:56:53,398
it's over.
1665
00:56:55,601 --> 00:56:56,734
- Come on,
1666
00:56:56,769 --> 00:56:57,902
this is the part
1667
00:56:57,937 --> 00:56:59,071
where you fuck him.
1668
00:56:59,105 --> 00:57:00,238
- Man,
1669
00:57:00,273 --> 00:57:01,506
he just looked at you.
1670
00:57:01,541 --> 00:57:03,007
Look back.
1671
00:57:03,042 --> 00:57:04,008
- The dick sucking
1672
00:57:04,043 --> 00:57:05,009
principle should take effect
1673
00:57:05,044 --> 00:57:06,010
any second.
1674
00:57:06,045 --> 00:57:07,279
- Nah, I've seen guys
1675
00:57:07,313 --> 00:57:08,547
do this at the club.
1676
00:57:08,581 --> 00:57:09,814
They'll sit there for hours
1677
00:57:09,848 --> 00:57:11,083
and never say a word,
1678
00:57:11,117 --> 00:57:12,084
no matter how much
1679
00:57:12,118 --> 00:57:13,085
they like each other.
1680
00:57:13,119 --> 00:57:14,086
- Go do something.
1681
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:15,920
- There's nothing I can do.
1682
00:57:15,955 --> 00:57:17,922
Except...
1683
00:57:17,957 --> 00:57:19,091
- What?
1684
00:57:19,125 --> 00:57:20,358
- Work my stripper magic.
1685
00:57:20,393 --> 00:57:21,526
- Stripper magic?
1686
00:57:21,561 --> 00:57:23,027
- When I see two guys
1687
00:57:23,062 --> 00:57:24,296
doing this at the club,
1688
00:57:24,330 --> 00:57:25,464
I'll get between them
1689
00:57:25,498 --> 00:57:26,965
and make them put their hands
1690
00:57:26,999 --> 00:57:28,133
all over me.
1691
00:57:28,167 --> 00:57:29,901
Then, I'll get out of the way
1692
00:57:29,935 --> 00:57:31,169
and they're so worked up
1693
00:57:31,204 --> 00:57:32,170
that they're
1694
00:57:32,205 --> 00:57:33,171
all over each other.
1695
00:57:33,206 --> 00:57:34,439
- You're like a stripper
1696
00:57:34,474 --> 00:57:35,440
Harriett Tubman.
1697
00:57:35,475 --> 00:57:36,441
- Exactly!
1698
00:57:36,476 --> 00:57:37,709
- Get to it Harriett,
1699
00:57:37,743 --> 00:57:39,728
the dogs are coming.
1700
00:57:48,103 --> 00:57:49,237
- Thank God,
1701
00:57:49,271 --> 00:57:50,405
can we leave now?
1702
00:57:50,439 --> 00:57:51,907
- You boys sit right there,
1703
00:57:51,941 --> 00:57:53,074
this party's
1704
00:57:53,108 --> 00:57:55,076
just getting started.
1705
00:57:57,947 --> 00:57:59,080
Let me show you
1706
00:57:59,114 --> 00:58:01,416
some classic stripper moves.
1707
00:58:01,450 --> 00:58:02,584
- What the fuck
1708
00:58:02,618 --> 00:58:03,752
are you doing?
1709
00:58:03,786 --> 00:58:04,920
- You guys
1710
00:58:04,954 --> 00:58:06,087
are at full attention,
1711
00:58:06,121 --> 00:58:07,255
and Sergeant Ryan's here
1712
00:58:07,289 --> 00:58:09,257
to release it.
1713
00:58:12,294 --> 00:58:15,263
Now, both of you
1714
00:58:15,297 --> 00:58:18,266
make a wish and pull.
1715
00:58:18,300 --> 00:58:19,434
- You've got
1716
00:58:19,468 --> 00:58:20,602
to be kidding me.
1717
00:58:20,636 --> 00:58:21,770
- Well it is
1718
00:58:21,804 --> 00:58:23,038
kind of an ugly shirt.
1719
00:58:23,072 --> 00:58:25,040
- Totally generic.
1720
00:58:26,576 --> 00:58:29,377
- That's more like it.
1721
00:58:30,412 --> 00:58:31,713
Free.
1722
00:58:31,747 --> 00:58:33,381
Now, rip open
1723
00:58:33,415 --> 00:58:35,383
rigid Ryan's jeans.
1724
00:58:35,417 --> 00:58:36,718
- You're straight?
1725
00:58:36,752 --> 00:58:38,219
- We're just three dudes
1726
00:58:38,253 --> 00:58:39,888
having some fun.
1727
00:58:39,922 --> 00:58:42,223
Now pull.
1728
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:46,227
- Are you hard?
1729
00:58:46,261 --> 00:58:47,562
- Maybe.
1730
00:58:47,597 --> 00:58:50,732
Are you?
1731
00:58:50,766 --> 00:58:53,735
Gotta get out of these pants.
1732
00:58:59,609 --> 00:59:00,909
There's never a sexy way
1733
00:59:00,943 --> 00:59:02,176
to get the jeans off.
1734
00:59:02,211 --> 00:59:03,344
- I don't know,
1735
00:59:03,378 --> 00:59:04,512
that's pretty...
1736
00:59:04,546 --> 00:59:05,513
- Sexy.
1737
00:59:05,547 --> 00:59:06,514
- Your turn.
1738
00:59:06,548 --> 00:59:07,515
- For what?
1739
00:59:07,549 --> 00:59:08,783
- For your free lesson
1740
00:59:08,818 --> 00:59:09,951
in exotic dancing,
1741
00:59:09,986 --> 00:59:11,452
it's an actual skill you know.
1742
00:59:11,487 --> 00:59:12,621
- I'm in.
1743
00:59:12,655 --> 00:59:13,788
- I'll watch.
1744
00:59:13,823 --> 00:59:15,056
- No looky-loos, come on.
1745
00:59:15,091 --> 00:59:16,224
Undo your shirts.
1746
00:59:16,258 --> 00:59:17,558
With more confidence.
1747
00:59:17,593 --> 00:59:20,561
A slow reveal.
1748
00:59:22,932 --> 00:59:24,232
Good.
1749
00:59:24,266 --> 00:59:25,399
Now, when you get
1750
00:59:25,434 --> 00:59:26,567
to the last button,
1751
00:59:26,602 --> 00:59:28,069
take your shirt at the collar
1752
00:59:28,104 --> 00:59:30,404
and slowly peel it off.
1753
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:32,573
Good, that's hot.
1754
00:59:32,608 --> 00:59:33,908
- Yeah.
1755
00:59:33,943 --> 00:59:35,576
- Now, pull your pants off
1756
00:59:35,611 --> 00:59:36,745
like I did,
1757
00:59:36,779 --> 00:59:37,912
and lead forward,
1758
00:59:37,947 --> 00:59:39,914
like this.
1759
00:59:43,619 --> 00:59:45,086
Come on, we're in underwear.
1760
00:59:45,121 --> 00:59:48,089
Zack, come here, take a side.
1761
00:59:51,127 --> 00:59:52,426
- Well,
1762
00:59:52,461 --> 00:59:55,263
that was certainly fun.
1763
00:59:55,297 --> 00:59:58,266
- Now give me a lap dance.
1764
01:00:00,302 --> 01:00:01,770
- How's this?
1765
01:00:01,804 --> 01:00:02,937
- You dance
1766
01:00:02,972 --> 01:00:04,105
like a straight boy.
1767
01:00:04,140 --> 01:00:05,373
You need to move them
1768
01:00:05,407 --> 01:00:06,541
like this.
1769
01:00:06,575 --> 01:00:08,043
You're all thrust and no grind.
1770
01:00:08,077 --> 01:00:09,711
Casey, come here.
1771
01:00:09,745 --> 01:00:12,547
Put your hands here.
1772
01:00:12,581 --> 01:00:14,716
Feel this.
1773
01:00:14,750 --> 01:00:17,052
That's hot.
1774
01:00:24,927 --> 01:00:26,227
You know,
1775
01:00:26,261 --> 01:00:28,897
you guys make a hot couple.
1776
01:00:30,599 --> 01:00:32,233
Guys, I think I'm gonna...
1777
01:00:32,267 --> 01:00:33,401
- You're not
1778
01:00:33,435 --> 01:00:34,569
gonna go anywhere
1779
01:00:34,603 --> 01:00:36,571
when you're that hard.
1780
01:00:56,458 --> 01:00:58,259
- Oh yeah.
1781
01:00:58,293 --> 01:00:59,928
That's so hot.
1782
01:00:59,962 --> 01:01:01,096
- Oh my God,
1783
01:01:01,130 --> 01:01:03,431
that is so fucking hot!
1784
01:01:26,989 --> 01:01:28,256
- Fuck yeah,
1785
01:01:28,290 --> 01:01:31,259
work that pussy.
1786
01:01:40,136 --> 01:01:42,436
- And what do we have here?
1787
01:01:42,471 --> 01:01:44,105
Shew, get away.
1788
01:01:44,140 --> 01:01:45,273
- I don't do
1789
01:01:45,307 --> 01:01:46,440
the lesbian thing anymore.
1790
01:01:46,475 --> 01:01:47,608
- I knew
1791
01:01:47,643 --> 01:01:48,777
this was gonna happen.
1792
01:01:48,811 --> 01:01:50,945
- You did?
1793
01:01:50,980 --> 01:01:52,947
Get over here.
1794
01:01:54,483 --> 01:01:55,784
- What the...
1795
01:01:55,818 --> 01:01:57,952
- Ready for the Zack special?
1796
01:02:01,991 --> 01:02:03,958
Help me.
1797
01:02:05,494 --> 01:02:08,129
- Holy crap.
1798
01:02:08,164 --> 01:02:09,463
Oh yeah, I've never had
1799
01:02:09,498 --> 01:02:11,966
two months before, yeah,
1800
01:02:12,001 --> 01:02:14,335
one of you do the balls.
1801
01:02:14,369 --> 01:02:17,672
Oh my God!
1802
01:02:19,374 --> 01:02:20,608
- Why are you fucking
1803
01:02:20,642 --> 01:02:21,776
with Zack?
1804
01:02:21,811 --> 01:02:22,944
- Technically
1805
01:02:22,978 --> 01:02:24,112
I'm watching them
1806
01:02:24,146 --> 01:02:25,280
fuck with Zack.
1807
01:02:25,314 --> 01:02:26,447
- I'm breaking up
1808
01:02:26,481 --> 01:02:27,715
that blow fest right now.
1809
01:02:27,749 --> 01:02:29,217
- Over my hot dead body.
1810
01:02:29,251 --> 01:02:30,384
- That's what
1811
01:02:30,419 --> 01:02:32,386
I was planning.
1812
01:02:39,761 --> 01:02:42,897
Oh!
1813
01:02:42,932 --> 01:02:45,066
Is that pussy juice?
1814
01:02:45,100 --> 01:02:48,402
- A thousand dollars worth.
1815
01:02:48,437 --> 01:02:52,240
Oh!
1816
01:02:52,274 --> 01:02:54,408
- Guys, I'm gonna...
1817
01:02:54,443 --> 01:02:55,576
I'm gonna...
1818
01:02:55,610 --> 01:02:56,744
I'm gonna...
1819
01:02:56,778 --> 01:03:00,414
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!
1820
01:03:00,449 --> 01:03:01,682
- I've never heard that
1821
01:03:01,717 --> 01:03:02,851
without anything
1822
01:03:02,885 --> 01:03:04,853
in my pussy before.
1823
01:03:27,576 --> 01:03:29,377
- Wow.
1824
01:03:29,411 --> 01:03:32,046
- Wow.
1825
01:03:32,081 --> 01:03:34,548
- Wow!
1826
01:03:34,583 --> 01:03:36,284
- You fucking bitch.
1827
01:03:36,318 --> 01:03:37,451
- Let me kick
1828
01:03:37,486 --> 01:03:38,953
that pussy again.
1829
01:03:38,988 --> 01:03:40,121
- Tandy?
1830
01:03:40,155 --> 01:03:41,289
- Tiffani?
1831
01:03:41,323 --> 01:03:42,623
- Sorry I'm late.
1832
01:03:42,657 --> 01:03:44,959
Woman things.
1833
01:03:48,497 --> 01:03:50,965
God, I miss that cock.
1834
01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:52,133
- Are you ok?
1835
01:03:52,167 --> 01:03:53,868
- Kill the bitch.
1836
01:03:53,903 --> 01:03:55,370
- What the hell happened?
1837
01:03:55,404 --> 01:03:56,537
- I was trying
1838
01:03:56,571 --> 01:03:57,705
to protect you.
1839
01:03:57,739 --> 01:03:58,873
- I appreciate it
1840
01:03:58,908 --> 01:04:00,375
but it turns out
1841
01:04:00,409 --> 01:04:02,377
that everything's just fine.
1842
01:04:02,411 --> 01:04:03,544
Better than fine.
1843
01:04:03,578 --> 01:04:04,712
- What?
1844
01:04:04,746 --> 01:04:06,214
Are you life partners now?
1845
01:04:06,248 --> 01:04:08,549
- I think we're...
1846
01:04:08,583 --> 01:04:12,053
- Thanks to me and Ryan,
1847
01:04:12,087 --> 01:04:14,722
and Ryan's friend.
1848
01:04:14,756 --> 01:04:15,890
- Zack, I have
1849
01:04:15,925 --> 01:04:17,392
the perfect first date for us.
1850
01:04:17,426 --> 01:04:18,659
- Like your first date
1851
01:04:18,693 --> 01:04:20,995
with him?
1852
01:04:23,032 --> 01:04:25,133
You're just like everyone else.
1853
01:04:25,167 --> 01:04:28,136
Fuck you!
1854
01:04:32,174 --> 01:04:35,310
- You're all assholes.
1855
01:04:37,012 --> 01:04:38,813
- I miss how we fuck.
1856
01:04:38,847 --> 01:04:41,482
- Rigid Ryan misses you too.
1857
01:04:41,516 --> 01:04:43,217
- Oh come on,
1858
01:04:43,252 --> 01:04:44,485
let's go suck the gay
1859
01:04:44,519 --> 01:04:46,821
out of your cock.
1860
01:04:57,516 --> 01:04:58,749
- I hate the Internet.
1861
01:04:58,783 --> 01:05:00,018
- You can use it
1862
01:05:00,052 --> 01:05:01,285
for things other than sex.
1863
01:05:01,320 --> 01:05:02,620
- Like what?
1864
01:05:02,654 --> 01:05:03,787
- Well,
1865
01:05:03,822 --> 01:05:04,955
maybe gay people can't.
1866
01:05:04,990 --> 01:05:06,124
- Speaking
1867
01:05:06,158 --> 01:05:07,291
of trolling for sex,
1868
01:05:07,326 --> 01:05:08,292
I can't believe
1869
01:05:08,327 --> 01:05:09,293
Casey just slept
1870
01:05:09,328 --> 01:05:10,294
with the first thing
1871
01:05:10,329 --> 01:05:11,295
that looked at him.
1872
01:05:11,330 --> 01:05:12,563
- Ugh, I hate him.
1873
01:05:12,597 --> 01:05:13,564
But in his defense,
1874
01:05:13,598 --> 01:05:15,066
you did sort of reject him.
1875
01:05:15,100 --> 01:05:16,067
- So?
1876
01:05:16,101 --> 01:05:17,335
- What did you do
1877
01:05:17,369 --> 01:05:18,336
when Lionel rejected you?
1878
01:05:18,370 --> 01:05:19,337
You trolled...
1879
01:05:19,371 --> 01:05:21,172
- Online for sex.
1880
01:05:21,206 --> 01:05:22,340
- I hate
1881
01:05:22,374 --> 01:05:24,509
that you're always right.
1882
01:05:24,543 --> 01:05:26,511
It's like Jesus is my fag hag.
1883
01:05:26,545 --> 01:05:27,512
Wait, sorry,
1884
01:05:27,546 --> 01:05:28,779
I know you don't like
1885
01:05:28,813 --> 01:05:29,780
being called...
1886
01:05:29,814 --> 01:05:31,049
- I'm dealing with it.
1887
01:05:31,083 --> 01:05:32,216
I'm your fag hag.
1888
01:05:32,251 --> 01:05:34,052
Not a fag hag.
1889
01:05:34,086 --> 01:05:36,220
Your fag hag.
1890
01:05:36,255 --> 01:05:38,722
- Thank you sweetie.
1891
01:05:40,092 --> 01:05:41,825
- But if I'm your fag hag,
1892
01:05:41,860 --> 01:05:43,961
then you're my gay bitch.
1893
01:05:45,997 --> 01:05:47,298
- Gay bitch
1894
01:05:47,332 --> 01:05:49,133
loves his fag hag.
1895
01:05:49,168 --> 01:05:50,468
- You better bitch,
1896
01:05:50,502 --> 01:05:52,470
I got a black eye for you.
1897
01:06:03,182 --> 01:06:04,815
- Casey? Honey?
1898
01:06:04,849 --> 01:06:06,317
- I'm moving back home.
1899
01:06:06,351 --> 01:06:07,585
Can you drop me off
1900
01:06:07,619 --> 01:06:08,752
at the bus station
1901
01:06:08,787 --> 01:06:09,920
when I'm done packing?
1902
01:06:09,955 --> 01:06:11,189
- I thought you were
1903
01:06:11,223 --> 01:06:12,356
making new friends?
1904
01:06:12,391 --> 01:06:13,624
Don't you like it here?
1905
01:06:13,658 --> 01:06:14,792
The cheap rent,
1906
01:06:14,826 --> 01:06:15,960
the beautiful weather,
1907
01:06:15,994 --> 01:06:18,296
the abundance of gay ass.
1908
01:06:18,330 --> 01:06:19,630
- I turned everything
1909
01:06:19,664 --> 01:06:21,299
into a big wet mess.
1910
01:06:21,333 --> 01:06:22,467
- Oh honey,
1911
01:06:22,501 --> 01:06:23,734
it can't be that bad.
1912
01:06:23,768 --> 01:06:24,902
- It's horrible!
1913
01:06:24,936 --> 01:06:26,737
It's like 9/11 but with sex.
1914
01:06:26,771 --> 01:06:28,739
- Like a 69/11.
1915
01:06:28,773 --> 01:06:30,074
- You're horrible.
1916
01:06:30,109 --> 01:06:31,742
- Oh honey, come on.
1917
01:06:31,776 --> 01:06:33,010
I don't know what kind
1918
01:06:33,044 --> 01:06:34,345
of orgie-astic corfafel
1919
01:06:34,379 --> 01:06:35,513
you've gotten yourself
1920
01:06:35,547 --> 01:06:36,680
wrapped up in.
1921
01:06:36,715 --> 01:06:37,848
But I do know
1922
01:06:37,882 --> 01:06:39,016
that when you run
1923
01:06:39,050 --> 01:06:40,184
from your problems,
1924
01:06:40,219 --> 01:06:41,352
the location might change
1925
01:06:41,386 --> 01:06:42,520
but your problems
1926
01:06:42,554 --> 01:06:43,687
will be right there
1927
01:06:43,722 --> 01:06:44,855
waiting for you.
1928
01:06:44,889 --> 01:06:46,023
Only there
1929
01:06:46,057 --> 01:06:47,291
you won't have cheap rent
1930
01:06:47,326 --> 01:06:48,459
and this beautiful weather.
1931
01:06:48,494 --> 01:06:49,627
- What about
1932
01:06:49,661 --> 01:06:50,894
the abundance of gay ass?
1933
01:06:50,929 --> 01:06:51,895
- Honey,
1934
01:06:51,930 --> 01:06:53,164
you can find that anywhere.
1935
01:06:53,198 --> 01:06:54,165
Now come on,
1936
01:06:54,199 --> 01:06:55,333
tell your auntie Helen
1937
01:06:55,367 --> 01:06:56,501
all about your problem.
1938
01:06:56,535 --> 01:06:58,836
I promise you won't shock me.
1939
01:06:58,870 --> 01:07:00,004
- Ok, I pretended
1940
01:07:00,038 --> 01:07:01,506
to be Ryan to Zack online
1941
01:07:01,540 --> 01:07:02,773
but then Ryan showed up
1942
01:07:02,807 --> 01:07:04,041
and went out with Zack
1943
01:07:04,075 --> 01:07:05,309
to get back at Tiffani.
1944
01:07:05,344 --> 01:07:06,310
Anyway,
1945
01:07:06,345 --> 01:07:07,478
I think Zack realized
1946
01:07:07,513 --> 01:07:09,247
he liked me for who I am
1947
01:07:09,281 --> 01:07:10,748
and not the way Ryan looked
1948
01:07:10,782 --> 01:07:12,016
but he never told me.
1949
01:07:12,050 --> 01:07:13,017
So I fucked Lionel
1950
01:07:13,051 --> 01:07:14,018
who was probably just
1951
01:07:14,052 --> 01:07:15,520
trying to get back at Zack,
1952
01:07:15,554 --> 01:07:17,288
and then Ryan got Zack and me
1953
01:07:17,322 --> 01:07:18,556
to give him a blowjob
1954
01:07:18,590 --> 01:07:20,057
in order to get us together.
1955
01:07:20,091 --> 01:07:21,058
And it actually worked.
1956
01:07:21,092 --> 01:07:22,326
Until Zack got a videoclip
1957
01:07:22,361 --> 01:07:24,328
of me and Lionel doing it.
1958
01:07:24,363 --> 01:07:26,664
- So, Zack never told you
1959
01:07:26,698 --> 01:07:27,998
how he felt.
1960
01:07:28,033 --> 01:07:29,333
- Yeah.
1961
01:07:29,368 --> 01:07:30,501
- And you're just
1962
01:07:30,536 --> 01:07:31,669
gonna leave town
1963
01:07:31,703 --> 01:07:33,171
without giving him a chance to.
1964
01:07:33,205 --> 01:07:34,438
- You're not leaving town
1965
01:07:34,473 --> 01:07:35,606
you fuck tard.
1966
01:07:35,641 --> 01:07:36,774
We have a date
1967
01:07:36,808 --> 01:07:37,941
and I'm not running
1968
01:07:37,976 --> 01:07:39,109
that auction alone.
1969
01:07:39,144 --> 01:07:40,278
- The slut's right.
1970
01:07:40,312 --> 01:07:41,445
Don't pussy out
1971
01:07:41,480 --> 01:07:42,613
on the youth center
1972
01:07:42,648 --> 01:07:43,781
just because someone hurt
1973
01:07:43,815 --> 01:07:44,948
your dick's feelings.
1974
01:07:44,983 --> 01:07:46,116
- Love her.
1975
01:07:46,151 --> 01:07:47,285
Besides, when you run
1976
01:07:47,319 --> 01:07:48,452
from your problems,
1977
01:07:48,487 --> 01:07:49,620
the location may change...
1978
01:07:49,655 --> 01:07:51,121
- I already got that speech.
1979
01:07:51,156 --> 01:07:52,122
- Than what are
1980
01:07:52,157 --> 01:07:53,123
we waiting for,
1981
01:07:53,158 --> 01:07:54,124
cum boy,
1982
01:07:54,159 --> 01:07:55,293
we're gonna be late.
1983
01:07:55,327 --> 01:07:57,846
- Bah-bye.
1984
01:08:03,351 --> 01:08:04,819
- I smell an open bar.
1985
01:08:04,853 --> 01:08:05,987
- Get me anything
1986
01:08:06,021 --> 01:08:07,155
with a whiskey
1987
01:08:07,189 --> 01:08:08,322
and nothing else.
1988
01:08:08,356 --> 01:08:10,457
- Oh good, you came.
1989
01:08:11,493 --> 01:08:12,960
- Oh my God, I did.
1990
01:08:12,995 --> 01:08:14,128
- Zack, I...
1991
01:08:14,163 --> 01:08:15,296
- Here's the stuff
1992
01:08:15,330 --> 01:08:16,463
you need to say.
1993
01:08:16,498 --> 01:08:17,631
Don't bomb.
1994
01:08:17,666 --> 01:08:18,800
- What's a "ligabut?"
1995
01:08:18,834 --> 01:08:20,134
- That's LGBT.
1996
01:08:20,169 --> 01:08:21,302
- What's that?
1997
01:08:21,336 --> 01:08:22,303
- Jesus Christ,
1998
01:08:22,337 --> 01:08:23,570
I have to get you
1999
01:08:23,605 --> 01:08:24,571
to the green room.
2000
01:08:24,606 --> 01:08:25,572
- Zack, wait,
2001
01:08:25,607 --> 01:08:26,573
I came to apologize.
2002
01:08:26,608 --> 01:08:27,574
- Funny,
2003
01:08:27,609 --> 01:08:28,575
originally you said
2004
01:08:28,610 --> 01:08:29,576
you were coming
2005
01:08:29,611 --> 01:08:30,845
to support the gay community.
2006
01:08:30,879 --> 01:08:32,346
- You know the gay scene
2007
01:08:32,380 --> 01:08:33,347
isn't really my thing.
2008
01:08:33,381 --> 01:08:34,348
- You know
2009
01:08:34,382 --> 01:08:35,616
for someone who talks down
2010
01:08:35,650 --> 01:08:37,118
on the gay scene so much,
2011
01:08:37,152 --> 01:08:38,886
you really go out of your way
2012
01:08:38,921 --> 01:08:41,455
to represent the worst of it.
2013
01:08:47,662 --> 01:08:48,896
- Blowjob for your thoughts?
2014
01:08:48,931 --> 01:08:50,164
- What do you want?
2015
01:08:50,199 --> 01:08:51,665
- Come on, all I did
2016
01:08:51,700 --> 01:08:52,934
was prove that the guy
2017
01:08:52,968 --> 01:08:54,202
you thought was your friend
2018
01:08:54,236 --> 01:08:55,469
is just a big phony.
2019
01:08:55,503 --> 01:08:56,470
You should be happy.
2020
01:08:56,504 --> 01:08:57,471
- You thought
2021
01:08:57,505 --> 01:08:58,973
that sending me your sex video
2022
01:08:59,007 --> 01:08:59,974
would make me happy?
2023
01:09:00,008 --> 01:09:01,475
- I had to do something
2024
01:09:01,509 --> 01:09:02,476
to keep you apart.
2025
01:09:02,510 --> 01:09:03,477
- Why?
2026
01:09:03,511 --> 01:09:04,478
- You know why.
2027
01:09:04,512 --> 01:09:05,479
- Say it.
2028
01:09:05,513 --> 01:09:06,747
- I was jealous, alright?
2029
01:09:06,781 --> 01:09:07,748
- I knew it.
2030
01:09:07,782 --> 01:09:09,250
- And it wasn't just that.
2031
01:09:09,284 --> 01:09:10,251
I could tell
2032
01:09:10,285 --> 01:09:11,518
you were connecting with him.
2033
01:09:11,553 --> 01:09:12,519
I want you back.
2034
01:09:12,554 --> 01:09:13,520
Can you feel
2035
01:09:13,555 --> 01:09:15,022
how badly I want you back?
2036
01:09:15,057 --> 01:09:16,023
- I don't care
2037
01:09:16,058 --> 01:09:17,024
how hot you are,
2038
01:09:17,059 --> 01:09:18,025
I need more.
2039
01:09:18,060 --> 01:09:19,026
- You're so deep.
2040
01:09:19,061 --> 01:09:20,027
- If it's deep
2041
01:09:20,062 --> 01:09:21,028
to want someone
2042
01:09:21,063 --> 01:09:22,196
who's gonna respect me
2043
01:09:22,231 --> 01:09:23,364
and listen to me
2044
01:09:23,398 --> 01:09:24,866
and inspire me to do things
2045
01:09:24,900 --> 01:09:26,367
that I'd never thought I'd do.
2046
01:09:26,401 --> 01:09:27,534
Then yeah, I'm deep.
2047
01:09:27,569 --> 01:09:29,036
And you're too shallow for me.
2048
01:09:29,071 --> 01:09:30,304
- Good luck raising money
2049
01:09:30,339 --> 01:09:31,472
for your charity
2050
01:09:31,506 --> 01:09:32,740
without auctioning off my ass
2051
01:09:32,774 --> 01:09:33,908
and my friend's asses.
2052
01:09:33,942 --> 01:09:35,076
- You wouldn't,
2053
01:09:35,110 --> 01:09:36,577
this is for the community.
2054
01:09:36,611 --> 01:09:37,745
- Fuck the community.
2055
01:09:37,779 --> 01:09:39,747
- Lionel!
2056
01:09:42,117 --> 01:09:44,085
- Hello, hello queers
2057
01:09:44,119 --> 01:09:46,754
and wannabes.
2058
01:09:46,788 --> 01:09:48,089
Welcome to the tenth
2059
01:09:48,123 --> 01:09:50,758
annual male sale.
2060
01:09:50,792 --> 01:09:51,926
Tenth?
2061
01:09:51,960 --> 01:09:53,094
I didn't think
2062
01:09:53,128 --> 01:09:54,595
a gay could commit to anything
2063
01:09:54,629 --> 01:09:56,597
for that long.
2064
01:09:56,631 --> 01:09:57,932
I'm Tiffani,
2065
01:09:57,966 --> 01:10:00,601
your mattress of ceremonies.
2066
01:10:00,635 --> 01:10:02,603
- I love that drag queen.
2067
01:10:05,473 --> 01:10:08,442
- Zack, I'm sorry, I...
2068
01:10:12,814 --> 01:10:13,781
- Now's your chance
2069
01:10:13,815 --> 01:10:15,049
to prove you're really here
2070
01:10:15,083 --> 01:10:16,050
to support the community.
2071
01:10:16,084 --> 01:10:17,051
- What?
2072
01:10:17,085 --> 01:10:18,319
- Lionel and his friends
2073
01:10:18,353 --> 01:10:19,586
dropped out of the auction
2074
01:10:19,621 --> 01:10:20,587
and I need you
2075
01:10:20,622 --> 01:10:21,855
and the strip master here
2076
01:10:21,890 --> 01:10:23,124
to get in your boxers
2077
01:10:23,158 --> 01:10:24,392
and let me sell you.
2078
01:10:24,426 --> 01:10:26,160
- Take off my shirt on stage?
2079
01:10:26,194 --> 01:10:27,161
Zack, I'm sorry...
2080
01:10:27,195 --> 01:10:28,429
- This is more important
2081
01:10:28,463 --> 01:10:29,430
than whoever
2082
01:10:29,464 --> 01:10:30,431
you're sleeping with
2083
01:10:30,465 --> 01:10:31,432
or lying to.
2084
01:10:31,466 --> 01:10:32,433
This money helps support
2085
01:10:32,467 --> 01:10:33,434
the Matthew Shepard
2086
01:10:33,468 --> 01:10:34,435
Youth Program,
2087
01:10:34,469 --> 01:10:35,436
the Matthew Shepard
2088
01:10:35,470 --> 01:10:36,437
reading room,
2089
01:10:36,471 --> 01:10:37,438
the Matthew Shepard hotline
2090
01:10:37,472 --> 01:10:38,439
and the Matthew Shepard
2091
01:10:38,473 --> 01:10:40,441
homeless synchronized swim team.
2092
01:10:42,144 --> 01:10:43,444
- Alright,
2093
01:10:43,478 --> 01:10:44,778
finally let's get
2094
01:10:44,813 --> 01:10:47,781
to the prostituting.
2095
01:10:47,816 --> 01:10:50,284
Auctioning.
2096
01:10:50,319 --> 01:10:52,786
Bring out the meat.
2097
01:10:52,821 --> 01:10:54,521
For our first stud
2098
01:10:54,556 --> 01:10:58,192
we have Lionel!
2099
01:11:02,897 --> 01:11:05,199
Casey!
2100
01:11:05,233 --> 01:11:06,367
- Woo, Casey!
2101
01:11:06,401 --> 01:11:07,868
You go boy!
2102
01:11:07,902 --> 01:11:09,036
- Look at his
2103
01:11:09,071 --> 01:11:12,706
rippling muscles and sexy...
2104
01:11:12,740 --> 01:11:13,874
I'm sorry,
2105
01:11:13,908 --> 01:11:15,142
this was for the guy
2106
01:11:15,177 --> 01:11:17,278
we were supposed to have.
2107
01:11:18,981 --> 01:11:23,951
Look at his...personality.
2108
01:11:23,986 --> 01:11:26,120
Casey is an out of towner
2109
01:11:26,154 --> 01:11:27,288
that enjoys
2110
01:11:27,322 --> 01:11:29,290
cruising online for Zack,
2111
01:11:29,324 --> 01:11:30,624
talking about Zack,
2112
01:11:30,658 --> 01:11:33,794
and working at Nail Me Salon.
2113
01:11:33,828 --> 01:11:34,962
Located at
2114
01:11:34,997 --> 01:11:36,464
4255 Hawthorne Lane,
2115
01:11:36,498 --> 01:11:38,466
call for an appointment.
2116
01:11:38,500 --> 01:11:41,135
Take off your shirt!
2117
01:11:41,169 --> 01:11:44,638
Ok, now we're talking.
2118
01:11:44,672 --> 01:11:46,374
Have you ever seen
2119
01:11:46,408 --> 01:11:50,378
such white flesh.
2120
01:11:50,412 --> 01:11:51,545
Ok, let's get
2121
01:11:51,579 --> 01:11:52,713
the bidding started.
2122
01:11:52,747 --> 01:11:53,881
Who's gonna be first?
2123
01:11:53,915 --> 01:11:55,049
50 dollars,
2124
01:11:55,083 --> 01:11:56,550
we got a 50 dollar bid,
2125
01:11:56,584 --> 01:11:57,718
who's gonna give me
2126
01:11:57,752 --> 01:12:00,054
a 50 dollar bid?
2127
01:12:00,088 --> 01:12:01,222
- 10 dollars!
2128
01:12:01,256 --> 01:12:02,490
- Bidding starts at 50,
2129
01:12:02,524 --> 01:12:03,657
bitches.
2130
01:12:03,691 --> 01:12:04,658
- 11!
2131
01:12:04,692 --> 01:12:05,926
- Take off your pants.
2132
01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:06,927
- What?
2133
01:12:06,961 --> 01:12:08,929
- We are desperate here.
2134
01:12:08,963 --> 01:12:10,097
And while
2135
01:12:10,132 --> 01:12:11,098
you're stripping down
2136
01:12:11,133 --> 01:12:12,266
to your beautiful
2137
01:12:12,300 --> 01:12:13,434
Andrew Christian briefs,
2138
01:12:13,468 --> 01:12:14,701
why don't you tell us
2139
01:12:14,736 --> 01:12:17,871
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program
2140
01:12:17,906 --> 01:12:19,173
at the center
2141
01:12:19,207 --> 01:12:21,675
means to you.
2142
01:12:36,058 --> 01:12:37,525
- I used to think
2143
01:12:37,559 --> 01:12:39,026
the center didn't apply to me
2144
01:12:39,061 --> 01:12:40,194
at all.
2145
01:12:40,228 --> 01:12:41,529
I thought it was
2146
01:12:41,563 --> 01:12:43,531
just a bunch of old guys
2147
01:12:43,565 --> 01:12:46,367
looking to get their rocks off.
2148
01:12:46,401 --> 01:12:48,369
But a friend
2149
01:12:48,403 --> 01:12:50,204
forced me to volunteer here
2150
01:12:50,238 --> 01:12:51,372
where I met
2151
01:12:51,406 --> 01:12:54,542
one of these old guys
2152
01:12:54,576 --> 01:12:58,045
face to face.
2153
01:12:58,080 --> 01:13:00,714
Boy, was I wrong.
2154
01:13:00,748 --> 01:13:02,550
He was a caring person,
2155
01:13:02,584 --> 01:13:03,717
emptying his wallet
2156
01:13:03,751 --> 01:13:04,885
and busting his ass
2157
01:13:04,919 --> 01:13:06,053
to make sure
2158
01:13:06,088 --> 01:13:07,221
that people like me
2159
01:13:07,255 --> 01:13:08,389
don't have to go
2160
01:13:08,423 --> 01:13:09,557
through the shit
2161
01:13:09,591 --> 01:13:11,058
that people like him had to.
2162
01:13:11,093 --> 01:13:12,226
And he's just
2163
01:13:12,260 --> 01:13:13,994
one of the dozens of people here
2164
01:13:14,028 --> 01:13:15,162
trying to help
2165
01:13:15,197 --> 01:13:18,665
thousands of kids like me.
2166
01:13:18,700 --> 01:13:20,167
I started this summer
2167
01:13:20,202 --> 01:13:23,337
feeling at odds
2168
01:13:23,371 --> 01:13:25,172
with the gay community
2169
01:13:25,207 --> 01:13:28,509
but now
2170
01:13:28,543 --> 01:13:30,010
I look out at your faces
2171
01:13:30,044 --> 01:13:33,514
and I see a friend
2172
01:13:33,548 --> 01:13:34,681
who will do anything
2173
01:13:34,716 --> 01:13:35,849
to protect the people
2174
01:13:35,883 --> 01:13:37,518
close to her.
2175
01:13:37,552 --> 01:13:38,685
An example for me
2176
01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:41,355
to aspire to.
2177
01:13:41,389 --> 01:13:44,858
A bitch when you need one.
2178
01:13:44,892 --> 01:13:46,193
A family
2179
01:13:46,228 --> 01:13:47,694
that won't let you fail
2180
01:13:47,729 --> 01:13:48,862
even when you've
2181
01:13:48,896 --> 01:13:51,865
already given up on yourself.
2182
01:13:51,899 --> 01:13:53,033
And a leader,
2183
01:13:53,067 --> 01:13:54,301
who can change the way
2184
01:13:54,336 --> 01:13:55,469
we see each other
2185
01:13:55,504 --> 01:13:56,637
and teach us
2186
01:13:56,671 --> 01:13:57,804
about the things
2187
01:13:57,839 --> 01:13:59,540
that really matter.
2188
01:14:01,075 --> 01:14:03,877
And I couldn't be prouder
2189
01:14:03,911 --> 01:14:05,379
to be a part of this.
2190
01:14:05,413 --> 01:14:06,547
- 100 dollars.
2191
01:14:06,581 --> 01:14:08,048
- 200 dollars.
2192
01:14:08,082 --> 01:14:10,050
- 500 dollars.
2193
01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:12,386
- This is an
2194
01:14:12,420 --> 01:14:15,722
unexpected surprise.
2195
01:14:15,757 --> 01:14:17,724
500 dollars,
2196
01:14:17,759 --> 01:14:19,226
we have a 500 dollar bid,
2197
01:14:19,261 --> 01:14:21,228
who's gonna give me 600?
2198
01:14:21,263 --> 01:14:24,231
- 3,200 dollars.
2199
01:14:24,266 --> 01:14:26,567
- What?
2200
01:14:27,602 --> 01:14:31,071
- 3,200 dollars.
2201
01:14:31,105 --> 01:14:32,573
- Not to be rude
2202
01:14:32,607 --> 01:14:33,740
or anything but,
2203
01:14:33,775 --> 01:14:34,908
bitch, do you have
2204
01:14:34,942 --> 01:14:36,076
that kind of money?
2205
01:14:36,110 --> 01:14:37,411
- That's your Italy money.
2206
01:14:37,445 --> 01:14:39,413
- I don't need to go to Italy
2207
01:14:39,447 --> 01:14:41,081
for romance.
2208
01:14:41,115 --> 01:14:43,417
- Sold!
2209
01:14:55,797 --> 01:14:57,931
- Look at that sweet smile,
2210
01:14:57,965 --> 01:15:01,101
you're precious.
2211
01:15:01,135 --> 01:15:02,936
- Ryan1989,
2212
01:15:02,970 --> 01:15:04,104
you are way hotter
2213
01:15:04,138 --> 01:15:05,272
than your pic.
2214
01:15:05,307 --> 01:15:08,275
- I'm so glad I stalked you.
2215
01:15:24,158 --> 01:15:25,392
- It's not as hot
2216
01:15:25,427 --> 01:15:26,560
without your dick
2217
01:15:26,595 --> 01:15:28,028
in the middle.
2218
01:17:28,029 --> 01:17:29,029
Subtitles by LeapinLar
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