Original subtitles

Fellow citizens of the galaxy,

I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you.

I'm being held against my will.

My potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life

is nullified by the ignorant

and cruel indigenous population of earth.

You must save me!

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance.

Mike Pillsbury.

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Come and get me!

The hanzels were a peaceful race.

The were little pink people with long pointy ears,

and they lived on a planet far beyond the milky way...

A planet with two moons and a purple sun.

There was no war, no hunger,

nothing to be ticked off about...

Until the day the jongs attacked.

Thousands of spaceships

bristling with force fields and weapons

surrounded the planet.

The hanzels looked up!

They knew nothing would ever be the same!

They knew most of them would be doomed!

Doomed?

Doomed.

What happened?

The hanzels were unprepared and quickly overrun.

There was blind panic.

The parents tried to save their children...

This is too sad.

It gets worse!

What happened? You can't stop now!

I don't know if you can take it, Jay. This is hard stuff.

Tell it anyway!

They say a person's life flashes before their eyes

before their final moment.

The father thought of his family,

and then...

Where to go? What to do?

Only one thought screamed out in the mother's brain...

Save the baby!

Yes! Yes! Save the baby!

Aw, c'mon, Mike. Is she gonna die?

I told you it was gonna get bad.

You're giving the guy a mental breakdown.

Admit it. It's a good story, isn't it?

He thinks so.

Oh, yeah, sure. What a judge!

He thinks the back of a cereal box is like Shakespeare.

Shut up!

Do they die? The hanzels?

Did you kill 'em?

It's never that simple.

A space pod!

Yes, a space pod.

If the baby was to live,

it had to be sent away to a new home, a new planet.

Where does it land?

Here on earth.

The boy will be adopted and raised as an earthling.

But... he'll never really feel at home.

Never... never feel like he belongs.

He'll never feel as though this is the place

he was meant to spend his life.

I'll tell you something...

You take this being weird thing

entirely too seriously.

Why don't you just accept the fact

that you're a normal human being like everyone else?

All right. All right.

Mike! Let's go!

Mike, c'mon. We've got to get to the field by four.

All right. One second, dad.

Easy for him to say.

Well, he was on the team when he was a kid.

Yeah, and guys like Scott schriebner probably ran him over then

just like they do to you now.

He says it's discipline... Competitive spirit.

He says it'll be good for my character.

Aaah!

Great defense work, pillsbury!

Tell me, is the idea that the oncoming tackle trips over you?

In the excitement i missed that, schriebner. Did he?

No! You missed him. They got a first down!

[ Cheerleaders cheering ]

Come on!

And get your mind off the cheerleaders, pillsbury.

For you, that's a lost cause.

Let's go!

Nash is in the huddle...

And he calls it.

Steps back in the pocket...

Looking for his man...

It's a long toss down the center of the field.

Heavy coverage.

And an interception!

Number 11! Mike pillsbury?

He's going to the 30!

The 15!

He's doubling back!

He's going the wrong way!

This is bad, right?

Isn't he going the wrong way?

Pillsbury, stop!

You idiot! You're running the wrong way!

He's down at the ten!

Come on, guys. Let's get down there.

What's wrong?

What planet are you from?

No! Don't let them get me!

They want my brain!

They want my brain!

I think they already took it.

How's he doing? Is he gonna be all right?

Ok, let's go.

Is he dead?

Can I have his cd collection?

Aw, he's not dead. Are you, son?

No, you're not. And you'll learn from your mistakes.

We're awfully proud of you, Mike.

While that cannot be overemphasized, Mike,

you'll never claim your varsity jacket

by trying to score touchdowns for the other team.

Remember the three ls.

Listen, look, learn. Huh?

Good luck, fellow. We love you.

Make a correction 27 degrees west, 35 degrees north.

Mike?

Mike! Honey?

Mike, can I get a little air time here?

Oh, yeah. Sure, mom.

Cancel correction.

No. Not yet.

Ok, we've got it vectored. I see a picture.

Now is he seeing the same image I am?

Good.

Well, ok, but before you patch him through

let's make sure we're on the same page with this, ok?

Yeah. Yeah.

No. It's nothing that subtitles won't solve.

Ok. Well, put him through.

Hi, sweetie.

Hello. This is Pamela.

Gerhardt, are you enjoying octoberfest?

How's your head?

You're inquiring about my welfare?

Just the health of your head.

What do you want, Jill?

I could've guessed.

Come on. I need to pass this computer class.

What is a BIOS service routine?

A BIOS service routine is nothing more than an interrupt handler.

Basically, pcs are controlled by the use of interrupts.

When an interrupt occurs,

control of the computer is transferred

to an interrupt handling subroutine process

that's often stored in the system's rom.

A BIOS service routine.

Are you sure?

Does a tesseract exist in four dimensions?

You are definitely from another planet.

Fantastic.

Ok. Rise and shine, at&t.

And how are we today?

[ Oinking ]

Mike!

Mike, are you in there?

Huh?

I just went from stocks to stockyards.

What gives?

Oh, sorry.

I needed the extra ram for a little programming project.

I'm using this new graphics card that I tweaked a bit,

and now it just eats up memory like a gulper eel.

Oh.

Son, you need more fresh air.

I'm gonna climb out from under the office,

and we're gonna practice some football moves, huh?

Ah, dad...

Dad, ah...

I don't know about football anymore.

Maybe it's not for me.

Mike, I don't want to hear the word "can't."

Did I say can't?

I have faith in you.

You can do anything you put your mind to.

Including running down the field as a halfback.

Hopefully, in the right direction.

Thanks, dad. I know, but i just don't think...

No, no. No buts about it.

Anything, Mike. That's the word for the day.

Anything.

Ok. Anything.

Anything.

So how about running off those farm animals

and giving me back my stock market?

Sure.

Ooh!

Amazing. A physical reaction.

He's alive.

Scott schriebner, big man on campus.

Muscles, good-looking athlete, computer whiz...

How perfect can a guy get?

Oh, it's nauseating.

Too bad he's a perfect jerk.

Everybody, boot up!

Ms. nickerson?

There's a seat here for you, if you want.

No, thanks

no one sitting here?

No.

Open your textbooks to page 268, paragraph 5.

Now, please.

Are you gonna let him get away with that?

Yes! Do it, Mike.

Make him suffer.

[ Beeping ]

You have mail.

Class, it appears that i have to attend to something in the office.

If you'll excuse me?

Now for the coup de grace.

[ Oinking ]

[ Laughter ]

It's your head.

Nice going, buddy.

As cruel and wicked as the jong were,

they were not without friends.

The mantrix, who resembled overgrown sewer rats,

were their allies.

Rats? Eeuuw!

On orders from the jongs,

the mantrix invaded.

Not from the sky,

but from the ground under our feet.

Whoa!

The intruders were unarmed

except for the nasty mucous glands in their pointed snouts.

They slimed us into submission.

That is so nasty!

With everything else you've stuffed in this place,

you'd think you'd have installed a stupid phone.

It's designed for privacy.

You've got a visitor. Katelyn... somebody.

Yeah, right.

You wish, Mike.

Fine. Be that way. I don't care.

Oh, she's waiting in your room.

Man, your sister has a sick sense of humor.

Right. Like Katelyn sandman's gonna come to my house

and wait in my room.

Yeah. And Scott schriebner's on his way

to ask for your advice on how to be a better football player.

[ Laughing ]

But you're an interesting person.

What if she really is there?

Waiting for a story?

A story. [ Laughing ]

Hi.

Hey.

It's like Frankenstein's lab in here.

Did you build all these?

It's kind of what i do in my spare time.

When you're not playing football.

I'm better at stuff when I'm on my own.

The whole team thing kind of confuses me, I guess.

I noticed.

What does this do?

This? Ah, it's a transmitter.

Kind of.

It takes digitalized data right through here...

Like anything from a computer...

And it sends it out instantly.

Zap! Right out into space

to the farthest reaches of the universe.

Beyond time and imagination.

Wow! How'd you think of that?

Thinking of it's easy.

Making it work seems to be a bit more complicated.

Sure looks like it'd work.

So, uh, why're you here?

Oh, the prank you pulled in nickerson's class was brilliant.

That got me thinking...

About what?

Well, I'm doing the decorations for the Halloween dance,

and I don't have a huge budget or anything,

but I know if I just put up orange crepe paper, it'll be a dud.

So I want something new...

Something hi-tech, creative.

You're the man to help me do it.

The man?

I am? Me?

Wow! I'm...

The... the man.

Yeah. Well, why not?

Definitely. Absolutely.

So that means yes?

Yes!

You're a genius.

It's gonna work!

We make such a great team.

Who'd have thought?

What do you mean?

What's so surprising about it?

I don't know. You're... you know,

Katelyn sandman, head cheerleader and everything.

And I'm just Mike pillsbury.

You know, for being such a genius,

you sure are an idiot.

Some people say you tell great stories.

When are you gonna tell me one?

No, no, no, no. That's nothing.

It's just stuff I tell my friend's little brother

to pass the time.

Well, I've got some time now.

Ok.

Our spaceship was over a mile long and half that wide.

It was built for a long journey.

The adults always looked ahead for a safe voyage,

and behind for the evil...

Schriebner.

Been looking all over for you, Katelyn.

A bunch of us are on our way out for something to eat.

You wanna come?

Yeah, sure. Let's take a break.

Come on. You must be hungry.

Did I invite him?

I don't think so.

Hey, who said I'd go with you anyway, schriebner?

I'm busy, you know.

I don't have time like you to stuff myself

with some greasy hamburger.

But you know what? Go ahead.

Put on a few. Clog up your arteries.

Graduate from halfback to fullback.

Shut up, pillsbury.

What are you doing with this guy?

And what is all this junk?

Hey, it's not junk. Ok?

And it's all under control without you.

Hey, hey.

Tell everyone I say hi.

Ok?

Nothing like the dreaded schriebner to get your blood boiling, huh?

What?

Nothing.

Nothing. Just schriebner...

I would have thought you'd have gone...

But... but you didn't.

Forget it.

I should probably stop speaking right now.

Oh, I agree. You should stop speaking.

You know, strangely enough, I'm hungry.

You know, strangely enough, so am I.

Let's go.

All right.

Wooo!

Shut up.

Katelyn ropes pillsbury into help on this stupid dance,

and all of a sudden he's got a swelled head.

Time to cut him down to size if you ask me.

And I think I know how.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, great tuxedo!

Thanks.

I've seen it all.

He's soldering his cummerbund.

Shut up.

Kids, please.

You know, your mother and i realized something.

In all the chaos of our day-to-day life,

we never sent you to dance lessons.

Dad, I don't...

Now this is a little something that I distributed

to a chain of stations throughout the canary islands

and for closed circuit on cruise ships.

Ten... easy... lessons!

Oh, boy.

Ooh, lights on a cummerbund.

Do you like it?

Pretty nifty.

Mike! Mike, where are you?

Katelyn, I'm here. I'm here.

Quick, we don't have much time. Let's go.

It will only take a minute to boot up.

Ok.

Mike, before all this begins,

I just want to say that i had so much fun doing this with you.

Me too.

So, can you put this thing on autopilot

so we have a chance to dance?

Actually, that's just a matter of two keystrokes.

Ok. Hurry.

All right.

Testing. Testing.

Testing. Testing. Testing.

Ok, this speaker is on six right.

All right. That should be ok.

We're ready.

Everybody, come on in.

Welcome, everyone!

Welcome to the ashby annual Halloween dance.

A moment before we begin...

Quiet. Quiet, please.

This production was brought to you

by Mike pillsbury starfield intergalactic communications

and entertainment corporation!

That's me.

As well as the talented and inspirational Katelyn sandman,

who first came up with the idea

that orange crepe paper just wouldn't make it.

And now, let the games begin.

Push the button! Oh, please push the button!

Mike, what's happening?

I don't know what's wrong.

Mike?

I can't stop it!

I don't know what's wrong!

Don't!

Don't!

Mike, no...

Fellow citizens of the galaxy,

I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you.

I'm being held against my will.

My potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life

is nullified by the ignorant

and cruel indigenous population of earth.

You must save me!

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance.

Mike pillsbury.

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Come and get me!

Will someone just listen for once?

Dana: Ok, let's look at the positive.

Insurance will cover the destroyed satellite dish.

You're still alive.

Pamela: And none of the kids at the dance were hurt. Right?

Mike: I just can't face anybody.

Dana: Mike, you're overreacting.

Excuse me. It's good that he suffers.

This family is now reduced to a paltry choice

of ordinary network programming.

That's true, but somehow i know we'll survive.

Mike, I want you to get right back up on that horse!

Put on those pants, brush those teeth,

go back to school.

That's it, hon.

Your varsity jacket awaits.

Absolutely.

Yeah, the least you can do is help me with my homework.

"The speed of train a is 12 miles an hour slower than train b.

Train a..."

I've lost my will to solve.

Sorry.

Um...

What?

Nothing.

What the...?

Hey...

Where did you come from?

How did you get in here, boy?

Please don't touch!

My people are a superior race,

and we abhor casual contact with primitives!

You talk?!

Through my translating device, yes.

This is not happening.

My mind has finally snapped.

I'm afraid you're quite sane

and gifted with an abundant intelligence.

You do talk.

Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to open the door.

Door?

The Stargate.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am barnabus.

From the star system puppis.

Oh, boy.

I represent a galactarian organization...

Disaster relief, rights violations.

Non-profit, of course.

I'm hallucinating.

If you'll excuse me, i think I'll go lie down.

That's impossible, Mike pillsbury. We have to go.

Go? Where?

Off this planet.

Off this planet?

That was your intention, wasn't it?

When you sent the message?

You got it.

Of course. And the longer we delay the departure,

the more complex it all becomes.

Well, I really appreciate you coming all this way and all,

but I don't believe you exist!

I gotta go!

Mike pillsbury, you were the one who pleaded

that you were trapped on an oppressive planet.

How did you get down here?

Don't delay, Mike pillsbury.

Others from all over the galaxy

are travelling through the gate to find you.

They won't have your best interest at heart.

Excuse me.

Please! Trust no one but me!

Be ready to leave the next time I see you.

I'm delirious!

Or maybe I'm just hungry.

What stinks?

Uuugh!

Aaaaaah!

I'm dreaming! I'm dreaming!

I'm... I'm...

Not dreaming!

What are you?

I am the bom,

your new best friend.

You need my help, Mike pillsbury.

I have come to handle your case.

Case? What case?

I can get you millions in galactic credits!

You will be taken care of for life!

Shall we go?

Well... I...

[ Phone rings ] Huhhhh!

Excuse me.

Hello.

Mike? It's Katelyn.

Katelyn? Uh, wha...

Uh, what a surprise. I thought you... we...

What's up?

I wanted to apologize.

We need to lighten up.

We're taking this too hard.

Yes. Right. We've got to lighten up.

I can do that.

I'm so sorry. It seems we can't even talk to each other.

Things have gotten so out of hand.

Uugh!

But what happened wasn't your fault.

Disgusting!

Mike?

I'm here. Sorry...

What were you saying?

I was saying that I haven't been very fair to you.

And I wanted to get past this and move ahead.

You know, you're a great guy.

Uuugh!

Mike?

Mike?

Mike, are you there?

Mike? Mike?

Oh, that stinks!

What are you talking about?

Stop it!

What?

No! No, no, no, it's not you!

Mike, you're not making this any easier.

It's... ah... a plumber!

Yeah, the bathroom's all backed up. It's...

Gross.

Yeah.

I wanted to say that I miss you.

And I hope there's some way that we can be friends again.

I think we had something special going on.

The more I think of what happened,

the funnier it is to me and the less I care.

So, what do you say?

Oh, that's nauseating!

Mike, are you listening to me?

Sorry, sorry. Uh...

Go on, Katelyn.

Well, I wanted to know if we could start over?

But I don't get the feeling that you're paying attention to me at all.

What's happening over there?

Uuugh!

Oooh! Aaaah!

I'm gonna be sick!

Forget I called!

You ruined my phone call!

That was delicious!

Do you have any more?

No!

Oh. Well, perhaps it'll make you feel better to know

that I am what you earthlings call a lawyer.

What?

Perhaps it will make you feel better to know you have an open-and-shut case

against the earth's government.

What are you talking about?

Lawsuit, my dear boy.

The intergalactic statute is black and white.

No life form of superior intelligence

shall be subject to exposure to substandard environmental,

psychological, or emotional life circumstance.

In short, we can sue the pants off of planet earth.

No. No, no, no. I don't want to sue anybody.

See, I was upset and I had this idea that I'd call for help,

but I never thought...

You never thought what?

I never thought you guys would really come.

Well, we did.

And no one will offer you a better fee structure than myself.

Well, sorry, but...

But, no.

You think you're sorry now?

Wait till you hear from my lawyers!

I'm suing you for wasting my time!

Uuugh!

Ok, what's the big surprise?

Hey. Come on in.

Uuugh, who barfed?

Oh, no, no, no. It's not barf.

See? It's an emission.

From whose nose?

Oh, no, no. He got my message.

See, I had a visitor.

He called himself a bom.

He was an alien.

Oh, and there's barnabus.

He looks like a dog but he's not a dog.

He's an alien too.

He had this...

Ha ha ha ha!

What?

What?

You puked up your room and now you've got to make up a story.

It's not a story! Come on. He was here.

He used a Stargate.

Oh, that's an original.

Yeah, yeah. It looked just like a drain pipe.

Just right out of there.

A drain pipe.

Yeah.

Yeah!

I'm not lying. It's the truth.

Come on. You've gotta believe me.

You've got me worried, man.

It's gotten so bad that you can't tell the difference

between real life and your own imagination.

No, no, Nick. Come on. Give me some slack.

I wouldn't make this up.

Come on, Nick. Don't go!

I'll see you guys tomorrow, ok?

And we'll make some plans for next weekend.

Thanks for helping us.

Thanks.

Bye.

Mike pillsbury, i don't mean to nag,

but we've really got to go.

I can't just take off on a spaceship for some distant planet.

I freaked out at sleep-away camp.

Sorry.

Mike pillsbury, I don't understand you.

Why are you walking off?

Why don't we need to talk?

That doesn't make any sense.

You send out a galactic-wide call for help

without having thought it through?

I-i-I'm sorry.

Kids feel desperate sometimes.

Then I got some talking dog

and some slime bucket alien lawyer...

I don't even know how this happened.

What lawyer?

He said he was a bom.

The bom! The bom was here already?!

Oh, I was afraid of this.

Mike pillsbury, you have opened up a can of worms!

A can of worms?

When you sent out your call,

you also signaled to the universe

that this planet has advanced

to a certain technological level.

That's good!

That's bad.

Because of what you've done,

earth no longer falls under the intergalactic protection

for primitive life.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.

The whole thing was an accident.

Lightning hit the dish.

I don't even know how it really worked, ok?

But it did.

And no one will believe that you have no control over it.

I can see what your life has become.

You're disgusted, fed-up with people.

I can take you to a place where you can be yourself,

be by yourself.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

But first I have to tie up some loose ends.

I'd like to say good-bye to someone, if you don't mind.

The girl?

If you must.

I'll return when you're ready.

Katelyn! Could I talk to you for a minute?

Katelyn?

I tried calling you to make things right and you were rude.

No, no, no. That wasn't me!

You were rude and disgusting.

I'm sorry, but...

I don't understand how you could come here!

What could you possibly want?

A second chance.

Please?

I'll be down in a second

but, Mike, this is your last chance.

How do you do?

I wonder if you could spare a few moments of your time?

I have an interesting proposition for you.

I would like to be your agent

and represent you for all media

throughout the galaxy, Mike pillsbury.

Ha ha! Excuse me.

Let her go!

What did you do?

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

We need to go somewhere more a...

Private.

Let me go!

Not until you hear my proposition.

Sorry I had to do that.

You know, I just love a captive audience.

Going up!

So, the story is classic.

Young boy, gifted with superior intelligence

but alone in life,

reaches out.

He's carried to another world where he must start anew!

An emigrant of galactic proportions!

Your character will be a unique creature

carving out a new life on a world

light years from his home!

Will he return? Will he find love?

Redemption? All stories must have redemption...

Stop it!

Huh?

All right. What do you want?

If we marry with the proper creative elements,

I think you life has a good chance of being a springboard

for a weekly series!

There's no end to the episodes...

Ahhhhhhh! What are you talking about?

Predicaments, twists and turns,

fish out of water,

boy away from home...

And I love the emotional levels.

Of course, it's not worth anything without emotion.

It's gotta hit here it hurts!

Mike, could we talk...

Will you shut up!

That's what I like to see.

Feisty!

You'll need that for this business, kid.

I happen to have papers...

An option, you know,

to protect my own time and energy...

Ahhh!

Ow! Ow! Not the eyes! Watch it!

Ow! Oooh! Ouch! Ouch!

You're messing everything up!

Will you put me back on the porch?

Stop that or I'll fictionalize!

Ow!

Well. If you feel that way about it!

Mike?

Katelyn!

Katelyn!

Mike, honey, aren't you hungry?

You haven't eaten a thing.

Mom? Dad?

Would you tell me if I were adopted?

Is everything all right?

You look stressed out.

Well, would you?

You're not adopted.

Even if you were adopted, we would love you just as much.

If?

You're not adopted.

He's not adopted.

You told me he's adopted.

Jill, stop it.

Sure you did. Admit it.

The guy came from another planet and you took him in.

Jill!

Right away they took you to a plastic surgeon

to get rid of your antennae.

Jill, what do we say about empathy?

Ok.

Well, could I have been switched at the hospital?

Sure.

It's entirely possible.

In fact, the day you were born

the hospital was inundated with ugly babies.

Jill.

They couldn't tell one from another.

Jill, please.

He's going through separation anxiety.

The classic adolescent struggle to pull away from one's parents.

Mike, honey...

Why would you think you were switched at birth?

I will be happy to show you your birth certificate.

And, yes, you are a human being.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Hey, Mike!

Mike, it's me, Nick.

Remember me?

Oh, hey! Sorry.

You're a wreck.

Well, it's been hard to sleep with everything that's been going on.

What's been going on?

Aliens.

Oh, aliens.

Come on, I told you.

Have I ever told you about my uncle Luther?

He was convinced that a martian

took up residence in the tank of his toilet.

That's entirely possible.

Yeah, but if everyone else looked in the toilet tank

and saw plumbing,

what does that make uncle Luther?

I'm not crazy.

You need a vacation.

Hang in there.

Thanksgiving's not that far away.

By that time, it'll probably be light years.

Have you heard anything I've said about the value of reality?

Cut to the chase!

You need a friend, pillsbury,

to tell you you're making a terrible mistake

in leaving planet earth.

'Cause I'd like to give you the exclusive franchise

to market the one, the only, jarmonica.

What does it do, you may ask?

You can slice with it,

you can dice with it,

you can grate any vegetable in the known universe.

Don't let him dice you up.

The point is to dice someone else up.

Make someone pay!

Hey, the show is just beginning!

We'll diversity into merchandising!

You'll be the earth's primary franchisee!

Silk screened t-shirts!

Your face on breakfast cereal boxes!

Wanna go out on a date?

It would be lots of fun!

It must be contagious!

I've lost my mind.

Just like you.

We'd have a great time!

Let's cruise Andromeda!

Your signature would ratify our agreement.

Please sign, sign, sign.

You'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams!

Ha ha ha! Huh huh huh!

I can't believe it!

I'm just one big opportunity for you!

Yeah.

Huh?

Well, isn't that more than what you have here on earth?

Now, you said no one cares.

I care.

There's no reason we can't include a clause

calling for biannual audits

to protect your interest.

We're not leaving until we get an answer.

Just remember, coming with me would be a big blast!

Don't try to interfere with my client!

Your client?

Pillsbury is my client!

Don't listen to old salad head over there.

I just can't wait to show Mikey the galaxies!

Barnabus, where are you?

Come on, Mike.

Nick: This is insane. You can't do this.

Come on. At least wait until your parents get back.

Come on, Mike. Don't go through with this.

Mike? Mike!

The aliens are right. I have to face this.

I was never meant to live here.

At least in another world, i can make a new life.

I think this is yours.

Thank you.

You drive me crazy!

First, you make more sense than anybody I've ever known in my life,

and then you don't make any sense at all.

I'm sorry. I've had a lot on my mind and...

In a few minutes I'll be leaving for another planet.

Oh. Another planet.

You are too much!

Look. There's a group of aliens in my backyard,

and all I have to do is close a deal and I'm off.

I wish I could tell you he was a lunatic.

What else could he be?

Katelyn...

I'm sorry about the dance.

Well, I'm sorry too.

For a while you gave me a feeling

that no one else ever did.

What was that?

That I belonged here.

Good-bye, Katelyn.

Ok, guys, let's work it out.

Who's it gonna be?

Who's the lucky alien today?

Have a look at that!

I think you'll find it's very well thought out

and covers all the points we discussed.

That's the certificate of authorship!

It's ironclad!

Don't worry!

It'll be fun, Mikey!

My parents would just die.

And don't forget, Mike pillsbury,

I can make you and your sidekick there

household names throughout the known galaxies!

And my fee... well, only a small 30% of your earnings.

Ignore this charlatan!

Sign with me and you'll be making the universe a better place.

Bringing the joys of the one, the only, jarmonica

to billions of beings.

I don't even know what a jarmonica is!

Why, it's your future, Mike pillsbury.

You would be wise, young pillsbury,

to have me broker

any deals you make with those two.

Or anyone else,

for your own protection, of course.

Whatta ya say?

I resent that!

Can't we all just get along?

Mike pillsbury!

Barnabus, where have you been?

A refugee disaster near Alpha centauri.

Very nasty.

A talking dog...

Oh, my gosh!

You must listen to me...

You'll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

Mike? Katelyn.

I wanted to make sure you're ok.

A thoad! Run for the hills!

Oh, never mind!

What...

What was that?

Aliens?

From all over the galaxy.

Uncle Luther was right.

We should have listened.

Why did they run?

A thoad!

The worst worm is about to crawl out of the can

you opened up, Mike pillsbury.

He'll find the choicest specimens and snatch them.

And then he'll tell his friends.

More and more thoads will come,

and more and more specimens will be snatched.

It's always my fault! I can't stand it!

I never thought the thing would work!

If the beam was truly a result of an accident

and not superior intelligence,

we could appeal the case.

I think we're out of time!

What do we do?

Leave! Now!

Mike, what is this? It's great!

Jay!

This is so cool!

Jay, come down!

Aaaah!

Jay!

Aaaaaaaah!

Oh, gosh!

Jay!

Jay!

Jay!

Jay?

He's gone through the gate.

The thoad has him.

We've got to do something!

Call the police!

Yeah. Call the police.

Police? The thoad is back on his home planet now.

It would take an army to catch him.

He's completely safe as long as he never leaves his home world.

We can't do anything?

This is just the start.

I don't think he meant to take the little boy.

He'll come back and take more and more

until he finds the perfect specimen for his collection.

The perfect specimen?

I've got an idea.

What are you thinking of?

A plan.

[ Muffled grunting ]

No, schriebner! It's me... Nick.

What! What do you want, dweeb?

Mike sent me. He knows you sabotaged the program for the dance.

He wants to call you out right now.

You've got to be kidding me.

No, man. He's waiting.

Katelyn's with him.

This ought to be a real joke.

So, send in the nerds.

I should prepare you, Scott schriebner,

for the task that lies ahead.

You are about to see things

that will be difficult for your small earthling mind to comprehend.

What...?

Wait a minute.

This is you, pillsbury, isn't it?

Trying to play some trick on me?

Is somebody taping this?

We're not joking.

Scott, I see you've got barnabus.

He's here to help us.

How do you do?

He looks like a dog but he's not a dog.

Right.

We need your help.

I thought you were calling me out.

Nick didn't think you were dumb enough to fall for it,

but I did.

Hey, watch it, pillsbury!

Hey, can you two get past it?

Grow up, huh?

All right, all right.

What do you want?

You will help us get through the Stargate

leading to the thoad planet.

Where they have my little brother Jay.

He was abducted by the thoad.

Thoad?

Oh, it's an alien.

Kind of like an intergalactic poacher.

We need you to...

We need you to be the bait.

What?!

Even if I did believe you,

why would I do that?

Because...

Because you were born to be a hero.

Because we're on the same football team?

And because we're on the same side, same school.

Same town, same planet.

And because...

Because...

Because I dare you!

You're not scared, are you?

No way!

Then let's go.

Ok.

Ok, ok. Suppose I play along with this...

What do I have to do, exactly?

Just be yourself.

What does that mean?

It means just be...

Perfect.

No sweat.

Abducted by aliens? Sure, you wish.

Uh-oh.

There's a plan, Scott. Trust me.

Come on.

This doesn't look so friendly.

The thoad senses your presence, Scott.

It senses your perfection.

You know, I'm not really all that perfect.

I mean, compared to pillsbury, maybe,

but I've got a lot of faults.

Really.

Now! Before it's too late!

Barnabus, what is this place?

The thoad calls it a zoo,

but I believe you'd call it a prison.

Is it watching us?

I expect so.

We'd better keep going.

Hey, pillsbury, big joke.

I'm still here. Nothing's happened.

I was right.

Try not to worry. Mike'll get us out of here.

Out of where?

Hey, why is it still light out?

Where am I?

That appears to be some kind of master control for the cages

cages?

Where's Scott?

He is the specimen the thoad needs.

By now I'm sure he's forever ensconced.

Ensconced?

What does that mean in English?

You guys! Look!

The xgonearks are natives of the solar system betelgeuse.

Their organic chemistry is silicon based.

Oh, my gosh! It's...

The hanzels are natives of the star system pegasi.

They are a gentle people

with a long history of peaceful cooperation.

They're just like in your story, Mike.

How did you know?

I don't know.

Scott... Jay...

I bet they're in a cage just like this.

I'm afraid so.

We'll get you out! I promise!

Ok?

Come on. We gotta go.

I can't believe this!

Transported to another planet...

And my worst nightmare...

Stuck in pillsbury's backyard forever.

I don't know how to get out.

Try not to worry so much.

Mike'll find a way to get us out.

We're depending on pillsbury?

How did I get myself into this?

Have you ever heard Mike's story

of a planet where people are called hanzels?

Let's try this way.

Guys!

Scott!

Jay! Scott! Jay!

This is really creepy.

They can't hear us!

At least Jay isn't alone, so he won't be so afraid.

We must act quickly!

Maybe I could break this glass!

Maybe we don't need to break it.

Maybe there's a way to open it instead.

The thoad must have a key.

Very astute.

My specimens need my care and protection.

Security is all important.

You're the thoad?

I am indeed.

You were expecting someone much more...

Intimidating?

I assure you our reputation is wholely undeserved.

I only came to help the pillsbury,

as he requested.

No. You took Jay! He's only a little kid!

I did indeed.

And I seem to be in possession of still another young human.

Oh, but don't worry.

They will be quite pampered.

And their lifespans will be infinitely longer here

than they would be on dangerous old earth.

After all, this is a...

Sanctuary, not a prison.

They deserve to be back home with their own kind!

You, of all people, should talk, pillsbury.

At any rate, I'll soon have enough specimens

to make sure that they will never be lonely.

You have no right...

I have all the rights I need!

You gave them to me, pillsbury!

But, enough talk.

I want to thank you for becoming part of my collection.

You will be my very first puppian.

And you, miss...

Aaaah!

The plan, Mike! What's the plan?

The plan was to get us in here.

Now the plan is to improvise!

So the little baby hanzel got adopted by earth parents.

He was smart. Really smart.

But he never felt like he belonged.

He never felt that he had any friends.

Kinda sounds like Mike made it up about himself, doesn't it?

Yeah... kinda.

Here! In here!

Hurry up, guys! Go!

I know you're in here.

Come on out!

Come on out, pillsbury!

Maybe we could discuss this?

Where are the others?

Actually, right behind you.

Aaaah!

It won't hold him long!

The key!

Yes! Just get the key!

Guys, I got the key!

Come on!

Mike, what about Scott and Jay?

I've got to do this first.

There's got to be a place for this key.

Maybe the cages open from the back.

I know how this works.

Go on. You're free.

Come on.

Here it is!

Hey, Jay! Are you guys ok?

Wait. Barnabus, how do we get back?

We must go back through the thoad gate.

I think it's this way!

Mike? Mike, why are you stopping?

Come on!

There's one more thing I have to do.

Where's Mike?

And barnabus?

Wasn't he right behind us?

What if something happened?

Mike! Hey, are you ok?

We did it!

Wait! Wait!

Why isn't the Stargate disappearing?

Oh, no! You can't close a Stargate if...

If there's someone or something still traveling in it, right?

Too late, I'm afraid.

Hell hath no fury like a thoad scorned!

I'd better contact the police.

[ Beeping ]

[ Busy signal ]

Come on, come on.

What's wrong?

The line is busy!

It's a dangerous universe!

I'll keep trying.

Mike, you stall him!

Stall him?

You've freed my entire collection!

And now you're going to pay!

We have to hold out

until the intergalactic police arrive!

Excuse me, Mr. thoad, sir.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You know, you're a big creep

walking around scaring little kids.

Well, I have news for you, sir...

On this planet, we eat frog legs!

Aaaah!

Hang on! Hang on!

Don't let him go!

Hold on, Mike!

Barnabus, help us!

[ Barking ]

[ Siren ]

All right, thoad, hold it right there!

Come where I can see you!

Just in time, officer!

I've got hundreds of warrants against you, buddy!

Come on! Move!

Is he ok?

I think so.

Barnabus, I didn't know you could bark.

I didn't know, either.

Sometimes you have to act a little primitive

if it will help a friend.

Thanks, barnabus.

Don't mention it.

Don't move! And put your appendages behind your back!

Don't say a word.

Admit nothing.

Did he read you your rights?

Was he too rough?

Not rough enough?

Tell me things. Tell me.

[ Whistle ]

All right, boys and girls,

time for an explanation,

and it better be good!

It will, officer.

Of that, I can assure you.

Hey, Mike.

We really do make a great team.

Huh, Mike?

Yeah.

One of you care to tell me what happened here?

Barnabus!

Hello, Mike.

I just stopped by to let you know

the federation handed down its ruling.

Your initial transmission is being deemed accidental,

and earth is classified again

as a protected planet under federation statutes.

That's a relief.

I guess the world is saved.

And the thoad is been sentenced to serve two eons

in a federation penitentiary.

His hostages have been returned to their home planets.

And the hanzel?

He's safe and grateful for all you did.

All's well that ends well,

as the saying goes.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you for everything, barnabus.

Well, there is one bit of unfinished business.

You.

It's not too late for you to come home with me.

To your planet?

I know you would be happy.

So would I.

I don't think so, barnabus.

Earth is my home,

and even though it doesn't always feel like it,

I guess it's where I belong.

Many here who feel out of place

point their heads down.

But not you, Mike pillsbury.

You look to the stars.

Remarkable.

If you wish, you may scratch me behind the ears.

Hmmm. Mmmm.

Yeah. That was delightful.

You know, Mike pillsbury,

you've shown me there's something to be said

for the right kind of personal contact.

I will attempt to convince my people.

Farewell.

Good-bye, barnabus.

I'll never forget you.

Barnabus!

Barnabus, I...

Thanks.

Pillsbury, let's get out there and play some football!

Give it everything you've got!

That's my boy!

I guess I am.

Pillsbury, why do you stay on the team?

Well, believe it or not, schriebner,

it's where I belong.

You know what? I'm gonna prove it to you.

Dream on, pillsbury.

Dream on.

I will dream on, schriebner.

You bet I will.

Pillsbury, pillsbury, he's our man!

If he can't do it, no one can!

Go, Mike!

Go, Mike!