Original subtitles

- Dad says you told him you're going

to write a book about a movie star, Mr. Wilson.

Are you?

- That's right.

The deal isn't set yet, but--

- Oh, boy.

Which movie star you going to write about?

Laurel and Hardy?

Yogi Bear?

I'd love to read about them.

- No.

No, Dennis.

I'm going to do the life and loves of Miss Norma Lamont.

- Who?

- Well, here's a picture of her.

She's been retired for several years now, but in her day,

she was quite a siren.

- A siren? - Yeah.

- Do you mean she went-- [shrieking]?

- No.

No, no.

No Dennis, I didn't mean that at all.

I mean she always played the role of the temptress.

Uh, of the seductress.

The-- the vampire?

- Oh, the vampire.

I saw that on television.

Boy, she came zooming into the castle dressed like a bat,

and she bit Boris Karloff in the neck.

- Oh, no.

That wasn't Miss Lamont.

- And then she zoomed out again.

Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom--

- Zoom, zoom.

[theme music]

- And I'm going to write to Miss Lamont

and tell her I want $1,000 to do her memoirs.

- Good.

She'll probably pay it without a whimper.

- Listen to this, I have read all your articles

and can tell you are a young and vigorous author

with a youthful point of view.

[chuckling] And only a young man can understand and truly write

the story of Norma Lamont.

- I'm glad this collaboration is going to be a long distance

one, with her in New York and you here.

- Yes, well, she's going to send me a copy of her files,

and-- why are you glad?

- Because I couldn't trust my young, charming husband

with a glamorous actress.

- Oh, no.

Now, you have nothing to worry about.

- Oh.

- Oh, well, here now.

Look at that picture.

Now, you can't call that face glamorous.

- That's not so bad, John.

She must have been very beautiful.

- Oh.

Well, if I just put a beard on this,

she'd be the spitting image of, uh-- General Grant.

There.

Now, who does that look like?

- That's General Grant?

[doorbell]

- I'll get it.

It's a special delivery for you.

- Oh?

Who's it from?

- From General Grant herself.

- Oh.

Oh, let's see that.

Dear Mr. Wilson, I have a wonderful surprise.

Instead of mailing the material for my book,

I'm going to bring it to you.

- Bring it?

- I'm flying out of the coast, so thought

I'd stop over with you for a couple of hours

Saturday afternoon.

- That's today.

- She's coming here to see me?

But she can't.

I mean, Louise-- Louise, what am I going to do?

- Now, John.

John, dear, don't get so upset.

Everything will be all right.

- Yes, but she's expecting a much younger man.

When she sees how old I am, I won't get to do it.

- Oh, now, John dear, you don't look so old.

For your age.

- Hm, I wonder.

Well, it isn't impossible.

Yes, by George, I'll do it.

- Hi, Mr. Krinkie.

- Well, hello there, boys. - How's the newspaper business?

- Slow, Dennis.

You boys got any news for me today?

- The only news I know is that I passed

my arithmetic test yesterday.

- We both passed, and boy, that's big news at my house.

- Sounds like a page one story to me.

Anything else?

- Well, there's some news at Mr. Wilson's house.

Mrs. Wilson just told us a movie actress

is coming to see him today.

- Yeah, her name's Norma Lamont, or something like that.

- Norma Lamont?

She's pretty famous.

What's she coming to see Wilson for?

- He's gonna write a book about her.

- Thanks a lot, boys.

That's a real scoop.

- If that's a scoop, I guess that makes us reporters, huh?

- It certainly does.

- How much do reporters make?

- Oh.

Well, I usually pay my men, uh, $0.10 apiece.

There you are.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Krinkie.

- Boy. Thanks, Mr. Krinkie.

Boy, Dennis. That was quick thinking.

- You gotta think quick in the newspaper business, Tommy.

- And I'm here on this errand for a friend of mine,

sort of a favor, you see.

- Yes, what may I do for you, sir?

- Well, he has this gray hair around the temple here.

[phone ringing]

- Excuse me.

Andre's beauty salon?

Um, your appointment is at, yes, 2:15.

Thank you very much.

Good day.

Now, you were saying, I'm sorry.

- Oh.

Yes, about the gray hair at the temple.

I-- well, not this gray hair, of course, but gray hair like it.

- Yes, I understand.

- Yeah.

Well, I told him that I'd come down here and buy some dye

and learn how to use it.

Then he can touch up his gray hair, make it black again.

- Oh.

Well, now this is an excellent preparation, Mister, uh--

- Wilson.

John Wilson.

That's for that friend of mine, of course, not for me.

- Yes, I understand.

- Well, I'll take some of that.

- And this really should be done by a professional, Mr. Wilson.

- A professional?

- Yes.

Mr. Andre could do a beautiful job on your hair.

- What?

But that isn't for me.

It's for this friend of mine.

He's going to die my hair myself.

His hair myself.

Himself.

Here, keep the change.

- Hi, Mr. Wilson.

- Oh.

Hello, boys.

- What you been doing in the beauty shop, Mr. Wilson?

- Uh, nothing, Tommy. Nothing.

- Hair dye.

- What do you want with hair dye, Mr. Wilson?

- Never mind, Tommy.

I got it because-- well, that is, I--

- He probably bought it for his wife, Tommy.

What else?

Right Mr. Wilson?

- Right, Dennis.

Oh, bless your little heart.

You never were so right.

Are you boys on your way home now?

- Yes, sir.

Is there something we can do for you?

- There certainly is.

Mrs. Wilson is waiting for this.

Would you get it to her right away?

I'd just as soon not carry it around downtown here.

- Afraid you might lose it, huh?

- You're absolutely right.

Tell her I'll be home in a couple of hours.

Well, now I'm going to the men's shop

and get myself youthful-ized.

Yes, youthful-ized.

- What does youthful-ized mean, Tommy?

- I don't know.

I guess it means getting younger.

- Boy, he sure is starting off late.

Uh-oh.

- Oh, brother.

Now what'll we do?

- Well, I didn't mean to, Tommy.

It just slipped right out of the box.

- Mr. Wilson will have a fit.

- Yeah.

I wonder how much it costs.

- It costs a lot.

Mom uses it all the time and-- hey, I know what.

- What?

What, Tommy?

What?

- Well, she just got a new bottle that she hasn't even

opened yet.

We'll put it in this box here and give it to Mrs. Wilson.

She'll never know the difference.

- Boy, that'll save our life.

Let's clean up this mess, and then we'll get it.

- Louise?

- John!

- Meet the new John Wilson.

Well?

What do you think?

- Well, I think you better stay inside off the streets

before somebody sees you.

- You don't like it? - Well, no.

Frankly I don't.

- Well, dressing younger makes me feel younger.

Instead of a middle aged author, I rather

feel like an angry young man.

- You know, if somebody sold me a suit like that,

I'd be angry too.

- Well, just wait till I finish my youthful-izing process.

You'll see.

When I get rid of the gray hair and-- oh, by the way,

did Dennis bring home a bottle of dye for me?

- Yes, dear. It's in the kitchen.

Now really, John, isn't that being silly?

I mean, dying your hair?

- Now, Louise, business is business.

If Miss Lamont wants a young author, I'll be a young author.

There's a lot of money involved here.

- Well, I wish I could help you, dear,

but I'm due at the dentist's office right now.

I've got to run.

- Well, don't worry about me.

You go right ahead.

When you get back, I'll be so young you may not even

recognize me.

- Don't worry, dear.

I'll recognize you.

- Oh, you are a handsome devil, John.

[humming]

Let's not just do the temples, Johnny boy.

Let's take all the gray out while we're at it.

What the-- great Christopher. Eloise!

Eloise! Eloise.

Eloise. [doorbell]

- She went to the dentist.

Come in.

No, don't.

- Hi, Mr. Wilson.

I just came over to tell you-- jeepers,

what happened to your hair?

- That dye I got from the beauty shop ruined it.

oh, what a mess.

- You mean the dye I brought home for Mrs. Wilson?

- It wasn't for Mrs. Wilson.

It was for me.

Now please, Dennis, go home.

I'm in trouble enough.

- I'd love to go home, Mr. Wilson.

But first there's something I gotta tell you.

- Honestly, Dennis.

I don't know how you manage to do these things.

- Jeepers, I didn't mean to do it, Dad.

Like I told Tommy, it just slipped right out of the box.

- Well, it's all beside the point now, Henry.

Miss Lamont will be here at any moment, and look at me.

I'm a mess.

- Well, frankly John, I don't know

why you wanted to darken your hair in the first place.

You look very distinguished with the--

- I was trying to look younger.

Miss Lamont expects a young author, somebody about-- well,

about your age.

- Hey, I got a swell idea, Mr. Wilson.

- What do you want me to do now, paint my ears green?

- Oh, I don't think that would help much.

But it might help if Dad took your place today.

- Took my place? - Sure.

The lady's never seen either one of you,

and she's expecting somebody Dad's age.

- How about it, Henry?

- Oh, no.

I couldn't.

- Well, she'll only be here for a couple of hours.

Then she leaves town.

- I'd never fool that woman.

I'm no actor.

- How do you know you're not?

No, no.

Now look, why don't you pretend that you're

meeting Miss Lamont?

Say, how do you do?

I'm John Wilson. - How do you do?

I'm John Wilson.

- And you say you're no actor.

Why, Laurence Olivier couldn't have handled that line better.

- Really?

- Come on, now.

Help me out.

Do it?

- Well, it-- it might be kind of fun.

All right, I'll try it.

- I always knew you'd come in handy sometime, Dad.

- She's coming up the walk now, Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, I'll be in the dining room, if you need me.

- I'll get rid of her just as fast as I can.

- Sit down at the desk and look like a writer, Dad.

I'll let her in.

[doorbell]

- Is this the residence of John Wilson?

- Yes, ma'am.

He's expecting you, if you're Miss Lamont.

- I'm she, darling.

Are you an offspring of his?

- No, ma'am.

I live next door to him.

Come on in.

- Thank you, darling.

- Here's Miss Lamont.

- Oh, how do you do?

I'm John Wilson.

- Hey, you said that good.

- Won't you sit down, Miss Lamont?

- Bless you, darling.

- It's her, Mr. Wilson.

It's her.

- I know it's her.

I know.

Keep your voice down.

- Is that the material on your life, Miss Lamont?

- Just the high spots.

I really lived, darling.

- Well, I know you're a very busy woman,

so we'll just have a short discussion--

- Before we discuss anything, let me look at you.

- Anything wrong?

- No, you're just what I wanted-- young and a wee bit innocent.

- Oh, fine.

- Now, let's get on with the mercenary details, darling.

How much do you expect to be paid for writing my life.

- Would $100 be too much?

- Oh, no. [inaudible].

- I'm going out there.

- But Mr. Wilson, she'll--

- I know what I'm doing.

Just be quiet.

- I'm glad to find you're so reasonable.

Most men are so unreasonable.

- Oh?

- Uh, pardon the interruption.

- Who are you, darling?

- I'm John Wilson's lawyer, and I seem

to have arrived just at the right moment.

My client did not mean that price of $100.

- He said it.

- Well, you know how writers are, their heads in the clouds,

no thoughts about money.

- Oh, that's me, all right.

- What he intends to do is write your life

in 10 chapters at $100 per chapter.

That's roughly $1,000.

- Very roughly.

I'll pay him 500.

He'll take it.

He doesn't like to bicker.

Do you, John?

- Well, you're the doctor.

- No, Mr. Wilson's your lawyer.

- Wilson?

- Oh, I'm-- I'm also his brother.

- Yes, my brother, Henry.

- What a cozy arrangement.

- Well, that's why I came in without knocking.

My brother's house is just like my house.

- Yeah, just like.

- Is that why you keep your hat on?

- Oh, the hat.

Well, I wear it because I'm subject to head colds.

And neuralgia.

I also have a sinus condition.

- Oh, you're in foul shape, darling.

- Yes.

Well, now that I'm here, can I clear up any other points?

- No.

No, I'd rather be alone with your brother.

- Oh, of course.

Very nice meeting you, Miss Lamont.

- You are much nicer than your brother-- not so

used-up looking.

- Thanks.

Well, now we can start looking over the material.

- Must the little ragamuffin stay with us?

He has a home, hasn't he?

- Well--

- Oh, I don't want to go home.

My father's a mean man.

He starves me and beats me.

- That's enough about your father, Dennis.

Now, run along.

- OK.

Jeepers, I was enjoying this.

- Now we can really get on with it, just the two of us.

- Yes, I'm-- I'm anxious to get started on some of this--

- Oh, hello.

- Sweetheart, you're home.

- Yes--

- Darling, I'd like you to meet Miss Norma Lamont.

Miss Lamont, this is my wife.

- How do you do, Mrs. Wilson?

- How about a little hug, honey?

John's in the dining room.

I'm taking his place.

Uh, Miss Lamont and I are talking business.

I think you can find something to keep you busy.

- Uh, oh-- how do you do?

- John, what is going on here?

Why is Henry taking your place?

- Promise you won't laugh? - I promise.

That's the last promise I'll ever make.

- Now, we can get back to this.

- Imagine your father doing a thing like that.

I wish I could see his performance.

- You can see it, Ma.

Come over and be Mrs. Wilson.

She's at the dentist today.

- No, I'll keep out of it.

- I guess that would be all right with Miss Lamont.

- She wanted me to get out of there

so she could be alone with Dad.

- Oh?

That was a good idea of yours, Dennis.

I will be Mrs. Wilson.

Come on.

- I think the first chapter of my life

should start with where I was born.

How does that strike you?

- Well, it's a good suggestion.

- Bless you, darling.

Now, where should I be born?

Paris?

Rome?

Or possibly Tahiti.

- Well, where were you born?

- Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

But Sheboygan's not really me.

[doorbell]

- Hey, look who I met outside.

Mrs. Wilson. - Darling.

- Hello, dear.

- And you must be Norma Lamont.

- There's no doubt about that, darling.

But you are Mrs. Wilson?

- Well, you see--

- I certainly am.

- Well, here we go again.

- It's so nice to meet you.

I've enjoyed your pictures ever since I was just a little girl.

- Lover, I've been waiting for you.

You're my wife.

Don't ask any questions.

I'm sorry to break in like this, but I

told Alice to meet me here.

Don't you want to go and see your sister-in-law?

Come along.

Here.

- So she's your brother's wife.

For a moment I didn't know what was going on.

- I know just how you feel.

- She kissed you very affectionately.

- Well, we're a very affectionate family.

Don't you kiss your sister's husband?

- If I had a sister, she wouldn't let me near her husband.

- Well, with all these interruptions,

why, it must be time for you to go.

You can just leave this material with me--

- No, no, no.

We still have time.

We can carry on till--

[doorbell]

- Tell them to come back later, Dennis.

- Hi, Mr. Krinkie.

- Hi, Dennis.

We came over to interview Miss Lamont and get some pictures.

Is she here?

- Yes, but she can't see you right now.

You better come back later.

A lot later.

- She'll make time for the press.

- I couldn't keep them out, Miss Lamont.

- Indeed.

Well, I don't know who these people are,

but they have no right--

- We're from the newspaper, Miss Lamont.

- Oh, the newspaper.

Bless you, darling.

- It's Krinkie.

He'll spill everything.

You girls go out there and see if you

can help Henry get rid of him.

- Miss Lamont has to leave soon.

You better get your interview and run along, Krinkie.

- OK, grab a picture, Bill.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Wilson.

- Hello, Mr. Krinkie.

- Hello, Mrs.--

- We've never seen a newspaper interview.

We came to watch.

- Oh, be my guest.

Understand Wilson's doing some writing for you.

- Yes, he's agreed to write the fabulous story of my life.

- Good, how about a picture of you with Wilson?

- Splendid.

- I think you should take another picture of Miss Lamont

by herself.

- We just took one.

- Well, I think you should take her profile.

She's famous for it.

- Yes, it's so lovely.

- Sweet of you to notice, dear.

- OK.

Now, let's get Wilson.

- You haven't taken the back of her head yet.

- I'd rather have one with Mr. Wilson now.

Come, darling.

- No, I want Wilson, not Mitchell.

- Mitchell?

- Yeah, where's your husband, Mrs. Wilson?

- Oh, I give up.

He's in there.

- I should have known it.

Let me handle this.

You and your aging brother.

- Do-- do you need any legal advice?

- No, but I think you're going to, darling.

- Please don't be angry with him, Miss Lamont.

He's really a fine writer.

- Yes, he just wanted you to think he was young.

- Well, I was so anxious to do the story

of your fabulous life.

- Well, you definitely won't do it now.

- Wait a minute, Miss Lamont.

If you wanted a young man, you couldn't

get one younger than Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, come now.

He's no juvenile under that two-tone top.

- I don't mean on the outside.

That doesn't count.

He's young inside.

- Really?

- He's my very best friend.

We get along just like we were the same age.

- Oh, likes children, huh?

Well, I suppose he has some good qualities, but--

- And not only that, he thinks you're beautiful and kind

and the best actress in the world.

- He does?

- Oh, I do, I do, I do.

- You're his very favorite star.

- You are, you are, you are.

- Well, perhaps I have been too hasty, darling.

If that's the way you feel about me,

you should write my life story.

- Oh, thank you, Miss Lamont.

Thank you.

And thank you, Dennis.

- He's crazy about you, Miss Lamont.

He even keeps a picture of you in his desk.

- I do, I do, I do.

Dennis.

- So this is what you think of me.

- I don't think you look like General Grant.

It's all a mistake.

You see, I can explain.

- Don't bother, darling.

You are not going to write my life story.

- Miss Lamont.

- You're too young.

In fact, you're in your second childhood.

Good day.

- Jeepers.

No wonder she's mad.

You made her look just like General Grant.

- Well, at least I was right about that.

- Oh, never mind, John.

You'll get plenty of other jobs.

- Of course you will.

- Yeah, you've got a lot of talent.

- You sure have, Mr. Wilson.

You're a swell artist.

- Artist?

- Yeah.

With talent like this, you don't have

to worry about losing your job writing articles.

You can draw pictures for the comic books.

[laughter]

[theme music]

NARRATOR: This has been a Screen Gems film production.