Original subtitles

- Here's your muffler, dear.

- Oh, honey, I'm not going to the arctic.

I'm only going to New York for a day or two.

- Well, it does get a little cold.

- Hey, Mom, Dad.

The morning paper just came in, and look it.

- "Phantom Burglar strikes again."

Oh, my goodness.

- "The Arthur P. Morris residence at 74 Oak Street was broken

into and robbed of approximately $2,000 in valuables last

night."

Well, honey, that's the fourth robbery in the last three weeks

in this neighborhood.

I don't know that I ought to go and leave you

and Dennis alone like this.

- Oh now, Henry, you know Mr. Wilson

promised to keep an eye on us.

- Sure.

And don't forget, I'll be here as the man of the house

to protect Mom, too.

- That's right, dear.

- OK, man of the house, I'm depending on you

to see that all the windows and doors are securely

locked at night. TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Dennis.

- I'll be right there, Tommy!

Don't you worry, Dad.

No dumb old robber's gonna bother Mom

while a noisy kid like me's around.

[theme music]

- And while my dad's in New York on business,

I'm gonna be the man of the house.

- At our house, that just means you

have to take out the garbage.

- Not here, Tommy.

I gotta protect my mom in case the Phantom Burglar

comes around.

- Gee, Dennis, in case you need any extra help protecting

your mom your pop's away, you can count on me.

- Me too.

We'll clobber him.

- Aw, Seymour, what could you do to a big mean robber?

- I could bite him.

- Here, dear, you forgot this.

- What's that, a kit for snakebite?

- It's your cuff links.

I put them all in one box.

- Oh, thank you, honey.

- Hey, Dad, your taxi's here.

- Oh.

I'll be right out.

- Now, dear, please be careful, and don't get in any drafts.

- Aye, aye, sir.

I won't even let them open a window on the plane.

- Gee, when my dad leaves the house,

he just pats my mom on the head.

- My dad just pats the dog.

[taxi honks]

- Coming.

- We'll take them for you, Dad.

Hey, Dad, do you have any more thoughts

through those magazines I'm trying

to sell to get a free bicycle?

- Yes, I have.

And they're terrible.

So long, son.

- Bye, Dad.

- Be a good boy.

Bye, fellas.

- Bye, Mr. Mitchell.

- Are you gonna bring me something?

- Listen, Seymour, why should my dad bring you something?

- Maybe he likes me.

- Aw, come on, you guys.

Let's play cops and robbers.

- But she is resting comfortably?

Oh, thank goodness.

[door opens]

Hey, Mom--

- Dennis, please.

I'm on the phone.

All right, Mrs. Malby, I'll get up there as soon as possible.

- Well, up where as soon as possible, Mom?

- That was Grandma Mitchell's next-door neighbor, dear.

Grandma fell and hurt her leg.

- Jeepers, she did?

- Well, fortunately not badly, but I

feel we should get up there and see what we can do.

Now, let's see.

If we hurry, we can just make the 11:45 train.

- Jeepers, I can't go, Mom.

I gotta be here for my basketball game tomorrow.

- Oh, dear.

Well, what am I going to do with you?

- Well, I'll stay here and be the man of the house.

- Dennis, you can't stay here all by yourself.

- Sure, I can.

I'm no little kid anymore.

- Dennis, please.

Uh, hello.

Eloise?

This is Alice.

I'm afraid I have something of a problem.

- Well, what sort of problem, dear?

Oh, of course he can, Alice.

- Oh, thank you, Eloise.

You're staying with the Wilsons tonight, dear.

- Oh boy.

Maybe when Mr. Wilson gets sleepy,

I'll be able to sell him some magazines.

- Well, the only trouble is, Alice,

I've been sleeping in the guest room because of this cold

I'm getting over.

Oh, but Dennis can sleep with John in our room.

No, dear, I'm sure John don't mind.

- Won't mind what, Eloise?

- If Dennis sleeps in your room tonight.

- No, I won't mind.

What?!

- He says it sounds like fun, Alice.

- Just a darn minute, Eloise.

- Bye, bye, dear.

Have a nice trip.

- Eloise Wilson, are you out of your cotton-picking mind?

- Now, John, this is an emergency.

- Emergency?

I don't care if the sun has left its orbit

and threatens to roast us alive by midnight.

That boy is not-- - Now, dear.

Now, dear.

Henry's mother hurt her leg, and Alice

has to have some place to leave Dennis while she's away,

because Henry's out of town, too.

- What's wrong with their house?

- Now, dear, you can't leave a boy Dennis' age alone.

- Why not?

She could tie him up or something.

- John.

- Eloise, that kid is not resting his pointed little head

next to mine tonight.

And that is final!

- Gee, this sure is a swell bed, Mrs. Wilson.

- Well, thank you, dear.

Glad you like it.

Goodnight, John.

- Goodnight, dear.

- Oh, by the way, dear, if you get hungry in the night,

just go downstairs and pick something for yourself.

- Oh boy, what kind of something?

- Oh, any kind of something you find in the refrigerator.

- Try to leave the light bulb.

We just got a new one last week.

- John.

Night. DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Night.

- Goodnight.

- Those sample magazines of mine are pretty swell, huh,

Mr. Wilson?

- Dennis, these are the worst, most idiotic publications

I have ever seen.

"I Was Hanged Though Innocent, and Other Family Stories.

Weird confessions featuring, I was

a teenage great-grandfather?"

- By the way, there's a special this week only,

a lifetime subscription to any five

magazines for $0.25 a week for 20 years.

- 20 years?

- And if you die before the time is up,

the magazines will keep coming to your next of kin,

for no extra charge.

- Dennis, let's go to sleep.

- Goodnight, Mr. Wilson.

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Goodnight, Dennis.

- Goodnight, Sam.

[frog croak]

- Sam?

Dennis?

Is that frog in this room?

- Yes, sir.

He's in a shoebox underneath my bed.

But he won't be any bother.

Sam's one frog who sleeps like a horse.

- Dennis, get that slimy creature out of this bedroom.

- OK, Mr. Wilson.

Come on, Sam.

[frog croak]

- Sam won't bother you anymore, Mr. Wilson.

I put him out in the hall.

- That's fine.

- Mr. Wilson, it sure is a good thing we're such close friends,

huh?

- Yes, it is.

Now let's get some sleep.

- Hey, what do you want me to do if I

hear the Phantom Burglar downstairs?

- Tell him to be quiet.

- Let's see.

Got my flashlight, my handcuffs, and my water gun

that looks like a real one, just in case.

Are you getting a little hungry, Mr. Wilson?

I am.

[snoring]

[clanging]

- Operator, get me the police.

[phone ringing]

- All right, all right.

[phone ringing]

- Police department, Lieutenant Wheeler speaking.

Phantom Burglar?

You mean you're calling to give yourself up?

- I'm not the Phantom Burglar.

He's downstairs.

I'm John Wilson. - Oh yeah.

Yeah, right away, Mr. Wilson.

620-- yeah.

Uh, yes.

Yeah.

Car 68, car 68, come in.

Car 68, come in.

Mooney, wake up, you fathead.

- Somebody call me?

Of course somebody called you.

Mooney, were you eating again?

- Who, me?

Of course not, Lieutenant.

- Well, get right down to 625 Elm.

There's a prowler report.

And proceed with caution, or you're

liable to shoot yourself by mistake.

- Yes, sir.

- And, Mooney, try and stay away for a change.

- Yes, sir.

- Eloise, Eloise, wake up.

- What is it, John?

- Shh.

Somebody downstairs.

- What?!

[clanging]

- Listen.

- Are you sure it isn't Dennis?

- I forgot all about Dennis.

Dennis.

I might have known.

- Hi.

You people get hungry, too?

- We're not quite yet, dear.

- Dennis, the next time you get up, I wish you'd let me know.

- John!

Someone went past the window.

- It's someone with a flashlight. - Golly.

I betcha it's the Phantom Burglar.

- Shh.

- He's sneaking past the house.

- Jo-- John, would you be careful?

- Ooh.

All right, who did that?

Oh.

Ugh.

- Mooney, what are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

Getting a lump as big as an egg, that's what I'm doing.

- Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

- Hello, Dennis.

Look, John, what's going on around here?

Did you or did you not call up and report a prowler?

- Uh, well, uh, yes, I did.

But it turned out to be a mistake.

- A mistake, he says.

what am I supposed to do with this lump on my head?

- Would you like some coffee, Sergeant Mooney?

- No thanks, Mrs. Wilson.

- Oh.

Uh, you come inside with me, Dennis.

[frog croak]

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

Get in there and be quiet.

[frog croak]

- Uh.

That does it.

Ouch!

[frog croak]

- Jeepers, Sam.

How did you get in there?

[frog croak]

- Now stay in there.

You understand?

[clanging]

- Uh-oh, the Phantom Burglar.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wils-- jeepers, betcha he's got Mr. Wilson.

All right, who's ever there, stick 'em up!

- What? Uh, ow.

- Don't try and get away.

- Wh-- who's that?

- Jeepers, is that you, Mr. Wilson?

- Oh, Dennis, for heaven's sake, stop

flashing that light in my face and go back to bed.

- Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson.

I thought you were the Phantom Burglar.

- I might just as well be, for all the sleep I'm getting.

- Wasn't your bed upstairs comfortable, Mr. Wilson?

- Yes, it's comfortable.

I'm just afraid of sleeping in high places.

Now please go to bed.

- Hey!

There's one magazine I forgot to show ya.

It's called The Mountain Climber's Gazette.

- All right, all right, you win.

I'll take one magazine from you for six months,

if you'll promise not to bother me for the rest of the night.

- Oh boy.

Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

Which magazine?

- I don't care.

You pick one out and surprise me.

And now goodnight, for the 100th time.

- Goodnight, Mr. Wilson.

And don't you worry, I won't bother you again tonight

unless I hear funny noises or you call out for help.

[dennis' footsteps upstairs]

- Is everything all right, dear?

- Everything's swell, Mrs. Wilson.

Except poor Mr. Wilson's having one of those sleepless nights

we all go through at times.

He's trying to sleep on the sofa.

- Dennis, I thought I--

- John Wilson, now what do you think you're doing?

- Eloise, I have decided to go to the Mitchell's.

- To the Mitchell's?

- That's right, to the Mitchell's.

Since Dennis insists on sleeping in my room, I'm going over

and sleep in his.

- John, really.

- Don't try to stop me, Eloise.

I'm going to get a night's sleep if it kills me.

- Oh, John. Ugh.

- Alligator, blech.

Trapped.

Oh, no.

- Golly.

There's somebody in my room.

Operator, get me the police.

[phone ringing] - All right.

All right.

Lieutenant Wheeler speaking.

Are you sure?

Yeah, 627 Elm.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't that-- oh, I see.

It's right next door to the-- the Wilson house.

Yeah.

All right, little boy.

Just don't do anything until somebody gets there.

Car 68, car 68, come in.

Wake up, Mooney.

We've got a Phantom Burglar report.

- Oh, not again.

- Psst, Sergeant Mooney.

- Dennis, don't do that.

What's this about a phantom burglar?

- Yeah, somebody up there, all right.

- It can't be my folks, either.

They're both out of town.

- Yeah, the MO fits.

Skeleton key still in the lock.

- How can you tell it's a skeleton key?

- Experience, my boy. Experience.

Now, you stay behind.

Keep out of my way.

This is police work.

[footsteps]

- Phantom Burglar.

- We got you surrounded.

Close in on him, men.

[whistles]

[clutter falling]

- Don't you move!

- Ah, well, well, if it isn't John Wilson,

public nighttime nuisance number one.

- Smile, John, you're on "Candid Camera."

[laughs]

- Oh, Mooney.

[phone rings]

- I wonder who that is.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

Oh, oh, it's you, Eloise.

- Dear, is Dennis over there?

- Yes, he is.

Also our friend Sergeant Mooney.

- Oh, thank goodness.

When I peeked in his room and found his bed empty, I-- what's

Sergeant Mooney doing over there?

- Well, haven't you heard?

We're having a pajama party.

- Dear, may I suggest--

[bump]

- [gasps] John, I think there's somebody downstairs.

- Lock yourself in your room, Eloise.

We'll be right over.

Mooney, the Phantom Burglar is at my house.

- There's somebody

I can see his light.

- Let's nab him.

- You stay out here, Dennis.

- That's right, Dennis.

The man in there is no doubt a vicious criminal.

- Here.

Here are my keys.

Waiting for him to die of old age?

- Don't rush me.

Don't rush me.

- You got your gun?

- Of course I got my gun.

I wish I had the bullets for it.

- My coin collection. - Stop in the name of the law!

Come on, John.

Let's grab him.

- Here, here.

There he goes.

All right.

[yelling and banging] - Come on.

Somebody turn on the lights.

- May I have the next dance?

- Mooney.

I might have known.

- Stop shoving.

For heaven's sake.

- Dennis.

- He caught him.

- He caught the Phantom Burglar.

- With my water gun.

- Dennis.

- A water gun.

Caught by a little boy with a water gun.

Oh, I should live so long.

- You will, about 20 years in Alcatraz.

I'll take over now, Dennis.

- Are you really the Phantom Burglar?

- Oh, for goodness sake.

Can't you tell?

- Come on along.

I forgot my cuffs.

- It figures.

- For goodness sake, what kind of a police department

are you running in this town? No handcuffs?

Children with water guns?

- Now see here, you, whatever your name is--

- My friends call me Horace.

- Here you are, Sergeant Mooney.

You can use mine.

- Little boy, haven't you caused enough trouble for one night?

- Thanks, Dennis.

John, I have to drive, so I'm going

to handcuff this fella to you so he won't get away

while I'm bringing him in.

- Me? Why me?

- Now, if the sergeant needs your help, dear.

- I'll do it, Sergeant Mooney.

- Well, for heaven's sake, come on.

Don't you people realize I haven't had a wink of sleep

yet?

- All right.

Anything so we can all get back to bed.

- Hey, Sergeant Mooney, I just thought of something.

- Here, now he won't get away.

- He won't, but neither will Mr. Wilson.

- What are you talking about, Dennis?

- I just remembered, I don't have a key for the handcuffs.

- Oh, no.

- [LAUGHS

- Amateurs, hmm.

I just knew something like this would happen.

- Not to worry, Mr. Wilson, I'll stay here

and take care of your house and mine, too, until you get out

of jail, no matter how long it takes ya.

- Oh, for crying out loud.

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER NARRATING: This has been a Screen Gems film

production.