Original subtitles

- So, you boys are letting me become the first and only adult

member of your brand-new explorers club.

- That's right, Dad.

- And to what do I owe this distinction?

- We need somebody who's really been around, Mr. Mitchell.

- And besides, Dad's so big and strong and smart.

- And all the kids like you, Dad.

- And we like your money, too.

- Aha.

- Now you did it, Seymour.

- You and your big mouth.

- And, uh, how much does it cost to join

this elite little club of yours?

- 7.50.

- $7.50?

Well, what are you boys gonna explore?

Europe?

Well, you see, Dad, all of the members except Seymour

here need pith helmets.

- Like this.

It's my pop's.

- They cost 2.50 each, Mr. Mitchell.

- I'm sorry, boys.

- $5?

- $4?

- $2?

- Two bits and four sodas?

- Thank you, fellas, but I suggest you find somebody

for your explorers club with a little more adventurous spirit.

- Like who?

- Well, like, uh, like your mother over there.

- (DISAPPROVING) Henry Mitchell.

- Hello, Ma.

- I can't be bothered now, boys.

I'm very busy.

- Gee, Dennis, where are going to find a grown-up who likes

adventure and has 7.50 he's not using?

- How about Mr. Wilson?

He never uses any of his money.

- Hey, that's a swell idea, Tommy.

And Mr. Wilson's full of adventure.

Why, he just wrote an article on travel.

- Mr. Wilson is a tightwad.

- Mr. Wilson isn't exactly a tightwad, Seymour.

He's just awful fond of his money.

Come on, let's go ask him.

[theme music]

- Oh, I'm glad you've started collecting stamps again, dear.

Hobbies will do you good.

- Well, I've got them all grouped according

to countries now, Eloise.

All I have to do is just mount them in the album--

- Hi, Mr. Wilson.

Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

- Hello, dear.

- Dennis, close that window.

- Are you cold, Mr. Wilson?

- No, I am not c-- oh, never mind, never mind.

Now, what do you children want?

- We're starting a brand-new explorers club, Mr. Wilson.

And we want you to be our honorary adult charter member.

- Dennis, I have no desire.

- Because you've traveled all over.

- And you're big and strong and--

- Flattery will get you nowhere.

- And brave.

- And you're also a famous writer, Mr. Wilson.

- Who everyone respects and listens to.

- Oh, uh, oh, so you want me to be a charter member, eh?

Well, all right.

- Three cheers for good ol' Mr. Wilson.

Hip, hip-- - (ALL) Hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

- Well, thank you, fellow club members.

- That'll be $7.50 initiation fee, Mr. Wilson.

- Fine. I'll g-- $7.50!

- Does $2 sound better?

- Dennis, I wouldn't join your silly explorers club

if you paid me $2.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Just a minute.

- It's for you, dear.

- All right, boys, goodbye.

Go, go, go.

The idea of trying to get me to shell out $7.

Hello.

Speaking.

Eloise, do we know a Mr. Griffin?

- I'm calling to inform you, Mr. Wilson, that you

are one of the lucky winners in our third annual family soap

contest.

- I am?

Eloise, I won, I won.

- Won what?

- Shh.

Well, of course I'll be at home at 2 o'clock tomorrow

afternoon.

My son?

Oh, uh, my sons.

- Your sons?

- Eloise, be-- uh.

Well, uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid the little tykes will

be at school at that time, and--

- All righty then, Mr. Wilson, I'll

drop by after school, around 4:30

to meet those fine youngsters of yours.

Now, now, Mr. Wilson, I won't take no for an answer.

Goodbye.

- B-- b-- but, Mr. Griffin.

Ah-- he hung up.

- John, John, what is this all about?

What did you win?

- Well, I entered the soap contest a few months,

why my family likes family soap in 25 words or less.

- And I thought you were writing all that time.

- Well, I won, didn't I?

- Well, that's wonderful, dear, but, John, what does all this

have to do with our having children?

- Look, rule number three, all contestants

of the family soap contest must be parents.

- How many offspring did you tell them we had, John?

- Rule number four, in cases where

any misrepresentation on the part of the winning contestant

can be proven, said prize will be declared forfeited.

- How many, dear?

- Four boys.

- Oh, dear.

John, the next time I'm about to become the mother of four sons,

please give me a little more notice.

- But, Eloise, thing of all these valuable prizes.

Look, $3,000 first prize.

Second prize, $2,000.

Third prize, $1,000.

And 300 other valuable prizes.

- Now, now, dear, ju-- just calm down.

For all you know, you may have won

one of 300 valuable Chinese backscratchers.

- Eloise, that man wouldn't be coming over here in person

tomorrow unless I was a big winner.

And he'll expect to meet those four boys.

- Well, don't look at me, dear.

It's your little family.

- Very funny.

Very funny.

There must be something I can do.

[sawing sound outside]

- Eloise, congratulate me.

I am about to become a father.

[construction sounds]

- Uh, I'm ready for another board, Dennis.

- Gee, Mr. Wilson, it sure is swell of you

to let us put up our new clubhouse in your yard,

and help us build it.

- After all, fellas, what are friends

for, unless it's to help their fellow friends?

- I think he flipped his lid. - Seymour.

- Would you help me hold this board in place, Mr. Wilson?

Give me the hammer so I can--

- No, I'll-- I'll nail it up for you, Dennis.

I'll nail it right here.

There we are.

[yells in pain] Oh!

- I don't get it.

Mr. Wilson not only insisted the children build

the clubhouse in his yard, but he's even helping them.

- [chuckles] I tell you, dear.

We may never see the first seven wonders of the world,

but we've got front row seats for the eighth.

- I'm awful sorry it happened, Mr. Wilson.

- So am I. But it-- it's all right now.

- Gee, guys, it's coming along swell.

- Where's the television antenna?

- Seymour, clubhouses don't have televisions.

- Yeah, that's kid stuff.

- Say, boys, I have an idea.

Oh.

Why don't I throw a party at my house tomorrow afternoon.

- A party?

What for?

- Who cares? - Yeah.

Well, to celebrate the new clubhouse.

And besides, an old friend of mine

is coming by tomorrow afternoon, and I'd

like him to meet you four boys.

- Is this party gonna have ice cream and everything?

- Ice cream and everything.

- What will it cost us?

- It won't cost you anything, Seymour.

It's on me.

- Gee, it sounds swell, Mr. Wilson.

- Yeah, I'll be there.

- Me too.

But, Dennis, what about our baseball game after school

tomorrow? With the Green Hornets.

- Well, uh, couldn't you postpone it?

- Well, gee, I don't know, Mr. Wilson.

- It's a grudge game.

- Uh, well, there'll be all the chocolate cake you can eat.

- With marshmallow icing?

- With marshmallow icing.

- Hey, guys, maybe it'll rain tomorrow afternoon.

- Yeah.

The paper said something about rain.

- Yeah.

Fellas, I hereby make a motion that we call the game

on account of rain and go to Mr. Wilson's party instead.

- I second the motion.

- All in favor, say aye.

- (TOGETHER) Aye.

- No.

- No?

Are you some kind of a nut, Seymour?

- He has to join our club first.

- Join your club?

- Aw, come on, Seymour.

Mr. Wilson helped build our clubhouse,

and he's throwing a free party.

- No.

- It's no use, Mr. Wilson.

Our club bylaws say all votes must be unanimous.

- All right, all right.

I'll join your silly explorers club, for $2.

Seymour, do you mind?

There you are.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Wilson.

- Here's a clean pen, Dennis.

- Give me your hand, Mr. Wilson.

- What for?

- Your oath in blood.

- My oath in (yells) blood!

- Yep, he's got some.

- Something tells me that you are going

to grow up to be a vampire, Seymour.

- Does that pay as good as a fireman?

- Oh.

- Now all you gotta do to be a full-fledged member

is to get initiated.

- Well, that seems like a reasona-- get initiated?

- Sure.

To-- to show you're tough enough to be

a member of the explorers club.

- It's fun.

You gotta do things like, uh, eat raw turtle eggs.

- Or eat a banana while you're hanging upside down

from a tree with one knee.

- Uh, well, uh, fellas, I-- I think

I have to go into the house for a minute.

We'll talk about that later, all right?

- Sure.

- Oh, and don't forget, I want to see you at my house tomorrow

right after school for that party.

- Gee, we wouldn't forget that, Mr. Wilson.

- And you better make that two chocolate cakes.

- You know, Dennis, I think we're going to need some more wood.

- Well, problem is, Tommy, where are we gonna get it?

- How about that old house they're

tearing down on Walnut Street?

- Hey, that's a great idea, Scotty.

They'll probably give us all the old wood

we need just to get rid of us.

- Sure, Dennis.

They'd never miss it.

- Come on, guys. Let's go.

- Watch what you're doing, Seymour.

You dropped a board back there.

[tires popping] - Uh-oh.

- Hey, you kids.

I'll get you for this.

- He looks mean.

- Come back here.

Do you hear me?

- It was that old board you dropped, Seymour.

- Three flat tires.

[tire popping]

- I'll get you kids for this if it's the last thing I do.

- Well, I must say, Eloise, you're no help.

Here we may win $3,000 and you're walking out on me.

- I told you before, John, I thoroughly

disapprove of the way you intend passing

those poor unsuspecting children off as your own.

- Poor unsuspecting children, indeed.

Eloise, I have just spent over $15 for goodies,

to make their poor unsuspecting little tummies jump for joy.

- I'm sorry, dear.

I refuse to be a party to the deception.

- Women.

I'll wager you won't hesitate to spend your share of the prize

money when I do get it.

- That's right, dear.

If you get it.

Bye.

- Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

- Hello, boys.

- Aren't you staying for our swell explorers party, Mrs.

Wilson.

- Well, thank you, dear, but I'm going forth

on an exploring party of my own.

- Hi, Mr Wilson.

- Well, well, right on time.

There it is. - Wow!

- Look at the cake.

- Look at those gum drops.

- Fill me up.

- Fill yourself up, Seymour. Go ahead.

Dig in, boys.

- You know something, Mr. Wilson? - Hmm?

- All those people who keep saying you're a tightwad,

they don't know the real you.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Yes?

- Could you tell me if there are any small children living

around here?

- Oh my goodness, yes.

All ages, shapes, and sizes.

- Well, these are four boys, so-- so high to, uh, so high.

- Is one of them a blond? - Yes.

I think he's the leader.

- Oh. Look.

You see that shingle house with the fence around it?

- Mm-hm. - I think you'll find them there.

- Thank you very much.

- Not at all.

What is it you want with them?

- Well, I, um, I have a surprise for them.

- Oh.

- Well, everybody happy? - Yeah.

- Nice, swell party.

- Fine, fine, fine.

Now, um, I-- I have a favor I'd like to ask of you boys.

- I told you he was gonna charge us.

- I am not going to charge you, Seymour.

Now, as I mentioned yesterday, an old friend of mine

is going to drop over this afternoon.

And, well, he's due at any minute.

And, well, I need your help.

- What kind of help, Mr. Wilson?

- Well, I want Mr. Griffin-- uh, that's

the man who's coming over-- to think

that I am the father of you four boys.

As a joke.

- That's a joke?

- Come on, you guys.

After the swell party, the least we could do

is help Mr. Wilson play a little joke.

- It's OK with me.

- Me too.

- You're too fat to be my father.

- Quiet, Seymour. - Yeah.

Shut your big mouth and eat.

- How can I do that? - Seymour.

Now look, for the sake of this little subterfuge,

you, Dennis, will be Timmy.

You, Tommy, will be Judd.

You, Scotty, will be Harry.

And, Seymour, you are--

- Sleepy.

- Now, cut it out.

Malcolm.

- I don't wanna be Malcolm.

- Seymour.

- I don't even wanna be Seymour.

- Now, when Mr. Griffin arrives, let me do the talking.

[door bell]

- There he is now.

Remember now, uh, Timmy.

Judd, Harry--

- Murray.

- Malcolm!

[door bell]

- And they say us kids play corny jokes on each other.

- Yeah. How corny can you get?

- Mr. Griffin, come in, come in.

- Griffin?

My name's Burrows.

- Burrows?

Oh, they must have sent someone else.

I was expecting Mr. Griffin. [chuckles]

- Are those your kids?

- Yes, they are, Mr. Burrows.

- Jeepers, it's him!

- Oh, fellas, come on, come on now.

Don't be shy. - Shy?

We're scared.

- Are these all your kids?

- I'm not.

- [chuckles] Always joking.

Yes, they're all mine, every blessed

one of the little tykes.

- Mr. Wilson, that man's--

- Please, Timmy. [chuckles nervously] The-- oh,

that's Timmy.

That's Judd.

- Save the formal introductions, mister.

Just fork over $26.

- Yes.

Now-- $26? - Correct.

I have three flat tires, and one tire completely ruined.

Now, that's what they did to me, dragging boards

with nails into the street.

- My kids?

- Gee, mister, we didn't mean to do it.

- Tell that to your old man, sonny.

- 26 smackers. - Yeah.

Oh well, now, I-- I have to tell you.

I-- I was only fooling.

I'm not their father.

- That's right, mister.

- You see, you see, even he knows that I'm not his father.

- Nice try, buster.

Now what's it gonna be, $26 or a punch in the nose?

- Take the punch in the nose. - Wait.

Uh, just a minute.

Ca-- ca-- calm down.

I-- I have the $26.

1, 6, 16, uh, 26.

- That's better.

These aren't my kids.

- Do you children realize you have just cost me $26?

- We're sorry, Mr. Wilson.

- It wasn't our fault.

- Dad.

- Never mind.

Sit down.

Finish your ice cream.

Now, uh, look, children, the-- the real Mr. Griffin

will be here any second.

So--

- Wait a minute, Mr. Wilson, didn't you

say Mr. Griffin was a good friend of yours?

- Uh, ye-- yes, I did, Dennis.

Now, when he arrives--

- Then why didn't you know what he looked like?

- Uh, well, uh, we are pen pals.

- Something smells fishy to me.

- All right, fellas, I'll level with you.

I entered a contest, which I won.

But in order to collect my prize,

the man who is coming here this afternoon

must think that I have four sons.

- I hate to say it, Mr. Wilson, but I sure

am disappointed in you.

- That's why you helped us with the clubhouse

and joined our explorers club.

- And bribed us with this party.

- I've been bribed, I've been bribed.

- Oh now, now, please.

Uh, children, you don't understand.

- You even took an oath in blood, Mr. Wilson.

Come on, guys.

Let's go. - No, no, no.

Children, you-- you can't leave me now.

I-- I'll even pay you.

- Mr. Wilson, there isn't enough money to-- pay us?

- Just name your own price.

- $1 million.

- Gee, Dennis, we could use some money for pith helmets.

- Well, we could at least talk it over, I suppose.

Come on, fellas.

- Oh, good, good.

Uh, but hurry, hurry.

Huh?

- I'd like his watch.

- OK, Mr. Wilson, we'll be your sons on one condition,

that you buy each of us a new pith helmet.

- That'll cost $10.

- It's a deal.

Uh, $10.

[door bell]

- There he is.

Come on, fellas. Come on.

Uh, line up right here.

Here.

Now remember, Timmy, Judd, Harry--

- Murray.

- No. Malcolm.

- Mr. Wilson?

- Mr. Griffin, come in, sir.

Come in.

I, uh-- I want you to meet my four fine sons.

Timmy, Judd, Harry-- - Mmm--

- And Malcolm.

- Fine-looking lads, indeed.

You certainly are a big chap for nine years old, Harry.

- Nine years old?

Are you kidding?

- Uh, boys, uh, why don't you finish your ice cream.

- Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, what's your name again, son?

- Timmy Mitchell, sir? - Mitchell?

- Yeah. Uh, he's a-- a stepson.

- And you haven't given him your own name?

- Well, you see--

- My last name is William.

- Uh, uh, he's a stepson by my, uh, second wife.

- He hates me.

- Seymour, I don't hate you.

- Seymour?

- Oh, well, I changed his first name to Malcolm

because I don't like Seymour.

- I see.

You changed his first name but not his last.

Mr. Wilson, what kind of a stepfather are you?

- Jeepers, Mr. Wilson would make a swell stepfather for any kid.

- Mr. Wilson?

You make your stepsons call you Mr. Wilson.

- Oh.

Well, I'm a firm believer in, uh, a strict discipline.

- That's why he beats me.

- The child has a vivid imagination.

- Yes.

Well, now to get on with the real purpose of my visit.

- Ah, yes, the contest.

- What size shoes do you wear, children?

- Size shoes?

- You won the 268th prize, Mr. Wilson.

A new pair of shoes for each of your four sons.

- Oh, no.

- Boy, did you hear that, Dennis?

- Could we get hiking shoes, Mr. Griffin?

- Oh, you certainly can, young man.

On second thought, you can fill out your own sizes.

Here's a gift certificate for you, and one for you--

- Excuse me. - And one for you.

- I'll-- I'll take those.

- You will not.

- And one for you.

- Oh boy. Thanks a lot, Mr. Griffin.

- Gee, thanks.

- You're quite welcome, children.

And, Mr. Wilson, may I suggest that you

try to be a better father and adopt these boys?

- You'll never adopt me.

- You poor lad.

You, sir, are a terrible man.

Good day.

- $15 for the party, $2 for dues, $26 for tires,

$10 for pith helmets.

That comes to $53.

$53, and for what?

- We got free shoes, Mr. Wilson.

- Yeah.

- Will my mom and dad be surprised.

- Children, will you please all go home?

- OK, Mr. Wilson.

And don't feel too bad.

We forgive ya.

- Yeah, especially after we get our new pith helmets.

- Then take us to the circus.

- Oh.

And my name is still Seymour.

- I wonder what my horoscope said for me today.

- Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson, believe it or not, I got some swell news for you.

- I don't believe it, but what is it, Dennis?

- Since Seymour's getting a new pith helmet,

he said you can have his old one.

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

- We'll be by to pick you up in a half an hour, Mr. Wilson.

- Pick me up?

Whatever for?

- To put you through your initiation

for the explorers club.

- Dennis, if you think I'm going through that ridiculous

initiation of yours after all this,

you are out of your cotton-picking mind.

- John, dinner's ready.

- He'll be in in a minute, Mrs. Wilson.

- You hurry, dear.

I don't want things to get cold.

- Just as soon as I finish this silly banana.

- Come on, Mr. Wilson.

You can do it.

- Yeah, eat the banana!

- You can do it!

- Yeah!

[cheering]

[theme music]