Original subtitles

[theme music]

- Hey, Dad?

- Yes, Dennis?

- Why do you wear glasses?

- Because my eyes are a little weak.

- Does that come from too much reading?

- I guess that could have something to do it.

- You mean, if you didn't read so much,

it would be better for your eyes?

- I guess you could say that. - Good!

Then I won't ask you to read this.

- OK.

What is it?

- My report card.

[laughter]

- Uh, Dennis.

[theme music]

- Alice!

Where's the phone bill, honey?

I've got the gas bill and the light bill,

but not the phone bill.

- It's right in there with the others.

Try shuffling them again. [laughter]

- Hey, I, uh, see you bought yourself

another new hat this month.

- I had to get something to go with your new golf bag.

[laughter]

- Touche. - Hi Mom!

Hi Dad!

- Hello, dear.

- Whatcha making?

- A cake.

- Oh boy!

I hope it's chocolate with marshmallow icing,

and pineapples and cherries on top.

You know, the kind I always get sick on.

- I'm sorry, dear, but this cake isn't for us,

it's for Mr. Wilson.

- Mr. Wilson?

How come?

- Oh, I just feel sorry for him, all alone in that house.

- Where's Mrs. Wilson?

- She's gone back east for a while, dear.

- Oh.

When the cake's ready, can I take it over to Mr. Wilson?

- You sound a little too anxious.

I think it's be safer if I did it myself.

- That's right, son.

You might stumble and get your face in it.

[music playing]

[crash]

- Good heavens, what was that?

[theme music]

- And what kind of driving is that supposed to be?

- You're not blaming me.

- Mrs. Elkins, this is not England.

Here, people are supposed to drive

on the right side of the street.

Or, don't you know your right from your left?

- Well, maybe you don't know that when a gentleman sees

a lady coming, he ought to get out of the way!

[laughter]

- Whether or not I am a gentleman is beside the point.

The issue is, my headlight is busted.

- Why tell me?

I'm not a repairman. [laughter]

- Just a minute.

This isn't settled yet.

- It is as far as I'm concerned.

And don't try to tell me it was my fault.

After all, I've been in enough accidents

to know who was to blame.

[laughter]

- I'm warning you, madam.

This isn't settled yet.

- Ha! Pish, posh!

[laughter] [laughter]

[theme music]

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Mr. Wilson!

Are you home?

- No, I'm not.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): But you answered me!

- All right, then.

I'll give you exactly 10 seconds.

Whoop. Time's up.

Time's up. [laughter]

- But I'm not in yet.

- I know.

Just a gentle hint that I'm very busy.

- Hey, I saw that run-in you had with Mrs. Elkins

a little while ago.

- Oh, that impossible woman.

She ran smack into me. - Hey!!

Look at all those feathers!

Boy, what's all this?

- Those are some things I picked up

last year in the jungles of Haiti.

My magazine wanted an article on witchcraft.

Now, if you don't mind--

- Witchcraft!?

Boy, that sounds spooky.

What's this?

Did you play with dolls when you were in Haiti?

- That is a voodoo doll, Dennis.

Witch doctors use them to cause unpleasant things

to happen to people they don't like.

- Yeah?

How?

- Well, for example, if a witch doctor wanted to put a hex

on some disagreeable person, say, like, Mrs. Elkins--

- Mrs. Elkins?

- Yes.

This doll would represent Mrs. Elkins.

The witch doctor would stick this pin in it, close his eyes

and say, Aba goo, aba goo, boo la ah, a tone-ee.

- What would that do?

- Oh, there's no telling.

Something awful might happen to her.

She might even disappear.

- Gee, I bet you know a lot about witch doctors.

- Oh, you bet I do.

I lived for three days with the witch doctor.

He told me everything he knew.

- Golly!

- Now, suppose this doll represented you, Dennis,

and I wanted to make you disappear.

Aba goo, aba goooo--

- Okay, I'm going!

[laughter]

- Here's the only dollar I can find.

- Well, this'll do okay, I guess.

Now where did I put that pin?

Oh yeah, here.

- That's all you need, just a doll and a pin?

- Yeah.

First, you stick the pin in, like this.

Then you close your eyes and say the magic words.

Aba goo, aba goo--

- Hey, Dennis?

Who're we putting this hex on?

- Hey, that's right.

Do you know anybody that you want to make disappear?

- How about Jimmy Peters?

He's a wise guy.

- OK.

Aba goo, aba goo--

- No, wait.

He owes me a nickle.

I don't want him to disappear until I get it.

[laughter]

- Come on, we got to think of somebody.

- Uh-oh, here comes that dumb old Margaret!

- Go ahead.

Try it on her.

- OK.

First, we stick the pin in.

Aba goo, aba goo, goo la moo--

- Bologna!

[laughter]

- It worked, she's gone!

- Aw, she didn't disappear.

- I bet even a real witch doctor couldn't get rid

of that dumb old Margaret. [laughter]

- I heard my name mentioned.

Don't you know it's impolite to talk

about people behind their backs?

- Oh, we weren't talking behind your back, Margaret,

you were coming straight at us!

- Well, well, since when do boys start playing with dolls?

- This is a voodoo doll, Margaret,

and you don't know how close it came to making you disappear.

- Ha, ha, ha!

Where'd you get that nonsense?

- From Mr. Wilson, that's who.

- Tell her what he's doing to Mrs. Elkins

cause she ran into him. - He's putting a hex on her.

Mr. Wilson knows all about witch doctor stuff.

- What's he doing to her?

- I don't know, but a witch doctor

can make anything happen.

- Hey, let's go see Mrs. Elkins and find out.

- Yeah, come on!

- That's the silliest thing I've ever heard of.

- Well, if you think it's so silly,

what are you tagging along for?

- I just want to see you when you find out how stupid you are.

[laughter]

- Well, children, you still haven't

told me the reason for your visit.

- They've been too busy eating.

- Well, Dennis?

- Has anything bad happened to you today, Mrs. Elkins?

- Tommy!

- Bad?

- I should say so.

Ever since she got up this morning.

This has been a terrible day for her.

- What happened?

- Well, first she dropped one of her best china plates,

and, and then she cut her finger,

and then her cat scratched her.

- What made your cat do that, Mrs. Elkins?

- Why, I don't know.

She never did anything like that before.

I don't know what got into her.

[laughter]

- Why are you staring at me like that?

- Who, us? [laughter]

- Why don't you tell her, Dennis?

- That new Mr. Wilson put a hex on you.

- A hex?

- Now, Tommy, I'll have to tell her.

Well, Mr. Wilson stuck a pin in a voodoo doll.

Something bad might be happening to you today.

- Now what kind of ridiculous talk is that?

- Oh, it isn't ridiculous talk, Mrs. Elkins.

Mr. Wilson knows all about being a witch doctor.

- Witch doctor? - Yeah!

He lived with one in Haiti and he learned all voodoo,

and putting hexes on people, and--

- Now that's enough of that.

I don't find this sort of talk at all amusing.

[meowing]

- For goodness sake, Lucy!

You better do something about those cats.

Sounds like somebody put a hex on them.

- Would everybody please stop talking about hexes?

As if there

were such a thing.

[meowing]

[window opening]

- Buff, Tabby!

Stop that!

Witch doctor! [window slams]

[laughter]

- Gracious, Lucy, you might have been hurt!

- Jeepers!

It's really working!

[laughter]

- Stop it, all of you.

It's absurd.

That man's no more a witch doctor than I am,

is he, Tinkerbell? [cat yowls]

[laughter] - Wow!

That cat must know something.

They pal around with witches, you know.

[laughter]

- That's enough.

Children, you'll have to run along now.

Thank you for coming.

Good-bye.

- Good-bye, Mrs. Elkins.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

And good luck.

- Goodbye.

- Carrie, you don't believe that man Wilson had

anything to do with all this, do you?

- Well, after all, Lucy, you did smash up his car

and he warned you he'd do something about it.

Well, something is making all these things happen.

- Oh!

It's too ridiculous.

I refuse to be intimidated.

[phone rings]

[glass breaking] [cat yowls]

[laughter]

[phone rings]

- Oh, I'm coming!

I'm coming.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

Oh, Maybelle.

Say, what do you know about that Mr. Wilson?

Well, I'm beginning to wonder about him.

Strange things have been happening.

- Well, thank you, Alice.

Oh my, that looks delicious.

You've been working so hard on that magazine article of yours,

I thought you deserved a nice home-baked cake.

- That was very thoughtful of you.

- Oh, and if you have any trouble finishing it,

I'm sure Dennis will be happy to help you.

As a neighborly gesture, of course.

- I'm sure he will.

Oh, and speaking of neighbors, I've

been thinking about giving a little party

so I could meet some of your nice neighbors.

- Oh, what a good idea!

- And I wondered if you and Henry would act as co-hosts

and help with the invitation list?

- Of course.

We'd love to.

- I had intended doing this much sooner,

but I've been so busy writing my next magazine article.

- Yes.

Dennis tells me you're quite an expert on voodoo.

In fact, he thinks you're something of a witch doctor.

- Well, he was rather impressed with the paraphernalia

I've collected.

- He certainly was.

- Incidentally, I have some film and recorded

tribal ceremonies and rituals.

I could show those at the party if you

think the guests would be interested in such a thing.

- I think that's a wonderful idea!

- And that gives me another idea.

We could send out the invitations

with little voodoo dolls attached.

- Mr. Wilson, I think you have a little Elsa Maxwell in you.

Well, I better be going.

- Oh, uh, just a minute.

I'll walk out with you.

When you arrived, I was just going out

to sweep up the glass from that accident this morning.

I forgot all about it.

I don't want anyone to cut a tire on it.

- You'll invite Mrs. Elkins to your party, of course?

- Well of course!

You can't have a witch doctor party without a witch.

[laughter]

- Well.

- Thank you.

Now you let us know just as soon as you

need us to help with the arrangements.

- Thanks again, Alice.

- All right. Bye.

- Bye.

[car driving]

[laughter]

[car tire blowout]

[laughter]

- I tried to warn you!

[laughter]

- And for no reason at all, Agnes,

he ran out and put a hex on my tire.

[laughter]

- Why, my goodness!

That Lucy Elkins was right.

- Oh, yes!

He's a witch doctor for sure!

He even had a broom. [laughter]

- A broom?

Well, I never!

Carrie, I'll call you right back.

I've got to tell Hazel about this.

[laughter]

- And I checked all the addresses for you.

- Oh, splendid, Alice.

I appreciate your helping me with the guest list.

And now I better see about getting some voodoo dolls

to go along with the invitations.

Do you have a five and dime store handy?

- Well, Smalley's is the closest.

- Can I go with you, Mr. Wilson?

I'll show you where it is.

- All right, Dennis.

Thank you.

- Sounds like you're going to have a real swell party.

- When John Wilson gives a party, it's a real--

- Wingding.

That's the word.

And a rooty- toot- toot!

- Come on, my boy.

- I tell you, Lucy Elkins hasn't been the same

since he stuck a pin in that voodoo doll.

- And he seemed like such a nice man.

- Looks can be deceiving, Mr. Smalley.

- He's a witch doctor, all right.

Why, yesterday in the market, he just

looked at Amy Putnam and she got the hives.

- Oh, Amy Putnam can get the hives

just looking at strawberries.

- But she wasn't looking at strawberries.

She was buying lamb chops.

[laughter] [bell ringing]

- Speak of the devil!

- Good morning.

- Hi, Mr. Smalley.

- Hello, Dennis.

- I want to buy some dolls.

[laughter]

- Yes, small ones, about there so.

- You know, Mr. Smalley, like the kind

you make into voodoo dolls.

[laughter]

- Dennis, I wanted to keep that secret.

[laughter]

- H-h-how many dolls do you want?

- Well, let's see.

How many people I have to take care of.

[laughter]

- About a dozen.

[laughter]

- I see.

- Better make it 15.

I might decide to include someone

else at the last minute.

[laughter] [theme music]

- Jeepers, they looked like they were scared of something.

[laughter]

- Uhh, Mr. Wilson, I don't have 15 dolls like you want on hand.

I, I may have some in the stock room.

Uh, uh, it'll take a little while.

- Well then, I'll come back.

Eh-- you won't disappoint me, will you Mr. Smalley?

- Oh no no, no. [laughter]

- Hey, Mr. Wilson, are you going to send

Mr. Smalley a doll, too?

He's a neighbor.

- Oh?

Oh, are you a neighbor of mine, Mr. Smalley?

- Who, me?

Oh, no, sir.

I live miles away.

[laughter]

- When did you move? - Tomorrow.

[laughter]

- What would Mr. Wilson be doing with 15 dolls?

- Well, one sure thing is, he isn't gonna play Santa Claus.

- He's gonna make voodoo dolls.

- Voodoo dolls?

- That's why we called you.

Sargent Mooney, 15 people are in mortal peril!

[laughter]

- Don't you think you ladies are making a big fuss over nothing?

Witch doctors-- that's kid stuff.

- You wouldn't say that if he tried to slam a window down

on your head, and turned your old cat against you.

[laughter]

- What you want me to do?

- Investigate him.

- Arrest him.

- I can't arrest a man just for-- for dolls.

All right, all right.

The law must protect the community.

All members of it.

So, I will look into the matter. Ladies.

[laughter]

- You hear that?

That's what I want to play at the party.

[tribal music]

- Isn't that something?

Oh, that's fascinating.

That'll teach me to complain about rock and roll.

- Jeepers, that's keen.

Well, what are they doing?

- Well, it's an ancient tribal ceremony.

The warriors are being driven to a frenzy by the witch doctor,

before going into battle.

This goes on all night.

Let me show you.

[tribal music]

Now, the witch doctor puts on all these things, like this.

He wears a mask, and a headdress,

and the gyrations he goes through!

Ooo- ooh- whoo- whoo--

- (LAUGHING)

- Whoa, I'm going to learn that kind of dancing.

- You'll never get that in dancing school, my boy.

[laughter] - I'll tell you what.

Why don't you two sit down right over there,

and I'll go through the whole ceremonial for you.

- Good.

[tribal music]

- Boy, he sure knows a lot about witch doctors.

[tribal music]

[drums beating]

[laughter]

[drums beating]

[drums and tribal music]

[laughter]

[drums and tribal music]

- Now I've seen everything.

[laughter]

- So, I think it's up to us to do something about it,

since we can't depend upon the police to act.

- And after what you yourself saw yesterday.

- But my hands are tied.

I talked to the chief.

And there's nothing in the book that says a man cannot

entertain a tribe of headhunters in his own home,

if he wants to.

- The nerve of that man.

Sending people voodoo dolls.

And asking them to come to a party.

- Uh, have you got one of those voodoo dolls?

- Right here.

- Having a party Friday at eight.

Lots of fun, so don't be late.

RSVP.

- My answer is a firm no.

- I'm not going, either.

- I wouldn't go near that man's house.

- Hadn't we better get Henry and Alice Mitchell on our side?

- Oh, you know them.

Sitting right next door, they're probably

already taken in by him.

- Here, uh, you better take this.

[laughter]

- Lucy, aren't you afraid to keep that doll around?

- I've already been hexed.

But who will be next?

That's the point.

[laughter]

- Henry, there's something fishy going on.

Everybody's calling up to say they're not coming to my party.

- Well, that's strange.

Hasn't anyone accepted?

- Yes, you and Alice.

Am I being deliberately snubbed for some reason?

- I don't know why, John.

I thought everyone was anxious to meet you.

Uh, OK, we'll see you tonight.

So long, John.

- Goodbye, Henry.

- Isn't that something, though?

- What's the matter?

- Looks like you and I are going to be

the only guests at the party tonight.

You mean everybody's refusing to come?

- But they can't do that to Mr. Wilson.

He's going to a lot of trouble to have this party.

- John sounded like he was taking it pretty hard.

- The poor man.

This is dreadful.

- It's not fair.

- Where are you off to, son?

- I'm going to see that he isn't disappointed.

Mr. Wilson's going to have his party.

[door slams]

- There's no sign of a party going on.

- We've got the right night.

- Oh, it's the right night, all right.

- Well, I guess we cooked his goose.

- Serves him right, him and his black magic.

- My goodness, who was that?

- That looked like little Jerry Spinks.

- Oh?

What's he doing, going into that awful man's house?

- There's no telling.

I wonder how many other children he's got in there.

- Ohh.

- I'd better go and call Jerry's mother, and Sargent Mooney,

too. [laughter]

- Isn't that pretty?

(CHORUS OF VOICES) YES!

- Now, this is old Aba Tu, the chief of the tribe.

I-- I guess he didn't heed the warning

to brush his teeth after every meal.

- [children laughing]

- Now, here's the native village.

Uh, notice the grass huts.

You have to be very careful when you mow your lawn,

or you'll find yourself homeless.

[laughter]

- Aren't the children fascinated?

- Yes.

It's a shame their parents didn't come.

Threw me for a loop when Smalley told me why.

[laughter]

[doorbell]

- Oh, hello Mrs. Mitchell.

Uh, Mrs. Elkins said all the kids in the neighborhood

are here.

What's going on, exactly?

- Why don't you all come in and see?

- Well, we've just come for our children.

[laughter]

- Sargeant Mooney

- Hello, Mr. Mitchell.

- Well, I see we have some more guests.

I'm delighted that our adult neighbors

decided to join the younger group.

[laughter] - Come in.

Come in.

- Now, this is the dreaded crocodile.

Every year, these creatures take a countless toll

of human lives.

Now these are the native warriors.

These men are recognized as the bravest in the entire world.

There are only two things they're afraid of.

The crocodile and their wives.

The warriors' wives, that is, not the crocodiles'.

[laughter]

- I don't see anything wrong going on here.

[laughter]

- And that concludes our little showing.

For the benefit of those who came in late,

that film was taken on my recent trip

to Haiti, where I was gathering material for a magazine article

on the subject of voodoo.

- Which hardly makes him a witch doctor, does it, Mrs. Elkins?

[laughter]

- And getting back to the subject of witch doctors--

the witch doctor only is feared because

of ignorance and superstition.

The same things that set neighbor

against neighbor, and people against people, all

over the world.

- Just like it happened in our neighborhood.

- That's right.

And now, if my co-hosts Mr. And Mrs. Mitchell

would lead you to the dining room,

I'm sure you'd all enjoy some refreshments.

I hope there's enough to go around.

Thanks to Dennis' little, uh, club meeting,

there's a larger turnout than I expected.

- Won't you join us, Mrs. Elkins?

- Well, I guess I can stay for a minute.

- You sure thought up a swell party, Mr. Wilson.

- Well, I didn't think it up alone, Tommy.

This was a case of two heads being better than one.

Right, Dennis?

- Yeah, and with all that ice cream in there, right now

I'm thinking two tummies would be better than

[laughter]

- I'll lend you mine.

[laughter]

- Come on, children.

Come on. [applause]

[theme music]