Original subtitles

[Sergeant] Why the fuck are you always

drinking that shit, Lawrence?

Kill Cliff?

Oh man, it's way better than

that shit you're putting in yourself.

Look, get this, it'll get you through the day.

No sugar, 20 calories, B vitamins, electrolytes,

it's all the good stuff.

Yeah, it's yum-yum in your tum-tums, huh?

Yeah, yeah, dude.

So many good flavors, pomegranate punch,

lemon-lime, blood orange.

Great, why are you pushing this so hard, anyways?

I'm an ambassador, you know.

Of course you are.

Let me guess, let me guess, you have a code?

Yeah, of course.

And your code is Twink Private?

It's Big Boy Private.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

But, you know, I don't push anything I don't believe in,

I mean it'll help you slim down

and give you big dick energy.

I think you might need some, here.

Yeah.

Cheers.

That one's yours, keep it, Sergeant.

(fun music)

Hmm.

Yep.

So it can enhance my erections?

Yep, gives you that big dick energy.

All right, I'm in. (laughing)

You sold me. - Glad to hear that.

Heck yeah.

You got me, Lawrence.

Say that again.

That's pretty good.

All right, I'll take a couple cases.

Gimme your QR code, that 10% thing.

It's Big Boy Private.

Come again?

Big Boy Private.

Of course it is.

Butts.

Please, roll down your window, sir.

Hey, what's up, man?

Oh, shit.

I'm gonna need you to cut that engine off.

Alright.

Can I see some ID?

Yeah, man.

Yeah. - What's your business

on the base today?

This guy looks like a loser.

Holy shit, you're a dependent.

Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

Dean, get over here.

That is rad as fuck.

He's a dependent.

[Dean] You're a male dependent?

[Charlie] Yeah, it's pretty fucking awesome.

So, are you a stay at home husband or do you have a job?

I basically do whatever the fuck I want,

but I got all these side hustles.

Like right now, I've got this Kill Cliff thing,

it's fucking amazing.

You guys want a couple of cases?

Hell yeah.

This guy's like the Holy Grail of sharing.

(laughing)

Here's your ID.

Butts, umbrella.

- Sure, thank you. - How about that.

My pleasure.

I love your jacket, man.

It looks right out of that collection.

Oh, thanks.

I'm going for this kinda Thriller thing, you know?

I get it.

M.J., quickly, quickly.

Oh, two, you're so nice!

(laughing)

You know we love free shit.

Oh, my god.

Thank you so much. - You're welcome.

What's your name again?

Charlie.

Charlie?

I'm Butts.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, man.

Yeah, big ol' Butts.

Sand bags, sand bags.

So, then we have this one

and I usually drink this one before you go to the gym.

- Okay. - Or you can

even mix some with alcohol.

I drink them all the time.

They're so good.

You go to the gym often?

Yeah, I like to, actually, a lot.

You look really fit.

Thank you.

Do you?

Yeah, I work out sometimes.

Oh, I appreciate that.

I appreciate that. - So, go on.

Oh, yeah man.

So, I do a little bit of things to make money on the side,

you know what I'm saying?

The wife take care of me,

but I film a little bit of porn here and there.

Not that lame porn that everybody's tired of.

I'm talking about cake farting porn, amputee porn,

little bit of preggo porn.

If you can get the water breaking on camera,

that's millions of views.

That's how you make your money, okay?

[Dean] I hear the weirder it is,

the more people really get into it.

Oh, yeah, man.

I also sell Nine Eleven memorabilia,

you know what I'm saying?

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you can get celebrities to sign it,

way more money.

You see this right here?

This is from the Twin Towers,

but Dwayne the Rock Johnson signed it.

That's a rock signed by the Rock.

Don't touch it.

What flavor do you have here?

This is blood orange.

It's one of my favorites.

Yeah.

You can recover after a long day of work.

Oh, okay.

What's you work like?

Well, I hit the gym, I never stop working out,

and as you can tell, here, feel my bicep.

Wow.

Yeah.

I can't tell underneath this, but it feels great.

Alright, all these side hustles

bring me in way more money.

The Kill Cliff stuff, that's just an extra to boost, okay?

You got hot girls drinking delicious beverages.

That's just science right there, alright?

Do you do piss porn?

Piss porn?

Yeah?

For you, I can.

You got some money, maybe a credit card?

I just wanna watch it.

Well, you're no good to me.

Are you trying to get me drunk?

You know, I'm just having a little fun.

You ever loosen up or anything?

I can use that.

Does this look cool?

Yeah, you're kinda cute.

[Girl] Yeah.

This guy's like Dan Bilzerian,

but somebody we can actually look up to.

So, your wife, she let's you just hang out

with these chicks?

Do you get to fuck?

I mean, I see a titty every once in a while,

and then sometimes touch the titty, fondle,

and then sometimes penetrate.

So, do you fuck your own wife or you fuck multiple chicks,

the other chicks?

How does that work?

Well, it's usually A, B, C, D, and all the above.

This man shammed a marriage!

Oh, my god.

How'd you meet her?

In a porta-potty at a Diamond Rio concert.

Where'd you guys meet your wives?

I met both of them at a Juggalo concert.

I can see that.

That makes sense.

Women don't look at me.

That makes even more sense.

Let me dry you off here.

Oh, thank you.

You're kinda wet.

Don't forget this side.

Okay.

So, are you paying her or is she an actual side chick?

How does that work?

Pay the girls?

What do I look like, a congressman?

Yeah, from Bakersfield.

I'd vote for him.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Do you love your wife?

Of course I love my wife.

And you fuck other chicks?

Yeah.

And she knows you fuck other chicks?

Yeah, she fucks them with me.

So, do you have any special stretches

that you like, to do?

No, but maybe you could show me?

Well, we can always find out.

[Lawrence] Okay

I feel like this guy could sell me Beanie Babies.

Oh yeah, I sell Beanie Babies out the ass.

There's still a market for them, man.

They haven't been big since 1995.

What are you talking about?

They're still big.

Do you know how many middle aged men come to my page

and buy fucking Beanie Babies out the ass?

They'll max out their credit cards to this day.

Bronies.

I bet you it's Bronies.

I gotta know your secret.

There's a lot to work with here.

You're a handsome guy, but what is your trick?

My trick to what?

Pulling in hot bitches or my trick to making money?

Everything.

Well, the trick is hot bitches.

[Dean] You make me wanna get a face tattoo.

Oh, you should have one.

Oh, my god.

They won't let us.

What?

They won't let you have face tattoos?

Big army.

That's why I'm going SF.

[Charlie] Ah.

I've already tried out seven times.

That makes sense.

Why aren't you guys dependents?

I was already married twice.

I have the dependents.

That makes sense.

You're like AIDS, man.

But you're the good version of AIDs.

That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.

I feel like this is a real moment.

I wanna thank you for your service, sir.

Thank you.

You're an inspiration to all of us

who really, truly wanna know what the sham life is about.

Thank you for your service, bud.

You're welcome, ma'am.

I gotta go, okay?

Okay.

Let me get that for you.

Does he always do this?

Only when he marks on you, like a baby bird.

Okay.

Okay.

Charlie, you mother fucker.

- Ma'am! - Shut the fuck up!

Get the fuck in the car.

We have sex to do.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, god.

You too, sugar tits.

Let's get in. - Beanie Babies.

Beanie Babies. - Go!

Okay.

Oh, god.

Jesus. - What's happening?

Charlie?

Beanie Babies.

You're a good man!

You're doing God's work!

(door opening)

Butts, I'm calling my mom and I'm gonna have her Fed Ex me

a whole bunch of those Beanie Babies she's got

up in the attic. (chuckling)

Hey, so Lawrence.

Yes, Sergeant?

How do I become a brand ambassador.

Ooh, I want my QR code to be ArmyGuy69,

if it's not taken, you know?

I think that'd be great.

Can I be BigBoyButts?

No.

(upbeat music)

God damn, Lawrence, you drive like my grandmother.

It's not 'cause I'm Asian.

It's a new car for me.

I don't--

I'm woke as fuck.

I never said it was 'cause you're Asian.

Okay, yeah.

Just stay in between the lines.

I'm on my side.

Hey, I swear to God, kid,

I'm gonna send you to medical, get your goddam eyes checked.

Where are we going?

We're just patrolling?

Yeah, we're just going around.

Okay, we're looking for suspects.

Also, if there's illegals around here,

I know we're in Georgia and you're not really

gonna run into border crossers, but you never know.

I'm still waiting for the day that it happens.

Why?

Because it's my glory moment.

I'm going into the border patrol

when I get out of the Army.

That's a weird goal, Sergeant.

Yeah, six figures a year

is a weird fucking goal, isn't it?

Hey, have fun working at a gas station

when you get out of the Army, kid.

So, let's say we see a perp.

What do we do?

Alright, there are three things you need to know

when dealing with a perp.

First off, you always look at their hands, not their face.

Their face isn't gonna pull a gun out on you.

Second thing you need to know

is if they're hiking up their pants and looking around,

you better snatch 'em up because they're gonna run.

Beat 'em to it.

Third thing, when you show up to a scene and it's chaotic,

if there's a guy without a shirt on,

deal with that son of a bitch first

'cause he's the one most likely causing a problem.

Is that a real thing, that last one?

Yes, it's a real thing.

I just told you those are the rules.

Sometimes I just don't know if I can trust you.

I'm glad that you finally came around to Kill Cliff.

I love Kill Cliff.

(spitting)

Yeah, it's got a little bite to it, huh?

Is that vodka?

Yeah, it's been a long week.

Is that why I'm driving?

Yep.

(upbeat music)

- Again? - Again.

Again.

Every single time.

Whoa, this oughta be good.

Well, Lawrence, you got this one.

Yes, Sergeant.

(birds chirping)

What?

I can't hear you.

Roll down your window, sir.

Can I help you?

Yeah, your license is a piece of cardboard.

I don't consent to this search.

Article four, we're free-traveling people.

We do not need registration.

It is taxation, which is theft, sir.

- Okay, okay. - Thank you, sir.

(door opening)

Sergeant.

What?

They're sovereign citizens.

Really?

Yeah.

Sergeant Dean?

I think Christmas has come a little early this year.

You're gonna wanna get down here.

[Dean] Roger that.

No.

Not there yet?

Okay?

What up there, wonder twins?

What did your powers activate on today?

We've got some ripe ones over here.

Sovereign citizens.

I can see the cardboard plate.

God, they must be stupid.

Everything.

They have everything.

Go back to your post, Lawrence.

It's a four day weekend.

The privates are having fun, and now it's my turn.

(upbeat music)

(knocking)

Roll down your window.

(knocking)

Gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh, wow.

Hey, boys.

We're gonna need you to get out of the car real quick.

Lawrence.

Well, hidey-ho fellas.

It seems as though we have a breakdown in communication

'cause my guy says you don't wanna give him your license.

So, where are you coming from?

Where are you coming from?

The club.

What club is that?

Church.

Oh.

The club. - Oh, club church.

No, I've heard of it.

Happening place, yeah.

Are you doing the one where you pray to Jesus

or the one where you're dropping a bunch

of fucking dope into your veins?

The happy club, right?

Yeah.

Anything?

[Lawrence] Nothing in the car.

Did you pop the trunk?

[Lawrence] Yeah.

You.

(fingers snapping)

Pop your trunk.

Jesus Christ, Lawrence, pop his trunk.

I will have you know, Article Four, section two,

clause one, the Privileges and Immunities Clause

states that this here vessel can travel freely

upon the roadway, sir.

I will have you know.

Oh, my god.

This is a vessel?

Then that must make me a dirty, dirty little road pirate.

Well, allow me to get into that booty, gentlemen.

Stay right there.

Do not move.

[Lawrence] You ready, Sarge?

[Butts] Yeah.

(gasping)

Shit.

Fuck. (laughing)

Oh, shit.

Come over here, Lawrence.

Um, check for a pulse.

I think that's the first thing we're gonna wanna do.

Mmm hmm.

I have no idea, Sergeant.

What do you mean you have no idea?

Try it yourself.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, she's dead.

(laughing)

Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity

of the situation.

We're talking about the Articles of Confederation.

We are sovereign, sir.

Oh, the Articles of Confederation.

My bad.

I thought those were disbanded when we had the Constitution

of the United States.

You know, the thing that made the federal government

that pays for me to be here.

We don't recognize that government, sir.

Holy shit, you don't recognize me?

- You heard me. - He's got his camera out.

I thought I was famous.

He's being filmed.

Don't worry, it's okay.

Yeah, you search the vehicle,

I'm gonna talk to these fine gentlemen over here.

You.

Hi.

Are you gonna be able to do this this time?

What's your name?

Lopez, Sergeant.

Great.

I thought I was gonna have to go into Jeopardy music there,

but you got it.

Great job.

Lopez.

Okay, where are you coming from, Lopez?

Church club.

Church club, right.

Forgot about that.

I'm glad you guys are all on the same page right now.

Sergeant.

Yeah?

Got some contraband.

Aw, shit, Lawrence.

This is your first bust.

[Lawrence] Yes, Sergeant.

Popping some cherries on the berries.

(laughing) Alright.

Well, you know where to put this.

Evidence bag.

Yes, Sergeant.

Keep looking for more stuff, pal.

Hi.

(fingers snapping)

Hello.

What's your name?

Ha.

Uh?

And what tribe are you from, uh?

What century are you from, uh?

Sergeant.

Got another one.

What do we got here?

Holy shit.

Wocka wocka, we got flocka.

Great job.

Two for two.

You're making the highlight reel tonight, Lawrence.

Yes!

Sergeant Dean is gonna be so happy.

This is your bust.

Don't let him take that away from you.

Don't touch him.

Keep searching.

We're gonna send this to our attorney.

He's being filmed.

You're gonna send it to your attorney.

A public defender isn't an attorney, guy.

That's just the guy that takes after your case

after I'm done with ya.

Yeah, let that sink in.

Now that we've built a nice rapport, what's your name?

Private Vanilla Fudge.

Are you Canadian?

(laughing)

- German. - Sergeant.

I have one more.

Holy shit.

If I was not in the military,

we could be having fun with this bad boy right here.

Great job, Lawrence. (laughing)

You are gonna be put in for a promotion in six months.

Do not touch him.

Keep searching her. (laughing)

Oh, you're a special one, aren't you?

So, you know what I'm gonna ask next.

What's your name?

Ken.

Ken Kaniff from Connecticut, you automated piece of shit?

What's going on here?

(farting)

Oh, my god.

She's alive. (laughing)

Holy shit.

If you two don't step outside this car,

you're gonna be big on YouTube,

'cause I'm gonna drag you out of it

by your chinny-chin-chins

and I'm starting with you, Chocolate Thunder.

Sergeant.

That is a queef.

What's a queef?

Yeah, it's a powerful force.

I don't know if that's a post-mortem queef

or an alive queef though.

Let's just-- - She's--

Okay.

She's breathing, great.

Pull her out, get her to that station over there.

We're gonna have to keep searching her, okay?

Okay.

You know what?

I'm sick of this.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

- And he's racist. - You know what?

Quit talking about it, start being about it.

(door opening)

- What is he doing? - Uh oh.

(door closing)

Gentlemen, you have made a colossal error.

(laughing)

So, I'm gonna break it down nice and Barney style for ya.

We can either go about this the easy way

or the hard way.

The choice is yours.

Alright, listen boys.

We've seen this before.

These hookers, they roam around town,

they see these GI cars, they sneak in,

they're trying to get in the base

to fuck half the infantry.

So listen, Lopez, Uh uh uh, Private Vanilla Fudge, and Ken.

Boys, have a great night.

Get back on base safely, okay?

(door closing)

Come on, boys.

You can do this.

Uh uh uh, you having a problem?

You having a problem?

You good?

Get in there.

Make sure you put that seatbelt on

'cause I will bust you before you get to that gate

if you don't get that seatbelt on.

Seat belts on?

Yeah, that's good.

That's a good private right there.

(gate opening)

You boys have a good one.

I don't think they're okay, Sarge.

(gate closing)

God damn.

(screaming)

Get out of the car. (screaming)

That's it, that's it.

I'm gonna put you in a choke hold.

(screaming and shouting)

You're all going.

(upbeat music)

[Announcer] Finally, in shield training, there's a bell,

a brass bell that hangs in the center of the compound

for all the students to see.

All you have to do to quit,

all you have to do to quit is ring the bell.

Ring the bell and you no longer have to wake up

at five o'clock.

Ring the bell and you no longer have to be

in the freezing cold swims.

Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs,

the obstacle course, the PT,

and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.

All you have to do is ring the bell to get out.

(dramatic chill music)

If you wanna change the world,

don't ever, ever ring the bell.

(dramatic chill music)