Original subtitles

Gosh dang it, Dean!

You know better than that.

Never trust a breakfast burrito.

Get over here, weirdo.

Gonna make this quick.

Daddy's got a case of the bubble guts.

The commander's gonna be bringing in the local PD today.

They're gonna give us a block of instruction

on God knows what.

But here the deal, we are the military.

They are the paramilitary.

We're standing tall and looking good.

Super squared away, hooah? - Hooah.

You got this, buddy.

(breathes heavily)

Round two, okay.

God dang it.

I don't trust local cops.

Why not?

Look what they did to O.J.

Do you think the mitts of a Hall of Fame running back

are gonna fit into gloves like that?

Fuck no.

Only the hands of a soft, supple 20-year-old

would fill those puppies.

The glove don't fit,

'cause O.J.

didn't do it.

(bangs wall)

- Lawrence, my baby wipes! - Yes, Sergeant.

(upbeat music)

I can't tell if that's a tiny dick

or a gigantic clit.

If I ever get my penis chopped off

and turned into a vagina,

I'm gonna make it into a game where I take a bunch of Viagra

and maintain a hard-on so a tattoo artist

can make stick figure men on the sides,

so when they tuck it in, if they put a camera in there,

it'd look like an ancient cave with cave drawings on it.

That'd be a story for archeologists.

I wonder how you can keep one moist,

like naturally lubricated.

Do you have a variety of options?

Maybe you can use KY, or Vaseline,

or vegetable oil, or olive oil.

Can you use whatever you want, or is there specific cream

for post-op women to use, like a prescribed thing?

I bet you it's like a Shake Weight that's hallowed out.

Like she's got like an insulin pump full of KY jelly.

I feel that with the evolution of modern technology,

that we could have a fully animated vagina, like a robot.

But it'd have to take, like, a weird hybrid of Valvoline.

Could you imagine taking your vagina to Valvoline

for an oil change?

Embarrassing.

You know, if Elon Musk can put a man in space,

I'm sure as fuck that we can create a vagina

that can maintain the proper moisture levels.

All right, y'all, thank you for having us here today.

We'll be giving you a peer of instruction

on proper searching techniques,

as well as defensive tactics.

Okay, now, to begin the day,

begin with a peer of instruction.

Officer Bishop, would you mind being my assistant?

Yes, ma'am, of course.

Thank you, sir, can I get a volunteer?

Sergeant Butts.

(snoring) - Yeah?

- Thank you for volunteering. - Yes, sir.

Come on up here to the front please.

You address her as ma'am!

All right, come on up here, Sergeant Butts.

Let's go, hurry on up.

Okay, you're gonna stand right here

and you're gonna face Officer Bishop.

Don't be too enthusiastic now.

Okay, so I'm gonna talk y'all through

the proper search procedures.

Officer Bishop's gonna walk y'all through

the proper search procedures.

So first thing you're gonna do,

is you're gonna tell the individual to turn around

and put his hands behind his head.

Turn around, put your hands on your head,

interlock your fingers.

Interlocking fingers is important 'cause next thing

is to gain positive control of that individual.

You do that with your left hand,

left foot comes in between the legs, okay,

once we spread 'em, of course.

Now, next, search begins with the right hand on the hip.

Slide that down the leg, look for any form of contraband.

Wrap around the ankle, that's where we see

some of these perps stickin' knives and whatnot inside.

Then you're gonna come around the inside.

Swipe yourself all the way up to the groin area.

Now, is he high enough there?

Needs to be a little bit deeper, ma'am.

Yeah, I think he's right.

Come on up a little deeper there, Officer Bishop.

Yes, ma'am.

That's it, you never know what's in the groin, okay?

Swipe the groin, come around back up to the top

around the hip.

Now you search in the belt line.

Search in the belt line for knives, shanks, guns,

and things of the like.

You're gonna go from the belt line up to the chest area.

Now, the chest area, what?

We gotta question here.

What if it's a lady?

If it's a woman, that means she's got titties.

What do we say about titties?

Don't be scared of titties.

That's right, don't be scared of titties

'cause what do women hide in titties?

- Assault rifles. - Mm-hmm.

Goddamn assault rifles, you wouldn't believe.

So don't be easy on the titties.

Search all around, under, over, come around,

and then you're gonna get to the armpit.

Swipe under that armpit.

(sniffs) - Oh, Jesus Christ.

Ooh, I had a feeling he was stinkin'.

Okay, come around the armpit, around the shoulder.

And he's clean, now we're gonna switch it up.

Switch hands, maintaining positive control

of the individual at all times.

Keep your fucking hands up.

Okay, Sergeant Butts is cooperatin' now.

Okay, now you're gonna have that left hand on the hip,

you're gonna do the same thing on the left side.

Swipe down that leg, around the ankle.

Search for shanks in the boot, come up.

Get up in there in that groin, Officer Bishop.

Don't be scared now, good.

Okay, now come around, wrap back around the hip.

Come to the belt line, search for shanks and guns,

and whatnot in the belt line.

Come up on the chest, get all over them titties, 'cause why?

Don't be scared of titties.

'Cause we ain't scared of titties, okay?

Get all up on them titties.

Come around the underarm, shoulder.

Good, suspect does not have any contraband on him.

Now you're gonna step back from him and create that--

Reactionary gap, ma'am.

Reactionary gap, have him turn around.

Turn around, face me.

And we've got Officer Bishop standing in the proper--

Interview stance, ma'am.

Right, then you talk to your suspect

and learn whatever you need to learn.

Okay, thank you Sergeant Butts for being part

of our demonstration here, now we're gonna pair up.

I'm thinking I wanna pair up with this little,

good game there, Sergeant Butts.

The little Asian fellow, come on up.

We'll get you a latino fellow, over here, Sergeant Yarmark.

And we'll have the sergeant in the back,

we're gonna mix you up with Officer Bishop.

Gotta fix that uniform there, soldier.

Thank you, ma'am.

All right, turn around, put your hands on your head,

interlock your fingers.

Yes, officer.

Did you bring the pink cuffs, the ones that I like?

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, lock those, okay.

Spread those out a little bit.

And I start off with the hip.

We're gonna go down, we're gonna come up the inside

of the leg and get all up in there nice and deep like, yeah.

Nervous in front of your lady there?

Hey, don't talk about The Ma'am, all right?

Ooh, gentle.

Now, you can come up a little higher,

you need to check that.

You don't know what he's hiding in there.

Little higher.

Oh, that's right.

I've got a couple questions about her.

Is she seeing anybody right now?

She's not interested in your ass.

No, not me.

Nevermind.

Make sure you check the tits, remember.

Make sure there's no guns, knives, explosives,

IEDs, or grenades in there. - Yeah.

When was the last time you washed your balls?

I don't know.

I knew you were coming for a week, so, two week?

Shut the fuck up, please, my boss is here.

Don't be shy now.

Okay, don't be afraid of the titties.

Get it, don't be afraid of the titties.

Not afraid of the titties.

What did Officer Yarmark find in titties?

Assault rifles.

Assault rifles, that's right.

Get in them titties, don't be scared

Okay.

Left titty, too, loosen up.

- Yep, there we go. - Okay.

Okay, we checked the titties, now armpit.

Armpit.

All right, y'all.

Now that we've gotten our peer of instruction

on proper searching procedures,

we're gonna get into defensive tactics.

Officer Yarmark is the subject matter expert

on defensive tactics, Sergeant Yarmark.

Thank you, ma'am.

I'm Officer Yarmark with the Police Department.

I am the defensive tactics subject matter expert.

I know you learned a little bit

about defensive tactics in boot camp.

We're just gonna expand on that a little bit more today.

Does anyone know anything about defensive tactics?

I've got this, Mr. Officer man.

Got three words for you.

Aikido, defense, take, down.

Aikido wrist take down, Sergeant Butts.

Why don't you come up here and demonstrate that for us.

Absolutely.

For my soldiers here, the first thing you're gonna do,

come at me.

The first thing you're gonna do is grab the suspect

by the innards of his palm.

All right, you're gonna twist that puppy around.

Then you're gonna lift up.

(gags)

(coughs)

How'd that work out for you, there?

A small formality.

All right, let's try something else.

What are we gonna try now, Sergeant Butts?

We're gonna do a arm bar take down.

All right, what you're gonna do, same thing, come at me.

(breathes heavily)

You're gonna grab that wrist right there, all right?

What you're gonna do next is lock that elbow.

You're gonna swing out and--

(grunts)

You see this right here, you see this?

A crack whore on the streets will grab your nuts

like it's her last rock.

Thank you Sergeant Butts.

(grunting, coughing)

(farts)

Round of applause for Sergeant Butts' participation.

(clapping)

Most fights go to the ground,

which means you need to get good at fightin' on the ground.

Any volunteers?

All right, step right on up, Phil.

(clears throat)

If fights go to the ground,

we need to practice gettin' good fightin' on the ground.

Okay, so we're gonna start out with a mount here, okay?

What you want to do, as the officer in charge,

is get the mount on your opponent.

Let's go ahead an lie on your back, toes face me.

Everybody gather 'round here.

So in the full mount you got all kinds of options.

If fight goes to the ground, you need to get here.

When you get done wrestling, you wanna be right here, okay?

Get yourself situated on top,

get yourself a good little position right about here,

about midsection, okay?

You can manipulate his arms anywhere you want.

Now, get the arm bar goin' here like this.

Yank that sombitch.

Yank it, yank it, yank it, he's gonna tap.

He's gonna tap any day now.

You gonna tap? (slaps)

Ooh, there he goes, tap, tap, okay.

Now come around the other side here, get that arm bar goin'.

You get that arm bar in this position here.

I'm yankin', I'm yankin', I'm yankin'.

He's gonna tap any minute now.

Any minute now, he's gonna tap any minute.

Ah, there he goes, he's gonna tap, right?

Okay, here we go, now we're switchin' up now.

You might be the one on the ground.

You might be mounted, okay?

Flip it up.

Mount me.

All right, that's it.

Okay.

I wanna get cozy here.

I don't want my gun gettin' fucked up.

Okay, let's go, hop up on a full mount now.

So, perpetrator's got you in a full mount.

How you gonna get off him?

Well, you're gonna buck him off, okay?

Get one of your feet outside of his leg.

Get your other foot on the other side of his leg.

Pin it, then you gotta buck him off.

(grunts)

Okay, you're gonna buck him off.

Okay, hold on, I got it.

Gotta buck him.

Okay, I got it, I got it.

Gotta buck him.

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck.

Ah, there you go, okay.

(muffled talking)

Now you got him from behind.

Get him by the neck and toes.

He's gonna tap any day now.

Any day now.

You gonna tap any day now, or I'm gonna keep on chokin'.

Okay, good, here we go.

That's it, he did good, now give him a round of applause.

Hop on up here, soldier.

He did good. (clapping)

Good job, have a seat, son.

He did right, he did right.

(clapping)

All right, now were gonna get into OC spray,

how to properly use that on individuals

giving y'all trouble.

Subject matter expert, Officer Bishop's gonna take it.

Officer Bishop, please.

Thank you, ma'am.

Gentlemen.

Ma'am.

This is pepper spray.

Now, don't be fooled, this is extremely dangerous.

You know, you have sexually assaulted my soldiers,

you're coming in here spewing some false facts.

Listen up, privates.

It's not that bad.

This whole class has been beating up everybody.

It's not scary. - It's extremely dangerous.

It can burn your retina.

You're gonna heal afterwards.

It's not gonna be any permanent dam--

(spraying) (screaming)

Everybody, I would like to thank

(coughing)

the Police Department (coughing)

for coming in today. (clapping)

(coughing)

Thank you.

Thank y'all for havin' us, it's been a pleasure.

(coughing)

Ma'am.

(door opens) - Oh, thank you.

(coughing)

[Dean] Lawrence, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap, soap,

soap, soap, soap!

Oh, yes, Lawrence.

Oh, yes.

(mumbling)

Lawrence, Lawrence, I dropped the soap.

I need you to pick up the soap, Lawrence.

My penis.

My penis!

Lawrence, it's in my foreskin!

It's in my foreskin!

(screaming)

(upbeat music)

White women are the worst, man.

We saw it in the 19th century.

They were bored, sitting at home, their husbands were out

drinking and having a good time, it pissed 'em off.

So what do they do?

They start lobbying, they start nagging.

Next thing you know, prohibition comes around, okay?

With the prohibition, the mafia has created,

now we have organized crime.

White women are responsible for organized crime

in this country.

Listen to this man right now.

Captain conspiracy, you ready for this?

Hold on to your ass.

Nancy Reagan.

Nancy fucking Reagan.

That sweet, petite, little redheaded woman,

but she wasn't so sweet.

She was always up Ronnie's ass,

Ronnie, I need something to do,

Ronnie, I need something to do, and Ronnie was like,

well, Nancy, I'll give you a little project.

How 'bout the war on drugs

The war on drugs, the one he freakin' funded.

That's right, little bit of cocaine and marijuana

coming back up to the States from the CIA.

Just gets the money and give it to the contras.

A vicious cycle.

You know what they ruined most of all?

Michelle Obama.

They ruined our First Lady.

That's right, they got into her head.

They made her think that she had to do something,

so you know what she did?

She destroyed the food pyramid.

Made some stupid plate with weird colored globules of jizz

telling me how much cheese I can eat!

White women are ruining black women!

Let me tell you this right now, and take it from a man

who's been married to two of 'em.

White women are nothing but trouble.

Okay, cool.

I've never been married, look at how happy I am.

You happy?

(upbeat music)

Look alive, Lawrence.

Sergeant Major's here.

Ah, shit!

Is that Heather?

Fuck.

Good afternoon, Sergeant Major.

How you gents doing?

Outstanding, as always.

I'm just here to check on things.

You know my daughter, right?

- Yes, Sergeant Major. - Yes, Sergeant Major.

Watch your door, Sergeant Major, I got you.

That's okay.

(door closes) Come here.

(door closes)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no--

- What? - No you don't.

I just wanna play.

You are not touching him, he is young, he is supple,

he is sweet, he is pink.

I just wanna waterboard him with my pussy

and make him my Guantanamo fucking Bay.

- Block this out. - Come here.

You do know my daughter, right?

We're well aquatinted, Sergeant Major.

Apple of my eye.

She's just sweet as can be, isn't she?

- Yes, Sergeant Major. - Yeah, she is, isn't she?

I'm gonna ride his dick all the way down

to the fiery gates of hell.

Yeah, that's right, because Satan used to be an angel.

He fell, they all fall.

Not this one.

- They fall. - Not this one.

Well, she's gonna be joining pretty soon.

Well, that's outstanding.

Yeah, I'm hoping you can pull some strings.

To get her over here with you.

- At Checkpoint Charlie? - Absolutely.

Limp dick fuck whistle is what you are.

He misses this.

I don't miss shit.

Sergeant Major, her best fit is definitely gonna be here

and not in some sort of headquarters element.

She'll pick up right pretty quick.

Oh, well, I'm not worried about that.

She needs to get her feet dirty down here with you guys.

Oh, I know she'll get dirty with me.

(groaning)

(mumbling)

(gagging)

What are you, no, no, no, ah.

Give me, don't.

I trust you.

You're a good soldier.

I'm up for anything, Sergeant Major.

I'll make sure she's well taken care of here.

Yeah, my little Snow White.

That's your nickname for her?

Absolutely.

Pure as the driven snow.

- Driven, all right. - Yes.

Absolutely, Sergeant Major, driven snow.

Absolutely.

I'm real proud of her.

Do you think that she'll be here when Butts still around?

Now, speaking of Butts,

why don't you get him over here right now.

Roger that, Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Butts!

Yes, Sergeant Major?

Not today, slut.

Aw, did you miss me?

(laughing)

You have no power here.

- Butts. - Yes, Sergeant Major?

About the other day.

- Yes, Sergeant Major. - Major fuck up.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

If I lose stripes because of one of your fuck ups,

I'm gonna come down on your ass.

I understand, Sergeant Major.

At least you had the decency to cover up your tits today.

Didn't stop you from enjoying them once.

Lawrence, take note of her pants.

The demons clawed at them as she made her way out of hell.

So dramatic.

Lawrence, you like musicals,

let me introduce you to Audrey Hepburn,

except a cunt.

No, I'm sure I fuck better.

Now, you got a few months left, right?

Yes, Sergeant Major.

You better be crystal clean.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Or I'll hurt you.

I will hurt you bad.

I understand, Sergeant Major.

I will fuck you in the ass.

- I-- - Do you understand?

Do not want that, Sergeant Major.

Oh, all black.

She loves colors that match her soul.

So harsh.

So angry.

So emotional.

I have nothing left to lose, bitch.

You don't, really?

What about your children?

You have rights?

What about your custody?

You monster!

(laughing)

My daughter, she's gonna be joining.

My little Snow White.

Hi, honey.

Pure as the driven snow, that one.

I don't want her around the likes of you.

I'm okay with that Sergeant--

You stay clear of her, you hear me?

- Absolutely, Sergeant Major-- - Do you understand me?

Yes, Sergeant Major, that will not be a problem at all.

Do I make myself clear with all this?

Perfectly clear, Sergeant Major.

Pitch perfect.

Then get the fuck outta here.

Yes, Sergeant Major.

Honey, you ready?

They burn, Dean.

They all burn.

I'll see you later, fresh pink meat.

Not today she-bitch.

One down.

You're fuckin' next.

All gave some.

Some gave all, Lawrence.

That could've been me.

Could've been me.

Now, Butts.

I just wanna let you know that

it's not your fault.

Yeah, I know, Dean.

No, I wanna let you know that it's not your fault.

I got it.

Look at me, Butts.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, Dean, I got it.

It's not your fault.

Don't do this to me, Dean.

Not you.

Get the fuck off me.

It's not your fault.

(sobbing)

Fuckin' white women.

(upbeat music)

Life becomes much easier when you learn

how to push through things.

You use moments like that in the gym

where you're wanting to quit but you find a way

to push through or you find a way to go harder.

And it's definitely implacable to everyday life,

whether it be school, or family issues, and daily chores,

and errands, and bills, and stuff you have to take care of,

you just don't slack and you don't half-ass it.

You take care of it, you take care of business

and what needs to be done and you don't make excuses.